Never Again Forget - Saint Merielle Silene

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-SECOND ENTRY]

My anger has cooled, mostly, though I scrubbed and reordered, cleaned top to bottom the whole of the temple before I felt I could open my mouth without seething discontent scorching those closest to me. I still feel disoriented, but at least finally, sleep again found me. Whether it was from kind council or from sheer exhaustion, I cannot say. The nightmare of that brief moment dances through my un-waking mind. Every veiled mockery that black-hearted viper spoke dancing between images of battle and blood. I wake wondering if he is really dead… I fear it some other trick… It would seem in every attempt to sunder my nerves and resolve, his face or his voice was there in the last few encounters… I wonder if he was there all along, just out of view… smiling that mocking smile.

Things are harder to remember clearly. I know there are moments of laughter between moments of tear… conversations where I know I spoke wisdoms, thoughts guided by the Hand of the Crying God. Bits are lost to shadows of my fragmented mind.

Shadows… Ever they are present, whispering among themselves, whispering in my ear. I wonder to what modicum of truths lay hidden in those words. Some speak kindness… some speak cruelties… No doubt others fear I am losing my mind. Ilmater has not left me, and it is his strength that is mine. I draw heavily on the friendships of those dear to me. They anchor me. Their strengths they freely offer to shield my weaknesses. So long as I do not face these many threats singularly… I may yet stand. I steal moments of rest when others remain present to watch over the children. I have given up on chamomile and lavender teas… they may marginally calm me, but I can consume dozens of cups of the warm liquid and gain nothing more than a blurry haze. Lavender… the saving grace of the evening.

After a rather unsettling realization that shadows do not like to share dark corners with other shadows… and some are as twisted and hateful as the darkest crevices devoid of light, others as fleeting as shapes in candlelight flickers. Plots and schemes I would rather stay ignorant of. No doubt others would look at me in worry if they had seen the amount of candles I burned to keep the darkness at bay, but in that wash of gentle light I found enough solace for a warm bath, much needed after spending hours scrubbing floors. Sometimes it is good to banish even shadow and find purchase in a bit of solitude.

My poor robes nearly worn thin… I spent a bit of the morning repairing the tattered hem. There is more fabric in the back… I shall start on a new robe once my chores are done. Much to do, ever so much to do. I long to leave the temple to find some much needed answers. I am curious the fate of the other messengers… I pray that if they are safe. My stomach knots when I remember what I told them before they left:

‘If you safely reach your destination stay there…’

Did they see in my eyes the worry there? None of them went forth ignorant of the dangers of the task they were given. Still my heart weeps as I wonder the meaning behind the messages bloodied and torn scattered at the front of the temple. I fear the truth is less unknown to me than I care to admit. I know it means they are likely dead or worse…

I pray that forces in Damara and other places stronger will get wind of the troubles and in the very least seek the missing messengers, at least in that they may rest peacefully in Mercy’s embrace. The sisters and the children… not fighters… Brother Marcus’ staff is more a walking stick than a weapon for his old frame. My training must continue somehow…I must be strong enough to fight in their stead.

Still it is hard to practice the art of combat in the confines of the temple… though it seems trouble finds me even here. Though I would rather it not. Still one does not get to choose the circumstances of fates greater than our own, or how it involves us. We do however get to choose how react. I would not give up this task. I will not waver, and I shall endure.

It will not always be so. Some day there will be light, there will be peace, and I needn’t walk this path that Ilmater guides me on, without fearing the trouble that lurks with each step. My faith is my strength… I shall not waver. For now there is work to do… much to do…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-THIRD ENTRY]

The past can come back to haunt you easily as it can be ignored… Nothing can be ignored indefinitely. Time indeed reveals all mysteries. I do not understand how I can be forced forget years of my childhood, who I was but cannot forget that which I choose to… I thought perhaps if I kept them devoid of form, if they were not written or spoken of, seen or heard, that perhaps they could become as blissfully absent as a bad dream forgotten upon waking… as far from me as those lost years. Those memories branded as deeply on my soul as the mark of House Baenund is in my skin. What I wouldn’t give to be rid of both.

What is it to live without fear? To speak without worrying that somehow in the days unseen those words would be the undoing of much, to step forward without looking back? To be unguarded and open? To live without anger and hatred? Mistrust? What is it to love without fearing its loss, without dreading its absence? I would hope to be able to answer these questions before my time to walk these lands has ended.
I was wondering to myself, my mind spiraling into the dark corners of the past.

It is strange, I hate some of my past… but it is these darkest moments shaded by blood and flame, the sum of the moments between one searing pain and the next that have led me to where I am, and I cannot say that I do not see the good of it. I am skilled in many areas. I am able to do work for long hours and withstand a great deal of stress because my past molded me in such a way. I can stand between the shadow and the flame… Stand the heat and hold the darkness back because of the roads I walked before. I can sew my own robes because I learned when I worked for the merchant’s wife. I can cook well because it was demanded of me by the fat nobleman. I have the skill to write well as demanded by the wizard.

Indeed would I have learned so well to survive had events not conspired all those years ago to tear from me my memories and my freedom? I learned to say one thing while speaking another, learned to dance with shadow and secret, to listen to that which is not spoken of, to watch, to survive. I learned that no one is infallible, no one perfect, no one who lives without one form of shame or another… I learned to appreciate blessings as they are presented. I learned to suffer pains and shames and withstand, to suffer all that is dark and cold and still cling to hope. I learned to love, and the value of it, learned to live with its loss, learned to appreciate the light because I had so long walked in darkness. I learned that secrets held power, value, some greater than life itself, some worth one small favor or another. I learned what it was like to be the plaything, the slave, the poor, the cold, the tired, the hungry, the criminal, the innocent, the desolate, the hopeless, the beaten and broken, all this I learned, and learned all too well. I learned to find hope, a fragile flame flickering in the drafty darkness, and nurture it, protect it, hold on to its light and its warmth. Learned to teach that flame to spread, to grow, to ignite the darkness and burn away the despair. Then I learned, as a child, to experience the world in its new and brilliant color that it exists in. To appreciate the light and all in it because I had seen the darkness…

In learning, in experiencing these things, in knowing that pain and anguish… I learned something more important than any lesson I had ever learned and taken to heart. I learned of Mercy. I learned of the simple mercy in a smile, to heal, to mend, to offer hope, to search for light, and ease the pain of others, to ease their hearts and minds, soothe their spirits. Could I stand as I do now if I had not fallen as I had then?
~~

The day started simple enough, and I woke rested. I cannot remember the last time I slept so soundly. There were no thoughts, no dreams, no aches or pains… only sleep.

I found some sturdy but lightweight cloth in large enough quantity to work with for a new set of robes. I measured and cut carefully. Sister Addy wished to cook breakfast, and there was not much else that needed doing in the small hours of the morning, so I began sewing and entertaining more contemplation.

My musings of the morning were given pause as I heard a now familiar footfall, and I turned to a now familiar face. A face that many would call a monster… I call a friend. We spoke of faith and of Ilmater’s teachings. As Billy came in, yawning and sleepy eyed, the sun was just starting to rise. Tarnok shrank back to the corner fearing he would frighten Billy. My heart swelled with joy and pride as Billy moved forward.

‘Aren’t you the one who saved me?’

‘Yes.’

His reply was graveled and uncertain sounding… almost wary. I can hardly describe what happened next save to call it some form of childlike grace. Billy moved forward much to Tarnok’s surprise and enfolded the big orc as well as his small arms would allow. A person’s merit is in deed, not in appearances. I have seen beautiful people commit acts that would curdle the blood of demons… I watched a -man- try to kill a child… a child! I watched a -monster- an orc, call down an angel to save the boy… indeed I know who the man and who the monster was… Orc-blood he may well be, but he is less a monster than many accepted by polite society. I think perhaps today he opened himself to a mercy he had previously been unwilling to accept. Indeed for a brief moment he exhibited a bit of genuine happiness. He dropped his wary façade of distrust and worry, If only for a moment. No truer showing of Divine Mercy existed than to see that large creature hug that small boy with such gentleness and care.

Tarnok left shortly after breakfast… I must remember in the future to take care when choosing words… I would not wish to put him ill at ease over something like ‘flapjacks’ again, poor dear. I also must seek some dishes more suitable to one of such size, as I am sure he and the orc-blooded Paladin who has graced our table before would appreciate such.

Shortly after breakfast Billy complained of a sore on his back that gave him trouble. Tender to the touch he could not sleep on it. Thinking perhaps that Tabbi had simply gotten too rough in her play I asked to see his back. I don’t think much could have prepared my heart for the sight that greeted my eyes.

There in a perfect circle, marked into his flesh was ten spinning, tear-dropped shapes. It was the ring of blood that circled the skull and the essence of the symbol of Bhaal. While it looked an open wound, it did not bleed. The skin around It was red and irritated. Somehow I managed to keep the depth of my alarm to myself and went to get Brother Marcus. He too I could tell was deeply troubled by the sight that greeted his eyes, and he too managed to hold his composure. He bid me follow him to the sanctuary and I did.

