Never Again Forget - Saint Merielle Silene

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

Today was a blessing. Mostly. Selah and I were able to do a great deal of catching up. We spent the night conversing pleasantly, giggling like schoolgirls and seeking light among shadows. It was nice to spend some time with her. Her simple logic is often hard to argue, and as she says… she does remind me of the silver lining I fail to see. It was this lift in spirits that allowed me a moment to breathe. Some days it feels like drowning. How can one Drown from so high a pedestal?

"Do not think of us as pillars that hold you up. Think of us as...threads of a blanket that wraps around you. Some threads may fray, but the blanket remains to protect you. It is well made, because you made it."

My dear friends… as Jonas reminded me, are not pillars on which my pedestal rests, but dear comforts. Threads of laughter, loyalty, hope, love, faith, strength. Though I wonder if it was truly I that wove them together? I do not think I could take credit for such a thing. I am already given more credit than I deserve. Maybe some day I will have earned it. Though they insist I have. Selah and I spoke until words became difficult as sleep settled. I rested a bit, but woke restless. I left a note for her, allowing her some rest. I left the temple to walk, intent on letting my feet wander as my thoughts, and see where both landed.

I didn’t get very far. An invitation to sit at the Merchant Camp, and the lack of daylight, gave me pause. It was pleasant actually, for the most part. Val and I spoke for a bit. I continued to work on the Lilies that I had been embroidering for her. The conversation remained easy and pleasant until Ian was brought up, and a tense moment between a guardsman and Emrys. I left the campfire after giving Val the finished embroidery to frame if she chooses.

Joan wasn’t far behind, and it was Joan that I voiced my want to patch things up with Emrys to this time. Her cheerleading lead to Emrys and I having tea at the inn of course, but not before we fell into a bit of trouble. Emrys and Val had followed behind Joan and I a pace. With Joan’s urging I struck up a dialogue. It was awkward at first because I wasn’t sure how he would react. He was chilled at first, but civil. We agreed to go to the keep.

The wolves were the first sign of trouble. The rest of the trip would find us fighting against bandits. Not the normal thugs that plague the roads either. These were organized, skilled, and dangerous. The worst fighting was between the ruined Bhaalist temple and Candlekeep. Looking at it now it was odd. I remembered the bandits Jonas had spoken of, and my worry went to the magus. I urged the others, as did Emrys. I didn’t notice at the time, and likely he didn’t notice at all… how easy it was for us to fall into step. So long had we fought together, it became… habit. He stayed just ahead of me… The energy he threw at our foes, and I not far with bandages. Val took the trailing line, at first picking them off with her bow, and Joan stayed at the front, sword ready. It was far too easy to fall into old strategy, and we moved efficiently. Several times, we were nearly overwhelmed, and more than once, Joan and Emrys were badly wounded as they stood between the enemy and me. Fortunately, embroidery is good practice for stitching wounds in battle.

As we neared the keep, and the fighting seemed at its worst, Jonas and Siomir, as well as several others joined us. We all breathed a sigh of relief as we entered the safety of the keep. Emrys and Val got situated, I went to order some tea, and Joan went to file the paperwork on the incident, and increase the guards. Soon we sat comfortably, poor Val nearly asleep on Emrys’ arm. The conversation started civilly. Try as I might, I couldn’t find the words to express to him what I really needed to say.

It was finally Val that brought the pleasant conversation to a close with mention of Ian… and slowly… Emrys and I would work thoughts into words. My initial apology was met with cool silence. Still, we had already started. As unpleasant as it was… this needed to be done, even if we never spoke again. I prayed and moved forward, speaking more from the heart than from my own thoughts. At first his words were sharp. Val finally went to rest as mine and Emrys’ words became more pointed. I told him that I didn’t want to lose another friend. Through most of it, Emrys was content to let me speak as I needed. Though we did trade words often enough.

‘...The reality is we fought hard... and did the best we could... but there was more than Bhaal holding us together at one point.’

‘Some of the things that held us together are now dead.’

His words fell on me like a mountain of rocks. I winced from the flat cold tone in his voice… and the salt that fell into an open wound that was Billy’s death. It took a moment to catch my breath and speak. When I did, my voice was so choked with emotion that I wondered how I spoke at all.

‘Not all of them.’

‘They were like your own children, Meri, and you continue to follow the bastard that killed them. How do you bloody do that?’

His anger finally boiled to the surface, his own hurt. They struck me as surely as if he had slapped me… but I found the words to speak, and I prayed.

‘Because it wasn't Ilmater Emrys. Ilmater keeps them still... they... they aren't lost to me…’

‘Fine. Let's all do Ilmater's will and murder every innocent child so they may live with him in Celestia’

His words struck a tender cord in my heart and my own barely checked emotions broke lose in a torrent. So it was we traded words… I was thankful the inn was empty.

‘I never would have lost Dianne if I hadn't used a Drow to kill a demon and gotten banned from the city! I wouldn’t have lost Billy if I was with him instead of leading a battle!! I chose… and it cost me. Gods it cost me. But it cost me their lives... not their souls!’

‘No! It wasn't your choice! It wasn't any of our choices! It was the will of your god!’

‘Bhaal's hand moved first. Ilmater only sought to protect what he could. There are rules Emrys! Even for the Gods!’

‘Do you remember what Billy said to us after he died in the temple?’

‘Yes.’

I was suffocating… choking on the emotion as my mind whirled back to that day.

‘He said that all that had transpired was the will of Ilmater.’

Angered and knowing full well that once again those moments so ingrained in my mind. The hurt of the moment only amplified the hurt of his words, and the words poured from me at a rate that surprised even me. The truth of them stung.

‘He never said that. His exact words were:
This was written before time began… I am sorry…Ilmater didn't wish Billy to die! Saving only his soul was a last resort! In a way I had failed my task... but I had to stop Bhaal! Bhaal had him Emrys! What I did before I fell merely forced him to let go of Billy’s soul! Something that only would work in just that circumstance... a last ditch measure! You have no idea how truly close we came to losing that day, and not just Billy and our own lives, but the safety of the whole realms! We... did our best facing a god Emrys! A God! Fortunately we had one on our side too, and still do... despite all my bungled work. …I am sorry... ’

Finally there was nothing else I dared say. My last words came out in a little more than a choked whisper I fell silent. Emrys looked at me, his mouth moving, but not making a sound. The silence was louder than any yelling we had done. It was painful. Finally he spoke.

‘If... if Ilmater is unable to save a single child... why should he deserve any praise and devotion?’

I looked levelly at him, my pain barely veiled as I spoke.

‘Emrys... do you know ... how many were saved? Even the gods can't do it all Emrys. That he was willing to try says something.’

Finally I saw the hesitation in him. I saw the emotion… My hope slowly renewed, the hurt and anger began to subside.

‘No... this can't be the case. Ilmater must have lied to you. Yes... that's what it was…’

‘He doesn’t lie.’

He seemed ill… irritated or something. He struggled against something that wouldn’t be clear until much later in the evening.

‘No, Ilmater is a deceiver. He revels in suffering, and wishes others to experience such suffering.’

My words were gentle now. Perhaps he merely sought an outlet for his own grief over Billy’s loss. Perhaps he sought an enemy he could actually face. Who could say really?

‘Emrys... he has sought to ease my every pain... Always. Every torment I bear, that any bear he seeks to ease. He always has, and he always will.’

‘Then why does he make you go through such torment!?’

‘Because he doesn't control everything. He doesn't make me suffer. We choose our battles and our pains as best we can, but even we don’t foresee it all. We did what we had to in making sure more didn't suffer. Ilmater sought to make that easier to bear because someone has to bear the burdens.’

He seemed to be losing his own argument, and I pressed forward. Speaking as my heart and faith bid, and prayed it was what he needed to hear. He listened quietly. The conflict evident as my words were striking some mark in his heart.

‘He isn't the enemy Emrys.... it was never his hand that beat me... never his that lashed me... not his that tortured me or killed my children… or killed innocents… or seeks to take a soul and make an avatar to kill with it. It isn't Ilmater that seeks to take my soul and devour it. Bhaal and his Allies… they are who we face. All that is darkness, evil and corrupt… it was that which caused me to suffer. Ilmater did not. Ever. Emrys. I have never lied to you. I Never will.’

Finally after so long, he looked at me. And finally, we made peace. Apologies were given and received on both sides. Mercy in forgiveness. Time will tell whether or not my words shall truly take hold and keep in his heart. At least by the end of it, all that needed said was said. Truths exchanged, even a hug. At the end of it… my mind was exhausted, but my heart was lighter. It was a step in the right direction. I had not lost him. Not yet. I didn’t intend to ever lose him. Much was addressed, more than I was aware we needed to speak of. I left the inn with high spirits.

That joy carried to several more pleasant and amusing conversation. The rest of the night passed in laughter as Colt, Joan and Selah traded witty words and taunts. Finally we all went to seek some rest. It is true what they say. All is well that ends well. There is much to mend, but at least now the wounds no longer gape. In that I can be content. Mercy smiled today… Mercy smiles…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

The morning started out grand enough. Pleasant conversations to distract me from my thoughts, and smiling faces. Tessian came to me amid all of this and told me that we were to take a walk, a trip. He kept the details to himself. I made my way quickly to the temple, and let Sister Adolina know. Thinking that we were sneaking off for a picnic, I went along with it. I didn’t really give it much thought as we stopped at Candlekeep to pick some things up… a lot of things. Still, seemed at best a cook out of sorts. A Mini-camping trip if you will. On we walked, our pace brisk, our route indirect, until we came to a suitable ‘hiding place’ along the coast.

Hiding place? Yes. Tessian meant for us to remain here… indefinitely. Well not entirely, until the assassin was dealt with. As the weight of what he had in mind settled, worry took hold. I know Tessian hoped that the others would redouble efforts to find the assassin, that they could do so without having to keep an eye on the two of us. He also hoped that the assassin would become clumsy and erratic in my absence. Fine plans, but I know well the enemy I face, and the guardians who look out for me. Jonas would be, and was… Furious.

Jonas’ oath is to stand at my side until the trouble passes. From what I felt, and what I heard once I talked Tessian into coming back… that he was furious… was an understatement. At first, my worries were for the duties I left unfinished. For the others that would be endangered by my absence. So long as he may torment me, he has been mostly content to leave the others alone. Mostly. Still I cannot do anything hidden away. As Tessian put it… As the princess locked away in the tower. Complete with enchanted, flying bench, and magic wardrobe that produced what was requested on demand.

The day passed in conversation. I know Tessian wanted to ensure our safety. I know so. He asked me for my trust, and I do trust him infinitely. There is duty to consider. I cannot in good conscience sit idly by when there is work to do. I wondered how long it would be before we were found? It wasn’t the most hidden of hiding places. To literally hide beneath the nose of so many, it was satisfying to know that we had a sanctum if we had need of it.

Tessian needed sleep, Mercy know I tried to… instead, by morning, the entire place was so meticulously cleaned and organized, it hardly seemed the same place we arrived in the day before. I felt unfair asking duty to stand along side love. To ask so much of the man who stood before me… He was in as much danger, if not more, simple because I loved him so much. That is what left me standing in fear and uncertainty. I would call down the heavens for him, to keep him safe. I prayed that was enough. Somewhere in that moment, my heart broke. Merciful Ilmater… grant us strength for what is yet to come. Bless his gentle heart.

I kept expecting him to turn from me, for his own sake. Yet as I spoke of our return, he did not. He was upset. I hated myself for the duress I caused him. He shouldn’t have to suffer so because of my battles. I couldn’t say who I was more angry at, myself, or the assassin that wished me dead. We would return to Baldur’s Gate by way of horseback. Our return however was dependant on my agreement to swimming lessons. I hate riding still. At least we made good time. So ended our two day hiatus.

Jonas was indeed beside himself with rage. I felt so bad. Tessian, dear as he is, did not regret trying to keep me safe, just that things did not go as planned. Jonas nearly resigned to come find me. I made a point to stay between Jonas and Tessian. Between my brother and my betrothed. I am sure Jonas wished to at the least knock him down the stairs in the corner of his mind. As Tessian put it, he isn’t much of a spy, but he is one darn good paladin, and very loyal. There were many worried… and no sign from the assassin either. It was worth a shot at least. In the future, we have a tidy little hide away if we need it. I promised Jonas to stay well guarded, and in the city while he rested and recovered.
~~

It was a restless day of worry and planning. I prayed. I want for so little, ask for even less, but what I ask now, what I want, is for Tessian to be safe. We stood there, hand in hand, in quiet conversation. The park was pleasant, and quiet. Our thought in stark contrast to the surroundings about us. Somber to say the least.

‘I wish we could just leave.’

‘And where would we go?’

‘I know all kinds of glorious places, Meri. Quiet places, wild places, shining places, quaint places...'

‘Maybe we can travel some day.’

‘Perhaps...‘

‘Duty won't be so demanding always... the Shadows will pass. I promise.’

‘...that's what you said last time.‘

‘I mean it though…I meant it last time... but one shadow didn't have the graces to stay gone like the rest.’

‘Shadows don't like giving graces.’

‘Yes well this one will whether it likes it or not.’

‘I hope so.’

‘Faith and patience. We will stand through it…and to think... most girls ask for the moon.’

‘Why would they do that?’

‘I am not sure. Joan says its in a lot of her romance stories.’

‘That...does not make sense.’

‘I know. I wonder if its easier though…’

‘I don't think so.’

‘I didn't expect such complications though. I just want you happy and safe. I don't like that you are afraid... or in danger.’

‘We won't be happy or safe until he is dead.’

‘I never thought I could hate someone... I think I hate him. I really do.’

‘Hate is a very quick and natural reaction.’

‘I try not to, but everything he does, everything he touches… I know he does it to garner my hate, turn me to hurt, hate or fear, but I can't pretend it doesn't bother me, as much as I want to.’

