Nezkreal went back to her room, sitting on the bed before unbuckling her Gauntlets. Taking a long moment to look at the subtle differences between her bandaged hands, she spoke softly..
“Has it really been this long?”
The words lingered in the air for a moment as she looked over a room that had become familiar over the years.
“Have you really been gone this long?”
Pulling a ring from her finger, she rolled it from hand to hand and stood up walking to a small desk across the room. Dragging a grease pen from the old wooden drawer, she opened a book across from her pausing to reflect before writing. Her hand tensed around the pencil taking a long breath and slowly exhaling a small cloud of icy air.
“I was never good at letters, even worse at keeping journals.. You always told me to write down my thoughts instead of brooding over them. So here we are.. Where to begin? Where to start? Should I begin with an apology?
Words simply cant begin to describe how much I miss them.
Words simply cant describe how much I miss you.”
Her shoulders tensed up clenching the pen and looking at the bottle of mead for a long moment. Reaching out to her comforts she stopped herself short.
“No.”
She said softly to herself, allowing the silence to settle in the room.
“I have to mean it”
She crumbled up the page, tossing it just short of the rubbish bin. Her cold bandaged hands smoothed out the blank page, and she put the pen to the page.
“Nearly a year ago I awoke in the cursed body that caused my sleep. My eyes opened to a world echoing with your absence. Every moment in time reminding me of you.. The Snow.. The big empty sky..
I spent some time wandering, listening to the endless chatter of cities trying so hard to drown out my own thoughts.. When the noise became too much, I spent days in silence with only my memories turning my smile into tears.
Days passed. Winter came and left.. When the snow cleared I forced myself to speak to complete strangers. Short conversations at first, rude insults a moment later. It didn't rob me of the coldness, not all at once.. But I began to frequent campfires and speak with adventurers. One in particular by the name of Myhun Kren.. I would sit across from the old timer and watch the hairs on his mustache, quickly making jests at his expense. It never struck me that this man would be the first to convince me I'd been wrong all those years before.
Every day I'd leave the Blade and Stars Inn and come to the campfire. The old man would be waiting there with the worst jokes I've heard in years.. And somehow we made a game out of it. We would walk down the roads trading one terrible joke for another. I wont torture with with an example, but I will say this was the first time I can recall smiling after I'd lost you. Smiles became laughter, and just as I was beginning to remember kindness.. It dawned on me the frailty of my newest friend.. My thoughts began to cannibalize themselves under the reality of our friendship.. It was a lie.. He had no idea who and what I was. So I was faced with a choice, share in the bliss of the moment.. Or potentially lose him for ever.
That evening the choice was made for me. We traveled to the temple of Auril, and I tried to do my best impression of an avalanche; demonstrating the power of letting things go. I told him everything.. I told him about you.. The cold.. The graft.. The undeath.. All the while I waited for him to hate me... But he never did. He just stood there. I beckoned him, nearly yelled at him to destroy me.. And he could have, I wouldn't have fought him.
Finally, he spoke. His words were direct and to the point.. With a strange accent and wiggle of his mustache he told me that I needed to stop feeding into excuses. He said that I was more than a name, and by far one of the few to put joy into his life in a very long time. So we stood there for a while talking about what is to happen next. The old man asked me to walk the road of redemption if not for him, for myself.
“The road is long, I dont think I can make it with the time I have left”. I responded.
“Nonsense”. He said, as if anticipating my response.
We sat and talked for a while about who he was before I met him. About the Fist and everything he'd seen and done. We traded story after story like time was expensive but we were both filthy rich. And when it was finished, I'd decided to take him up on his challenge. I needed to find my place, somewhere that I could learn the secrets of undoing my necrotic curse, somewhere that would stand neutral to all of the woes of the world. It was time I sought out the great walls of a great gated library known as Candlekeep.
Closing her book, she placed the book in her drawer and went to bed for the night.
Last edited by CommanderKrieg on Thu Nov 10, 2016 3:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Laying in a straw bed in the Ilmater Shrine, Nezkreal watched the cieling for a long while. Her attention turned to her missing arm, looking at it for a long moment. Reaching under her pillow she took out a cold frozen book, peeling the pages apart and smoothing out a brittle piece of parchment. Reaching around the bed with her remaining right arm, she searched for a piece of charcoal.
The frozen women began writing..
