Never Again Forget - Saint Merielle Silene

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND TWELTH ENTRY]
Unforgotten

Mercy of Ilmater… has it really been a year? And this scar on my cheek still aches. The wound cursed and likely to be slow to heal, if ever… Some moments I wake from sleep, as… for it was the sensation of this wound freshly inflicted that dragged me from bed… to the desk… To write. The foul priest’s skeletal finger tracing my face… Sometimes I blink and see him there… if only for an instance…

A year… and yet every painful moment as sharp and clear as it was that day. It is easier to sleep with Tessian close by. Easier to wake too, perhaps… Still there are moments when I wake gripped by some sense of urgency and danger I can’t displace. I couldn’t count the number of times I have leapt from bed so sure that Bhaal’s Shadow was right there… Or the moments I go to check on a child… half awake… and confused when He isn’t there. Mercy of Ilmater… I miss them so much. Billy and Dianne.

I find Jonas’ dreams similarly haunted to my own. He too sees the faces of those who have died… There are so many. So many we wished to save… So many who made their own choices… So many I wish were not listed among the dead… or the gone… And what of those that chose for my sake? Is the blood they shed, the life they surrendered not at my own feet? It seems unfair… or cruel… and some part of me can’t help but feel to blame.

Oh I know. Hands were forced. Each knew what may be asked of them and why… I knew… as the days unfolded and I stood against them… what would be asked of me and why… Jonas is right, they rallied to me. For the life of me, I can’t understand why, even a year later. Friendship for some. Loyalty. Love… fame and fortune for others… A want to do the right thing. A need. I stood because Ilmater asked it of me. Because I swore an oath. The others… stood to keep me standing.

I wonder if any one truly realizes the weight of that. How lost all would have been if not for those willing to help… willing to keep me standing… Mercy forgive me… willing to die so that I could do as I must. Some never to be drawn back from death… All to stop Bhaal’s faithful from drawing more blood than that blasted siege did.

It seems especially painful this eve… The nightmare was uncharacteristically sharp too. I wonder if it will be the same every year? A silly notion… especially for a healer. I know full well that all things mend … given enough time. How much time I wonder… before I do not smell the dank and damp stones. Taste the acrid air tinged with the residue of snatching me away… Before I do not feel the acid needling into my skin… Before I don’t see those leering faces... The blood? Monstrosities given the form of men… Hearts darker than the halls we stood in. The bowels of that vile temple… I hope Bentley filled the whole thing beneath the inn full of mortar and dirt… and drown in holy water every inch of space that was the depths of the Bhaalist temple…

Nor can I ever forget the mass of people who came to see me free from that place. Friends, allies, strangers… even a Drow. Stormed a temple and nearly died themselves… to save some healer. One who had all but been turned away from her own home and her own peers… Not even a Living Saint then… but some woman, so naïve and far too trusting. A frail little Ilmatari, having ‘visions’ and consorting with the worst sorts… all over some child that she refused to let die… A child so many wondered if he was worth it.

Of course there was never a doubt in my mind that he was worth it… Eventually the others saw it too. Some say it was the look on my face that day, which changed the hearts of so many. I don’t know what they saw. I’d been tortured for hours, already exhausted from the months that came before… hungry and tired… By the time they arrived I was struggling to remain coherent… By faith and by the Mercy of Ilmater alone I had not passed out.

And yet… they saw something. Something they were willing to die for. Something they went and gathered a force for… Something that one man sacrificed himself for… just to see me from the depths of the temple… and I will forever be grateful for his actions… For all that each sacrificed. It was after that… Perhaps it was the depths the Bhaalists were willing to go for a child that convinced the others I was not completely wrong to protect him… and not wholly out of my mind…

After the real nightmare a year ago that has fed many nightmares since then… That day, horrible as it was… A turning point. After that day we gathered an army… It wasn’t long after that that we dragged that temple apart. Bit by bit… and not a moment too soon… If I had done one thing different, would he still be here? Would Dianne? I shouldn’t dwell on such ‘what ifs’. Jonas would tell me to practice what I preach. Tessian would tell me I did my best… Ilmater considers the oath fulfilled. The boy’s soul kept from Bhaal. Billy and Dianne would simply say they loved me… I wonder if all those who died in the siege… or ever at any time in the conflict… would say they didn’t regret it?

Mercy knows…they are forever unforgettable. I see each face as surely as I still feel this scar. A constant reminder then as it is now… of the enemy we face. The cause and right we stand for. Perhaps good to remember… especially given the new threats we face… and the old enemies that rear their heads. A necessity to remember that in the end there is only Mercy, always light and hope so long as there is faith. So long as those who are able stand by duty. By what is right.

May the people always remember what I stood for, not who or what they thought I was or represented… what we all stood for… And most importantly, those who kept us standing… and the price they were willing to pay for that cause we all stood behind. I wasn’t always a healer… wasn’t always a figure head of a faith… But I have always been faithful… even before I knew my path. I will remain so, unwaveringly. I will do as duty and heart bid. As will many.

May faith be our strength, and hope light our way. As needs must, we will abide duty and oath, willing servants and able hearts… I only pray that this is swift. That the bloodshed to come is less than that which has come before. Once again I see shadows on the horizon… Mercy and all the Triad… all which is good and true… be with us in the days to come.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTEENTH ENTRY]
Part One: The Orphanage

Well, Luilla and Alierna will be going to Doron Amar. For the best. Rith seems rather excited about it. Siomir… well he takes things in stride, blessedly. I think it far more suitable for Elven children to be raised by Elves. There is a great deal they will benefit from such. There are still a few particulars to work out, but I imagine they will be moving to Doron Amar soon.

David spends much of his time in the city. I scarce see him until late. He leaves early in the morn before sunrise and makes his way to the High Hall of Wonders. He comes home late in the day, pleasantly exhausted and speaking of the things he has learned. The Smithy that Jonas has set him up with is a very amiable fellow. He says David will make a fine apprentice. A couple years or so of training and he will be well on his way to a fine trade.

Maryss and Adam have become all but inseparable. They spend a good deal of time outdoors. Her love for things that grow, and his love for everything natural, they share a great deal in common. Tessian took the pair hunting a couple of days ago. We’ve plenty of venison for a while, some rabbit and pheasant. The gardens do well. Less so from my own care and more from Maryss and her tending.

Ophelia has taken to helping Maryss in the gardens too. Maryss has started calling her ‘Little Green Shadow’. Apt, since the younger girl follows her about so much these days. Like sisters, they have become. Ophelia is more open with Maryss than I have ever seen her. She tells the most imaginative stories too. Often about talking vegetables and evil sorceresses… I can blame Tessian for that tale, no doubt. I also doubt he would be anything but proud that she has carried the tale on so well. Weaving together many of his stories. The evil sorceress is always defeated by a pirate with a pet bird much like dear Polly.

Anne has taken to helping the younger children with lessons. She studies on her own time now, spending her free time absorbed in books on everything from deities to history. She says that one day, she wishes to teach regularly, perhaps here at the orphanage.

Larissa and Michael absolutely adore Jonas. Jonas has mentioned taking him on as a page, which he would no doubt absolutely love. Larissa’s interest is more in the clergy. She constantly asks when Jonas or Ali will take her to the temples again. She especially enjoys the visits to the Tormite temple. Jenny too, enjoys it when Jonas and Ali visit. Jonas dotes on Jenny, perhaps only marginally more than the others. No one seems to mind.

Of course the youngest twins enjoy when they visit too… So they can run off with Inara to play games and cause mischief. Tess and Inara are fairly good about keeping Sarah’s trouble making to a minimum. They do make quite a Trio though. With Sarah’s want to uncover anything new, Tess’s ability to think most things through carefully, and Inara’s ability to wrap the world around those little fingers of hers… they are nearly unstoppable if they put their heads together and set sights on a goal.

Nathan and Henry are their usual handful. They have always been inclined to trouble… and are constantly causing trouble with the other children. They will turn my hair gray, I just know it. They have taken to tormenting Florah and Peter the most. Poor Flora has nightmares enough, made worse by the constant stories they tell her. Had her utterly convinced the other day that a Zombies waited in the garden for her to come outside and play so they could eat her. I about never got the poor dear convinced it was alright to go out and play.

I am running out of disciplinary tactics that are effective. At least the boys swear less, thanks to Thedran. I imagine it will be months before the dirt re-accumulates between the floor boards. Though I may have to ask Jonas for ideas or help. As I said they have also been causing trouble for Peter, and that gets quickly out of hand with Peter’s temper.

Vera came and got me yesterday. Poor Beth and Jenny trying to halt the fight… And it was quite the school yard scrap. Peter had done his best to give Nathan a bit of trouble, but he was out muscled. The three of them were in enough trouble the rest of the day that with luck it will be at least a bit before they have another fight.

I worry for Peter. He is so introverted, and often at odds with the other children. We hope it is a stage he will grow out of. Of all the children who came from the docks, it is Peter, Nathan and Henry that had the hardest time of it I think. They’ve a great deal of potential, but I do worry for them. Most of the children have adjusted well, but some of them have had a hard time of it. Of course its only been about six months, so I do remain optimistic.

Jasmine is finally sleeping more through the night… much to everyone’s relief. She is such a darling infant. So much talk of little ones of late. Ali’s pregnancy goes well so far. Jonas tells me that Aethor and Adara did have twins, a boy and a girl… and that they will be moving back to the Coast soon. He also says that they may buy his and Ali’s house in the city.

They will be building the place for the Radiant Heart to work out of near by, between the Fields of the Dead and the city. An ease to my mind… I always worry that something unpleasant may come at us from the North, and while I know the city is well protected… I’ve learned there is no such thing as too much protection. Jonas, and Ali and Inara will likely stay with us at the orphanage in the mean time, then move to the structure to oversee things from there. It will effectually also serve as their home.

Busy as ever, this place full of love and laughter. I do spend as much of my free time with the youngest member of this extended family of mine that I am able to. Jasmine fills a want in my on heart and part of me is content with it… but part of me can’t help but continue to hope that some day Tessian and I will have a child of our own. Mercy forgive me, I am reluctant to admit that some small selfish part of me is glad she is no longer being considered for adoption presently.

The merchant family that had been considering adopting her, have said it may not be wise. I’ve heard some rumors of trouble with Amn lately… and his worries over trade and such makes me think I had best pay closer attention. As if there isn’t enough conflict brewing of late… In fact I got a letter from someone, here asking if I had anything of Selah’s to scry for her, saying it may be wise to find her and that her diplomacy may be needed.

I’ve mixed thoughts on the whole issue really. In light of the information Siomir and Joan brought to me after the wedding… Not to mention Jonas’ own trepidations about Selah… and in fact many small inconsistencies that leave me to wonder how well placed my trust in her was… Not to mention her ties to Myhun… who I doubt I should have trusted even to the modicum I ever did. Still more odd things I can’t exactly explain away in her favor…

I am unsure though, why everyone is so worried for her well being… She no doubt went on another of her ‘adventures’ or ‘sojourns’ as she calls them. I will admit that the last time I saw her she seemed at odds and troubled. Almost unhealthy. I have no reason to wish her ill, and hope that she has taken my advice to take some time for herself. Perhaps when I see her again she will at least be in better health and spirits. Perhaps then, we can talk and I can get some answers. She is anything less than straightforward sometimes, content to wrap herself in carefully woven words…

I think for now, I should at least be careful if I see her again. With so many I trust so fully against her… can I truly say that they are blind to her better qualities and wrong? Or am I perhaps blind to something as I have been with so many others? My want to see the best in people often blinds me to the inevitable treachery… Emrys was right about that much at least… I throw myself into helping someone… only to blind myself to the dagger they would bury in my back, weep when it goes badly… only to toss myself at another. He called it lost causes… I refuse to think that I shouldn’t at least try, but have learned to be more cautious.

Speaking of Caution and Letters… I got an odd one at the orphanage today. It reads of desperation, and my mind worries of a trap… I’ve yet to decide what to make of it, or whether I will meet this anonymous person at the inn. Amid all the talk of Bhaalists… and more conflict… I find myself falling into old routines of never traveling unguarded, or unprotected by Ilmater and my prayers. In part because Jonas would be furious if I allowed something to happen to myself. In part because Tessian worries constantly if I am home late or out…

[The mysterious note is tucked here between the pages:]

Dear Saint,

I am in dire need of your council and know not who else to turn too. Secrecy it seems is paramount to my safety, with that I trust you and only you. I beg that you meet with me at the Friendly Arm Inn. This will sound odd, perhaps even threatening, but I have no alternative but to plead that you come alone. I can not risk it any other way. ...I understand if this is an unacceptable risk, but my life is on this line I have offered to you.

[It is signed with the image of a magnolia]

Tessian has calmed down, and settled into our routine rather well. He came back from Trademeet, not so much subdued, but ready to take on responsibilities here. He has been a great deal of help with meals and such. There are less noodles in the rafters these days… and less paint where and on who it shouldn’t be. He still has his sense of humor, that I am grateful for daily. The children look forward to his stories in the evening of course, and Sister Adolina still looks forward to his weekly raids of the temple kitchen. He is quieter of late though, and has become absorbed in tasks about the orphanage, and our lives together.

Things go well at the orphanage overall. Donations are timely, the farmers are doing much better now that the weather has settled. Caravans from Damara have been less frequent. We have been getting the extra from the local farms to distribute to either the soup kitchen or make use of in the orphanage. What food isn’t supplied by donations, comes from the city. Jorn keeps aside some eggs from his chickens and Thom keeps a milk cow for us. Aello even sends along clothes and shoes from time to time, which fills the gaps not met by donations to us. The Radiant Heart and the Fist keep an eye on things. Thedran is even more a constant guardian here when he isn’t looking after Inara.

These small things and the security offered is welcome. Especially now when there is worry of dragons and of Bhaalists. There is even talk of more drastic measures to be taken against the Banites, specifically, but it seems we are having trouble with many of those Faithful to the Dead Three. These troubles among others are a looming worry for us. Tessian looks nearly petrified when I head out to tend to my duties… He constantly jokes, half seriously, that he wishes he -could- hide his princess away in a tower and guard it with a great silver wyrm. Each kiss delivered as though he fears it might be the last… and sometimes I worry those fears may not be unfounded.

These worries and more could fill more pages… but I must tend to supper for the children. I cling to the stubborn hope that these shadows too will pass… and pray they pass without another war. As troubles mount though, and there is talk of taking down more foes in great numbers… so near the anniversary of the Siege… it weights heavily on my heart, and my prayers are earnest that we may avoid undue bloodshed.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTEENTH ENTRY]
Part Two: A moonlit conversation

“The help you gave was no small feat.”

There we were… Knight and the Healer, begrudged Leader and equally begrudged icon… Battle-tested war hero and Saint... most important of all, there we stood: Brother and Sister… atop the Friendly Arm Inn. An old argument of sorts. The memories between us nearly its own palpable force under Selune’s teary gaze. How often had we stood here, just the two of us, each grasping for some sort of peace and mercy that seemed to always find us here?

“It was not nearly so great as everyone makes it out to be.”

“Maybe. Or you underestimate yourself. Knowing you, it is the latter.”

We had talked of many things already, many people. Now we spoke of Sir Crownsilver and things that had happened both before I arrived and shortly there after.

“Seems so long ago now.”

“Many things seem long ago, dear brother... The passage of time has been odd since I came to the Coast. Or perhaps it is my perceptions.”

“Won't be long before it will be time for spring planting.”

“Indeed.”

We silently looked out over the landscape… the scars of the battle here… barely seen save from this lofty vantage. The spring grasses and wildflowers, the saplings, the architecture… it all covered the scars from catapult fire and the clashing of great magic.

“This spring... I won't be planting tears and daisies.”

Hidden in that statement was a hopeful question as much as an optimistic declaration. Jonas’ answering hug and words carried the hope and finality I knew was there but was almost afraid to grasp.

“I know.”

Did we? I couldn’t help but wonder if we were blinding ourselves to shadows that were there with our optimistic light. Then of course I chastised my own cynicism. Still, the past two years had stripped away my naïveté and my blind optimism mostly… Replacing it with cautious hope. Faith was perhaps the only thing that kept it from turning to fear.

The conversation turned to children, the orphanage and Jonas and Ali’s growing family. Even adoption. Jonas and Ali had been toying with the idea a while, yes, but Jonas still wondered if he would leave any slighted. The children however, are so content to be where they are by comparison, that I doubt any would feel discontent. Many of the older ones will likely only be about another year or two… Many of the younger ones will likely be taken into good homes, and some are perfectly happy to remain, and work at the orphanage or within the temples as they get older.

I know that Jonas knows how important He is, Ali, Inara, for that matter, so many of them… Some, perhaps more than others, but each precious in their own ways, and irreplaceable… such a kindred thought makes the loss of some difficult to bear, and I find myself worrying from time to time, what I would do if Duty called these dear ones away from me… or Me from them…

“You are both saints in my eyes.”

“You're too kind.”

“I could say the same of you.”

