Never Again Forget - Saint Merielle Silene

[LeslieMS]

[THIRTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

Well the more immediate threats seemed to calm for the moment, likely the calm before a storm but calm none the less. I took advantage of it trying to catch up on that which has fallen by the wayside. I visited the docks handing out food to the children there. I also gave away many blankets. By Mercy… if I had enough beds… I would have taken every one of them back to the temple. Still, while they accepted the food and blankets, many of them are too proud, or too untrusting to accept my invitation to the warmth of the temple. It comes as little surprise that I am a few coins shorter now than I was before I set off to the docks… but no matter, I have little want for coins, save the cost of bandages… 1200 coins give or take on a normal tenday. I have never wanted much more than a place where I can see the sunlight and starlight, if these coins lost ease someone’s discomfort, then let them go…

Upon returning to the temple, I found that the young Elven girl, Miss Arnest, had recovered enough to get out of bed. She wished to walk around the city a bit, and I asked her to return later. Now if only I could find the Hin woman. No doubt I have better luck waiting for her to find me. Sometimes the right thing to do is not the ‘right’ thing to do. While I am sure somewhere some one could fault my actions in this matter, I care not. I have served mercy in this, and acted in such a way that with hope will ensure the girl’s wellbeing. I wish though I could say that the girl could be turned from her nimble fingered ways, but sometimes one can do no more than show the way.

As I said to Thresuin today:

I can show you the path, guide you in the right direction… I can not however, walk it for you, nor tell you which steps to choose.

Thresuin… Long have I thought he a man of troubled thoughts, perhaps even a bit strange, but our conversation today leaves me wondering if that man is whole of mind. It is clearly evident that his soul is fractured. I pray that his being may be made complete in one way or another. His thoughts seem to be rather contradictory, and the whole confusing conversation left me wondering just what exactly transpired. Still I feel that I spoke as truly and rightly as I could. He said my words were enough to help clarify things for him, in that I am content. I pray mercy finds him though I worry now for him in his duties as a member of the Fist…

Not long after he left Miss Arnest returned, and I left her in the company of the Halfling woman. I headed out to tend to some other things. I promised Sister Addy that I would take those supplies to Candlekeep as soon as I had an able bodied escort. I made my way out to purchase some more bandages… I had the suspicion that they may well be needed.

Trying to appear relaxed and unbothered has become difficult. Threats dance through my mind, often the vision of that poor priestess. I make my way to the merchant camp hoping for pleasant conversation, and perhaps to draw a bit, listen to Julie’s songs and stories… but inevitably my eyes drift southward and I cannot help but wonder what trials I have yet to face. My faith is strong and my resolve has yet to fail me fully, still I feel … isolated. I feel guilt asking others to help me travel south. I know what danger the road holds. I wish to protect them, I loathe needing protection. It is my duty to keep others well and safe, and here I am in need of asking the same thing. And ask I shall, because the voice of Ilmater bids me not fail. I pray mercy protects those who protect me… For I fear I may not be able to. My prayers are longer these days, but I am grateful to have a God willing to help me bear my burdens. I stand fast with the Hand of Mercy at my back.

I traveled late that night as sleep failed me. When I crossed the bridge I found Julie quite upset rambling about a ghost. I did my best to reassure her that she was safe, even more so once I knew which ghost she spoke of. Ilmater forgive me… so busy I have been that in the last tenday I have not visited the temple of Helm. Still inevitably the spirit passed by, and was willing to grant me an audience. Mercy tempers justice, and in this case Mercy is his justice. He spoke of restless undead… those that I have heard rumor of who are planning to attack the city. It is in fact no rumor, the undead -will- attack and likely soon.

‘Justice is sought, now all there is, is to remain vigilant.’

He wishes to protect the city even in death… I wonder if he will ever allow himself rest? If not rest, allow himself return to the living? Powerful divine magic has been known to restore a willing spirit long after death… No matter what choice the spirit makes, I pray he finds peace. I would say that he will at least find no rest until after the undead threat has passed. He will fight the undead, as will the rest of us. I tried to assuage Julie’s fears in regard to Crownsilver’s ghost, but she remains skeptical as many do… of this benevolent spirit. In time perhaps there will be understanding among all of them.

‘You will be needed child of the Crying God.’

I assured him, that so long as I am able I intend to stand against the undead along side the others. I am no battle priestess. I am no woman of formidable skill, but it is my hope that I can keep the others standing long enough that we may see victory against the undead.

Long after the spirit resumed his wandering vigil and Julie and the others sought rest, I sat staring into the moonlight. Finally I could stay awake no longer and made my way back to the temple to rest. What little sleep I allow myself was peaceful at least.

I say my prayers and fall fast to sleep wondering if I am strong enough to face these looming storms
~~

[LeslieMS]

[THIRTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

It would seem today is a day of quiet conversations, good friends and for the most part, many pleasant happenings. A day in which Mercy prevails and darkness is banished by mere force of will.

I spent much of the day tending the children, and other tasks around the temple. They are like a shaft of sunlight in the darkest depths. Having the two children in the temple, despite whatever unpleasant circumstance brought them to me, has brought me much joy. Their simple smiles, the very innocence and wonderment that they are… Tending their wellbeing has become a task of gladness. It would seem in such dark days where our faith makes us a target of such darkness, I have seen the sisters move with lighter steps, even Brother Marcus is seen with a quiet smile more often than not. In granting mercy to these young ones, we in turn have been granted a mercy of sorts, and I am no fool as to not be thankful with every hug. It leaves me to wonder if someday just being content with a quiet place to call my own. Someday perhaps a family? Perhaps…

When at last I can look out over my day and see brilliant sunshine, and not these looming storms… My heart yearns for this vision that my dreams have granted me with… this calm peace… because somewhere in that field of daisies… there is more than hope. There is love and light and a life full of laughter. Yes someday perhaps I can allow my heart more than a hesitant hope. Perhaps someday my greatest challenge will be to simply allow myself to love, and be loved in turn…

For now it shall remain a luxury I can ill afford. All things in time
~~

I spent much time in pleasant conversation too. There are many new faces come to these lands, many of them kind people. I cannot help but worry for them, but at least I can say that there are enough kind souls that are wise to these lands to keep them mostly safe.

I was looked at strangely many times today on account of the spirit of Sir Crownsilver.

This shade who was hardly what he was in life, most fear him. This benevolent soul who has seen that sometimes the greatest Justice is the Mercy of Forgiveness. Those involved in his death pardoned by the soul of the man they fell. That which once sought vengeance under the guise of justice for his death, is now content in the arms of Mercy. After my extended absence from my duty to this soul. I will admit most undead, restless souls should be destroyed, many are malignant avenues of darkness and hatred to the living. My oath to help this specter find peace may yet be fulfilled. I am saddened how so few understand Duty. I was given the choice to accept this mantle, and took oath to do as I was bidden by Ilmater himself.

Crownsilver, once sought justice in redemption to Helm for whatever failings denied him rest in life… Now Helm had smiled on him and bid him watch, wait, and protect until after the restless undead to the north were no longer a threat. Indeed the one who fell from favor to his God is now smiled upon by his lord. As I pleaded that many stay their efforts to dispel or destroy the ghost, few understood the reasoning behind my words. I was charged to see he find rest, and regardless of what others thought of him in life, or even in death, no matter what he was in life…

None are above redemption, undeserving of the mercy of a Second Chance. A second chance that he was given by Helm himself. Of the few that might have grasped that concept even fewer understood my insistence that he be allowed to work as his god bid him, for mine in turn had tasked me to see such completed. I know from the words of the ghost, to the words of many that he may not have been a great man, but no soul is without failings, I know well that he may have done some terrible things… But mercy can see mercy for what it is, and the last time I saw that man alive, I knew in my core of being that he was worth a second chance. It may have cost me the friendship of those who cannot understand. At the end of this day however, I can say I acted in a way, spoke true from my heart, worked as I should by my faith, and regret nothing.

In truth the spirit was willing to see me protected, and I thanked him, much to the displeasure of others or to the misunderstood confusion. In these darkened times I am no fool to turn away any help in any measure.

The spirit stood this day insisting that he watch, that he protect the city until after the threat of the undead had past, and I did my best to defend duty. I am no great orator, no great battle priestess, and I do not understand how, but others feel my words carry weight and have, begrudgingly or willfully heeded my words.

I watched as the spirit was sundered. All that was darkened in him, all that yearned for blood and revenge stood to face him, and I stood and watched. I could hear the others cautioning me, and asking me to relinquish my spot, but I felt the Hand of He Who Endures at my back, and I stood.

I watched reassuring the others, and lending quiet prayers that Crownsilver’s will could mend that which was shorn.

‘One’s Greatest enemy is often himself…’

As I told the others to stay back, that he must face himself alone and of his own will, I watched the two lock in battle… My heart dropped as the twisted darkness stood over all that was good in the man’s being. I prayed then, that mercy give this man the strength to stand, for indeed his actions had been true and good, he deserved to find peace, he deserved to complete his task bid him by Helm, to rejoin his god and not spend an eternity to suffer apart from him.

I fear not all understand the fullness with which I commit myself to the end of suffering, to mercy, to my task, and of all that it pains me, the fact that Esen cannot understand I do as I must without anger or hatred, indeed I have had to let go of my anger and my hatred that I may work as a faithful of the Crying God. Esen’s words were sharp pointed, deep cutting as I explained I had taken an oath to aid this soul no matter what, to find peace.

‘Then you have become a slave to your god then.’

I pray he did not see me flinch as I spoke in an even whisper:

‘I am a slave to no one, any duty I take on I do so willingly.’

He quickly apologized and walked away without giving me time to tell him that he was already forgiven as he spoke in anger, already the heart seeks to mend, and forgive.

As I looked over this twisted shadow of Crownsilver, still hopeful that mercy would prevail and I would not have to destroy this dark specter something wonderful happened: Mercy prevails…

There stood his benevolence, all that was good of him, and an angel…

The darkness seemed confused, upset revenge was denied his victory, and as the angel bid Crownsilver to destroy the blackness… And he did. He had the will to face himself and stand victorious.

‘A spirit without chaos, come Helm has other duties for you… You shall be rebirthed…’

I watched smiling faintly as the spirit and angel departed. I know not what duty holds for him, but I have seen Justice tempered with Mercy embodied in him, and whatever task is set before him, I feel he has the will to succeed. Others hate him for what he was in life, despise him, and my words will likely fall to deafened ears and closed hearts…

He is no longer what he was in life, in death, he has been given a second chance…

I came back to the temple not long after, I sat a long while in contemplation.

My heart was saddened that anger yet rules so many.

But I could not help but wonder if this turn of events left my oath fulfilled? Truly when he departed, he seemed more at peace than I ever could have hoped for. So much of late I have had to settle with sacrifice and failings, to settle with a less than happy ending… Dare my heart hope that for once in these many years, something ended well? Truly that is mercy… when all that is twisted and dark can be vanished by good will. Mercy is forgiveness… Mercy prevails, and my heart cannot help but be glad. No doubt everything else will fall into place in time.

I finished my work in the temple and now I shall rest. By all that is Merciful, be thankful for even the slightest of blessings, for even the least of these can stand as a candle in the darkness… a glimmer of hope in shifting shadows… Mercy prevails.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[THIRTY-NINETH ENTRY]

Crownsilver is alive. I went today to lay flowers at the temple of Helm this morning to find the coffin nothing but ashes and no body. I left the temple thoughtful contemplating what it meant in light of the previous day’s events. The answer was soon staring at me, face to face, and quite alive. This was no wandering soul.

He insists that he owes me much despite me telling him that I did very little. I did only what I was asked.

‘You owe me nothing’

‘No I owe you everything.’

I would ask nothing, save that perhaps the corruption within the Fist Mercenary group be routed, and I think given the time he may yet do this on his own.

