Baldur's Gate : The Sword Coast Chronicles : NWN2 Persistent World

In a way the last battle in the Fields of the Dead, when we chased after Haram, reminded me of something from the past. The discussion was not needed; we just split into two groups without bickering, planning. It was... fluid. For once there was no struggle for glory and arguing who's plan should we follow. Greil and his men took the point, creating a diversion which made it possible for me, Vincent and some others to run after the Angel. I saw the wings first. Always, the damn wings. It was the same with Brann. I still remember that the narrow passage was filled with his wings. This time, we didn't have the upper hand of having Haram trapped underground, but he was wounded. I saw the drag of the wings, the slightly hunched stance and I knew our time was running short. That opening, where we could take him down was closing so without further delay I attacked. Others joined shortly, circling the monstrosity. Vincent bathed it in the streams of magic while I directed every slash of my blade down and across Haram's body. I saw another mage, whose name I can't recall, casting few fireballs one after another a hurricane of fire, other melee fighters flanking, arrows showering down and bouncing off my shield. Screams and my own heart's pounding filled my ears. After what felt like an eternity, monster's strength withered and after Vincent managed to slow him down, while Vendor, I think, wounded beast's side I brought the final blow, drowning the monster in the purity of greater ruin. And it was done. The last of the Angels of Decay was slain. The fighting, however, continued in the Fields of the Dead. I sent a quick sending to Merc's Captain, and while the mages were burning what was left of Haram, I jogged back to the fields to look for Kory. I found him battered and wounded but it wasn't as bad as it looked and after proper healing the man was back on his feet, bringing destruction upon the undead army swarming about. Hours passed and finally it was over. I stood among the carnage and smoke, surrounded by battered warriors, mages, archers, mercs and others factions' members. The eerie silence was interrupted only by heavy breathing of those that took part in the last battle. I could not believe it was over. Exhaustion was there, present and nagging but after you fight day after day it is hard to just lay down the arms and go back to what? I didn't want to think about that, I knew what lurked behind the corner and I wasn't yet ready to face it. All I wanted was to take Greil on that offer to have drinks at the dump he liked so much, but I knew that if I went, I wouldn't be able to stop drinking. And gods know what could happen then, so I went with Elyssa, we circled the city to make sure there were no undead left scattered in the area. We carried the news. I had an odd feeling being watched or trailed after and I had pretty good idea who could that be. I suppose spreading all this nonsense around wasn't enough. Elyssa and I arrived at FAI later on and we decided to clean our gear and change into a clean set of clothes after a battle. I scraped the surface of things one more. I felt the pull, part of me wanted to tell her but I resisted that fickle, treacherous temptation to share. My mind went to the silence in my head. It bothered me still. I could no longer feel Koraxxes' presence.


To keep myself occupied I dived into the planning of the Winter Festival almost immediately after the siege and war were over. Search for Rei took me to the Temple of Ilmater. A place I haven't visited in a very long time. To my surprise, Ivan was there, and his arrival gathered others inside as well. Some aspect of me wanted desperately to believe that things could go to the way life was 10 months ago. But the moment Telia asked to talk to me I knew that it would never be like it was. I suspected she wanted to talk about Terri's accusations. As usual, I'd indulge her, answer truthfully to all her questions and insinuations. Even tho, clearly, she had no right to ask, nor was it her business really. But Terri, with her yapping, was making it everyone's business anyways. I don't have anything to hide, if I did, I wouldn't have spoken in front of the War Council about it in the first place but somehow she managed to make it look like it was that big, dark secret of mine. I talked to Telia, admitting what was there to admit. My mind skipped steps, I wanted to block off pain, guilt, rage, and shame. I wanted to drown it all in the bottle of whiskey. Telia said I should talk to Ameris. And I obeyed, telling her I would do so once the opportunity showed itself. It did, the next day, after my talk with Rei. I told her the whole story and she basically dragged me to Temple so I could speak to Ameris. I didn't want that. I knew that the moment I do it, everything would start crumbling down. It was just the matter of time. With Ameris' words came the realization I've been avoiding for months now. I let the words go, not all of them, but enough still. The second day in the row I was forced to face it all and I did. After that lengthy, revealing discussion I felt exhausted, empty and angry but there was one more meeting left, this time, business. After my departure from the Temple, I visited the Last Anchor. Captain Asher gave me a tour. Such well-furnished place. And the whiskey wasn't half bad either.

I prefer solid ground but the time came for HoV to assist Cranston with his mission and that meant working with the Dragon Wing crew. Took me a while to convince Vincent to join but in the end, I dragged him along. We met with them and soon after departed to give chase after some slavers pointed out by Cranston. He got to settle his business, and if it wasn't for the fact I was tied up to a mast, I would have wiped that smirk off Dunn's face with a gauntlet on.

My talks with Captain Asher about her road to redemption take a different turn every time we speak. It's entertaining in a way; she has a rather complicated past full of different stories. This time, she talked about men she's been with. About one of them in particular. Dunn's past doesn't really surprise me given that Des was never the one to fall for Mr. Right. But there are times it takes all the composure and self-control I have to keep listening to her. I don't believe she knows how much pain it causes me when she talks about him. I wish she didn't bring him up.

Search for Rei and Ameris brought me to Temple. How I came to dread this place... It used to be something almost like a home. We, me and Rei, started here. I still remember. Temple was busy as usual. They are occupied with all that is happening. Burials, some rats, rat spread disease and displaced street kids. The post-war dust hasn't yet settled; it will take time. I was about to leave when the person I least suspected to ever entered this building came in. Even Mercs seems to be looking for a way to get involved in all this. Figures, a way to mark territory like any other. He teased me, leaving the question for me to answer. If things were different I could have told him why, but I didn't. I won't make the same mistake again.

I rarely leave the compound now, busy with the preparations for the Festival. I had hoped the Holy Orders would get involved, but they have been ignoring me so far, despite all the missives that went out. I spoke with Isabella and Elyssa about this project, and they gave me an idea. I suggested to them that I could involve Alexandra in it as they were growing worried about the acolyte's detachment. Gatewarden offered that she could set up a fortune-telling stand at the festival if need be. And so, a few days later I approached Alexandra and laid my proposal in front of her. Surprisingly she said yes and from now on she will handle part of the correspondence with the factions. That brings me some relief and takes a solid load off work from my plate making room for another matter that I need to handle.

I attended the first Everwatch meeting this year. The woman I heard so much about, Wai Li, was hosting it. She was voted an acting head watchknight in Sveta's absence. She awarded us some medals and promoted Rei to Captain, leaving her in charge of all operations north. She also wanted to promote me to Guardian, but I kindly refused. I don't think it would be proper without Sveta signing off on it as well. We talked about Everwatch plans for this year and some of the initiatives we could work on. I met one of the members I haven't had a chance to get acquainted with before, Watchknight Goldwind. He told me about Terri's plan to get Arkaine to hunt me down. I suppose things are not going to dissipate on their own. Overall the meeting was quite productive; we know in which direction we should move.


I was supposed to meet Alexandra at the Keep so we could go scout for a location where the Festival could take place. When I arrived at the gate, I found Isabella talking with Xavier and Selengil. Apparently Zhentarim wanted to reach some kind of agreement with Laitae. Like that would ever happen. Shortly after I took Alexandra towards the beach near the lighthouse. She did, however, convince me that this is not the best spot given the insects infestation and sheer distance from the city. I pushed her a little too far, making the same mistake I did with Bath. Old habits die hard, I suppose.

Atashka approached me; she wanted to talk about Praethis and the conflict or a misunderstanding as she put it; she had with Alexandra. I already knew parts of what she told me, and other aspects fell into place in connection to what Xavier had already told me a few days before. The tiefling is not going to live much longer, pissing off so many people. I won't get involved in the whole mess he and Araxina are causing as long as they don't end up on a crash course with what I'm doing. They could, however, stop littering the tradeway with paladin body parts, it is really tasteless and gets on people's bad side.