We spoke in hushed tones away from the ears and eyes of the others. Brother Marcus explained that he had only seen such markings one other time before, on the corpse of a chosen of Bhaal. That the symbol, so long as it remained incomplete meant only that he was marked by the Lord of Murder. It would complete if he killed, thus cementing Bhaal’s claim on him.

We spoke of what little was known of such things. Will of gods be damned! I will not give up Billy… not to the likes of Bhaal… I would march through the Hells themselves… through all the planes to the edges of the Multiverse to whatever ends, face Bhaal himself before I would surrender that child to him. I have not stood through so much to let such a thing come to pass.

Brother Marcus bid me calm as we sought a way to reverse this. I told him I would go through my notes again, see if there was something I missed. Brother Marcus said he would seek what he could. In the meantime we must be watchful of Billy more so than ever.

The more I thought on it the more became clear… he was being manipulated… his innocence exploited, and I was blind to it. Blind as a fool, and now I hoped my eyes not opened too late. Mercy of Mercies let me not fail in this! By all the dearest, sweetest mercies… I cannot lose them. Those children so infinitely precious to my heart…

So much made sense… letting Billy witness the attack on Brother Marcus, the viper giving him daggers to ‘protect us with’… telling this young child he should one manner of lie or another, pushing him toward some moment when he must choose to be the valiant protector and defeat his enemies… Something that day in the woods… the mark is where the magus had a hold of Billy’s shoulder… Gods was I so blind?!

I scoured my notes, praying some unseen knowledge waited there on the pages, between the rows of script, between words and phrases… but found naught. I finally at the end of the day spoke with Esen on the matter. He is familiar with Candlekeep, he is also skilled enough to travel the road south undetected if needed, and arrive unharmed. I asked him to seek any information no matter how insignificant it might seem. He left quickly thereafter. I pray mercy guides his steps, Ilmater keep your hand at his back and let him arrive safely… please…
~~

Not all whispers in the shadows are unpleasant, but hold frightening similarity to the words of another. Still it is this whisper that saves me from madness that I am surely so close to. There is such a fine line between the devout and the fanatical, between confusion and madness, between courage and foolish arrogance, between truth and lie. I walk that thread’s-breath of a line, and some days I am asked to dance.

Somehow there is calming in these quiet conversations. I hardly could begin to list the contradictions and practicality of the thoughts that run through my mind. I know only that I must take care lest I lose what fragile control I maintain. I sense a persistence I am unused to combating, and a frustration at my insistence to keep the whole world at a safe enough distance. But for now … things are as they are.

I have nothing to fear save the past I hide from, the secrets I deny I hold, the freedom that is not really mine if you ask the wrong people. Nothing to fear… except the past which haunts me and a future shrouded in uncertainty.

‘They look to me for hope, faith, guidance… so many for so much. If only they knew how much I was just a scared little girl…’

I wonder how Ilmater has so much strength, patience and courage to lend to one such as I? Indeed the font that supports me seems endless, and without it I would surely fail, and I am further buoyed by dear and loyal friends. I want so much to find solace… to speak without fear, love without worrying that my affections endanger them, step without questioning the shadows that shift, to see a cloud on the horizon and be thankful for the rain without fearing the storm… Have hope… hold faith… the darkness does not last… Mercy prevails…

In that I shall stand… I shall endure, and in the end I shall find peace…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-FOURTH ENTRY]

The day was mostly without incident save the later part of the afternoon. I tried a new recipe today which seemed largely a success.

Esen returned with some information, not much, but at least it’s a start. Something about a Bhaalist ritual called the Blooding. While details are scarce, there were enough bits of information to leave me worried… very worried. They mean very much for him to be a vessel to their god. Dark as the implications are, they are not without hope. It is not too late for Billy. If we are careful, and watchful, the worst can be prevented. There will no doubt come a time when choices must be made.

I pray that my path is guided true, and my guidance is enough when the time comes. So long as Billy is not given the opportunity to kill, be it for the right reasons or not, he will be alright. My prayers have not gone unheard, and even now the words of Ilmater echo through my mind and give me comfort.

‘I am watching my child. Both you and Young William will have a choice… Have faith my child.’

Faith. My strength, and the one solid truth I have clung to so tightly all these years. Though weakness may find me from time to time, I have found solace in those dear to me. I wonder if they know just how large of a role they play… How dear they each are? Each with their own strengths and weaknesses, and each with so much heart. Blessed… even in dreary days, my blessings outweigh my shortcomings. Even in the strength of my faith, as devout as I am… I wonder if I could have come so far without such dear friends.

Perhaps it was that endearment that led me to forego better judgment. There have been whispers of Elrith having trouble with Drow, to what extent that is unknown to me. But when word was brought to the temple of a large group of them on the surface the others decided to head off in pursuit. As I put the children to bed, Elrith’s words passed echoed through my mind. Still the thoughts that went through my mind were not for my own sake, but of Elrith’s safety, and that of the others. As I hurried past the city gate I glanced back briefly, and prayed mercy held them all safe in my absence.

When I caught up with the others, there was already signs of battle, though I could scarce make sense of what was going on, I quickly sought the wounded, and familiar faces. Far too long, I was not as efficient as I could have been at mending wounds on the run. I managed, but my skills have suffered from lack of use. At some point I was knocked unconscious, and when I came to, the others were speaking of cultists. That they were looking for a boy. While little else made sense at that moment, one thing became very clear… I was out in the open, vulnerable, and worse still… so was the temple… the children.

As the thoughts formed in my mind there was a cloud of darkness and the distant, but not distant enough, chant of Bhaal priests. It was a second attack. I remember fighting… vaguely. I remember trying to help the others. Everything is shrouded in a haze. The only thing I remember clearly before seeing the children’s sleeping faces, was the urgent need to get back to the temple.

Of course the children were fine. I had returned to the front of the temple to reassure the others, but was silenced by a strange chanting outside the temple door. I did not expect to see that dark shade standing there… I did not expect that mocking smile. I thought myself rid of him when he fell not even a few days passed. I felt my anger rising to just beneath the surface as I glared at this twisted thing. The shadow of an evil man now curdled by undeath, still held all his malice and ill will… Still maintained that arrogant tone that needled beneath my skin, that malignant taunting in his eyes that fanned the embers of my anger to burning flames.

The exchange was tense.

‘In death you only made me stronger… We will have the child.’

Though I am sure my eyes betrayed my anger, my voice did not. Flatly, I leveled my gaze at him and spoke with cold finality:

‘You will not.’ My defiance was met with his irritating laughter.

‘William is destined for great things Merielle.’

‘Not by your hand he is not.’

‘Why do you fight it? He holds the mark… He -will- be the vessel.’

‘I will not let you draw him down that path!’ My words as much a threat as a promise escaped my lips with far less calm than I would have hoped. My defiance was met with more infuriating mockery.

‘But he has already begun to walk that path…There is no stopping it now.’

As he laughed my anger only lent strength to my will. If I could not control my temper in the face of such, I would use it to my advantage… Ilmater forgive me, I will draw in every ounce of strength and will I possess, I will stop them… I WILL.

‘There is, and I will…’ My eyes narrowed and I longed for my gaze to be but daggers…

‘You speak with such -conviction- yet in your heart you know it is hopeless.’

He laughed and I endured his mockery, weighing my options of a strike, after all I saw him fall once…

‘There is -ever- hope.’

‘Not for young William.’

My anger blurred my vision, my focus. I was aware that a battle of sorts was imminent, and as I opened my mouth to speak, I was surprise by the venom and anger in my own voice.

‘You -will not- have him!’

The courage of the others was admirable. Their willingness to stand with me in the face of a threat that was not entirely directed at them, it meant a lot to me. My faith is not theirs, but they choose to stand by me in the face of this enemy, to stand in defense of the Ilmatari. Blades were drawn as we stood facing him. I did not wish to endanger these, and my words, spoken for their safety bid them inside the sanctuary.

‘I will not leave you alone with this fiend Merielle!’ The young Lathandarite spoke with such courage and finality. I thought to argue with her but, truth I did not argue those words, not because I could not, for I could have, but were our roles reversed… I would have said as much. It is pointless to argue with one’s mirrored reflection…

‘We stand between you and the boy. All of us.’ I heard in Elrith’s voice that fury that dwelled beneath her calm exterior. I have seen her in battle… she channels her anger into such a force of sheer fury, it is almost frightening to behold. As I cast each woman a cautioning glance and we took up defensive stances, He spoke… his words teasing and taunting in malignance.
‘I will have the boy soon enough. There is nothing you can do to stop it...’

I did not let him finish. I spoke trembling with unspent anger and defiance borne of faith.

‘I will not allow it! Mercy holds him and will not let him go!’

‘I suggest you pray Sister Merielle.’

His laughter… Oh! How I despise it! It was enough to set the explosive emotions ablaze. Battle cries and Spell song rang over the voice of blades and fist. It would not end in victory for either side however, at least not the victory of death to one side or the other. He fled in a cloud of darkness… His laughter still rang through my head as I sized up the others. I ran inside fearing somehow that the others might be in danger, but all was well.

