One Duty may have been fulfilled, but many have just began

[Hoihe]

Sitting beside one of the ruined structures of civiliziations gone by in the High Moors, Hoihe scribbles a new entry.

"It would seem my responsibilities are growing. With Mealir still on his well deserved break, I feel it will be a long time by the standards of this pocket of land until I have to give captain's hat back.

And so, I have a crew to satisfy. Jon Smythe, Drake Nair - both new comers and both eager.
And both quick to voice their displeasure.

To start with, let's take Drake. He complained to me about my actions during the grand battle, calling them reckless and selfish. Luckily, I managed to dissaude his fears by explaining that I always make sure the ship has able men to lead it despite what happens, except in this case all senior officers were injured or busy.

To make sure I do not forget it. I should really publicize it for the Wanderess come think of it. But here's the draft I have...

1. Mealir is at the top, as owner and of the Wanderess.
2. I follow right after him as the Senior Officer, Acting-Captain and Navigator
3. Soora follows after me as my First Mate. I admit to nepotism, but a first mate is ought to be someone you trust with your soul. I am teaching her the duties of a helmsman. She's already been taught navigation by Mealir and I.
4. Kurt follows right after as the helmsman. I feel his experience and empathy for the ship elect him for this position.
5. Merchant officer Drake would follow due to his understanding of the ship hold and our political relations. If Soora, Kurt and I are injured, I trust him to be able to commandeer the ship into safe harbour for us to rest. He needs training. Lots of training.
6. Lorrain would follow solely for his durability. That man is guaranteed to be standing even in the direst battle and his insight into matters certainly helps.
7. Afterwards, whoever has the most experience is to take over the ship and commandeer it into the nearest safe port until an eligible person has recovered or becomes available.

I also made sure to make him feel more important, for he is. Labelas spare me from having to deal with all the boring accounting involved in a quartermaster's and Merchant Officer's duties. I much prefer exotic mathematics that challenge the mind. Never the less, I ordered him to investigate the economic situation and discover what we may or may not import and export for a profit without damaging local markets.

Furthermore, I informed him of the smuggling deal I made. It may be a little underhanded, but when laws and policies do not support the needy, it is the duty of those able to take that burden. Once the war is over, with the winter on our necks, we'll hopefully turn the tide of suffering with untaxed medicine and fruits.

Hopefully that will keep him satisfied.

Jon Smythe is a strange deal. The lad is obviously thirsty for prestige. I will need to find a way to satisfy that need of his without risking the ship too much. Wintertime sailing should bring joy to his heart as but the bravest sailors dare to do so.

I have learned the hard way the dangers of it myself, almost losing Soora. I will ensure no such things will happen no matter the storm we'll brave. I now know what must be forbidden, and what must be demanded of the crew to ensure no losses beyond a few loose ropes and tears in the sail.

I also need to find him something to do like I did with Drake. I need to either arrange a meeting face to face or chance it upon Sehanine's will to find him on my own. Bloody elusive lad he is.

But I've other responsibilities than those of a captain. It seems I have became a full-fledged member of the War Council and the logistics of proper troop deployment and supply shipping fall on to me. We're pretty lucky we're right beside the Chiontar and not some tiny river, even this one had me full of goosebumps the first voyage I led up its course,

And also, religious ones I attend at this very moment. I managed to get myself the Sehaninite church's approval in my search for old elven histories and relics. The High Moors really are a goldmine if you know where to look. Not once did I uncover a nice sculpture by digging diligently for a few days beside a broken pillar.

With that, I should go and check how the stew is looking then get back to my excavations once I had dinner. I heard tell of a rather fine statuette that's supposed to be somewhere around here, unless I read the inscriptions wrong.

[Hoihe]

Hoiha seats herself in the tower of Doron Amar, and scribbles down a song after some thought.



"Erevan, you devious devil.
On my misfortune you must revel
Truly a prank befit our heart
It looks it's my turn now to play the part.

An act it was for Her heart before
Clothes of the fairer one in the drawer
Are to fit me proper and true now
Explain it to Her I will, how?

Am I to tell her my Duty led me here?
That in my curiousity I crossed the weir?
Excavating treasured lands of my kin
Erevan, lord of jokes, found a reason to grin

Finding his old treasures, lost in the mud
Hanali's and Erevan's tale of ages of bud
Were told in carvings I viewed
A prank truly rude.