I finally managed to make the meeting with one of the monks happen. I talked with Mathiu for a longer while before the leader of the Order of Four Ways arrived. Bran appeared to be a reasonable sort which gives me some hope, as long as his faction survives the initial period they could become allies we actually need. The optimism I felt after the meeting didn't last long. I had another meeting on the agenda in the coming days, this time with the Theater crowd and my skin crawled at the thought. For some reason, I feel like I'm intruding into their territory with the Festival project. I better prepare myself mentally for this.

I sometimes wish I could retreat to whatever world Vincent lets himself escape. I thought that he would get better by now, but I guess that is a lost cause. I shouldn't be surprised, the loss he must have felt was probably much greater. Maybe that is the reason I try to keep him included, so I drag him to that meeting at the theater just to force him outside of his head. I listen to the Performers' suggestions, taking them in, adjusting the plan in my head at the same time. I suspect that Kory will laugh once he sees the changes it brings. But at this point, with only three tendays left, we are past a point where we could argue. In the end, we have gathered support only from Dragon Wing, the Performers, Ilmateri and if I count Mercs and Isabella that makes it barely five factions of all of those that exist. That is not what I hoped for, but I guess it will have to do.

Temporary Head Watchknight conducted the first training session for the whole Everwatch today. It was an odd experience altho I didn't really enjoy taking on a command position. There is more of that to come; she plans to organize a training school for whoever wishes to come and take part with external lecturers as well. This is going to cause me a severe headache. Neither of my previous mentors seemed keen on teaching me what all these commands mean, so it's all the same for me. It appears that Terri went as far as reporting to Wai. Temporary Head Watchknight suggested that it would be reasonable to put me in front of a Tribunal on Trial for alleged crimes and moral wrongs. If this must be done, so be it.

*Tiny scribbles covering margins and bottoms of most of the pages. All written in tiny, tight-knit and shaky script. Some are crossed many times over other are covered in blotches of ink. Only some of them are legible.*

I was scouting some more, for an acceptable location that could fit the needs of the Festival. Hinzel trailed along. I still don't know why he does that. In a way, it gives me the creeps, especially when I think of rumors that surround that tiefling. I don't like to assume there is a dagger wielding shadow at my back, but nothing can be done about it. In hindsight, I wished he hadn't been trailing me that day. I could have avoided what came next.
I heard someone approaching, and when I turned, I saw Xavier. I half suspected another mocking discussion to take place, some muscle flexing and territory marking but to my surprise he did neither. The request was for me to come to Darkhold to discuss some matters. I already had a feeling what these issues would be. He wasn't in the mood for being trailed by Hinzel and the threat was set out in the open. If I have learned anything from all the previous encounters he wasn't bluffing and I wasn't one to try my luck and risk someone else's life. If I knew that I'm going to be judged harshly for that, I'd have kept my mouth shut, but I didn't. I knew that Hinzel was too stubborn not to trail after us so I just hoped he wouldn't be reckless. I haven't been here since... Since last time, in a different life.
As impressive as the castle is outside it isn't the same inside. It's rather sparse. We sat in some kind of dining room and talked business. As usual, he seemed both annoyed and displeased with my answers, no surprise there. If he thought I'd be stupid enough as to take him on his offer regarding Praethis, he apparently hasn't paid much attention. I wasn't about to get my men involved in this stupid chase not to mention end up in bed with Zhentarim again. I toyed with the idea because it had merit and it made sense on some level, but the risk was too high and right now I had to be careful. Telia's sending reached me and her reaction to my reply was as predicted. Selengil joined at some point while the discussion shifted to my trial. Where Xavier was growing gradually more irritated with my stand in the matter, Selengil wasn't on the opposite side. Whether it was just a facade or not he had a point with his insights. When I emerged from the keep's belly Hinzel was still outside. I was about to walk from one tricky situation into another, a less pleasant one. Even when I answered truthfully to Telia's questions it still somewhat set her off. Her ugly, harsh accusation slapped me hard. I wonder how she does that, how can she cope when she lets the emotions loose. I asked her if that is the only acceptable way, for me to allow her to see what I feel. She acts as if there was only one way a person should behave. I keep my emotions on a leash while she allows hers to rule her. That doesn't make me a monster, but she still called me one. When she was done with me, I left. A bottle of whiskey later I was finally free of her voice in my head.

Cara is back. I know she won't stay long, I know that she will be gone way too soon, but right now I'm glad. I talked to her about the trial, about Xavier's offer, about Telia, and about other things. Her keen, logical mind cuts through the matters with precision. How I wished she could stay. Especially when the other side of the scale is everything that I should keep away from. Is it wrong I let myself consider the offer casually thrown in the mix over the whiskey? I know he is more than capable of it. Is it wrong that I allow myself to smile when he says it? This would solve my problems. This would make everything easier. But then, there is that annoying wedge I keep picking on. It secures me in place for a reason. Finish what you started, I say to myself. Time will come.

I watched Ameris lose his composure. I believe that it the first time I've ever witnessed it, and I was the cause. I wonder what gives them the right to judge me, again and again. We argued in the middle of the street, and something in my head was changing with every word of accusation. The only mistake I made was not the one he wanted me to admit to. He showed me his true colors at that moment. I apologized, because what else was there. It was what he wanted to hear. I caught a glimpse of Alexandra, and it reminded me that we were supposed to scout another location today. This time, we talked less than before, neither had I strength nor was my mind able to handle a more suitable conversation. I think I know which location I'm about to chose for the second day of festivities.

I didn't know it then. But that meeting was the last. It took one look at Cara for me to know I have her blessing, so I smashed Talisen's head into the table before he could jump into the shadows, the spell came next, and then I let him go. I wanted to throw him into the cage for few days, but there was no time for pettiness. We talked about the matters they missed and the upcoming festival. When we were done with planning, I finally told them about the trial and that I can no longer lead them, that I need Kory to take over. I felt the exhaustion of the past few months weighing down on me at that moment. I carried the torch as long as I could now it was time for someone else to take over. Have I not failed, perhaps I wouldn't have to do this, but the wheels were already in motion.

Every time we talk over the whiskey, I can't shake the echo feeling it gives me. I like the stories of the progress they make, tho. Even Merc Captain's smugness bothers me less then because I know he earned the right to brag about this. I'm looking forward to watching them grow.

I have attended the first edition of Everwatch Training School and as I do applaud the idea, I felt rather displaced there. I have never had a military training so all these formation commands do only one thing to me. Cause confusion. The initial disturbance brought about by Dreadlord Harkonis' presence was soon forgotten amidst all the exercises. I hope that this endeavor can continue and another edition happens soon enough. This time, preferably, with a lecture about formations first...

The topic of Atashka and Praethis resurfaced again during my visit at Candlekeep. I wish Alexandra was more inclined to share her thoughts on the matter. That sharp mind of hers most likely made some connections that could shed more light on the whole thing. After that topic was talked over we moved to the one regarding the Festival's final preparations, the lack of response from the Orders. Their observations align with my own. We also talked about my Trial and the fall. Isabella's words gave me a pause. For the very first time, I wasn't judged but she actually offered me a way of looking at it all differently. She handed me a different perception of the same matter everyone has been covering with a thick layer of condescension. There is a small glint of hope in her words.

The first day of Winter Festival wasn't free of incidents. Celestia tried to disturb the end of the bardic contest and steel was drawn but Aeili escorted her out. Ironically Khazark won the first prize, Nea was second and Eva third. The play that Aeili and Telia prepared was quite popular and amusing. The donations, fortunately, were hefty enough to bring some measure of satisfaction. The second day, the only one conducted outside of the city brought some numbers of visitors. On the other hand, the duels proved not popular which in a way was a disappointment. People are so quick to attack each other for many different reasons but very few took their grievances to the arena. The auction was a much bigger success even if I had to return some of the money that Thayans donated due to Ameris' issues with it. The Ebon Blade were a total no-show for whatever reason, odd and disappointing but who was I kidding in trusting that they can show up if their Captain wasn't there to keep them on a leash. The same was for DragonWing booth, none of them made an appearance. The only one that actually stuck to her word was Isabella with her fortune-telling stand. The last day, under the Midwinter Celebration banner, wasn't without disturbances as well but they were minor and dealt with quickly. I managed to dodge Elyssa's attempt to get me to dance.