He offers friendship, and in these times where allies are a blessing I can ill afford to be without, I accepted. All are worthy of the mercy of forgiveness, and at least one second chance. True to my teaching, my faith and my nature. I fear though that such things are misunderstood, if even understood at all by others. Still I must act as I have been taught.

Esen passed by then and from the expression, he is upset. I do not understand why it is so hard for others, he among them, that I must do as my faith dictates. I will not force my faith on them, I will not hold knives to their throats and cry for conversion. ‘A gentle hand guiding leads better than an angry fist at the back…’

I lead by example, and I see others bend to mercy when they otherwise would have stood stoic, or broke beneath the weight. In every kindness, every act of mercy, of every selfless work, Ilmater is glorified, and I humbly offer all I do to his strength. Understood or not I continue my work.

Still promises made are kept, and grudgingly or not my work is allowed to continue. Sometimes that is the best one can hope for. Take the blessings for what they are, no matter how small, and gather them to you. In times of darkness count all that are dear to you that your joy might light your way.

I was reminded of many things today. Today was a day of lessons.

Mercy prevails.

Anger breeds Destruction.

A patient heart is blessed twice over.

Only the foolish try to protect the fools from their own mistakes.

Angry words cut the soul as the sharpest blade pierces the skin.

A day of many lessons… Like ‘One woman can only do so much.’ ‘It is unwise to rush in.’ ‘Never go to the den of demons, even as an invited guest.’

I fell today by my own foolishness. Fortunately some one was there to drag me to the temple. Not sure if it’s a good thing or not yet, but that someone was none other than Miss Dredd… The cords of the Multiverse are wound in and around each other until everything that is, is connected. Now I am being asked why I still wear my holy symbol. Bah! I will not hide that which I am. I am not ashamed of my faith, of my God, and I will not hide away. Fear will not rule me, but no longer will my anger. I allowed myself to be provoked by a Bhaal cultist, and it very nearly cost me everything I have worked for. I don’t know why I suddenly thought I could go, march up to the doors of that temple and demand an explanation.

She sat by the campfire and spoke against Ilmater, and my anger and frustration so carefully controlled for so long boiled just beneath the surface was brought to a fever pitch as she killed an Elven man with no more than a word and wave of her hand. I raised the elf, and tended his wounds, but by the time I made sure he was alright she had gone down the road under cloak of darkness and vile magic. My rash actions led to my death, and need of being taken to the temple in Candlekeep. I thanked Dredd, imparted what knowledge I had that may be useful in regard to the Cultists and she left saying something to the effect of ‘try not to let your emotions get you killed, I may not be there next time.’

As infuriating as the words were, they held truth. The Oghman priest did well to assuage my anger and frustration. While his words held much wisdom, and more truth than I am willing to admit to.

‘If your friends were in trouble, wouldn’t you help them?’

‘Yes.’

‘Would you let them stop you?’

‘No.’

Plain and simple, as much as I wish to protect all of them, if they want to help in this, who am I to stop them? But who am I to ask knowing it might kill them? I spent the evening rather upset with myself. Not the way I intended to get to Candlekeep, but since I was there, I stopped and dropped off the supplies for Abby. She is such a dear kind woman. She was paid for her services with a trinket. A ring that grants the wearer the ability to move about without being seen. She had no use for it and gave it to me. I could not help but think that such a thing would be needed no doubt. At least it is a means to travel safely when I must travel alone. I made my way to the inn sketching the face of the cultist that I may not forget her face if we meet again.

It was there that I had a chat with my other shadow… I am getting used to him fading in and out of view and showing up when my troubled thoughts need a countering voice. He puzzles me, talking in circles and keeping himself hidden. I noticed that he hardly whispered this evening… My suspicions confirmed in all but named by the face behind the mask, no worry. My secrets are mine to keep, and I shall leave him with his own.

And another thing… How in the name of all that is merciful are so many drawn to me?

Some say my kind nature, some say my appearance, some blame misguided chivalry, mostly because I cannot turn any away in unkindness… Still… I haven’t time for dotting and fawning. It is dangerous now, and unwise. I must be careful that I do not further encourage so much attention lest it be misunderstood.

‘You do seem to attract a lot of attention…’

‘I have yet to decide if it is a blessing or a curse.’

I have no time or want for luxuries of matters of the heart. Oh of course like most women I hope to someday find love and have a family of my own, but honestly not now. There is far to much work to do, to much risk. The argument went on for a bit, and as I grew tired and ran out of countering reasons, he simply conceded. Grateful for any reprieve whether the argument is won or merely stalemated, I watched him go and get a room.

‘You cannot fear such things forever.’

Is it fear? I could rationalize it in a million ways. Life has proven to me that love is something to invest your soul into only to see it ripped away leaving an open gaping wound that never fully heals. Can a soul bear two such wounds? Can I? No matter what I call it, ‘not wanting to put someone at greater risk,’ ‘not wanting it used as a weapon against me,’ ‘not wanting it to cloud my judgment or my reasoning,’ ‘not wanting it to distract from the tasks at hand,’ it is still nothing more than fear, fear of a pain I cannot say I have the strength to bear twice.

I shall sleep and make my way back to Baldur’s Gate in the morning…

Grant me strength lest I fall, lift me, let me see these things through to the end. All mysteries are solved in time… some just take more than others.

When I return to the city I must find that Elven man and apologize that he was struck down for an argument that should not have been his, that his death seemed nothing more than a means to irritate me. Hopefully he is alright.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTIETH ENTRY]

Love. Not the love of a brother or sister, the care you hold for dearest friends, the kindness you hand out to those in need, the endearment of joy, the wish to see them not come to harm… No

The love of the heart. That choking madness that defeats reason, sound logic, carefully composed thoughts. That double edged blade that both cuts and mends, that cages and frees… beautiful while it is held, twisted and cruel should it leave your grasp. It is a dangerous thing… Gods save me I have seen it kill so many… now I walk between the jagged wall, and a deadly drop, praying my steps fall true.

Events today only prove why I must at all costs avoid such a deadly creature. It is fear, I understand that now… I fear that which is so intense and uncontrolled… that which can topple mountains… Such a power to hold sway over one’s very soul… it is frightening to think that such a power exists… Such a power that could crumble the strongest of resolves. Such a power that can be used to manipulate and destroy… Yes, it can be a wonderful thing, a source of peace, and hope, of the sheerest joy… But it is the unfathomable power of it that I fear.

Once, young and foolish, believing that truest love can exist in the dark depths of our own personal Hells, I let myself love… I tore the pages from this book begging to forget, this gaping wound that may never heal… I will not be so foolish again. If ever I am to allow myself such, it will be in secret, from a safe distance… but not now when there is naught but darkness and shadow. I know this in my own mind and this day only sought to remind me of the why. I must never forget lest I allow such things to destroy me… to destroy another… to destroy us all. A finely crafted blade, as lovely as it is deadly. Yes this is love… and the very thought of it petrifies me. I who have faced such demons as Drider and Drow, such darkness and cruelties, who stood facing down Illithid and nightmares… I who stood despite fear, despite impending defeat, I who stood… I tremble in fear and pray that I have the strength to stand when every fiber of my being bids me run.

The day started out pleasant enough. Jensen invited me to share a meal and conversation. Seeing no harm in it we ate and conversed. He seems to think that this business with the Bhaal cultists is not so bad… That they are not so strong as they claim, and that is why they hide behind darkness and threats. I cannot help but hope he might be right, though I suspect these games are all just a means of drawing out fear and suffering. To turn the people against the Church and leave us isolated, if we can be more isolated. I think there is something at work here that we are not fully aware of its scope… That we have yet to measure the size of the beast in its entirety. Still it is a pleasant hope that things are not so bad as they might be, or appear to be.

It was not all unpleasant conversation, in fact it was rather nice to simply enjoy the company of a friend for the sake of doing so. The food was grand, and the Innkeeper even treated us to a signature drink of his. It was most pleasant, sweet like a honeyed cherry pie, and not so strong as to leave one incapacitated by the alcohol. We talked a good long while, slowly working our way through the food and tea and drink. Inevitably as conversations have gone as of late, I was the subject of flattery and compliment. I am worried to be held in such high regard by so many. Their faith in me is troubling, as is their admiration to a point. I am merely a soul working to do the best I can, and hardly feel I am doing nearly enough. I am no woman of greatness, no grand Lady, and yet I have been treated as such. So much fawning attention and blind faith… I pray that whatever they are building me up to, that I do not disappoint them overmuch.

As we left the Inn and made our way out to the camp he spoke of doing as we did again…

‘Perhaps.’

‘Perhaps?’

‘Yes, time and duty permitting…’

I dared not tell him that I feared it growing into something more than two friends sharing a meal. So often it is hard to tell if it is simply a man saying something nice, or a man being polite versus a man hoping for more than friendship, so to be safe I assume it is always a dangerous few steps away from such deep kindled affection. It is safer that way, even if they may not understand, may get frustrated or even mildly hurt by such assumptions… It is far safer than allowing it to become a dangerous, living, breathing entity.

We made our way to the merchant camp shortly thereafter. He content with my answer, and I content that for now things were safe. There were others there, friendly faces. Sir Goodwin, Lady Elrith and a few faces I did not recognize, but all seemed friendly. I looked forward to a peaceful evening by the fire passing time with pleasant conversation and perhaps working on that drawing that I have yet to finish. Once again the conversation served to prove that the faith others have in me is mind-boggling. Let not the whole of their hopes lay in me, dear mercy, let me not be as a fragile flame atop a candle in the drafty dark… I fear I haven’t the means to live up to the hopes and expectations of these dear friends.

I started to draw beneath the moonlight, with the firelight dancing across the parchment in a rather soothing pattern. I was content to let the worries of the last several days pass quietly, and enjoy the peace of the night. As luck would have it of late, peace is not yet mine to hold. A terrible agonizing cry rang through the night. As we looked about and saw nothing out of the ordinary we made our way back to camp. As we sat, another cry of sheer pain ran through the night. I felt the hairs on my neck stand on edge, my blood ran cold and immediately I heard prayers run through me, as if my heart knew something ill was afoot before my mind had time to grasp it.

We got up from our places and searched for the source of the pain. As the others looked among themselves and we all worried for our sanity I stood, somehow knowing something was wrong, but not understanding what. Strangely the guards never moved from their posts, and indeed others seemed content to carry on conversations, A guardsman chatted with passersby, travelers greeted one another, and while the few who heard the cries remained watchful and on edge, we saw nothing amiss. I stood there searching for the source of that uneasiness that held my heart still and stole breath mid-stride. I heard a whisper though I saw no one:

‘You and Your order will bring death to everyone.’

I turned the direction of the voice and saw no one. Angered I screamed to the unseen whisperer much to the confusion of those present.

‘Cowards! Hide behind your foul magic and threats!’

Angrily I strode to the camp and sat, watching and hoping that this was the extent of the trouble. I had barely gotten comfortable in my seat, and was watching worriedly when a woman emerged, blade in hand behind a man. There was no time to act to stop what was to come. I opened my mouth to scream as she spoke, my anger and frustration coming to a point.

‘This death is on you Ilmatari!’ and the blade found its mark, the man fell and she ran. Jensen and Tiberius ran after her as she fled to the south. I rushed to undo the work of her blade yelling caution to Lady Elrith:

‘Be careful, last night it was a trap! Go help them!’ She nodded and bid her companion to keep me safe. Indeed it seems of late my life is the only one they do not openly target… I got the fallen man back on his feet and mended his wounds. Rightly so he was confused and upset. I offered my apologies feeling that my presence was at fault for his death. Angrily I glared southward. The others were worried about me… I snapped at Jensen when he asked if I was alright. Of course I was alright… I could not be so troubled by them if I was not in one piece! I apologized almost as quickly as my angry words left me. It was not these dear friends who were to blame. I was frustrated and angry. Blast them! Blast it all! The others tried to calm me, but were unable to quench that which boils my blood. Rather than remain and endanger them further, by means of another attack or my own temper, I made my apologies and headed to the solace of the temple.