I studied him in the starlight. He looked so weary. Not just from lack of sleep, but here stood a man wise beyond his years… And far beyond the lifespan of most who serve as the sword arm of their god. He had seen more conflict and death than any man deserved to see… and more loomed just on the horizon… How I prayed it wasn’t to be as bloody as the past years…

“Though you should have told me you weren't sleeping well. I can't help fix things if I don't know they are broken.”

“It is the same old ailment.”

“No it isn't. It's a persistent side effect of an ailment you endured longer than you deserved.”

His lavender eyes searched the sky, as though Selune held some hidden answer… but if she did, it was a secret she was content to keep. His sigh was heavy, betraying the weight in his heart.

“Maybe. That doesn't explain why I see the faces of all the lives I've taken.”

“For the same reason I look out over this landscape and see blood... For the same reason I hear the wails of grieving mothers.”

Indeed, as I looked down… Mercy the blood I could see, the very blood that stained my own hands. I would be an arrogant fool to see otherwise. Even the righteous and just are not blameless, though right, are not without failing…

“We care.”

“We hoped we could do better... We care that they suffered or died... and it marks us in a way no scar or brand can. It is not a fault or failing... but a burden we carry all the same.”

“I don't blame myself. Many of the people I have killed deserved death for their crimes. But that does not make it any easier to take life.”

“You still would rather not... Even though they did deserve it... That it bothers you means you are still possess your humanity... and hold a good heart.”

Such was the line between the heart, and the duty it compelled us to do, in the faith that eased our hearts. An endless path, a tightrope made of carefully linked chains. We walked it together, trying keep each other upright and from falling to the chasm below.

“It feels odd to be standing here. A year later.”

“Doesn't it? Sometimes I look down beneath my feet and expect to see... something else. Its made more surreal by the fact that so many new faces do not even know what happened here a year ago... and it is burned into my memory as surely as the scar on my face.”

“Adventurers.”

I swear that my dear brother considers that some sort of curse word from his tone when he says it…

“The people remember, Meri. They lost too. Adventurers come and go.”

“I know. It just seems I am sometimes reminded that I have been placed far higher than I should be.”

I looked first to the halo over the head, and then the land below us… painfully aware of the great distance between the two… and terrified of my own relation to each… So high up… and more so in the figurative sense than the literal.

“You are placed where you are meant to be. We can only be that which we are.”

He pointed first to my forehead, and then to my heart, that hawkish gaze of his looking through me, and seeing the Saint as much as the sister… and both of which held dear…

“You are what you are. The Crying God knows you better than yourself.”

Another argument we often had… and one I always lost because he knew I had no means to argue that solid truth. It isn’t my place to argue with my own god… and my dear brother, never hesitated to remind me of such when my own self-confidence faltered.

Our conversations moved as they often do, through current troubles, one at a time as we settled on our steps in these paths. Not all of it was gloomy and mired in darker things.

“How's Tessian?”

“He is rather well. Staying out of trouble, mostly. At least there hasn't been any food or paint in odd places about the house. Though he hasn't been home long enough to work up much mischief.”

“We'll go fishing. You may have taken his name, but he's no less a part of my House. Meaning I can boss him around.”

He nudged me playfully as I fell into laughter.

“Just as long as my orders come first.”

“I know better than to argue with the woman of the house.”

I grinned and poked his armored side.

“Sort of.”

He amended rather quickly, which only brought more laughter about.

“I should hope so... being married to a stubborn, red-headed Ilmatari.”

“Definitely. …Then one for a sister. …And a daughter.”

His voice took on mock despair.

“Doomed.”

He said it with such comical finality that I couldn’t help but laugh more. As the moon sank below view, and the stars began to fade, the conversation continued cheerfully on… We talked of Inara, and the path that may lay before her. Jonas is nervous of course, and I did my best to reassure him as the first traces of dawn skirted the fringes of the horizon. We talked on it a bit more, smiling and such. As the tendrils of daylight touched the spring rain clouds that hurried to gather, we were joined by another, and a new conversation took form…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTEENTH ENTRY]
Part Three: A meeting under Mercy‘s sky

“Ah… I didn't realize the roof was taken. I'll leave you all to your business.”

I glanced back and into the uncertain face of Rothe, the gentleman I had met recently… Given where we stood, and the brief, but conflicted and emotional first meeting, I did understand his hesitation. My smile was not hesitant… though I still wondered how much he could be trusted. Perhaps it was his eyes that bid me hold my judgment, and stay my distrust. Haunted was the only word I could find for it. Not to mention he was a ball of nerves. That same smile hurried to be reassuring as Jonas spoke.

“We were enjoying a chat. We do not own the roof, goodman, feel free to enjoy the view.”

I nodded at that. Taric murmured to Jonas, he had also joined us. The normal pleasantries no doubt exchanged.

“Just enjoying the day with my sister, Taric. You'd think we'd get to do that often, but alas it is not so.”

“Well, considering the history of this place, it's a large gesture to share it with me…”

His words carried a weight that asked my attention… and I obliged. His expression though, as I met his eyes, spoke volumes more. All I could do was nod at first. Uncertain what to make of it. Haunted didn’t begin to cover it. Hounded. By a past that had seldom granted rest. Indeed he hungered for redemption and it was written… across his face… and the scars on his hands.

“I am not in the habit of blaming others for transgressions they have not committed.”

He was nervous, that much was clear. Jonas’ attention was briefly occupied by Rai, who was oddly polite for her normal fare… and Taric, who seems… well better than he was, though much likely needs to be done. Rothe and I discussed the nature of mine and Jonas’ sibling relationship. Our conversation in hushed tones… or at least as hushed as the ill-at-ease could muster.

“I saw your brother, and gave him what you asked me to.”

The look of concern that crossed his face, and the tone of his voice stood the hairs along the back of my neck on end.

“You had company I hope?”

“I am always in good company.”

I glanced to Jonas, who of course by now was paying attention.

“I take it you two know each other?”

“Sorry, my lord. I'm sure it's inappropriate to just begin whispering to one's sister without an introduction.”

“Ah! Introductions… forgive me.”

“I am no Lord, goodman. Jonas, or Sir Rokranon if you want to get mired in rank and all that.”

“Sir Jonas Rokranon… meet Rothe Kreeg.”

I smiled between the two.

“I'm Rothe… Kreeg. Brother to…”

He paused and looked down to the Inn on which we stood.

“Perhaps it is best to stand on your own name and not his?”

It was a gentle suggestion more than a question, and he nodded.

“Brother to--?”

Jonas frowned very lightly… and it deepened when Rothe continued.

“Brother to a former foe of yours, quickly dispatched, it seems.”

He hurried through the statement, and I glanced between them. It was a long silence before Jonas finally responded.

“Ah.”

“This is the man I wished you to meet, Jonas.”

Again there was more silence. I regarded the two of them carefully. I couldn’t really say what I was expecting of this meeting. I wasn’t exactly certain what to expect. If Rothe was sincere or if he was a spot of genuine trouble though, I did hope Jonas could sort it. I suppose anymore I an less certain of my own ability to judge character.

“He was Taltruss… and he was only a little brother in my eyes. You knew him as a monster.”

Monster, Bhaalists… I had to admit, in that he was right. In my mind the two words were interchangeable and carried the same terrible weight.

“Please, forgive my wariness.”

“No, I'm sure I've earned whatever suspicion you might now find yourself engaged in.”

The honesty in his tone… the acceptance. It was a good thing he didn’t expect open armed trust, since if he did, he would be disappointed.

“Our history with those who worked for the same ideals as your brother is complicated.”

“I try to atone for his actions daily, but it never seems to be enough.”

“It is not your duty to atone for the actions of another. You are responsible for your own path in this life.”

His laugh was dark and bitter as Jonas spoke. Rothe talked of his brother and he seemed to try to justify why his brother’s actions were his doing. He spoke of it haltingly. His tone was pained, but it was a look of genuine surprise that crossed his face as Jonas spoke of Kelorin. I couldn’t help but cringe as Jonas explained the monster he had called brother in one sense… I think Rothe was shocked that he and Jonas could share a parallel. The conversation continued. I spoke of the lack of benefit from blaming one’s self for the actions of another. Rothe let loose another bitter laugh as the conversation moved.

“I would not lie to you, good saint. I have acted to protect two monsters, not just one. I have harmed others to keep them safe. Some innocent, some not. But… i was younger…”

“The lines blur when loved ones are involved. Sometimes we are blind to the Truth staring us right in the eyes.”

Rothe nodded, seemed to be choosing his words, or perhaps struggling to give thoughts form. I couldn’t really say. I had stopped looking at their faces, instead listening quietly as I looked over the landscape. The day was mockingly cheerful, given our conversation.

“My other brother seeks to test me in that regard. Little Sebastian… the quiet one… the innocent one…”

“You have another brother tempting fate with the darkness?”

"I would not confess his sins, but my brother… his heart strays. We three… we were cursed with terrible nightmares of … things that are hard to describe. Slowly Taltruss descended into madness, Sebastian held it within, and I used it as fuel to protect my brothers. But with my brother's passing Sebastian grew."

There was a pause. Jonas regarded Rothe, who regarded the land beneath us. I worried at the implication of such things. I cringed to think of more Bhaalists… more bloodshed. My wandering and wondering was brought to a halt by Rothe’s next words.

“I came here to save him.”

The hope was there, in his voice… but so very faint. It was all but gone. It drew a prayer for hope and patience through my thoughts. Jonas looked squarely at Rothe and spoke.

"You love your brother; strive ceaselessly. If he follows the path Taltruss took. . . I ordered the execution of your brother. The laws and feelings of Baldur's Gate are clear. I sympathize, believe me, I do. But I have a duty to the people. To my god."

Rothe gripped the wall so tightly his knuckles turned white. Jonas nodded.

“You can hate me. I understand.”

“I understand your duty to the law. It's commendably resolute.”

There was sadness in his voice as he spoke of the watch taking his brother in Neverwinter.

“I will not commit further evil in the name of my family… I cannot.”

He looked at me now, and I could see the want for redemption. Unquestioningly there…

“You are a beacon, m'lady. I look at you and every inch of me aches with guilt.”

Rothe’s head hung in perceived defeat. Jonas gestured around us

“This was our battlefield. That halo of Meri's is because she refused to give in to the Bhaalists when they began slaughtering innocents to get to the child she protected. The people of Baldur's Gate turned against her, ran her out of the city, but her faith never wavered. Beacon does not even begin to cover it.”

I could do little more than regard Jonas with muted shock. It didn’t matter if I agreed with it or not. So many thought just exactly that. My place was to lead by example. Like it or not, I was a representation of faith and duty, one that many seemed to look to… including Jonas.

The conversation turned to how one should endeavor to redeem those in need of it. Of trust… and betrayal. Jonas was right, you can only be betrayed by the ones you trust. I had trusted far too many… been betrayed by many… I prayed this was not another betrayal in the making. Though I resolved to be more watchful. I have become a jaded cynical woman. I would not refuse to try to redeem those that have a slim chance. I could not, however, maintain the ignorant naiveté that I had once had to blind me to the inevitable dagger in my back.

Though I think I should worry more about this brother of his, than of Rothe himself… I will admit that the day I had met him, and handed him the bundle of parchments… He made me uneasy. I couldn’t really say why exactly, just that he was … unsettling. The conversation again turned to the siege and to the children. To Faith, Ilmater, Bhaal… Loss.

“… did not realize your Bhaalist problem was so severe.”

Rothe’s statement almost seemed carefully understated…

“It was a war. The Lord of Murder wished to have the child Meri protected. He summoned his allies. We summoned ours.”

Jonas went into the long list of enemies… Bhaal’s many allies. Then into the equally lengthy list of our own eventual allies.

“All for one boy. And we still lost him.”

“We did not.”

A familiar wave of pain choked my voice. I was barely heard above the wind. Jonas looked at me, silent understanding in his expression and he spoke.

“No I suppose we did not. We lost him in this world.”

I continued softly, and immensely grateful for the rain that fell in heavy sheets.

“It was not for one boy, but all that lives and breathes.”

“We fought for you, Meri. Whatever drew people here to fight, we fought for you. More than a beacon, I said.”

I scoffed. Even started to argue with Jonas again about that fact among others. I was halted by Rothe’s loud, but sincere whisper.

“Should it ever come again. You but need to point and you would command my blade, even if it meant your brother's noose.”

There was a long silence. Jonas raised a brow but said nothing. I nearly asked Rothe if he would be so quick to agree if it meant a noose around his own brother‘s neck. The fact he would be willing to risk a noose about his own… just to heed my whim? Overwhelming. Again I was struck by an image from the siege. Perhaps the most terrifying one of all:

They would kneel… at -my- feet. Pledge sword and spell, and -life- for my cause. To me. And even as I told them no such oath was needed. Told them it was not my place to ask such, much less receive it. Still they stood, noble and willing to die.

It must have been one of the few pleasing moments for Bhaal in the course of it all. Even if Bhaal knew his plot was doomed, and he would lose the whole war… It must have made him smile to know that willing or not… They would follow… I would lead. That my own oath to Ilmater to protect Billy at all costs would have me ordering them… directly or not… to their deaths. It must have pleased him greatly to call his enemy a murderess. Righteous or not. They died because they were asked to. Because I asked them to.

I would not allow such to be offered now. I shook my head to Rothe finally. My voice quiet, hardly a whisper at all, but it broke the long silence. It rose above the rain that hid my tears.

“More credit than I am due... It is not my place to judge who lives or dies… Healers are not meant to lead wars.”

“It would be too large a burden for me to bear.”

Jonas offered quiet support. A flicker of calm in the dark emotions that ran through me. The flicker, ember it was, caught and burned away much of the shadows of my heart. Once again, it was another who kept me strong. At that moment I would have broken into sobs of anguish if not for the gentle support of my dear brother.

“I'd have not stood if not for the others…”

I looked right at Jonas as I spoke.

“I may have led the troops, but it was you everyone flocked to.”

“How many times did you keep me standing?”

“I know.”

He said patiently.

“When they told us Billy had been taken…”

“We kept each other standing.”

Rothe apologized for digging up old wounds. I was quick to assure him that it was not a wound I had not already been fussing over lately… and one that would mend at such a pace, no matter the number of times it was poked and prodded.

Of course the conversation continued a bit longer on the nature of cynicism and of families and such. We even spoke of marriage and other such pleasant things. The nature of the bond that Jonas and I share was brought up, and explained somewhat. The day had grown late, and evening was upon us when Rothe looked to Jonas.

“Should you ever need anything, I would wish to show you that I bear no ill will. I know how I must appear.”

“With what I have done, you are well within your rights to, Rothe.”

“All the same, it would seem that a frown on your face brings one from your sister… and we would not want that.”

He smiled a bit.

“This conversation has compelled me to send a message to my brother. One of hope.”

As he readied to leave, that brought a smile to my face. Jonas’ words added to that.

“Well, at least know I bear you no ill will as well. You are to be judged by your own deeds, not theirs.”

“May Mercy seek you. Both.”

“May the Loyal Fury keep you True.”

“I hope so, good knight…”

With that he turned to go. Jonas and I were silent for a while as the rain slowed. The fact that we had stood there in conversation so long without food or drink, much less rest, had not escaped me. All the same, my nerves had been as such over the last month or so that… again… I found myself less than hungry. We spoke of these worries for a time. The shadows that seemed to loom just beyond view caused my stomach to turn. I prayed we were not headed for yet another long and drawn out… bloodied conflict. The lands had seen so much blood and death.

It took nearly an hour for me to choke down the cup of tea… the remainder of the pot untouched as my mind whirled. I found myself in prayer. Restless and unable to sleep… I made my way to the temple to pray. Long were my meditations… and when I rose from them, I was weak from exhaustion and hunger… but in my heart I was resolved to stand as Faith and Duty bid. My heart ready for the tasks that lurked ahead. As needs must. Ever the willing servant.

Mercy be with us all.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTEENTH ENTRY]
Part Four: A Wolf in Sheep‘s Clothing

Siomir and I had spoke for a bit about various things before he told me that he needed to find his little sister. He asked if I would like to go along, which of course I didn’t mind. My stomach had been more settled that day. I even had breakfast, much to Tessian’s delight. Still… Tea was not settling well more often than not. It would be hard to keep the other’s from worrying if I wasn’t drinking my normal allotment of tea… Either way, the weather was nice, and ginger was doing the trick for the day. So I followed. The pleasantness of the conversations gave way to the underlying worry. More trouble I had yet to hear of, and it was about Sari.

There was a hint of worry as he made his way south, somehow picking her tracks out of the dozens… if not hundreds that mired the muddy paths. The rain was gentle and slow. I had asked him what the trouble was, or had been, since I had said no when he asked if I had heard what happened. So unraveled the day. The unsettling of my stomach replaced by that heavy weight in my heart, and an anger for the Bhaalists that persisted in the region.