"Its been one day without the arm.. I feel sick, constantly. The weave holding it to my body must have been attached to the weave keeping me alive in this form.. Its just as I calculated. I feel my body failing me.. The constant flaring of my every nerve searching for my limb burns, its nearly unbearable.. But its necessary.. Nothing I suffer can compare to what I put them through.
Yet.. The restlessness.. Pain... Fear... its not the worst of it."
A long moment passes unable to write as she winces from a spasm where her arm used to be..
This is the second night I spent here in this old dingy room.. While I'm begining to get used to tasteless soup, the shrine has treated me well. There is an armada of kindness surrounded me at all times. Friends come and go, Clint visits everyday.. Its actually kind of.. Nice. My days have been spent well, in good company for the most part.
The worst is the night.. Every night since I left the north, I've had this recurring dream. I am standing in an endless darkness, wading through a warm luminescent water. The water is calm all around me, and the stars appear in the sky. Suddenly I am rushed with an indescribable feeling of cold. The water freezes around my legs and I cant move. Panic takes over me, I begin to use the weave but it doesnt work. By the time I turn around I stand before a towering frozen visage. A women steaming with a cold icy smoke... Her name is Auril, at a time I called her my godess. I find myself helpless, staring into her cold glowing eyes.. But shes not mad. She even asks me about my travels. At that moment I lose control of my actions, the dream plays out like a script. I begin apologizing for turning my back on her.. She silences me and promises I will not suffer, so long as I am willing to pay interest on my debt.
I suppose what frightens me the most is every time, for nearly a year it ends the same.. I give in. In that moment I agree to her terms, and I tell her I'm willing to do what ever she wants of me.. And while I struggle screaming at myself to say anything else, the frost maiden fades away.. And in that moment I am alone again.
There will be a day where I am held accountable for turning my back on the clergy. I only hope that I am strong enough to resist the urge to give in when that time comes.
I'm fairly sure I overworked myself yesterday. When I joined up with Ashan and Ronja I thought they wanted to go to the mountains of the south. It turned out they wanted to go to a place nearly made of fire to the north.. Fire giants are a special kind of hell for me, nearly the ninth level. I was more capable than I thought I'd be.. Yet, I was almost struck down by a massive Baalor. If it wasnt for my friends I may have been destroyed.. At that moment I began to think about friends.. The people I have come to know and how far I've come.
When I arrived here a druid brought me to life.. Never exchanged many words after that. I hardly got to know him before we parted ways. To this day, I wish I could recall his name. The first person to speak to me was a man by the name of Wes. He was a strange warlock, I had sworn I thought him to be some kind of Bhaalist. Instantly I had judged him and thought little of him. As the days would go on he would be one of my most true friends..
Its strange how we perceive people by their class, rank, and title. I have met those so vile they arent allowed in many parts of the land.. A man named Greil who owns a company devoted to trade and protection. A known Bannite, carrying the reputation of the bloodied black hand on his back everywhere he goes.. Yet he only has treated me with kindness. He never pushed me to take up the word of Bane, or commit any crimes. He took my gold for protection and protected every last word of my undeath.. And then, there is Laitae, the former Guide now Great Reader of Candlekeep. She is centuries old, wise, the symbol of neutrality and knowledge. When I had told her who and what I was, she told me I could never be part of Candlekeep unless I change it. When I asked her to teach me, she told me she didnt have the time to hold anyone's hand or talk. She was cold and heartless, even making mention to threats if I ever crossed her.. When I told her I sought redemption, she traveled to every place I could go and told them not to trust me. I hold a great number of regrets, but speaking to her is nearly one of my greatest. Since then, I have been treated like a plague and removed from every building that could help me. Had I been weaker, joining the Zhents would have come easy.. She almost successfully stopped me from ever receiving help. There is a special sort of cruel to that women, but I took that as a lesson. My path to atonement must be upon my own shoulders. By my own will I resisted the loneliness long enough to meet a man by the name of Luke Darius. A horrible womanizing shady wretch, that quite easily became one of my greatest friends. He kept me safe and helped me get to the people I needed to speak with to remove this curse I put upon myself.
I didnt sleep tonight.. Tomorrow is the day. Tomorrow I will come to know my own arm and relinquish myself of the transformation I took on nearly five years ago. Its difficult to imagine the forgiveness of Ilmater, considering the implications of my condition. I've spent most of my life causing more suffering than I can ever outweigh in the time I have left.. It is an impossible endeavor, but I'm willing to pay in to a debt without a gold coin to my name. Let my sweat and blood be my tender, and let my actions be my words.