He took her Children, lovers both
Took it upon himself to test their troth
A tale whose end was lost to ages of time
I grieve that it was carved on a stone of lime.

I wish to know the end of that tale,
If the man has returned to male
Or forever was stuck with dresses
I have but countless guesses

To know how his sweetheart reacted
Whether she found her passion retracted
Or rather she found it cool, and taught
her love many new dances of knot.

How will Soora react is what I wish to know
To learn it causes her discomfort would blow
But to learn she finds it fascinating would be
At least, a grand relief for me.

She saw me in a dress in days of yore
And told me my sight certainly wasn't a bore.
Perhaps she finds me still a sight to see
And I won't have to hurry with the curing-spree.

But to cure it I will, mark my words my egret.
Unless of course, losing this form you would regret.
In that case my heart is yours,
And this form will remain, for us, for countless years.

Should you find it difficult to respond
With the dances Nëa is known to be fond
I will calm you, and reassure your heart
That I will fix it in but years with the Art.

For there to be joke, let it be official
the snowflakes gained a new addition
For Nëa said that one must be a woman
And it seems, that I am no man."

[Hoihe]

"A Dacino is defined by his Duty
A Duty that never ends
He will make amends Duly,
But to give up, he shall never

A Dacino is defined by Determination
A drive to accomplish fate itself
Love shall never reach Termination
That he will prevent

A Dacino fights for what is his Heart
A fight noble, and willing to learn
He will learn wahtever Art
his love requires

A Dacino will make amends
For he is not blind
But his amends need guideance
He shall never give up

Harken to me, my Egret
Remember our many dances
Do not do anything we will regret
I am sure you won't, for I know you well

Even if it takes me many a century,
I shall my my amends
But I wish to make them as fast as possible
So the natural order may return"

[Hoihe]

"Hanali, I beseech you -
guide me and Soora!
With what have I stepped to the side?
With what can I return to the right path?
I beg of you to answer.

Soora is my very essence.
Without her, I am nothing.
Before I had met her,
I was ready to die.

It was only by her hand,
my love for her,
a love unending
that I came to enjoy life
on this wretched plane
once more.

There is only one thing now
That would make me accept Arvandor's call
And not the call of my friends should I die -
If she herself ventured forth,
and I wanted to join her.

If she were killed,
I would go to world's end to bring her back.
If such i could not,
I would become the elven Slayer, like the dwarves deep
and with destruction befit Aerdrie's greatest wrath I'd join her as soon as I could.

So what am I to do now?
That our love is in jeopardy?
Such is impossible, truly!
You have given me the sign that it is not of this life,
but of previous as well!

Truly this is but a warning
And not a true sign of possible loss
Such would break
all
prophecies
...told before.

She told me yes!
She told me that she was still mad!
But she told me that I need to be guarded
Truly - she does not mean it, does she?
She means it so that I take it seriously!

I take it seriously even without
Please believe me!
Hanali - open the path, show it to me, guide me!
I beg you
I beseech you
I need no more joy in life
But to be at Soora's side.

Take my sword!
My gold
My ship!
Take it all!
Just give me the way.

This cannot end
Such is foolishness!
There is a reason all
I loved before died!
We are meant to be,
and I was foolish.

It was my fault they fell,
For I went to them and
knelt.

But I know for fact it is Soora!
There is no other way I would have
What luck I have.
She is stronger than I
Much more powerful.
Although I claim to protect her,
she protects me!

It is only how the Flute could have worked
No other way.

It is the only way,
No other way.
To be together -
I will strive for it."

[Hoihe]

"Would it have been better, if I had not sought her out? If I had not hounded her, would we have forgiven each other already? Why am I such a fool, and not allowed her to seek me out first after so?

And damn you fools, all of you, for misunderstanding her statements! Damn you all, for seeing apathy in what is a sign of Hanali's truest blessings! But unlike you fools, that statement is why I will not give up!

Ah, if only I could turn back time but by a little less than a day! Labelas, wouldn't you allow me such, so that I can avoid going to the giant foothills?"

[Hoihe]

"She said I am becoming much like her... but isn't she becoming like me as well?