He explained that she had been found… all but beyond saving, on the side of the road. Her pinky missing, and the words “Bhaal Comes.” Carved into the flesh of her abdomen. Bhaal comes? He hadn’t the graces to leave yet! Still the implication of the message was clear enough. The siege is to become yet another battle… the war may not yet be won. So long as Bhaalists held any foothold at all in the area… there would forever be some measure of fighting.

By the time we arrived at the beach, Sari had been swimming. Randall was there, and being rather the gent, if I may say so. The conversation between Randall and Siomir was cheerful. My heart lightened by the progress Randall had made despite the odds he faced and the measure of ground he’d had to cover. Mind you there was still progress to be made, but I respected his resolve.

Something stood out though. Amid pleasant conversation, and teasing about my cleaning sprees… Sari wrapped in her cloak, stood quiet. Her normal air of stubborn confidence seemed subdued. She stared fixedly at the sand near her toes. I inched to her side and gave her a light hug. The greeting startled her from her troublesome thoughts. The answering hug was stiff, hesitant… uncharacteristic.

“Want to talk?”

I murmured and she nodded. She lead us away from the two men. Silently she gathered driftwood and made us a small fire. We sat in the sand quietly for a moment or two.

“Siomir told you what happened?”

“He did... I am sorry... I wish I had found out sooner.”

It had been a day or two ago at least.

"It is alright."

Her face remained unreadable. Her words scant above a whisper.

"I'm struggling, Saint."

“Meri will do, dear.”

The break in formality brought the emotions just beneath the surface to the forefront.

"I've never felt so helpless and afraid."

“There is nothing wrong with fear... It is in what we do with it that matters.”

"It is as if every sense of security I have ever known has been ripped away from me. I see death everywhere I look, including the mirror in my room."

Tears welled to the surface and her voice broke. I scooped her into a hug. Though she might have been chilled in the evening air, her clothes still damp… it was fear that shook the slight elf. Pain that wracked her thoughts. I didn’t know what they had done… But I had known similar enough situations. I didn’t need to stretch my own imagination to understand her suffering.

“Oh my dear... It isn't an easy thing to move past, trust me, I know first hand…”

She all but clung for dear life. Her words laced with emotions.

"And Sir Jonas said there were no scars but I feel them. I know they are there."

“I can help if you are worried over scarring... even if it is beneath the skin”

I looked her over a bit. The missing finger had been regenerated well, and if there were other wounds, they too were dealt with and had mended very well. Her stomach, however remained covered. She asked about my own ordeal with them. I explained it. Even showed her the scar that ran the edge of my face.

Her finger traced it gently, and I steeled myself against the pain that blossomed from the cursed wound. I didn’t know if it would ever stop being painful… all but the most strong magics would mend it fully… it was beyond even my power, so for now it remained, mostly mended, but still painful. I prayed her own wounds would not last nearly so long. She is a resilient girl. The Dannerens were all too stubborn for their own good. I’d seen Siomir rebound from things that would destroy others, and Sari had the same spirit and heart… What she lacked in the rage that her brother had, she made up for with willful youth. Like all wounds though, and all ordeals such as this… there are scars on the mind and heart long after the body has mended.

Siomir had a reason to worry for his little sister. Fortunately for Sari, she was not so crazy as she had thought. She showed me her abdomen, and while there were no visible scars, the thick knot of tissues could be felt beneath the skin. My fingers gently traced the words. The intended message igniting a flame in my heart that set my fingers burning.

A prayer to hold my own anger in check, and some gentle reassurances to Sari, I pulled out a small jar of salve. It would take a day or two, but the regenerative properties of the salve and the various ingredients would alleviate the knotty tissue. She went to apply some, as it would also sooth the area’s irritation, and change clothes.

She told me of a girl that had died the day before. She bore resemblance to Sari… and suffered identical wounds at the hands of Bhaalists. She and her younger sister were orphans. Apparently the girl who died had been caring for the two of them. Sari now took care of the young girl in the absence of her sister.

Mercy of Ilmater forgive me. My anger is a blight on my heart that I find difficult to move past. Anger is a dangerous and destructive thing, yes this I know… So help me, if I can’t be rid of my anger, then I will set it to a task. Set it against the faithful of Bhaal. May it destroy them swiftly. Jonas and the others have been planning and taking steps toward striking their known hiding places. I promised Sari that I would do what I had to in order to see this ended.

I told her of the two elven children who would be coming to Doron Amar soon, they could keep the girl company. We had discussed supplies and what not, and her mood had marginally improved by the time Siomir and Randall joined us. The conversation was pleasant, mostly. There were questions about the magical nature of wounds… things that can’t be seen, which lead to a conversation about Randall’s … eye.

When the man looked through it though, as it now had the ability to see things hidden by magic, he called out and took off. When he came back, bow in hand, he told us of a man in red and black robes with a scary mask that had been standing near by… and that he had an arrow or two placed in his rump to remind him not to lurk about. An unpleasant reminder that I need to keep my guard up again. Or perhaps that I never should have dropped it to begin with. Least of all now.

That was only the beginning. There was a feeling of being watched… what it did or did not have to do with the masked figure that Randall chased off I couldn’t say… we were being scried. The nature of it… and the one doing the scrying… was hardly pittance magic. We stood. Siomir quickly read from a scroll to dispel the scry. It was coming from a distance… Which only worried me more. Very few mages had the power to look so closely from so far. This was a very powerful scry.

There was a renewed attempt. The air practically tasted of magic. We decided it was best to make our way to some place more… private. However, there wasn’t going to be time for that. Somewhere, we had made angry an arcanist who was most upset that we had halted the observance of our conversation. Now the energy was gathering. A portal was readying to open. Now we readied for a battle… and sought a tactical spot from which to make a stand. I couldn’t say when, but I was glad that Rith had joined us. Between her arcane protections and my divine ones… Siomir and Randy armed themselves… Sari gathered her bow.

We were ready to face an army by the time one solitary noble stepped through the portal. He regarded us, and began to laugh.

“No No… put away your blades.”

He said. None of us were inclined to disarm… My posture remained defensive, hand on my healing supplies, and unsure what to expect. However, as I looked at the grinning nobleman, something was off. Rith was right, his gait seemed … off. The depressions he made in the sand seemed to be of something larger… I sifted what I saw through a divine prayer for sight. The illusion was more readily apparent then. A dragon. A very … Very… large dragon. A Red one. Though in truth this one was larger than any dragon I’d yet to see… even dwarfed the one up in the Cloudpeaks.

“Step back.”

I murmured to the others. If it shifted, and we remained where we stood… we’d likely be crushed before we could move.

“I am not here to engage you young ones.”

He held up a hand and slowly produced an object as he spoke.

“I came looking for the owner of this………”

Sari stiffened as we eyed the elven digit. Discolored by necrosis as it had been long separated from the hand it once belonged to… I reached a steadying hand to her as the color drained from her face. Randall demanded answers as I tugged Sari, slowly closer to me. I wasn’t sure how I intended to hang onto her if the dragon decided to take wing with her… But by the Mercies I wasn’t letting go so long as I was able to hold on.

“Dragons consort with Bhaalists these days?”

I asked of it. It answered, though I wondered how much truth its words bore.

"I found this little bit of evidence amongst the slain remains of my mate."

Either his mate had the finger already, or the Bhaalists planted it there… or the beast was lying to us. Which ever it was… I couldn’t help but wonder what a finger taken by the Bhaalists was doing in the hands of a dragon… I wondered at the path from Sari’s hand to the Dragon’s…

“There is another much larger than I who heads this way. I wish to conclude my business and leave.”

Larger? Dear Mercy! That was enough to draw a worried whisper from even Siomir.

"Know that Karthannohopterex fears no creature, save this one."

So this was the name of the dragon we faced… and it was afraid of the one who was on the way here? As the conversation unfolded it would seem that the one who stood before us was not a he, but a she, and she sought eggs… Eggs which were apparently in Doron Amar. From what I could gather, she didn’t want the eggs for the young they held… nor did she seem all that broke up about her dead mate… She merely wanted vengeance for the slight. The eggs had originally come from the lizard men in Amn.

Jonas arrived and the conversation was brought to a close before Rith and the others could have their questions about this other dragon answered. I was relieved to see Jonas, though not the bandits that followed him. There was fighting, and by the time the dust settled, the dragon was gone.

Instead we fought wave after wave of dragon disciples and cultists thrown through the portal at us. She wanted her eggs back to feed to this other dragon… We fought our hardest. The last thing I remember before being unconscious was the dragon demanding Sari… and Sari stepping through. However it wasn’t the foes from the portal that felled us… but a sneaky tactics from more of the bandits who had followed Jonas to the beach. I was knocked out when a an attempt to dodge a blade sent me into the rocks.

When I awoke to the tendings of a priest of Oghma, I panicked. Fortunately, things were… mostly alright. The others were being similarly tended. Sari was far out of reach. We made our way back to the beach taking care of the remaining stragglers. It was apparent that Sari was far beyond our immediate reach. We made our way back to Candlekeep where the mages agreed to help us set up a means to teleport there and get her back… All the way from the Spine of the World. It would take the night to set up the magic for teleporting that far, and all we could do was wait. Jonas and I rode a pair of horses to the city. We nearly rode the poor dears to death.

That night was restless. I couldn’t speak for the others, though I was sure Jonas hadn’t rested well… again… My stomach wasn’t content to really sit in one place for long. I didn’t want to worry the others. At least not just yet. The ginger helps most of the time. Still, it had been nearly a month. I couldn’t keep blaming it on nerves indefinitely. I did take the time to speak with Tessian. He was overjoyed, though he wasn’t surprised. He had suspected ever since I refused breakfast a tenday and a half ago. He begged me to tell as few as possible lest those who wish me ill sought to sabotage it. I was only allowed to leave the orphanage on the uttermost promise that I would be exceptionally cautious. I imagine though that he would feel better if he could lock me away for the time being.

He’s changed since coming back from Trademeet. Not in a bad way, and not drastically… But he has calmed. He is less jittery… less flighty. Finally ready perhaps to settle into the responsibilities life has set before him. This is good all things considered. He has taken up a great deal of work within the orphanage. Though he still has his charming sense of humor… ever ready to save me when things become too serious… He has taken on a serious note all his own. He was reluctant to let me make my way out the next morning. With an understanding I have grown to admire… He kissed me gently before sending me on my way hopeful for my return, and wishing me safe and speedy journeying. How I love him… and there are no ways to put such into words.

We gathered in front of the Spire, battle ready and intent on bringing Sari back. Randall had arrived first, being closest to the Keep. Siomir and Rith had arrived with Kald shortly before Jonas, were ready as we could be. Our usual pep talks and battle plans loosely laid out, supplies were checked and re checked. Finally the initiate came from the Tower and let us know that things were ready to teleport us the distance. We would also have the means to get back quickly, by way of an enchanted stone that Jonas carried. Moments after that we stepped through a portal…

The air was dry and hot. Heat radiated from the rocks and it was unmistakable that we stood in some sort of volcanic cave system. Though the heat didn’t bother me… the smell on the air served as a constant reminder of the promise I had made the night before. I took up my place in the center of the group, and we moved with tactical purpose forward. I offered several prayers and then sanctified myself.

Our first impasse was some sort of puzzle that seemed to eat magic if you got too close. Not to mention it was able to absorb magical energies protecting us. It took a great deal of thought, finally we determined that we would have to touch a precise set of runes simultaneously… without getting too close to the thing that drew our protections from us. Once this was done we were passed by way of portal to another part of the cave region.

There was indeed plenty of fighting. Slowly we picked our way through the caverns. We came to a dead end of sorts, with a crystal in it. A very large crystal. Intrigued we examined the artifact. Rith saw something in it with her eagle eyes… and struck it. The crystal cracked some. She began hitting it with as much force as she could muster. Siomir thought to help her, but it seemed attuned more to the divine sorts. I think, anyway. It’s nature seemed divine, and rather powerful at that. Jonas’ strike had effect too, and the crystal rang out. It was Rith’s furious slapping storm though, and Jonas’ and Kald’s divine blades that struck it. Jonas spoke as he readied a powerful blow and spoke:

"Torm, guide my blade."

They echoed through the room, far louder than they should have and finally the crystal cracked enough to release what was inside. Jonas had said it was a good thing… and I looked on in wonder at the small creature that emerged.

Small creature, but it was large for its type. The weasel skittered about as though it was happy to be free. It eyed us curiously, as we did it. It seemed to glow faintly. As it danced about and eyed us. I thought to feed it, worried at first it would be like that rabbit from Candlekeep that tried to eat the whole coast… This creature however seemed good. It began to twist magic into some sort of workings, alarming at first until I realized it was something to help it communicate with us.

The spell complete, it greeted us briefly before casting another spell, a very old, and very powerful one that I would not have even recognized if it weren’t for my time with the Red Wizard. It blinked from sight and back again rather quickly.

"They not catch Seetzee this time."

"Seetzee. . .is your name, or another?"

Jonas asked it as it ran about. It was as though the thing were magically hasted.

"Seetzee the name my kind lady Mystryl gave me."

Jonas and I exchanged looks of surprise.

“Thats old…”

Rith whispered and I looked at her. Mystral… not Mystra…

There was muted conversation about the age of the creature before us as it whisked from pack to pack, its little nose working furiously. The poor thing was hungry. Fortunately for Seetzee… Siomir had a supply of my muffins stashed. Which didn’t last long…

Once it was done with it’s meal, it began casting a spell… the magic was ancient. I again, only recognized the incantation because of failed attempts by the Thayans. It was a spell meant to calm and comfort. It calmed Jonas considerably. In fact I can honestly say I have never felt him so at peace and comfortable. It was… peaceful in every sense of the word. A much deserved moment of rest in truth, whether the creature realized it or not.

Rith got a bit upset when it cast some sort of magic on Kald… the defensive nature of siblings leading to an offensive will to protect. It didn’t seem to wish us harm. The nature of the spell it cast, once again ancient… seemed to be some sort of scrying… It allowed the caster to ‘scry’ the person’s life… Perhaps it was merely curious? I don’t know… the creature was difficult to keep up with. It was like watching Shelly after she has had too many sweets. It finally skirted around the cavern and looked over a pool of lava that lent a great deal of heat to the room.

"Big one... I seen the Creators build those. Very mean."

"You have seen the creation of the red dragons?"

The shock in Jonas’ voice was as evident as the shock on my own face… I was pained to think of just how long the creature had been held captive… Then our eyes followed Seetzee’s gaze… and I felt my stomach drop.

“Jonas... I don't have the power to channel through that kind of battle... without some time to prepare... f we can't at least gather our strength... and our skills... we won't make it to his big toe…”

I fought back the wave of nausea and the others agreed. Jonas asked for Seetzee’s help, and the creature obliged. We rested for a time… I must have dozed off… as must have the others because when we woke, Seetzee had scattered our things about the cavern, his curiosity getting the better of him.

He agreed to help us to a point… but the creature had promised not to cause harm to any other… So his help was limited to undoing the magical barriers in our way. In return, it wanted free of this awful place, to which we agreed.

“Seetzee did his part, remember me!”

It called as it moved to hide … not far in front of us stood a very large red dragon.

“HALT!“

It boomed.

“Before we engage. Know this... I Karthannohopeterex, am not your enemy."

“You aren't? Then point me at who is... Where is my sister, one of your kind took her?”

Siomir smiled mockingly at the beast… Jonas’ glare was fierce on the creature.

“By acting before my missive could arrive--"

“All reds are enemies.. they can not be trusted.. evil runs through your blood beast.”

I remembered Rith’s service to Bahamut.

"I took her to try to regain my eggs... Take her and go, my fate is sealed either way."

Perhaps to ease my mind as the beast all but cowered before us, Jonas cast detect evil as I frowned. His eyes glazed with the power of the spell for a moment. He was silent.

“Jonas?”

"This is my enemy, regardless."

Kald and Rith echoed similar statements. Duty bound to kill the creature the three of them… Siomir would see her dead simply for slighting his family. Regardless Sari was behind us and blessedly safe…

"I would rather die by your blades than take Klauth as my mate."

She backed up as far as she could in the seemingly small cavern that much of her girth occupied.

“Why must you lot be so evil... why must you kill destroy, and kidnap so uncaringly.. why can't you cleanse your blood… and pledge yourself to Bahamut.”

Rith asked her? Jonas spoke next, his voice holding a note of… anger? Or perhaps resolution.

"Then at least know that Klauth will meet the same fate."

“Jonas…”

He turned the full force of his glare on me… and it was a look that could shake lesser souls to the core… The anger that would guide his blade was a storm of righteous fury. The only reason I could meet his gaze at all was because I knew that the glower and the anger were neither one for me.

“No doubts?”

"It is evil. I have a duty, Meri."

“Jonas... You know my oath... it isn't even willing to fight.”

The dragon thought to bribe us with her hoard… unfortunately for her we were not greedy adventurers. For her to get the eggs was out of the question as well… She would either allow them to grow to monstrosities or this one called Klauth would eat them for power. She tried reminding us that she did not hurt Sari, which was very true. Sari said if the beast did not hand over her eggs she would be tormented endlessly by this Klauth. Not only that, but it was implied that this other dragon would come for the eggs too. The dragon lowered her head as she was running out of pleading options… Even tried to convince us that her passing would anger this other beast… all while Jonas and I exchanged a look.