Overall we have gathered almost 350 bags for the Orphanage and the poor and 150bags for the Soup Kitchen on top of 60 bags I have donated to the ilmateri before the Festival started. I waited for the package from Waterdeep to arrive before I decided to go to the Temple to deliver the coin. Ameris was busy talking with a man. They asked me to stay and the priest introduced me to his companion, a jergalite by the name Vladimir. The discussion soon took a turn for worse, at least where the choice of topic was concerned. They wanted to speak about my incoming Trial and so we did. I asked Brother Ameris to come but I am unsure if he will. Vladimir insights were somewhat different than others have been showering me with, closer to what Isabella had told me. I welcomed his perspective and opinion on the matter, not only because he reminded me of Cara but also due to that subtle yet apparent difference. With very few days left before the trial and the number of allies shrinking with each I was in no position to discard his words. By then I already knew what my next steps would be and I had to prepare for it. All these decisions were slowly crystallizing in my head and I have already made steps towards some of them. In four days the status of many things will change and then it will keep changing till a certain point. I am still unsure about the actual shape and spectrum of what is to come but I can feel it. It is almost as profound as the silence that keeps growing.

I returned the rest of the donations from the Enclave to Kahanak. He wasn't happy about it and didn't pass on a chance to make me aware of this. After that unpleasant exchange, I found Mercs inside FAI. There was no real explanation for them blowing us off during their assignment at the Festival and for a moment I was considering the outcomes if I was to nudge this towards an actual confrontation. If it weren't for his men around I would have probably pushed him some more. I guess I wanted something to happen - confrontation or whatever else really - because waiting for the Trial was pushing my own limits. I resisted the urge. This itch would have to wait. I watched the Ebon Blade banter for some time before I could no longer stand still. Taking the returned coin, I left for the compound. I needed to start packing. I wanted to be done with it before the Fundraiser Gala in two days.

Packing helped to keep my focus on some issues I needed to sort out before the Trial. I transferred leadership to Kory and left the faction officially a day before the tribunal. There were still some items I needed to pack, but I had to attend the Gala first. I watched them all interact, participate in the auction and dance. I was also successful at deflecting Elyssa's second attempt to get me to dance. I wasn't, however, as lucky with avoiding Ameris. He accompanied me later to the Compound and helped to move the last part of my belongings to the empty residence. We talked about my time with HoV and the way things turned out. I told him the reasons for me leaving Hunters and my plans about dropping from the Everwatch as well. I no longer have a place among either of these factions, but I knew I had to let all the matters settle before I can make any final decision. I suppose, part of me hoped that perhaps with time something would change. Ameris suggested I should get involved with the Temple and the Orphanage, but I declined. I didn't want to do anything that would put me at a risk of bumping into his wife. He tried to explain her behavior but it was up to no good, I knew she had her reasons and fears, and I wasn't interested in trying to accommodate that. I was done always being the one trying. After Ameris and Reine had left, I opened a bottle of whiskey and finished packing everything into the crates. I wanted to leave the residence clean and tidy in case Sveta came back. I was half considering sending to her, telling her about the Trial but I didn't, she left for a reason. It wasn't my place to disturb her.

The day of the Trial finally came, with my eyes focused up front I listened to the voices slowly filling the training room that was acting as a courtroom today. I clasped my hands behind my back remaining perfect form, perfect composure, perfect silence. And I kept it throughout the whole thing in an intact condition. My awareness of who was and wasn't present kept me somewhat distanced but also calm. I listened to Terri's version of the story, offered mine while she tried to interrupt me times and again. I knew part of the Trial was just a formality as I have already admitted to lying but there was that one principle that I needed to stand by. Khazark dropped his little bomb at a point, as did Luke. I stood by the fact that I wasn't dishonorable, but it didn't make a dent. I was found guilty of dishonesty and dishonor and sentenced to three-month moral training. Wai wanted me to apologize to Terri, but I didn't. I would not lie under pressure again. I watched the crowd slowly dissipate and after few words exchanged with Hinzel I was on my way to the residence. There were few things I needed to pick up before I move to Nashkel to serve my sentence. The sending exchange with Dreadlord made me shake my head. Ironically I had to agree with him. Not that it would change anything but I at least I knew I wasn't the only one pointing out the obvious.

The beginning of the three months has been quiet. I tend to my duties at the Temple without a word of protest. I keep to myself, sorting through books the same way I sort through my thoughts. Seclusion proved to be easier than I thought. I'm not even surprised by that, in a way it makes things easier. Cleaning duty, patrols, reading. Little less, little more. I find words to put in these letters. Not having anything else to take care of, not being so wrapped up in everything gives me the opportunity to reach out to my siblings. I haven't been there, for them, in the capacity, I used to, and this is the least I can do now. Maybe this is what I should commit to once this sentence is over. All my other endeavors proved to be more than just merely unsuccessful, and perhaps it is time to face the possibility I can't be more than I am. Even the most delusional of us must one day face the truth.

There is something soothing in a simple, boring even, routine marking every single day of my stay within the Helmite temple. My seclusion continues as I surround myself with duties which partially remind about the past. I have a lot of time to think, study, train and so forth despite quite a packed patrol schedule. In addition to those, I had few moral training sessions with Wai. She took me to the mountains and we trek high, discussing a wide range of topics. Her unwavering optimism is some I have never seen before and the love, I shake my head, this woman's notion about love towards every living being is rather unreal. I used to be fixated on the better side of things in the face of darkness surrounding others but even I wasn't as convinced that the hope exists in every crevice as she seems to be. She urges me to focus on a bigger picture, much bigger truth be told, where all those little things matter no longer. Where we are small and insignificant in comparison to the forces holding more importance and meaning. I looked over the snow covered ranges trying to capture the sense of her words. My gaze drifted to Hinzel sitting by the small camp we made. He was attached by the rope to me during the trek. I was supposed to keep him safe as a part of my training. I guess, I did. He was the only one that came by the Temple so far.

Tenday later another mountain excursion took place, this time with Wai, Klait, Reine and Elyssa. Yet again we climbed high with a goal to scout the vicinity and the insides of the cave where the white wyrm had its lair. We proceeded with caution after Wai's departure, making sure we clear every tunnel before moving further. Elyssa said something to me that day that took me back to the past. I considered her words and realized the irony setting it. She was right, her words so close to my own when I still was little more than a foolish child. Perhaps I have turned into him more that I have realized at first. I dismiss her notions of trying to be less stern and more cheerful which only proves the point. Not for the first time, nor the second I am left with an amusing thought that despite what they used to say I ended up turning into who I am now without any help from him. Something was telling me that at a point things will come full circle, one way or another.

I was quite surprised when the letter from Alexandra came. I read it and let it rest few days before I formulated my answer. Her words got me thinking. I disagreed with how she perceived the situation but not just because my point of view was that much different but also because the current standing of things was very, very clear. I sent my reply some days later. Her reply never came. After a tenday, I decided not to dwell on it any longer focusing on the letter exchange with my family and the words I wanted to dot down in the letter to Sveta. The countless drafts I have already gone through were piling up steadily, matching only the pile of parchments shared between me and Kat. She showers me with words, they come so easy to her, practically spilling over the edges of every parchment she touches. I collected all as they contain not only her thoughts but also pieces of the creations she lets loose. Sketches, poems, quotes she digs from between pages of the books she manages to find. Sometimes days pass by where some part of my attention clings to what she said.

1. Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
   Weep, and you weep alone;
   For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
   But has trouble enough of its own.
   Sing, and the hills will answer;
   Sigh, it is lost on the air;
   The echoes bound to a joyful sound,
   But shrink from voicing care.
   
   Rejoice, and men will seek you;
   Grieve, and they turn and go;
   They want full measure of all your pleasure,
   But they do not need your woe.
   Be glad, and your friends are many;
   Be sad, and you lose them all,
   There are none to decline your nectared wine,
   But alone you must drink life's gall.
   
   Feast, and your halls are crowded;
   Fast, and the world goes by.
   Succeed and give, and it helps you live,
   But no man can help you die.
   There is room in the halls of pleasure
   For a large and lordly wagon,
   But one by one we must all file on
   Through the narrow aisles of pain.

(((OOC: Poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox.