Dresses, shadowdancing and being a woman she cited. Also I bet my fighting style and archery.

But she's became a powerful mage like I was, fights up front like I did, fights with a shield to protect me like I protected her before with my own magical shields. And she's as reckless as I am, teleporting on the enemy ship to blow it up.

It is the natural process of such, for two to reflect on each other. No?

I wish there was a cleric of Hanali with whom I could discuss."

[Hoihe]

"Not a cleric of Hanali, but just as good.

I have spoken with Mendel and he highly doubts Soora could ever mean what she said honestly. This is a relief. However, he did warn me she said it for a reason, for me to realize my mistake, as I refused to listen.

For that reason he suggested I wait a few days, maybe a tenday, then seek out Soora or allow her to do so and then just listen, not ask for anything.

This still etches at me."

[Hoihe]

"Having spoken with Ameris and Mendel, it seems, to record what I have been told:

A lot of burden is on Soora, I should do my best to ensure she isn't encumbered. This I can achieve by making sure I do not get injured, and by not saddling Soora with more and more changes in a short period of time.

Soora is afraid for my identity. I must prove her that I do what I do not because I want to align, but because it aligns with my already practiced deeds. Meaning, I must prove her I work for Sehanine and wish to rebuild my presence in Candlekeep, amongst other things, not to appease others but because I find it right.

I cannot do much about the way people talk to me, beyond make a firm stand and correct them. Although I can ignore their insults, unless they insult my elven purity, Soora finds most of them apply to her as well. Mustn't let people to tell me to "unfix" myself.

Soora cannot have meant what she said honestly. However, she knows me well enough to know I will not listen unless I'm shaken awake violently. She said what she did so I woke up.

I must not beg forgiveness or imply Soora would leave me when we meet again, nor should I demand her to show me the way or teach me. Instead, I must listen and understand, not interject or act as if I knew better but to listen and contemplate on what she tells me.

Soora does not mind what I am, but she does mind if I am unhappy. I must prove to her that my identity is the same, whether a man or a woman. I might also have to choose to be Hoihe or Hoiha, not Hoiha wanting to be Hoihe.

The above would have sounded easier if I had been asked earlier, but between being afraid that turning back might make turning into a full blooded elf more difficult due to density of changes done unto me and finding that people are quicker to see me as a full blooded elf this way, even full blooded elves... it is harder to decide, to act decisively and swiftly. After all, I promised her to stay safe, and I cannot put my safety to jeopardy in a hasty attempt to turn back and end up as some kind of abomination I would be stuck as, due to the permanent and wild nature of this kind of magic.

I am also to discuss with Aeili about magic, and it seems fate couldn't be more loud regarding Laitae and Candlekeep as yet again I ran into her. She is the Guide... one wonders if I had proposed to start over as an Acolyte, she would be more keen to accept me as her kin."

[Hoihe]

A poem written purely in elven

I have been shaken awake

Code: Select all

I have been shaken awake
    It wasn't pleasant
I have spent too long asleep
    Almost lost my fire

Too focused on my self
    I was, and I am sorry
A beacon of light for others I must be
    I was, and shall be

You stand the highest
    You deserve it, and much more
I'll make it more, stand the shortest tall
    So where you'll be will truly be worth of envy

For when all are glad
    Being happy is easy
For when the saddest is happy too
    Being happiest means a whole another world.

You shall be the happiest
    On my Duty, this I swear
I'll be the beacon of hope I was
    Before I crew complacent and selfish."

[/i]

[Hoihe]

To Soora

A poem written in elven, with but a single draconic phrase

"My snow-white egret
I must say that I regret
that I didn't listen to your soft words
That you had to slam hard and stir the birds

I understand you worry for me
What meaning in your words be
We're elves both, of slow and deliberate grace
Yet as of late life felt like a furious race

I see now what you wanted
Or, at least, suspect in what we bonded
Indeed you do not mind me being a lass
Rather you forry for my /self/, if it still holds brass

I assure you, it does. Whatever the body be.
Beneath there can be only me
My identity survived for three decades trapped
I don't even know, if its freedom is now grabbed

To be a man or awoman - it doesn't matter to me
But to be elven - in /this/ lifetime - I want to see
Still I wonder, do you wish me to choose?
To settle on one, knowing there is nothing to lose?

