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Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Thu Dec 24, 2020 8:59 pm
by kitteninablender
As the Serpent awoke and twisted from the depths
I turned to the All-Father...and across his face, a smile Crept
"Did you really think it was by ACCIDENT I brought YOU along, Salim..?"
I knew at first you were not what you seemed.
You enjoy my pranks too much. They made you laugh until you choked...""
"Clever Clever, child Salim..."
"You stand now...before LOKE!!"
"Deceiver!! Shapeshifter! You used me like a Tool!""
"Not hard to do. Considering your Tarot Card is The Fool..."
"But why oh why would you ever need me!?"
"Because YOU are the one listed in Prophecy..."
"I do not understand, Father of the Snake?"
"Then allow me to explain, you ignorant Flake.."
Jormungandr was banished to the dark of the deep
until the end of time, where he is forced into Eternal Sleep
Much like the Old One Dagon, and the Elder God Cthulhu..
He was doomed to stay asleep...until along came YOU!
Your Far Realm Blood, it's like smelling salts for Aberrations...
It wakes them from their sleep, prematurely, by GENERATIONS..
The reason for this is that their hunger is resplendent...
And never quite as voracious...
as it is for their DESCENDANTS!!"
"Lies!! Deception!! This game is no longer fun!!"
"Surprise, Salim...
"You are my Great-Great-Grandson!!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Fri Dec 25, 2020 10:22 pm
by kitteninablender
"Lies. I am not your kin!! You have no proof!"
"Oh, Salim, if only you knew the Truth..."
"And why would I believe you, you are the God of Lies and Deception!"
"Yes I am. But I also arranged your conception.
I arranged everything. I've engineered your entire Fate.
I engineered your mother's infection..so that you would Mutate."
"Think of it, Salim, how could you NOT be mine?
Your constant urge for mischief ALL THE TIME?
Your endless need to disrupt, and project constant Entropy...
..did you really think that could come from anyone else but ME!?
Your powers to SHAPESHIFT. Your mastery of Magic, and FIRE
It all comes from LOKE!!! CALL ME A LIAR!!!"
"I...somehow feel...that your words are True..."
"Did you really think GOND wants a freak like YOU!?
You are MINE!! And the fate for you I have Woven...
Is to UNMAKE THE WORLD!! BY MY SIDE--
AS MY CHOSEN!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Sat Dec 26, 2020 12:12 pm
by kitteninablender
"A Chosen of Loke?"
"Not a bad deal, I'd say!
Now come, Salim, and help me Unmake all Days."
"I want my own Kingdom! With a castle just to hold my wine!!
I want Golden Chariots and THOUSANDS of Concubines!!
I want slaves and servants, and to rule with incontinence!"
"My dear boy, I'll give you the whole gods-be-damned CONTINENT."
"The whole damn Continent! Surely, no way!?"
"I'll even let you have your fun...and ERADICATE THAY."
"My Christmas present is to destroy the Reds!?"
"Every single last one. Leave them ALL Dead.
Lock up Szass Tam, put that Skeleton back in the Closet..
Put Dimitra Flass into a Whiskey Flask, then go the window and TOSS IT!!"
"But...I would rule only over an Empire of Ash.."
"As opposed to the dumpster fire it is now, the heaping pile of trash?"
"You make a good point, Oh God of Deception.."
"I am not without Wisdom or without Direction."
"But...aren't you going to feed me to this giant snake!?"
"Not at all, my boy. He only needed you to wake.
He needed to catch your scent. To be stirred from his slumber
He's now ready to DESTROY. And wreak havoc, and plunder."
"Speaking of plunder I'm curious by the way...
How did you come across this sack? And come across this sleigh?"
"Every 9 years does Annam All-Father take his rest
For 9 whole days, he stays cocooned within the World-Tree's nest
He regains his strength and draws power from Ygdrassil's Roots
Then visits Twin Sister Valkyrie...then spends 9 days Knocking Boots...
So while the old man was busy with Brunhildegarde and Skol...
I made my way into his treasury. And his bag and Sleigh...I stole!!!"
"I ask one final thing before I agree to aid..."
"Name it, old boy!! Then we can start the raids!"
"The Bag and the Sleigh. Give them to ME.
They are now MINE to own. To do with as I PLEASE."