I walked quietly mulling my thoughts. My anger rose as I saw yet another note on the temple door. Perhaps I was too upset, or perhaps the handwriting was that bad. I could not read the blood-stained note, not that reading it would have made me feel any better. Angrily I took the now crumpled note and strode into the temple… I spoke to no one, avoided the children and kept the note hidden, placing it with the other and made my way to the back of the temple. To the room by the window where I often do my morning writing. I glared out the window, not sure what to do or think. I was barely aware of Sir Goodwin as he came in.

His words were quiet and reassuring.

‘You know given the circumstances, we all think you are handling remarkably well.’

Not well enough… came the thought as I smiled as nicely as I could.

We talked a bit, my mind seeking to rationalize the actions of the Cultists, my heart yearning for some sort of peace. The words of so many kind and well meaning, I think were perhaps as helpful in keeping me upright as the Hand of Mercy at my back.

‘When I first came here I thought it ugly without marble and grand halls. But now after seeing the work you people do here. There is no more beautiful place in all the city.’

‘Marble walls and gilded doors do little to heal the soul and mend the wounded. Our faith is carried within us. Everything we do, every action every word reflects our faith…’

A bit of quiet conversation before Taki came looking for Tiberius. I welcomed them to stay as long as they needed and speak as they saw fit. I turned, spirits lightly lifted, and went out to get some bandages. I walked a bit before turning to head back to the temple.

I met up with Esen on the way. He looked rather upset. I asked if he wished to speak, he did but not out in the open. I told him I was already on my way back to the temple and he followed slightly. The sun was setting as we made our way past the city gates and turned to the temple. He was troubled, perhaps even angry with me, though I didn’t understand why, I suspected I would.

I remembered the note stuck to the temple door and made my way ahead, hoping to hide from his troubled mind, my own troubles. Fortunately there was no bloodied note filled with threats and cruel promises. The children were finishing their chores and did not notice us. Cloud ran off to play with Tabbi, the children’s cat. She and Cloud often kept each other amused as I worked in the evenings.

We made our way back and I stood by the window, waiting for him to speak. When he did it was a torrent of angry, hurt words. He cared for me more than he should have. Felt shunned by my actions. Spoke of trying to change, to let Mercy guide him. Told me he hadn’t my strength. He was still deathly angry over my time spent in the Fist jail. He was so consumed by his anger he said he wanted to kill them all… any who ever slighted him or I… His anger a dangerous beast left unchecked. I countered his every argument. Never have I acted with the intent of causing harm… never will I. The exchange was emotional. He does know me better than most… I fear I was not watchful. Did not halt what I should have, did not see what was becoming of him… Love? Twisted tormentor, coupled with his anger had become a beast…

He placed in my hand a dagger, bid me end him. Gods what did he suffer that he felt death by my hand was a kinder fate? What part did I play?

I refused to believe that there was no way to mend this without bloodshed. I prayed. Willed away whatever darkness consumed him, and when it seemed there was naught but hopeless darkness, and all my strength was not enough… Mercy prevailed…

As I slumped exhausted to the floor I watched something in him change. As if the burden that weighted him were lifted. I watched him a long moment fearing he would try to take his own life… A soul so willing to embrace death cannot be returned if it does not wish it…

After a painfully long moment he spoke.

‘I don’t know what you did or how, but I feel changed.’

‘That… Was mercy… in its truest form… Dearest sweetest mercies… never ask of me that again…’

The sheer effort of my soul to mend his left me weak, and words came uneasy. He smiled, and it was then that I knew, he too had gained a second chance at my request. He indeed seemed no longer consumed by anger and hatred… as if it had fled him completely. He said little else that I understood before he made his way to the inn to rest.

‘Your faith is… titanic… I am sorry for what I put you through tonight…’

I nodded slowly, wondering if indeed it was ever enough and assured him that he was forgiven almost before he acted. He respects my wish to keep my heart unattached. I watched as he faded into his magic and made his way out. I slumped exhausted into a chair and for a long moment I did not move, I could not think. Finally as thoughts fell through my mind of every dear friend I saw slip away, every love lost… every hope that came within a breath of shatter, the stress of so many things in my life, all the darkness that threatened to crush me with its weight, I prayed…

‘Dear lord, you endure… help me… I fear I cannot… grant me your strength… I fear…’

Without finishing the prayer that took form in my mind I felt Mercy enfold me in its comforting embrace, and there for so long I sat, and each tear never shed fell from me then. I knew that someday there would be peace… I would not be plagued by a torturous past, by fear of my own heart, by the burdens I bear… some day I would be free to not be so guarded… but for now I had to find strength.

When finally I was no longer laden with tears or anger, utterly spent I felt my self lifted by the hand of the Crying God, who had cried with me then, and I found myself in bed and sleeping long before I realized dreams had overtaken me. I found that peaceful dream, the field of daisies in the morning sun, gentle warm breezes… and clung to that dream as if it were my very soul.

When I awoke… I felt as though I were walking through a fog. I ate and tended my morning chores and prayers before setting quill to parchment… and now here sits these words. This entire book a testament to a life I choose to not forget. For every shadow makes the light that much more precious…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-FIRST ENTRY]

Aleil insisted today that I have a relaxing day. I of course was in a rather foul mood, and he undeservingly became a momentary focus for my aggravation. Even my sharp unkindness was forgiven, bless him, he took it all in stride. Still I feel bad that my temper was loosed on a friend only seeking to help in some small way. I must endeavor to be more careful with my words and actions. Still, once my mood improved we spent much of the day in conversation. We discussed much, but perhaps the most interesting topic was the one on the differences on his culture and much of human culture. Even such small blessings mean a great deal to me.

I returned to the temple and got the children to bed. How precious they are! A true joy and light, a handful perhaps, but a sheer wonder. I find they such busy bodies in want of pleasing myself and the Sisters and Brother Marcus, that my more mundane chores are completed before supper. Which has left me time to worry on more serious matters, but this evening I found little to worry for and sat in the dinning area painting. If the Bhaalists are seeking to drive me away, they are most assuredly failing. All they have succeeded in doing of late is strengthen my resolve. My determination outmatched only by my faith. I have twisted my anger into a weapon, focusing it on these murderous hands of darkness. I will get to the bottom of this, I will stop them.

As we sat in the quiet of the night, the sisters chatting idly, and I in my drawing, I heard a whisper in my ear.

‘How many more must die before you leave?’

Confused by what I heard I looked around into nothingness, the sisters carrying on happily. I laid down my paintbrush and stood, then the whisper spoke again.

‘The sisters? The children? The longer you stay the more those you care about will suffer’

I scarce heard much more as my temper flared a prayer left my lips almost before I knew what I spoke.

‘Ilmater grant that I may see this -Demon- in your house! Grant me strength…’

The cultist that spoke cursed and made her way to the door. I blocked the door my anger threatening to boil over. She turned her cold gaze on Sister Addy and I nearly struck her down then… I should have. I followed the path she took with her eyes and grew tense and defensive.

‘If you do so help me I will -end- you.’

But she did not move to attack. She spoke telling dear Addy to talk some sense into me, as I continued to refuse to back down. Poor Addy stood still as night and scared out of her mind and my fists clenched ready to strike. How dare this harlot of Murder come unbidden into my house and threaten these who are so dear to me! So help me, I will not hesitate when next I have an opportunity to strike at them. I will not show mercy to such as these, Ilmater forgive me. The woman chose not to fight and instead disappeared in a cloud of dark magic as they are so fond of. I quickly made my way through the temple, the children were sleeping peacefully, oblivious to the goings on. The Sisters and Brother Marcus were safe, though poor dear Addy was in tears. I did my best to console her. Lending the sisters strength and reassuring them that our faith was stronger than those we face…

Unsure what else to do I told them to barricade the door as I left, seeking aid from anywhere…

Addy’s words echoed through my mind:

‘Are we not safe in our own temple?’

‘I will make it safe.’

I sought out a member of the Fist, hoping to find Crownsilver. The man I did find offered up much information, and now I at least have a bit of direction.

I made my way back to the temple going through my mind what needs to be done. When I arrived at the temple I kept vigil over the door as the sisters rested. I shall seek help from the Tormites and the Tyrrans, any of the churches willing to help, aid from the Fist perhaps, and I shall write a letter to the duke himself if need be. I will keep this temple safe. I will not waver.

‘Why should we leave?’ I had demanded of the Bhaalist…

‘Hope is an emotion we do not want among the populace…’

I will see hope thrive, I will see this through. This church of simple healers, and good will shall not fall. We shall endure, such is our nature. For now I must rest, I have letters to write and much to do come morning.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-SECOND ENTRY]

I sat the morning at the merchant camp, chores done until evening, and hoping for a peaceful day. The friendly faces were many, the conversation light, and I found solace in it. As unable as I am to sit idle for fear of my own wandering thoughts, I drew. There was a man there in hooded robes of earthen colors. A traveler as is so often found along the Tradeway and a seemingly pleasant sort. However as I listened to the conversation, that feeling, now all to familiar, that I stood facing something cold and hateful prodded my senses. His words were not threatening, in fact there was nothing threatening about him, his words, his demeanor, but it was there… Hidden behind carefully chosen words, the malice was evident. I had my suspicions but could not speak them.

‘The roads to the South have been rather dangerous of late…’ Yet he stood unharmed and was rather proud that he was able to walk untouched, from his tone I would not say from skill, or careful planning. “He who is of darkness may walk through it unblended”

‘The temple of Ilmater holds my interest of late…’ His words struck my ear as pointed daggers. Cold and full of a foreboding I could not readily explain. From any other I might have been overjoyed to welcome someone new into the arms of Mercy itself, to Ilmater’s fold… but not this one.

‘I just returned from leaving a donation…’ I scarce heard more save his cold chuckle. I quickly made my excuses to depart. It was all I could do to not take off in a panicked run. Each carefully placed step was painful as I crossed the bridge. Praying it was just a donation, that perhaps the stress of the days passed had worn on my nerves… My heart wrenched as I walked remembering every threat the Cultists had made… making my way across the bridge I could no longer keep my steps slow and measured. I ran through the gates, made my way to the temple only to stop short.

There on the door was a blood soaked note… barely readable, and most disturbing of all the most blood-soaked bits of parchment had not dried completely. I took it down quickly rushing into the temple fearing worse yet to come. However nothing was out of place or out of order I left almost as quickly arrived. It was my hope that the strange man remained at the merchant camp… I was wholly shocked to see him walking into the city. My anger was more obvious as I would have liked it as the strange man stood mocking me. The guardsman bid me leave it lay as I had no proof other than ill words and coincidental happenstance. He laughed as he walked away.

In my anger perhaps I was caught unaware by an assassin now in wait as I approached the temple again. I know not what she struck with, but I was surprised at how quickly I felt drained… I had little time to contemplate how severe my own wounds were because the fiend disappeared under a cloak of dark magic. Seems the Bhaal cultists are none to fond of shadows that fight back. I tended the worst of my bleeding wounds. I entered to the crying of the children and the sisters, Brother Marcus held up by the Hand of Mercy alone, weak and near death. Poor Billy, that darling little boy had been witness to the attack, said she came from the shadows and struck, leaving before Brother Marcus even tumbled to the floor. I tended his wounds, and got him back to rest peacefully. I then saw to calming the children and getting them to bed. It was evident they were very shaken. Poor dears, to see such first hand. With Brother Marcus and the children resting quietly, I cleaned the blood from behind the pulpit.

I was angry… but the anger was less at the cultists and more at myself for not being near the temple. I helped the sisters complete their work, and saw to it that they found rest also. The calming and comforting words of the many friends who heard of trouble and came to offer aid reached my ears, even my heart, but could do little to calm this storm of emotions in me.