Curiousity is part reason answering is difficult
Such experiences! Dangerous, yet given to me without accidents to cull
My promise to you is the flagship of our woes really
To stay I cannot act hastily.

I rather stay woman
Than return to being human
I'd rather be but man's rhyme
than to give up on being elven in this lifetime

If you wish me to embrace an identity
Isn't ferrod jatil be here already?
For me to embrac ethe now,
until a cure is found, or my curiousity bowed

Pride and courage
Snide words and sewage
Invincible and blinding
Strength silences the ill-minding

Danger on my mantle I bear
I do it riding the silver mare
I ride so - I ride so the land can be pretty
So that we can be merry

Lo and behold!
See the lillies the valleys hold
Watch as in ashes life takes hold
Behold as together we cast away the mold!"

((Ferrod Jatil - The golden mean))

[Hoihe]

A poem written in common, with an elven translation

Moment please!

"Oh powers that be!
We need a moment's rest, don't we?
So much, so fast
It makes you wonder what of it will last

We demand rest
Indeed we dare demand from fate, for we seized the crest
We need to adjust
So we can learn what was just

We demand visions!
Of beautiful future, summer seasons
To see the old
We require, even in the new.

[Hoihe]

A poem, written in common once more, although with an elven translation afterwards

Why do we fight?

"In my homeland, there lives a wise man
Tyressen is his name, from a simple life he ran
He's not a poet nor a scholar, but an oridinary fellow
If fate had been different, he'd be sitting at home eating tallow

Why do I speak of this stranger?
Why is it I trouble you with a distant ranger?
It's not because of him - but what he said

It was a truth, a cold hard truth, truly sad.

Why do we fight?! - he asked the gods
What makes us different from those we quell? - he demanded an answer
So he began to think. Not with scholar's or poet's mind
He thought with a practical mind, forged in battles' bind

So that others' needn't.
It's that simple
We fight not because we enjoy it
But to keep others dreams and innocence fit

We can't say the same - we didn't have the choice
We had to graps the buoys
We had to stay afloat

Even without a boat

So why do /we/ fight?
Why did we carry the light?
Why did we have to trudge knee deep in the bodies?
Why did we choke ourselves to near death with a bodice?

Life is beautiful.
Is it not?
Spring comes soon



Life allows us to love,
so love!
Your families, mates and neighbours



Stick together!
We fought for the chance
Let's not waste it

So what would have Tyressen said?
'We fight, so we can remain together.'
With time, our wounds will heal
And the lillies will bloom from the ashes of destruction."

[Hoihe]

Another poem, written in elven but with a translation in common

The Age of Changes

"Life has not been easy of late
It wasn't
So many changes! Can we keep up with fate?
We can't

Nothing is like it used to be
Are we certain?
Destruction! Death! Loss!
We almost are

We have to remember what we fought for
Was it worth it?
We live! We can rebuild, return to the old ways improve upon them!
I say it was

We need a balance in our lives, a stability
Indeed
Now the war is over and towards peace we drift
We can rest."

[Hoihe]

A poem in common. It has no elven translations.

Sing with me

Harken now! Sons and daughters of Baldur!
Gather, gather and behold this song of joy

Look around! See the rubble and ruin around you?

Gather, gather and behold the potential of it all

Imagine thus! What vistae can we build from the ashes?

Gather, gather and dare to dream, to have vision!

Declare bravely, your wildest dreams and wishes!

Gather, gather and remember your joys

Remember aloud! Why have you fought so bravely?

Gather, gather your portraits and still lives

Dare unhindered! Dare to improve upon them all

Gather, gather and sing with me

Sing! Behold your power to outlast the tireless

Gather, gather it all and use it to build a city your ancestors would envy!

[Hoihe]

Hoihe sits down on the ground just in front of Hanali's shrine in the temple of Rillifane Rallathil in the northern elven village, quill and journal in hands. The journal lies flat in her hands, open to anyone who would wish to spy on the pages yet to be written, as if offering it to Hanali herself.

"My, it has been a fair while since I have made an actual, collected and proper entry. Either I was assailed by emotions fierce, or didn't have much to write - months in fact! Short in an elven lifetime but long when you have only lived a mere thirty years so far, even longer if you call your home the Sword Coast.