The Trickster God smiled, a wicked grin I can't explain
As he handed me the Bag. And then handed me the Reigns.
I leaned back, admiring my new toys
All the power I could ever want. I was filled with such Joy.
"Twenty-Four Hours I ask, oh Trickster. To learn my new Abilities.
Then we can wreak havoc and show Mankind their Fragility..."
The Trickster smiled the smile of a wicked dark Fae.
"I've waited a Thousand years, Salim...
"..What's one more day?"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 7:52 am
by kitteninablender
The sack and sleigh were MINE
It was time to have FUN!
So I grabbed the Reigns, and I headed towards the Sun
As I broke the waves the Sharks transformed back into Deer
And a wicked smile danced upon my face, a terrible sneer
As I sat back with a grin in my sleigh..
I turned it around. And pointed it towards THAY..
And when the Thaymount soon was near..
I looked to the Magetowers of the Eight Zulkiir...
And as they stood there, frozen, as all time stood Still..
I screamed "It's your old pal, Salim!!! LET'S PLAY KING OF THE HILL!!"
I started dropping Bombs. Of all shapes, and sizes!!
Acid Bombs! Grease Bombs!! And lots of other surprises!!
As I dropped them off the sled, of course, they froze to a crawl.
Until I had unloaded THOUSANDS of bombs...and watched them all fall..
And then when Time unfroze, of course, there was soon great commotion..
As the Thaymount has wracked...with THOUSANDS of EXPLOSIONS...
People were screaming. Yelling in Fear.
The Zulkiirs were panicking, and soon it was clear...
..that Chaos and Ruin befell those I hate...
So of course I said: "Man, that was Fun. Now off to Baldur's Gate!!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 8:17 am
by kitteninablender
Next I flew over the Castle of the Flaming Fist
The people who had beaten me for trying to help...so of course I was pissed.
I flew down to Jim Norton, who was frozen in place
Reached up, grabbed his moustache.......and TORE IT OFF HIS FACE.
I poured itching powder down his armor. But oh no, that wasn't all...
I drew a Netherese Blast-Rune on his armor..,right next to his BALLS...
I flew off, unfroze time, and then I watched laughing
As Captain Jim Norton started screaming and then started scratching!!
And then he touched the Blast-Rune...and it started Flashing...
He looked down long enough to scream in a panic..
Trying to rip his armor off, but with no time to plan it..
"So long Captain Norton!" I screamed, "It was nice Knowing!"
"I always knew you were too incompetent..to know if you were coming or going!!"
**BOOOM!!!**
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Sun Dec 27, 2020 11:39 am
by kitteninablender
But I wasn't done. Oh no, not by Far...
My next stop was to see General Scar
He had insulted me once. The man made me SICK!!
So I stuck Sovereign Glue---
-- to the soles of his shoes---
...and then replaced Scar's Cigar with a DYNAMITE STICK!!
Then I stopped by the Enclave. It was time for a REAL Treat...
..cuz what I was about to do to THEM was an incredible Feat..
As time stood still I got to work on something most wretched
As the seconds were diluted, and the minutes were stretched..
When I was finally done I turned to the Enclave
The building of Tyrants..that had tried to make me a Slave.
With a wicked grin upon my countenance,
Like the mad giggle of a Clown...
..I started to laugh...
...and then began to COUNT DOWN.
And when the count reached Zero I screamed:
"SAY HELLO TO SELUNE!"
I lined the Enclave with ROCKETS!!!
AND SENT THEM TO THE MOON!!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 10:52 am
by kitteninablender
As the Enclave Flew off, I took a small stroll...
"If they wanna find any Reds in Baldur's Gate now...they'll have to call Mission Control..."
When before me stood the All-Father. With a look as cold as ice.
"Try again, Loke. You won't fool me with that trick twice!"
"Give me back my bag!! Give me back my Sleigh!!
Give me one reason NOT to destroy you, you ignorant Knave!"
"Haha, Loke. Now drop the act.
A Trickster using the same trick twice? My Gods, you lack tact.."
"I am the TRUE All-father, you Degenerate! I've awoken from my sleep!
To find the Serpent's been awakened!! And my sleigh absconded by some...CREEP!"
"Not I, All-Father! Twas Loke that stole your stuff!?"
"And yet now YOU hold them. When will the chaos be enough!?"
"I took the bag and the sleigh, so that I could have some fun!