Look is putting it nicely. Jonas’ rage was growing in intensity… almost unbearable… I could respect it was needed for such a task, but at the same time… Her stood the least deserving of Mercy. If she could not be redeemed, which I was certain she could not be… then she was at least entitled to a swift and merciful death… and as I thought of Siomir and the others… I worried for the latter.

"This shouldn't be a battle... at best an execution... You know my oaths... but is this …"

“We have absolutely no reason to trust you.”

Siomir spoke, his voice laced with the promise of death.

“Even if it does not attack, doesn’t mean it won’t fight back, Meri.”

Kald’s words did offer me some bit of peace. Though it was asking Mercy and entitled to at least the measure of swift death… we were not about to match with a helpless creature. Still I gazed at Jonas, and he at me.

"Enough."

He said finally.

"Even if she dies, he will still come for the eggs, Siomir."

Sari spoke to Siomir, and he was more than willing to lay that worry to rest.

“Oh, I'll fix that issue. The eggs are omelets. There won't -be- any eggs to be found.”

Jonas turned to the dragon.

"We fight this day. Prepare to dance. If I am wrong, then on my head be it."

Sadly in some ways, and gladly in many others… I knew he was not wrong.

“To Tiamat with you all!!!”

She shouted and raised her head high. Her roar shook the cavern around us… Jonas, Siomir and Kald charged. Rith began to call on the magic that coursed through her veins. Sari found her weapons and joined the fight. I moved about dodging blade and claw as the battle raged, mending where I could. With aid of divine protections… the others dodged the worst blows. The fighting was fierce as the creature that stood before us… I took peace in the fact that her cries for mercy and her pleas for her life were nothing more than selfish will to survive. Some time later, the creature emitted another rumble that shook the cave… but this time it was no roar, but the sound of her immense body collapsing. The battle had been won.

We gathered ourselves, and Seetzee and Sari… a rescue mission for one, turning into the salvation of two, and Jonas broke the enchanted stone that would return us to Candlekeep. Kald Rith, Siomir and Sari headed to Doron Amar to see to the eggs and. Randall bid his farewells and made his way back to his own home. Jonas and I made our way to the city, tired and each lost to our own thoughts.

That was the end of that battle, but I couldn’t help but wonder what lay ahead. Over the next day there was talk on how to deal with the dragon that was now headed our way. The more they talked of how powerful the creature was, I couldn’t help but worry that Sari’s finger had been planted deliberately… that the dragons weren’t involved as a means to trap us into an almost impossible battle… and make the fight easier for the Bhaalists.

I was on my way back to the Friendly Arm Inn to see if Jonas was still there. He had stayed to talk with Valerius and Auriel as we, myself and several others, went to meet with a wizard about Klauth, the other dragon… but there was a Duergar asking for Valerius… No doubt some sort of nefarious Drow scheme… likely a spy sent to cause trouble.

I remember those foul things. The matron’s favorite torturers if the priestesses felt lazy. Cruel, terrible things. I will admit that … well I was afraid when I saw it. Fortunately Vilith was there, and the guards were quick to get rid of the beast. Yes likely some sort of plot… and that was before Jonas told me of the other ties to the Underdark in this. It only made me think that the dark dwarf was a spy all the more.
This on top of rumors of Bane’s faithful allying with the Drow. There was a Drow caught in Doron Amar a few days ago it seems. Another spy perhaps. Bane and Bhaal have always been allies…

Yes, I worried greatly for the things to come… My unsettled stomach kept me in the temple, where I stuck to lighter duties today… Having not written in far too many days, I decided to take this evening to try and settle thoughts on parchment. I will have to speak with Jonas though… and I will have to be very careful. This will be difficult to hide for much longer.

There is too much to do though. I pray all that is Mercy and all that is light and good make ready. The tasks ahead of us will no doubt be difficult. Fortunately, we do have a bit of time before this new problem arrives it seems. Klauth, Old Snarl, the magus Velseart had called him… This magus is an expert of sorts on the beast. One of the few to see him and live to tell about it… Already worry spreads among the common folk. We will have to plan carefully. I worry more though for the effect on the people. If panic were to break loose… with so many other issues like trouble from Amn and such… it could bode ill for the overall outcome of things. I imagine to get through this, we will need all our tricks and methods… all our combined skills and knowledge to see it through.

Still we had to be somewhat careful, dragons had the ability to appear as humans or elves and Mercy knows what else. If Valerius' previous worries were right about stirrings of Tiamut's cult, then we may have more immediate issues. Time reveals all things, and light always burns away shadow. All we can do is prepare and pray.

Mercy be with us all… be with them all… By strength of faith… we must not waver now, more than ever.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND FOURTEENTH ENTRY]
The smallest moments of joy… The greatest Mercies

It was breakfast that gave me away. Our morning ritual punctuated by my nausea. He cooked a grand meal, as he had every morning, just before the children were to wake. It was a small selfish thing we allowed ourselves. Breakfast in the quiet, together. Relishing in the moments before duty and chore set us to task. I had awakened later than normal, and had missed helping with the pancakes and such. He did not seem to mind. Humming cheerfully and chattering with Cloud about what a vampire she was… and the mischievous cat seemed content to wait for him to ‘accidentally’ drop bacon despite the name calling. Polly sat on the back of the chair, Tabbi in it, still trying to figure out if the parrot was worth the risk of catching.

I watched from the stairs a moment, breathing in the scent of breakfast with relish at first… and then my stomach flipped as my dear husband turned the pancake with a flip if the skillet. The faint groan that resulted gave me away. Tessian turned to me and smiled.

“Good morning, my sleeping beauty.”

“Good morning.”

My answer was less than convincing as I stepped down the stairs.

“Stomach still causing trouble? You should talk to Junie dear about that.”

He gave me an odd look.

“It’s just nerves, love. With everything that is going on.”

He placed a hand on my shoulder and bent to give me a kiss, then he set a plate in front of me. His face showing a rare moment of seriousness.

“Is it?”

I nodded, my eyes on the plate, a battle of wills between my stomach and my want to show him I was alright began. Already I was losing as I took a pair of deep breaths. He kissed the top of my head.

“Are you certain, my little Meribird?”

I went to nod again… instead finding myself running out the back door. He wasn’t but half a step behind me. The cool spring rain felt wonderful on the back of my neck, the sun wasn’t up yet, but faint traces of light lurked behind the clouds. Tessian was there, steadying me and offering humorous support about the rain being heavy enough to clean the mess… once back inside, several sips of water later… and some ginger and mint respectively… the plate had been replaced with a glass of water and some dry toast.

“Nerves?”

He asked again with a raised brow… this time I shook my head…

“Poison? I’ll throw out all the tea! I’ll go get Sister Rachel!”

He was ready to run out in the rain, half dressed and with no shoes, already taking all the tea supply to the trash. I had to laugh.

“No, love… it isn’t poison.”

He stopped and turned slowly. My smile widened.

“Why are you smiling… I wasn’t joking. What’s wrong… Some sort of foul adventuring mishap?”

“No… it’s nothing bad.”

“So… what is it?”

I chuckled and stood. Crossing the short few steps between us I wrapped my arms around him and murmured in his ear.

“A baby.”

He swayed a bit… looking at me in utter shock. His eyes widened slowly as he mouthed the words back soundless… I nodded and stepped back to look at him… which might have been a mistake because he promptly fainted.

Once I got him back upright, we sat at the table. He looked at me, his expression one of barely contained joy and adoration. We talked a great long while… breakfast forgotten. Panic gripped him and it took some time for me to explain that there was no need to panic. No need to lock me in the nearest tower to be guarded by Silver dragons… no need to find said dragons… No need to have Jonas lock me in the nearest temple… Or any need to kidnap me and hide me away… Or have the guards in triplicate.

By then Sister Juna had arrived, and the children had begun to wake. Tessian took my hand and smiled, he was happy, happier than I had ever seen him… and terrified. He made me promise to be careful, and not Travel alone. Two hours later, the children had been fed and morning lessons well underway, it was time for me to make my way to the temple. Murmured ‘I love yous’ and a kiss that put every other kiss to shame… he let me leave… reluctantly though it was.
~~

Two tenday later? I was sitting in the quiet of the orphanage. It was difficult to rest, much less sleep when there had been so much going on. All these troubles with Bhaalists, Banites and Dragons. I’d gone through the motions of tea, but once again I found no want for it… and didn’t dare try to force the issue. It had been quiet. Most of the children hadn’t noticed a difference… Those closest… if they noticed the difference, be it because I was cooking less, eating less… and certainly drinking less tea… didn’t say anything of the issue.

Jonas came in quietly, nodding to the guards and carried a box up to the spare room in the attic. He and Ali and Inara would be staying here while the place that would serve as both work and home was being built. Aethor and Adara, and the two twins would be buying the old manor. He didn’t notice me until he came back down.

"Hello, sister dear."

“How are you, dear brother?”

"Alright, for the most part. I am concerned about how quickly the word of dragons has spread throughout the Gate."

“Indeed. Spies and ne'er do wells no doubt.”

He looked about the orphanage, try though I might I couldn’t hide an inner smile as the serious note of the conversation tried to keep foot hold. The faint layer of dust in the least used places went unnoticed. Or at least it seemed to escape my brother’s eyes.

“At least things are still manageable. How is Ali?”

I shifted the subject, reaching for the tea cup out of habit… only to change my mind.

"She is well. I don't think I remembered to tell her about the Sigers buying our manor over near the High Hall, though.”

He smiled a bit, still glancing about as though something odd was afoot.

“I am sure she will take it well. Besides it means I can keep a closer eye on her pregnancy for a time.”

I grinned at him, and again he gazed about the room as though waiting for some assassin to jump from the shadows. Occasionally I got an odd glance and a bit of unsettled confusion from my brother. No doubt my odd, barely contained happiness at odds with the atmosphere of the room.

"Rith'alaria seems worried that casting magic is harmful to the baby. Do you know anything about it? She will not ask Ali to fix her dress because of this."

“Things such as necromancy can cause problems... anything that actually changes the body might, other than that, any harmful magic that can injure her can pose a risk of course.”

I raised a brow.

“Are you waiting for some monster to pop from the shadows? We are short on Monsters today... Tessian the mighty slayed them all. And if Rith is worried about magic harming the baby... I doubt she will let me fix the dress either now.”

I grinned as he started to speak. I waited patiently as his worried gaze fell over the orphanage.

"I just have the odd feeling that something isn't right he-"

He cut off, his gaze cutting to my own mischievous smile. His eyes seemed to try to look -through- mine.

"Come again?"

“Rith won't let me fix her dress either.”

I spoke slowly. My words drawn out as I tried so hard not to laugh. He simply blinked at me. My smile grew so wide that I thought the hells would shatter under my joy… Finally he spoke again… voice barely more than a course whisper.

"What did Tessian say?"

For all intents and purposes, he might have well been my table that Ramas clubbed. I am sure if the table could have had a stunned expression… it would have mirrored the look on Jonas’ face.

“That he should probably lock me in the most fortified tower and get as many protectors of all that is good he can find to guard it for about eight months... But that he knew better and hoped the Meribird liked her nest at least. Made me promise to be careful.”

I hopped up and moved to his side. He looked about like Tessian did just before the poor dear passed out.

“Are you alright? maybe you should sit down? Tessian fainted... you aren't going to too are you? Sit down... Mercy knows if you fall I won't be able to lift you unless I call on the strength of the heavens.”

I couldn’t help but smile as one arm nudged Jonas to the chair, and the other reached for smelling salts. Finally, a slow smile erupted in the middle of his stunned look. All at once I was giggling and my feet were a good four inches from my beloved floor.

"Congratulations! I know you've hoped for this for a long time."

I was laughing as he finally set me down again. We talked a great deal longer. While not everything we discussed was as cheerful, I couldn’t help but smile from time to time. The grin was infectious. It kept the worst troubles at bay until Jonas made his way home and I sought rest myself. Auriel was able to help him seek sleep. He is right, the domain of sleep is best governed by the Lady of Dreams… and the secrets held by her priestesses are closely guarded. Rightfully so, I will have to thank her. I am glad to see that Jonas is both in better spirits and resting again… or perhaps for the first time in years… truly resting.
~~

He stepped in quiet as a whisper. Watchful as ever, his eyes scanned the place, every corner and shadow scrutinized before his gaze rested on my own. Ever the silent watchman, even at our worst of times… One of the few redemptions that had not failed to my dismay. One of the few betrayals that had mended. The only one who stood with me longer than the rest at the Siege, aside from Emrys… May Mercy somehow find him even now… His initial betrayal had been difficult. Forgiveness had been slow in coming. I was patient. The last couple tenday or so had seen more frequent visits… even if he had gone unseen, but today he looked me in the eyes.

He was tired looking… older looking than I ever remembered him, more a father figure now than he had been in the past. The cold distance in his eyes that I had grown used to since Billy’s death was gone… as was the burning fury since his daughter was taken and the last vestiges of his hope all but shattered and scattered. In its place was a renewed hope that I had not seen in his face in over a year… On his face was a look of relief, he was happy, smiling. I smiled.

“Its good to see you Meri.”

Meri… he hadn’t called me that since the Siege either.

“It is good too see you too, dear. How are you?”

“I... I am content.”

I smiled and nodded when he asked if he could sit for a bit, I offered him some tea, expecting him to decline as he often did in the past. Today though, he accepted. This too brought a smile to my face as I readied a pot of tea and the tray. Everyone else had gone to sleep. The place was silent. I moved my mass of sewing projects off the table, and had a seat.

“Everything alright?”

“Why I think it is. How have things fared with you?”

“Rather well actually.”

We each took small sips of tea, I hoped it would settle well, and spoke.

“Even with all the troubles about... things could be worse, I suppose.”

“Did you know my banishment from the Gate is finished?”

A sentence for a crime… one he had served as diligently as loyalty allowed. Though I had long ago forgiven the trespass, and stubbornly refused to let one more fall by the wayside, he had begrudgingly obliged. And yet, somehow the months had passed, some moments seeming in a blink… and some seeming an eternity. The passage of time truly was odd to me. A constant mystery.

“Has it been that long already? That is good news. This last year seems to have snuck by me.”

“This year has done everything but slip by me.”

He chuckled and I nodded. It wasn’t the bitter… hollow laughter that I had grown used to over the last year. He looked at me, his expression growing serious again.

“You know why I have been gone so much yes?”

Indeed I did. The ceaseless search for the ill-willed son, and ill-fated daughter. His was truly a remarkable and terrible set of choices. I watched it nearly break him. Losing one son, gaining him only to lose him… gaining a daughter and wife … shifting of time… So much trouble he had endured. Choices I wasn’t sure I could have made… It was Billy’s loss that started the downward spiral… Cora’s loss that nearly destroyed him. He was an enemy then, driven to madness and extremes by loss and anguish.

It seemed a different man who sat here smiling at me. It was a tired smile… not so much of joy, but relief as he spoke again.

“I have finished it.”

I arched a brow and waited for him to continue.

“Mona found our daughter, lost in the docks without much memory of what happened.”

If Cora was free then that could only mean that… As the thoughts formed he continued, after taking a deep, ragged breath.

“The problem has been... dealt with.”

So he was dead… yet another difficult choice he would make… one I was grateful was not my own. It also explained why Mona and Alamin had visited the temple so infrequently recently. I smiled at him.

“A weight on my shoulders Meri... I feel so free now. I have not felt this in too long.”

The smile he offered me then was heart wrenching.

“I should of listened to you since the beginning, somehow mercy has found its way, in the end.”

“It always does, old friend. Even if it takes time. A blessing Cora doesn't remember much... though if you need anything, don't hesitate to ask?”

“I don’t think I will be having problems anytime soon. I am going to lay low, I need rest. But what of you? You said there were troubles about?”

His gaze turned more serious again. I explained the various issues.

“Perhaps I shall take my break later.”

“Absolutely not. It's nothing that won't sort. At least take a break... The Coast will always have its troubles.”

“Bhaalists mean trouble, they always do. I was here the last time dark gods came grumbling, I shall be here again now. Besides, if I recall you never took my advice of taking a break.”

That wry, challenging smirk met my stubborn gaze.

“Indeed... on both counts. Though I did take a plea of rest... got married and took a honeymoon if that counts.”

That wasn’t all I had managed… I thought to myself a moment as a wave of nausea sought to interrupt our pleasant conversation. He frowned.

“Is there something wrong? You can tell me Merielle.”

“Wrong? Not... Entirely.”

“You do not look well. Are you not sleeping again?”

I smiled almost at the hint of fatherly worry that crept into his voice.

“I am sleeping... and... this will pass in several months. I've had trouble the last month or so. Thought it was nerves.”

“If its poison, you should be at the temple under rest, not here at the orphanage.”