So where do I begin? There's obviously an issue I have been avoiding writing about eversince it happened save for poems and allusions, the issue of what happened to me. I did not write about it due to not having time, but rather out of fear. I did not want to think about it - I had enough to worry about. First the war, now Soora and my magic studies. However, I feel it is high time I confront these demons.

What happened, then? I was out in the High Moors excavating minor, mundane relics of days bygone, armed at most with preservative enchantments. Eventually I caught wind of a peculiar dedication to Erevan and found myself hunting after its remnants. Indeed I found them, but ruined and broken. As I went about properly making an impression of it using my alchemical concotions I seemed to have set of some kind of contignency spell, a trap, which resulted in my current condition.

It was a painful thing. Bloody damn painful. Imagine being zapped by lightning, then your very flesh and guts boiling and seizing upon themselves - finally, your bones themselves crack and shatter as they meet the demands of their new expected form. Not exactly a common effect of transmutations, I'll give you that. Indeed, according to my researches only those transmutations that affect your core should result in physical pain, or malfunctioning ones.

Indeed it has affected my core for it is bloody permanent. I went about it the scholastic way - Wait a little, see if it fades. Nothing. Cast Remove Curse from a scroll - nothing. Hunt down and dance with a beholder - nothing. Just confirmed my hypothesis to be true. In essence, I am stuck as I am until I - or a sufficiently skilled transmuter or someone with more than dabbling experience in this artful field puts together a ritual and finds enough supporting mages in attendance to safely transform me back to my male form.

It all would have been somewhat easier if I did not have to clamour for survival. This body is, or at least was highly alien. With such a demanding fighting style as mine, the smallest of difference in my balance was amplified manyfold and I found myself unable to even meet the might of the plain hobgoblin raiders of the High Moors, much less actual threats to my own well being. Indeed, I spent many tireless days come my transformation and its permanence's confirmation on turning the transnatural into natural. I can only wonder how alien a male body will be the longer I spend this way, with just how intensively I work to naturalize my a qualities. I guess at least I'll be able to shoot a bow accurately even when wearing a bulky plate armour.

This does bring me to a number of my worries. First off, I have never done ample research on chaining multiple transmutations in a row. To further increase the situation's elusiveness the way the Flute worked is not fully understood, and likely will never be. Thus, I do not know just how much did it tax my being which, instead of being given rest, was taxed further by turning into a form even more alien than my physical form at birth. Indeed, I doubt becoming of elven blood was alien for my soul at least, but my body? Most certainly. It makes me wonder if a transmutation now to being male again could jeopardize one final transformation into a full-fledged moon elf, for that is my goal in the end - so long I have human blood, I have this feeling I cannot scratch. Although, with my thorough integration into both En Dharasha Everae, Doron Amar, Soora's aid and the white hair and small stature I was blessed with, this itch can barely be felt at this time, but I am sure if left unattended it will drive me mad. And as a previous poem of mine has stated, I would rather stay as I am now than to return to how I was and risk losing the ability to safely solve the root of the issue.

Thankfully, Soora is truly an elven lady. She loves me not for what I am, but for who I am. My soul, my being. Thus, even if I was cursed with the smelly and hairy body of a dwarf, she'd still see me as 'the' Hoihe she knows, and she'd treat me the same. Thus, my form is not a worry in this aspect at least. Although Desrah keeps, or at least kept until I requested her to stop, making comments about our inability to produce offspring, I do not truly feel comfortable even thinking of such until the full-blooded elven nature of such is guaranteed. I cannot find the cruelty within myself to subject another to the fate oh so cruel of not knowing where to belong.

So what is it like - being a woman? I am asked this question a lot and often I do not give an honest answer. Why? Rarely is it asked in an appropriate setting, instead in a crowd and I already feel embarrased enough having it thrown around, much less go into detail. Even on this piece of paper, one that is only visible to me and perhaps Soora, and of course the Seldarine, I fear putting full details out of embarrasment.

The height is not much issue, I am barely shorter. I already became incredibly short compared to my former giantness when I became elven, and there's little to no sexual dimorphism amongst the fair folk.