Even with my duties dedicated fully to the Temple, I ended up stretched a little too thin when it came to the longer patrols across the mountains. But it couldn't be avoided, not with me trying my best to stay away from the Temple while Klait was around. The session of my moral training he was responsible for had not gone well and I suppose I was all too eager to take on a tenday long patrol only to avoid talking to him. It did me some good, I had time to finish my letter to Sveta.
The reply never came but she did. Wai became officially the head of Everwatch and few days after that I had my first talk with Sveta. Rigid, formal, loaded with disappointment and heavy with regrets. She didn't drag this out and released me from her service. I am becoming a sum of exes. The sum of past versions of myself. How boring.

It's been a while since I ventured north. It was only due to simple coincidence - I had some documents to deliver to the temple in the Gate - that I heard about the sunite auction. I went to see it but found myself unable to enter the Theater. I was busy pondering the issue when Ameris showed up. We haven't spoken since the day before my trial. I was cordial, as cordial as one can be and so was he. Kahanak and a thayan woman joined soon after. Being polite to them both was starting to be difficult so I rebuked Ameris' attempts to get me to go inside and left the premises.

The joined training in Greypeak Mountains was an intense experience and not because of the combat. I was glad when it was done. But with limited access to whiskey it took a longer while to silence the voices in my head. Ironically it is booze I miss the most.

At one point Elyssa came by with a visit. She tried to get me to talk about things but I played my cards close to the chest so the discussion soon turned to other topics. We were disrupted by some masked individual casting darkness around and telling us that we should make it known that Kagger Redyard is ready to take on Bane. Like that should mean anything to me. I did add that bit to the regular report tho, due diligence and all that.

I didn't expect her to come and talk to me after the dissolution of my squireship. And more so, I didn't expect her to have any regrets. She asked me where did she fail and at first it was confusing to me. In the past I had blamed Sveta for certain things, in a way I still did, at least part of me did, but in all truth, I was too tired to have that conversation with her. All these months back then when we used to live together I was so busy fighting her, blaming her. I had no fight in me at this point. And besides... It wasn't Sveta's fault that things turned out this way. If I was to be fair I should place more blame on his disappearance. On the fact that he left me without a word. Like I was nothing to him. Like my everything meant nothing to him. But even after so many months I still couldn't. Not that I didn't wish I was able... I had enough blame to drown myself in it and I didn't want to place it on others anymore. I am the one to take responsibility for my actions. I told her that. I kept telling her that, explaining that my fall, the loss of motivation, the loss of focus was not something she should blame herself. When I couldn't bare this any longer I used the incoming patrol as an excuse to flee.

Duty led me to the OSR compound for a meeting dedicated to retaking of Kheldrivver. Klait was already there and aside from cordial greeting I tried to pay him little attention, focusing mostly on the rest of attendees seated around the table. For the better part of this strategizing session, I remained silent but when they kept going in circles about the plan I whispered some suggestions to Klait so he could speak up but he made me speak instead. Both I and Revenark agreed on few points. After the planning was done I masterfully evaded Klait and got back to Nashkel.

The end of the second month was more eventful than I could have expected. Dunn dropped by the Temple and given that I haven't seen this one since the co-op with DragonWing it was rather unexpected. He confirmed the rumors I have heard about his banishment from the Lions. We talked a little about the circumstance surrounding the events that led to his expulsion from the goodly circles. I felt a sneer rising in my throat but I remained collected. He knew I had my own share of disagreements with that crowd. It wasn't much of a surprise when Dunn told me that he joined Ebon Blade, where else could an outcast go if not under Mercs Captain's wings, at least for the time being. We spoke of Soubar's situation with the orcs and the work with Militia Dunn was doing there. A small spark of interest ignited in me but I didn't let it turn into anything. I had one more month to go, three tendays to figure out if I even want to stay here. If I can go neither north nor south without crowding my family perhaps I should talk to Pharaxes to take me east, as far as Chessenta. I know by now that looking for answers, for him, is pointless but perhaps some measure of closure waits there.

Next time I had guests it was because of Isabella's and Elyssa's visit and even that crowd grew quickly as we were first joined by Dunn, then Dreadlord Harkonis and finally by Sveta. Few different topics were touched upon before former Head watchknight showed up and demanded that Selengil left unless he wished to abandon the clandestine ways of the Zhentarim. I didn't want to argue with her that Wai doesn't in particular mind Harkonis' presence in the light of the fact that Amn has no issue with the Black Network. And due to the patrol I had scheduled earlier I couldn't stay and see where their exchange led. One is certain tho, quite an eventful ending to a very quiet month.

The day of Mercs Tournament came and Sveta dragged me there. Last month of my sentence so I should re-socialize myself and return to society. I noticed Alexandra attached to some man's arm which meant the Eldarian era was over. I watched the fights with mild interest. I've seen all this before. Sveta lost her fight and Hinzel won the whole thing.

Before the first tenday of this month ended the Kheldrivver liberation operation had taken place. It was nothing like what we faced during the war but it bore pale resemblance and it was enough to take my mind off things. After hours of fighting the town was finally cleansed and no troll was left alive. Five months after the war has ended.

The co-op between Candlekeep and Everwatch resulted in a golem of some sort taking quite a lot of space in the temple and a watcher, actual beholder-look-alike living there now too. That's quite an unusual outcome for an expedition to the ruins we once learned about from EDE. I wonder if the Gondians will be able to restore this thing.

The day before the Ducal Court was scheduled Everwatch hosted its second Training School. Wai made me a co-instructor and I led the better part of the physical training. Merc Captain came along with his bunch. After Head watchknight's invitation, he gave in and led the hand to hand combat exercise plus gave a small lecture. Sveta joined us in time for group maneuvers and formation training. We were slowly running out of time, that whole party at the remodeled ship belonging to Captain Asher was supposed to start soon. Everwatch and Ebon Blade had the guard duty for which I was grateful. It meant I didn't have to dress up and pretend. I spent most of the evening drinking and talking with the Captain. Almost like old times. Almost. The party was boring save for an incident with a trap and some full-plated idiot that jumped off the ship. People were talking about the Ducal Court session that was supposed to happen tomorrow. Some of them would attend it while battling a hell of a hangover.

I was running late, the court has already started when I arrived. I wedged myself between Lathanderites and Merc Captain. The whole thing lasted for hours but I remained half amused most of the time so it didn't really bother me that much. It was good to see Reine and hear her comment rather harshly. It's refreshing, really, to hear someone actually not giving a rat's ass about etiquette.

The last tenday of my sentence was a quiet one, I still wasn't sure what I'd do after that aside from procuring two or more bottles of whiskey. I was leaning towards a trip south. Vincent, that has kept in sporadic contact over sendings, was considering going back to his homeland and was willing to drop me off not far from Calimport. Still, the idea that Dunn has planted in me while talking on and on about Soubar was starting to grow. Starved for a project I was starting to be more and more curious. That curiosity led me north. I haven't been in this dump of an inn for quite a while. Tomorrow my sentence would end I had no direction. Dunn was in a rush so he left me with the Captain. The somewhat off feeling that things are not like they used to, just... almost there, hit me again. He told me that his offer from before stands tho but I still declined. I didn't want to commit to anything just yet. I didn't particularly like the change I was starting to see in him. Nevertheless, I offered that I could perhaps help them with the militia as an independent support and a few hours later when Dunn came back we talked details. The idea in my mind was taking shape.

My sentence has ended. I'm free. Time to get drunk.

I went to the Theater to watch the open stage so I didn't really expect the Ebon Blade to be there. Whiskey and pipe changed hands and partially intoxicated I was half considering going onto the stage but I was way too slow in making that decision so there was no room for me. Mercs decided to try and change that but even their loud cheering didn't do much. Bathsheba was there, it was odd to see her. I doubted that she was going to stick around this time. I left with Captain and we walked to Soubar almost in total silence. We exchanged only a few words over whiskey, I wonder why. Still what was said was progress enough anyways, and well I guess I made up my mind then and signed up to help with the Militia.

That being said I dived into work mode almost instantly, dragging Dunn's lazy ass with me around Soubar while trying to estimate numbers and perhaps convince more to join. Planning and first training sessions became the main content of my days. I also have finally written the letter of apology. Sending it meant I was done with all this. Finally, truly, definitely done. Done.