I fetched some cookies I had made earlier that day and something for the others to drink… I was unable to focus on conversation, my mind elsewhere. My thoughts ran in circles trying to escape the fury enticed by the magus’ words. I went back to check on the children.

Billy’s restless dream-speak halted me, and I gathered his small frame in my arms. I lulled him back to sleep, rocking until his face smoothed and he relaxed into peaceful rest. I spent most of the night pacing. I could not say how many times I took pause to watch the children sleep. I read and re-read my notes. Then I read over the edicts of my faith. I read passages from this journal even… I came to one conclusion. Not an act of faith, not a promise, or a threat, not a hopeful statement or one of defiance, just truth:

Ilmater will not let him go. Not so long as I hold so tightly to him. I -will not- Waver. Everything will work out in the end. Mercy will Prevail.
~~

[LeslieMS]

//Sorry to disappoint darlings... Dragging my feet a bit so to speak...
Meri still has something to say... its just late //

[Wildelf]

Sad face!

By the way, these are so much fun to read. Don't stop.

[LeslieMS]

//You have my word... Meri's Story will continue so long as Ilmater sends her forth fro Martyrdom when she dies... so long as The Hand of Mercy bids her work... she shall =)//

[LeslieMS]

//SORRY darlings that it took so long to get this up. Been a rough couple of days, but things are back to normal. Here is the much anticipated continuation from the other day =)

[FIFTY-FIFTH ENTRY]

Strange times this… faces pass in and out of memory with cryptic messages and hidden meanings… As if to further compound my memories and confusion, my dreams are strange. Blast my memory! There is something desperately important that is escaping my waking thoughts…

A conversation today left me with much to think about.

It started out as a conversation on dear Addy’s bread making skills. Tessian, who had kept me company in his normal cheerfulness, lent the music of laughter to my thoughts as I worked on my new robes. Nearly done, thankfully for my fingers sake as Tabbi has again taken my thimbles… this makes a total of five thimbles… and two copper coins… she has such a penchant for shiny things…

Dear little cat… and I cannot get Cloud to whisper her hiding place to me. Ah well no worries, I am nearly done. Perhaps it is his off-handed humor, constant remarks, and intelligently placed silliness, but he always has a knack for drawing laughter from the darkest subjects. Such is his nature, and seriousness is hardly his normality, which is likely why I was caught most off guard as the subjects rolled along…

As I finished my tea there came a question immediately following the discussion of bread, and Addy’s endless patience for Tessian’s antics. I picked up the bundle of fabric and set my needle and thread to the gray mass in neat quick stitches. I recount the conversation, partly because every word runs through my mind even now, and as sleep escapes me yet again I wonder at it…

‘Merielle why are you sewing?’

‘I may well have this finished by morning… Why? Because I can’t very well patch the patches on the near threadbare frock I wear now. It is time for a new one, though this time there will be more pockets…’

I continued to mutter on the merits of pockets, and the despairing of too few as his next question came:

‘Is that the only reason you are sewing?’

‘Well why else does some one sew? This is hardly embroidery.’

‘Are you sewing to keep your mind on something else? Are you afraid of letting your mind wander?’

Wholly caught off guard by the suddenly serious, and suddenly very direct line of conversation, I sought to hide my own vulnerability in my reliable staple of wit and catechism… For surely any question can be answered in such a way that much remains hidden. Over the years I had gotten rather adept at subtly moving the conversation from myself to a much broader perspective. Though over the years… I have matched wits with few so… intuitive as Tessian. Had I noticed earlier that he used my full proper name and not my nickname I may well have been wise to what was afoot… instead I found myself asking questions to avoid questions I was unprepared to answer.

‘Why in the name of the heavens would you think that?’

‘Because I think that is how you live… From one thing to the next, trying not to let -something- slip between the gaps.’

‘Idle minds breed discontent.’

And so began a game of parable and quote, dodging and ducking gracefully in and out of interrogation… though in this instance I fear it was with considerably less of my usual grace. Some men fight with swords… some men fight with bows… some with magic, or money or power or threats… I choose to fight little at all, if a dance with words fails me, then I pray my fists do not, but how does one stand in a losing battle from the start, knowing there shall be no fist falls to balance the points where conversation failed?

‘As with everyone.’ came his patient counter. ‘But I think it is much more than that with you. You’re afraid of quiet… afraid of rest because your mind always wanders back to your fears.’

My breath held… I felt as though he had opened my skull and peered into the darkness with a flaming torch… brought to light something I had thought best left ignored and unexposed…

‘And Merielle… I don’t like to see it.’

Quickly I spoke in effort to halt this path we walked through minds full of restless, or dark corners.

‘I am not afraid of rest… What makes you think that?’

‘Because you avoid it when it would be better for you.’

‘I get plenty of rest.’ I countered like a small child in defiance. Still I managed a half smile hoping that the whole of the conversation was on the sum of my health, not the mazes of my own thoughts, which of course was quickly dashed by his next torrent of words. There was no ill in his voice… no accusation, no anger… But the concern there was more than evident. And it gave me pause as I realized it was best not to dodge or argue, but to assuage his worry, and ease his mind. I could indulge his questions for a bit… safely I hoped… but either way, his friendship deserved more than half truths and sidestepped questions… I listened as he spoke, wincing as the words bore far more truth than I thought they could.

‘To do what? Face another day in the hopes of not scaring yourself in the prison of your own mind, only to sleep again begrudgingly, fearing that dreams will not be merciful?’

Unsure of what else to say… or how much he had gleaned I spoke uncertainly:

‘Have I been talking in my sleep?’

‘You don’t have to. Your eyes speak everything when you walk from you room each morning. There are mornings when you don’t seem tired… or rested… just… terrified…’

The silence that filled those few moments while I gathered thoughts… carefully chosen words failing me, for indeed it was not my words which gave me away this time… but my eyes… the imperceptible body language I had yet to master in all my years . Worse still… there was no fleeing this place… so many… far too close for comfort. So many whispers waiting just beneath the calm surface… to unleash a flood of thoughts.

Too many weaknesses too fragilely covered as time had worn defenses thin. I duty bound… I could not light away as I had in Trademeet… it was not as if the roll of masters and mistresses would save me from exposition either… Here there was no order to hide behind… No dark glean of fired hatred to defiantly stand against… no enemy to fuel my deception… No… Deceptions were losing their place in my life… I felt open… laid bare and exposed… Still there was a shred of mystery I could yet hide behind… after all my greatest and most feared secrets were still mine to hold. All this in a span of a few short seconds… and I spoke out of careful habit, that was after all the difference between life and death.

‘The last few weeks have been trying.’

‘Yes but… what about the last few -years-?’

‘I -have- been talking in my sleep.’

‘No its your profession. I have never known an Ilmatari that was not an Ilmatari because of one common thread: Sympathy.’

‘It would be hard to aid others without it.’

‘And do not forget that I knew you before all this began… Do you remember the Feldpost’s Inn in Beregost?’ I could only nod slowly my thoughts drifting back and hoping the memory was indeed there as he continued. ‘I spoke of cards… of the hand dealt in life. By hiding your words you revealed much. The subject quieted you greatly. You tried to remain as aloof from the subject as you could. And it persists. You will remain aloof… Distant from rest for fear that it brings fear. Distant from others for fear of loss. Distant from yourself, for fear of inadequacy.’

I watched in a nearly silent state of shock… as he sought the truths I thought so carefully hidden. But this instance so different from the last time another got so close. There was no malice… no anguish… no breaking hearts… no death… only he and I and the gentle hush of the temple… I had not felt so exposed in nearly six years. As much as I hate to admit it… not only did it scare me half to death… but there was truth and wisdom there to be had, if only I could reach through my quaking soul to grasp it. The question that remained unanswered was this:

Had I the strength to finally step away from my own fears? Had I truly?

He picked up a few breadcrumbs from the table and spoke quietly as he dropped each on the table slowly.

‘A piece gone… and another… and another… as fear tears you apart…’

I was saved from further weighing of such heavy words by the blessedly timely arrival of Elrith… and a welcome change of focus and conversation… though awkward because she no doubt saw my expression… though what my face belied there across from Tessian’s own all-too-serious expression, I dare not truly ask. It was enough to give her pause… because greetings and wishes for good health were passed all too quickly.

‘How are you two?’

‘I am well… let me go get some more tea… perhaps something with chamomile…’

‘Feeling tired Meri?’ She asked as she studied us both. ‘Mayhap I interrupted something?’

Comically perhaps Tessian and I answered her inquiry simultaneously prompting a raised brow from Elrith.

‘Interrupted? Somewhat, but no fault of yours.’ Tessian supplied as I spoke:

‘Oh no, in fact we were just chatting.’ I likely turned eight shades of crimson as my answer rang with Tessian in complete polar accord. My quick flight to the kitchen for tea could have not looked more like the frightened flight of pray narrowly escaping the hunter’s arrow…

Fortunately the conversation lasted long enough to grant me respite, and time to regroup my internal defenses.

I returned from the kitchen, and we spoke of several things, but importantly… she spoke of Aloria.