Soon after the man from the camp and the gate who I strongly suspected was tied to the cultists came to the temple. I was terribly angry at this mockery. He bore a gift of gold…

‘Might help them relocate.’

My fury boiled… I worked to remember my oath. Unless in self-defense it is sacrilege to strike anyone while in the temple. As much as I wanted to I could not, would not fall from favor by striking him. Instead my anger was focused into my words… I bid him leave, take his coins and go. He handed them to Aleil, and finally left after more pointed sarcasm. Aleil later tried to hand me the coins… I told him to take them out of the temple… We had no need for tainted gifts in our church. I threw the coins and they scattered across the floor, revealing from among them a symbol of Bhaal. I was so angry at the sight of the trinket that I could barely see. He -was- one of the cultists and every word was a mockery, a veiled threat for our benefit, the offering an insult. I slammed open the temple door throwing the accursed symbol out. For a long while I paced and could not make peace with my anger. Finally I sought to pick up the coins promising to use them for good just to spite the ill intent behind them.

I sought work… anything to distract me from my own thoughts… Emrys and Elrith came in then.

‘We seek your wisdom Merielle…’

My wisdom? I pray that the faith of those dear to me is not misplaced…

They recounted events that led up to where they are now. Emrys is a soul plagued by misfortune, forced to suffer for the actions of others… taking a mantle meant for his sister… And now his soul is fused with that of a demon. They sought my help and my skill. To separate the two, the demon and the soul, without destroying Emrys. I know very little of such things, save that it is dangerous for an inexperienced hand to undertake the task. Mercy be granted him… somehow. If I can find the means to help him I will. By Mercy he should not be made to suffer for the actions of his parents, especially not when he undertook such a thing to save his sister from it. There is no greater mercy than that which is suffered in place of another. I assured him I would help if I could, and he too sought rest. Elrith remarked that she feared it unsafe for him to stay here, lest he endanger us… I laughed stating very plainly that I worried more for the safety of those within these walls than I did the dangers they themselves held…

I started some food, sending the exhausted sisters to rest. The temple oddly quiet without the laughter and chatter of the children, or Rachel’s quiet footsteps, Addy and Juna’s soft voices as they discussed recipes and cleaning methods, even Brother Marcus’ muttered prayers and soft reverent humming… I could not bring myself to make light conversation, and every sound from outside the entrance stilled my heart and stole my breath. I saw to it that Elrith and Jensen were sat to eat… I had barely taken my seat to enjoy a bit of warm food myself when I heard a loud banging on the door.

I jumped uttering a prayer for strong and steady hands as I peered out the door of the temple. The night clung to every crevice and shadow thickly… I saw… people… injured?

I stepped out warily into the night only to be greeted by a dozen mutilated corpses of peasants.

My heart wept, anger boiled in me and I tried desperately to will these poor innocents back from death, through faith and prayer, through force of will… it failed. Bhaal’s symbol carved into the forehead of each. The strength of body granted me by Ilmater allowed me to lift half of them, and Elrith took up the other half. Wordlessly and with a heavy heart, I carried them in… I lay them out in the sanctuary. I cleansed them, the taint of the Lord of Murder heavy on them, herbs and anointed oils prayers and blessings to allow the bodies rest. The sadness weighted me down so much I could not breathe… my movements felt sluggish and painful, my soul wept as I knew the Lord of Murder held these in his grasp. I would have to find a way to release them in all of this. ‘Forgive me…’ I begged of each as I wrapped them in white muslin.

Cleansed and assured that they would rest peacefully should they find a proper burial, I collected them up easily as the strength of Ilmater was upon me. I sought the undertaker, and a guardsman stopped, shock in his words as he looked at the dozen Elrith and I bore.

‘That’s Rimmus’ Wife!’

The exclamation broke my heart… twisted at my soul as I considered the life of each of these… Wives, Mothers, Sisters, Husbands, Fathers, Brothers, beloved and innocent, undeserving of the fate that was now theirs. He directed us to the gate and headed off on his way. As we neared the gate the guardsman there regarded me with sadness and informed me that the undertaker was near the bridge.

Exhausted and spent in every way… I handed them over to him. I blessed and prepared the ground that was to serve as a graveyard for the dozen. I blessed the undertaker for his grim work and watched a long moment. My limbs were heavy and I felt unsteady, my thoughts a numbing whirl, and the only senseless thing I could draw out was a whispered apology laced prayer. I turned fearing my body would fail me if I stood a moment longer, and made my way silently back to the temple.

My thoughts tuned between utter sadness, rallying hopes, anger, at the cultists and at myself. More words of kindness were offered, more gentle comforts, that I felt I did not deserve. I assured the others I would be alright and sent them to find rest. Numbly in the silent temple, as the others slept I sought solace in a cup of tea… usually a cup or two calms on the worst days, and as I neared the end of my second pot of tea, the familiar whisper bid me seek rest… finally after a lengthy discussion of the days’ events, I did. My dreams were restless, and it did not last long, so I sought work… began finishing the task Brother Marcus had started. I had finished making careful copies of what he had already written when I heard footfalls through the temple.

I came out to see Esen, dressed in comfortable clothes and looking quite well. Indeed he was quite well, and my efforts to draw him from his darkness had succeeded. We spoke at length on many things, one of them, to my joy, was his willingness to take up the mantle of a child of the Broken God. Our conversation led to the events past, and to my own anger. It was strange to hear the words I handed another in friendship and truth returned to me. But he is right… I needed to let go of my anger, I needed not hold on to such. After I gave him a book on Ilmater he smiled and handed me a large bag of coins. The sum of which was so great I nearly dropped them. I saw them safely locked away. We talked a bit more before he left and I thought to return to my rest… I did briefly but a thought took hold in my mind. A good cause for the coins. An orphanage… clung to the joy and hope behind the idea so much that the need for sleep escaped me. And for a time my lifted spirits carried me.

I sent word to Father Tenith to meet me at the temple, hoping perhaps his church could lend a guard or two to protect those within the temple. I spent the rest of the day finishing letters to be sent out and waited for Father Tenith to arrive.

He came as the hour drew late, and my thoughts again grew scattered. We talked at great length over many things revolving around recent events. However the meeting was cut short as my mind could hardly focus on his words. Soon after he left other visitors, whose motives remain their own offered aid. I am no fool as to turn away a helping hand, least of all in these troubled times. We spoke until there was little else to say.

I made up the spare bed for the night’s guest, and tried to sleep, but again dreams were restless and every noise kept me awake. Finally I rose and searched through things until I found some bells attaching them to the windows and doors, and content that I would hear should anyone seek to enter, I went back and tried to rest. Dawn greeted me harshly, and my eyes were sore from lack of sleep… I got out of bed and saw to morning routines and chores, Brother Marcus seemed much better and was up and about… all seemed calmed as it could manage. I sent out messengers each bearing a letter to a different church and order as Brother Marcus had wished. I spent the rest of the day tending duties as they presented themselves. I put on a cheerful face for the children, taking comfort in their light spirits and now I greet the night, but still dread sleep… I think perhaps I will go prepare healing tonics for lack of something better to do…

How I long for peace… I pray for strength and I am joyful that I needn’t stand alone…I pray the faith of others, including the faith that Ilmater himself has in me is not misplaced… Let me not waver, let me not fall…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-THIRD ENTRY]

[The once careful script is jagged and haphazard]
I have not felt this lost since that day Illithids killed the raiding party, and I had to stumble near death and half starved for a week before I was found, and blamed for their deaths… I think perhaps the worst torments the Matron had to offer would be kinder than this. Sleep escapes me.

I tried… Dear mercy I have run it through my mind praying it be brought to some new light. Prayer grants me no respite, and even the once gentle voice of my Lord is harsh. He speaks contradictions. I cannot make sense of it all… I… my heart breaks. I close my eyes and my mind opens to such pain I can hardly bear it. Some how… something is wrong, my soul tells me this… But I cannot place that which seems out of place. That child should not have died. Ilmater forgive me… I think it was my hand that fell him… Mercy help me… oh please mercy grant me…

Have I fallen from favor? Have I wavered from my path? Have I failed you so gravely that you speak to me as such? I never meant to strike him, by mercy… Everything I have ever done since Mercies first Embrace, never have I displeased you… never have I failed to protect on such as this… A child!
Emrys and Elrith came again as the day waned. I had done some research since they last spoke of this demon and his embattled soul. I offered what council I could. I thought perhaps a Strengthening could help him. To build his own will that he could better fight the demon, weaken it, by denying its power.

I had hoped to be able to teach him to overcome the demon, teach him through force of will to gain hold over his own soul again, so that when it was time to sunder the demon, the demon would be weakened and contained. Even after this small rite, where I granted him a portion of my own will to bolster his own, he was impatient to be rid of the demon. I can hardly blame him. He begged release from it, if it could be done, and while I urged caution, I would not withhold his choice for him.

Indeed Brother Marcus could do so now. He could know an unhindered soul. I was wary… I was cautious, but I did my duty without question. I told him truthfully all I knew. At some point Crownsilver arrived. We had an extra child this night a young boy, curious and full of wonder. I sent him on his way, Crownsilver stood watch over the sanctuary entrance and Elrith stood near by. I focused on my prayers, on the rite, Brother Marcus began the Drawing Out.

The ritual seemed a success, Emrys and Brother Marcus both weak I moved them away from the demon who now stood before us all. To contain or destroy it I knew what needed be done. I worked to keep my focus, but before I could act another man appeared and in tow was young Sebastian. From here I loose focus on the train of events and my thoughts grow fragmented.

The demon saw the boy and struck quickly. I could do nothing fast enough. I think my undoing came in that instant… I promised anything to protect the boy… and I fear the ramifications of that promise… Tempers flared and reason left… I urged peace, caution to seek to deny that which the demon feeds off of. The man I saved, drew back from death, but could not gain hold over the boy. Ilmater forgive me I would have given my own soul in recompense. I know it is not mine to give, and my duty to you yet unfulfilled, but I was willing to do whatever needed be done for the well being of this small child I was failing miserably.

My mind is clouded. I remember the prayers… I remember reaching to the boy, engulfed in flames and held by the demon… I reached to bless him, draw the boy back to mercy, away from the demon… And next I knew he was dead at my feet, the others screaming… The demon laughed cruelly, and my mind fought to put together what just happened… How I had done what I did… I struck the child? I drew him down? No please… but before more action could be taken the demon was destroyed, banished to the Abyss and I fear with him went the child…

Next I knew I sat alone in the temple, the others had left, and Brother Marcus and the sisters, everyone but I lay sleeping peacefully.

I sat staring at my hands. What did I do? What happened? Did I truly kill that boy? My mind screamed at me… my soul twisted and my heart broke… A voice… my own thoughts perhaps? Spoke I struggled against the pain in my heart knowing if that child lay in the Abyss by my hand… His pain was worse still. I prayed and I begged a way to save him… my mind screaming at me so loudly I thought perhaps it would wake the others…Its words unforgettable seared into my heart:

‘Baby Killer…’

‘I will see this rectified, by all that is Merciful I will…’

‘Will you Merielle?’

I could not tell if the thoughts were my own, the voice of another… I saw no one… I sat alone in the sanctuary but clearly my mind spoke:

‘Somehow…’

I felt hope fleeting and faint, and for the first time in all these years I felt it fading… I struggled against it.

‘How will you explain the murder of the boy? The public will want answers.’

Murder? I felt the sting of tears on my cheeks… like fire they burned my skin and the voice continued to admonish and argue, beg and accuse, apologize and demand.

‘I never meant to strike him. I would have died in his place if it were the only way!’

‘But the fact remains… your fists killed him. Your lack of action doomed his soul.’

I stared helplessly at my hands, I felt cold… weak. I closed my eyes only to see the boys face…

‘No…I will find a way to make it right.’