Another of these "almost like" moments passed, this time between me and Sveta. It felt like years since I had stood in the kitchen of the residence, moving between the stove and the table with food in my hands. She told me about the conclusion she had come to. Her need to change voiced again. I still remember the first time, a year ago, when she told me of her concern when she pondered out loud the possibility of being a man instead of a woman. This time around I'm no longer a child and I understand her struggle more so I'll stand behind her in that. Even as the discussion moved towards my current support of the EB and their Militia training. With her so apparent disapproval we land basically home. Like nothing has changed we are back to square one. She points out that I always end up with the same options and I always make the same choice. She brings up the similarities between him and Captain. If that's the case she shouldn't be surprised I chose to help Mercs. She thinks I'm reckless and that siding with EB is even more illogical than when I sided with Hunters, that Captain is a much worst sort and I should reconsider. If only she knew what I know. She doesn't seem to understand that even if I still make similar choices I make them in entirely different circumstances. I'm no longer constrained by oaths, expectations, ideals and loyalties. I have no intention of repeating the mistake I made last time. This time I'm doing it not because it is the right thing to do. This time I couldn't care less what is right. I no longer have to be something I'm not. I'm choosing the in-between. Besides, someone has to keep Dunn from tripping over his own feet or letting Captain get to him.

It was good to see Vincent even if it was probably the last time I ever saw him. I hope he can find peace when he arrives home, after all, Halruua is a land governed by magic so there is a chance they can discover a solution to what is ailing him. He dropped me off a day ride from Calimport. I still remember my first trip to Waterdeep and how different it felt. But this was nothing compared to what I saw in the south. I thought I was prepared, having done all the reading and letters-exchange with Kat. I wasn't.
The second reveal was of a different sort. I was a stranger. No past and no future, only the present. Had I known that things would spin out of control I would have *the rest of the sentence is crossed out*. No. Bullcrap. I don't regret anything.

Finding Kat and seeing her for the first time in so long was another surprise. It wasn't just her beauty that seemingly decided it is time to manifest itself in full glory, it was the way she talked, moved and simply... was. And they called me, rebellious; they clearly haven't met my sister. Everything about her screamed defiance, the ban of norms, the ultimate freedom and willingness to do only what she wants and how she wants it. Two days later all my fears came true but as they did, the realization of being unable to stop a tide was born as well. I could never contain her nor was I sure any longer if that would be the right thing to do. I settled for observation at least in the beginning. The first few days were challenging but exciting. Having been forced out of my armor and fed food foreign both in appearance and taste was just the tip of the mountain. My senses and thoughts were being invaded by colors, sounds, scents I didn't know existed. For the first time in gods know how long I was free of all the burdens associated with what I left behind on the Coast or even as far in the past as home itself. There simply was no room left in my mind for that. Kat and her colorful, very eccentric menagerie showed me around the city. Everything was other-worldly. My so not-little-anymore sister coaxed me into the eye of the hurricane, and I let that tidal power swallow me. There no simple explanation to these various experiences we shared during that tenday. Food, music, art, places, people. In the end, all of it bred quite a few interesting contacts. That was the start of the first contract. It was as dangerous as it was reckless but the pay was good, and the crew proved to be not half bad either. As it was in the case of Waterdeep, part of me didn't want to go back to the Coast. But the Militia training in Soubar was waiting. I wasn't ready to give up yet. More than that, I still didn't want to give them the satisfaction of running me down.


After some preparations, I was ready to teleport back. I felt like a mule with all the things I brought back. I had planned to leave the wine case at Sveta's residence and visit her some other time, but we ended up having dinner that day. I told her about the trip and Kat, leaving out some details to avoid a lecture. If the last year has taught me anything, it was a simple truth that a proper dosage of information can save one from an unpleasant discussion with a former mentor. And yet I do like those times when we share a meal. Even with all the baggage and dysfunctional dynamic. We spoke some more about my questionable life choices, her incoming gender change, the situation in the Gate, old and new acquaintances.

Hours later, lighter by a solid number of pounds, I was already in Soubar looking for Dunn. I found Mercs Captain instead. Whiskey and business discussion commenced up to the point when he offered me the position of a lieutenant. I watched the man next to me thoughtfully, wondering what's the catch even as he was saying there is none. A year ago I was in the same spot, sort of. Things have come full circle, and I was facing a similar decision. Even as I was no longer the me from a year ago. At that point, it was either them or perhaps Candlekeep that would be willing to hire me despite my reputation. My options were limited. If I were ready to give up on the Coast, to just leave this place, the choice would have been so much easier. I had my concerns about joining EB, and these had little to do with the rumors, type of work or the rest of the bunch. It was him and the change I've been seeing that was making me leery. On the other hand, I had nothing to lose, nothing else to do and during all the work we have done together, I was only once disappointed with them. Besides, after the trip south I did appreciate the concept of no rules, no code, no other limitations than the ones I set myself. I said yes and we drank to it.

The last tenday of this month was a busy one. My remaining ties with the city got me involved with a supply run for the incoming soup kitchen, this time organized by SCCE. Makes me wonder what happened to the one that Reine and Sveta had initiated. Said supply run resulted in a small event held by SCCE - and with the help of the Ilmateri - in the Harbor. I watched it from a distance, waiting for Sveta to arrive. I felt more misplaced in the crowd of these people than ever before. Come to think of it; it was the last time I followed her orders. Crowd control wasn't a challenge because the poor were well behaved enough.

Before the first mission officially under the EB banner, Mag berated Mercs Captain for his conflict with Zhentarim that did cost Soubar some income after the caravans from Black Network got pulled out. Splendid, why not make enemies with everyone, work is so easy to come by. The mission itself was uneventful. Company was accompanied by Dunn's new-but-soon-to-be-ex female companion, Alexandra and a mage. To be honest, I wouldn't hire a mage unable to speak orcish to scry horde's village. EB received a rather vague intel and was on their way back soon after. That's when Mercs Captain and Dunn got a chance to speak to sickly looking Alexandra. She told them about some tome that was taking hold of her, and help was offered. My split duties between Soubar and CK started then. On the last day of the month, an earth genasi by the name Ashan Wayne joined this merry bunch. I have a good feeling when it comes to his skills, but time will tell if he can fit in.

The horde came close, as close as Soubar's walls. What was supposed to be a training session for Ashan and me, turned into a desperate defense. We met the scouts not far into the Northern Tradeway, but it wasn't long till we got overrun by gray and black orcs and the only thing left was to retreat. It was then when I was able to send for backup. Mercs Captain, Xela, and Marcel arrived quickly. I mobilized part of Militia, and we left the little cover that the broken walls were offering to meet the orcs in an open field. I was already running low on wards and the last ones I reserved for Militia which consequently forced me to stay back. I had a front row seat to the idiocy of men. His in particular. *The next paragraph appears to be crossed many times by a furious hand.*
I don't know what was worse. Seeing how he spearheads into horde's forces just as Xela's explosive arrows reach the fighters and burn everyone no matter which side of the conflict they were on? Watching how the orcs decimate Militia as a consequence? Or maybe dragging his and Ashan's lifeless bodies back to Soubar and having him dismiss me and treat like I haven't just saved his ass? Each of these was equally bad? Rhetorical question, obviously. And he refused to see that there was something wrong with this picture. I could feel the restraints on my temper stretch, snap in few places, but even as he undermined me in front of the others, I held back what I wanted to say.
I left that self-imposed king of the bloody rubble and bunch of cretins, and a few hours later reached Doron Amar. They have battled with the orcs as well. I spoke with Elyssa and Isabella before returning north.
*The following paragraph is crossed many times over as well.* Had I left... I should have left then. *The next sentence is also stricken.*

I briefed Dunn two days later, and it took a lot of control to be cordial about this. We checked on the two Militia survivors, and he mentioned that Telia wanted to meet him in Elfsong. I offered to accompany him, both to keep an eye on him and to avoid running into Mercs Captain. Beshaba was, however, still looking my way and upon arrival at the Inn they requested to speak in private, so I left to wait by the fountain. Their meeting wasn't long, and soon Dunn joined me with a rather sour visage. The same old story repeated itself. He told me of the familiar judgment Telia passed on him, on us, for working with EB. I shrugged it off; their hypocrisy no longer mattered to me. Their perception of us became the foundation of our comradery so I suppose I should be grateful. Neither of us wanted to go back north just yet, so we sat and talked about the Horde, Militia, the last encounter, Mercs Captain and our reasons for being part of that mess. My idea that being in the Gate would keep me from seeing him turned into wishful thinking when he approached us. His demeanor was even more dismissive and superior than a few days ago; luckily, Endelyon showed up, and Mercs Captain followed her into the Elfsong. Dunn and I waited for them carrying on with our conversation. The codename, the idea of in-between and crash course were born. Some time later when Miss Castillo stormed out of the Inn, we knew something was on. The three of us went back to Soubar where we discussed the deal with SCCE. Soon the construction of the fort would start and if Tymora was willing the caravans from SCCE will at least make up for what business Mag lost due to the embargo issued by Black Network. Ther order that members are forbidden from taking the bounty on Wren Di'Corvi's head was given. The Candlekeep case was brought up, and I offered to contact priestess Aeili.