Another spirit restless… a soul that wanders. Still this bodes hopeful for a great number of things, namely Aloria’s possible return from Death’s grasp. Apparently Aloria spoke of the undead at great length and a creature named Bahl’hal. Tessian and Elrith were scant on details but it sounds a complicated topic to read up on. No doubt looking into it may help greatly if I am to stand with the city against the undead, and perhaps give me something to occupy my curiosity.

Elrith asked for my help, which I would gladly give… if only I knew how exactly to help. Shortly thereafter, Elrith went to get some rest.

As luck would have it, a pair of adventurer looking sorts came to the temple looking for Elrith and I. This is not strange, but the circumstances that brought them to the temple was hardly the need for a healer. No it was the message they bore that was most strange. They had been sent, under rather an odd state of affairs, to deliver a message.

‘Izz’orgoll has brought the Charnag to the surface, they hunt kivvil.’

The sense of the message was not mine to hold. But the messenger was told to deliver it to myself or Elrith. The names are unfamiliar to me, the message strange, stranger still is the hand that chose the messenger and how. It may or may not be known to me who he was, that bid these two to the temple. But aside from a warning to those of the surface against a Drow raid… the mystery of the message is not mine to hold. I must tell Elrith as soon as possible. I wonder if this has anything to do with her troubles I have heard a scant bit about. Ah the plots and schemes of shadows… how they complicate things. Plots and shadows, carefully woven webs of truths and mistruths and even half-truths. Unsure what else to make of the message without Elrith present to lend any further light on it, I asked the rough looking pair to take the message to the authorities.

Soon after they left I decided to take a short nap. When I awoke, I found Tessian looking as nonchalant as ever. However it seems he and the sisters and children had been quite busy on my brief nap, and I was served a grand meal in honor of what he called ‘Red-Headed Ilmatari Day.’ The meal and the remainder of the evening passed in pleasant, and some less serious conversation. Billy was kind enough to place a large bouquet of wild flowers on my pillow…

He told me they were Tessian’s idea. I thought to ask about other things, but instead tucked the children into bed and found a nice vase for the flowers. They are so lovely. Sometimes I long for a quiet cottage, with a flower garden in the front and a vegetable garden in the back… herbs growing in window boxes. A couple of children playing. Ah the wonders of the imagination. Shame I cannot have children of my own. Too many … troubles … for me to bear children.

Still perhaps I shall adopt Billy and Dianne, if ever I have a home of my own. I would love to take them with me. These thoughts comforted me as I drifted off to sleep last night. I wonder if it was these thoughts that led to the strange… or rather very disturbing… dream I had. Curious, it was gruesome and most unpleasant… not to mention confusing. Still perhaps it is best not to dwell on such things. Likely the pleasant thoughts before bed, and the stress of so much of late. No doubt nothing more than trivial…

There is much work to do. I should like to get it all caught up so this evening I may finish my robes.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-SIXTH ENTRY]

[This passage is little more than a hastily written half page of coherent thoughts, and nearly a whole page of notes on a conversation. There is also a small sketch of the golden object]

Several days have passed with little more than quiet conversation and worried whispers. This plague that sweeps the land, a very prominent worry. Emrys came to the temple yesterday bearing a small shard of a golden orb. One of six pieces. He gave me what information he had, which is not very much, but every bit helps. I hear whispers that it is the water which is contaminated… and whispers further still of a dark robed figure. What all of these things bear in common, and the nature of this sickness is a mystery not yet mine to hold…

Time will reveal its secrets though, of this there is not doubt. He spoke of a Lathandarite named Elias, giving the orb to the Halfling village, and of failing crops and dying sheep. It seems some of the sheep died of illness. It also seems that the troubles did not start until after they were given the orb. It is strange how it was thought nothing but a solid golden orb… but yet there is evil sensed within it. When the large Orcish fellow stomped the object there was a great flash of light and sound that left him blinded and deafened temporarily.

There are now six pieces of this orb. Emrys apologized for bringing it to the temple since he is unsure how safe it is to carry the item. If this item is indeed the source of the trouble… what of the rumors of a dark figure contaminating water supplies? So very many questions. Already dozens are dead of this strange affliction… Many more are ill. I pray answers come quickly…

The sisters and I have already begun putting out extra cots, blankets and other supplies. We hear that it has finally reached Baldur’s Gate. It is only a matter of time before we are called forth to aid the sick. I wonder though how we shall confront this unknown threat. It is our way to offer comfort to the sick, to heal and mend that which is broken, be it the body, spirit, or mind.

This will test our endurance, our faith and our strengths… reveal our weaknesses. Such is the way of sickness. In the way of Mercy… We shall offer what comfort we can. We are ready to deal with most known sicknesses, but from what I hear, I wonder if that is enough. Ilmater be with us, guide our hands to heal, our words to comfort, our hearts to compassion, and grant us the wisdom to deal with this task before us. May you comfort the sick in the hours of their suffering. Mercy guide our steps.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

Well I went to the reading of contest winners. The contest that Tiberius had put on. It was an interesting event, but I am glad I decided not to take the children. The subject material might have confused Billy, to see the things glorified that I have for now told him is bad… It was a nice little outing, save for everything from drunks to crude, to down right closed-mindedness. I returned to the temple and made some tea, shortly thereafter was joined by Val. We had scarce begun to talk when Emrys came rushing in.

He was frantic and worried over Elrith. After hearing a recounting of events that led to such, I am gravely worried over her as well. This creature involved in the troubles with the undead and with Aloria, seemed to attack Elrith and Emrys while Emrys was undertaking some sort of spiritualistic ritual. Elrith’s memories are gone… to the point that Emrys said she did not know what an Elf was. Most disturbing to not even know what an elf is if you are one. This was three days passed. If she has no knowledge of where she is, or who, she is very vulnerable. Not only that, but that makes her wholly unaware of the dangers she already faces, leaving her isolated as she fears those who were once friends.

The scope of such an implication is vast. If her skills in battle are also absent she has no way of defending herself. Emrys says she was last seen in the Wood of Sharp Teeth which is a most dangerous place. It is heartbreaking to think of her in such a state. Perhaps more so for me than another because I know exactly how she must feel. I have been to that place where there is naught but questions without answers. I pray her affliction is temporary. I pray fervently that Ilmater protects her. If not because she is a dear and true friend, then because she was as a dear sibling, and one of my most passionate protectors.

Against many threats she stood between myself and my enemy. And I felt comforted by that. To see her in battle is awe inspiring to say the least. I wish I was there to protect her now in her time of need as she had so often done for me. The only comfort I find through all of this is Elrith’s own strength. By the Mercies, may it be enough to draw her back from the depths of such loss. For now, I have a promise to keep. I will be her hope when she holds none for herself. I will see things made right. I only pray that I can do so before the time to face the Bhaalists has come. I would feel better with her at my side. For now I wait, and pray. I keep my ears open for news of her whereabouts.

Speaking of news… the silence from those of Bhaal’s fold worries me. I learned the hard way the last time, that the peace and silence was not to be trusted. I will not make such a mistake twice. There are still so many unanswered questions in this. If they are as intent on staying as I, then it will be quite a battle of wills. No matter though. I will not waver. Either I will see victory, or I will see my enemy retreat. I refuse to see any other outcomes. I will not leave, they will not gain dominion over the region, nor will they take that which I hold dear. I will endure… I will remain. And when all is said and done… Mercy will prevail.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

Esen has found Elrith and brought her to the temple. For now she is safe. Emrys and Esen sat a great long while and chatted with Elrith and I. I keep hoping that some smell, some taste, name or phrase, anything, might trigger a memory forgotten. Even a sensation of something familiar… much the way Lavender offers me some comfort. Though its never a complete memory… I get the sense it has to do with my mother. The sensation of comfort from a time lost to me… Mercies… Poor Elrith. She cannot even read. She speaks both Elven and Common, so there is at least still hope. What I once thought was a single, intricate plot, has become far more complicated. It seems this Vampire creature, that I have heard many calling the Shadow Singer is not in league with the undead, but rather in direct opposition with the Soulblight creature.

It also seems that Elrith’s memories are not going to be so easy to retrieve as killing the vampire. It seems his fractured soul is tangled in a web of Hellish bargains. Still in the midst of so many things, there are too many unanswered questions. I fear haste in this situation could have dire ramifications, but so too does waiting too long to rectify the situation. I have offered to let Elrith stay at the temple as long as she has the need. I do not wish her to see as I have, how people are all too willing to exploit her in this state. After all, it was my empty and open mind that delivered me in my youth to the Athkatla Slavers. While I know Elrith is more formidable and definitely much better off when it comes to Allies, I wonder at what hidden shadows stalk her from the dark corners of more recent events.

Still the evening was not all shadow and despair. More cheerful moments colored the evening. Eventually Elrith sought rest, and once she was situated, Esen offered to buy Emrys and I drinks. This led to of course just myself going… which made me uncomfortably aware of my promise to wear the dress she had bought me for those ‘special outings.’ Blast my inability to break a promise! So since this was an outing that had nothing to do with duty or work… grudgingly, and arguing my own mind, I changed into the dress.