Goodness? Had I really been threatened so much that everyone leapt to poisonings and hidden assassins? Maybe so… But I couldn’t help but chuckle at him.

“It isn't poison. You worry too much.”

He looked confused.

“Worry? I call it caution.”

“Don't tell too many people yet... A baby.”

He sat back in his seat a bit in surprised… stuttering as he nearly fell from his seat. The poor man had lost his voice as he looked over at me.

“I... I thought you couldn't…”

“So did I... But... I was wrong... it isn't nerves.”

A smile… one of truest, most sincere joy… probably the like of which I hadn’t seen since before Cora was taken… If not longer than that… no… it had been longer… He hadn’t smiled like that since we danced at the Feldepost’s Inn… and that was more than a year ago… It seemed an eternity between one smile and the next.

“I've not seen you smile like that in over a year.”

He tried to push the smile away, to resume his usual stern countenance… and failed miserably, giving up.

“What can I say?”

He shrugged, grinning. I laughed.

“A child of your own... I can still remember the day Alamin was born, even now.”

I jumped up to give him a hug. For the first time since well before the siege… well before so many of the troubles that had filled so much time… He returned the hug, without trepidation or hesitation. A genuine hug. I relished it. Finally, after so long… The man that I had met so long ago, the one I saw as a surrogate father since my arrival to the Gate, was standing… at my side again. It was a precious victory. A rift mended, with nary a trace of the wound that had once been there.

“I've mid-wifed so many, raised a few... this is so daunting to even consider... I am terrified and excited… some moments more terrified.“

“Ha! Compared to what I have seen you face, this shall be…”

He took a breath and calmed himself… and smiled at me

“It shall be difficult, but you will do fine. Truly though Merielle, I am happy for you.”

I laughed.

“Thank you for the vote of confidence, old man.”

We talked until the moon was high, and hidden behind clouds… impending rain chasing him from his seat. I offered a grateful prayer as he walked away. Overhead the spring storm made it’s presence known as a peal of thunder shattered the stillness… the lighting outlining his silhouette. He glanced back and smiled, offering a small nod before disappearing in the shadows and the rain…

“Travel well, and may Mercy continue to walk with you... Try not to be such a stranger.”
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTEENTH ENTRY]
A Counting of Blessings

Things have settled into their own sort of routine… including my stomach. The raspberry tea helps. In the least it is limited to certain foods that no longer include my beloved tea or breakfast rituals. Indeed I have gone from an inability to eat, to an almost impossible and constant hunger. Almonds. The Sisters of Saint Jasper often said that there were cravings, based on the body’s needs. Seems mine has a want for nuts and fruit. I find myself falling on the months I trained under their wisdoms a great deal lately. Not just for my own benefit, but for others’ as well.

It is a surreal thought… to count the time between now and Nightal. So close to this one small thing that I have often prayed for, and been too afraid to do more than hope for… and yet, here I am… Here we are. Waiting. I try to be patient, but some moments it is nearly maddening. Other moments it is terrifying. My duty has always been to the children… I find myself hesitating to put myself in harm’s way. Is it Duty to my own child, or selfishness that compels me? My comfort in this is that Ilmater has yet to turn from me for it. There are still many ways I can help without risking the child I now hold so dear.

The children in the orphanage are excited too. The older ones have been a blessing in helping Sister Juna with lessons and such. I think they may have at least a small hand in the missing mops and brooms… though I imagine more of that is Tessian’s mischief, and means of keeping me from ‘working too hard’… No such thing really, but they seem to think I will try..

Speaking of husbands… Joan finally has one. Dearest, truest sister… It was a lovely day, despite the rain. Joan looked so very happy. There were hardly any problems, save for two known wedding crashers… It breaks my heart to know some people cannot be happy lest they are ruining the joy of others, though I doubt they were able to dampen the spirits of the ceremony. Spring is such a brilliant time of year, and it leant all its wonder to the day. One more such lovely day in the foreseeable future… So many shadows are fading of late, and the light has been brilliant, inching the darkness away one hopeful moment of joy at a time.

Subject: Candlekeep: The Guild of the Scholars

Yes, the shadows are slowly receding. Among them, the Banite temple. I had been so worried for the others. I was pleased to hear that the battle went swiftly… and more pleased to hear that it wasn’t a drawn out and slow massacre like the Bhaalist conflict had become. I am not used to sitting on the sidelines while the others rush off to fight. It was nerve wracking. And that was only the least of it.

I was worried when I had gotten word that Auriel was going into early labor. Fortunately the worst of it was staved off by the time I got there, and I merely saw to her recovery. Seeing her as she was… dangerously close to losing her own children… reminded me quite pointedly -why- I sat at home while Jonas and the others met conflict head on. My duty is to the children. And to this child of my own as much as any… this gift, a more precious mercy than I could ever measure. To throw such a gift away, so carelessly…

Fortunately Auriel chose not to argue the regimen… I could tell she was displeased with it… I would be too. Neither of us are accustomed to sitting idle for long, and leaving work to others. I could sympathize with her. As I told her though… The babies must come first. Our duties as mothers, and our duties as priestesses… to protect those who cannot protect themselves… And these small gifts, blissfully unaware of the world that awaits them… These we must protect… May the Hosts of the Heavens forever walk with us. May Mercy continue to smile on the Coast.

Which we may need more than ever, lest the shadow that is the Banites grow longer in the twilight of victory. Jonas said some of the Banites escaped. I wonder how long it will be before they seek retribution for the loss of their temple? We must be cautious for now… if not for always, but such is the way of things. In time, there will be no more shadows, but for now… those of us who are able must carry the light to the darkest of places. And so we shall. Gladly.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTEENTH ENTRY]
A Painful truth

Ilmater forgive me… This day I was asked forgiveness, and could not grant it. I’ve held accountable one, perhaps undeserved, perhaps not… for the actions of many. I pray this is something I can come to terms with in time… Something that perhaps I can forgive, and one of the few I wish I could forget. If this was a test of my ability to forgive, I have failed such… if it was a lesson in my own humanity… I understand. It seems, at present though, a painful reminder that my days have been defined by betrayals, that with every turning point there has been the turn of a dagger. I ask forgiveness, but I wonder what right I truly have for such?

Jonas’ inescapable ire, and his unusual disquiet… not to mention the seething anger is understood now, and it is no small wonder that even I could not calm my brother. A glaring reminder of my hate for politics. Though any other who knew us so well, not to mention those who don’t… might be inclined to blame Jonas’ anger for my own. But he bears no blame for it. It rests on my shoulders. The muted shock, the hurt, the loss that my heart cannot move past, these are to blame for my anger.

She is right, I no doubt would have turned her away had I known… Then or now, it doesn’t matter. Though we both could be spared this hurt, had it have been sooner rather than later. Yes, I would spare her this now, if only by turning her away sooner. Because I pity her? No… and while I despise what she represents… even the enemy is worth that measure of mercy. Is she truly my enemy? Or is it simply that she was never truly the friend I thought her to be? When honesty is foregone… who can say? Is she any more my enemy now than I ever thought her to be? Any less a friend? Perhaps not at the heart of the matter. She has proven though, where her true loyalties lie, and wish to remain. And now I face a most difficult set of choices.

“What I'm about to disclose will likely alter your perceptions. You deserve to know before just finding out by rumor or news. Meri, I am a Red Wizard of Thay.”

She sat there across from me. The woman I at once could have called sister. At once I did. Though I suspected her of such things as a liking to toy with the emotions of others, of a nearly cruel sort of mischief and an unfailing sense of frugal morality, where coin and power were the over all compass, oddities of one sort or another… some sort of involvement in Joan’s demise at the time of the wedding… many other small, easily forgiven things… Never did I suspect her roots to be twisted among those I despised the most.

And as my mind struggled to rationalize what she had said, I remember seeking something sensible to grasp, for this surely had none. Despite her flaws, conceived or otherwise, she had done much for me… much I was forever grateful for. I had defended her often amid the words of others, without hesitation. Some part of me, I think tried to do so then… As Thay’s faces swirled in my memory, I struggled to place hers among them. She mentioned her acting odd before… odd now that my mind shifted blame from wherever it had lain previously, to heritage now. Once I realized she was not offering some sort of hypothetical… surprise gave way to a familiar hurt.

Had I been lied too? Only lied to? I had been used for my naiveté before. Foolishly, and unwittingly served as a shield to others. Had I done so for her all this time? Unknowingly aided one who is among those I consider a threat, second only to Bhaal?

Jonas’ hand was on my shoulder, my stomach twisting in ways that it hadn’t even managed since I became with child. Half fragmented questions fell from my lips as she sat across the table. She simply looked at me for a time. The earlier attempted small talk on tea, and Jonas’ angry words cutting it short, all but forgotten. The teacup in my hand nearly fell. It had long since gone lukewarm, a sip now and it tasted only of sand. As my thoughts careened about, each leading to a more painful memory… pain gave way to indignation, which swiftly was crumbling into anger.

“I wanted to tell you before, but I was selfish ... you may be a paragon of mercy Meri, but you are still human and I liked my friendship.”

“Friendship? Built on Lies? Thay? Do you realize what you say?”

Questions more than accusations, I all but begged her to admit to some ruse meant to open my eyes to some fatal flaw. I thought to the conversations we had about Billy… the heated one we had hidden away, where she asked me why I did not simply give Billy up, or to Ilmater… And this… was the point, where any semblance of control on my own anger was lost. It had nothing to do with Jonas, and to a degree it had nothing to do with Selah as she sat there. Guilt by association. By assumption that one lie meant more lies and there was little I could do to make the situation better than it was… and I did a fine job at making it worse.

“A lie to protect my life, yes.”

The mask she wore, supposedly a sign indicative of her Rashemi heritage was gone. I thought of her sister… who never much acted like a Rashemi. She showed no other outward signs of Thay’s hand, but she seemed genuine in her confession. She truly was, as much as I didn’t want to hear it… Thayan, and not just Thayan… but a Red Wizard. The list of things she had done for my sake was bringing me little comfort now.

She had helped me protect Billy, try to find Dianne… suffer Bhaal… and at the same time, it was a Thayan who delivered me to them… and a Thayan who delivered Billy to them in the end. Thay, who I could trace to the root of nearly every trouble I suffer… took from me, that which I valued most.

“I'm so very sorry…”

“Wait... You mean to say something like that and then follow it with 'sorry'?”

“I'm sorry you had to find out at all, I kept that from you for a long time because of your history with my people.”

So how long would she have kept it from me, how long would I hold a nation of my enemies so close to the heart they wished to place the dagger in? Blast my foolish trust. Emrys was right, I understood more of betrayal than friendship, and I would endure one after the other. It made this one no easier to bear, this knowing that I could suffer it.

“Thay, Selah? Truly? What do you want from telling me this now?!”

It was the sort of anger that was permeated with hurt and betrayal, and at that moment I thought it could get no worse. Fool am I for thinking…

“Baldur's Gate is going to reinstate the enclave.”

The tea cup fell from my hand, spilling the remainder of it’s contents on the apron. I was dimly aware of two things, Jonas’ hand on my shoulder and anger… Less anger and more hurt and fear, but it presented itself in a manner I’ll be apologizing for a good long while.

“Blast it all! Thay! Treacherous Snakes, and you have done nothing but prove you are no better than the bastard wizard that delivered me to Bhaal's torture chamber! Did you know?”

“But to answer your question, no ..I don't know about any Thayan aiding Bhaalists. ...really... I've proved no better. I've rebuilt Nashkell... I'm trying to stop a brooding war...and I wanted you to know the truth from me, directly.”

“They -took him- from me... your people. As you called them just a moment ago!”

“I bleed for you, Meri...was blinded for you... and Bhaal raped my mind… because I tried to help… you.”

The truth in that was lost in indignation. Hurt… it was anger that spared me tears then, Billy’s last moments fresh in my mind, only adding to the hurt that came from Selah’s words. I tried to look past it, see the friendship that was once there, but she was right, it had changed things. I could not look at Thay, at any of them… and not see Bhaal’s temple.

"Torturers and slavers... Liars. And now you simply tell me just like that-- That you are one among them. Am I to believe this truth now? That you cared as I believed you were not Thayan? Is it the same sort of truth? Is this another game of sorts? What am I to think?"

“No, it's no game, you can believe what you will. I'm not going to sit here and try to defend myself our my people, when I've seen equally horrible things along the Coast. Perhaps your experiences won't let you see anything else…”

“Defend yourself?! Mercy of Ilmater I'll not raise a hand to you. What do you want? My pity? I hold little love for Thay, and with good reason. I despise liars. To think of a friendship, dear as it is... and see it built on both such things… What would you have me say?”

“Some secrets are kept till one knows they can have trust the other person can handle and cope with them. It doesn’t make anything I've done any less "true". The only lie I've ever done, is withhold what I was. In a land that would have me killed on sight.”

“Did you truly think such honesty could have gotten you killed at -my- hand? If your intentions were true, why lie at all?”

I eyed the woman across the table.

“Why not simply step away from The Red Wizards? Why... of all the things, even stay?”

“I can't, that would be like you stepping away from Ilmater.”

“Do not liken a country full of barbarians to a God. Hardly one in the same at all.”

I barely recognized my own voice… Harsh and unkind, edged in bitter hurt.

“Barbarians…”

She bit her own tongue, stopped a retort, but now, I was angry for the sake of anger. I bared Thayan brands, permanent scars, and testament to my time as a slave to Thay’s Red Wizard.

“Yes! Barbarians! Every suffering I have known can be traced to a Thayan hand…”

And now, a betrayal, to add to their list of hurts. Yet another once constant face, another case of me turning a blind eye to a person's faults. Dire ones no less. Another I would call friend, that I could no longer.

“Looking for a fight Meri...and you say I'm barbaric.. you won't find one here.”

“Part of me hopes you are lying now. I ... Given all that they have done... I know better than to truly trust any of them, and rather than prove otherwise… this only further entwines the need for distrust. Do you not see that?”

“Meri, given all that I know..or knew about you...if I was the serpent in the grass you think we all to be, why didn't I do anything. This is why I never told you, though I did want to. You will never see me the same.”

“Then why lie to me at all?”

“Baldur's Gate has a law, that all of my kind are to be killed. I didn't tell anyone.”

While I could understand why she did it, I couldn't get around the fact that my own trust, my own failings had let the enemy too close, and possibly risked everything, Everything. In the name of a friendship built on a lie. Was I more angry at Selah? Or my own misplaced trust, yet again? Had I not learned after so many?

“So if a Law changes the truth changes.”

“The truth never changed, I am what I am, but my ability to be forthcoming about it has. Do you not think even if the laws change those of my kind are not going to be hunted? No, not after what that fool three years ago did here. Then do you pray for them Meri? Have you forgiven them, Saint of Mercy?”

“And once again my own humanity is forgotten for convenience's sake.”

It stung… for all the venom and anger I laid at her feet, maybe I deserved that. I was yelling, snapping and angry, hurt… As the conversation turned to slaves. She asked me to forgive the lie, and I couldn’t. I looked at her, and some part of me might have wanted to… but I couldn’t. She asked me to help her find a better path at some point. And the only better path I knew to offer her was away from the wizards.

“You say respect me, you value my friendship, you list off all these things... and yet you could not simply have told me the truth.”

“I am now. What does it matter that is now or a year ago?”

“I've taken great pains to be truthful... thinking foolishly that it mattered, it seems. And if it did not matter then, who is to say it will matter in the future?”

“Meri, you thought I was odd.. I'm rather sure you felt I was often a bit more than that in your mind, yet you didn't come out and tell me so. Why? To save me pain, not hurt my feelings? Leave well enough alone?”

“I was never given cause to judge harshly, so I did not.”

“And my honesty now is... is this because I refrained from telling you...or because of where I'm from?”

“In truth? In most dear of truths?”

“Both… no doubt?”

"That you would still call them your people... still call yourself Thayan, stand here, after you saw what they did... plead ignorance... There were Thayans involved when he was taken... How could you go back to a -people- who would deliver us all to darkness? How am I to see past that? How am I to not hold all of Thay to his death when Those responsible remain hidden and likely safe... Behind Thayan politics and walls? How am I to trust any who step from those walls, when all I have ever known from them is pain... and loss and lies?"

I had placed the locket on the table, the one she had given me. She looked at it a long while, and I hoped she would turn from the path she was on.

“They are my people, Meri... I can not disown them, I will not. No people is perfect, all nations have their failings, I must do what I can to find a better path, it's why I am here. Every nation, it seems, in some fashion or another, is ready to grab for power.”

“Forgive me if I only know a few who are willing to sacrifice children for such.”

A defeat of sorts. I sighed and gathered up the dropped tea cup, and the now stained apron.

“I look to Thay and all I see is pain and death. Had your truth come before so much bloodshed... It might be easier to see one I once called Sister... rather than one who has merely betrayed such trust... Fool I was to trust so, despite the warnings.”

“Silly I guess I was...unwise to think you would look to help me find a better path.”

“The Better path? The best path is one that puts distance between you and the Wizards. Not one that sends you back into their webs of deceit and selfishness.”

