Edelran - Between Light and Shadow

[Edelran]

MUSIC: https://youtu.be/6vdK2JYL38w

Part One - Spark of Determination

I can still hear them screaming and cursing me, the night I failed them.
Their voices in my head are like knives, slowly piercing into my flesh.
I can feel the pain, but my sense of guilt wants that, so I accept it.

I spent years travelling, getting money in my pockets for meaningless tasks, trying to forget.
I spent years travelling, meeting and abandoning people, trying to forget.
I spent years travelling, keeping myself away and containing my urge to take the initiative, trying to forget.

But now, it is far too hard to stay away when hell itself pours onto the land.
I decided to join the Ebon Blade looking for money, reassured that I wouldn't have to murder innocents, but I still feel unconfortable.
I chose not to worry much about the devil invasion, since so much people seemed interested into it, but I was wrong.

"There is no plan" she said.
They are waiting for a slaughter, hoping for the best.
And the urge of doing, that is always inside me, hungers for action.
It is like I can't stand away watching, I have to take control and act.

But I am meaningless compared to anyone involved into all this...
"You are not." she said.
And I stood, a spark of determination moving my bones.

I know nothing except heists and fighting, but I can speak, I can take their knowledge ad skill to move the gears.

I am done keeping myself away.
I am done refusing my nature because of my previous mistakes.
I am done hoping for the best.

It is time for actions.

[Edelran]

MUSIC

Part Two - Moving through the gears.

I chose freedom over security.
I chose freedom over money.
I chose freedom over status.

I made this decision being well aware of the risks.
No allies to help me.
No place to go back to.
No certainty every time I open my eyes.

I tried staying with one faction, even if for a little time, but I feel it in me.
No organization is going to be the right fit for me. I can't stand long without making decisions for myself, a blessing and a curse, many could say.
But I feel this is the right decision to help stop this war.

Last time I took the reins I failed, they died or went to prison because of my own mistake.
I fear doing it again, surrounding myself with people that might do what I say, but it is just beyond me.
My nature is well known to me, like a caged best growling, that needs to get out.
I closed that beast myself but I cannot kill it.

I have a plan now, the Gods will tell if it is a good one or no.
Isabella used the words "fight the good fight" but I don't feel that is what I'm doing.
Maybe it's just the lack of direction that is making me move toward a solution.

I have a plan but I can't share it with anyone who is not trusted.

The beast growls.

If I end up dead I just have one wish, wherever I fall, I want to look at the sky.
No one will suffer my loss, I can at least die without thinking about who remains.

[Edelran]

MUSIC

Part Three - The Pieces of the Puzzle

It is slowly coming into shape.
Ideas meeting reality.
Reality bringing to more ideas.

I didn't expect to find approval so quickly, but it looks like that I'm not as crazy as I thought, or maybe we all are.
I need information, this plan can't start without the proper amount of knowledge.
I learned the basics of magic for the sake of this plan, something that I didn't think I would have ever done.

It felt wrong, doing what I'm doing without knowing magic.
Too many disadvantages.
It's incredibile how even simple spells can become extremely useful.

Now I'll have to wait for two core pieces of my plan to be sorted out.
After that I'll have to move the gears.
I will most likely meet a premature end.

I can't even explain the reason why I'm doing this to myself.
Why am I throwing my life like this?

Money? No, this plan will cost me too much money.
Fame? Yes, maybe, but there is a risk of many not seeing the good of it.
Heroism? No, never been a hero.

So what? It's almost like I'm looking for a complicated way to die.

Am I putting myself to the test?
Maybe I'm doing this seeking a solution to my sense of guilt.
But can I bear another failure?

No, I can't.

And this is why the only outcomes are victory, or death.

[Edelran]

=MUSIC=



Part Four - Stepping over the Void

I have set everything in place.
Expectations, allies, plans... secrets.
And now is up to me to put the pieces together and finish the puzzle.

What is driving me?
I spend so much time trying to be someone else, laying a mask on my face.
I forgot who I really am.
Why am I doing this?

I should be travelling away from here.
Away from the devils.
Away from the necromancers.
Away from death.
Yet I walk toward it, like a moth.

I should bring my friends away with me, out of this insane war.
Yet, even if I keep them unaware of my real self, I want them here.
Maybe this is the solution.

If I want to lead and finish something, I should keep the people I care about, out of it.
So they won't die, they won't hate me, so they will be there.
This is not me, I wasn't like this.

My father used to scream at me and beat me for being a coward, for not listening, for being useless.
And now, I'm walking toward death, like it's nothing... almost with pride.

No... it's not pride... it's... desire?
Do I want to die?
Maybe I want to die.

Maybe my father was right, I -am- a coward and this is not bravery, this is fear, fear of living.

What is done is done now, I have to carry on, somebody is waiting for me... my plan continues.

I can't even end my own life properly... I have to do it in the most complicated way...

Forgive me.

[Edelran]

=MUSIC=



Part Five - Troubled Mind

I am having nightmares again.
It is all coming back, slowly.
Exactly like when I escaped.

In this nightmare my hands are covered in blood.
No matter what I do, I can't wash it away.
Bodies around me, they have no face to recognize.

Somehow I feel that I killed them.
But I am not worried for that, I am worried about washing the blood away.
I feel no regret, just fear of anybody seeing it.

Wait, not anybody, just them.
My new friends.

I try so hard to appear as a decent person.
Putting that mask on.
The funny and a bit weird man.

But in reality I was... I still am... a murderer.
I still feel it in me, no matter how hard I try.
Some people I feel the urge to kill.

Cold, still and unmovable urge to end a life.

I thought that ended when my father died.
I thought that was him making me kill those people.
I thought I was better than that.

But in reality he was just growing something I had inside already.
That rage, the rage that never really left since they killed mother.
Father just gave me a target, but the rage was there in the beginning.

Maybe I'm not the right person, to start making plans and getting involved with important events.
Maybe I should give up, leave it to others, they seem to have all covered after all.
They have heroes, armies, holy orders... magi, everything.

I should just give up.