‘He has the advantage, Merielle.’

‘For now. He won't keep it. We just need to find a way to keep you safe, and then me... and then everyone else. If he can't hurt people... he can't do anything to hurt me. We can find a way.’

‘We have to, love.’

‘I know.’

‘I'm a lover, not a fighter.’

‘I love you so much. I feel like I am asking so much more of you than I deserve or have the right to.’

‘No. You deserve everything I can do.’

‘And what do you get in turn? My love? Without a doubt, without question, wholly. Danger? In more measure than is fair. I've never had much more than faith and heart. And that may not be enough… I am not the only who deserves a great deal, love.’

‘I don't know what to say.’

‘Sorry for being so morose, dear. I am just so tired of waiting for him to show up and not knowing if he will stay dead -this- time. I want you safe. Mercy of Ilmater... if I am given nothing else I want you happy and safe.’

‘I know.’

There was a long span of silence as I studied my hand in his. There were so many prayers in that silent moment. What right? What right did I have to endanger him with my heart? Yet he stayed. He stood at my side, and he knew what it meant.

‘Meri...you realize that either of us...both of us...might die in the next minute?’

‘All are subject to such. We are not exempt.’

‘No...but we know it. We know how. We know why. There's so much less mystery. It's only when. Or if…I just hope we're never past all thought of if or when.’

‘Tessian... It doesn't matter. As long as we are happy and do our best.’

‘Well, yes… But it would be nice to be able to be happy and do our best longer than what others might be planning.’

‘Yes. We will. You will see. I won’t give you up.’

‘Nor I you.’

Our conversation then turned to planning until Selah revealed a spy standing behind us. ‘Frank’ as the woman insists her name is. Tessian was quick to take her to the ground, and I was ready to defend us both. Once the situation was seen for what it was Selah took the woman along. Selah insisted Frank was to learn a lesson in respecting privacy. It cannot be said how long she stood there or what she heard. Tessian was worried she was a spy for the Hin. I didn’t know her well, but I didn’t truly think her that much of a threat. Still to be safe, and put our fears to rest, we decided to go see what Selah might have gleaned from her time with the woman.

Frank left shortly after our arrival, though I think it was more because of Selah’s antics, than our presence. Selah’s answers to Tessian’s questions seemed to put him more at ease, and he left to plan and plot as he felt he needed to. Selah and I shared some wine. It was evident that something troubled her. All too often, this woman had cheered me, lightening my heavy heart. Too long had I neglected the dear friend who sat before me looking troubled and a bit far into her wine.

We talked a great deal. Her wistful heart longed for something, she wished for love, for happiness. Not a wrong wish by my thinking… just an unreachable one by hers. I convinced her to let me fix her hair. Seldom is Selah anything less than meticulous about her appearance. Her braids were done with obvious haste, and less care than normal. It took a bit to get it untangled. We talked of love lost and loves yet hoped for as I carefully worked with her hair.

I was surprised I remembered how to work with the hair. It took some time, but by the end of it, she had a fine bun of sorts. The hair twisted and turned in a pattern much like that of a rose’s petals. I worked a lavender bit of ribbon around the outside of it, weaving it through the turns of hair pinned in place, and tying it into a fine bow at the base, just above her neck. I then worked three, small, white roses into it for effect. It was a lovely thing against her dark raven colored hair.

She was pleased with it, and cheered some. We went for a nice long walk, careful to stay within the city so that my promise remained in tact. It was a pleasant walk. We visited the arena. She told me tales of champions who had come through the city, to the very place we stood. Made or broken in moments of triumph and defeat. We then walked to a fine building that loomed taller than the others on the docks. There at the top of the building, we gazed over the city. It was a spectacular view. She says she will own the place one day. Host grand balls and run her trade business from within. A marvelous plan, truly. I wish with all my heart that those dearest to me may yet find the happiness they seek.

As the daylight faded over our perch, we made our way back through the city. Tessian was there on our path. I left the pair to plot and scheme as they saw fit… though I dared not contemplate what schemes their minds combined could put together. I wanted some sleep. It had been three days… or better. Since before our ‘trip’. Tessian had apparently told everyone we had gone to Trademeet. Needless to say, it had been a draining few days. I was in pleasant spirits, and ready to seek sleep.

The city was quiet. The shadows unusually long as I neared the temple. When my eyes fell on a scrap of parchment daggered to the door, my heart dropped. My eyes darted about warily. I half expected him to be standing there, his kukris ready and that mocking smile. If he was there, he didn’t give up his hiding place. His foul script, in large taunting manner, heavy handed, and signed with the bloody print that I pray was his own, and not that of a child:

‘Bhaal awaits thee. Bhaal Embraces Thee. None Escape Bhaal.’

'Bhaal shall wait for all his days. Murder can not hold what already rests in the arms of Mercy!'

I spoke to no one in particular as I tore the note from the door, took the dagger down, and frowned at yet another mar in the temple door. With that I went inside. I prayed. I paced. I cleaned… I made a lovely bunch of strawberry tarts… The rest I had meant to find, would not find me now. I was jumping at every unexplained noise. I hated my fear, hated him… and I prayed.

Slowly I calmed, and I did nap for a bit, but the sleep was fleeting, leaving me more tired than I was before I lay to rest. Now to find something to do. To occupy myself for now, and try rest again later. Long are the days. Tessian is right. We won’t be happy until he is dead. This Shadow will not be allowed to loom for always. Mercy will prevail yet again… and this time… I will make sure he doesn’t return from his foul god.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINETH ENTRY]

I have nearly lost two more dear to me than I care to admit. The worst part is I am not entirely sure how to save either of them. Poor Jonas feels as though he must be drowning… and I feel as though I have done little else than throw more water at him. He needs rest. Real rest. He might take a trip south for a bit. As both friend and sister I will allow such, regardless of whether or not the others think I should as his ward. It does no good to have him protecting me when he cannot think straight. If we are to stand, we must stand strong and un-frayed, for to clip away threads completely is worse than the ends unraveling.

My heart dropped today when my thoughts went still. Worse when I was handed his sword and a note. Fortunately Joan was there, and I was able to go seek him. I feared him dead. The robed figure that had matched Joan’s description was standing with Auriel and Valerius. I feared this man who had given the sword was one of those warlocks who have been attacking paladins of late. However, what was mistaken for an arcanist was soon enough revealed to be my dear brother. Not that it could be mistaken when a supposed stranger takes point between me and a perceived threat. Few stand as he does in my defense… in fact, none could. For all the anguish I have lain at his feet, I pray he can forgive me. For now his trip to Amn is put off. There is time to mend the damage thankfully, and the sword rests now in the hands of he who may wield it.

He was less than pleased to hear I was left another note. I had not wished to tell him of it at all while he was so thinly stretched. It was my intention to hold of on worrying Jonas further until he was rested. However he insisted, and Valerius made an argument that was difficult to dissuade. Which brings me to the problem that troubles me the most. Tessian. Mercy of Ilmater, please do not ask me to give him up.

He can barely get out of bed. Indeed he must be kept heavily warded against evil things. He cannot sleep untroubled at all unless I stand guard. What little sleep he does get leaves him feverish and drained. He fights against a temptation that may well cost him his soul, and the nature of this manner of attack is one I am not familiar with. He says she looks as I do, says there are moments he doesn’t wish to wake… that he almost wishes it were her he sees when waking than me. Almost. She hasn’t won yet. I cling to that glimmer of hope, and pray for his sake. This coming at a time when my enemies wish him dead just to cause me pain.

My prayers are constant. So far my duties do not stand neglected… even though sleep has. I stand on faith and will alone. Eventually the lack of rest will fall me ill, but I dare not sleep. I fear if I close my eyes for even an instant… look away for a moment… That some ill force will tear away all that is good and true in those around me. I sought Valerius’ help today. He has accepted my request for aid, and I thank all that is Mercy for his kindness. I am blessed in the friends I hold. As much as I would love to bear my burdens without straining those dear… I am still yet only human, and as much as I hate it… sometimes I need help too… though I feel bad for weighting them so.

For now Tessian is well tended, and well guarded. I will gather what is needed from Candlekeep before returning to him. I will not give him up, not to Demons or Shadows. I will keep close watch on him in my idle moments. For now that will have to be enough while the others gather what they need. I thought to try to sleep, but it was brief and restless. I feel more tired now than before I lay down. Even the sleeping draughts have done little to offer me more than an hour’s respite.

My dreams have become torturous things, even more so of late because my days are a storm of unsettled thoughts and feelings, and chaos. The enemies I face could not spin terrors so well as my own mind, which has become quite adept. The nightmares seem so real, the pain I feel within them, I feel when I wake… I have learned to wake from them without screaming more often than not.

It is disorienting to wake from them. For several moments the fear lingers, and the confusion takes longer to clear with the lack of proper rest. It is prayer alone that has kept me sane thus far. I truly am living on faith and tea alone it seems. We will see what the days ahead hold. I am going to try some Valerian Tea. Even if it is not dreamless… at this point… I only know I need the rest.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SIXTIETH ENTRY]

The days have been quiet. Well compared to normal, they have been quiet. Quiet in that unnerved sort of way. I don’t like it. I fill it with duty and chore, work to keep my mind and heart busy. I rarely stray from town. When I do leave the temple, often it is only to seek some fresh air or supplies. I hardly sleep. Just enough to keep illness at bay. Its not enough by any proper measure, but the dreams of my rest tend to leave me feeling as though I ran for miles rather than rested. Besides… Tessian rests easier when I keep watch.

He remains in bed, most times between conscious and not. I keep protective wards up constantly. Between that and my presence -she- stays gone. He rests, but those moments that she is about… I won’t lose him to her. Not to the faithful of Bhaal or all of the Abyss. He fights so hard, and it leaves him drained. I sit in that chair. His hand in my own. He clings to it the way a drowning man clings to a bit of flotsam at sea. When he looks to me, there is relief and hope in his eyes. And disappointment… ‘I almost wish you were her.’ Almost. A haunting word in such context. Yet, he remains true, and he fights her. My presence and gentle reassurances help he says. Arrangements are being made, things set into place. Hold on, love. You’ll not have to face her for much longer.

The Shadow remains quiet. No doubt disappointed that some other force inflicts my pain at Tessian’s expense. I have no doubt he watches. The flour keeps disappearing from the temple. Notes daggered to the door. The poor door is so marred, we will have to replace it no doubt. No one has seen or heard from Brother Rente of late, and I keep missing Sister Abby. I am starting to worry for him. It has been nearly well half a tenday. I don’t remember him saying anything about a trip. Then again my memory has never been a reliable thing. Memory. All my careful notes. Some of them are missing. The ones revolving around the vampires and Bahl’hal. I don’t like to forget things. I don’t like to remember things that should be written down that are not.

Val and Jonas sat with me for a time at the temple. Val asked about Ian, and I did my best to explain things. About Alamin, and about the two timelines preserved by parchment and ink. About what happened the night Alamin was resurrected, and the days that follow. Alamin and his mother stay somewhere in Baldur’s Gate. They visit the temple often enough. Mona… she is a haunted slip of a woman. I worry for her. This widow… Mercy to her and her children. We still haven’t found any sign of Cora or Cedi. I still haven’t been able to speak to Alamin and his father’s nonsense with the Obsidian Soul that cost him his life.

I haven’t told them of his cold words. I haven’t because in some small way I pray death release him, that he didn’t mean them. That he really does care for the family he has turned from. My prayer is that he can be saved from his own cold vengeance and anger. In life, there is loss. There is pain and suffering. It is how we deal with these that matters. Stop what you can, make the most of what you have. Count your blessings, and cherish them.

After talking with Emrys, I am certain that the woman, Kadri who obsesses over the Soulkeep is possessed by a servant claiming to be the master. For I know where the master resides… there is no mistaking that presence. Other than that, there have been no talks of the amulet, no mention of spiders or dark corners. No slave trackers. A blessing. But there has also been no word from the darkness, and I fear the silence.

The woman calling herself Frank still lurks about Jonas. I hear talk of necromancers attacking, and of warlocks. Still whispers of warlocks hunting paladins. Someone is also trying to harm Siomir for some foolish reason. No doubt they will learn the error of such thoughts at the end of the Elven blade… and Mercy to them, for they shall need it if Rith is near enough. She takes her duty to keep him safe as seriously as Jonas takes his duty to me.

Jonas… Telissa is long overdue from Nesmé. He is very worried. As am I. The strain of so much on one man. I wish I could ease his burdens. Not add to them. He has taken temporary leave from the Radiant Heart, and focused on my protection for the time being. He endures it as well as any could. I will not lie. It eases my heart greatly to have his watchful eye close. There are so very few I dare trust more than my dear brother. May the Mercy of Ilmater smile on him as he does the duty bid by the Loyal Fury. His sword is back in his hand, and his oath intact.

Old faces are returning. I hear rumor Mice has been about. I can hardly wait to smile on that dear girl again. I have missed her exuberant presence. I am glad to hear she was indeed safe from Bhaal’s reach. I pray she will remain so. Kel has even returned to us. I hate to admit it, but I even missed him. Then again I know well there is more to he than meets the eye. Of course not all old faces that return are pleasant hellos and such.

The cambion and his -wife- have returned to the coast. The poor dear seems to actually -care- for the blue-skinned beast! I cringe to think what he has done to her in all this time to garner her -loyalty-. Cringe because I have been slave to a master similar to he. I know well the trials and torments she has undoubtedly had to bear. Blasted puppeteer tugging on strings as he sees fit. And speaking of puppets… had the -nerve- to give me one. In my very precise likeness… it was most disturbing. But at least this Meri Marionette did not spew spiders. Fang and Zach were quick to leave it a pile of fragments and smoldering bits of wood.