“No. That ...opportunity is beyond me now. Fate has now set my course.”

“Nonsense, it can't be more difficult for you to get away than it was for me.”

“I'm not looking to run.”

“Then how is it you propose to do something Better?”

“Despite what you may think about Thay, how you think we "all" are...it is not true.”

Not all, no. Just enough of them.

“I would say I have never seen different, but if you are Truly Thayan... than you have proved the exception. As it stands you have only wounded my heart, leaving my mind and body in tact. Perhaps it will mend... But there is little I can do so long as you would sit at my side only to chance my enemy's side at the next turn.”

“I've only wounded your heart because you look at me as the enemy... when I do not consider you mine.”

“To help you I have to trust you to some measure... even the smallest... and I can't Selah. I can't."

I finally asked the question I was afraid to…

“Where were you when they took Billy from the City?”

“You'll remember my sister....I was away with her. I am sorry I wasn't there Meri, I did the best I could at the time by having the N.T.E. send supplies.”

“I wonder if you would have stood against them if you were here then? If you truly don't know who had a hand in it... Perhaps you should find out. Because I look to Thay and all I see is -death-. Perhaps you should learn what you embrace before you embrace it asking me to do the same.”

I couldn’t help but wonder if she did know… if she did have a hand in it… and it made my stomach turn.

“I am Thayan Meri, I know what it is.”

“Indeed. Then it seems we are either at an impasse or an understanding. Mercy find you... and walk with you.”

“I hope you find the time to talk with me again.”

As I made may way to the back of the temple, I wondered if I ever truly would… or could. It didn’t seem likely. How I pray she didn’t have a hand in his death… How I prayed.

I sat, scrubbing frustratedly at the apron, glaring at the locket that now seemed to mock Billy's death... finally I stuck it in my pocket. Some small part of me hoped the spirit of what the gift meant had not died, even as the illusion of true and honest friendship had faded.

Jonas and I talked a bit. He was tired, I was tired… I would weep, but I found no tears. In the wake of quickly cooling anger, I found only worry, and fear… I was weary of fighting. Had I not suffered enough at Thay’s whim? Now I would be asked to suffer them daily? Knowing that Selah didn’t bear me ill changed nothing… there were others. By Thayan law I was still a Thayan slave… I somehow felt less safe than I did when I woke this morning. I would have to avoid this enclave, but even that isn’t a complete guarantee of my safety.

"What do you want to do?"

He had asked it so simply… but it was hardly a simple thing to answer. I looked to my brother, and it seemed regardless of what we wanted, we would do, as we always had. As needs must. I have another child to think of, one I am unwilling to surrender to Thay or to Bhaal or to any other. I had a family to take care of, a duty to keep the children safe. It was hardly so much what I wanted to do, as what I needed to do. Ever the willing servant. Though my heart begged for rest… I was tired, and my emotions had run quite the gambit. There would be time for decisions after I had rested. Though I doubt I will sleep well this night.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND SEVENTEENTH ENTRY]
The Essence of Goodbyes

If you asked me years ago when I was but a shadow of a girl in an Athkatlan noble’s house:
Do you ever think you will understand freedom?
My answer would have only been:
I hope so…

If you asked me much later when that shadow of a girl was now a child of fear, cowering from a wizard’s hand:
Do you ever think you will escape fear?
I would have looked to you and said:
In dreams and prayers yes…

If you asked me sometime later as I now walked in the shadow of the Drow:
Do you ever think you will understand a life without pain?
My answer would have been:
Perhaps someday…

If you asked me much later as my eyes beheld the daylight again:
Did you ever think this day would come?
I would have simply replied:
I was afraid to do more than hope…

Two years later when this same tattered soul set out from Trademeet… the first home ever remembered:
What will you do now that these hopes have come to pass?
My answer to you would have been:
I will remember the darkness, treasure the light…

Upon my arrival to Baldur’s Gate… I had little idea what to do or how, but that same light that I had found came with light and faith… A longing to spare others from the pain I had endured, and a want to help those I could. If you had asked me then, when the streets were unfamiliar to me:
Do you really think you can help them?
My answer, laced with hope and resolve would have only been:
I mean to try…

Looking on the days that followed… the darkness and trials we endured, had you asked me if I thought we would make it through them… I would have answered full of hope, though uncertain that I would help as much as I was able.

Those early days were the hardest. Young, naïve, easily betrayed, easily mislead. I would get disheartened when we could not save all of them. When treachery and death held fast and dragged good hearts down, or shed light on the darkness that was always present… Faith would be the persistent thread that I clung to. Tears of a child who thought there was only goodness in the new life she had found, and utter sadness at the realization that wherever there was light, there would be shadow. I relied heavily on the goodwill of others, and put little credit in my own ability.

Had you asked me then, if I ever thought we would stop fighting, my answer would have been less uncertain, but no less full of hope:
No, we will not, but we will endure.

We did, if only by faith some days… Youth gave way to age, not from years, for the passage of those few years was seeming brief… Those few years hardened a heart against such treacheries, though not all. Jaded, and still unwilling to think the worst of them from the very start. I was foolish then, deliberately blinding myself to shadows in the hopes that I could drag them from darkness to light. This lead to betrayal of a different sort… and with each I felt a measure of defeat, and understanding that I could not save all of them… a stubborn determination to help as many as I could. Had you asked me then if I thought my path would ever carry me from the Coast, I would have answered with a resounding no.

War is a terrible thing. The ugly face of the ever present conflict. By the time war had come to us, I was more certain of my path, unsure how such a meek healer could walk such… But faith bid me forward, and my heart willed that I do my best. The Coast, Baldur’s Gate… had become home… I learned much in those days. More than all the years before could teach. If it had not been for those years… I am unsure that I could have endured it… at least not alone.

I had faith, which was a great boon… but even then, my faith would not have been enough. My two hands and my faith did much. It was the hands of others though, the help and hope of each of them… They were a treasure, allies, friends… family… precious gifts. If you had asked if I could have accomplished any that I did without them… the answer would have been no. Utterly and truly, I endured because faith pushed me forward… I flourished simply because I wished to return some small measure of that which they offered me. I could have endured, could have done just what I needed to… but I -lived- because I loved…

This leads to the most painful lesson of all… It was a lesson that I was ever reminded of: How to say goodbye. Goodbye because our paths parted… goodbye because of betrayal or anger, that one was the hardest… goodbye because death claimed them, and their gods could not or would not let them go… goodbyes in essence, are difficult, be they for good reasons or not. It was hard to learn, hard to accept. Most especially, I had to learn to say goodbye because of the actions of others… the deeds or misdeeds that set paths onto unavoidable ends, and it was especially hard when it was because of my own actions.

The essence of goodbye, I would also learn… is that most times, at least more often than not… Goodbye did not mean that our paths would never cross again. Some paths I’ve yet to cross again… be it this life, or at the feet of the gods, some paths I am sure I will cross again… Others… others I simply hope to cross again, I pray for that one last chance to save them again… The very essence of goodbye, I learned, is the closing of chapters, the turning of pages, in both time and heart…

After a time, I would grow accustomed to being the anchor while others sought different paths. I was content in my stationary place. I watched them go, watched some return… Saying one goodbye after another. Each unique, each with their own measure of bitter and sweet. Each with their own reasons, some easier to accept than others. Each given my fullest, most sincere hope that I would see them again in lighter days, under kinder eyes and hope-filled hearts. Each sent with my prayers, faith and hope… each with love, in some measure or another. Some dearer than others, but each one committed to memory in these pages, each precious. If not for the friendship they represented, then the lesson they taught… And in those days, I remained unmoving in my own path, but not unmoved in heart and soul… Had you asked if I saw myself anywhere but here, in the orphanage for the rest of my days, caring for the Gate’s lonely children… My answer would have been no again.

So it came as a surprise to me, and to many… that there was one more lesson goodbye could teach me: How to be the one to walk away… Strange how so much can change, with one event… one conversation… one death… one life… one heart… strange and wonderful, and sometimes… what we need when we may not realize it. I used to fear change. Used to fear it so much… and now I accept it as surely as I accept that it is not my place to walk any path but my own.

The events that lead to my own path shifting from the Coast are both beautiful and painful. A love, a family, and a feeling that I have done what I am able for the people here, that together we have created something more beautiful than we started with. A hurt, that something so precious was lost, something so painful goes forgotten by so many… I can only hope as Thay reaches to the heart of the Gate… that Mercy continues to watch over the region as it has through so much… When they weep, may they not weep alone… when they laugh, may the laughter of children be with them… This is my prayer. This is my goodbye.

At first, I was uncertain. I was angry, hurt. A part of me felt betrayed. A bitter slap as so many things in the past were brushed aside. My temper tends to get the better of me, my heart… I’ve always been lead by more passion than reason. It made things difficult to grasp at first. Things such as Selah’s… truth. The fact that she stood by a culture and a people that were, in essence the very root of my pains… Allies of Bhaal, if not in whole, at least in part. That the Dukes would embrace such for the sake of politics and coin… that too hurt. It seemed as though those who promised never to forget Billy’s suffering, had in some small measure… done just that.

There was also fear. Fear that this enemy who on their own terms still had lawful claim to the remainder of my days… This fear was only augmented and amplified by the unborn child I carried… How could I protect the baby so close to ones I could easily call enemies? Ones I couldn’t trust. Call me jaded now, and perhaps you are right… It is foolish to trust those who bear you ill with a whole heart and blind eye… It is caution to regard carefully those who would sooner do so than not…

I was upset, I loved it here, loved the people, cared for this place. Somehow that simple healer had become something more… I wouldn’t go so far as to say I had become something greater. Part of me still felt that I was given far more credit than I had deserved… an argument that could not be easily resolved… and now, now I would be asked to suffer Thay as neighbors? There are some things that even I cannot overlook, some hurts and betrayals that are difficult for me to forgive… Some prejudices that even I can’t get past… Thay… If my anger and distrust is a failing in the eyes of Ilmater, then I will ask forgiveness and seek to redeem myself, but even I am human… though sometimes it is convenient to forget.

The most difficult goodbyes were within the temple and the orphanage. We made arrangements for many of the children, and for those who would be staying. Sister Juna would run the day to day things at the orphanage. Brother Marcus would continue to lead the faithful at the shrine in the city… So many who would continue to watch over the children after I left… Thedran, the dear man. I prayed that strength would be his, and the gods watch him kindly as he watched over the children. Those of the Radiant Heart, stalwart friends who stood not only by me, but with me… My prayers are with them each that the Triad holds them in the face of the trials they will face.

One would think, for all the practice I have gotten… that goodbye would be easy, but it never is, even when it is for the best. Secretly, through all the preparations for the trip to Tethyr, I waited for some Thayan officiate to pardon me from the claim the brand on my arm held… Or for the Dukes to proclaim that there had been some terrible misunderstanding and mistake… that those under the banner of Thay, who had attacked the Gate some years back, were not going to be allowed a chance to do so again… I continued to wait as we continued to pack…

Tessian was cheerful through the whole thing… a boon in such a time. It is rare for Jonas and I to both be upset at the same time… indeed it only happened during the siege, and even then it seemed we took turns. This time, there were no turns. I was not told what exactly what was said in the exchange between my dear brother and the beloved Dukes… just that it likely cost him his title and home… if not more. There wasn’t time to speculate, and thank Mercy the Dukes seemed forgiving of the outburst… nothing else was said before we boarded the ship this morning.

Thedran and a few others saw us off at the docks. Another bittersweet moment that I won’t forget. I knew if anyone could see to it that the home I was leaving behind was kept safe, it was Thedran. I hope to return to it someday… Though I cannot say with certainty it will be more than to visit. The Sisters promised me to at least visit after the baby was born. I know Thedran and the others will ensure it is safe to do so, should we decide to… but it is too soon to say whether or not we will be able to.

I stood for so long and watched the wind carry us farther from this place that had become home after nearly three years. My eyes drifted over the city horizon. Part of me wept for what I was leaving behind… part of me looked forward to what may come with both excitement. Change isn’t always a bad thing… or in the least not all bad. I truly prayed that my fears about the Thayan Enclave were for nothing. I watched until even the tip of the tower that once was called the Istari… and would now be Thayan soil… faded from sight.

We will make our way, my family, the Rokranons and the Silenes, the children who are going with us… Catam who has come with us as a protector before returning to his own family… and we will make our way southward. Once everyone is situated, I plan to visit Brother Dracius and Iliara. There is no way to escape conflict no matter where our path takes us, but it is important that our path carries us where we may do the most good through the least harm.

Beyond that, where this path leads me, and my dear ones… What next that Duty will ask, what next faith will bid, where my heart has yet to lead… these are a mystery to me… But I embrace this path as I have not embraced one before… I take these steps knowing I am strong in both heart and faith. Free, loved and certain that I can endure what lay ahead, be it blessing or bane.

And so the hardest lesson I’ve learned about goodbyes… the very essence of a goodbye is to turn away from the familiar and walk into the unknown. The most difficult essence of goodbye, is to commit all to memory that should never be forgotten. To never forget those who crossed every step of my path, for they shaped that path. The point of all the words that fill these pages, not simply just to keep from forgetting… The essence of goodbye is to remember…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND EIGHTEENTH ENTRY]
Matty: A letter ... home

(written Nightal 29 1347 DR, Delivered via magic from Meri and Tessian's home in Tethyr to the Sanctuary of Ilmater, addressed to Sister Juna.)

My dearest Juna:

I hope this letter finds you well. I am writing to let you know that I will visit briefly just as soon as the Sisters of Saint Jasper say I am well enough for Travel, and as soon as my dear husband can take his eyes of of his wife and daughter long enough.

Note: The image is just for fun, a cute picture to add to it =D

Yes, daughter. Matilde Anne, named after Tessian's mother and Dianne... may they both rest comfortably in the arms of Mercy... She is beautiful Juna. There aren't any words to describe the wonder of the last two days. Her first cries brought in the dawn two days past, and aside from being pleasantly exhausted, and well tended... busy as any new mother should be... I have been in awe. She has Tessian's blue eyes, though she already has my red curls, no doubt my temper one day as Jonas is so keen to remind me of. So small and fragile, and yet calm and full of light.

She is a content child, fussing only in impatience when I am not fast enough with meals. She sleeps peacefully, those all to brief moments that an infant will sleep of course. It has been amazing how well Tessian has adjusted to having an infant about. Fatherhood has been no small stretch for him with the children about. Though it is a bit different with one so small and young.

Needless to say things are quite busy about here. Do send all my best to the Sisters. I will visit soon.

How are things along the Coast? I still hear little of the brewing war between the Lord's Alliance and Amn. I trust things run smoothly at the temple and the orphanage? How are the children? The Sisters? Brother Marcus? Could you also tell those of the Radiant Heart that we are well, and pass along the good news to any who care to listen? Times like these, steeped in war... each small light is a blessing. This one most precious of all perhaps, though I am a bit biased in my opinion...

Be well. May Mercy keep you all while I am away.

Meri

// Matilde Anne Silene born Nightal 27 1347DR =D
While the exact wording of the letter isn't made public, the news of the infant is, as well as an impending visit in the future. Though close friends of Meri would likely get to see the letter and get more detail. Send a PM with questions =) //

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND NINTEENTH ENTRY]
The Tethyrian Interludes: Part ONE Leaving Home

(The worn book, more weathered than ever, has sat for some time gathering dust. Always one reason or another over the last few years not to write. Yet she stands near her worn desk, book in hand, considering just that. The inkwell and quill are rather deliberately placed, no doubt by Tessian before he left to see to his own tasks. The woman smiles faintly. It was a good day. Brisk, but that hardly slowed the children that moved about. It was a good day because it was a calm one. No warning bells or menacing bellows from this warhorn or that. Just one of the many blessings she thanked the Crying God for… One of many… With a sigh, she settles in her chair, dips the quill in the ink, blots and sets it to the blank page she opens before her.)

So much to write… I scarce know where to start. I suppose I should start at the beginning as needs must. Or perhaps… not quite the beginning. My thoughts of the past would still be buried on a shelf if not for a letter from the Gate. Tessian is right though, it will do me well to sort my thoughts as I used to so dutifully. Some duties in the past few years have been more important than others. These days are hardly as taxing as those early months were, so I suppose there is little excuse not to. Aside from that, I've a desire to count my blessings. It keeps me from fretting. Not that I haven’t cause to… but it is still a bad habit I am trying to break. Mercy guide me… It’s one I will likely take to my grave no matter my intent. And now I worry about worrying… again. So enough of that for now… we’ll come back to it… First the beginning.

There was the trip by sail from Baldur’s Gate to Murann. I’m not sure that there are few things more miserable than being at sea, pregnant in the summer. I’m quite sure that if anyone had asked me to name my worst torment during the first tenday of our trip… I would have named the loss of a child first… and being on that blasted ship second. It was fourteen long days on that ship. I was quite glad to have survived it. My supplies of mint tea and ginger were all but gone then, but I endured it.