I think about failure constantly, in the process of beginning anew again. But effort and opportunity are so akin to success that the two could be related. I'm prepared to try knowing fully that success is not immortal. On a long enough timeline everyone fails..
I need to be focused. Fail and fail again, if it means building half of what I set out to. The scaffolding of our greatest attempts are more powerful than the monuments we never tried to build. So I will try.. Knowing I will be on my own in this. While I've come this far on the sweat of others, I find myself alone here more often than sometimes. But this time has given me more than a few days to reflect. Beyond the doubt, beyond the words of those who would set up barriers in my way.. I will not give up. I will be shamelessly optimistic, and endlessly grateful.
"I spent most of my time praying to you.. The last five years trapped in the undead body of my mistakes.."
"You gave me hope when I was forsaken by my own godess. Every night I prayed to you hoping you could give me an answer, a shred of wisdom.. A hint at a greater purpose.."
".............And so you did."
"I made a mistake this week. I sought out a dear friend to help me remove the graft so that you could hear me more clearly in my words. A sacrifice of a life I've led far longer than time should have allowed.
He cut off the graft. The women's arm I took from the amputations during the war. It was a terrible mistake. Not in the fact that it was removed, but in my underestimation of the weave that lied between it and my body.
The next few days I spent in agonizing pain in the church of Ilmater. The priests made it better at times, and worse when they would offer me Chicken Soup.. I cant stand the taste of chicken soup, but I'm glad they were there. It took my mind off the fact that I separated the graft.. And that the weave that allowed me to move the dead limb, was the same that allowed my heart to keep beating. I was suffering, in a way I never thought possible.. But I steered through the pain, and rid myself of doubt.
No pain is worse than the pain I put them through. I would weather the worst of it.
By the time Ameris arrived to the shrine I could barely walk. My dear friend Isabella stayed by my side through the entire night. She made sure I kept breathing while I slept.
The next morning I awoke to sight of her slumped over in her chair, looking worse than me. She hadnt slept, yet she greeted me with a warm smile. After a brief conversation I decided it was time to make my way out of bed.
I entered the next room over to get dressed. When I tried to cast a light spell, I was unable to.. I'm still uncertain how this came to be. There are a number of theories. My loss of blood and vitality could have damped my innate talents. The experience could have drained my down to my fundamental abilities. Or perhaps it was a test.. Very much of this is still new to me.
When I finally gathered myself in the dining hall, it was incredible. Everyone that I've known since I began this journy to attonment was gathered. There was Luke Darius, Salaria, Elyssa, Wendy, Isabella, and soon.. Ameris, the first man to give me a chance knowing what terrible crimes I have committed to myself and others.
We all began talking. First small talk, making conversation about anything but my condition. All of us discussed the plan to cure my undeath, and the innate dangers in doing so. When Ameris asked about how I've been holding on, I told him about the dream I've had since I've come south to the Sword Coast. He told me that is where my redemption must begin. I must immerse myself in it, and choose..
At first I was reluctant, I wasnt sure if I could survive entering such an awful place. For nearly the entire time I've traveled the sword coast, I have feared the reality of the dream. Even the possibility was enough to send chills through my blood. By the time I could begin protesting Elyssa suggested bringing in a priestess of Moonbow to connect with the world of dreams. Ameris agreed to the idea, and moments later I mustered up the courage to agree as well.
Then before we could set off, something strange happened. A chicken ran into the ilmater shrine.. The chicken ran about the shrine squaking while everyone stared at in in disbelief as it ran into the kitchen with the cooks. Miraculously the chicken disappeared. The cooks didn't touch it, some of them didn't even notice it. Ameris said Ilmater was closeby. The Crying God was with me that day.
One of the caretakers offered us chicken soup. Ameris quickly stood up and examined the brew. Something about that bowl caught his eye, he quickly told me to stand and come closer.
He said, "The chicken came, it was not slaughtered and now there is chicken soup."