I do need to speak with Joan. Something troubles her. While I do not doubt that Siomir was able to improve her spirits… there is something she has yet to tell me, and it haunts her eyes. My dear sister, I pray she is alright. I have caught up with Selah some, but I really have yet to catch Joan and actually speak to her. I may need to make a trip to Candlekeep. I may have no blood relatives… but I have adopted well many into my heart. I wonder if they know how very precious they are? How very truly, precious indeed. I should tell them that… a lot. Each I have stood by through trial and battle, and they have stood for my sake. Friendships forged into something stronger by common foe or common goal. Precious blessings, each of them.

There is hope and light amid the shadows. Faith is the strength that carries me far. Mercy prevails in the end of all things, whether they see it or not. Mercy is always there… we need only seek it to find it, even in its smallest measures. The Shadows will pass. We will endure. Hope shall remain, even a faintest embers, and we will fan it into such towering flames that no Shadow dare stand amid its light. Such is the way of things. Such is Faith. Mercy to all who have need of it, may it find those who are lost to it.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIRST ENTRY]

The day was long… very. In truth most of it was uneventful. Most of it. During the night, I watched over Tessian. This morning he ate a bit of breakfast before falling back into his uneasy rest. I remained until the Sisters chased me out for fresh air. Many idle conversations. Truthfully I couldn’t focus on much. Jonas seems upset more than usual over something. I imagine it has to do with Telissa. He is… torn over something. I know he has said that he has some difficult choices… I know he hinted at some trouble with Selis… but I also know there is more to it than he lets on.

Selah and Joan, Jonas, Elias, later Frank, walked to Elias’ home. It was a pleasant walk. We were then given a fine tour of the house. There was much talk as we enjoyed Selah’s spring rolls. It wasn’t all pleasant. Selah delivered some rather unpleasant news… They inch their way closer. My saving grace is their reach will stop in Amn. My greatest worry is for Selah. For of all who are endangered by such things… she is dangerously close.

It wasn’t all dire news. There was talk of the wedding. Joan and Selah have it firmly ingrained that there will be a bachelorette party. Joan also feels awkward standing as a bride’s maid, and has asked to handle the entertainment. As much silly talk as there was, measuring and such, I took a certain measure of joy in telling them that the food was taken care of. How I laugh at the thought. A little joke on our part to bring smiles to so many faces. Humor is a blessing, laughter a mercy, and even if no one else can appreciate it… I look forward to it. Joan and Selah set off to go shopping… a frightening thought… but I have faith in them both.

Not long after Jonas and I decided to part. He was exhausted… barely standing. I was tired, but more worried for Tessian. We made our way through the woods and back toward the Tradeway in near silence. As hindsight goes… we should have rested before we made our way back. The familiar unease as we walked in the shadow of the ruined Bhaalist temple… I wonder if they lurked in the shadows there… watched us approach and turn our backs on the place…if they followed us to the spot we passed Leonia at.

I remember saying hello to her. My thoughts are clouded. There was fighting. We were outnumbered, unfocused, and easy enough to fell. I could not draw on my spells and watched horrified as Jonas buckled under the onslaught. I remembered thinking if I could get one prayer past my lips… just one… My dear brother could fight them off. I would mend, but so long as he stood… Then… there was naught but darkness. What occurred thereafter I could not say. I awoke in the temple of Tymora with Val and Colt.

The fear of something unseen lingered with me as I worked to clear my thoughts. I had died. Jonas? I could not sense him. I panicked. The priests bid me sit, and rest… indeed I needed it. I looked dismayed at my shredded robes and winced at the wounds that had been there. I changed into the old work clothes. I would repair my robes, but it would take a day or two. I sent Val ahead to the temple of Ilmater to tell them I would be there swiftly enough. Val left me with a wine bottle she had filled with tea. I offered my thanks to Colt and to Tymora herself, and made my way through the city.

I was dismayed to hear Jonas was only just barely mended. Even more dismayed to hear that he had been beheaded and burned… My heart sank. When I made my way into the sanctum, Brother Marcus looked as though he had walked the Hells, and Jonas… in one piece and unconscious. His heart was heavy before his death… did he blame himself? Is that why he refused to return. It was not his fault. How do we fight what we cannot see? Blasted Bhaalist Shadows! Cannot take Tessian from me so you seek to take my brother, my guardian. Oath-bound to stand between you and I, honor bound as friend and brother to keep me safe from The Shadow and his foul god. I refused to accept such. Refused to allow them that. Through much will and work, he was drawn back.

As tired as I was… there was work yet to do. Exhausted in every sense of the word, and now standing in for Brother Marcus while he recovered, I then helped Zach battle his temper. Well as best as I could. He nearly well summoned a demon in the temple. There is much work to do with that one. I pray strength and wisdom. He cannot however, move past his anger, until he learns to forgive himself. It will be a long and difficult path, but one that will do him well to walk.

Jonas then left to tend to some other things, leaving me in the care of the knights of the Radiant Heart. I was still having trouble focusing. A great many heard of our fall, and came to see to us. Colt came to check on me, which was surprising. Stating in his rather flat and odd way that I should be resting. I was most surprised though by the visit of a certain husband and wife… Oddly enough, they were kind, polite, and went so far as to offer apologies. He seemed genuinely concerned… though why I dared not say… dared not ask. He offered a sort of aid. While I am wary to accept… we will see.

Selah was afraid something more would happen, feared to let me from her sight, and when Siomir and Rith suggested a walk, she was reluctant to let me go. We made our way south a ways, with no further trouble. I situated things, and prepared to leave. At the least, a few hours away would clear my mind. Selah was uneasy the entire walk… it did not help that I was unfocused, my steps lacking their usual lightness and speed. We talked a great deal, there in the quiet camp. Siomir examined the cuts on my robes. There was talk of enemies and how to face them… how to stay safe from them, and as I sat stitching my robes back together, rest.

I really was exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Even Spiritually. I needed rest. Selah urged and urged for me to take a Plea of Rest, and by the time the sun had set… I had agreed. How was I to help any, when I could not think a half a second past what I was doing. I had intended to do so once the Bhaalist temple had fallen… once the danger was passed… and always there was a reason not to. I had no choice. I had to rest. Even if I slept the whole tenday. Mercy knows well I could.

Selah situated some things, and later Joan joined Siomir and I, a few others came and went as they saw need to, but I really didn’t focus on much. I couldn’t remember a time when I simply rested. From Slave to Servant, from Servant to Saint. I did not settle emotions that I felt would get in the way of duty. I did not sleep as I should. Everything was always for another. Now… for the next ten days… It would be simply… For Me.

Joan was thrilled of course. Went on and on about dressing me up ‘like a paper doll’ as she put it. Turn me into a princess for a day. No work, no duty, no required prayer, no oaths or tenets for a whole tenday. The thought is boggling. I wonder if I could sleep the whole tenday. There was no fault in taking some time for myself… it isn’t selfish. In fact… to really consider it, I will do more good rested. Given the nature of the shadows we walk through, it is as much from need as want.

Tonight I sleep, Selah will remain close by, watchful. In the morning I will take out my ‘peacock’ dress. The blues and greens, the shimmering fabric. Tomorrow I will not be Sister Williams, Saint Merielle, The Willing Servant, the Living Saint… tomorrow… I will simply be Meri. In the fullest and truest sense of the word. I am so blessed… it boggles me to think of such. Truly. Those dear to me understand what must be done. In rest there is renewal. My own second chance of sorts.

Mercy hear me, let me be strengthened. Keep your hand at my back, for I fear my enemies even now will seek to strike when I am vulnerable. May you guide the hearts of those who I hold dear. When my Plea is done, and I am rested, I will return to your service with a glad heart, empty of grief and pain and anger, ready to walk the path as I am bid.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY ONE: THE HIDDEN AND THE BROKEN-HEARTED

The day started well enough. I woke from the first full night of dreamless sleep that I have had in a while. The sun was bright, and I allowed myself the small hope for a grand day. My gray robes still in disrepair, I gathered what I needed to patch them. I dressed and made my way to the kitchen. I wasn’t in there long enough for tea, and was going to prepare the first pot of soup for the day, when Sister Adolina came in brandishing none other than her cast iron ladle. Chased from the kitchen, and from my other duties for that matter, I took a moment. Yes. A Plea. No work. An odd concept. Sister Juna come in smiling and affectionately holding out my ‘peacock dress’. I changed from my dull brown work clothes, and allowed Sister Rachel and the others to fuss over me for a bit. I was then handed my drawing supplies and chased from the temple.

Sister Juna can’t understand why I call it the peacock dress. The blues and turquoise greens, the silver and other shades, so bright and… not gray. Not to mention the looks the dress garners. It is disconcerting to say the very least. It was an almost naked sort of feeling to simply be Meri. I would try to call a prayer, to know effect of course. My confusion as I was able to draw one back from death was met with a gentle answer:

‘Rest, child. Leave it to another.’

I stepped back more than once, and let someone else tend such things. It took a while for me to stop and realize just how much I did need this… and I prayed it did not leave me vulnerable. Eventually I returned to the temple to check on Tessian. He still did not wake, when he did, it was as though he were elsewhere. He couldn’t muster the focus to eat, and often we had to sit and tap him on the shoulder to remind him of the task at hand. When he slept it seemed anything but restless. All our efforts, we checked him fro every ailment we could thing of, tried everything, Brother Marcus could not even uncover what ailed him. The more we ruled out, the more Brother Marcus suspected possession. So did I, and was glad I had spoken to Valerius about it.

Once again I was chased from the temple, and promised that he would be well looked after. Joan and Selah come up with a plan to -hide- me for a time. A challenge. To not be Meri for a time. After an exhausting game of ‘dress up Meri’ which they enjoyed far too much, we settled on some fine shades of green, a complete ensemble, including armor. It didn’t take me long to remember why I had stopped wearing armor. I must say I admire the ability of the others to wear it, fight in it and not be miserably exhausted and sore.

The day passed in pleasant conversation, until the sun was making its way beneath the horizon. Sonja, a ranger from some place that I can’t remember, was shy, quiet, and actually almost fun. To walk the roads anonymous. Another face, another person, I felt… hidden, almost safe. The others tried to keep my mind from worries, and did mostly well. Jonas I had yet to see since the attack, and while he kept enough of the connection open to reassure me he was well, he blocked much of his emotions… What did trickle through broke my heart. His guilt, the undercurrent to his thoughts for many days now, and yet he refused to let me help him shoulder his burdens. I was content to give him his space, or I was until all at once I felt something from him I should not.

Jonas was -afraid-. Terrified. Not sure if Siomir or the others understood the significance of that, or how I would know it I got up. Siomir did. It was amazing how quickly he went from being drunk and mad at Jonas, to sober and ready to tear apart the hells for my dear brother. We made our way through the woods, and I grew impatient with my armor. Patience is a virtue… a saving grace… and in my lack of it, I left myself vulnerable for a moment. I now owe a particular Elf at least one slap in the face. However, free of the armor, and in a comfortable tunic, I was able to make speed, and so I did. I ran. So what if people could pick my out by stature and speed alone. There was trouble, and I wasn’t about to let some ruse keep me from finding out what was going on. From making sure he was safe.

Torm had stepped away from Jonas, bidding him find himself, rediscover his path. Without Torm’s gifts, he was as vulnerable as I. He had left his sword with Selis, and things were complicated on that front. Seemed that was what Jonas and Siomir had fought about earlier. Seems my disappearance with Tessian, and these other matters were merely catalysts to something started as the Bhaalist Siege had ended.

We spent much of the night in conversation. Valerius, Siomir, Rith, Deva, Jonas and of course myself. Slowly much came to light. There were only three that I trusted at least as much as these in that room who were not present. Tessian, Joan and Selah. Had they been there, I could have looked each dear and trusted soul in the eyes. A sobering thought for a girl who left a merchant town temple some months ago, with a heart full of hope and trust. Months. It hadn’t even been a full year yet since I left Trademeet. So much had happened! The fight with Bhaal had left scars on us, wounds that were barely healed shut.

Plea of Rest or not, I asked the Wisdom of the Broken God. Valerius excused himself after some time. Eventually, after nearly throwing a tea cup at Deva, it was merely Jonas and Rith and Siomir who sat at the table with me. I began to speak, praying my words fell in the right places, mind, spirit and heart. I gave him the locket of the children to hold until he had found his path again. To remind him of what he had fought for, still fought for. It had been my compass in recent days. Perhaps it would guide him now. Mercy be with him.

He went to rest, Siomir and Rith kept me company a while longer before we all made our way to rest. I knew even then rest will not come easy. So I am writing… But now I really will try to rest. Jonas has not fallen beyond redeeming, and if I am to be any help at all, I should rest. That is what a Plea is for after all.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY TWO: THE WANDERING, THE MENDING AND THE MUSE

This day was interesting. I woke early, nearly forgetting to be Sonja before leaving the inn. Some alterations to an the green tunic I had purchased, and Sonja was someone I could live with. Less a ranger and more one who studied and utilized the fauna and flora. A little easier stretch of the truth for me, kept the look, without so much armor. Cotton may do little to stop a blade, but why stop it, when its easier just to never let it find purchase?

The day started with Selah, Joan, Selis, Nicha and I going on one of Selah’s adventures. It was evident that Selis was still not quite up to her normal composure yet. Still reeling from the troubles she and Jonas faced. She departed our company before we even left Beregost. I wished her well. She was a good woman, and it was obvious she cared a great deal for Jonas… oh how complicated such things were.

Hearing of possible trouble in Nashkell, we headed further south. The attack of sorts was eye opening for me, internally as Meri, externally as Sonja. Sonja isn’t much of a fighter, worthless with the practice blade I had been given. Though I had figured out, thanks to Siomir, how to move in such a way that I could both appear to know what I was doing, and sneak in a few good hits with my fists, well placed kicks and such. It really is a dance of sorts, though I never realized it before.