The next day I met the sun elf mystran, and we traveled promptly to Candlekeep. Dunn was already there. Alexandra brought Aeili up to speed while the two of us prepared some food for the Seeker. The priestess departed to study what was available to her, and Alexandra went into one of her trances. Dunn and I sat there watching over her talking about EB, possible strategies against orcs, the conflict between Mercs Captain and I and Alexandra's situation. We decided to contact Maddy about checking the cursed dagger, and the gnome alchemists came to the Keep to retrieve the object. I left Dunn in charge of Alexandra's safety as rumors about Isabella had already started to circulate. I don't want the part in that conflict, but we have been paid to protect Keenan and so we will. I teleported to Soubar for a few hours worth of Militia training before I was called back to the Keep. When I arrived, First Reader was wrapping up his visit, Captain and Dunn were getting ready for the upcoming mission discussing details; they paid no attention to me and left to take care for last minutes preparations. I noticed that Alexandra is keeping the blanket I gave her. *The rest of the paragraph is gone after being crossed few times.* I retreated to the kitchen, and when Tarina showed up I helped her with food for Alexandra that seemed in slightly better spirits. Two more guests concerned with Keenan's wellbeing came by later, Medune and Marshall. I watched that man from across the room recalling the rumors.

Finally, the hour grew late and EB banded up with CK ready to depart in search for some ruffians in Amnian territory. We met Captain Asher outside of Avowed Quarters, and she insisted on talking to me. She turned out to be the same type of hypocrite as the Lions and started guilt-tripping me for working with EB. Mercs Captain used that opportunity to snap and get snippy with me for talking to Asher. Of course, he did, and I bit my tongue *the rest of this paragraph is illegible.*
Marshall and Drogo caught up with us in Beregost; the guards there recognized Tarina, and we were given a gentle warning before leaving town. A long time had passed before we reached the hideout of these bandits and I never left Alexandra's side and neither did Marshall. Captain sent Drogo and Dunn ahead to scout, and I focussed on the feedback from the connection between Dunn and I thanks to the status spell. Drogo returned to report that Dunn was captured. Isabella was growing impatient, hidden under her spells east of us, Tarina's anxiety was almost palpable while Marshall's and mine silence just hung heavy around Alexandra who stood sheltered from the rain behind my shield. It was time to make contact. Some grunt exited the camp and tried to be cocky, but Mercs Captain stared him down before the man managed to spell out his name. At that point, their boss - Stillwater - made a move and came out from behind the palisade with his men and Dunn. He revealed to us that the three bandits that wanted him to lay siege to Candlekeep were slain, and he would gladly give their bodies back. He didn't know who the trio was working for. Mercs Captain decided that this was the perfect opportunity to get some able bodies for his company. I was staring at the back of his head incredulously, pondering the depths of his arrogance, lack of understanding of how certain things work and sheer stupidity. Making this deal with our contractors present was just going to bite him in the ass soon enough, but he had been ignoring and dismissing me for the past tenday, so he didn't deserve my input. Besides, I knew he wouldn't listen to me anyways. *Another section crossed beyond the point of eligibility.* He intimidated them into a deal, and with the bodies of the three bandits, we left for the Keep. I felt Marshall's unease; I could see plainly the inner battle. I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. I didn't have to wait long. Alexandra was displeased with Captain's games as well, and she let him know of it when the bodies were laid at the Keep's Temple. Marshall found us outside and wished to share words with Captain. I finally watched that other shoe drop, and I had to keep myself from smirking. Marshall told him that he is going to inform Amnian authorities about the criminals and their camp. That didn't improve Mercs Captain's mood but at least presented me with an opening to exchange few words with Marshall, and I offered to show him what we are trying to do in Soubar. I wonder if he noticed what I had pointed towards. Captain and I departed from the Keep in silence. He didn't say a single word to me on our way back to Soubar. I guess he was done being a prick for the day. Perhaps the change I had noticed about him finally reached some turning point, or maybe he decided he didn't have to pretend anymore now that I had joined EB. *The following sentences are illegible.* Hell if I know. Unfortunately, I still have some things I dedicated myself to which prevent me from simply leaving. Besides, I am not one to back down or give up that easily just because he can see only as far as the tip of his man-pride. Even tho I somwtimes wish I was that person.

A few days later Marshall replied to my letter. I wanted him to realize that I am not contacting him to influence his decision but because I am genuinely interested in showing him the work Serge and I are doing in Soubar. We met atop of the Inn to discuss not just Soubar but that little aspect of common ground as well. Our conversation, however, was cut short with Tarina's arrival. The shaman delivered a message on behalf of Alexandra. Keenan wanted to apologize for how she had acted towards Marshall. I could smell dramatics in the air, and I knew our talk would have to wait. The three of us headed for the Keep. Guard duties awaited, but Seeker dismissed me quickly to speak with Marshall, so I decided to travel to Doron Amar with Ashan. I heard about Viridiana's predicament from Sveta and decided to pay them a visit. Viri seemed happy with the rum cakes and a discussion about the abductions, shadows, and Horde carried on for few hours.

I decided to post it all in one post because it has been gathering dust for a while and I suck at posting at regular intervals. El has been retired for almost half a year, so I guess it's as good a time as any.

*Tiny scribbles covering margins and bottoms of most of the pages. All written in the minuscule, tight-knit and shaky script. Some are crossed many times over other are covered in blotches of ink. Only some of them are legible.*

The camp was not much, but the crumbling structure was providing enough protection from the wind and rain, leaving the candle alone for the time being. A hooded figure sat there, her back against the wall. The blade moved smoothly between the fingers of her right hand while she kept twirling it back and forth absentmindedly. The woman's attention was on the objects laid out in front of her. She ran her left index digit along the edge of the first book. Number five lettered in crimson into the leather cover reflected the candlelight. Then El's gaze shifted to the other, worn looking, tome with number four etched into its front. Her eyelids fluttered, the blade in her hand halted briefly, and she canted her head to the side, listening to the words in her mind.

"Have you opened it yet?"

"Just about to," she thought back. "I hope the fifth one is sturdier." The blade resumed its dance between the woman's fingers.

"That's all you're worried about?"

"Obviously not, but ask me tomorrow."

There was no comment in return, and so she slipped the knife back into its rightful place then picked up the fourth book. She could feel the weight of it, and she had to force herself to abandon a train of thought that popped into her head. Without delay, El wrapped the tome in a linen cloth, fastened it with a strap, and then dropped it into a backpack.

She let out a soft sigh as her hands reached for the already opened bottle of whiskey, and she took a generous sip from it before turning her attention to the book number five. Howling of wolves carried across the Northern Tradeway, coming from the south this time. She had no care for it; there was something she needed to do now. El reached for a quill, dipped it in ink then propped the book on her lap. The words came with the same intensity as the next wave of rain and the melody followed in its wake.