‘Ah of course. Murdering a child can always be made right with prayer.’

I shook my head pleading with my own heart.

‘I never would have struck him… Never meant to… there has to be a way…’

‘Never meant to, but did’

I looked up… my words begging answer from the Crying God.

‘All are worthy the Mercy of a second chance! Grant me mine and I would make right that which I have wronged! Ilmater… Forgive me…’

The voice continued to speak, and I received no comfort from the god who for so long was my solace… Had I fallen so far from his favor? Wronged him so?

‘He deserved a second change… you took it from him.’

‘Then give him mine… spare him!’

‘It is not that easy, your soul is holy. It cannot be handled by the demon. There is a way though…’

I knew then the words were not my own, the thoughts not my own… I fought against it but the voice continued and my mind seemed fuzzy… I looked around and everything appeared out of focus.

‘If you truly wish to bring him back and give an innocent child life, you must take the corruptness into yourself.’

I buried my face in my hands and cried… this isn’t right! My soul twisted against the words… it could not be the only way… I fought to maintain my own will, to discern truth from mistruth. Still the voice danced through my mind unbidden. I fought against it with all my strength.

‘This voice of Ilmater that calls to me… This is not words of his Bidding… This is a trick… A lie…’

‘There is no other way my child. I am just telling you what must be done, I do not expect you to do it… After all, who would want to save the soul of a child they had murdered?’

I felt my heart shatter… so much pain and so much sadness… I closed my eyes to pray and all I saw was Sebastian's pleading face…

‘What do I do? His fate is undeserved, surely mercy can be granted him?’

‘To save his life you must bring another orphan into my forgiving hands… In the back lies a child… He will die from plague. He suffers. You must end his suffering.’

I shook my head against the wrongness of what I heard.

‘Another trick? Another Lie?’

‘No my child. You must end it… It is what I, Ilmater want. To end all suffering, it is all I want.’

I looked up confused, eyes blurred with tears… My head pounded. It took great effort to form my thoughts.

‘It has never been my place to take life. Never have I struck without first being struck… I never meant to… It cannot… I haven’t the strength… to take another life… -Please- I offer anything I have in recompense that is mine to give, but the life of another has never been mine to give… Why now? … I am so… confused…’

‘I… am sorry for mentioning it then… I thought you had faith in me.’

I felt as though I had been struck. A ragged sob escaped me and I shook my head pleading…

‘You have always had my faith Ilmater… but now you contradict all you have taught… I do not understand? It was wrong to take the life of one child who suffers, how can another make it right? I do not understand!’

‘You are right my child, you do not understand the workings of a deity. I will bring myself down and suffer the torment of having to deal with the demons for his soul.’

The words came coldly, like a dagger’s blade, and unforgiving. I shuddered fighting the contradictions… somehow this was not right…

‘This seems… so wrong… You are not one to hand out guilt, or to speak so harshly…’

‘Go rest now my child, you need it before you can make such a decision.’

With that the voice spoke nothing further. I cried… deep sobs that stole strength and breath. Such was my pain I could not stand… Mercy please I beg you Ilmater… from whatever torment this is… grant me your comforting embrace, guide me… I feel… lost… I feel alone… Have I failed you so to be beyond your forgiveness? I cried until I felt there was nothing left to expell in the form of tears or whispered prayers… Sleep would not come, nor would peace… nor would that Hand of He Who Endures… Mercy forgive me… I have faltered… I have wavered… I have failed…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-FOURTH ENTRY]

I spent the morning in meditation preparing food for the day. My spirits lifted gradually as good friends and cheerful conversation filled the temple.

It is good to see so many willing to lend aid to our church in our time of need.
Val is speaking quite well, and it seems the coin invested in her lessons was well spent. She carries on pleasant conversation now, and I have learned much of her history. I will transcribe the notes I took on her history and add it to what the tutor has given me.

It seems Emrys lack of memories were much like my faith, shaken a bit but not lost, and as we sit and enjoy fine company I cannot help but be lightened by the presence of good friends.
For now I must make more soup!
~~

More than a dozen sat in the arms of mercy and I actually ran out of food and had to whip up some extra rather quickly. Work I did not mind, and as conversation passed from one to the other I could not help but be happy for them all. In everything I seek to do mercy is exemplified. Those present learned from it, gained from it or were brought to better understanding. And with the support of the people my heart is soothed. The temple feels safe again. For the first time in many days, dear Adolina did not jump at the sound of the door opening.

Perhaps now, with so many protecting this place which is home, I can venture out again, see if my skills are needed beyond the temple door.

Mercy smiled this day after all, and now I rest in Mercies arms perhaps...
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-FIFTH ENTRY]

My dreams are still restless, and my heart still weeps, but duty does not halt in times such as these. I got myself up and got to work on things that needed tending around the temple. When chores were done for the morning, Sister Addy sent me out for some fresh air.

I am starting to understand what it truly means to endure. It is not what we suffer through physically or mentally alone that we are meant to endure. We are meant to endure spiritually, when faith is shaken and hope nearly extinguished, we are meant to endure as our hearts break and we long for peace and solace. To Endure such as this, that is the greatest test of faith and resolve. It is not the conflict of the mind, not the tortures of the body, though those two are important to endure when needs must…

The test of faith passed to us is not what our God hands us, but what the god of another places in front of us. To stand and wait patiently when every fiber of your being bids you move forward. To bide your time and wait when others wish to act. I can understand why they want to face the problem head on, but the voice of the divine bids me wait, so I shall. That does not mean that it is not maddening to the point that I wish it were not my burden to bear. The calm of the day before did not last as long as I would have liked but I am grateful for it. Another attack from the shadows, and my dear friends, eager for far too many reasons wish to confront the problem head on.

I urged caution and we set off down the road eventually. I wished we would have not, but it was prudent to at least make sure that more did not lay in wait down the road. Joan and Elrith, both capable fighters, myself, and Julie because I feared leaving her alone more than I feared the danger we might have faced. We made our way down the road, coming across other travelers as we did so. I urged caution. Joan wished to storm the temple… Elrith remained silent and I watched over Julie all the while my eyes on the looming structure ahead.

I had honestly expected to see some sort of trouble before we came along side it. The road however remained clear, save a few gnolls. People pass right by the accursed temple without a care, wholly unaware of the danger within, or thought themselves able to handle whatever might be there. I was trying to talk the others into heading back to the camp, but the only one who seemed convinced of the wisdom of such. I think Elrith would have been content with doing so, but there was never time to ask. Hopes that it was merely a random attempt to scare me again were quickly banished as shadow overtook the road. I urged the others to run… by then it was already too late.

I could barely see in front of me, but I saw Julie struggling brilliantly to hold her own. Badly wounded and still urging the others to flee to safer ground, I made my way to her. The battle was a roar in my ears. If I did not know better I would swear there were demons fighting alongside those of the God of Murder. I pushed forward to Julie, seeing her badly hurt, and hoping I made it to her in time. As I reached out to her, a prayer on my lips, I was struck from behind. I fought against the darkness that rose up around me. I felt consciousness slip, but watched as the prayer took hold and some of Julie’s wounds mended. I fought to whisper another prayer, fought to remain awake, but fell none the less.

When I woke we were north of Candlekeep and the hour was late. There was a large crowd of people around me… All so blasted concerned with my own wellbeing.

‘Julie? Where is Julie?’

I could not hold back the panic that took hold when I did not see her among those present. Gently and looking quite saddened, Elrith lay her at my feet. Fortunately she was able to be drawn back from the God of Death. Apparently I had died also, but I have far to much work to submit to death yet. I thanked the man responsible for raising me, and Joan agreed to arrange for lodging for everyone in Candlekeep.

The others made their way along the road, talking among themselves, battle weary and looking forward to rest they walked. I walked along behind them, lost in my own thoughts I did not realize that my pace had slowed. The group made their way into Candlekeep and I walked along musing. My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice.

‘You will never learn will you?’

I looked up to see the mocking grin of the Bhaalite who seems so fond of mocking me. Try as I might to not let the very sight of this man anger me, I looked back for the others… at the very least they were inside Candlekeep and safe. He continued his taunting banter, and I insisted on not backing down. Perhaps I am too stubborn for my own good. He spoke as I turned to go on my way, my intention to ignore his further needling.

‘He shall enjoy your soul the most...’

Without even listening to what else he said, I turned back defiantly countering his words. Nothing infuriated me so much as his next words:

‘But first… I shall feed him Julie, simply because I know it would pain you.’

My anger drawn to a fever pitch as he walked down the road laughing at my silence… by intention or not I am sure the look on my face confirmed what must have been a guess. I am watched far closer than I like I fear… how else would such knowledge be for them to know?

Incensed I strode into the keep. Told the others of what happened, and Julie dear, precious, innocent that she is insisted she would be quite safe so long as she stayed at the merchant camp. I insisted she be no where alone, but I think perhaps my words of warning were scribbled off as an overprotective, overstressed woman. All I can do is pray Ilmater keeps her well.

As the others headed to the inn, I took the time to deliver supplies to Nurse Abigail. However my smile, so carefully placed, quickly faded as I was greeted by Abby’s sobbing countenance. He had been in the keep… In the Infirmary! And threatened dear Abby simply because she too was connected to me. Told her to leave or her soul was forfeit. He also gave her a letter to deliver to me, and me alone. I glared at the bloodstained parchment, folded and sealed with the symbol of Bhaal… pointedly I opened it. As troubling as the threat was, I did my best to calm her. I promised her I would speak to Joan about extra guards, and a guard for the Infirmary until such trouble passed.

I made my way out and confronted Joan about the issue showing her the note, and she agreed that guards were a good idea. She set off to take care of it and I tried to focus on the conversation. The others wanted me to head back to Baldur’s Gate come morning… While I feared to wait, I felt it wholly foolish to try to make the trip at night. Resting uneasily in the few hours before dawn… I did not sleep.

When day broke, Julie had decided to stay at Candlekeep for a time which eased my mind if only a little. The Helmite, Elrith and a Moon Elf I had seen Joan speaking with the night before as my companions for the trip back. As we neared the temple of Bhaal another fierce battle ensued, I watched in terror how quickly they cut through them… Indeed, they were summoning demons, or perhaps devils… Hells-spawned and deadly spells I ran back into battle to draw the fallen from Death’s Gate and keep the others standing. All the while the words of the Elven man rang through me.

‘Come! They are buying you time. Joan will have my head if I do not see you to safety… We must go.’

All the while I focused on the duty at hand… Finally everyone made it to safety… I was weakened from the channeling of so much energy to protect those who fought on my behalf, and those I had raised. The Hand of the Divine does not move for me as it would a fierce battle priest. It moves

-through- me, and after a time, I must rest.

We arrived to Baldur’s Gate as the moon was mid-sky. I was in a daze. It took great effort to focus on the speech of others. As I did though I heard the Elven man hiring another for a large sum of coins to guard me. I protested. It was not -I- who needed protection… it was the Temple… my friends… those dear to me, others of the faith… who needed protection. He questioned me of the robed Bhaalite and it was hard to draw his voice over the din of my own thoughts, and all else around me. I asked him his name… I must have been more tired than I thought because I could have sworn he started to give me his house name… Surely not… I cannot remember what exactly he said his name was, but he was far too pale and far to kind to be Drow, so surely I simply misheard him. He left quickly thereafter. Slowly the din of the others faded as the day broke and they headed on their ways.

The kindly, and dedicated man who had been paid to look out for me was welcome company in the quiet, and an excuse to ignore my own troubled thoughts… but again the peace never lasted long enough. The robed man returned throwing threats. Perhaps I dared him to strike so that I could strike back… I know as wrong as that is, it was the thought that crossed my mind. He taunted and mocked, and I stood firm. As he turned to leave he tried to kill the guard. Somehow, Mercy protected him then, and the black-hearted mage’s spells passed without causing harm. He then turned his anger on me, but again the Hand of Ilmater was at my back, and I went unharmed.