Truth be told I still prefer a good waltz. It was difficult to not be able to call prayers to keep others from falling… or to not be able to draw back death to those who had fallen. Fortunately there was an able healer about. It also was strange to be in the midst of an attack and not be the target because of faith or title. Sad how used to such things I have become.

I sought solace afterwards, and Joan, Nicha and Selah went off to adventure. I walked a while, just walking. I marveled at being simply another face on the road, I feared walking without guardian or guard. Or even without able company, but my thoughts wandered as my feet did, until at last it grew late.

It was late evening when I returned to Candlekeep. Jonas and Valerius were working on some monastic teachings, meant to help Jonas seek the self he had lost touch with. He was having trouble finding focus, so I shared my field of flowers… that quiet space of sunshine and scent, sometimes laughter. It truly seemed to help. Perhaps it was enough of a nudge in the right direction. His mind would find its own space of peace in time.

Selis arrived to speak with Jonas. Jonas asked me to stay, for sake of support. Selis, the poor woman was a ball of nerves and emotions. The conversation itself was terse at first. Filled with daggered words and apologies. I felt wrong for being there at first, but even in this, wisdoms from the past whispered through me, and by leave of the two I shared such. Eventually the conversation became more relaxed and open. Most of it, I spent in quiet stitching. In hopes of easing Selis’ mind, Meri sat with them, not Sonja. It did help, and as the evening wore on, I could see where it was headed.

I finished my tea, packed away my things, spoke as my heart bid, and took my leave. My presence wouldn’t be needed further. Their hearts were set, and the steps they would take, was a path for two, not three. My worries turned to Telissa. Poor woman. My heart did break for her, but I also knew that there were some things that were unfair.

Come what may, Jonas had loved them both, but a choice had to be made. Be it Selis or Telissa, if either at all, regardless of whose heart broke in this… I would help mend it. In time each could find peace with the past, find direction in the present, and look forward to the future with hopeful hearts. I pray wisdom, mercy and forgiveness for my place in things. Mercy guide us, Mercy keep us, in the end… it will work out as it should. In the end, it is Jonas’ choice, and the heart and thoughts of he and his beloved who matter, not what others think.

I walked more through the night, unable to sleep. My thoughts were on the steps of my own path, every step as far back as I could remember, until now. How had I walked so many miles? Why? I had changed much over the years. Enduring and adapting after each trial and fork in the path. Each crossroad leaving the past behind, twisting and turning until there was no way back to the start.

So many who had crossed my path, so very many, and it marveled me. In my twenty-seventh season, and I had dealt with more than most could dare to understand. Broken and mended and Broken again, rearranged, renewed, remade… Until Meri the child was Meri the slave, and Meri the slave was Meri the initiate, from there to being a humble healer… From healer to what I was now… Scar upon scar, wisdom upon wisdom, thoughts given, taken, lost, and held to like precious breaths. I would learn to make peace with my own failings, for such is the way of things. I know my path and my place, and I know there is much left to do…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY THREE: WHISPERS OF THE DEAD

‘Adequate disguise. Might have fooled a fool or two.’

The whisper came from beside me, as my back was firmly against the cliff face. I had been staring at the water for hours with a great deal of thought to keep me company. It was hard to be who I was not. Very few had seen through the ruse. Those that had, were those I knew well, and trusted… those very few. Sonja was careful to avoid Meri’s haunts… mostly. I had sneaked my way into the temple several times to visit and check on Tessian, but I was careful, and prayed that was enough. Still, best to remain calm and not let on that anything was amiss. Perhaps the stranger was bluffing. Still, my posture became notably more defensive. I tucked as much rock on my exposed sides, kept my eyes and ears trained on the voice that whispered to me.

‘Fear not, this shadow is not here to haunt you indefinitely. I require... information and nothing else for now.’

‘Why would I help a total stranger without the graces to at least make a proper introduction?’

He said nothing. He did however step from the shadows that hid him. Covered head to toe in white garb, unmarked, naught but eyes to be seen, and he stood just out of reach. It wasn’t a Hin, wasn’t a thief, wasn’t Bhaal’s assassins… ‘Information’ … Candlekeep wasn’t far. He appeared alone, but that meant nothing. He was also between myself and my exit. Great.

‘So what do you want. I am busy.’

To say there were terse words exchanged would be understating the obvious. He spoke of various things that had happened in the past, and then began making his demands.

‘You -will- tell me what you know about them… I would not leave any details out if I were you.’

‘They can rot for all I care. As for you--’

‘All the more reason to assist us.’

‘I don't take kindly to demands from strangers. You want something -ask nicely-.’

‘And I don’t take kindly to those who assist ones such as these. I didn’t drag you someone dark and damp. That is as much kindness you will get out of me.’

My eyes narrowed. The implications in that statement… The whole conversation. Who in all of Mercy stood there? Who was he to know so much, ask so much, and offer only threats in turn. He seemed both familiar… in a nagging way… and complete unknown. It was nerve wracking.

‘If you think I assisted them because it amuses me... then you are an idiot. I assist if that is what you want to call it... as little as possible to keep others safe. As absolutely little as possible. I know little more than whispers in shadows.’

‘Whispers can travel very far.’

The conversation then became a word match of wit. Whoever he was he knew my method of hiding the truth. He knew I worked by whatever means, right or not to keep people safe, to uphold an oath.

‘Have we met before?’

‘A perceptive woman aren’t you.’

I had no reason to lie, after all, if he had a means to settle things with them, so be it. At this point I didn’t care. I had only been involved as needs must to keep people safe, and I did not regret that. If recent rumors and whispers were to be believed… Something had to be done. I couldn’t do it, if someone else did… But I couldn’t offer him more than what I had already. So our game of words grew more tense. I in my worry, he in his frustration. The game was dangerously close to far too dangerous.

‘If I have found you, and they have not. I have leverage. Very good to know... Perhaps a new threat. I will alert the world to your farce, if you do not assist me.’

‘What the hells else do you want?! I am so -sick- of threats!’

I knew I should have held my temper. Mercy forgive. I am so very tired. This is to be my rest. Rest? Peace? Are they fairy tales? He chuckled at my outburst. Again the nagging familiarity.

‘You must know more about them. Places! Where did you meet them? Names? Anything! Think back. Remember that which was forgotten.’

‘Some things are better forgotten... Safer…’

‘Safer for the likes of those I want information on. Not however... safer for you.’

‘Safer for others... my safety never mattered much. I am not lying to you! You have everything I know. I know faces. Faces I never see anymore. You want to chase shadows fine! Go look in the blasted dark! If they needed something they always came to me, most of the time I didn’t even know they were there. They lurk and eavesdrop.’

‘Faces. Sketches. Give them to me.’

My anger boiled and bubbled. He -did- know me... too well. What right did he have to demand such. To threaten and demand. I was furious. I was worried. For once I wished for the cadre of over protective guards and fawning suitors. For some random passerby even. I prayed, but could not call forth some sort of saving grace to gain the upper hand in this. I did not move to comply with his demand, and his eyes narrowed on me. I told him he had no right to anything so precious as my own thoughts. I had a book full of faces, but no way to know which was the faces he sought. I would not play his be-damned game. There was more interrogation, but I had no other answers.

‘Perhaps I miscalculated... but it is wrong to offer something and not commit to it. Gives us a bad name. Goodbye Merielle. Enjoy the last moments of your peace while you have them. And next time, bleach or cut the hair, and use a mask.’

So he did know me! And meant to follow through on one or all of his threats. To the Hells with him then. He can rot with those he seeks. I would see him again later that day as he wanted to know if I remembered anything else. It would not be until after two pots of tea, and sitting in on an Elven meeting, that my thoughts would work through it to the truth of it.

Cold and dead in all but the body. The eyes, empty. He wasn’t the man I knew anymore. All that was once a loyal friend and dear ally was gone or so buried it would be difficult to find ever again. All that was left was anger, destructive and hateful… and a thirst for vengeance, a twisted perversion of justice…

‘He is Dead Merielle, you would do well to remember that…’

Indeed. All that remained now was a thug in white robes. I look back on so much that was a solid friendship. The diamond necklace he had given me for my birthday, the embodiment of that friendship, of the things we had done to help one another… like the resurrection of his son… or all the times he defended me, even against Abby and Rente before they came round… It was a mockery.

‘My heart will forever break for your sake friend…’

Some things are also less painful when forgotten. I will either bury the trinket, or perhaps give it to his wife and son that he turned from… maybe the gold its worth will be more useful to them than the memories are to me.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY FOUR: THE DEMONESS AND THE DREAMERS

A day of firsts. I tried chocolate in a drink Selah called a Faerûnian Mudslide. It was a delicious thing, but… Well. Something to be cautious of. Reminder from here on out, just because you don’t taste the alcohol, and don’t feel drunk… after two? Stop. Definitely do not have six. Ever. It was a lovely festival, and I remember none of it. I am told there was even a minotaur, claiming to be a friendly coinsure of the artistic facets of life, as well as friendly, and seeking a home… I wonder just how much of what drink that Winthrop served?

After a restorative and a cup of tea, I made my way hastily back toward Baldur’s Gate. My steps were swift. Perhaps too swift to avoid a watchful eye. Fortunately this eye was a friendly one, and one that understood the value of being unknown. I could have worried about it, but I didn’t. I had gotten word that Tessian was awake.

I slipped into the city, unknown and unnoticed. For a change it was something besides fear that gave speed to my steps. For once. He was still feverish, and despite the efforts of the sisters and I, the source of the illness could not be found. His waking moments were distracted beyond reason, his sleep… restless. In the time it took me to wind my way to the temple, he had fallen back into an uneasy sleep. He is difficult to wake, but he seems to be strengthening a bit. Keeping him focused on eating and drinking helps. When I sit in the chair by his bedside he rests well, peaceful and unbothered.

After ruling out everything else, we were almost certain it was some sort of possession. Valerius offered help, and I accepted, not sure what else to be done. So I sent word to Valerius. I knew the exception he was making for my sake, and he had no idea what it meant to me. I never thought I would see the day when breakfast would pass untouched… or the day he would eat it without much gusto. Still at least today he had eaten a relatively full meal. We passed the time in slow conversation, often needing refocused. Regardless, the day passed into night.

I stepped out long enough to get some more tea, and when I returned he had fallen asleep. Try as I might, I could not help but hate whatever this was. Keeping him prisoner to his thoughts and dreams. Was it selfishness? Jealousy? Or just the fact that I missed his laughter? I loved him, so much more than was measurable… and I hated myself for it. Just the fact that I held him dear cursed him readily enough. Betrothed, and marked for death by those that hate me the most… At risk merely because it was he who held the heart of a Living Saint. Many had said as much, even before we had become so close. Which is the greater cruelty? Loving him, and being loved in turn… or turning him away to keep him safe?

Was it enough to warn him? I should have told him no… maybe I should still? The Bastards the lot of them! Bhaalist, Thayan, Drow, even the hosts of the lower planes, enemies unseen, unknown… Bastards! What right do they have to make me choose?! Is it so wrong to be human? Mercy of Ilmater… Have I not always held to my path? May I not take the smallest measure of mercy for myself? The Willing Servant… and it is not her place to question. The Chosen of Ilmater… if asked to give all but her soul will do so for the benefit of those in need of Mercy. Living Saint, marked marred and hunted by the ill of the realms, and she will endure… But what of Meri? The woman, the healer… the human? Mercy I beg you, do not let me lose myself… Spare me this one thing, and forgive me if it is not my place to ask. I love him. Forgive the weakness if it is… give me strength. The choice has been made. I love him. To the Hells with those who would harm him for such! If they cannot see well enough to leave well alone, then I will stand. I will not lose him.

My thoughts were promptly interrupted as my efforts to wake him had a most unexpected result. He woke and smiled for the smallest span of moments before I found myself, rather suddenly, in a … rather passionate embrace. Brief though it was… the implication, and a number of other things, as well as the fact that he was not asleep and effected by dreams, left us both in quiet silence for a long span of time.

He felt bad for the minor trespass. I felt a great number of things. Apologies offered and forgiven in awkward quiet, each working through thoughts, or trying to gather the shattered bits at least. Not sure what else to do, and not wishing to prolong the awkward silence, I changed the subject to Valerius. As the conversation moved away from the kiss, we sought some tea. When all else fails, including conversation, tea is a grand thing. We would have taken a walk… Still it would be odd for Sonja to be seen holding hands while taking a rather romantic, moonlit walk with a man engaged to a priestess…

Fortunately we were spared finding ways to fill the unsettling silences by the arrival of Valerius and Jonas. Right. It was time to get rid of the demon or demoness possessing him. I have performed or helped with several exorcisms, but never without my divine gifts, never was it on someone so dear as Tessian is. I was terrified for him. I managed to keep a brave enough face for his sake… and we readied ourselves. Plans set, the ritual began, and was going … well? But nothing happened. No demon fought to maintain foothold, no seductress came to lay claim to his soul. Nothing.

This left us with something unaccounted for or something mundane. Valerius thought perhaps it was an ailment, an imbalance of nourishment or sleep. Surely if it were so simple we would have caught it. Still it was more than evident that he wasn’t possessed. That was a good thing right? Of course it was. But if it wasn’t that, then what? Well that question lead to all manner of discussions about … marriage. Of course Valerius handled it mostly, in that impartially bookish manner, that I appreciated for once. It was by Mercy more than anything that Tessian and I were left to talk.

And talk we did. We tip-toed our way into the kitchen to munch on apples and toast. The sun would rise in a few hours. In the meantime, we whispered quietly so as not to wake the others. We talked of so many things. The uneasy subjects left for another time. We talked of wedding things. Magnolias, chamomile, and Tessian wanted roses that matched the color of my hair. We talked of silly things, pancakes and secret hiding places. We talked of a house. Not just any house, but a home, with a fine kitchen for cooking breakfast in, and a garden. Of promises to avoid romance, that had been abandoned in time. So many Joys… but to think of a home, and a family… My heart stills at the thoughts.

