Dire Woodpecker
Posted: Fri Mar 15, 2013 12:42 pm
Sitting in the lounge of the Keep at the OSR, Bagnose has another ale. Rand has been keeping an eye on him, but he seems more sad then fiesty. There are eleven empty tankards on the table in front of him, and twelve is being nursed as Bagnose grumbles... On his way to the chapel, sir John notices Bagnose sitting by himself, and so he walks over to see if everything is all right.
"Baggy, you ok?"
"Bah leave me be ye long-legged creiton!" he bellows through slurred speach. "Im not be needin yer pity!" John, now used to the Dwarves who live (sometimes) in the Keep, pulls up a chair and sits beside him. "Bah! Yer nae sittin here without a drink in front of ye!" Bag waves his half full tankard in front of John. John motions to Rand for a mug of "the usual" - Angus' Steeped Tea. Rand, recognizing that John is placing himself in an awkward position puts the tea in a tankard and places it on the table with a thud in front of the knight. John nods his thanks.
"What is troubling you my friend?" he asks in a firm, yet understanding tone that says he is not going to be scared off that easily.
"Bah! Tis nothin! Just had me arse handed to me that's all!" John notices that there are several gouges in Bagnoses armour - looking like he had been stabbed several dozen times by a blunt-ended stick.
"What attacked you?" John braces himself for the reply. Having had Dwarven visitors for some time now he knows that the answer might be strange, grotesque, vulgar, or all three...
Bagnose looks John straight in the eye and stands up to put his face as close to Johns as he can. "Ye can't laugh!" he says. Laugh an I'll bash ye good!" His eyes crossed slightly, and definitely unfocussed, Bagnose slumps back into his chair, belches loudly, farts even louder, and a big tear rolls down his cheek. "Blasted woodpecker...."
Too confused to laugh, John tilts his head to one side, "A woodpecker did this to you?"
Slamming the table with a fist, Bagnose roars back, "I telled ye NO LAUGHING! It was nae a normal woodpecker! First there were these little fellers, big for woodpeckers but nothing that you couldn't put in a stew pot. I was bashin dem happily as I had just bashed about four nexts o wyvrens an I was feelin frisky. When all of a sudden da mudder o all woodpeckers comes screamin down the hill at me. At first I though it was gonna be fun, bring on da big pecker, but den tings went really really bad." he stops and drains the last of his ale and balances the mug on his head, with no hands. Apparently this is some kind of non-verbal signal between Bagnose and Rand because Rand immediately pours another ale and walks it calmly over to him, and takes the empty tankard off of his head. John watches silently with raised eyebrows, and Bagnose continues. "So 'e, er she started to peck through me armour. Through it! an I thought, whoa dis is bad, so I runned up da hill into bergost to get meself a potion or two, an when I returned thot maybe I fight wit two axes, ferget da shield an jus bash dat woodpecker until dere is nuttin but feathers left." He takes a long drink on ale number thirteen but can't finish the tankard in one go so he puts it down and has a slightly disappointed look on his face. Belching, he continues. "Arroop! So I bash it good, I mean I give it all I got. Im hitting it right, Im hittin it left, I come up underneath it..." at this point he gets up and demonstrates the move to John with an air-axe. Swooshing and leaping Bagnose crashes first into the table then onto the floor. Getting up a little dazed he continues with a quaver in his voice, "Ya, like dat! JUS like dat... and it didnt matter. The mudder an about forty o da little ones are all peckin da crap outta me an I says, enuff o dis so I hoof it back to Bergost. I telled da guards but dey jus laughed and I layed down a minute or to ta catch me breath. I wanted to come back and get Rev, or Terra, or Matty an go an bash the thing, but I be too embarassed." Real tears now roll down his cheeks and he shakes them off. "Bah, stoopid woodpeckers!" He grabs the tankard and in one coup-de-grace stands up and tries to drink it all. Most of it gets in his eyes, beard, and down the front of his armour rather than in his mouth, but he doesn't seem to care as he loses his balance and not so gracefully starts to fall backwards. His arms pinwheel madly for a second and a resigned look comes over his face andhe gives up and lets gravity take over. John could have sworn his buddy Baggy was snoring BEFORE he hit the floor, but he would never say anything.
Motioning to Rand to help, the two men drag the Dwarf to his room to let him sleep it off. John goes to take off the Dwarves armour, and Rand's eyes fly wide open and he shakes his head vigorously, "Nae sir, don't do that. The last time someone tried to part a Dwarf from his armour I had to send for a healer to restore an arm... Better leave him be." John lets go and the Dwarf slumps heavily on the wooden floor, snoring loudly. Rand exits quietly and motions for sir John to follow which he does, post haste.