The weight? Well, I have certainly lost a number of what little muscle mass I have regained since Soora started coaching me into training more. I am not weak per say, indeed, I am stronger than the average human man even, but I certainly feel smaller in this regard. Last I went to scale my weight, I found myself to be a shy hundred pounds, half of the man I was as human.

As for the other things? I adapted. I adapted because there's a bloody war that needed winning, and I had to survive because I promised Soora to live. And survive I did by adaption.

There are certain aspects I cannot truly get used to through sheer determination and endless effort - treatment by others. Just no way I can train for it. It's not always bad, like when the knight knelt and kissed my hand in greeting instead of merely saluting me, or when Ameris or Herran insist on opening the door for me, even knowing who I am, the action so ingrained in them. And then there's the lecherous types - Luke and the Dariuses are somewhat acceptable, they know when they have to stop but some... by Erevan, I wish they had suffered my fate!

And finally one side effect I did not expect. Although Soora truly loves me, she is strained by how I am treated, by my own unease. This in itself would not be a major problem as given time, it would have dissipated and we would have adapted. However, the Undead war has put its toll on her, and her stability was ripped out from beneath her feet. Although I did my best to provide it, my own worries reflected on her. Now pile on this the fact that Magmire had elven lieutenants and the risky missions I involved myself in and the glass overflowed.

Indeed, I was foolish. Instead of allowing her rest and listening to her, I suddenly had worry overtake me and I just put the heaviest saddle on her and expected her to carry more weight than even the elephants of Calimshan can bear. I had pushed her so far that she had to take drastic measures to stop me and make me realize my folly and make me realize that even if we are bound by Fate, we might still end up living apart.

And so we have been apart since a little more than a tenday, enough for an elf to have to reverie and be reminded of great memories so I pray that she soon returns and allows me to make amends for my follies.

Ah my follies, such a long list!

She needs stability and she worries for my well being. I need to do something about my form, to choose to remain this way for the coming future or to strive for the old as soon as possible. She won't mind either way, according to Ameris and Mendel, but she wants /something/ instead of the nothing I am at the moment. And should circumnstances make me choose the new over the old, I will need to develop my own style and method instead of copying hers. Although fun for a prank to appear as if twins, it still makes her worry if she impacts upon me too much.

I need to realize I need to listen. A difficult thing, although I can see the logic behind it as explained by Mendel and Ameris, I find inaction difficult to do. I must offer a solution, shouldn't I? Well, apparently a solution can often just be a tight hug and an open ear lent. This I myself realized when I learned Laitae is still mad at me, and my emotions overcame me despite my stiff upper lip. Medune, you blessed lad.

I need to realize that my reputation also reflects on hers, with us being bonded so by Fate, word and hand. Thus I must prove to people her Truth, and not her Apathy, and I must prove to people I am just as competent as I am and not /fixed/ like some animal would be.

Furthermore, I must prove to her the choices I make and made are due to myself, and not due to trying to appease some god or something. Amazingly, this is something I ended up giving advice regarding, as Aeili feared the very same thing Soora fears - that Charraj only believes so fervently in Mystra due to her, and not because he feels so himself. Thus, Soora likely worries I prank with joy and wear dresses without fear because of her, and not because I enjoy so. Although I admit she has led me to both, it was more of an awakening than a re-education.


And fate, as contrived as you are, despite my plans to sit without magic for decades, I wound up learning the Art again! Although originally inspired by my misinterpretation of Soora's wishes, soon I found great joy in working with the transmundane. This must be what Soora meant, what my last paragraph describes. I doubt many would understand the primal enjoyment as you put the very fabric of reality into comprehensible text anyone can read!

Well, not anyone. As a sorcerer, I relied on my own intuition and cantrips to write and read magic. Now, I need to make do with what instinct I have as an elf, tainted by human blood as it is, and so I need to learn. But learn I will! At the very least, it distracts me and my subconcious shall work on accepting the current realities even more.

To end with a prayer, Hanali and Sehanine! If I had learned correctly - please guide fate so that I may meet with the snowflake-covered egret again, so that regrets can be undone and happines unbound! If I still have much to learn, but on the right path, please do alike - but if I am utterly wrong, I beg of you to prepare me so that I harm her not needlessly, nor ever - make it so that when we meet it will be when I shall bring her joy - or the prospect of such."