What a thought. A home. He had mentioned room for children. Be they children we take in, or [dare I hope] children of our own? It is a grand dream. A wonderful and bright hope in the minds of two dreamers. Be patient and endure… Peace waits. Shadows will pass. I will find out what troubles him, we will outlive our enemies, even if on faith and faith alone. There is Mercy enough for me in this world… Though I wonder if I shall have to lay low all the ills in the world, and hide, just to find and keep it. There is hope, and Mercy will prevail in the end… in that, I will be content. He is not plagued by possession, and illness has been ruled out. We will seek the trouble. We will mend it.

Finally exhaustion took hold just before dawn. It had occurred to me that I had hardly rested since beginning my Plea. He looked at me seriously

‘I'm no paladin.’

‘That isn't a bad thing. Besides I love you for what you are... not what you aren't.’

‘No, but it sure would help.’

‘You are still a grand fellow I think.’

‘Yes...but too weak-willed from long years of evading responsibility.’

‘I don't think its as weak as you think it is.’

‘I'm not doing well on the willpower front.’

‘Practice makes perfect. It will get better... things always do.’

He looked at me, his face a mix of things and spoke haltingly.

‘I'll try not to let her consume my thoughts. But...I don't know if you can imagine how satisfying it is to let her. I just... I need to learn to value the future, not just the present.’

Then he fell silent, his expression taking on a softer note. The endearing expression was for me, and it was that which made it worth it. I couldn’t help but smile. Even in the shadows, there was always hope.

‘I almost wonder what you are thinking…’

‘The Future.’

‘Some futures are worth waiting for.’

‘Yes they are… Yes, they are.’

There was a pause as I tidied up the kitchen. He held the door open for me with that goofy smile of his. As we walked off he spoke quietly:

‘I love you, not her.’

‘I love you too, and only you.’

With that he went to sleep. I sat there some time and watched him rest. Protective wards were put in place, and Sister Juna urged me to at least nap. I couldn’t sleep. And now I am out of things to write. I will check on him, and maybe go for a walk. In the end there is only mercy.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY FIVE: WAKING NIGHTMARE

My wanderings found me at the merchant camp. I hadn’t slept, I tried, but when I sleep all I hear is the agonized screams of children. It had once again been too long since my last moment of proper rest. My thoughts were vaguely understandable at best. There was a fairly good crowd of folks about the merchant camp, clustered in groups and chatting about various things. Twilight was settling on the coast. Tehil stood nearby making idle conversation when my eye caught a small child.

The child stood there a long moment, and in a scream of pain, died and disappeared. I blinked confused. I thought perhaps my mind was playing a trick on me, but it happened again… and I wasn’t the only one to notice it. Slowly the conversations quieted around me. Eyes transfixed on the spot where the children had stood and fell. It was an eerie quiet, and underneath it was a whisper:

‘saintmerisaintmerisaintmeri…’

An undercurrent of whispered voices, not in unison, until it became a whispering roar in my ears… I struggled to draw myself above it. I felt like I was drowning in it. No one else heard anything but deafening silence. The whispers grew sharp and cruel before they died all at once. The silence was unfathomable.

Then Children started appearing in rows of two on either side of the road leading to the bridge. The sensation of the blood draining away, that tunneled feeling right before one passes out… I heard the others telling the children to go home, the guards chasing away beggers, people trying to rationalize the unnaturally large children that seemed to appear out of no where. People prayed, wondered which god had been angered. The children stood silently. Silent and… I shuddered. They looked to me with blank eyes, and twisted smiles. I struggled to stay standing, and I actually wandered if I had not fallen asleep. Another dream? They assured me I was awake. Had I passed out? My imagination, some stress-borne horror?

‘I had a nightmare like this once…’

My voice sounded as though it came from far away, from a small space… from a grave…The chill that wrapped itself around me left me shaking to the point that I was sure my teeth would shatter. If this was my nightmare… then how were they all seeing it? I felt Ivaris’ hand on my shoulder, and he and Tehil had taken more protective positions near me. They each spoke.

‘What’s next?’

‘In your dream?’

‘…it ... went very badly…’

I was choking. Suffocating. And he laughed. That shrill, cruel laughter. Some watched, some spoke still of angry gods toppling cities, I heard it, most of it… because the laughter stopped as Tehil and Ivaris looked at me questioningly. I closed my eyes. I could not bear the stares of the children. Maybe if I closed my eyes… it was a dream… it wasn’t real. It wasn’t.

‘…They died… I am not moving… not at all. Because that is when they died…’

It was a child’s laughter that sent my eyes open… a cheery chuckle, the way they laugh when chasing fireflies. I looked at the child as he walked slowly away from the others. He appeared as a normal, happy child. He stood there, laughing that happy laugh as the others slowly started to twist in pain and fade. They didn’t die… they just… disappeared. There was a call somewhere for them to guard me as darkness enveloped the small child, who had stopped laughing. His stare left my blood cold. Cold. I never feel cold. I was freezing. I called for the others to back up… and so did many others. Then… the twists of pain, they each took form one at a time, in so much pain… and they died. The sounds of their voices rose and fell in some painfully sad chorus. One at a time. I winced and writhed, but couldn’t escape it. I couldn’t wake… if I was sleeping at all. I pleaded for it to stop, I closed my eyes and I prayed… and they died.

'What happens after they die Saint?’

I couldn’t speak. Eyes closed I listened to the others argue about the heartlessness of the Fist for dying children, and other things… angry voices from many directions, but none of them could drown out the screams and whispers that had created some sort of twisted rhythm and harmony for a melody of malice that the laughter had taken on…

‘Please… Stop… Stop fighting! Stop it! All of you! Stop killing them! STOP. Please… Mercy of Ilmater…Its not funny!’

My words… directed at the others, at the voices echoing through me. The laughter grew to a deafening crescendo and died so very suddenly I though I had gone deaf. I was crying. I tried to rationalize what was going on, and draw strength from somewhere, and all I found was fear. Until it all stopped. All at once, there were no children… no more sounds, real or imagined. The others theorized and looked about worriedly. It was Tehil who saw the boy come across the bridge. He walked toward us, and I watched horrified. It was Tehil who spoke:

‘ ‘ey there little one.’

The boy reached out and tugged on my sleeve… started pulling me across the road, and while my mind screamed against it… my feet followed… until he stopped on the other side of the road, he let go of my sleeve and stepped away a few steps, turned, looked at me, and before there was time to react… he too, fell and died. This time though… the body did not fade. I watched as Tehil gently lifted the boy up. I could not move, speak, think. Numb… it wasn’t cold anymore. Someone took the child to bury him I am told. I was also was told that there was an odd attack as I walked. I walked south, with a group intent on keeping me safe… I don’t really remember it. Things were a blur until, several cups of tea later, there was a table full of folks, and onlookers about the inn at Candlekeep.

Winthrop was keeping me from running out of scalding tea. I don’t know how many cups I drank before I finally felt the warmth return to me, and while focus was slowly improving… My mind still scattered. The others were greatly troubled by what they had seen. I was troubled by what I had seen, heard, and by the knowledge that it was as if someone had walked the nightmare with me… and played it out for fun, twisting it subtly. The others asked of the nightmare, and I told them of it. There was much conversation, but so much of it was a blur. I couldn’t focus. Selah and Joan, Jonas, a great boon to my spirits. Siomir, Rith, Ivaris stayed close, as well as several that Siomir and Rith trusted. Slowly as the hours passed, I regained composure completely.

I thought to avoid sleep, but I see it matters not if I sleep or don’t. Am I losing my mind? When that which torments me in rest, also touches my waking moments… am I losing my mind, or is it a cruel trick by a foe? The others kept my mind heavily warded. In safe company, and protected… I finally slept. The nightmare replaying itself, a melding of the original nightmare and the waking one. Try as I might, I was too exhausted to wake from the uneasy rest.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY SIX: MENDING THE PIECES AND THE REFLECTIONS

The day passed in relative ease, contrast to most days. It was pleasant. The weather was grand, the company was cheerful, and I had taken time to recollect my scattered thoughts. Some meditation brought me more to where I wished to be spiritually. I spent a good deal of time with Tessian and we enjoyed a very pleasant brunch. By the time evening was approaching, I was in pleasant spirits and clear mind.

This passage will be abysmally short, so I will fill it with my thoughts since I have idle time. The only thing of note, aside from a nice nap with no nightmares, is that Selis and Jonas had some sort of disagreement. It had left Jonas quite torn. There was also some sort of misunderstanding with Selah. I was starting to think that for me to have peace, the whole world needed to be at odds. However, the truth of it is, things are as they are. I offered kind words where I could as I gathered the pieces of the disagreement together, to fit what had occurred together.

A friend of mine used to say that Ruthlessness was the Mercy of the Wise. Wthyran could not have more clearly illustrated that. Me for all my gentle words were not nearly as effective as the sour Elven man’s own words. Abrasive yes, but where Jonas was concerned, very helpful. After a few tense moments, and harsh words, peace was again found. The evening then passed in pleasant conversation. To round out the wonder of a good day: A full night’s sleep.

The boon of the day has left me well rested and renewed. Rest. And it took me just over half my tenday. All is well that ends well in Mercy’s Hands.
~~

The Call of the Faithful:
“Help all who hurt, no matter who they are. The truly holy take on the suffering of others. If you suffer in his name, Ilmater is there to support you. Stick to your cause if it is right, whatever the pain or peril. There is no shame in a meaningful death. Stand up to all tyrants, and allow no injustice to go unchallenged. Emphasize the spiritual nature of life over the existence of the material body.”

I have been taught in my nearly five years of freedom what this means. Today my meditations were reflections on what I have learned.

Help all who hurt no matter who they are. There is no exclusion to this command. The laws of man may try to, the judgments of others may seek to, but Ilmater bids us help all no matter who…
If someone ails, aid them. Regardless of heritage, blind to all but suffering. If the truly remorseful wish to make amends, offer the mercy of forgiveness. If the heart breaks, offer the mercy of comfort. If they are lost, offer the mercy of guidance. If they are ill offer the mercy of a healing hand. If they weep, offer the mercy of joy. If they are lost to anger, teach them the mercy of peace. If the suffering can be mended, do so, not because it is right or wrong… simply because we are to do so. The Hand of Mercy only sees the suffering, and how to mend it.

Be slow to anger, slow to strike. The Open Hand. If one must strike with closed fist. Know why. Know there was no other choice. In defense. Never without just cause never on hearsay, never out of anger. Never be first to strike. The Hand of Mercy is gentle first, protective second, and defensive as a last resort.

Stand by just cause, unfaltering in your path. By faith there is strength. Those who seek to endure will see the end of the path, will stand long after the opposition has fallen. Suffer as you must, never by your own hand, but to ease the suffering of others. In this we are granted sufferance.

Mercy is humble, quiet, peaceful, Mercy does not judge. Mercy sees only the suffering and the path to end it. The body is merely the vessel of the soul, keep well, respect it, but know that the soul and its health holds above the material world. Be well in spirit, mind, and the body will follow. To live simply is to live well.

Stand strong against those who would withhold mercy. Against those known to cause suffering for the sake of it, without cause, and unjustly. No injustice goes unchallenged. Act in this only while upholding the other tenets of the faithful. To the enemies of Mercy and Unjust Tyrants offer the Mercy of Swift Death when redemption is not possible.

Long have I defended this since leaving the temple. My God, bids me be a beacon to Mercy. To guide. To teach Mercy in all forms. During my training… when I was still a wide-eyed girl marveling at freedom, I was asked which, if not all three, of the sacred oaths I would take: Peace, Poverty, Purity. Lady Iliara always bid me follow my faith first, and my heart second. I felt unworthy of the oath of Purity. I did not take a oath of Poverty that I may use my gain to ease the burdens of others. Peace… I had almost taken the oath. The night before my rites, during my meditations, I was told not to do so.

‘Your paths will lead you through darkness and shadow. I will ever be with you, but your hand will not always be open. Go forward child, and wait. Be mindful, and I will guide you.’

Brother Dracius had said that I was destined for a different path, and from that night forth, my training was anything but traditional. In four years I was taught much, in all aspects of Ilmater. True, I was no miracle touting cleric. I was not much good in a fight, not the best healer, not even considered a perfect Ilmatari in all those years.

‘Peace Rosy. Peace. You follow your faith, and your heart. Keep your mind and spirit open to the will of the Broken One. You must learn to let go of your anger. Be slow to act. Slow and calm. Your temper will destroy you… your anger will undo you.’

Lady Iliara would laugh about my quick temper. I was open to the paths before me, even though I knew not what they were. How strange those days were. To learn that life was not the measure of bread crumbs one could find, or counted by the days between lashings. To think, to -think- for myself… was so strange. The first fifteen years gone. One year as an plaything for Amnian nobles, one year as a tool to a mad wizard and four as an inconvenience, then a tool, finally the bane of the Matron Mother… to all the sudden be something more than that… The Willing Servant. To ease the ills of others that they may know a peace and comfort I did not. To mend what was broken with a joyful heart.

