Quietly Lost (Krisaga's journal)

[Krisaga]

((OOC: Since all the cool kids are doing it, I figure a place to let the girl rant and rave would be nice. Let me know if I confuse something with the setting.))

I was going to put the date here when I realized I don't even know what it is. Is it even the same year as when I was in Neverwinter? I tell folks I'm only 25, but I could be in my thirties for all I know. (Even though I doubt it.)

Someone said keeping journals like this help with stress relief, and I suppose I could use it. The drinks only do so much when you're alone. I'll probably look back and laugh at myself; something I've been doing an awful lot of lately... And it's probably better that I rant at the paper instead of at whatever poor soul is sitting around the campfires.

I really wish I could've come to Baldur's Gate under different circumstances. Like, maybe Eshkrigal would take me here on business and let me see the sights in the meantime. (Also unlikely, he'd just make me identify more enchantments since merchants apparently think they can sell enchanted items without actually knowing what the hells they are.) To be fair, the city is beautiful. I've only been in Neverwinter's walls twice and this place makes it look quaint. The local guards aren't the friendliest bunch, but at least they aren't ordering me to remove my hat or making other strange demands.

As it stands though, I just need to be thankful the Elf Song Inn lady is a nurturing sort. I don't remember any of it, but she tells me I just walked in the door, leaving a bloody trail behind me as I dragged myself over to a table and bled on it until she took me to a room and saw to my wounds. (She claims a paladin helped heal me but I sort of doubt it. Maybe she just doesn't want me to know what she tried to do to 'help' while I was out.) I don't recall traveling anywhere nor getting into a situation that would give me such injuries, although from what I see of the monsters out by the tradeway, there's pretty much endless possibilities. It's... troubling to say the least. I don't know the way back home and even if I did, the chances of me making it there alive are slim to none. (No one is going to escort me there out of charity. And I'm also broke, I mention that?)

So what to do in the meantime? Keep practicing my magics, hopefully enough to where I can defend myself against whatever did this to me in the first place... I hope. I don't really know, but it's better than sitting here in my room and doing nothing. (Which I'm grateful for the generosity of the Inn's owner. A couple free nights till I could pay her back and keep paying for the room now that I can go out and make money at least.) I'm not sure what else to do though... I can sit and talk to people but they terrify me at best. Is it just this area or does adventuring naturally breed psychos? I've yet to meet an 'adventurer' that I can call completely sane and well adjusted. (Then again, I suppose I'm not any different at this point.)

Drinks are running out, guess it's a good place to pause as any, if only long enough for me to go buy more. (I could keep this place in business on my own, I swear.)

[Krisaga]

I'll be amazed if this ends up legible... I guess I can put off the next bottle until I'm done with this... Shacked up in Candlekeep tonight, doing the usual. Enough mead to drown a dwarf and my cat to keep me company. I'm not going to cry much if I forget today.

I suppose I ought to start with the high notes. Saw Jake today, (Hiding that handsome form of his in armor as usual, silly man.) He was nice enough to stop and talk... Was going to go actually pay some merchant to identify enchantments when they probably just make it up anyway. I told him about my old job and offered to do it for free. (Since we're friends and all that.) Had some stuff that'd fetch a fair price if the merchant isn't a complete wretch. He came back later and talked a bit more until my sister showed up!

Mia... oh how you confuse me. I have yet to meet someone who sends as many mixed signals as you do. My expectations have to be shot down every time (Or drowned in this case) or else I face disappointment. Then again, the hells do I know about 'signals'? My relationships of all kinds have all been hilarious trainwrecks, current ones notwithstanding. Bah. I suppose my hopes need to go first before I even say 'hello'.

It wasn't all bad though, we went and fought in the central cloakwood... that was a real challenge! I'm sure others can breeze through it, but it took some coordination between us to take them all down. I learned enough to get a couple new spells, so I suppose today wasn't a total waste...

But as soon as I confirm my knowledge of these new ones, who shows up? Thrice-damned Zix! That creepy stalker of a tiefling just can't leave me alone! Hell, he could be watching me right now while invisible for all I know! (And if you are reading this, go get your spine ripped out in the blood war, you wretch.) I hate him.... but I can't do anything about it. His power is so many times more than mine.... Gah, just thinking about it...

Mia pretends to understand why I'm scared, but I can tell she doesn't. Her forced attempts to act 'caring' are laughable at best... My expectations, again, are too high for those around me...

I don't want to think anymore about this, the bottle calls and I am not resisting tonight.

[Krisaga]

((The entry is over a year later, the writing much more crisp and legible))

You told me that the first concern of any mortal is survival.

You also told me that I am here to ensure your survival.

I will end you, Eshkrigal. You, Malar, and the mistake given life by you two.

The abomination's wrath is nothing compared to what comes your way.

[Krisaga]

((DISCLAIMER: I might get a bit graphic with certain violent depictions. Don't say I didn't warn you.))

Anywhere else it'd be a corpse. Anywhere else it'd be a nameless dead who would likely fade into Myrkul's wall.

But here, it was a tale. Eyes to the elven man's soul. To his memories. Memories now shared with me as I bite into this 'window.'

"It's probably just another lost traveler. Maybe you ought to just let the woods deal with them for once. Let the hunters hunt, maybe?"

The elven woman frowned at her husband, the golden blonde brow furrowing as if determining if he was serious or not. The smile in return came easy, there was no deterring her from doing what she felt was right. It was a sight he'd seen quite often these days, her straight blonde hair flowing as she spun on her heel, going out to guide whatever clueless local out of their little section of the woods safely. Today he felt like doing something different, though. Each time was a patient if slightly worrisome wait. She had a knack for getting sidetracked and even though he was supposed to be 'patient' he couldn't help but feel anxious each time.