1st - 20th Eleasis 1353, The Northern Tradeway, Camp

My return was as quiet as my departure. One moment I was not there, then I simply was. The sendings rattled in my head, and I let the words pass through me before I thought back at them. I walked the paths of the past slowly, unbothered and inconspicuous for a few days. Tuning myself to words, sensations, and thoughts were both challenging and intriguing. It did not take long for a routine route to form, and I took it every day. Removed, distanced and hidden I watched them. Could not find each and everyone from the list in my head, but it didn't bother me. I had time. Correction. I thought I had time.

The gallows drew me, pulled at me in a similar way the Tower did. I wished I could stand atop of it again. In regular intervals, I visited the gibbet to sate myself. I took note of the commotion about Mercs Keep and pondered the meaning of gold in the banners.

When the day of their feast came, I was still unsure what my choices would be. With the proclamation of the Barony and following reveal came dry amusement, and for reasons, I am yet to understand, the urge for confrontation surfaced. I held his gaze and let him know it was me. No indication of recognition was given til he came over after his speech, as always assuming I would listen.
I should have known then at that exact moment that I lost the upper hand. Such a stupid mistake. The one I keep making. I walked away, hoping he would allow me so I could choose where and when, but the moment I heard the doors behind me open again I realized I lost.
The woman by the name of Adira entered the hallway blocking my way, which gave him enough time to bar the door and prevent me from leaving. Why do we keep doing this? Why does he stop me only when I am about leave? He had done it before. It became a theme. It was one of the reasons I had not faced him before I left.

The rage mixed with pain, that feeling is a living thing. The thing, I thought I had under control by now, but it took him mere moments to free it. I wanted to scream. The urge to scream at him always there, never leaving me.
The yearning for confrontation coiled in me. Confrontation he would not grant me. He was never one to give, his right to take all of and from me was assumed. He left before I could say anything. That hit me even harder than him barring the doors and forcing me to listen to his words.
And even as he spoke them it felt wrong. It felt forced. I knew that power in all of its forms all too well.
This time I willed myself to leave.
He would not have me return to him. Not this time.
Not like this. I ran.
The living thing in me twisted vehemently.
My steps led me back to where you had taken me when my temper flared. I miss the way the arena looked back then. And I always find myself coming back here in moments like these.

I did not expect to see Marshall there. I walked away to steady myself, to don my colors. I stood atop the arena watching them spar down below. The short but powerfully built woman, Althea, drew my attention again. I waited. I knew he would see me before long. And he did, he called out to me and soon would stand behind me. I looked over my shoulder and had to steel myself when I saw what Marshall was holding in his hand.
No. Not again. Not now.
I told him I did not want it. Neither did he as he laid it on the bench and walked away before I got the words out.

What is wrong with them both?

I was leaving when Hinzel stopped me. Peculiar how he remained unchanged towards me, ever consistent in his approach and view of me. Ever kind. I never understood why he would offer such to me. He deserved that to be returned to him, and I did attempt to show him what it meant to me. I had expected him to recoil, but he did not, surprising me once more.

I went to the beach. Do you remember when you found me there after the evacuation of my village and the confrontation with the Santraegers? I keep returning here just like I keep returning to the arena. I still walk the steps we walked then.



(((OOC Credits:
Soundtrack & Lyrics: Nothing More, used with minor alternations
Revision & Proofreading: Master Silke

The veil of darkness moved lazily, chased by the signs of first light reflected in the glass surface of the only window. For the most part, the chamber remained coated in murky shadows and quietness. Two silhouettes, 3 feet apart, slept on the floor by the wall. The man looked peaceful, his breathing deep and regular. Dark crown of tousled hair framed his face which still bore the signs of strain, exertion, and pain from the day before. The woman, on the contrary, seemed plagued by an uneasy dream, her breathing shallow and quick; sweat shone on her forehead, and she curled inward under her blanket. Whatever her mind had conjured, ultimately forced her to jolt awake.

Instinctively, El reached for the blade which would have been in the left boot but found nothing; her chest hitched, and she looked around in confusion, trapped in the subsiding nightmare and unfamiliar surroundings. A single charge jumped between the tips of the woman's fingers, and she shook her head balling both hands into fists. Slowly, memories of yesterday and pieces of reality clicked back into place — the recollection of where she was forced her eyebrows to draw together into a deep frown. Looking leftward - with a sigh of relief - she noted that her abrupt awakening had not disturbed the paladin. Finally, she pulled herself up glancing about the chamber in an attempt to reorient then tiptoed toward the pile of her belongings stashed on the chair, and before putting her shoes on, she checked the position of the hidden knife. That simple gesture brought her solace, softening the contorted lines of her features. The woman straightened up, seized the heavy, hooded cloak and threw it over her shoulders, letting it cling to her frame. Next, she picked the set of silver, glyph-covered pins from the table, pulled her hair back, and in a few quick, decisive moves braided the unruly mane, sticking the hairpins into the pattern along the way. All that was left was the hood, and it soon covered her head, almost entirely obscuring her visage. Before moving toward the window, she reached into the backpack to fish out a notebook and some writing implements. After the objects have been placed on the windowsill, the woman settled down looking outside. Her hand found the way back to the blade, and before long it resumed its relentless dance. El's expression rearranged showing the early signs of a scowl while she watched, in silence, the first strokes of color break across the horizon. With the tip of the blade rested on the edge of her lower lip, she tugged at the pendant around her neck. Having activated the spell, she murmured the message.


"The game of what ifs, treacherous thing. Returning so soon might have been a mistake."

The reply did not come right away. El thought there would be none and as she picked the notebook to feed it, the sending finally echoed in her head. Weariness and irritation carried across distance with remarkable ease.

"Chaos help me, stop stalling. Stop hiding. Handle it! The truth will close that chapter for good."

"And what if it tries to pry open a new one?"

"Stop being naive."

"Or self-destructive," El's gaze shifted to the blade as she whispered back.

"Or that. You need to face him, or you'll never be free. And he is still here."

The exchange stopped, and she knew no words could mask what she was trying to avoid. Soon the residents of this building would begin to wake, which meant that time was running short. In order to move forward, she needed to process, at least to some degree, what had transpired yesterday. Resentment and exhaustion made for poor writing companions; inflating each sentence's cost to more than she had bargained for. The reprieve did not come, and she surmised she was undeserving of it.




21st - 23rd Eleasis 1353, The Radiant Heart Chapterhouse, Marshall's Room

I should have known better, given that nothing has gone as planned so far. This encounter held a different surprise than the one with Hinzel. The almost forgotten warmth I always had associated with Elyssa was unexpected. It seemed like a lifetime since I had spoken to her last. Despite the passage of time, she still tried, just like during my sentence, to share light and warmth with me. At that point, however, I had no right to accept a gift like that. She wanted to see my hand, but I could not allow it. There was no will in me left to explain and argue the whys and ifs.

I was, yet again, on my way to FAI to search for Wren when I stumbled upon a curious scene; Kald with Aeb'el's limp body over his shoulder and some strangers lying lifeless in the dirt. Few scrolls later they returned to the realm of the living. Kald sent for Marshall, and soon he and Althea caught up with the others in the vicinity of the Inn. As I had passed Mercs Captain not far from Soubar without a word of exchange between us earlier that day, so did the silence settle between Marshall and I. The procession to the Cloudpeaks commenced and ended with Aeb'el's burial in the frozen ground. Rai remained hidden in shadows while we carried our conversation and she told me that my rumored death drove Uriel toward the edge, but as with everything Rai says, I took it with a grain of salt. There was no logical reason for it to matter to the druid.

The tiefling woman, Tasha, must have been forced out of her stealth position by Rai. With her presence revealed, she called upon her wolf companion and forced the animal to dig. I had no right to ask Rai to dispatch Tasha, and neither could I do anything against the archer. When the deed was done, she tied a rope around the corpse and dragged it to the Aurilite Temple. I took my leave, meandering down the mountain trail where the snow and threats were less prominent so that I could send to Marshall. We have not exchanged a word with each other save for that short encounter by the arena, but I knew he would come if he knew what had taken place. This time was no different; not a single word was given when he sprinted past me, climbing up the path I have just walked down. I could have walked away then, and I would have if it were anyone else. When I caught up with him, he was already facing Aeb'el. The all-consuming cold and the screaming in my head were but a backdrop. I was being torn apart again, and again. And yet I stood motionless, leaning against a dead, frozen tree. I knew then and there what the outcome would be. What the price for his choice and mine would be. And there I stood. The storm was pulling at me, begging to be released. It was his fight, his decision, his honor and I would never go against that. I understood this better than I wished I had.