It was a very fine thing, full of graceful fabric and brilliant color. Never in my life have I worn something so nice… I felt an awkward girl dressed up for the village dance… or a peacock with far too much pride to conceal my plumage. In contrast to the lovely blues and greens of the dress, my cheeks took on an embarrassing rosy hue. There simply was no hiding from the compliments and smiles. My fourth half glass of wine in my whole life, and some more pleasant conversation, then finally I returned to the temple to put the dress away carefully and put on my newly finished grey robes. I felt strangely exposed in the lavish silk, though it covered just as well as my temple robes… It is hard to explain. I am wholly unused to finery, least of all so much attention… and I draw too much attention on normal day.

As the night drew itself out in its own star-sprinkled splendor, I found again that sleep refused to find me. So I walked to the edge of the city, taking in the quiet of the night and willing peace to my turbulent thoughts. I sat some time drawing before conversation was mine to be had again… Morning found me soon thereafter. Eventually I made my way back to the temple to check on the others and rest.

I wonder if there will ever come a time in my years, where there are not threats on all sides, and duty to occupy my time. What would I do then? Entertain foolish thoughts of such simple things as a family and a home… Peace will find me someday, but I often wonder if I would know what to do with it… No matter, I am sure I could learn, and perhaps when the time comes it will not be something I must keep so distanced from my heart.

I found a bloodied coin on the alter today, and while I cannot say with certainty where it came from… I have an idea. So many enemies, and I hardly understand now how they are mine. I bear very few ill, and never without purpose. Still some hearts are cruel and full of hate. There is naught to be done save show them kindness and hope that Mercy may find them.

Patience is something I have in no small measure, but it is infinitely trialed and tested. I will stand ever present, never wavering, for that is as I am bid do so, and doing so aligns with my heart, knowing that I act rightly, my path guided, mercy and caution in each step. Indeed, peace shall find me someday… Patience… Mercy prevails.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[FIFTY-NINETH ENTRY]

I am losing my mind… I must be. That is the only thing that makes sense at this point. My dreams seem to dance between one extreme or another. On one hand they are dark, morose and full of shadowy, twisted figments of the past. On the other… little more than cheery flashes, the scent of lavender, the calm of a windswept meadow full of daisies. Some moments I wake gripped by a fear I cannot explain readily. In those moments there are no dreams that touch my conscious mind. Silently I would walk the length and breadth of the temple and can only draw breath once my eyes fall on the peacefully sleeping faces of the children.

That sensation that something is close at hand, something on the verge of going awry, my constant companion. Sometimes I leave the room only to come back and find something out of place. Did I leave my journal laying open on the desk? Was that book on the shelf? Was I in the middle of something and walked away leaving the chopping knife on the table? Surely I made the bed? Am I losing my mind? Or is the explanation far more mundane?

I know there are those that walk among the shadows as easy as breathing, and while all are not so cruel, I know one capable and more than willing to cause such mischief… But so far she has had no qualms about taking responsibility for her ‘gifts’. I think there is more to her than she is willing to admit. She seems to expect cruelty, abandonment or even betrayal, she also seems to work under her own idea of justice and punishment. I doubt the girl has seen a shred of mercy in all her days, she appears Elven, so that may well be many. I cannot help but think there is hope for her. I at least have to try. Even if everyone thinks me daft… I have to at least try

Speaking of helping… things with Elrith are proving disheartening for Esen and Emrys. I must say it nearly broke my heart to see her cower in the corner… or to hear her fear and uncertainty as she faced wolves. This once proud warrior woman of the wilds who faced any foe with defiant confidence. To see my once valiant sister-in-arms hide behind me. Elrith, the woman who unfailingly, unflinchingly placed herself between me and my most formidable enemies…

I thought a simple outing to reassure her faith in herself would do her some good, but instead she was awash with child-like fear. I watched her eat each food prepared with the vigor and awe of a babe tasting something new for the first time, everything is so new to her… she truly is as a small child. Oh my dear Elrith… I know not how, but I have given you my word. I will see you made whole, and those who would inflict this torment upon you will suffer Mercy’s retribution, just punishment and a swift, merciful end that they may not do it again to another.

As if I haven’t enough cause for unease these days, I find the presence of a particular Halfling wholly infuriating, and worrisome for some reason I cannot yet place. He first wandered into the temple a few days ago for a meal. As he turned to go he asked where he could leave a donation. Thinking nothing of it, and brushing off his crass behavior as little more than bad manners he went on his way. I could not help but notice a strangeness in the air as he left. I made my way to the sanctuary to tend my prayers, and as I lay my coins on the alter a single bloodied coin stared up at me… Heads up and covered in blood.

The prickling irritation buzzing in the back of my mind as I gingerly took the coin up. I cleansed and blessed the alter, my prayers and tender devotion immediately effecting the air around me. Indeed it seems the shadows themselves lightened. Brother Marcus said he saw no one enter or leave the sanctuary save the Halfling. While it is not enough to condemn him or turn him away from our door, it was enough to set me on edge, suspicious of this odd little hin.

He further grated my nerves with his presence for another meal. Asking the cost of a meal, stuffing his pockets full of bread… Nothing bothersome of that, if it were not for the fact that he had no intention of sharing, and by the sight of his fine silver-ware and gilded wine flask, he is not so well off that he could not afford a room and a meal at an inn. Still, Mercy turns none away with out good cause, and last I checked, bad manners and greed did not count. Elrith and Emrys had returned from an outing with a man named Noric… I cannot say where I have heard that name before… perhaps in speaking with Joan or Elrith? About Aloria maybe?

Either way he sat and enjoyed a meal, and in the spirit of wanting to help, was making inquiries about our trouble with the Bhaalists… The hin took an uncharacteristically enthusiastic interest in the topic. My disquiet, as it were, I nearly fell off the bench when he slammed his palm on the table. Perhaps sensing my discomfort in the presence of the Halfling, the others paid closer attention to his actions, and my own reactions. Noric, whether he sensed I was not speaking as freely as I liked, was unnerved, or perhaps he simply found the hin’s manners so detestable, left all too quickly, with far too little said. I hope he takes no offense to my behavior, and will not rescind his offer for aid. I told Emrys to extend my apologies when next he saw Noric. The Halfling had the nerve to leave two coins on his empty plate. I thought such insults reserved only for poorly behaved serving wenches? Honestly… if he left that bloodied coin atop the two he left now in mockery! I wish my aggravation was grounds enough to keep him well enough away…

To add to my suspicions… I swear he was following on the outing with Elrith. I know I heard his voice… though he remained unseen, and I could not say for sure… I could not shake the sensation that something sinister lurked in the shadows. When we returned to the temple, there he stood across from the door smoking a pipe, leaned against the wall pretty as you please. Thinking perhaps he was a badly mannered mercenary that really did wish to help ‘guard the place against them Bhaalists’ I sent Emrys and Elrith in so that we could speak. Mind you I carried my side of the conversation on from halfway across the road… Something in his eyes… I just cannot bring myself to trust him… but nor could I turn him away. Besides… these days we do need all the help we can get.

His presence makes my skin crawl! He wanted to guard the temple door in exchange for meals and a bed. Hoping he wouldn’t call my bluff, I told him we hadn’t enough beds, and while in truth we had but one spare at any given time… Tosses a diamond at my feet tells me to use it for more beds. And what in the name of mercy did he mean that he just wanted some company, and that he was rather fond of mine? I pray for the sake of all things merciful that he was referring to polite dinner conversation! Still even that is enough of a thought to turn my stomach. I promise, by the mercies, if he so much as gives me a hairs-width of reason to send him on his way… Just to be safe… Esen is now aware of my qualms with him, as is Emrys. I cannot shake the feeling that something foul lurks just behind that haphazard smile of his.

As the evening came to a close with Elrith’s wide-eyed innocence partaking of chocolate chip cookies, Esen’s troubled quiet prompted me to speak, though he maintained silence, stating earlier he wished not to speak. Finally the truth of what troubles him came to light. I offered the only mercy I had to give then, somehow, exhausted as I was, Ilmater guided my words, and I feel I spoke true enough. Quietly he thanked me for my words and bid me good night.

I lay there for some time listening to the wind outside the temple. I speak bravely… in my heart I know there is ever hope… But sometimes… in those small hours, when all else is silent and the others sleep peacefully… the weight of so many sorrows, the want to ease the pain of those dearest to me… the sheer daunting size of such a task… It is nearly suffocating. I know I can succeed even against such crushing burdens. My faith is my strength… What my faith does not cover my stubborn streak will, at least that is what Brother Dracius tells me.

Trademeet… Seems ages since I left the temple and made my way westward. Ages longer since I walked in darkness and pain. I scan the pages of my life… the scraps and bits, bloodstained and charred, hastily scribbled notes… ragged edges of pages torn in anger and fear, secrets lost to time, the distant ache of a love long torn away like so many pages, whimsy, hopeful dream-strewn passages.