‘Your God protects you well. Abby will pay for your insolence this day.’

And with that he turned and headed south. I followed. Hells be Damned if I was going to let him harm her! And as quickly as the thought left my mind, the voice of Ilmater bid me caution and calm. I quelled my fury and readied to face this wizard of Murder’s fold.

A short way down the road there was a large group… Whether they angered the magus or the man just struck out at them, I know not… but my pursuit was none the less slowed as I had to tend to the dead half dozen and the other wounded. Ilmater’s strength was truly with me then as I ran off toward Candlekeep, praying I was not too late.

I burst through the door of the infirmary some time later, nearly exhausted to the point of collapse, and it seemed in time. It seemed. I hadn’t had time to hardly catch my breath when the Bhaalist stepped from the shadows. I put myself between he and Abby, and readied to strike. Comfortable and unworried behind his spells… I was so weak and barely able to hold ground. My determination outweighed the din of blood rushing to my head. I prayed desperately to counter his every move. I was losing… I could feel the darkness rising to draw me down. I fought it, but in the end I was overcome. When I awoke, he had fled. Apparently the commotion had been heard, for there was now Elrith and another present.

Abby was terrified, and I worked quickly to comfort and calm her. There was that symbol on her forehead… some sort of foul curse that drains the essence of the victim. Quickly I used what little strength I still possessed to reverse it. Abby was weakened but safe, I saw her safely to her rest and ushered the others outside. Again there was talk of storming the temple, of moving Abby, several things… the whole time I was desperately trying to come up with a way to protect all of them so dear to me.

I could not protect those I cared for by myself… I couldn’t ask for help without endangering others… I could not remain at the temple and hold ground, and be out protecting all of them myself. It was readily apparent that others were willing to die for my sake… to throw them selves carelessly at some unknown danger, but I was unwilling to let them die.

Fine, high-born princes are not so well guarded and protected. I was too exhausted to do anything else. I longed to make my way back to the City… but I feared another step would be my doom. Too much… too much without enough rest, and I was badly weakened. I bid the others safe travels and made my way in to watch over Abby as she rested, and care for her patients. I do not remember falling asleep, but I likely needed it. It will be morning soon. I will make my way back to Baldur’s Gate then.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-SIXTH ENTRY]

Emotions run high and deep in a time where there is no end to trouble. As if there were not enough problems thanks to the cultists, somehow I have attracted more trouble from elsewhere it seems. I find my every action questioned and misunderstood, everything scrutinized, every thought at odds with the minds of others. I also can no longer feel safe, in or out of the temple. If I leave the temple, I risk losing those precious to me, if I stay I risk those precious to me. The words of the note haunt me still:

‘Those you care for will suffer no matter what you do.’

In fact I find that I am not targeted all unless I place myself between the hand of my enemy and those I love. There have been a total now of 7 attempted assassinations out side the temple… Only one within the temple walls, and then it was Brother Marcus victim of the attack and not I. It seems to me now, that they have taken a break from piling bodies at my feet in effort to further anguish me by visiting the temple while I am away. The innocence of the children are being exploited, namely Billy.

At least twice now that fiend has visited the temple and spoken with Billy. Filling his head with nonsense about me wishing the children would go because they are a burden, that when next he visits they should go with him. My heart wrenches to think that he was close enough to hand Billy a total of three daggers with the symbol of Bhaal on the hilt. Vipers, cowards and vipers and I wish to undo them all. Ilmater forgive me I would give him back each dagger, buried to the hilt and covered in his blood, oh Ilmater be with me… My mind and my heart question my own resolve. The faith that others have in me only furthers my own doubt. Have I been placed so far up that to misstep and fall would be the end of it all? Can I balance on this perch? For how long?

I shall have to speak to the Fist guard about what can be done to protect the children… Gods if anything happened to them… I would not have the heart to bear such a burden. Mercy I beg, protect them. Speaking with the Fist will not be so hard as I thought. I was worried that I would have to leave the temple long enough to seek them out, and in doing so risk the safety of the temple. Seems the Fist wish to speak with me…

The Ilmatari temple, namely me, is now under suspicion of harboring criminals? The door of this temple is open to all, and so far as I know all that have passed in or out of it have not been suspect of anything more than bad luck. If any wrongdoing on my part is to be claimed it is not but a trusting heart. Even that now is in question. It has even been suggested that I keep the temple door locked. Locked?! Certainly not. The day I must do so, I will beg forgiveness from Ilmater himself, kneeled at the base of Mount Martyrdom!

The arms of mercy have always been, and will always remain so, open to all regardless of past or blood. I suppose all manner of folk could pass through, and so long as they did not strike out at one of the temple, they could come and go as they pleased. It is not the way of mercy to question every soul in need before administering aid. I leave such things to the Tyrrans, Helmites or others who must concern themselves with law and the like. My oath is to help any and all in need, above all else, above even myself. So help me, I will not waver from such.

There was also an elf who visited today… and that tiny event also caused much stir. He came in asking for a ‘Miss Williams.’ Said he had a note, which of course ran my blood cold and all in the room eyed him with suspicion. Fearing it was another cultist threat, though confused they would send a messenger face to face with me, I tried to get a good look at him. I hadn’t the chance though, Elrith stepped protectively between myself and the elf. I could not see his face, but his voice was quiet and uncertain. Elrith began to demand he remove his hood and getting rather upset. She seemed to think he a Drow.

The poor thing was so nervous he dropped the note, which was a book on protections. I feared Elrith would strike him and after seeing it was not another cultist threat, I did not want her to lash out at him thinking he was deserving of bloodshed when he may not have been. Regardless of whether he was Drow or simply an unlucky Moon Elf, he had not harmed anyone in the temple, and thus could not be struck within the temple. Before I had a chance to explain this to Elrith and ask her to take him outside and determine his heritage, thus if bloodshed was required the sanctity of the temple was not brought to bare, she became angry and stormed off to find the guards. The nervous sort slipped out the door behind her without another word leaving me to wonder about the book in my hand. I looked it over carefully and found no reason to suspect it anything more than a book explaining how to create protection enchantments and wards.

There was hardly time to wonder what actually was going on. The Fist knocked at the door and in came several guards and Elrith and Emrys, all very worried about a Drow, the guard had apparently come to question our ‘criminal harboring’ but left to seek a Drow that may or may not have been. I spent the next several hours explaining why I would continue to do as I always have, as my faith and my heart dictates. I will not bend, I will not waver.

My heart is heavy with barely controlled emotion, and as I feared I would lose my hold to indignant anger. There is no end to the extremes I face. Chided like a small girl, fussed about like some sacred princess, questioned at every turn and viewed as an aid to that which is unlawful, hunted, despised, treasured and loved, looked to for guidance, and all the while as each looks at me my smile must not fall, my patience must not wane. If it were not for the gentle mercy of Ilmater… surely I would go mad in the midst of it all.

As I felt myself slipping to dispair and anger an new sensation overruled all that was ill in my being. I felt that comfort and warmth of Ilmater all around me, and his gentle voice in my ear. With these simple words he reminded me that I indeed did not walk alone in this, and that I was on the right track despite all that had befallen, or was yet to come.

‘Stray not from your path my child. Keep your faith close to your heart, or all is lost…’

I calmed and in doing so calmed the others. Conversations passed, and Tessian went ahead and replaced the doorknob that I have been meaning to replace for more than a tenday now.

Tessian has also decided to stay at the temple for now. I pray that such a choice does not bode ill for him.

Finally the others chose to seek sleep, leaving me with my thoughts. Sleep will not find me for the third day… maybe fourth in a row now. I drank a whole pot of Rachel’s most sleep-inducing tea, and all I gained from it was a need to seek the lavatory. So I write.

One thing I wonder as my thoughts pour out onto the page is Why? There are so many whys without answer. Why me, Why Ilmater, Why are others willing to die for me, Why can I not just heal those in need as I have always done, Why this business with the cultists, Why does Ilmater place such faith in me, Why do the others? And yet another puzzle to add… If that elf was indeed a Drow… -WHY- in all that is merciful would it seek to help me? Never in all those years in that deep, black hell did I meet one kind Drow, never in all those years forced to scrape their innards up and sew them shut, heal them, pray for them, never was I shown gratitude or kindness, never did I expect it.

They held the lives of the young over me then… killing children if I failed to comply to the Matron’s wishes… Why now would a Drow seek me out and offer me a gift to protect myself with? Surely it could not have been a Drow. Drow do not help any but themselves. And on the slim chance it was… Why? Another mystery for time to keep for now… perhaps it will be brought to light some day. In the mean time I have more than enough worries to keep me company, and more than enough trouble on my hands.

It is nearly morning now… I should get to work on the food. Lately, the temple has been packed at meal time. Good thing I like to cook, and thank all that is merciful Addy and Dianne like to help. Perhaps later my mind will calm enough for sleep… for now there is no sense in wasting the effort trying to draw sleep to me.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

Days I have spent pouring through tomes in the Libraries of Candlekeep... Every scrap of lore and information as rare among these tomes as a vibrant and precious stone among rubble. The Lord of Murder is despised, as is his ilk. Any information I have been able to glean has been scattered against loathing propaganda and endless torrents against him.

There is much basic information that could be gained on he and his allies... But nothing that would explain how best to deal with this threat. Nor does it explain why of all the faiths that bring hope to the people, why the Ilmatari are so singularly despised, though I imagine that may be in part from the company he keeps... Indeed the number of his allies against Ilmater or any of the Triad includes all of them.

There was a bard who passed through Candlekeep, and in noting my work he recounted a tale of the trio of mortals who took Jergal's place I have transcribed it carefully, though embellished it has likely a fair bit of truth.

Subject: Rumors of Baldur's Gate

I am haunted by the words of the assassin all those days passed in the temple:
'...hope is an emotion we can ill afford among the populace...'

It has been disheartening to have spent so long away from the temple... and worry gnaws at me. It seems though slightly more educated, I must make my way back to Baldur's Gate with what little I have, and be content that somehow, Mercy shall prevail where Murder walks.

Yes I have wasted far too much time amid these mountains of knowledge. I shall return to the city in the morning. I am starting to wish I had not given dear Abigail that trinket which allows one to travel unseen. She needs it more than I if she is to remain safe. I am loath to travel past that accursed temple, but I will take a wide berth as I make my way north... Ilmater guide me that I may avoid much trouble.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

In the still and quiet of the late evening, the door to the temple held no blood soaked notes to menace my thoughts in the moonlight. Quietly I ran my fingers over the deep gouges left by the daggers of the Bhaalists. Quietly I made my way into the temple to find everyone sleeping peacefully. A candle left in the kitchen alcove greeted me with a dance of light, most of the temple in shadow save for the path to the sanctuary. I was weary, more from being tense the journey home, rather than the journey itself. I expected some manner of trouble, and thankfully there was none.

Cloud leapt down from her perch on my shoulder and the top of my pack and scampered off to lay next to Dianne. The children sleeping peacefully brought a sense of peace and a smile to my face. I made my way to the back of the temple quietly, made a pot of tea and stood watching the moon bathed streets from the window. I should be exhausted, but I could not find it in me to sleep. Lately I do well to rest a few hours. Nightmares do not trouble me so much as the worry that something will go awry as my mind drifts from dream to dream.

I pulled from my pack the notes I had taken during my time in Candlekeep and read through them. So little information! And nothing that would help unravel the mysteries of the whole mess. Perhaps I am seeking reason and order where there is none? Perhaps what motivates them is nothing more than the wish to incite misery for the sake of the Lord of Murder… I did learn that many of Bhaal’s allies to some extent or another despise Ilmater or the members of the Triad. Of the Triad, the Ilmatari are the smallest in number. A cowards tactic to strike at the lesser threat, but it does make some sense. A ploy to stay in good favor with the others? Or simply a means to glorify Bhaal? I am beginning to think the reasons mean little. In truth all that matters is that we stand. That the Ilmatari do not waver.