But I also took them to get them AWAY FROM YOUR SON!"
"I am the Knower-of-all-Tales, and I know you speak True.
But with the chaos you've wrought...what should I do with YOU!?"
"Why waste your time with me? You've bigger Snakes to Fry!!
Here's your bag and your sleigh. Get to it, One-Eye!!"
"I lack the strength. I've not yet fully recovered.
Which is why Loke acted now, so he would not be discovered.
While I was sleeping, Loke was invisible to my Clairvoyance..
And then he raided my treasury. Much to my ANNOYANCE.."
"No, dear Salim...
..while I stirred, and I dreamed...
..I saw the End of Days, I saw my last breath...
..I saw the End of the World. I saw my own Death..."
"Hey, that's beyond me. I'm just a mere mortal Man.
You're the GOD. You can do so much more than I can!"
"Mortal Men have the power to change all the World
Every last one of you. Every single boy and girl.
Mortal Men and women have defeated GODS before...
And will again, in the Future. Though I can say no more..."
"I"m just a Wizard!! And not even a great one at that!!
I'm Old! And Slow!! And a drunk!! And FAT!!!
I tinker with Toys, not unlike one of your Elves!!
But if kids play with MY toys, they might KILL THEMSELVES!!"
"The World NEEDS YOU Salim. I'm too weak to use the Sleigh.."
"Not my fault you spent nine days getting LAID!!"
"Another Deception, a Lie that he Spoke...
Not surprising, considering that it came from Loke...
For nine days I recharge, I draw power from the Tree..
Then for Nine MORE days, I must stare into the Future, to see Eternity...
Every Nine Years I must take this brief "Vacation"
To renew my Powers, so that I may keep my Station.
That is the Pact I made, my agreement with THE NORN
The Bargain I made before your world was ever even Born...
I gave my eye to see the future. That was the Agreement."
"Just like most women. They take a part of you for their appeasement..."
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 3:45 pm
by kitteninablender
"What would you have ME do!? Fight the Trickster AND the Snake!?"
"Not alone. And Not unarmed. That would be a Mistake."
"NO SH-T, GENIUS!! Call someone with a Heart!!
Call the Silver Rose, or the Ilmateri, or even the Radiant SHARTS!!
Not me! No way!! I stand NO CHANCE against giant Serpent nor GOD!!
And you would have me fight BOTH!? F-CK OFF, YOU CRAZY SOD!!"
"If you don't, Salim, it will mean the death of all others..."
"So what? If this world's screwed, I'll just find ANOTHER!!"
"You think the destruction would stop with THIS World, Salim?
Good gods your APATHY is the WORST I'VE EVER SEEN!
Countless worlds. Countless realities!! Infinite Truths abound!!
And if the World Tree should fall...they will ALL come down!"
"So let the world Burn!! I don't give a Sh-t!!
What's this world ever done for ME that I should save IT!?"
"Do you not now have a Family? Not have a home?"
"Please. They only took me in because Candlekeep wanted me Gone.
They threw me aside. "Cause 'Salim's crazy! His jokes make me Cringe!"
There's a reason the past two YEARS have been a continuous BINGE.
So to HELL WITH THIS PLANE!! And all the people on it!!
Let the Snake sink it ALL!! The whole place makes me VOMIT!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 4:21 pm
by kitteninablender
"Are you truly so angry? So full of Hate?
That you would abandon the Nine Worlds to their fate?"
"I was tricked. Deceived. Used at every turn.
From Angels. To Inevitables. And now that Loke bum!!"
No more! I'm done!! Burn the world AND the World-Tree!!
It should ALL BURN for what the World has done to ME!!"
"You really ARE a CHILD!! You care only for yourself!!
And your SELFISHNESS will be the end of Every Man, Dwarf, and Elf!!
So you've been tricked and deceived!? You are FAR FROM THE FIRST!!
So your life has been sh-t!? IT'S BEEN FAR FROM THE WORST!!
You do more in a day than most men ever dream!!
You warp space and Time, and can assume any form you've seen!!
And yet with all of your POWER, you still cannot find PEACE!!
And Thanks to your COWARDICE THE WORLD WILL CEASE!!"
"Find somebody else---"
"THERE IS NOBODY ELSE, YOU CREEP!!
ONLY YOUR BLOOD CAN PUT JORMUNGANDR TO SLEEP!!"