One thing remains constant, even in times before faith, before freedom and strength… I survived. When I have set my mind to a task, or a goal, I have made the best of the worst, learning from it and enduring that which would crumble most. I endure… I succeed. I do not waver. After all these years, that isn’t about to change. Mercy will prevail in the face of these injustices and even the wrath of angry gods will not sway me from my task.
~~

[LeslieMS]

//I know its late darlings =) took a while to get the words right =) Thanks dearly to all of you for adding such depth to Meri's story... //

[SIXTIETH ENTRY]

If ever I look back on this passage, I would want to remind myself that the tears that stain this page are not tears of anguish or sorrow… Not tears of pain or torment… Not tears of darkness and despair… The tears I cry now are none other but reverent joy… A peace so profound I may never find words to do it justice.

The day started much as any other… I tended my duties, and my prayers, prepared the food, delivered some blankets and food to the children at the docks. I even took measures against the little babbling gnome who seemed to find a dozen excuses to get close enough to empty my pockets. Once I finally got wind of what he had been doing, and called him on it… well I doubt I will be seeing him again, but in any rate, if he does return he will find my gold much more difficult to obtain. I tried again to work on a bit of embroidery, and so far my second attempt is going much better. I hope to have it finished in time for Iliara’s birthday. I think it will make a lovely present.

Esen joined me as the morning drew late, and we chatted for a bit, and generally enjoyed what was turning into a calm and rather pleasant afternoon. We were later joined by a surprise guest, that I must say caught me completely off guard. Esen asked of my plans for the day to which I wryly responded.

‘I hadn’t dared make plans… that usually ends badly.’

‘Badly how?’

‘Usually interrupted by some ne’er do well… I end up running for my life and trying to keep everyone around me from Death’s Door…’

Before the impact of the cynicism had a chance to take hold I heard a whisper from behind me.

‘That is why I am here now to protect you.’

I turned to see the smiling face of Rai… and instinctively waited for the biting remark, or a blade in my spine… but despite my skepticism she remained pleasant, even in the face of Esen and Emrys’ demeanors. Emrys used biting sarcasm, while Esen remained painfully silent… As she sat next to me making polite and -pleasant conversation- With nary an insult or cruel word, I could do nothing but sit quietly as she spoke with Emrys, occasionally a question surfaced.

She maintained that my words had some impact on her and expressed wish to help ‘make the world a better place.’ While the thought that my words and actions had that much impact on her is most pleasing, and I do hope that this is the first step forward of a journey down a kinder path… No one… I mean -no one- changes over night… I suspect some sort of trickery, but for now I will give her the benefit of the doubt… I did after all offer her a second chance. Is it wrong to hope that the woman who once planted her blade in my back is capable of change? I think not, and while that hope is tentative at best right now, it is hope still.

I continue to watch over the temple and those in my care, and I continue to help where I can. I stepped out for a bit to get some fresh fruits and vegetables, some cheese and milk from the market for the day’s meals. I returned shortly thereafter only to find that someone had left a blood covered diamond on the alter. No one saw anyone come or go while I was away. I suppose it is most prudent that I have arranged for my errands to be run for me. This will give me leave to watch the temple much closer. It was with a heavy heart that I carefully cleaned the alter of all traces of blood. Carefully I retraced the holy runes over the alter and blessed it, cleansing it of any further taint. Guessing it nothing more than a normal gem I passed the bloody trinket on to Esen, once he has determined there is no lingering negativity about it, I shall sell it and use the profit for the church. Elrith… the poor dear… Wants to smash it incase it has someone’s memories in it. This business with her own mind locked in some stone somewhere has her most hopeful that the stone may yet cross her path. Her innocence is both a blessing and a curse. She experiences every aspect of her day and every sensation with the enthusiasm of a young child enjoying the wonders of the world for the first time. I hope that when her mind returns to her, she may maintain that appreciation she has found in the world around her.

As supper concluded, the temple full of those dear to me, we all sat enjoying tea. We conversed and I sat quietly. I was thankful that another day had passed relatively quietly, these days, even a mostly quiet day is a blessing. Once again my mind worked to produce some task that could occupy the empty hours while the others sleep. Inexplicably as I worked to undermine my own need for rest, the harder I thought of ways to fight sleep… the more tired I became. In a matter of moments I barely had the ability to hold up my head. I struck it off as my body protesting the many hours of work with the scant few hours of sleep I allowed myself as I rose, bidding the others goodnight. I could barely keep my eyes open as I groggily made my way through the temple. I unhooked my cloak and tossed it across the foot of the bed, kicking my boots off… I think sleep found me before I had lain my head on the pillow.

I remember dreaming… Visions of the last few weeks flitting through my mind, the pleasant, the unpleasant. Flashes of images and sounds… little more than a rapid push through my mind, images that left little more than sensation of light and feeling… Largely though there was emotion a great wash of it. A tumultuous raging sea of triumph, defeat, happiness, sadness, chaos and calm… And all at once something strange took hold. The waters of my mind went still and quiet, the color and sensation vanished if only for an instant… As though a great hand reached down and plucked me out and drew me into a comforting embrace.

All at once I stood in the middle of a glade surrounded by mist and the song of a peaceful night. I panicked as I realized that I was unable to move, and I was not alone. My fear of the figure in the fog was quickly replaced by concern as he seemed injured. I peered through the fog as he hobbled forward. On instinct borne of so many years as a healer the question bubbled up from me as I wondered if I had left the temple and not remembered… A dream perhaps? It felt so… strange… but comforting, peaceful… I felt truly safe for the first time that I could ever remember. Safe…

‘Sir are you alright?’

His voice held a warmth and a hint of amusement as he spoke.

‘Merielle my child… I was about to ask you that question.’

My eyes grew wide as the fog shifted around us slightly giving view of my elderly host. Elderly indeed, for what stood before me was the countenance of one of the oldest Gods in Faerun. Bent and battered, wholly unhindered by pain, hands bound by red cord, there stood Ilmater before me. He smiled on me then… All the warmth and peace held in those eyes was enough to draw tears to my own. For a long moment I could not speak.

‘Times have become hard for you my child, have they not?’

Still I could not speak… I could not look on his face, for what could I have done to be granted such an honor? I nodded slowly, still awestruck I stood as he spoke.

‘I have been watching over you with close eyes. Mercy guides your steps and it warms my heart…’

When finally words found my voice and my voice remembered how to leave me, they were quiet, barely above a choked whisper.

As he spoke of my burdens, and offered to ease them… to bear them, such grace I am unworthy of… I looked up in surprise as he spoke:

‘I endure as I should… I regret none of it.’

Even though I dared not look upon his face then, I felt his warm smile there, his eyes looking down over my bowed head.

‘It is why you are my Favored above all others.’

The words came forth with such finality, such declaration that it shook my core. In all my years, I have been called many things that I felt I did not deserve. Be them blessing or bane, insult or sign of respect… of all the things I felt most undeserving of in all my days, this… Here beneath the gaze of Ilmater himself… This is what I felt most undeserving of. My words came haltingly, thick with emotion and uncertain.

‘I … I deserve no such title…’

‘You give of yourself and ask nothing in return.’

He spoke of the tasks before me. Of dear Billy. How I must protect him no matter the cost. How I must not let him fall into the hands of Bhaal and his ilk. I sought his guidance then, unsure how to combat this foe I face in the name of Ilmater. He spoke of my faith and my allies, assuring me that this task before me, while difficult was not impossible.

‘This mark, it is not a finality. What is done can be undone. Keep your faith close to you my child.’

‘My faith is ever my strength.’

I bowed deeply, accepting this charge as I was bid. This task that was mine of my own choosing is now a command of my lord, and I will not fail him, no matter the cost.

‘You have always walked mercy’s path true and unwavering… for this I am grateful. Come closer and kneel my child.’

I looked to his outstretched arms in stunned silence. Feeling as though something had been struck deep within me and rang threw my entire being I trembled, so in awe was I that I could not help but ask, incredulously and my voice full of doubt.

‘You … are grateful to -me- my lord…?’

‘Of course Merielle. You are a beacon of my faith on Toril. I wish to offer you a gift, to help you in the days to come.’

Again he beckoned me closer. Somehow my wobbly legs found the strength to move, and that short span between where I stood and where my god stood beckoning seemed to span for miles. I stumbled forward knees buckling as I knelt before him and I murmured softly:

‘I am but your humble servant Ilmater…’

He placed a gentle hand on my shoulder, and in that instant… there was a blinding flash. I felt the whole of my being align in harmony as strength and comforting warmth washed over me. My soul wept in joy as the fears and troubles that shrouded my heart were lifted. My oaths and vows renewed, my spirit made whole in that thunderous moment… it was… beyond understanding, beyond the scope that words could encompass.

As my eyes struggled to see beyond the blinding light, he lifted my chin. I kneeled there feeling much like a small child in the company of a giant as I looked at him. His eyes steady and piercing, his smile so full of kindness and peace, it seemed unworthy of the simple term ‘smile’.

There was a seriousness in his tone as he bid me…

‘Use this gift with good intent my child.’

‘Always.’