"Alright, alright. Let me come with you then." She stopped in her tracks and gave him an incredulous look. He put one hand up defensively "Hey, couples should do things together, right? Let me help." She sighed a little, but couldn't argue. There wasn't much to 'help' but she knew that this way she wouldn't have to answer his questions about why it took so long for her to return. "You're the tracker, ladies first."

The orb pops between my teeth, the insides spilling out messily, the stringy nerves and blood vessels catching on the hooks of my teeth.

You're looking at me, you know my name? What god knows your name?

"Hey, calm down, we just want to make sure you're alright."

The man had no idea why he was telling the traveler to calm down, the human who stood straight and had a cold stare at him and his wife, a (live) body slung over his shoulder. Perhaps it was directed at himself instead. Either way, his wife had her bow out. It was normally used for hunting but she's used it twice in self defense. Though she had never shot first.

"I know where I'm going." The human replied evenly. "I don't need directions." The elf's wife didn't seem happy with that. This was their property after all and if nothing else, they didn't appreciate humans and the like trampling all over it. To be carrying unconscious women through it didn't make it any better. "Alright, alright. That's fine. But perhaps you'd like to explain what you're doing here then?"

"No" Was the short reply. He was no mage, but the elf could feel magic radiate from this man, and it was growing. Before he could say anything, his wife notched an arrow. The magic surged as she drew it back, coming to blows before he could even tell what was happening. As he did, he noticed the girl on his back. Yellow markings, red hair, horns...

The now eyeless corpse bore many wounds, both old and new. The old included missing digits, the other eye, and several scar tissues from old cuts. New were the burns and bruises, and the blood leaking from his ears. A combination of force, flame, and sound had been overwhelming for him. The melted flesh still smoldered.

Another chomp and the morsel was slowly disappearing, piece by piece. All that remained was a bit of the outer film and a piece of nerve.

Your eyes LIE to me. You lie to my name and watch me.

The man slowly stirred awake, being brought to awareness by the melted hole where his right eye used to be. The pain was dull by now, the actual damage having already been done. As he rolled over, his remaining eye was greeted by the sight of the half disintegrated remains of his once beautiful wife, now a charred carrion that even nature rejected. The image of the human and his charge burned into his mind. Through all the rage and grief that he felt, this would be what he remembered-

A final bite and the vision stopped. The man's soul, if it were still whole, was now drifting along the city of judgement. No longer would his memory remain.

I have many eyes and they all watch me, they are made of lies, and I will consume them till they watch no more.

[Krisaga]

Still more changes. I thought once my tail grew that'd be it, but apparently even approaching my thirties brings surprises... My voice changed again. The fiendish tone is more noticeable now, a couple people already making wild accusations that I'm possessed thanks to the rumbling echo that quietly follows my words.

My vision has been getting all kinds of blurry, and I thought for a second that the new wine I was drinking was causing it... but looking in my room's mirror shows otherwise. Now my vision actually makes enough sense for me to stop stumbling around, but to others it surely looks strange... I somehow have a second pupil in both of my eyes, inside the first and glows lightly. It feels like I'm not even controlling it half the time... I can look at someone and the vision from it constantly shifts to every detail possible of what I'm looking at... Very disorienting... Though I've been noticing some peculiar things from what it tends to focus on, so perhaps it has it's uses.

I actually found a gray hair... Yeah I'm not even thirty yet and I'm getting gray hairs. It's all this stress from taking care of Tamina, I'm sure. I wouldn't have imagined I'd fall in love so quickly upon my return, but I've seen stranger things in my life... I hate feeling so powerless to help though... even embarrassed myself in front of everyone at the campfire by breaking down and crying... Probably shouldn't have talked to Julindra as much as I did (She probably went and blabbed everything the second I was gone. At least I didn't mention anything important or incriminating) but I suppose it felt rather good just to get it all out of my system. Even with people fighting and generally being idiots to each other, it's still a calmer and better life than what I was forcing myself into.

The new wine is helping me sleep at least... need all the rest I can get for this, no doubt. The ritual is coming, after all.

[Krisaga]

A promise, a coin, and a purpose.

These are the keys to my chains, and I have them all.

[Krisaga]

"What do you give?"

Said by anyone else, I'd assume they were a paladin about to launch into a sermon. But Said by my master? ((I try not to use that word, but he literally has my leash in his hand... Best not delude myself)) I had to wonder.

When I first came to the gate, I gave my innocence. I was a terrified little girl of all the broken psychotic people that fancied themselves adventurers. Hiding in my books and drinks as if they were somehow a shield from their insanity. But I was trusting. Unless someone had done something specifically to lose my trust, I gave them the benefit of the doubt. How easily I could have been manipulated then? Perhaps I was and don't know it yet... but I was certainly impressionable.

Before I left... I gave my body. I make no illusions of my own promiscuity... My legs rarely stayed closed at that point which is how I ended up with my twins. Yet that's how I came upon my first marriage... or what would have been, had I stayed. Upon return, only to find it had all fallen apart and one had died out of despair.

While in the hells... I gave my grief. My injury. My fury. Manipulated into a binding ritual that won't let me be at peace, I struck out in a rage... waging a battle that lasted for several months before I was struck down by bateezu claws... and a pact made.

When I returned... I gave my heart. I became aware of my own feelings for others... the desire to help any way I possibly could. Yet the game I played beforehand returned to me, and I foolishly didn't turn away. Every time I try to help, I cause more pain for myself and others at times. It all spirals downward as my 'friends' wear paper smiles and laugh as I break down, my bleeding heart unable to take on the stress of being a confidant.

Now... he asks, what do I give? I give not one thing. I give love to the only person who deserves it. I give my grief only to my god. I give my body to my whims, and nothing more.

And I give remembrance to my innocence, wistful of such a simple time.