I almost marched back to the Gate, treachery and all at least a few times in those early months. Heat bothers me more than cold, and that summer, so close to the droughts and the sweltering southern regions… even along the Tradeway… well… It was miserable travel. Tessian said that being with child made me unusually cranky.

Yes beautiful as it was… my continuously rounding belly… took much blame. I've no doubt that my mood wore on the others, something I still feel bad for from time to time… It was sheer misery. Most days it was the family that kept me motivated, that and duty. We had set out to help in ways we felt we couldn't in the Gate anymore. There was no shortage of common folk in need.

Not too much more to tell of those early months. It was slow by wagon and horse. We traveled, fighting when we had to, helped when we could. Our group was small, but it was large enough to offer more security than we would have had otherwise. Not to say it stopped all attacks, but it helped. Which was good, since I was still a mother to be. If I were honest, it was by the Mercy of Ilmater that we managed it at all. We traveled with children, risky as it was… It was still better than risking more treachery in the beloved city we left behind. … I am certain that even my heart couldn't have borne much more betrayal… We were backed into an awful corner and fled. Right into an awful mess.

There was no shortage of danger. All the land was wrapped in a chaos that will later be laid at the feet of more dire troubles. We didn't see it for what it was then. It was almost madness that we sought to travel through it in any case. It is no wonder that the Sisters of Saint Jasper advise against travel while with-child. Bandits, monsters, bands of monster bandits… Our family was a small caravan in and of itself… but we did not travel alone. Our travels earned us a few friends, some of which joined us as we worked our way south. Part of me wishes that we would have had more warning of what was to come…

War is an ugly beast… It was one thing to fight a war against a god… I think I found being in the midst of this conflict more troubling. It was men that drove the conflict… and not all fought for just reasons. There were plenty of bandits and brigands. Cruel, greedy men, more monster than the actual monstrosities we battled from time to time. Conflict can bring out the best in people, as we saw in the Siege so long ago… It also brings out the very worst.

Looking back on those early days, I could see how much it changed us. A strange thing to say that one can get used to war, but I suppose we have… Command troubles my dear brother less. He has grown more confident in these last few years. His confidence has bolstered Tessian’s. Between Jonas and Thedran… Tessian’s views on fighting have changed the most I think. They've taught him just as much as our life in Tethyr has. I’m grateful for it… I worry less when Thedran traveled with us, less burden on Jonas… I always enjoy the visits to be sure. They were one of the few bright spots that found us in the months after…

Still I am getting ahead of myself. So on with it… the most troubling part of the last few years… The Black Days… and the war that would follow.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND NINTEENTH ENTRY]
The Tethyrian Interludes: Part TWO The Darkness and the Light

(The woman stands and stretches, brushing aside tendrils of red, and the few bits of gray hair that escaped its careful placement atop her head. Her brow creases as she considers the open page on her desk. The ink already drying on the facing page as she walks to the nearby window. She looks down over the comparably peaceful landscape that surrounds the place she now calls home. She knows trouble still looms, as it always will… So long as there is light in the world, it will invariably cast shadows. Some as dark and cloying as the memories shifting about behind her green eyes. Briefly she eyes the shadows of the room cast by a few well placed candles and sunlight. Her brow creases a moment longer. She murmurs a prayer, something she’s never out of habit doing. Before long the crease in her brow smooths some. She moves back to her desk. An outsider might wonder if she noticed the slight brightening that followed the prayer… but she gave no outward indication that she had. Again she writes thoughtfully…)

Tethyr had been a troubled land long before we walked its roads. Much as with anything… you can only add fuel to the fire for so long before things burn out of control. Tethyr was dry, brittle, ripe kindling for the trouble that would … and still does… consume the land. I couldn’t say exactly when the passing common folk, starved and miserable began to talk of more than the tyrant king and the troubles he wrought. It was rumors at first, some tales too fantastical to give much merit to. It didn’t take long for the tales to be far too frequent to ignore… or far too consistent. I know all too well that men are capable of horrible things… It still never ceases to surprise me

Further travel south, for all our progress… was deemed unwise. After all, I was not in fighting shape. My shape was still blessedly round, not to mention one of the main reasons we decided to turn ourselves the other way. As it was, we would be little use southward. We were all tired. As I said, my own countenance had settled on the others, for all my trying not to burden them. My infant nephew was a welcome distraction… as were the other children. Between the small hugs and smiles, there was the underlying love of those I traveled with… No matter how tired we were, how bad things seemed, never would we take the blessing of family for granted. My appetite was understandably smaller in those days, but that didn’t stop Tessian from trying to cheer me with pancakes…

How can I talk about pancakes when I consider the troubles that the Black Days heralded? How could I not. I learned well during the Siege that it was wisest to count blessings when you found them… not when it was convenient. There may never be a convenient time. It is as much a duty to celebrate such joys as it is to ease suffering. We would not be granted Mercy if we were not meant to appreciate it…

So yes… even in those long dark days I enjoyed pancakes, and games with children, Tessian’s jokes… even star gazing with Jonas and Ali. It made all the waddling about tolerable. I couldn’t say that we had a set destination at first, but by the time waddling about became difficult, Brost presented itself as an ideal place.

Close enough to Amn to be spared some of the worst of the coming trouble, it was on a route that saw plenty of trade traffic. Tessian was able to replenish much of our stocks with his knack for bartering. I always found his cheery sales pitches hard to say no to. I suppose, being his wife, even his very cranky pregnant wife, made me a tad biased. We were able to keep ourselves safe for a time, and with little to truly complain about. Even there, while resting and readying for Matty’s arrival… there was plenty of work for us to do.

Bandits took to the roads in increasing numbers. Caravans fleeing the south were attacked, and often sought protection. This provided Jonas a little something to do. Dear brother… he was going stir crazy. Had he not had the opportunity to patrol with the others and try to keep the roads safe… he might have gone mad. It wasn’t as if the little town offered as much to do as the Gate or our recent travels had. It did give Tessian and Jonas plenty of time to become better friends. Yes… in the darkness we found our light, and it wasn’t long before it got much brighter.

Matty… The very joy I never thought to have… my own sweet daughter. It was joked that she outshines her mother… Though I tend to see it as very much a fact that she does. Motherhood is indescribable… A blessing unlike any other. No matter how long I try to put it to words on this page… I’ll fail miserably. Suffice it to say that she kept us all busy, when turmoil and the duty it birthed gave us time to enjoy the brighter duties.

It would be some months before we would resume our travels. We had planned to seek out those we could help that were caught in the midst of civil war as we went. Even now, after the Siege and all this conflict we’ve seen in the last few years… The amount of suffering, the amount of those innocents that get caught between the two sides… It is heartbreaking. Utterly heartbreaking. Add to that the amount of folks that thought to capitalize on the suffering of others… It wasn’t hard to see that it would be a long road. It was foolish to think we could help everyone, but I think we were all too stubborn not to try. We helped as many as we could along the roads. The Triad smiled on the work we did, else we would have found ourselves in more trouble than we could get out of.

We knew we couldn’t travel indefinitely, not with so many young children, however well cared for they remained, and no matter that the adults outnumbered them… at least for the moment. We’d heard rumors that things were calm to the east, and decided we would make our way toward that spot of calm. There we could establish a point to work from, and help how we could.

Brost had allies among the elves of the Wealdath. Given our history with the elves around the Gate… Jonas thought we could save time and trouble by moving through the great forest. It would prove unwise, but some wisdoms can only be learned the hard way, paid for in blood and time.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND NINTEENTH ENTRY]
The Tethyrian Interludes: Part THREE The Cost of Wisdom

(It is late, the saintly woman sits in a rocking chair in the corner of the dimly lit room across from the desk. Selune’s light streams through the window and lands across the desk. Her eyes aren’t on the moonlit journal though. She doesn’t even notice how the light makes the blank pages seem to glow. No, her attention is focused on the top of the head of the toddler in her lap. Soft copper curls frame Matty’s sleeping face. Meri smiles contentedly. So lost in thought as she is, she doesn’t hear Tessian approach. It isn’t until he whispers how he loves his Meri-bird and his little pancake helper that she notices him in the door way. She smiles as he lifts the sleeping child from her lap and kisses both of them on the cheek. As quietly as he can manage, he carries their daughter from the room. Meri’s eyes, now less distracted, fall on the desk. Again she becomes lost in thought. Memories of the past drown out the present. Again she doesn’t notice Tessian in the door. He watches her a long moment. Silently he lights another candle, carries it to the desk. The two smile at each other. With a contented sigh, she accepts the wordless invitation to continue what she started. She shares a kiss with her husband before he departs, and she settles back at her desk again.)

It is no secret that wisdom is hard won. Wisdom is the key to using knowledge properly. Knowledge is Power, they say… if you are a wizard… I suppose that is especially true. It comes as no surprise that the key to that power is harder to obtain. Learning to wield it for blessing or bane is what makes or breaks many souls. It is what parts well-intended actions from ill-intended ones. Wisdom is even what determines whether those good intentions actually come to good ends, because without it, that is nearly impossible. Even with it… it is hard to accomplish.

Wisdom and experience are seldom enough, even with knowledge… I find often that there are a number of things that lead to success in any measure. A divine hand… Wisdom, knowledge, and maybe even a good measure of luck… I think people forget that success in any measure is its own sort of blessing. Surviving, making it as far as we have… A success… a blessing that I am infinitely grateful for. Of course, we had to work for it. As I said… some lessons are hard learned and paid for in blood.

By now, Matty was a few months old, and on a routine enough to be able to travel. We’d gotten used to living simply, but we were all anxious to find some measure of stability. Simple, life in Brost was… stable… it was not. War is never kind, civil war even less so. Strong hate for the nobility was unavoidable, even in Brost, where it was safer… the war brought some measure of conflict to us. There was little organization then, and our small band wasn’t in position to help as we wanted. We needed someplace to put down roots so to speak.

We had heard that there were some parts of Tethyr less shrouded in the turmoil of the war that had begun months before. We considered going to the County of Hazamarch. If nothing else, we could help with the tides of attacking monsters that troubled the area from time to time. A hold in the east also had particular appeal in the County of Alonmarch. The lord of the hold on Komar’s Hill was a member of the Ilmatari, said to be a kindly historian. Lord Vartan Thrynnar opened the gates to his people when the war began.

First, we thought to go to Alonmarch. In our caution, and perhaps … arrogance… we thought to move through the Wealdath. It is unkind to my own ego to call us arrogant, but in some ways it bears truth. Our history with the elves around the Gate had us thinking that we understood the elves as a whole. That the title granted of ‘Elf-Friend’ by the councilors of Doron Amar would be enough to carry us safely through the ancient forest.

I miss Siomir, and the others… I took for granted how reasonable our friends were in comparison to their elven kin. Siomir never went to a negotiation without a bottle of whiskey and a blade. The elves of the Wealdath… do not seem fond of strong spirits… We didn’t consider that then. I am not sure that the thought ever occurred to any of us as we made preparations to leave Brost. We would travel south through the forest. A slower but safer route… that we hoped would be more free of banditry and battling factions as it was not along popular trade routes.

We had a reasonable routine by the time we reached the edge of the forest. This leg of the journey was a little easier. I certainly cursed our travel less. Amazing what a change in health does for one’s outlook. We traveled swiftly, doing our best to continue to avoid most trouble… It wasn’t a swift trip, but it was certainly kinder than previous travels. The children adjusted surprisingly well to the traveling. Then again, children are some of the most resilient among us. It never ceases to amaze me, even now.

So there we found ourselves at the edge of the forest, ready to start the next leg of our journey. A few adjustments to our packs and horses so that we could move more easily among the trees and we passed our way into the tree line. Spring was already making itself known in Tethyr, the mild winter already on its way out. Perhaps that attributed to the jovial mood of our little group… No summer heat wearing on us. We were cautious, but not overly then. We didn’t take steps to keep ourselves unknown. I was actually looking forward to meeting with more elves… again, blatantly taking for granted the elves I have known in the past.

It was late afternoon before someone noticed how quiet the forest had gotten. We were making good time through the cool shade, even with our marveling at the beauty of the landscape around us. There truly are no good accounts of the beauty of the Waeldath. Words do not do it justice. Yet… the forest had gone still. In the way that stops laughter short and puts most swordsmen on edge.

An arrow embedded itself in the tree just scant inches from Jonas’ nose. This stopped us all rather short. Slowly we became aware of just how surrounded we were. Jonas held his hands up and said that we meant no ill. That we only wished to pass through the forest. A tall and imposing elven man stepped from the trees, blade at the ready and informed us that we would not get passage. None would.

Jonas stepped down from his horse, thinking to diffuse the situation. Words were exchanged, and the situation escalated quickly. By quickly… it was almost too swift for me to understand what took place until after the fact. The elf was quick, his blade made the faintest whisper, and the briefest flash as it made a warning slice through the air. Jonas’ good hand went up in a gesture of placation, and he began to back away. It wasn’t until he was back on his horse that we realized he was holding his brow and eye with is bad hand… and bleeding.

We were allowed to depart swiftly, bows and blades pointed at our retreating backs. The elves had no want for any of the civil war’s taint to touch their forests. Even our well meaning selves. Once clear of the tree line, Ali tended to Jonas’ wound. It wasn’t as bad as it first appeared… For some reason wounds to the head bleed so profusely, more than they seem to have merit to.

Ali tended the wound, the usual argument about saving our more advanced healing for others was forgone. Though it is still forever a point of contention between Jonas and his ‘gaggle of healer-red-heads’ as he calls us when frustrated. The cut itself missed the eye… not that it would have effected the eye that much. Kelorin saw to that… It has clouded more over the years, but like most things, has healed well enough. You know… Abby always complained of positive energy scarring… These last years I’m starting to see that maybe it held merit. He never quite heals fully, and I always contributed it to the curse… but just maybe there’s more to it…

We had plenty of travel to do, as we now had to skirt the Wealdath completely. The new path would take us to County Hazamarch first. We resigned ourselves to the steady travel from the Wealdath to our destination. It was as routine as travel through a war-torn country could be. Strange how one can become used to things such as bandit attacks, goblins, and the manner of trouble we’ve seen in our long lives. I could only be thankful then, as I am now… that the troubles we faced then, were far kinder than much we faced in the past.

In fact, our stay in Hazamarch would not be overly long… Count Dughol, honorable as he may be, is not the easiest to work for or with. His flighty moods can have far reaching effect on those that work under him. As they say… such things roll downhill. We stayed through that first summer, helping with the attacks on the surrounding lands as we could. By then, our hearts looked to the south, to the county of Alonmarch again. We had a little more travel to do before we found that stability we craved.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND NINTEENTH ENTRY]
The Tethyrian Interludes: Part FOUR Settling Into War

(Some days pass before the woman is able to write again. Though attacks are less common late in the year, there are still those driven by desperation and greed that occasionally cause trouble. Most of her time is spent helping the sick or the injured. The few moments she has to herself is spent with her children or frowning in worry as she waits for her husband and brother to return from this skirmish or that one. She busies herself with the immediate duties of her faith, but has plenty of time to consider a great deal. Faith in the Crying God knows no lines of wealth, power, rank, past, or future… Those called to Mercy are asked to offer it. Late in the day she finds herself reflecting on these things, on the last year and then some that they have resided in the Hold.)

I remember our arriving. Alonmarch, for all its troubles then, still seemed like such a haven. Most of the Hold’s inhabitants were also settling into life within the walls. Those early months after the war began, there was so much to do. Three hundred people doesn’t sound like a lot until you consider feeding them, sheltering them and keeping spirits high in a time when there were so many reasons to be fearful, fretful or just plain frustrated. Even at that, all of our combined efforts can barely keep half of the county safe. There is so much trouble. I truly hate war.

I was reminded of the famine that swept through the Gate… how it took so much of our resources and the resources of our allies just to see the city and its environs through it. Fortunately the lord of the Hold was a learned sort, and there were already plans to make things run as smoothly as possible. We set to helping with what we could as we were able.

Even with the bustle and duties of the day to day, there was often time to share conversation with my fellow Ilmatari, and those of like minded faith. It never ceases to amaze me how fascinated people are by the nimbus of light above me… gift that it is, weightless and intangible… Sometimes it seems so heavy on my shoulders. Saints long dead have little cause to answer outright and directly the questions of those that make pilgrimage to their holy sites… Being a -Living- Saint… even after all this time… still has moments where it is overwhelming. Jonas, when he notices I am feeling this way, never ceases to remind me that duty is a salvation, and bearing the weight of the part of the world I do is better than bearing no weight by being dead. He’s right, of course. I’ve plenty to be thankful for.

People seek wisdom, blessings, tales of the past, recounts of Mercy in all its brilliance… To hear of the Broken Hand that rest on my shoulder more solidly than I deserved… It is a duty, an honor granted by faith, service, and those within the service of the Crying God that even I’d not argue with in all my stubbornness. Daunting as it is, I can only pray that I manage not to do some disservice to the light that falls upon me. Long are the list of prayers I am asked to bring to the ears of Ilmater, and I truly pray that Mercy smile on each of them in some way. The people of Tethyr have dire need of Mercies great and small for transgressions past, troubles of the present, and whatever yet lurks in the future.