Then all those months ago I woke. I had learned all I could there between Trademeet and Damara. I had just begun to grasp and understand the divine energy that came naturally to me, that was as much a part of me as my need to breathe. And the only real home I had ever known… Asked to leave it. To step out of the temple, to learn to walk my own path, as my own person. It seems like years ago, not months. I look back on the passages, the pages of maps and faces, bits of memory pressed between the pages. Into my twenty-seventh season, and still so much to learn. So many more steps to take. The span of road before me is daunting… but sometimes its hard to even take a few steps… other times I wish to run the span of distance…

There have been other commands in my time since coming to the coast. Many of them were difficult, some were painful beyond measure. By strength of faith, and those dear. With the Hand of Mercy at my Back… forward, as faith and heart bid. Sometimes I feel like that scared little girl I have never quite grown out of, but at least I know, that no matter the Shadows in my path… I have never walked alone. Mercy guides and Mercy keeps me, and for that I am grateful. In the end there is only Mercy, for Mercy will prevail. In that I am content. Yes. Blessing or Bane, memories are precious, and regardless of the trials of my path, I walk, doing the best I can, oath, faith, and as bidding of he who sees more clearer than I do, and in that… I am content.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY SEVEN: TEMPERS AND THE TEMPERAMENTAL

The day started out well enough. Finally had all the pieces to the conflict between Selis and Jonas. Speaking with all sides in it by the middle of the afternoon, one thing became clear. Mistakes were made, miscommunications, and people were upset and hurt…and still in love. Whether or not they stayed in love was anyone’s guess, but everyone needed to talk. Not all at once, not screaming matches, but actual talking.

So in a less than patient manner, I got the important ones together, apologized for my trespass and left them to themselves. Whatever path they take is up to them. I wash my hands of it. If they talk and decide its done, fine. At least there are no loose ends, and they can move on with closure intact. If it did lead to mending, grand. Which as the night went on… would seem so. His mood was much improved by the time my own temper was distracting me until the bond faded all together for a time. Good. He deserves a measure of happiness. They both do.

I spent the rest of the afternoon at the temple with Tessian. I wish I knew for sure what to do to help him. Its driving me crazy. I hate being idle. I hate sitting when I could find something to do. It doesn’t help that this hasn’t been exactly the easiest thing to do. All I have ever known it work or duty. What is the difference? Work is done because one must. Duty is the toil of the heart. I miss the purpose that comes from duty and its only been seven days. I had a thought today… Who is Meri? Who is she really? I have always known my roles, done as I should, as bid, expected, asked, for the better of others… what have I ever done because I wanted to? Not because I needed to? I thought of one thing. I love Tessian. That I do because I want to. Which is why this mysterious ailment is driving me to madness! If it is a demon of some sort… I pray I get the chance to send it whence it came, follow it home, and utterly destroy it!

Yes. The idle time is starting to get to me. And I have three more days. Mercy of Ilmater give me the strength to sit still… to be at rest and at peace. If I could catch Sister Abby, I would ask how she filled her tenday. Perhaps it was this restlessness in combination with my frustration for Tessian’s sake left me slightly more moody than usual. I know a Plea gives us leave of things, so that we may do as we wish, but I am content in not punching every rude, crude, crass horrid sort, just because I can. Anger is destructive. I did not wish to seek a path that would leave me in error by the time my Plea is done.

So I walked. Chatted, tried to avoid harsh subjects, painful ones, ones that would shatter the tentative control I held. I must say, I held my temper better than I imagined I could. Why was I so cranky anyway? Because I had a nice day yesterday and expected a not so nice one today? Not exactly. I rested… more in the last few tumultuous days than I have in months. I was ready to get back to … something. Something to do. I felt like I was sitting on my hands while the whole of the world spun away from me. There were more than enough dangers, more than enough to do… and yet here I sat. At least Siomir Rith make good company. The Elven camp is a peaceful place. Mostly.

Until the topic turns to my refusal to act in a way not right by my path. Slow to anger, never to judge. They mistake it for trust. I do not judge, look away from that which doesn’t seem threatening because Mercy knows there are plenty of more immediate threats out there. Still the conversation was only a bit of intelligent debate at first. Then Rai and Deva joined us. Rai I can deal with. Deva… he has been Hells bent on riling me to the point of lashing out since the Plea started. I was of course content to not allow it. A good test of patience. This night the game set in my favor, and blast that Elf, he knows which buttons to push. The tone of the day, the present conversation, and Rai bent on helping Deva with his eloquent point... It was a lost battle before it started. But my own pride wouldn't let me admit to it. Fortunately Pride is forgiven on Plea...

The debate got a bit more terse. Then less of a debate and more of a helpful lecture on my over trusting tendency. Call it what you will, I did understand their point. Like it or not, there are those who do not play by the rules… and those content to rewrite them as they see fit. If I am to stand, even with my faith, I must adapt to endure. I understand that. What they do not understand is that I am oath-bound to uphold Ilmater’s Dogma. More so now that I bear such title in the faithful. Yes they are right to say that I must guard my actions because so many look to the Chosen Living Saint of Ilmater… I must uphold the teachings. That is my path… I can not falter or waver, yield to that simply because it is easier. Just because your enemy cheats at cards does not mean you should cheat in turn. Wait. If you don’t wish to lose the coin, don’t gamble… Do not act without just cause and clear proof or your intent is lost.

The exchange was become much more pointed, rather personal, and my temper… I was saying things less than lady-like, of course… it was in measure with what was being said. I knew aside from his less than polite way of trying to make his point… that he was trying to anger me. I tried. Truly I did. I ignored his crassness. I attempted to keep my tone and words civil. I refused to lash out just because I had no oath holding me in check. The conversation continued. I found myself having trouble focusing on keeping my less than dignified anger in check, focus on the double-edged, daggered words, and manage to sort the point behind the pointed words. It was late, and my mood was sour still from earlier. I struggled for balance. Blast him. Even after he had made his point, he kept on.

I should have walked away, but I doubt that would have turned out much better. So I sat, silent. I spoke when needs must, when an answer was prudent more than silence. He questioned my oaths about not striking first. And with a hard jab to the stomach he sought to draw the out lashing he sought. Every adage about anger ran through my mind. Focus… was useless. A losing battle. Well meaning as he was, for that moment I hated him.

‘Your oaths don't let you defend yourself?’

‘It is not my place to judge without cause and I am not to strike first without being struck. My oath allows -only- for defense.’

‘That's moronic. How do you people have paladins? Does this count as a strike?’

‘They do not stand under the same oaths.’

‘What about putting you in chains? Is that good enough?’

To an outside observer… that was the moment the threads of control began to fray. Siomir noticed. His actions, though I was barely aware of them at the time, were in response to what everyone could no doubt see. My words held venom now… not enough for one so skilled, but Selah would have been oddly proud. To look back on it… the only time I was ever more angry than that, was when the children were in danger. I feel foolish looking on it now. The only thing in danger was my pride… I -let- myself lose my temper. I failed myself in that. Regardless of the intent in it. And we were not nearly finished yet.

‘I act as faith and heart bid, and I do not question duty. I do not question the faith I was taught, the tenets and dogma, the oaths. That does not mean I will stand idly by and be bound -ever- again. Even Ilmater knows that! I will not sit here and let you anger me for sport!’

‘And how far is too far? Attacking your faith apparently isn't. Attacking your friends apparently isn't. What does someone have to do to actually set you off?’

‘I have defended faith and friend. I will do so without hesitation, gladly. Violence isn‘t the only means to solve a problem you know! I don't see how striking out just because I feel threatened or mildly slighted is cause to run around angry all the time throwing punches because I can.’

'Oh, -sod- the mystical bull and -do something-! You could have taken the kid so far away nobody would have ever found him. Instead you trusted him to people I wouldn't trust to find their rears with both hands and a map.'

I know now… I should have refused to lead along side of Jonas. I knew with that blasted Bhaalist wizard about that he wasn’t safe at Candlekeep, or with the Fist or anywhere… I should have been with him. I really should have. In that I trusted… yes… foolishly. It cost me dearly. I couldn’t keep the flinch from his words. I had made a mistake… and my punishment was to lose that which I held most dear.

Since then I trusted none to even half that. The red-haired elf didn’t know that… he went on what he saw, and indeed, I had taken care to make it seem as though I was still so swift to trust… There wasn’t much left to lose. I knew I had to be careful. More than they realized. Did they even know how I felt? Bothered to ask? No. Those that judge never do. Mercy does not Judge!

‘Oh, that one hurt, did it?’

He had no idea… I lost focus. Our exchange continued. The threads frayed. I was barely aware of what he said further… what I said in reply. There was talk of me being beyond less than perfect, by my own words, and he kept his needling. How it wasn’t my place to decree and decry people their lives, their paths, what they choose to fight or not fight. Counters… good ones… I remained quiet.

‘Fine. I get it. You don't have enough people dedicated to your utter destruction. None of that compels you to defend yourself or be on guard.’

‘What the hells do you want me to say? that I will walk from here and kill the first one who looks at me cross ways because he might be a threat?!’

‘I want you to acknowledge that danger comes in more forms than the immediate and physical.’

‘I -know- that. I don’t know what else to do. All I have is my faith, and what I learn as I go along!’

‘Fine. You want a bad guy.’

He landed a slap squarely. He had said he would have done as much. Had I not been so busy trying to not be angry, maybe I would have swung first. He could not have landed a better placed slap either. Right across the wound granted me by my Bhaalist hosts, still tender to slight contact, let alone a full blown slap. It was utterly blinding.

Thought was lost to reaction and before my sight cleared I had knocked him hard in the jaw and gut. It was sheer instinct. How I managed to land two good blows not seeing what I was doing, I can’t say. Perhaps he didn’t dodge them. My reward for putting up with it? I didn’t care then. He doubled over from the blow to his kidney, laughing. I considered throwing another punch… but that would have been out of anger, and not in defense… I wasn’t about to give him that much. Ass of an Elf. Even as he sat there spitting blood he grinned. He moved to sit, still half doubled over. I sat too, with less ladylike grace than I intended. I shot him an indignant glare. And he answered me with that irritating grin of his.

‘Damn you!’

‘Feel Better?’

While the exchange continued… things calmed significantly. One more point at the expense of the robes I wore… which I stitched up as the exchanged continued. He was right. Prevention is action… and sometimes the best one… but -I- cannot be the one to strike first. -I- cannot act without cause. It goes against oaths taken at the very base of Mount Martyrdom… at the very feet of Ilmater! I was bid to seek help, to do what I could, and allow those who could, do their part. I don’t like it. It feels like asking people to die for my sake… and that kills a part of me inside… but I must walk -my- path. I must not falter. Cannot waver. Otherwise all of those that they say look to me so readily… Gods the height some hold me to terrifies me. If I fall, will they stand? If I waver, then they waver… and if none of us stand on our path because we start thinking its okay to smudge the lines for the sake of convenience… Then we have lost.

I was cranky of course. It showed. I looked back at Siomir with a glare, and spoke rather harshly. Lucky for me he is a forgiving enough sort for my sake.

‘Are you going to hover all night or must I punch you too in order to get a moment's peace?'

He chuckled and replied good naturedly, moving away as asked, even as Deva smarted off and got an even sharper reply in turn.

‘Definitely punch.’

‘I didn't ask you!’

‘Natural redhead to the last, huh?’

I glowered. Smug Bastard. I wanted to hit him... I would have settled for kicking him... throwing a rock. Stop. Mind your temper! Blast my conscience. The conversation continued, Deva and Rai took off, Rith chased Deva, no doubt to give him an earful or two. I felt bad for punching him, even if he deserved it. I shouldn’t have let it happen.

Won’t call his bluff… he apparently doesn’t bluff. It was a learning experience… and once I get over being angry at him, I will forgive his crass arrogance, take my lesson from it, and thank him. Right now … I really wanted to just hit him a few more times. Temper Meri. Temper. Rith returned, the sting of the slap subsided, though the scar still pained me when I spoke. It would mend. Should be fine by morning.

'I ask you one question. Did you accept the calling? I think the answer is obvious, but still.'

‘I wouldn’t have thought to say no.’

‘Are you Ilmater's slave, or his servant?’

‘The servant does so gladly. I am content to do what I can, to do my best.’

‘Out of love?’

What a silly question. I did not even hesitate.

‘Of course out of love. My heart and soul were freely given years ago. I have never suffered where he has not been there to ease my pains, never known joy he has not shared. He is not a cruel god to serve. His is a gentle hand in a cruel world.’

‘If so, then you are his servant. Not slave.’

‘I am slave to -no one-. I refuse to be so ever again.’

Rith spoke then.

‘And.. he believes that you have what it takes obviously. The reason we are loved and needed Meri is because we have creativity… and free will. I know it's hard being thrust into a position of leadership. Despite you wanting people to or not.. they will follow you.. and do what you say.. So maybe try to lead them the right direction, make them have a better life.’

‘I was told to do what I can to the best of my ability and not waver in my path. I am to serve Mercy’s way. I was also told to accept help for what I cannot do. I have tried to do so… I know it doesn’t seem that way, but we have already established that I am a poor judge of character. I do as much as I can.’

‘You can let those who are willing to do them take action, but recognize the necessity. I do not think your god has forgotten the rule of necessity.’

The response forming in my mind was put on hold by a kiss to the cheek. His way of making peace I suppose.

‘Forgot to say goodnight.’

And with that he chuckled at my irritated glare and my own goodnight… and left me to my peace. As thoughts go, I tended to the newly arrived Selah. She was caught by wyvern sting, and the poison needed tending. But while the wound was unpleasant… I could see her heart suffered more. She spoke of leaving… which I of course discouraged. We talked a while, and at first she was content to remain, but then decided rather suddenly that she wished to go to Nashkell. I worried for her, watching her make her way out, seeming in better spirits, but I knew with her… things were not always as they appeared. My eyes shifted to where she sat. A smudged name in the sand… something beginning with an ‘A’ maybe five or six characters in length. We had spoken of her sister before… She wished peace for her thoughts, and I could respect such. I was in dire need of rest. And tea. I was content to seek her out after I rested, praying she would be well tended in the mean time. I truly lacked the ability to follow even on a short walk. I made it as far as where I started from, and we passed some more conversation as I re-secured the stitch work to the dress.

‘I know during this Plea... you have learnt a lot… Probably seen a lot more than you should of with us wanting to keep you safe.’