Closing the door, John shakes his head, "Dwarves..." and he and Rand share a knowing look.
"Baggy, you ok?"
"Bah leave me be ye long-legged creiton!" he bellows through slurred speach. "Im not be needin yer pity!" John, now used to the Dwarves who live (sometimes) in the Keep, pulls up a chair and sits beside him. "Bah! Yer nae sittin here without a drink in front of ye!" Bag waves his half full tankard in front of John. John motions to Rand for a mug of "the usual" - Angus' Steeped Tea. Rand, recognizing that John is placing himself in an awkward position puts the tea in a tankard and places it on the table with a thud in front of the knight. John nods his thanks.
"What is troubling you my friend?" he asks in a firm, yet understanding tone that says he is not going to be scared off that easily.
"Bah! Tis nothin! Just had me arse handed to me that's all!" John notices that there are several gouges in Bagnoses armour - looking like he had been stabbed several dozen times by a blunt-ended stick.
"What attacked you?" John braces himself for the reply. Having had Dwarven visitors for some time now he knows that the answer might be strange, grotesque, vulgar, or all three...
Bagnose looks John straight in the eye and stands up to put his face as close to Johns as he can. "Ye can't laugh!" he says. Laugh an I'll bash ye good!" His eyes crossed slightly, and definitely unfocussed, Bagnose slumps back into his chair, belches loudly, farts even louder, and a big tear rolls down his cheek. "Blasted woodpecker...."
Too confused to laugh, John tilts his head to one side, "A woodpecker did this to you?"
Slamming the table with a fist, Bagnose roars back, "I telled ye NO LAUGHING! It was nae a normal woodpecker! First there were these little fellers, big for woodpeckers but nothing that you couldn't put in a stew pot. I was bashin dem happily as I had just bashed about four nexts o wyvrens an I was feelin frisky. When all of a sudden da mudder o all woodpeckers comes screamin down the hill at me. At first I though it was gonna be fun, bring on da big pecker, but den tings went really really bad." he stops and drains the last of his ale and balances the mug on his head, with no hands. Apparently this is some kind of non-verbal signal between Bagnose and Rand because Rand immediately pours another ale and walks it calmly over to him, and takes the empty tankard off of his head. John watches silently with raised eyebrows, and Bagnose continues. "So 'e, er she started to peck through me armour. Through it! an I thought, whoa dis is bad, so I runned up da hill into bergost to get meself a potion or two, an when I returned thot maybe I fight wit two axes, ferget da shield an jus bash dat woodpecker until dere is nuttin but feathers left." He takes a long drink on ale number thirteen but can't finish the tankard in one go so he puts it down and has a slightly disappointed look on his face. Belching, he continues. "Arroop! So I bash it good, I mean I give it all I got. Im hitting it right, Im hittin it left, I come up underneath it..." at this point he gets up and demonstrates the move to John with an air-axe. Swooshing and leaping Bagnose crashes first into the table then onto the floor. Getting up a little dazed he continues with a quaver in his voice, "Ya, like dat! JUS like dat... and it didnt matter. The mudder an about forty o da little ones are all peckin da crap outta me an I says, enuff o dis so I hoof it back to Bergost. I telled da guards but dey jus laughed and I layed down a minute or to ta catch me breath. I wanted to come back and get Rev, or Terra, or Matty an go an bash the thing, but I be too embarassed." Real tears now roll down his cheeks and he shakes them off. "Bah, stoopid woodpeckers!" He grabs the tankard and in one coup-de-grace stands up and tries to drink it all. Most of it gets in his eyes, beard, and down the front of his armour rather than in his mouth, but he doesn't seem to care as he loses his balance and not so gracefully starts to fall backwards. His arms pinwheel madly for a second and a resigned look comes over his face andhe gives up and lets gravity take over. John could have sworn his buddy Baggy was snoring BEFORE he hit the floor, but he would never say anything.
Motioning to Rand to help, the two men drag the Dwarf to his room to let him sleep it off. John goes to take off the Dwarves armour, and Rand's eyes fly wide open and he shakes his head vigorously, "Nae sir, don't do that. The last time someone tried to part a Dwarf from his armour I had to send for a healer to restore an arm... Better leave him be." John lets go and the Dwarf slumps heavily on the wooden floor, snoring loudly. Rand exits quietly and motions for sir John to follow which he does, post haste.
Closing the door, John shakes his head, "Dwarves..." and he and Rand share a knowing look.
))