That I still bear the light of my god’s grace says that I have yet to prove that I am as unworthy as I feel I am. My brother, my fellows, they are all quick to assure me. To call my continued uncertainty humility… Well, I argue less these days. There seems little point when there is so much suffering in the world. I hardly have the right to claim that I suffer… It is hardly so much suffering as it is… a discomforting fear that I am on a pedestal so high… the fall could be damning. Especially when it is so easy to throw caution to the wind, and choose by the whim of heart alone…

How many betrayals did I suffer for not tempering passion and trust with some measure of sense and care? Those were hard earned lessons. I think that those betrayals served a purpose though… They made each loyal friend, loved one, family by blood or oath or faith… all the more precious. As I’ve often said: One cannot appreciate the light without first walking through the dark.

It is that light and wisdom that attracted so much attention when we first arrived in Thrynnar’s Hold. I think after so many months the newness has worn off, but I still find myself passing time in conversation and then deep contemplation about the path I chose to walk, and the path I was asked to walk… and the path I will continue to walk until Death truly draws me into Mercy’s arms.

Surprisingly… to me at least… It garnered the attention of Lord Thrynnar himself. Jonas never seems surprised by the questions. Tessian’s proud but sympathetic smiles… Jonas’ wordless encouragement… All of the family really. They keep me sane when I stand before a nobleman and try not to stumble over my own internal debates. At least, in all the years I’ve learned to answer curiosity with some semblance of … what’s a good word for it… not grace, but… confidence in a way? I’ll not lie… it isn’t easy. Sometimes I feel like I am repeating myself to a parrot… over and over… only to get squawked at for modesty…

Not to say that our benevolent host was a parrot in any way. In truth, the man is quite amiable. In these long months, I’ve grown used to his insatiable search for knowledge. He’s quite the historian, and I enjoy learning from him just as much. Tea on those rare quiet afternoons is always pleasant. Days when there are few wounded to tend to, duties are less troubling, and the warhorns remain silent. An all to brief reminder of those days spent in the orphanage, in the temple in the Gate… surrounded by friends, the smell of honey cakes in the air, and steaming pots of tea strewn across the tables. I cling to those moments over mint and chamomile… Good friends, pleasant conversation and laughter. I think the only blessing greater than the laughter among friends is the laughter of a child…

Blessings that can be all to fleeting in times of strife. Tethyr, even all the way in Alonmarch County is still at war. It seems tales reach us every tenday of this warlord or that mercenary, adventurer, former noble, or even the odd merchant that tries to grab a bit of power and land for themselves. Some are benevolent, some are decidedly not. People seek safety from the fighting here, and in Hazamarch, other areas where war has left less of a mark. Still, we are not so far from trouble, even here. In the summers many men, Jonas and often Tessian included, travel to join Lord Rughol to fight the marauding monsters that tend to strike more heavily in the area.

Those are worrying months. Sometimes the only cure for the maddening shadow that leaves brows furrowed and hands wringing is more work. Fortunately there is no shortage of such things. If nothing else, the garden is a welcome escape. I’m glad that Jonas doesn’t take slight to the times I must put him from my mind completely so as not to know his every moment of anxiousness and battle fatigue. It is difficult on the family, as it is on all families, but we all help each other through it. In the end we are grateful when they return more or less in one piece.

Summer is hardly our only worry. The banditry seems to only get more organized. They are not kind enough to strike in the summer with the monstrous hordes. The winters in highland Tethyr are frigid, not bitterly so like some other lands I’ve been to in the winter… Not that I find the cold bothersome overly much. Still, it is a strain on people. Add to that the fear mongering of war and the greed of bandits… and you have the recipe for something far less pleasant than venison stew and fresh breads.

There were reports of some priest of Beshaba, Lady Doom, trying to organize some of the disparate groups of brigands in the lands around Hazamarch, and while we never stayed long in the northern county… Jonas’ sense of duty, as well as the duty of many others bid that they aid the like minded neighbors. I’m not one to disagree with such things. Who better than those who are able to defend those who cannot? So many of them marched north to face the threat head on.

Poor Jonas. “Sir Rush ‘Em Rokranon” as some of the Flaming Fist used to call him, and coined by Aravain. Mercy of Mercies, but I even miss that insufferable bard. He was a… good man… even if indecent. Frequently… But to the point. Jonas I think is far too harsh on himself, even now. He’s long since learned to take blows in battle with more … acceptance than he used to in the Siege… but no man likes to see his fellows fall on the field of battle… no leader likes to lose even a single soldier, to see them injured …and certainly no man likes to take such a beating.

They met near the Gorge. To be fair, Jonas did not rush the enemy but instead attempted to force the enemy into something foolish. Or as best as I understand it… into tactics more agreeable to the defenders. I hear him tell of the beating his pike and spear infantry was taking, and would love to say I didn’t understand him… I remember far too well what it looks like when those in your command begin to fall for your sake. You want to help them. Mercy bless my poor brother, how he tried that day. He succeeded, yes, but at the cost of nearly all of his small heavy cavalry unit.

He was wounded that day. Yet another scar, another wound that never quite healed right. Ali says it gives him a rather rakish appearance, but I cannot help but wonder how many more wounds he can bear before I am forced to put my foot down. He turns away from more stout healing magics, saying there is little point in expending so much energy for such mendings. Not that either of us mind… It will forever be a point of deep contention. Though I suppose every family has to have something to argue about from time to time? As stubborn as I am, as Ali is… for now, not even the two of us are a match for his own obstinacy in the matter.

Still, despite all of that… the rumors of disease encroaching from elsewhere in Tethyr, the constant attacks and skirmishes with bandits and the like… Well, after nearly a year and a half… maybe it has been a year and a half… Matty is not yet three. Goodness, time flies when you step back and look at it from a distance! As I was saying, we’d found a routine in this life, and are as content as we are able to be.

Until recently, Baldur’s Gate was a memory that I hardly had time to consider. Now worry draws me back to thoughts of the letter we got recently. Now though… Now there is a great deal on my mind…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[TWO HUNDRED AND NINTEENTH ENTRY]
The Tethyrian Interludes: Part FIVE A Letter

(She is alone with her thoughts, unable to sleep while the rest of her home is cloaked in dreams. The night is peaceful, and it isn’t the foreshadowing of war that has her pacing the small room. No candles light the room, just the ambient glow of the woman in the room. She paces a few more moments before sitting at her desk. She opens a drawer and pulls out a couple letters. A moment after squinting in the dim light, she lights a pair of candles. She reads the letters again, first one, then the other, then back to the first. Her brow creases, and she is lost in thought for a few moments longer. Finally she sets the letters aside and gets her worn journal out. Another moment of looking about, and she has a quill…)

How troubling the tone of this letter. Well, what little tone is there. It is disturbingly ambiguous which only adds to its tone. Despite that, there was more than enough to send my mind whirling. Pangs of homesick nostalgia mixed with the worry that I had left something terribly unfinished when we left the Coast all those years ago. What had I overlooked? What thing was left undone that now haunted the Ilmatari temple in the Gate? That once-loved home that I thought nothing could tear me from?

I was quite wrong. Between the Thayans, and the long years there threaded with strife… The time had come to part from that place I saw the whole of my remaining days in. Thayan vipers in the heart of the city, with the ears of the Dukes… All for coins. By then, the long standing suspicion that Thay’s servants had a hand in the loss of dear Billy… and the still fresh sting of Selah’s admission… It was too much even for me to bear.

It wasn’t just me. Our whole family was ill at ease so close to such an insidious enemy. Thay was an entity that offered great threat to us. For more than one reason… So we departed… in great haste. It wouldn’t be until after we had left that I would grieve the bright moments and places of joy that I would leave behind. The people I would dearly miss and pray for… That haste left me with doubts then, even knowing that our haste could not be helped. Those doubts resurfaced as I read the letter… so too did the distinct loss of things and people I was saddened to leave behind.

I know now that I shouldn’t have replied to the letter so quickly. My response was penned well before I considered the wise counsel of those I loved. My only thought that a mistake I had made, something I had overlooked had caused trouble for brothers and sisters that shared my faith. Still the letter was signed and only needed to be sealed before I even sought Jonas.

I realized my mistake, and had a brilliant argument to justify my actions all ready. My dear brother, however… was already a half step ahead. I should have noted the amusement that became the undercurrent of my initial awkward approach to the subject. Post dinner, as usual, he seemed wrapped up in his maps and battle lines. It seems like a bunch of strategic nonsense to me, but he certainly enjoys it more than the dreaded paperwork that used to dominate his desk.

"Jonas? I should bring something to your attention. I received a letter from the temple in Baldur's Gate today..."

"Oh? Begging you to come back, I suppose?"

"Well... not exactly," I began. "Though it sounds rather important. Some trouble left over from around the time after the siege I think... The priest who wrote sounded guarded in the least, but it sounded urgent." My tone tried to convey the importance I felt the letter carried. He barely looked up from the paperwork. He seemed unsurprised, though these days, little surprised either of us anymore. How jaded we have become!

"Yes? I know you have more to say, make your case. Who is this priest? Surely not Brother Marcus..."

The glare he cast the letter when I offered it for his inspection gave me a half a second of pause before I introduced my initial impression of this Brother Ameris Santraeger. "It would seem he's found something troubling in the records kept by the temple, from the sounds of it some sort of trouble that may presently be effecting the priesthood there in the city. I'm unsure what exactly he means, but the only way to find out would be to speak with him in person."

I couldn’t help but launch into my worries. I hate unfinished tasks, and the thought that I left one, or overlooked something important clawed at me like few things had of late. I presented all the compromises I could think of to make the trip more appealing to my far more strategically minded brother.

He stopped me short with a bitter reminder of the troubles that we did leave behind us. "Meri, you realize this could be a ruse? Something to lure you into an ambush?" He paused briefly to let his words settle in. "Some of the rumors we've heard coming out of that region are as troubling as anything we faced."

A trap… How many dark shadows still lurked in the corners of the Coast that wished me ill? Part of me wanted to insist that they would not wait for me so long to return… and yet… the wiser part of me knew some would. The thought was chilling, then as it is now. I don’t regret my actions, but I would truly be foolish to disregard the ire that they might have drawn. Some are content to pick at wounds, letting them fester rather than heal. Some simply cannot accept the inevitable light that chases away shadow… To some, we were the very embodiment of everything they felt a slight.

I rushed to reassure him that I had considered such, which is why I proposed to Brother Ameris that we should meet someplace safe… middle ground. So quick was I to win the debate, that I let slip I had already replied. Too late to retreat, I continued. I know from his underlying amusement that he did not miss it. Still he didn’t call me outright then. What brother does not hold amusement at his siblings, especially sisters, be they by oath or blood?

"Aren't you at least going to read it before you say no," I asked him. I was embarrassed to note the level of indignance in my voice.

“Of course I will," he said calmly, reaching for the letter. Of course, I should have guessed -something- was afoot when he cautioned against a larger group traveling to meet with the priest. He was, after all, using the wording penned in my reply. Still I hurried on.

"But I truly think we should meet with him. If only to sate my conscience and my curiosity, but most importantly, to make sure nothing is amiss there. The Coast has -need- a strong Ilmatari presence there. Doubts and such would only undermine that." I’d be lying to say that those were my only reasons. I did miss it. That place, despite all its short comings… I’d left much -- and many behind to miss.

Amusement flared up again. "You will, no doubt, seek some sort of proofs as to authenticity when you reply to this? As you said, we need to plan this properly." I couldn’t figure out what was so funny. I think that was driving more to irritation than the chance that he might refuse the idea of meeting with the priest.

"When I reply? I already--" I frowned a tad more. Blast, but he makes it difficult to be even the mildest bit sneaky. Then I sighed. If he hadn’t figured out I already answered, he knew then. I was never good at lying, least of all to those I feel bad about actually trying to mislead. "I asked him to bring evidence of what he speaks of, yes."

"Santraeger, hrmm..." he murmured, he looked away from the letter, eyes sliding out of focus.

"Have you heard of him?"

"The name...perhaps...I'll need to look into it. You asked him to bring evidence of what he speaks...did you ask him to verify who he is before we walk into a trap? Well, what did Tessian think of this at least? He seemed rather… calm...at dinner."

I’m not sure I could have looked more guilty. I spoke almost hesitantly. I really should not have hurried so… "I... haven't talked with him... yet." I sighed. "I will, I just haven't yet. He always gets so worried... I thought to let his dinner settle first..." I nodded, almost in defeat, "And yes, I'll seek some sort of means to verify it isn't a trap, but I'm not sure what sort of thing to ask for. That's why I am speaking to you. There's plenty of time to seek more information before we meet with him."

He began to pace, his emotions coming across as a muddled myriad. Adding my own confused thoughts to the mix couldn’t possibly have helped. Here we were, in the middle of a war, and I was ready to run head first back into who knew what… Why?

When Jonas finally spoke, it was as though he had a clearer grasp of my thoughts than I did at the time. He glanced at me and sighed. "Meri, I'm concerned at how easily you want to drop everything and run up there. I know the Ilmatari, all of the Triad, needs a strong presence there. I remember it all too well. We both gained and lost much on the Sword Coast.” I cringed.

He continued, seemingly seeking the answers that I was already asking myself. “But is it still up to you to fix things there? You can't be everywhere. You can't do everything. Don't you remember telling me these things, so long ago, standing behind a wall with siege engines bombarding an unholy blight?" By now he had stopped his pacing, his eyes fixed on mine.

I -had- said that. Like so many moments of those long months, that long battle… It was burned into my soul. Even a Saint, alive or dead… could not be omnipresent. To be so would put us too closely on the level of gods. For all our sacrifice… for all my sacrifice… We were still mortal. -I- was still mortal. Still a floundering and imperfect thing, capable of mistakes and of gravely misjudging people and events. I was ashamed to reach beyond my own means, but in this, I could only beg forgiveness. What if it was something set in motion by my own hand? Is it then not my obligation to right it?

I looked at him helplessly, I couldn’t explain the want to go, the urgency… almost a need, albeit a selfish one. "I know, it's impulsive. I -- We... won't stay on the Coast. My duty is here, but at the same time, I'd feel better knowing I didn't overlook something important. We can meet with the man, he can speak his piece, and I can offer him advice... Some time away from the battles here might be beneficial..."

I finally met and held his gaze, “But if I can help this man in some way? If what he speaks of is my fault, my doing or some such? Wouldn't it be wisest to see what troubles him? I could spend some time in prayer, seek guidance if that would ease your mind?"

Both brows lifted in apparent surprise. "But surely you sought the guidance of The Broken God before telling this man you would see to all the arrangements here?"


"I... well... I've not been told no... That is to say, I was... very impulsive..." I stammered along. I really -was- being too hasty in this. Ilmater, The Triad, and my dear family forgive me... "There is time to set my haste to rights... Nothing is set in stone yet."

He rubbed his forehead in the way he does when he’s frustrated. "I think you'll find a way to go, regardless of what I think."

"Then come with me; your presence will make us both feel better. Not that I didn't think you'd let me a day from home without you, dear brother. My intuition tells me this needs seeing to. Please, if only for peace of mind?"

He began to outline the boundaries of his agreement to this. I hadn’t won a true victory. I knew he only relented because of my stubbornness. "I'll heed any arrangements you see fit to make. And no more haste," I promised. I meant it. I was far too long lived to be acting so. Though I suppose it always has been a fault of mine to one degree or another.

"I'm worried. The implications that he hints at..." I gestured to the letter. "It can't be as bad as anything else we've faced thus far, in the least," I said with hope that I prayed wasn’t misplaced.

"I understand," he said with a quiet smile. "You feel you may have made a mistake; believe me, I know the need to rectify those. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried that it will be something we can't really help with. My concern is that you will fret over something beyond our control." He pauses, then opens his mouth to speak again. "If it is something you can help with, or I, for that matter, I'm confident we'll do what's right. But if there is no right way of helping, I simply don't want you dwelling on it in the months to come. We've been gone a few years now, but that place is still home, I know."


"Indeed. I promise if it is beyond me though, that I will leave it in the hands of Ilmater. Advice perhaps at least, may help him, if nothing else."

"Alright," he replied. "Let's see what he comes back with, and table it for now. You need to talk to Tessian; I need to talk to Alistaria."

I nodded, and smiled faintly. I gave him a hug. I know I worry him so much some times. I said as much as I arched a brow at him. "Sorry to cause you such worry, dear brother. Though it almost serves you right for being amused at my expense." My smile widened. Yes… in this, brother and sister were quite even.

"Good night, dear sister," the paladin says as he returns the hug. He left unsaid that which they both already knew about the conversation.

I returned to my desk to find the letter already prepared to send. So that was what he found so funny. He takes his oath to my protection very seriously. In contrast to my behavior, that is a blessing… seeing as I am sometimes too swift to forget the need for it.

Soon enough at least… I hoped to be able to put my worries about the letter behind me.
~~