As strange as it sounded I didn't fight him on how sure he was of this miracle. Was it more far fetched than a one armed frozen corpse asking for forgiveness?.. I've lived long enough to know too many choices can kill somebody. So on faith alone I tried the soup. The taste was the best chicken soup I have ever had, but my love for chicken soup is nearly non-existent. I took a sip, and could feel my lungs expanding again. With every morsel, I could feel the difference. My bones didnt ache anymore, my breathing felt natural again.. And then.. I felt a soothing warm light where my arm used to be. When I turned my eyes to the stump, it was gone. My arm my own again. My flesh, my bone, my memories.
With renewed vigor I was willing to prove my worth and face my nightmares. So we left, and traveled to Nashkel. I was unable to cast, but I felt as if my spirit was reborn. My body felt brittle and I couldnt use any of my abilities to protect myself.. Regarldess. We were determined to face my wrongs.
We traveled for miles...
We pressed on through the snow drifts, past the giants hurling boulders, and past the murderous yetis. I could feel the weave trained in my body through my most intense training coming back to me. Without thinking every creature that came to hurt my friends was exploded into a cloud of blood and ash. Most of it.. I dont remember. All I could think of was nightmare. The feeling of dread that overcame me with every step. The closer we came, the more I could feel my soul being pulled out by the icy maiden in the storms. Every step became hard labor as the winds picked up and pelted us with snow.
Finally.. We came to a stop.
My body began to fail me again, while my flesh began to freeze over with the same frost I mastered over the years. I fell to my knee, and a strange golden ring of light surrounded me.. The others backed away to safety. There was no telling what would happen next. I let the dream consume me, concentrating on it entirely. The priestess walked behind me and aided me. After that? I blacked out. Everyone did.
We awoke where I left my fears.. The nightmare.
All around us stood any icy hellscape with a sky of darkness, and endless storms. The rain mixed with the snow, as the drifts came up past our waists. I couldnt remember what any of them said, only that they were cold. The world was nearly exactly how I remembered it from the dreams.. All except there was snow instead of water.. And everyone I've come to care about was behind me.
It played out like it had for the years I've traveled the coast alone. I traveled for hours throughout the snow, and past the glaciers. All until.. I met.. Her.. And just like how I remembered..
I fell to my knee.
She referred to me by name.
I apologized for forsaking my godess..
She made me an offer to show me mercy in exchange for serving her as her soldier again..
And then I felt something aching at my heart. It was the burn of loyalty.. Attonment.. The need to make things right.
At this part of my dream I usually begged myself to say no. To for once decline the offer.. And on that day..
I did......
I told that worthless hateful frozen goddess I wouldn't serve her, not for a single day. The only time I would bow my head to her name would be out of shame.. And just as one should suspect..
She was furious..
She devastated the land, hurled glaciers at us, pelted the land with sheets of ice, and summoned colossal creatures made of ice and stone. Within the storm of this disaster, I found myself unable to speak, unable to move completely frozen in ice. My hands and feet were frozen solid, my head turned back looking to those who brought me this far. My eyes were frozen open to watch them be destroyed.
I didn't know what to do...
I had come too far to die here.. And if I died, what would happen to my friends.. So I did what I felt was right, I prayed to you.. And you heard me.
And in the turmoil a feeling I couldn't explain came over me.. It was as if without words, you told me to stand. I couldnt move, the ice was too thick and I had just recovered from near death, but then I felt as if I was being told to stand. So I did... And somehow I could. The ice broke off me as the weave filled my body again. I could feel the wisdom I lost returned to me as I brought justice to the elementals destroying those I've come to love. My spells felt stronger, more focused, more sincere than ever as I protected them.
The harder I fought the stronger I felt. My lungs expanded filling me with deep breaths and quick motions. My limbs no longer began to lumber. I felt alive again.. With each spell I cast I could feel the undeath leaving my body. I saw it flake away from me like embers from a fire; stripping away and whisking into the air never to be seen again. I recited your words, the oath.
By the end of it all I could feel my muscles ache and the exhaustion. We were safe again, and I was tired.. I collapsed and woke up in the arms of Isabella. As confused as I was, I was happy to be back in the world that I've come to hold so dearly. When I looked around I saw everyone who came with me, and everyone I have come to rely so heavily on. When I gained my barrings again I spoke to Ameris, and thanked him for all he had done for me. I told him what you, Mystra had done for me.. And how I am willing to dedicate my life as a soldier to your cause.
Seems it's been quite a while since I opened this old book. I've been so busy it's been difficult to sit down and dedicate the proper time for an entry. So much has come into my life where do I start?