Indeed there is much to be grateful for. Today another large donation was granted me by Esen. A gift from his family he had said. There should be enough gold to build the orphanage, once the fine point details are ironed out, and now this sum he handed me today is ‘to Fortify and expand the temple…’ I know not how we can fortify this humble temple, but perhaps adding to the dormitory and expanding the dining area would not be such a bad idea. Indeed we grow in number despite the threats of the Bhaalists. As many as frequent the temple of late for meals, a larger kitchen and dinning area is almost a necessity.

I felt bad as those dear to me heard of my return. They were worried, especially since I left without a word. Still, I saw no better way. If I had told them of my wish to travel south, they would have wished to accompany me, and likely been in danger. Had I left a note they may have traveled after me, and still been in danger. My biggest worry that bid me hold my thoughts to my own counsel was the alarming ability of the cultists to know my comings and goings. I know for a fact they can come and go as the shadows bid them and fear that unknown they wait and watch near the temple, or Gods forbid it, from within the temple walls. As I explained my reasoning to them, they were content with it, and worry faded from their faces. I told them of what little I had found, and the thoughts that formed in my own mind as a result.

Indeed I had left the temple in good care. Many it seemed, gladly stopped by regularly to watch over the children, the sisters and Brother Marcus. It also seems that in my absence there was little trouble with the cultists. Perhaps they gave up trying to route us, or in my absence thought I had abandoned my cause… either way the temple was safe in my absence, and activity to the south, around that accursed temple was minimal.

Poor dear Elrith… her heart grieves Aloria. She fears for the fate of her soul. I know not exactly what happened, only that it was somehow related to this impending undead threat. Aloria’s soul was in conflict and weighted by sorrows. It is possible that she wishes not to be drawn back from death at all. What worries me though is what manner of necromancy she may be subject to. Mercy grant me… I promised Elrith I would help however I am able, be it drawing Aloria back among the living, or seeing her soul to peaceful rest. We spoke at length, and my words visibly calmed her, but it is evident the pain in her heart needs time to mend.

Aleil joined us, and brought with him a guest I was glad to see. Sir Wyndsoul, who I understand is to be credited as the benefactor of the temple. He seemed an honorable man indeed, and offered further service to the temple, stating if we needed anything we need only ask.

‘More guards for Lady Merielle…’ Aleil supplied, and I waved it off… I am no grand lady in need of protection. I stated simply that I wished to see the temple and those within it kept safe.

Sir Wyndsoul asked of the current caretaker in the absence of Sister Abby. I was caught off guard when all eyes looked to me. From what I hear of Sister Abby, I would greatly like to meet her, and perhaps benefit from her wisdom. Still I guess, in her absence… I have taken the mantle of caretaker for the temple. I wished to speak with Sir Wyndsoul more, and indeed he wished to know of this Bhaalist threat, but his duties carried him away for now. No doubt I will see him again in the future.

Aleil and Elrith left soon thereafter to seek rest and for a brief time I was left to my chores and thoughts. A Dwarf came to the temple wishing to train in the way of the Yellow Rose and learn of Mercy’s ways. He looked to me as a teacher. I fetched for him one of the books that I have written up for those who show interest in Ilmater. It contains the knowledge I have gathered of our religion. I am down to one copy. A blessing indeed. I have never thought of myself as more than a healer… and after today I am achingly aware of the mantle others have placed on me.

Teacher? Tutor? Caretaker? They come to me for guidance, for aid, for renewal, for friendship. I see children come to the temple now in respite from life on the streets, I see those who hunger draw up to our table smiling. Those who hunger for mercy drawn to the temple for solace. It gladdens my heart and soul to be able to help so many. Many of which I call friend, dear and precious. The temple is often filled with reverence and laughter. Hope burns brighter than ever here despite the work of those against us. So I impart peace to the restless hearts, mercy to those who seek it, friendship, offer warm food and comfortable beds to those who need it, share my meager wisdom with those who seek it. With the Hand of Mercy at my back, and Ilmater’s gentle guidance, I am hopeful that my path is true, and as they walk with me, Mercy also guides their steps.

Tessian has been staying at the temple, and with him present, there is no shortage of laughter. Billy is very fond of him, and seems to enjoy playing ‘pirates’ with Tessian. It is good for Billy to have someone to pester rather than taunt Dianne. The tales of there adventures recounted in grand fashion brings a smile to my face. Why just today ‘William o’ the Waves’ rescued me from Drubble Trubb, scourge of the seas. Boys as young children play such games and so long as he does not try to save me from some real danger… though I know he would try bless him, I am glad for Tessian and how he has taken to amusing Billy. He seems to enjoy it nearly as much as the boy does. Though in truth, I think Tessian is eternally young at heart.

Dianne has my love for books, she seems to take to the stories on the pages. I can see in her eyes as she lets her imagination sweep her into the tales. I will get her some more books from the bookstore in town the next time I am out. Most of all though she enjoys helping in the kitchen. She loves to help make bread… Indeed it is hard to miss the twinkle in her eye as she helps with the dough. The smell of fresh bread is ever present. It is a cozy aroma, and I can hardly blame her for loving it so.

Gifts pour into the temple. Jewels, the young woman who brought the heavy Troll skin blankets returned today with several wolf skin blankets for the children. Indeed there have been donations of bandages and supplies by Val, offers by others to run errands for the sisters, donations left by the kitchen for the food. The trickle of folks in prayer in and out of the sanctuary has even lightened Brother Marcus’s steps. And we humbly insist the gifts are not needed… Though those who offer them insist we take them. At least it is all put to good use. There have even been those who offer to help with the sick that we tend here, or even offer to guard the temple if need be. Several have pledged to stand with us if ever the time to draw swords against the cultists does come to pass.

Indeed if Bhaal seeks to undermine our work here, or turn us away from our tasks… He is failing. Not only does our hope renew in the face of his assassins and followers, but it draws the people together lending strength to us all in the face of such threats. Still I hope whatever trouble is yet to come of this, that we are ready.

There are other things that may or may not be worrisome for me. Seems Elrith’s suspicions about the hooded elf who brought that book so many days ago may not have been misplaced. I think back to that day when we made a mad run from Candlekeep and the hooded Elven man said Joan would have his skin if I did not make it back to Baldur’s Gate safely… and then his words thereafter. Did he mean to give a house name that day? Indeed he left quite quickly when the whispers of Drow were heard. Still surely I thought him nothing more than a dark skinned moon elf. Certainly not a black-hearted, black-skinned Drow? Then the two visits to the temple, one to drop off that book on protections, and to report to Joan on the activities of the cultists. Both times his heritage was his secret to keep, and try as I might I could not picture his as a ‘pale Drow’ for surely the Drow have no one’s interests but their own at heart, and surely least of all mine… But then again… there can be no more doubt of such… Not if what miss Jewels says bears truth.

Said that he was captured entering the city, and maintained that he was here to help the priestess of Ilmater against the Bhaalists… and that he was indeed a Drow. My mind screams conflict at this. Drow? He is a Drow and not a Moon Elf. Further more what does that mean? Is it a trick? House Baenund seeking a way to draw back something they feel they own? A spy? Perhaps an assassin wishing to keep the Matron Mother’s secrets, that I may or may not hold or share? But then why the ruse? Jewels said his answers seemed genuine, and the holy symbol he presented seemed to rile the guards… but that possibility is simply too strange to wrap my mind around… A Drow who wishes to -help- me? Has the Multiverse gone mad?

This goes against everything I hold as truth. Still, he did see me safely to Baldlur’s Gate when in the fray of battle he could have left me to fall, killed me and blamed the cultists or any manner of Drow plot or scheme… He could have brought some menacing threat, or a cursed book, not some means of enchanting items to protect… He could have told Joan nothing the last day I saw him, or more to Drow character, led us all into a deadly trap of sorts… and he did not. He genuinely seemed to want to help.

Had Jewels not told me this day that the elf they indeed killed was a Drow, I would still maintain he an unfortunate Moon Elf subject to undue suspicions and prejudices… But he is indeed Drow… and I cannot help but wonder of his motives… is it indeed a well laid scheme or stranger still… a genuine desire to help? Regardless… I hope that if death does not keep him, he will at least keep away. I do not think I need the trouble of being labeled a cohort to the Drow… I do not think I could look him in the eye without belaying my dislike for the Drow or distrust. I pray no further trouble comes from this…

And speaking of trouble… Seems Val has taken it upon herself to give my social life a little nudge. She was none too subtle as she insisted Tessian take me out for ‘good food and wine…’ to forget my work as I work to hard. Indeed I think she was hinting at more than dinner… Just what I need. More encouragement for romances. Is it not enough Billy and Dianne seem to think that I have a suitor somewhere, and there is no shortage of fawning gentlemen it seems… now I have a matchmaker? Oh troubles of the heart are the last thing I need… the very -very- last thing indeed.

If ever there is a mercy to be granted this would be one I beg… I have no want for romance, no time, it is unwise, unsafe, and far more complicated than even I have the patience for. Val does not seem the type to be readily put off or to give up, and I doubt she will cease her quest until she thinks I am enjoying myself and in good company… Mercy of Mercies grant me patience. Tonight I was able to excuse myself in favor of rest. I wonder how many excuses I will have to weave…fortunately there is no shortage of work. It also seems I need to transcribe more books for the initiates as I am down to my last copy.

There is much to be done in favor of the orphanage and much to do for the temple… I will simply have to tread carefully and do the best I can. Still it is a blessing to have a friend who cares as such, that she would look out for me so. Indeed I am very blessed, with much to be grateful for, and many friends to be thankful for.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FOURTY-NINETH ENTRY]

As another day passes without incident, I count my blessings, and they are many. I cannot help but pray this peaceful lull is more than the calm before another storm, or even they eye of the most recent ones. I fear my troubles are far from over however, rumors of Bhaalist activities near the foul temple to the south still reach my ears. There are still whispers of undead to the north. Not all rumors are bad these days that I hear. I hear that there are a few more Ilmatari trickling in. Be they new initiates, recently converted or seasoned souls used to walking in the steps of mercy, I do not know, but I hope to meet them.

Once my chores were completed, well before sunrise, I decided to spend a day outside of the temple. I made sure things were well situated and stocked, and the Tormites and Tyrrans were kind enough to lend guards for the temple. I spent the day much as I used to: By the merchant camp working on drawings, passing time in conversation. Maximus Angius [a sketch of his face and some notes on his wife are folded into the page here] Approached me today, and offered to pay for my services… At drawing no less!

He seemed in a hurry but promised to seek me out in the future. From what I can gather he would like to commission a portrait of he and his family, recently married I think. I would gladly do so for them, though I am unsure about doing so for payment. As I said, I am a humble healer who likes to scribble little pictures, I am hardly an artist. Still it seems those who look on my idle little pictures are most impressed.

This is not the first time I have been offered payment for a drawing, though I hardly know what I need the gold for, or what a fair price would be for such a thing. Ha! Gold does seem to complicate things… nearly as much as romance does… Still I suppose a fair bit of coin wouldn’t hurt. I have less than three hundred coins, which is scarce enough to buy bandages. If this nonsense with the cultists and undead ever passes I should probably seek some work and training.

I had made my way back to the temple after a pleasant meal with Val, Adam and Tessian intent on getting some rest, but sleep never comes easy for me. I tried to sleep, and failed, so I worked on some transcription for a time. I had just finished a new copy of the tome on Ilmater when Rachel brought me some tea. I continued to work on my notes, thanking Rachel and drinking tea.