I managed… and as words failed me yet again, he knew the oath of my heart and he smiled on me again.

‘I will be ever watching you my child. May Mercy guide your steps Merielle.’

‘Thank you…’

I am not sure if I actually spoke, if I did it was a breathy whisper… I watched as he turned and walked into the mist and faded from my view. I knelt there the song of the night finally reaching my ears again… the air was cool and damp as I drew breath into my lungs. As I rose to stand the scene around me dissolved slowly, fading into darkness. I had the sensation of falling a great distance, very quickly… and all at once I opened my eyes to stare at the ceiling of the temple over my bed. I wondered how my heart could contain such joy as I rose from the bed feeling completely rested and renewed.

I was surprised to see the mass of startled and worried faces around me then. Indeed all those dear to me seemed greatly concerned, though I hardly knew why.

In my excitement and joy I tried to find the words to explain to them the depth of my happiness, to find the words to describe what I had dreamt. I tried and failed to explain the scope of it to them, to Brother Marcus. Indeed I think they thought me daft… that I had finally gone off the edge of sanity and spiraled into some unknown prison of the mind.

In truth I was happier than I ever remembered being. I knew now what it meant to feel joy… not a fleeting bit of happiness stolen away when the first cloud passes the sun… To laugh, not just because polite conversation called for it, but because there are no words that could describe the mirth a heartfelt laugh could contain. As they whispered among themselves fearing some foul ulterior motive, I laughed. Once my sanity was no longer in question, and we finished breakfast… I decided to take a walk and reflect.

For now, duty does call to me, and my heart bids me answer. Today Mercy also wears a bright smile… let the sun shine, or the rain fall, Mercy will prevail, I will Endure. Such is the way of things, such is my task. I draw to me those dear and hold them safe. I know that while my heart is light now, the days ahead will be a trial of strength, both in body and will… There are still many dark clouds on the horizon… but I no longer fear the coming storm.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[SIXTY-FIRST ENTRY]

I sit her reflecting quietly on the information of the last few days settling into my mind. All the while plots and webs woven and intertwined in an endless succession of knots and intricate designs. Time indeed reveals all mysteries, but even looking back on past events through the light of present knowledge, I am still surprised by its interconnectivity. Friends turned enemies, deals with hells spawn, soul splitting, infernal bargains with undead, innocents who lose what is theirs to one who does not deserve it. A goddess’ scorn, a soul in limbo, and a hatred only the Drow could manifest and weave in such a way. Why am I not surprised that at the center of so much trouble, and perhaps the purpose behind the undead amassing to the north, there is a Drow… once favored by Shar?

Either way, I know more now than I did, though not really enough yet to come up with any useful plan. It seems there is a battle on two, possibly three fronts in this. On one side is Aloria, and on the other side is Elrith… I made a promise… I don’t know how I am going to keep it exactly… but one way or another I will see that my oath to help Aloria to Elrith is kept, whether Elrith can remember it or not. If it were not such a gamble I would say let this Glaive creature have at the Shadow Singer, and keep everyone well enough out of the way… let them destroy each other, or in the least one side… then take out whoever is standing… the evils are dealt with, it spares the largest number of innocents, but it is far too large of a gamble… For now it seems the whole region is ‘between a rock and a hard place’ and in need of treading carefully lest the whole precariously balanced thing caves in.

For now all any can do is gather facts… From what I can tell, no one has the completed puzzle before them… and getting so many each with a few pieces to work together is difficult at best. Hope… Hope and Faith… Patience, for time reveals all mysteries, and may yet present a solution that we cannot see because we do not see the whole picture. Even waiting is a dangerous gamble. Dangerous Gambles… a lot of that. Too much of it for my liking. So many risks. Mercy guide me, for I cannot afford a misstep.

Disturbing news of bodies of this plague disappearing has reached my ears, and I wonder what it means. Necromancy of some sort? Is this plague also tangled in so many other plots? This thing is largely a mystery, and there is so little known, and even less understood. My prayers are many, and in unison of many, yet again I find we wait… Time reveals all mysteries… but how many will fall before it is understood? Is there more that can be done in the meantime? How do you fight what is unseen and unknown? You stand knowing something lurks in the shadows… you hear it whisper and taunt, and yet you strike naught but air. Frustrating to say the least.

Much will test those in the region. I have my faith to grant me hope… my beliefs to grant me strength… but what of those who cannot endure… those who fall? I hear about how the sickness slowly drains them away… I pray they can find mercy and rest that they did not find in their final moments. Grant to them strength when they find they have none…

Still through it all, I find small blessings. The children’s smiles, Elrith’s joy as she experiences much for the first time, quiet conversations in the small hours of the morning, a good cup of tea. I have nearly finished the embroidery for Iliara… Her birthday is in a tenday shy of a month. I am glad to know I will be able to send her something nice. I also have some things for young Tristan, who I understand is now moving under his own steam. Brother Dracius and Iliara’s last letter was full of marvels and musings as the boy crawls around and wonders at the world around him. It tugs at my heart in a way I had not expected. Perhaps it is that I am advancing in my years. I know the Sisters of St Jasper had told me after all my trials I would never bear children… But I cannot help but long for such things… Someday… when there is peace, or at least enough calm I can keep a family safe.

Bah! My musings! Blast my torturous heart… There is hardly time for such thoughts Meri dear! But it’s a dream I cannot let fall to the wayside, and maybe I won’t have to… But for now, there is far too much to do. Even if I cannot bear children, there are two that I have been granted. There would be no twice-asking if I was given the chance to have a home, I would take Billy and Dianne with me. Billy is in his seventh year and Dianne in her ninth. My daydreams of little cottages and gardens seem incomplete with out them. They are so very dear… let me keep them safe, let me keep them close, and by all the mercies I would dare not ask for any other.

Also it seems in all of this, I have garnered a new acquaintance that I may yet be able to call friend. Miss Shartess, who as I understand is a good friend of Elrith’s. She is pleasant to chat with in the least. She carries herself with all the grace and confidence of a noblewoman. There is an unbridled curiosity that her practiced smile cannot hide. Indeed as we talked of my faith and beliefs, she sought to learn, to understand, it was as if her need for information was as important as breath itself. Since she had taken the time to indulge my questions on Elrith and so many other matters at hand, I had no qualms about granting her a widow into my thoughts.

I could tell there were more questions which she will ask no doubt, but while it was I who was answering the questions… she was not the only one learning. Indeed in putting my thoughts to words, my beliefs into clearer form, and looking at my self in all truth and honesty… I learned more of myself. Of course it is not anything I have not always known, but it has been made clearer. ‘Sometimes it is wise to seek one’s own counsel, to know one’s own mind and heart, so that actions make sense.’ I feel that is what came of our conversation, more so than the exchange of information. I look forward to conversing more with her in the future. I sense in her at least the practical choice of an ally, and would like to think that a friendship can be fostered.

For now I endure as I must, and act as my heart dictates. My faith is my strength, and I find it stronger now than ever it has been. That which we endure teaches us our own strength and forces us to shore up our weaknesses. In all trials I face, Ilmater I ask your guidance… I seek your wisdom, and want only to do as mercy would have me, let my steps fall true. May I never step without your hand at my back. Let me not waver… Let Mercy prevail.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[SIXTY-SECOND ENTRY]

I will endure. I shall not waver. There is Ever hope. While I know I can stand through this, never have I found my convictions so tested. Ilmater be with me now, for without such I fear I could not stand. I keep my friends close now. I, the one used to comforting used to caring, find my self in need of that which I so freely give without thought. Unused to it as I am, even I know better than to turn away from my own counsels when they return to me.

Perhaps my heart was lifted so that I may face this now…

Sleep has become a double edged sword whose blade is sharper than normal. I will admit, I avoid sleep most nights, stealing only a couple hours for myself at any one time. Of late, I have found that it has caught up with me, leaving my body wracked with weakness and I can do naught to right it but sleep. And still I dread it… That dark space of my mind where even I, must struggle to find light. My dreams have grown darker than I thought possible.

I wake drenched in sweat and gripped by fears I cannot explain, barely remembering that which haunted my sleep. I rested fretfully most of the day passed, and through the night. Though I might have wished to wake sooner, my body would scarce allow it. Miss Shartess kept vigil through the night. I remember her there as I fell asleep, and she sat near by when I opened my eyes when sleep finally let go of me.

I woke feeling less ill because of lack of sleep, and then my emotions caught me. It comes in torrents of worry for Billy to Anger. Anger at the Bhaalists, anger with my own inadequacy, to fear. Fear that every second works against me. Fraught with anguish my heart offers an endless stream of prayer for Billy to be safely home here.

I am hardly a stranger to pains and heart breaks. One learns to deal with them after much practice. This ache that keeps me company now is very much different than anything I have ever experienced. My heart aches. This boy, barely seven seasons old, that has been in my care for so many months now, has become so dear to my heart. Many I have passed in my search for him have expressed sympathies at the ‘loss of my son.’ The boy’s words come to mind and I can only weep in desperate prayer.