"But..my blood woke him up..."
"That is true. But your blood also keeps the Beast at Bay..."
"That's why Loke needs me...so the Beast will OBEY..."
"It follows you like a Dog, searching for its favorite snack..."
"And after Loke's done with Jormungandr...he'll use ME to put him back.."
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2020 9:41 pm
by kitteninablender
"Indeed. Everything that he has promised you..
Once again, Salim, you're only being USED."
"What else is new? That's what Gods do.
Even now you're getting me to do your dirty work for you.."
"Believe me when I say there many I would take over you.."
But with your unique Blood I'm afraid you'll have to do.."
"Am I truly one of Loke's descendants?"
"You are. That's why he's so dependent."
"It makes so much sense. My entire life is nothing but a ruse."
"No, Salim. You still have the power to choose."
"Choose what? Oblivion? Or being eaten by a Serpent!?
They're both SH-T DECISIONS, if you've not been OBSERVANT!?
"You give up so easily. You so quickly retreat.
You so quickly Surrender. And admit defeat."
"I"m not an ADVENTURER! I'm a bloody ENGINEER!
I don't fight!! All I do is make machines, and drink BEER!!
Even if my blood has a single drop of Loke's.
I'm a nothing. A nobody. Just a sad, lonely bloke.
Find another pawn, you one-eyed Old man!!"
"Don't you see, Salim!! This is PART OF LOKE'S PLAN!!
"Salim, everything, EVERYTHING, was part of an elaborate score...
The Malaugrym. The Angel. Alpha and Beta, and so much more..
It was all Loke's plan. To burden you with Affliction...
Megalomania. Self-Doubt. Self-Hatred. ADDICTION..
It's always been HIM! Every ounce of your hate...
For yourself. For the Thayans. And for Baldur's Gate...
He POISONED your mind with INSANITY.
It was ALL a scheme, SALIM!! TO DESTROY YOUR HUMANITY!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 8:34 pm
by kitteninablender
"Well guess what, Old-man!! I hate to say, it worked!!
Loke's plan was successful! I'm a hateful, selfish JERK!!
And I don't care about the world! It's a wretched hive of scum and villainy!!
And it's not worth saving! Even with this new Epiphany!!
Yeah, maybe Loke DIDarrange my anger! But it's no more synthetic!
I hate the people on this ROCK. They're all so selfish, and pathetic."
"And what of the children? The ones who have yet to grow to hate?
Would you deny them the chance to be better? Or leave them to their fate?
"I saw you in Heaven, Salim. I saw you playing with those kids
So if you tell me you care NOTHING for children..I will know that you Fib.
You love children, Salim. And I know that to be a fact.
Because you're a big SOFTIE!! No matter how callous you may ACT.
Would you see their lives so brutally interrupted?
The Innocent of this world, who have yet to be corrupted?
Are you so heartless? So heinous? So full of malice and spite
That you would allow ALL CHILDREN to perish this very night!?"
"You have a chance to be their SAVIOR, Mad Mage.
And when the world remembers you, Salim, what will they write on the page?
In the story of your life will they write Tyrant? Or Saint?
Will they write you were a Monster? That you were full of Taint?
Or will you go down as a Hero in History
The one who fought the Snake...and who emerged in Victory!?
The Decision is yours, Thaumaturge, not even a GOD can make you CHOOSE..
But you must make the choice soon. We have NO TIME TO LOSE."
"Then I accept, All-Father. And try as I might...
if I'm going to die anyway it may as well be in a Fight."
"There is no greater Death, Valhalla awaits all who die without Fear.
But before you can fight the Snake, dear boy...you need some better GEAR!!
Take thee now the Gauntlets Járngreipr, which will grant you incredible Strength!!
And the STAFF OF THE MONKEY KING, which can stretch to any Length!!
"But the last Artifact that I grant ye is one I am loathe to give...
..but I have no choice, or else the world shall not live...
..the last weapon that I give ye, Salim, to complete this IMPOSSIBLE Task...
..the most powerful of them all....
"I GRANT YE LOKE'S MASK!!!"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Tue Dec 29, 2020 9:22 pm
by kitteninablender
"Loke's...mask!? What does it do?"
"Whatever the wearer needs it to..."
"Well then hand it over, there's not a moment to waste!!