Rachel makes the most wonderful herbal teas! I think this time she was intent on me getting rest… extra chamomile I think because the next thing I remember was Esen shaking me awake as I had fallen asleep at my desk. I crawled into bed shortly thereafter. However I think perhaps there is a large rodent, or perhaps small mammal, as there was a great deal of noise… That or Tessian and the children were up to some mischief… But it shall remain a mystery for now, I fell asleep and did not wake till nearly mid-day. I feel well rested though, for the first time in too long, and I am ready to face whatever is placed before me. Though I wonder what that may be…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FITHTIETH ENTRY]

Today was just proof that time can pass in an amusing tirade of one mishap to the next. There was a great deal of cheery conversation, throw in a little mischief, some heartfelt worry, an unhappy Elf, an extremely absent-minded old man, a little kindness and top the whole thing of with a healthy bit of appreciation for the simple things and even the less than shining moments are something to be thankful for.

There are talk of Drow, whispers of plague, the threat of ne’er-do wells, and yet, still I cannot count this as a bad day. The sun was bright and warm, the night peaceful, and no matter where I look I can find a friendly face… Well mostly at least. There was an Elven man who seemed none too fond of humans, and while I cannot say I have the displeasure of his name I doubt he will be hard to mistake. He spits more venom than a cobra. It is sad really… Not all are blessed with the patience to take crass words in stride.

I fear it is but a matter of time before his prejudicial attitude leaves him to knock on Myrkul’s Gate. I pray mercy finds him and grants him a second chance when he has need of it. I would offer to buy him a drink, get to know him, perhaps find out why he is so spiteful, but I doubt even I have that kind of patience. No doubt he would manage to find fault in the best of intentions. If he chooses to shoot poison from his lips then he shall learn soon enough that such will leave him lonely. At least all elves are not predisposed to such, of course I imagine that each race has its fair share of prejudices and hatreds.

Fortunately he despised human presence enough not to linger overmuch. It is hard to say, but I think he rather enjoyed seeing how many feathers he could ruffle. I am sure there will be no shortage of quick tempers for him to unhinge. Though I think perhaps if one were to lash out at him, provoked or otherwise, it would only fuel his hatred.

There was an elderly gentleman, very absent-minded in his age, dare I say, even suffering from Dementia. Most assuredly time had taken a grave toll on his mind. Though some would label him a danger, I think he is largely harmless. No doubt if frightened or confused he might try to harm another, but he would be largely unsuccessful I think. I worry more for him in that he might get hurt, taken advantage of. He does not seem to have a home. Surely there is some place he can stay safely? He carries around a rake, perhaps he is a farmer? I wonder if he could tend a garden in exchange for room and board? At least then he needn’t sleep in the middle of the road? I will ask around, see if perhaps I can find a suitable arrangement.

The three times I made my way to the temple, all was well. It gladdens my heart to see so many visitors to our humble temple. People come freely and without fear to seek healing and aid… even Solace. For a time I was worried fear of the Bhaalists would turn those in dire need away. The kitchen stays busy much of the day now, and Sister Addy blames my cooking. Thankfully Billy and Dianne are such a grand help, for Addy is right, a great deal of people come seeking warm food. For all the mischief he causes Tessian has proven a great help as well. He and Sister Addy I think rather enjoy terrorizing each other. I think though that perhaps Addy and Juna’s banter over my future love life has been overheard by the children.

Leave it to a couple of mother hens to start such gossip. Billy asked me if I had kissed him yet, and Dianne’s grin belies her thoughts. This of course has been complicated by Val’s none to subtle matchmaking attempts, and now some misconstrued conversation, that no doubt has now been twisted beyond truth thanks to Colt and his mischief. Mercy save me! I hope that not too much trouble comes of this. Perhaps adding to the amusement of the whole situation is Tessian’s incessant humor.

Even as he chides in complete seriousness and worries over my wellbeing, he cannot do so without sneaking in a joke. Ah but the boon of laughter that comes of his friendship is a blessing in and of itself. At least he seems to understand my desire to keep heartstrings untangled… if only it were so simple all the time. Ha! How can a simple healer such as I attract so much attention? I do not seek it out… in fact I go out of my way to avoid it. At the least of it, I can say I have no shortage of friends, and no shortage of blessings.

More have pledged to aid the Ilmatari in whatever means they have need of. Many have promised to stand with us should the time to draw blades against the Bhaalists. Though I wonder if it will even come to that? I hesitate to let my own hopes flutter out of control, but it has been nearly a tenday since I have heard of an attack. Perhaps they have given up? Dare I hope? I pray let it be so…

There are still whispers of undead amassing to the north, and when that tide will break dam is anyone’s guess. There are whispers in the streets of some manner of sickness, and the details are scarce for now. In preparation for possible problems, I have made sure the temple is well stocked for dealing with all manner of sicknesses. Should such a time come when the Ilmatari are again called to aid the sick, we shall be ready. Mercy be with us then and guide us true. There are also rumors of Drow attacks again… I cannot help but cringe. Foul things that they are, at least they are met in force and I have not had to deal with them overmuch.

Sleep found me easily this night passed, and indeed the weights on my heart seem to be lighter of late. I wake again well rested and ready to face what ever the day holds. Time reveals all mysteries, and through it all Mercy prevails. My spirit feels renewed by the days passed. I think perhaps I will seek to earn a bit of coin. I am in need of new robes. These are getting hard to patch and the hem is getting a bit worn. Well, there is food to prepare and the day awaits me…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-FIRST ENTRY]

[this particular passage is written in a much heavier script than normal there is several places where something has splattered on the page and smeared the ink a bit]

Blast it ALL! Blast it all and forgive me. Ilmater forgive my foolishness! I want to scream but I dare not because the whole of Baldur’s Gate would hear it. I dare not wake the children… Dear Billy is finally resting peacefully, though I fear nightmares will plague him for some time. I cannot sleep. I have had to stop several times just in writing this brief bit to pace the room. Every little noise and I rush to check on the children. Blast it all and Damnation! Mercy will not find the Bhaalists save for that of a quick death, and I no longer care if it is by my hand or another… I will stand for it no longer.

Billy was nearly lost to us today. Esen and I were speaking when he lit off out of the temple so quickly we had barely time to see him go. We gave chase, but he was already out of sight. My heart dropped when we made it to the merchant camp and he was not there. I knew better than to think he would act as such without a cause and as passersby told us that he was headed south at a dead run… I could hardly quell the panic and worry that was building. At some point we were joined by Tarnok.

All at once there he stood… and that snake… That Bhaalist viper stood there with his hand over Billy’s shoulder and that smile… The look on his face… It will taunt me endlessly… I will see this through if I must tear down that foul temple brick for brick! Poor Billy, I saw the confusion in his face as I pleaded as best I could without alarming him. But though he might have wished to come to my side he did not. He mocked as he fed Billy lies.

His eyes spoke the truth his words would not as he told Billy he would help us. I could barely hear the others speaking pleading as I was for Billy to move a safer distance away from the black mage. I inched tentatively forward praying that my every action and every breath would not further draw him to danger. From the corner of my eyes I saw others gathering be it from curiosity or a wish to help, and I did not care… my eyes moved from Billy’s to the magus. I prayed as I felt my own strength failing me, my own courage slipping.

My emotions barely withheld, I could no longer hear the voices of Esen or Tarnok… no longer did I see the others gathered round us… I heard not the birds, felt not the breeze. The whole of my being screamed in anguish as I feared that seemingly endless distance between Billy and I. I could not draw breath, could barely speak, and when the words did escape my mouth, they no doubt sounded desperate and pleading.

‘You mean to fight me?’

His words came coldly as the others readied for a battle that was no doubt imminent, and as desperate prayers fell from the core of my being I looked at him… into that blackness that was his twisted soul. I spoke, and now I think perhaps it was those words he sought from me all along… Anything he felt he could use as a challenge… and in my weakness I granted him that which he so longed for as the day waned.

‘I mean to protect him from you in whatever means.’

‘So Be It.’

His words were spoken with such cold finality. I felt the whole of existence slow to an aching pace then. My vision narrowed so singularly… I saw nothing but Billy’s eyes widen as the Bhaalist raised his hand. I had known his intent… Feared it from the first moment I saw him… from the day Billy had told me the man had given him the dagger… Foolishly I had allowed it to come to this moment. It was as though all of the Multiverse had faded… there was no color, no shapes save that of Billy and the Mage… and no sound save the scream I felt erupt from my body. Of all the darkness I had faced… all the pain and suffering of every known moment to me… all the torments yet to face… none of it… None of it… held weight next to the anguish I felt as he struck Billy down much as a man squishing a small insect. I remember very little clearly after that.

I felt my fists striking the mage with a force and a violence I did not know I possessed. My own scream echoing through my mind… it drown out the sounds around me… I saw the flashes of spells, felt pain wrack me, and as spell and weapon shorn my being I paid it no heed. My focus on the mage so singular. The whole of the events moved slowly and as the magus crumpled to the grass I looked desperately for Billy.

Esen had already scooped him up… or Tarnok… I cannot say which… I cannot say it mattered to me as I gathered his small frame into my arms. Tears stung my eyes. My anger boiled them… they burned and I shook as though the singular entirety of all the force there was in the known existence shuddered through me. There was hardly time to understand the depth to which it resonated.

Through the ringing in my ears, and my tear-blurred eyes I saw the ambush take hold. Ilmater forgive me… In that moment I did something I had never done… I left the field of battle out of selfishness. I prayed Ilmater protect the others… and clung to Billy’s small wide eyed frame… I ran northward thinking of nothing more than getting Billy to safety. As we ran northward I heard the sounds of battle staying close at our backs.

I paused as we caught sight of the merchant camp. The sense of the world around me slowly returning, I set Billy down and clung to his hand. I nearly died when his small eyes looked up at me:

‘I was so scared sister Meri. He said he would kill everybody if I didn’t come…’

Fiends! Hells spawned, be damned cowards… Hiding behind children and shadows! Threats veiled in blood and malice. How can I be asked to show mercy to such as these? I will not… I will not stay my hand. Speak you of Bhaal, threaten all that is good and I promise I will end you.

Ilmater forgive me, but the time for second chances has passed, and those who shorn mercy in whatever small measure it is offered deserve no more than a merciful and quick death. Such taint cannot be allowed to corrupt the hopes and hearts of people. I will not waver. I will not sway from this path the Broken God has set me upon… I do not face such alone. Mercy gathers its allies, and when the time to draw swords comes my fists are willing.

‘Never take up a weapon. Know the weight of each blow you land. Choose to come to blows only after careful weighing of such.’

I know the weight of it, and when the time comes… I will bear that weight to the undoing of those who would strike hope and peace from the hearts of those who deserve it.

Just in these last few hours the peace of the last tenday seems distant. I was a fool to think the worst had passed. I will not make the same mistake again. I will wait, bide my time and gather in force the strength and hope I hold, share it that it be multiplied among those dear and close to me. Even the smallest flame the least flicker of hope, can set ablaze the land… spreading like a wildfire.

I think perhaps I have consumed enough tea to put a dragon to sleep and still I pace. It is Sister Rachel’s most calming, sleep inducing herbal tea, and I am more wound then a gnomish inventors springs. I tried to draw, as it usually calms me, but what was to be a calm shore has turned into a tempest that even Umberlee and Talos would fear.

A conversation passed that night... Strange when the shadows talk back... stranger still when you do not mind it. I shall have to speak to Joan and make sure she keeps a healthy supply of Rachel's Chamomile-Mint tea... she may find need of it if she entertains certain guests. Ah the one part of the night that brings a smile to my face...

Morning draws near. The swelling is nearly gone from my hands and wrists… The bruises will take some time to mend, the gloves will cover them in the mean time.

I shall set about working on something… no doubt there is something that needs done. Perhaps I can scrub the temple floors? Yes no doubt that would keep me busy… First though… I shall see to the food in the kitchen. Then the floors… perhaps next dust the books and the shelves… I have lost count the number of times I have checked on the sleeping children.

Mercy grant me, keep them safe…
~~