‘It would seem to me that the only separation from Plea and Duty is my connection to Ilmater. As much by choice as need.’

‘There is something about this plea that makes me respect you a bit more than I did already. You keep working. Even when you don't technically have to. To a lesser extent, but you still help where you can. You aren't a coward, Meri. I think that's another reason Ilmater chose you.’

‘There are people who suffer more than I. They do not get a break, or a Plea, or even a portion of the help I could have just by asking… and ... you wouldn't say -that- if you knew how much and how often, over how many things that I did fear.’

‘Fear isn't what makes one a coward. Letting it rule you is. You don’t have that problem.’

Our conversation continued. Of knowing when and how to act. I explained my oaths. He understands that I need clear proof to act. Just cause. He has even offered to help me with that. If the time comes to act, then I wish it to be on solid footing. When it comes to finding the enemies that aren’t so obvious… I welcome the help. There are so very few I trust. I grow wary of games and tricks.

If what they say is true, and I cannot say I doubt them… Well… this is complicated, but we will sort through it. The conversation continued until the important questions were answered. Finally the need for rest could not be further put off. A gentle hand may not always be the answer, but at least I know those truly dear to me understand such, understand my place, and are -willing- to help, not because they feel obligated… but because they do care.

Mercy guide me… I may get the hang of all of this yet. If my god has faith in me… and those dear have faith in me, and the enemy is threatened enough to seek to stop me, well… then I think its safe to say… my path is in front of me… I merely need the strength to keep walking. Your Hand at my back, Ilmater. There is strength in faith. Light in hope. I do not, nor have I ever stood alone. I have been called many things, but Blessed am I to be called… friend. A Plea is not all fun and games. It is growth, learning, renewal, rest, sometimes… even duty. Whatever the next few days bring, I will stand. I will not yield my path.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY EIGHT: SCATTERED

How very confusing. Tessian is not acting like himself at all. He was at least out of bed, indeed even out of the temple. His fever seemed much improved, nonexistent. He seemed perfectly healthy. Perfectly. I should be overjoyed. I am happy he seems well. That is just it though, he -seems- well. To any other person, he undoubtedly was a perfectly healthy man. If only he was a perfectly healthy Tessian. I was greeted with a cheerful smile and a wink. His normal cheerful enthusiasm seemed to be returned to him. I smiled at first, and didn’t think much of it when he took my hand and we skipped off, for what I hoped was a much missed walk, and heartfelt chat.

My Plea was brought up and the topic of what I would do with my last two days of rest was brought to light. It was then that the thought of wrongness began to settle on me.

‘Hmm. So you are basically free to do anything then?’

‘It frees me from oaths temporarily, and from duty, within moral and probably scope of course. It allows for rest without duty. Lots of thinking and such. In truth its been... less restful than I planned... and it seems odd to not have work to do. Maybe the point is to appreciate my place.’

I was taken aback as he asked, in careful wording of course, about the more… physical aspects of a relationship. The very thing we had agreed was best saved for after the wedding. I remembered what Valerius had said. I also remembered what Tessian had said. How it was just as important to him… I blinked and grasped for an answer as he kept speaking.

‘I love you, Meri. What if one of us were to die before the wedding? It's so very possible.’

‘It is but... I thought it was important to wait?’

‘Well...I thought that ...you just... had to.’

I blinked and formed my thoughts slower than I would have liked. I had not expected this to come up. We had talked about it before... at length even.

‘My dearest, it is not an oath that we are waiting on. Just proprieties sake. It isn't only that though, it means more that way. Remember? We talked about this.’

In fact I could have sworn it was even his idea. And every time since then, when it was brought up, it was he who answered that we were waiting, never a hesitation. Besides… it seemed right for a Saint to wait… didn’t it?

‘Means more...but why? Does it mean more to be putting it off like it's something dreaded?’

‘No. Not like that at all. Its symbolic. Going into the marriage as a whole, together, not just physically, but in all things. An extension of the promise made at the alter.’

‘And if we are killed?’

The crux we lived with. The constant threat that loomed from so many directions. Still, as we had spoken, we could not let the actions of the ill at heart, effect our own.

‘I... I can't answer that. I love you Tessian. I would move the heavens before I let some harm come to you if I could. Even I don't know what is to come, but I wouldn't even let death keep you. Not from us.’

‘But you say it's "symbolic." Love and passion aren't slaves to symbols and tradition. I love you so dearly.’

The debate was well thought up. I test of resolve? Perhaps. I worked against some things I hadn’t factored in before. I managed to make my thoughts cohesive… I had wondered if or when this discussion would come up. Eye to eye with him, my numerous arguments and validations were a bit more difficult to come by. It was unnerving how that offhanded smile managed to send my thoughts skittering in all directions at the same time.

‘I love you too…’

Finally I returned to our foothold that we had the other day. I was losing ground too quickly for comfort. Back tracking seemed safest.

‘…Its something to look forward too. Some futures worth waiting for, remember?’

‘Some futures never happen…I'd never make you do anything that you don't want to do.’

‘This one will happen. We just have to be patient and stick to what we know in our hearts. I know you wouldn't. I trust you, Tessian. As much as I love you.’

More carefully placed words. Gods he had put some thought into this. It created conflict in my own thoughts. Something edged in on Meri the woman. Sound reason and principles I had lived by since my return to the surface. ‘Stick to your cause.’

‘I do look forward to it. Its hard to put into words... it really is. I've not been with another out of love or want... that wasn't forced... It is something new and treasured really. It seems important to not take from that.’

‘So why not sooner, rather than later?’

I was suddenly very aware of just how close we were, and naught but moon and stars for company. Our voices were little more than that of the rustling grasses in the breeze. Why not… dearest mercies… To say I didn’t consider it would be a lie. I was a half a step away from walking from the path in front of me. He had never looked at me that way before. It was too many thoughts at one moment to put words to, and I was working my mind against itself to maintain my argument.

‘Soon we will have a nice wedding and some time to ourselves. So very soon. The timing is less an issue than the placement and... it just seems more right to wait, to leave things more complete. We have come so far in this. It seems silly to give it up now. Waiting isn't so bad when its something nice to look forward to.’

My words were quick. He drew me in close, and my mind flashed to that surprise kiss from the other day. I prayed then, because I feared my strength lacking… especially if he kissed me then. Instead he held me close a moment and whispered so very close to my ear.

‘Very well, then, but I hope it won't be a regret.’

‘It won’t be. I love you, Tessian.’

He stepped back a bit and smiled. Then I realized I had actually held my breath. He said he had to hurry and get back to the temple before Sister Adolina realized he hadn’t finished the dishes as promised. I smiled and he hurried off. I stood there for a bit, in a sort of shock really. Then some things slowly dawned on me… He had promised to do something for Addy and then put it off? I replayed the whole thing, which had left me quite confused. And that is an understatement. Tessian has never… acted like that before… as my thoughts settled, and after talking to Joan, I came to a realization that terrified me.

Tessian wasn’t acting like himself. He wouldn’t have asked me that… to make use of my Plea for something we had agreed was so important to save for the proper time. Something wasn’t right about the whole thing. In the back of my mind I feared it had to do with this creature of his dreams, that we had yet to unravel the mystery of. Others would tell me that he was just a typical, desire driven man, that he was sick, that it was some mundane thing… I wasn’t so sure. I know Tessian. I know people will argue I don’t… but I -know-. Something was wrong.

The rest of the day passed in idle conversation. There were several veiled warnings. Foreboding hints at things to come. Whispers, talk of trust and allies, threats and unseen enemies, even enemies that move unknown… and how to catch them. Talk of proof. For many things. Coupled with my pre-dawn confusion, suspicion and worry found me easy.

Fang come to see me today too. There was of course the usual supply of alchemical and herbal findings, jerky and what not that he often brought me. But his expression and demeanor left me wondering, though not for long.

‘I am leaving Meri.’

‘Leaving?’

‘Leaving. I can’t stay here any longer…’

The conversation continued, though he kept his reasons to himself, saying only that he felt he had made an error that he could not correct. He asked me to give a blade to Cal’onna. I wrapped the blade and nodded. Fortunately, it lay in my pack well enough. Good thing too since I have not seen Cal’onna in a while, and now know that it may be a bit before she returns. Regardless I will hold the blade indefinitely if need be. Then came the part I have never been good at… the good byes. Friends are precious things, and I am loath to let go of them.

‘Thank you Meri, you have always been a good friend. Finally I ask that you tell Ivaris I have left. He will understand why I hope. Thank you Meri. I should be going now.’

‘There is always Mercy in forgiveness friend... even from ourselves. If your path ever brings you this way again... Until then may Mercy keep you.’

‘I knew you would say something like that.’

‘I mean it dear.’

‘I know you do. You always were much stronger than I.’

‘You are stronger than you think.’

‘I need to get moving. Thank you again and may the Oak Father always give you shade.’

I then spent some time in conversation with Vauk. Conflicted yet again. Rather than offer him ill advice, I urged him to seek guidance and faith. Mercy forgive me, but my mind and heart were too befuddled to offer guidance to another. How am I to lead another when I am stumbling about? Indeed the day had drained on me, and I felt as though I was standing at a forked road with too many paths and no clear choice.

Then a moment of cheer was offered. Jonas and Selis arrived. Both in grand spirits. I knew in my heart that their hearts had made the choices they were going to. I knew also that others wouldn’t like it much. Still the only ones that mattered stood before me smiling. I gave them my blessing. As sister, Sister, and as Saint, I prayed the simple binding would give them strength. They would face much together. So long as they faced it -together- they would endure, and I was content with that.

We made our way south to the Elven camp, that I may not be with out able guard while Jonas and Selis spent some time together. I should have seen the danger of such perhaps. Again, I was distracted. Jonas spoke of his path. He was my guardian still, so long as he wished it, and so long as I wished it of him. He would not however return to the Radiant Heart. Aside from that clouded moment, we made our way south with cheer and light hearts.

Of course existing conflict between some of the Elves, Selis, and her relation to Jonas… there was conflict. It saddens me to say that it was most unpleasant. A setback only perhaps. Though I am not sure how to mend all sides in this. Selis and Jonas must be allowed to do as they choose, regardless of the opinions of well wishing friends. The well wishing friends must learn to allow them their choices, good or ill, and allow them to learn from them as they will. Selis must learn to harden her heart to the opinion of others. I know as a performer she should work to make others happy, but she need not -live- at their whim. She is an actress, not a puppet. If she lets their thoughts rule her so, she will never be happy. Jonas must seek his path, and learn to accept it for what it is. I have faith it will work out as it should given enough time and patient care.

As the day wore on I finally let my thoughts settle some. I also spoke at long last to Wthyran. Questions long since unanswered were brought to light. I see in this sharp-edged Elven man a measure of mercy that even he is unaware of. Whether he sees it or not, he has shown me many kindnesses. A first for him. Symbolized in the simple ring he wears, and the one gifted to me. I wear it with Jonas’ signet ring. Mercy has found this servant of the Black Archer, even if it is specific and foreign to him. Once again I offered him a mercy he denies himself, and for once he said he would consider letting me mend some of his wounds. I assured him the reminder of those wounds was one thing, and he could keep that. Without suffering them daily. I pray for him. He would be better for it I think. More focused than he thinks himself now. Time will tell. It reveals all things.

The night passed in conversation then. Some of it was teasing, cheerful. Most of it was pleasant. I even spoke some of my fears and such. Came to terms with some thoughts I had not. It had been a day. I think it has touched on each facet of emotion possessed by any soul… for more than just myself. The whole day left me feeling as though my whole mind had been taken and tossed like dry leaves into a windstorm. Things had been touched on before, thoughts and emotions that were best left pushed aside.

Uneasy and restless, I busied myself until I could be escorted back to the city. There would be time for sleep later.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]
PLEA OF REST, DAY NINE: THE BREAKING POINT

[The script is jagged, in some places done shakily, in others heavy handed. The tone of the writing runs from one emotion to the other in no particular pattern. There are places were the ink runs or is smudged.]

Doubt… is poison. To give in to despair is to let go of hope and faith. Merciful Ilmater, I ask your strength. Keep your Hand at my back. How could a day that started out so grand end… so badly? Stand unwavering Servant of Mercy. Even now you are tested. Stand? Stand… Unfaltering. Unwavering. Faith is strength. Faith is always strength and there is always hope. It is not my place to question the will or wisdom of a god, least of all the Crying Lord. Blessed Mercy of Mercies that I do not weep alone. That even now I cling to some mad hope that he isn’t lost. Focus Meri. Commit to memory lest the lessons of the day be lost. Lest the truth of it get lost in shadow. Walk one small step at a time. Seek peace and know that in this as in all things you will endure… I keep telling myself that… Tell myself enough and I might even believe it. I have no choice. Such is my path. If I do not walk it, none will, and if none do…

Focus. I never should have left them. I should have taken my chances with their dragon. Dragon hunting would have been safer… and even if I died a hundred times… less painful. The Festival. It was very nice. There were many wonderful stories. Val even sang that silly song Tessian wrote for her when she was learning common. A grand day. Then the others wished to go to the mountains to hunt a dragon. It was considered that I go to the temple, and remain safe as such. Then it was considered that the able swords willing to protect me, would surround me. I was anxious to see if Brother Dracius and Lady Iliara had arrived. I debated and made my choice. The wrong choice. Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl!

I slipped away from the company of the others. Siomir bid me run, and run swift, not stopping until I was safe in the temple. Should have listened. I ran. I am at least assured in that. I can outrun most blades if I need to… I cannot outrun blind stupidity and trust. So when I ran into Tessian near the farms, literally… I stopped running. Safe. Happy. Wrong Choice.

There was smiles and laughter. I pushed the ill thoughts from my mind. He joked teasingly to the guardswoman who asked if I was alright, that I was being kidnapped. Knowing him for my betrothed, she shrugged it off. And I laughed.