Hand me that Mask, so I can slam it on my face!"
"This mask has a cost, Salim. It drives the user to Insanity...
The cost, Salim...is the LAST of your HUMANITY.."
"But my power...it will be equal to Loke's?"
"It will."
"Then long enough we've spoke..."
"If the last of my humanity is the price I must pay...
So that the World can live to see another day..."
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2020 8:40 am
by kitteninablender
"Ah ha....ahhahaha...ahaha...AHHA...AHAHAHA!!!"
"AHHHAHAHA!!! "AHAHAHAH!!!
"Oooooh hoo hoo hoo!! The power!! So...INTOXICATING!!"
"Yes. It is. That's why Loke wanted you to have the bag, and the Sled.
He WANTED the Power to go to your Head.
He wanted you to feel Godhood's intoxication
So that you would help destroy everyone without hesitation."
"Well now that the playing field is level...
I'm gonna go kick Loke's arse!! In this, I shall Revel!!"
"It's not level yet, my child. Don't be delirious.
You have Loke's POWERS.. But not his EXPERIENCE.
Also remember that despite all of your magical might
The Mask has a weakness. It only functions at NIGHT.
When the sun rises you shall be mortal once more."
"Well then what in the HELLS are we waiting for!?"
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2020 10:23 am
by kitteninablender
Onwards we flew to find the Snake and Loke
Above Atlantis, where we had last spoke
As we approached the Trickster gave a great sneer
And a look that might even be confused for Fear
"My Mask!! I had thought it destroyed!"
"You were lied to, apparently. It's now one of MY Toys.."
"It grants you my powers! Indeed this is true.
But I'm still infinitely stronger than you!
But no! You wear Thor's Gauntlets! And wield the staff of Sun Wukong!!
You degenerate old man!! You had these all along!?"
"Many trinkets over the millennia I have collected
And stashed them in my Trove, so they'd be protected."
"Lies, old man! I visited your vault!! I visited Ymir's Casket!"
"And you truly thought I'd put all my eggs in one basket?
Give up, Loke!! You're outmached!! Admit Defeat!"
"Never, old man! I shall never retreat!
The Serpent is MINE!! He answers to my voice alone!!
He will devour you WHOLE!! And I shall take your Throne!!"
"We have no choice, Salim. The Nine Worlds are at stake."
Loke is yours. I'll handle the Snake..."
The All-father began to Grow, he started to heighten
until the All-Father stood neck and neck with the Snake. Titan...against Titan.
He drew forth his Spear, the mighty weapon known as GUNGNIR
And then taunted Jormungandr so that he would come near.
With a fierce stab, the spear clashed upon scale
and the waves began to bow, and the wind began to Gale
The full fury of the Tempest, the Rage of the Storm
Encompassed the All-Father and the Serpent's giant Form.
It was then that the REINDEER began to converge.
Their forms dissolved, and then they all MERGED!!
Where once stood eight Deer there now stood a single 8-hooved Horse...
SLEIPNIR, he was known, in the Tongue of Old Norse...
Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!
Posted: Wed Dec 30, 2020 6:16 pm
by kitteninablender
"I've been waiting for this!! Let's rumble, Loke!"
"You want to die that badly? Hope you don't choke..."
'Bah! I'm not afraid of choking, I'm not one to brag...
But let's just say it'll take more than your bad jokes to make ME Gag..."
"Nah, the Gagging comes from all of the people who have to hear your comedy.
It starts out as a Travesty and then turns into an atrocity."
"My gods, Loki, that joke was a bore...
Last time I heard something so bad I fell off my DINOSAUR!"
"Enough petty talk, time to Rumble, MISTER!!
So DING DING, MOTHAF---A!!
"...BAM!!! Right in the Kisser!!!"
"AHHH!! You...you can HURT ME!?!?!?"
"Ain't it a Shame!?
It turns out that GODS CAN FEEL PAIN!!!
"Thor's Gauntlets!! They give you his strength!!
They have to---"
"Gahh!! His blows are coming too Quick!!
"Super-speed!! Thanks to the Monkey King's Stick!!
I'm now the fastest man alive!! isn't it great!?"
"No wonder you can't ever seem to get a date.."
"HNNNGH!!"
"Fastest MAN alive, you are ndeed..
But even with the Mask you cannot match a GOD for SPEED!!"