‘I would like to think that this is what it feels like to have a mother…’

My feet hurt as I have walked up and down the roads in and out of the gates handing out sketches of Billy. I have not been back to the temple since I left it this morning. My hands are stiff and cramped from writing so quickly and working on such studious sketches. After so many though… it has hardly become a conscious effort.

As one piece of parchment passes from my hands to those of another, I ready another. Esen has sent Seijin Southward, though I hope the creature has sense enough to use caution… he seems a wise creature, but I cannot help but worry. Perhaps it is some sort of motherly instinct that pulls at me now? I do love Dianne and Billy with more of my heart and spirit than I have allowed. Unwise perhaps given that these are such dangerous circumstances. Even knowing I should not let my emotions over rule my logic and sense, I cannot sway my heart.

The words of his letter haunt me. I could -never- be angry with him. Never would I turn him away. Even now my anger is directed solely at the Bhaalists, for I know in my heart had it not been for their treacherous whisperings… Words of vipers and shadows… meant to draw him from the light to the darkness. Ilmater forgive me.

I cannot say I could stand so impartial, and offer mercy to snakes such as these. Pray do not ask it of me, for in my heart I know I want nothing more than to tear down the Bhaal temple, brick for brick and offer swift death to any who would utter the name of the Lord of Murder. I know the wrongness of these thoughts, and I pray for the strength to endure, to maintain, to walk mercy’s path unwavering. I will not strike first. I have given my oath.

Oaths… I knelt at the feet of my God and swore no matter the cost, to protect him. How can I have let him slip away quietly in the night? Forgive me. I maintain hope that I have not failed yet… there is still hope. Never have I had to peer into the darkness so closely to find that glimmer, that candle’s flicker in the shadow.

Tell him in my stead Ilmater… tell him I could never be angry with him. I only wish him home. I wish him safe… I will walk all the lands… risk death itself, walk in undeath, risk damnation, just to draw him back… safe. I will not fail my oath… I care not the cost to myself. I -will- get him back! Mercy -will- Prevail. And until then, I will not rest, I cannot know peace. They will not have him. Dare I put my thought to words? He is -mine- I love him as my own… He is Mercy’s child and I will not let him go. My dear precious child… Let you return safely, to your family… to us… to me dear sweet child. Mercy keep you safe in my stead, forgive my failure to you darling… I will not fail you again… I will not waver. Some how… I will Endure, and set right the wrongs. Such is the nature of things, such is my nature.

Bhaal?! Do you hear me?! You drew a line in the sand and dared me cross! I will not back down! You will not have him! The Ilmatari will not surrender to your veiled threats and cowardly acts! I stand before you and all you have, and I will not stop until your taint is no longer of this region. I am no fool. I do not act alone. I act in my faith, -ever- my strength. I carry Mercy’s torch. My dear friends at my side, my allies many… My God’s allies many. You knew not the stubbornness in your foe when you chose this battle. You think to frighten me away? To wear me Down? I have seen the depth and breadth of all that is suffering. I will Endure! Mercy will Prevail! You think to tear down my convictions, and strip away my hopes, and all you have done is strengthened my resolves.

I could fill the pages with pleading prayers to Ilmater and threats to Bhaal… Musings of my heart, but my meal is finished. I have much to do.

Mercy guide me true, grant me your strength that I may do as I am bid by my lord. Mercy guide those dear to me, for my battle has become theirs. Keep them safe, grant them your strength. This that we face, my dear friends and I... will be trying. Let Mercy be their beacon, let hope be their light. May we stand that we do not fail.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[SIXTY-THIRD ENTRY]

Time does not matter, save that it works against us. Still today my hope is renewed, and I stand looking out over the ocean near Candlekeep. He was here! Not more than the span of a day’s cycle, there he sat at that little camp south of the gates… The Candlekeep Guard could have looked down and seen him there as his tiny hand held a stick to the dirt and drew the symbol of Ilmater, munching on bread taken from the kitchen as we slept.

I had returned to the temple to get some food, though I scarce felt like eating… my stomach rarely settles long enough to agree to food any more. Still I know I cannot be without at least one meal a day. As I came through the door, Sister Addy handed me a ready pot of tea… I had gone and changed, my sore feet protesting as I put my boots back on. I turned, the bed almost inviting. A false sense of security no doubt, for surely as I lay there to rest, I would find naught but shadow and nightmare-scapes. Sighing I gathered a pile of blank parchment from my desk, taking a full vial of ink, gathering a few supplies. I had not sat there long. The weight in my heart slowing my hand. I drew that face so often now it was as easy as breathing. No longer did tears burn my eyes as I worked… indeed I hadn’t tears enough to weep as my heart did. I worry over him so. I am reminded of all those misfortunate stories I hear of children left to fend for themselves… Albeit not all of them end badly.

Perhaps the most troubling thing that haunts my heart is the sight of so many young children in the cells of the Athkatla Slavers warehouse… some so young they could hardly speak. To know what this world is capable of doing to ones so young and so small, to know that Billy’s innocence further is threatened by the mark on his soul… Just knowing that I cannot keep him safe from fates beyond his control because I cannot watch over him! It drives me near madness. I do not carry this alone… to know so many eyes and ears seek his well being… It offers me so much comfort, and I know not how to express my deepest thanks to those so willing, for whatever reason, to help.

In came a hin… the odd one with the boorish mannerisms. Still I know not his name… That one unnerves me, but I am not so foolish as to refuse help where it is offered. Came in and indeed he had seen Billy. Of course I could not reach the spot quick enough. My heart raced with a pace that made my feet envious. I don’t know what I expected… I am no tracker… I could not have possibly been able to discover his direction or speed… but to know he stood there… Even that was more hope than I had before. The meager flicker of hope in my heart was in dire need of something, anything to keep it from dying. We made our way south. I could not help but grow anxious as we neared the Bhaal temple. I paused to catch my breath and my nerves must have been far more evident than I realized, for I found Emrys’ hand on my shoulder.

‘Don’t worry about that place now Merielle.’

I wanted to scream: THAT place! That place is the cause of this mess… Instead I found my feet moving southward. As the shadow of that awful place fell over my steps, my pace quickened and my prayers came forth in quick succession. As we came onto the Lion’s Way, nearly to Candlekeep, there were two Fist Mercenaries and a wagon. The Wagoner had been badly beaten to death, the contents of his wagon in the hands of Gods knew who. I tried to draw him from death, perhaps to let him shed some light on his attackers, but his soul desired rest. I blessed the body that necromancy and other foul evils could not touch it. I wished there was more I could do, but even in my desire to help, my thoughts centered on Billy… Bandits? And what other dangers lurked on these roads?

He was out there somewhere, in the dark, alone. There was little else I could do save waste precious time. I worried constantly that my presence out in the open was a danger to many… but thus far my travels have been safe. I did not wish to tempt the Gods though. I desired to make my destination as quickly as I could. I offered blessings to the Fist-men for indeed their job was hardly a safe one. Two against whatever lurked in the darkness was hardly good odds… Nor was one… one seven year old child… Onward toward Candlekeep as fast as I dared run without injury.

The camp site was empty… it showed signs of use. I looked around for what I did not know, but my eyes searched for some sign that he had been this way, that it was not some weapon of ill intent, for I could not say there was truly good intent behind the messenger… Truly I feared a trap, and was surprised at the lack of danger… of any kind. My eyes danced over footsteps and various tracks in the dirt around the fire… Bread crumbs. All this way with so many prayers for naught but bread crumbs? Then my eyes fell upon something that was not foot prints or other mundane signs of those who travel the lands. There, in the dirt, drawn by an all too familiar hand, was the symbol of Ilmater.

I know not how long I stood there, or how I even remained standing. In that moment I felt that flicker of hope burn brightly and catch… threatening to consume me. I felt in that same moment a flood of emotions too numerous to name. He had been there! Right there! So close, and yet so out of reach… He had stayed hidden from so many eyes… and yet there he sat drawing idly in the dirt as he rested. I wonder what thoughts were with him. My heart warms to know that Ilmater was in his heart. He was protected thus far. He had made it past the Bhaal temple and hopefully escaped their notice altogether.

There was so much hope there in that child’s drawing… That was enough to carry me forth to the gates of Candlekeep intent on visiting Abby and trying to rest. I made it to the inn, realizing that I was actually a little hungry. Indeed I hadn’t eaten before I left the temple… I had left a full pot of tea and a nearly untouched cup. I ate, and as I did I penned a message to the temple in Baldur’s Gate, to ease the worry and hearts of those so dear to me, and to help direct their searching eyes. I tried to rest, and could not… I found myself walking after I handed the message off to a messenger bound to Baldur’s Gate with a handful of coins… Here I sit, the sea singing a gentle song… and in my heart more hope than I have felt since I saw Billy’s note there on the bed.

There is ever hope. We will find him, and we will keep him safe. We will face these storms together, those dear to me, Billy, Dianne, the Ilmatari, Ilmater himself, we will stand, we will endure, we will not waver. Mercy will prevail. Mercy -will- prevail. Tonight I think I can rest a little, my convictions strengthened. In the morning I will make my way toward Beregost and points as far south as I dare travel.
~~