‘Don't laugh. I'm serious.’

I smiled and chuckled as he pulled my hood down over my eyes and led me on gently. Worry inched in on my thoughts, but his normal demeanor was his again, his kindness, good natured, safe, happy Tessian. I pushed away the doubt as he lead me up some stairs.

‘Careful now. Slow steps for once.’

He tugged off my hood at the top of the windmill and I smiled at the view, careful not to look straight down. We chatted idly for a bit and I smiled on him. I had mentioned that I was going to the temple to see if Iliara and Dracius had arrived yet. He said they had already. He was in such fine spirits. I was too. I hardly noticed the storm clouds… literal and figurative that loomed on the horizon and approached swiftly. We chatted a while until a distant peel of thunder sent us to the bottom of the windmill in fear of lightning.

As the first drops of rain fell his demeanor changed. He grew nervous. I looked on in concern, worry inching back in as he began to speak haltingly.

‘I have to...tell you something. … … I...know you said you could never be angry with me... … And that--that you would never hate me. But I won't blame you if you do… Even half as much as I hate myself.’

The pauses and silences punctuated by rain drops that now fell at a slow pace were almost unnerving. I regarded him patiently. Worry slowly turned to dread as he kept speaking.

‘D-did you ever wonder how th-the…’

He trailed off and took a ragged breath. He was no longer looking at me, which was good because his next words drained the color from my face as surely as the steadily increasing rain had washed it away.

‘...how Billy and Dianne w-were captured un-under your nose?’

I jumped at a loud sounding of thunder that rumbled and rolled through the sky, shaking the landscape as his words had begun to resound through me. I pushed away the inching of fear and thought of the wizard. The one who had taken me from Candlekeep. Similar things had been suggested… and some more disturbing possibilities involving Thayans. It seemed like ages before I offered my own theories and his quite voice rose over the rain and wind that had made some haunting chorus in regards to our conversation.

‘I arranged both of their kidnappings. I met with the Halfling in the woods both times and handed them over.’

I blinked at him in shock. What was he trying to do, see if he could upset me? I couldn’t think or speak for a long moment as my mind and heart sought to make sense of what he had just said…

‘That isn't funny Tessian. You shouldn't say things like that.’

My own voice sounded weak and from some great distance. I was afraid it was lost on the wind until he looked at me and spoke.

‘...I'm not being funny.’

‘You shouldn't ... talk like that…’

He turned away from me then. He didn’t say a word. Was it planned or timed? In my distraction I wasn’t aware of the physical danger until it was too late. The rain blocked the scent of his pipe weed from my nose. Not that I could have even noticed. I was drowning. I couldn’t breathe. I hurt. A sharp pain in my back. I thought maybe it was my heart breaking until I realized it was the agonizingly slow pull of a familiar blade.

‘Tessian?!’

I watched as the world slowed. Lines blurred as though the rain was running the world like ink on a parchment. He didn’t turn to face me as the storm raged on. Even then I felt death clawing at me. His blades found their mark, and I was in shock. I didn’t even try to fight back… or if I did I don’t remember. His blades were nothing compared to the one that had found its way in my heart. I stared at his back… begging him to turn as darkness took me… and then… nothing.

I woke in the muddy dark. The rain was still pouring down. My mind was reeling. I didn’t know where I was, or why… Jonas stood over me clutching a bloodied note in one fist and a divine rod in the other. Tessian was inching away from me. I was so confused. Had all that really happened? Jonas was urging us to get moving. He was worried there was still danger. He could have killed me a thousand times… hand my body back to the Drow and then feed my soul to his god, and it wouldn’t hurt as badly as seeing Tessian there… and knowing that I was either still trapped in a nightmare, or it was actually happening.

I looked to the note in Jonas’ hand. Written in blood… still damp. The writing of the Shadow. Signed with the bloody hand print… blood… my blood. I looked at my sliced robes.

"Your saint is dead. Her mutilated corpse lays behind the farmhouses outside the gate...Bhaal claims his prize!"

If that was real… No… please… Mercy no. It was some sort of twisted nightmare. I had already seen my nightmares so real… even seen them play out in the waking world recently. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be.

My confused questions and demeanor were met with Jonas’s urgings. Tessian looked at Jonas utterly terrified. I looked at Tessian… I needed an answer.

‘Tell me you lied Tessian.’

‘No time, Meri. We must move you. I know you are disoriented, but please, just trust me.’

Jonas helped me to my feet and urged me forward but I couldn’t move. My eyes stayed on Tessian. He shook his head at me and spoke.

‘No I remember it clearly. I did not lie.’

We were encased in darkness then and I jumped. That got me moving. Jonas drew his sword, and Tessian blanched. We stumbled through the darkness. I screamed for Jonas to get Tessian, who was having trouble moving in the mud and dark. I still prayed something was amiss, and if he was innocent of things… I wouldn’t leave him to the mercilessness of The Shadow.

A cruel laugh greeted us then and what little blood still moved through my breaking heart froze. Tessian recoiled fearfully from the laugh, Jonas was on edge. I moved quickly. I wanted to get to the gate, and fast. I got ahead of Jonas a bit, who was practically dragging Tessian along.

Another laugh… near me but I could not tell from where.

‘You Bastard…’

I fumed and was answered with his cruel promise… the game was not done. That is why he told Jonas where I was. He was not ready to stop his game.

‘Another time Meri…’

He laughed mockingly and let the threatening promise hang in the air as I screamed curses at him.

‘Just get into the city Meri.’

I turned angrily on Jonas and glared at Tessian.

‘Does it even matter anymore Jonas?!’

The Shadow laughed. He no doubt relished in my breaking heart more than my blood. Perhaps that was why I was allowed to be found. Even his laughter faded into nothingness as Jonas and Tessian caught up back up. I had made it a bit further ahead and stopped. Cold. I was freezing. I never get cold. Jonas urged me on to the city… but I was floundering… I was falling into some sort of horror I could not wake from… my mind and heart at odds with what my senses were telling me. We made our way quickly to the temple of Torm.

Jonas pushed Tessian into a chair, still unsure what was going on. I was choking on tear, suffocating as I pleaded with Tessian for the truth. He insisted he was giving me the truth. That his betrayal was truth. I argued against it… flailed inwardly against the barbs he threw at me. It was her fault, the demon. He grew angry when I called her that…

‘Don't call her that!’

I looked at him appalled a screamed at him.

‘SHE DOESN’T LOVE YOU TESSIAN!’

‘She loves me more than anyone else. Do you?’

I recoiled as though struck, and lost my balance. Jonas, still trying to make sense of what was going on, kept me from falling.

‘I always have Tessian... she lies to you... this is lies!’

I started to cry the tears like fire on my cold skin. This felt worse than dying.

‘You wouldn't give them to -him- … you wouldn't...'

I stared at him disbelieving and broken. Each time he spoke it was another wound.

‘You do not. Ilmater is more important than me.’

‘What. Did. You. Do.’

I was shocked at the fury in Jonas’ voice in the silence before I could form a response. Jonas’ questioning demand went unanswered as Tessian turned on me furiously.

‘Ilmater is my -god- Tessian My faith! I -love- you. I always have.’

‘Ilmater is your *real* betrothed! What else is that halo but a big ... wedding ring from the sky?!’

‘Stop it! Stop lying! Gods Tessian Stop it please! Tessian. Look at me and tell me the truth. Tell me the damned truth. All of it. Please.’

He turned to me and spoke levelly and cold.

‘I wish you were Her. That's all.’

I choked on the words…

‘and Billy and Dianne?’

‘You loved them more than me.’

‘You didn't give them to ... to please... please don't tell me that you did… Tessian listen to you! This isn't you!’

‘Who knows me better than I do?’

‘This is -her- that demon... she ... Now… This isn’t you… this isn’t… you didn’t … you couldn’t. Oh please dearest Mercy… Tessian?’

‘My father influenced me greatly. I learned much from him. We had our differences...I hated his guts. But still...he did make a lot of sense.’

Just when I thought he couldn’t hurt me more than he had… How could he be saying this? About the man who destroyed his siblings and his mother, so many women… he despised everything about that man. All of it. He was speaking of the man who had kidnapped him to lure me into a trap so that … so that… and ‘HE MADE SENSE?!’ Dearest Mercy of all that is good and light he wasn’t speaking… it had to be a nightmare. I couldn’t stand. I wanted to wretch. To wake up or to at least still be dead. This was some cruel Bhaalist trick. I watched shocked as Jonas turned to Tessian and punched him squarely in the jaw. And I sat there in silent shock. Tessian exclaimed and Jonas stopped at my insistence.

‘Son of a Bi---!’

Jonas yelled at him, which surprised me… but not nearly as much as the insult the hurled at his own mother… he had never spoke of her disrespectfully, ever. Yet he looked at Jonas as he spat blood, and dizzy from the punch:

‘No, paladin… Son of a Witch.’

I begged Tessian to stop, to tell me where the demon was… I knew this was wrong… with every fiber of my being. I was being shredded to pieces in a way that would make Loviatar smile. The Matron could not so cruelly inflict such pain as the man who stood there. We yelled and screamed back and forth… he insisted he remembered what he had done and he wanted the demon… he renounced everything… all of it… and I shattered. I had never -ever- known pain in such a measure. Jonas’ anger was palpable. Tessian was furious. I stood, with all the strength I had left… I looked him in the eyes and I spoke pleadingly.

‘This is all wrong. Gods what has she… She… What has she -done- to you?’

‘More than you ever could dream of doing in your wildest mood, -Sister-. You're for no man...wrapped in your vigils and prayers and duties. You would forget I existed if I didn't live at the Temple. I'd never see you, and you wouldn't even notice. You're cold.’

The venom… the hate… I did all I could for him… he knew this. My spare moments were his. Everything that was not my soul and my faith was his… and he knew it. He knew what I was, what was expected. The danger the work… all of it he knew. He knew and he understood… at least he used to. I blacked out. I must have passed out. Next thing I knew Jonas was standing over me with my smelling salts, and Tessian was looking at me the way one looks at the worst of enemies. I looked at Jonas and begged…

‘Please tell me I fell asleep and had the worst nightmare ever…’

‘I wish I could, my sister. I wish I could.’

The look that Tessian gave me then sent me scurrying across the couch I sat on as far away from him as I could manage and his words… oh how I wished the onslaught would stop.

‘You're the one that keeps me from Her.’

‘She will destroy you, Tessian…’

‘You already have.’

‘Damned fool. You would spend one night with the demon before she takes your soul for eternity.’

‘You speak as if you know her.’

‘Demon!’

‘-You- are the fool. Do not call her that. I've -already- been through many nights without that fate.’

He was so smug about it… so cold. The bile rose to the back of my throat as I curled as far into the corner of the couch as I could manage.

‘No doubt. You are a pawn, and you have been played well.’

‘You can't mean what you are saying! You can't... Mercy find you... you can't mean it. If you did why would you still be sitting here?’

‘I want to watch. I want to see the frustration in you that I've experienced for so long. She is supple, and lithe...passionate, and deeply interested. You cannot compare.’

He looked at me in a twisted cruel way as I fought the urge to remain conscious.

‘Why will she need you after this? You will spend the rest of eternity rotting in the Abyss, alone. You have completed her task against Meri. The demon will no longer need you.’

Jonas was convinced that this was some sort of means to lay low the living saint. If it was… it was a well planned attack. At least now he sees truly that it can’t be Tessian. It can’t be… I will find that demon and destroy her so completely… I just need… I just need to be strong enough to stand through this. To endure it… Tessian looked levelly at Jonas.

‘You know nothing of this.’

I couldn’t bear more… I didn’t care if I passed out In the blasted street. I couldn’t bear more. I prayed and found strength to stand and speak.

‘Mercy find you... Mercy Save you... Because I love you…’

I walked. I walked and walked. I was so unaware of everything… completely unaware of anything until I sat in the Candlekeep Inn, two pots of tea gone, Polly in my lap, Jonas near, and Kaden… trying to assure me that as a woman I would survive… as a saint and a priestess I would endure… Jonas went to tend to things. Kaden remained. He assured I did not run out of tea. Told me a story. The exact story is lost on me now, but the moral behind it was not. Endure. Walk your path, dark through shadow and trail, and become stronger for it… but do not falter. It lent me strength. Very apt, whether he realized it or not.

Then Siomir sat with me for a while. More conversation. Reassurances… I felt so numb, cold and distant. I changed, resigned to repairing my robes yet again. I wondered if my heart would patch so easily. Deva and Siveyn and Rith joined us eventually. They were comforting in their own ways. Watchful. The numbing gave way to anger. By the time we had made it to the temple, that had quelled. They didn’t deserve my scorn.

Brother Marcus said that the others had gone to take a tour of the city and celebrate of sort. I dreaded having to tell them that either there was no wedding… or no wedding until I could claim my future husband from the demon he had become so entangled with. I was kindly irritated out of my own kitchen. Rith was right. Deva can cook. Of course that opinion may have been colored by lack of food and sleep for two days or more on top of the strain. I was treated with more kindness than I had known. Wise words from a stranger who visited the temple, and comforting words, or words less kind that I needed to hear… slowly my mind cleared. Slowly. I was left under guard to write… and cry. The others will be back late… I should get my tears out of the way now…

Mercy will prevail. I just need time to sort through this. There are inconsistencies… facts that clear Tessian. If we can just figure out what is driving him to such madness… maybe this can be salvaged. I cling to the truth that in the end there is only mercy. And the hope that… somehow… there is mercy enough for even me in this world…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[A letter is tucked between entries]

*A sketch of two doves holding strands of wheat are placed on the letter*

"Do you miss me, Merielle? Heartache, heartbreak. You deserve it for what you've done to me. I cannot find -her-! You WILL tell me where you have hidden her!"