When they tore into each other, I forced myself to watch. Why did I return? I could have been miles away, free of this picture and the tempest inside me.
When Aeb'el, in the devil form, brought Marshall to his knees, I pushed down the impulse to move. I must not act. I must remain motionless. Fading away, fragments of me dying.
When Marshall was killed and turned to ice, the Aurilite looked to me. There was a time when I would have charged him, allowing the sheer intensity of fury to carry me. No longer, however, was I able to hold a sword or engage in combat of any kind. The abomination called me a spectator.
Trapped in this broken body, I was held hostage between respect for his choice and desire for violence. The Thunder will toll, one day, the scales will even. One day, but not soon enough.

Wordlessly, I watched Aeb'el shift into a Nightcrawler and pick up Marshall's body encased in ice. That silence accompanied me when I followed them to the Temple, where self-proclaimed Lord Cold Circle mounted the ice statue on the wall. The same silence tried to strangle me when I noticed the pendant around Marshall's neck. He had left it there on the bench; I remembered it clearly so why was it here? My eyes trailed every inch of him, burning this scene into my memory, the initial price for understanding. I hated him for it. Even at that moment, I marveled at how alike they were when it came down to a few things; especially the surge of rage, both of them kept evoking in me. Knowing that his friends, allies, and followers would come knocking sooner or later, I left the Temple and waited outside of it to face them. The cold no longer bothered me; I could no longer feel. Nor could I allow myself to feel in the face of what was yet to come. Shortly after they finally arrived, the abomination exited his domain as well. Before he could mislead them, I told them about Marshall's death and removed myself from Aurilite's proximity. I leaned against the snow-covered palisade, listening to openly hostile exchange. I suggested to Aeb'el that he should give them Marshall's blade back, given that he mounted his sword in the dead paladin's hand. When he left to fetch it, their judgment shifted to me. They needed a focal point, someone who they could judge and condemn, so I played my part. Be the monster they need. Be the monster everyone thinks you are.
I felt the tug. Dulled as it was, it was still present despite my attempts at eradicating it. There would be hell to pay for all that had been suppressed later; I was slowly becoming disillusioned about this. After a lengthy, fruitless debate, the abominable creep denied them entry to the Temple. They did not really want to hear what happened from me; I was not what they wanted me to be. What did they know about sides? They could not begin to comprehend the reasons and motivations behind my choices, or the understanding between Marshall and me. Just like that, in under a day, I have become a monster again. I wondered then, if I followed Marshall in death, for that was proper and expected, that was what they deemed honorable and right, would that have been commended? My corpse would have been lost under layers of snow. No one would know I was even there. When they left, their anger, grief, and conviction followed behind like a pack of vultures. The feasted and yet remained insatiable. I returned to the Temple, and after Aeb'el issued his empty warning, I was allowed to stay.

My mind kept disassembling each shred of information even as I tried to force it to stop. I weighed the options laid in my head and searched the scenarios that would not cease popping in. I had to be patient; the day was far from being over. The fear that my composure would crack, that the wall which I surrounded myself with could crumble would not leave me. I was aware of the pressure against it all too keenly. I held the beast by its throat, but its claws kept reaching me, tearing in. Bleeding reason, logic, and what little self-control I had left all over the floor, I heard a familiar voice to my right. I could not see him, but he was still there. I remained as I was, staring ahead. If the others got wind of Hinzel's presence, there would only be more death.





(((OOC Credits:
Soundtrack: Tom Salta, Soundtrack to Might & Magic Heroes VI, Julien Marchal, Insights XX
Revision & Proofreading: eS

For Bee, Flames, and Shorn - You made that day's role play undeniably remarkable.






21st - 23rd Eleasis 1353, The Ulgoth's Beard, Bonfire
Hinzel was the first person to ask with genuine interest what happened, then promised to bring help. Even as I dreaded the shape and form this aid could take, all that mattered was to lay Marshall to rest the way he wanted, the way he deserved. It was not long before his allies poured into the temple one by one. Like a current they grew, their words intensified and began eradicating reason. Each of them bargained, pleaded, negotiated or tried to haggle with the creature who lived off their desperation. Unaffected by their rationale and full of validation, he refused time and again.

Wirg was first, but he gained nothing from his exchange with Aeb'el. Dunn came in next and stood by my side, asking questions. We watched Kald appeal to have his squire returned to him. It was the first time I heard anyone call Marshall a boy or a child. When faced with failure, and with an army of allies amassing outside, Kald's tune has changed. Next to come was Eldarian who wished to exchange the fallen paladin for whatever the Aurilites would desire as compensation.

Meanwhile, the rest of the priesthood started to grow annoyed and concerned with what a potential skirmish meant for their holy ground. Then the most bizarre part happened; Rania came and offered her body and soul as payment if Marshall ever defiled these lands again. Disconcerted and borderline nauseated, I watched them commoditize his body, his honor, his soul, his pride - everything that he was. If I was the corrupt and deprived of morality monster, what were they? Did they know him at all? Did they have any respect for his values or were they only driven by the loss and anger they felt? Was the lure of rationalization so compelling none of them could forbear? Eventually, the price was agreed upon - 10 sapphires - and by the decision of the clergy, they bought the rights to Marshall's body. Slowly the Temple’s throng began to fade. I could not join the group that carried Marshall's body, and therefore I sought after an alternative which proved fruitful.

When I arrived at the Chapterhouse, access to it was not granted to the likes of me. Rania's threat to rip my throat out carried over the wall. Althea said I did not care if Marshall lived or not. None listened when I said that he would not want to be brought back - not after all that. It was not just about life or death anymore; the focus moved to the way they had desecrated him. Their intentions, however well-meant, could not extenuate the brutal, visceral assault on everything he believed and stood for. I should have fought harder, but I did not possess any rapport or leverage among them. Dunn went inside on my request to mark progress by. Hours passed as I stood by the tree; people came and went some surprised to see me, others dismayed. The night turned into the next day, and I felt inexplicably disconnected from this broken body at intervals that lasted longer than what I was accustomed to. I wondered about the scope of devastation and desolation they were about to subject him to baring a successful resurrection. Layered so thin I could swear it was translucent, my patience continued to evaporate, and with it any sort of veneer of politeness. When Uriel asked me the question others already answered for me, I felt another fragment of forbearance dissolving on the tip of my tongue. If I had started explaining the merit to the man who was the epitome of the art of smoke and mirrors, I risked having him spin another one of his fabrications. Few people had the intellectual faculties that could match him, so most would have ended trapped in his little web, manipulated and used for the druid's amusement. It was not malice that fueled this behavior, but I refused to feed it willingly, so I offered him half-truths instead. As usual, I was unable to read him, his words were stated matter-of-factly, but they as well could have been just a way to convey disappointment.

"The dark draws you, Eleanor. You are drawn to it, and you draw it into you. What started as noble intentions, seemed to me to become an addiction."

He was right, as he has always been. In the North, the proof of it stood tall.

"Out of all the beacons of light, yours burned the brightest. My greatest sin, such as it was, was that I was not there to speak to it when you needed it."
"Was it, really? Has it gotten me anywhere?" my voice rang flat.
"I think... that was what I admired most. Those many years ago," Uriel said softly. "You did not care where it took you, or what gain you accrued."
"Or what price I had to pay for it," I added dryly.

Before we could continue this exchange, Rania came up to us and told me that I was lucky Marshall was alive, but she did not answer when I asked for her to elaborate. Marshall followed behind her with Althea at his side and from the look on his face, I suspected he knew nothing of the trade. His wish was to speak to me, so he introduced Althea officially as his squire claiming I was the reason he took her under his wing.

"Althea, when we met, I spoke to you of a woman, whose heart inspired me back onto my path after my fall. A woman who gave me her light. Do you remember?"
"I do remember," the young paladin nodded, and her eyes searched her mentor's features.
"This is that woman; her name is Eleanor," Marshall said.

On some level, it still mystified me whenever either of them kept using the name I reduced to but two insignificant letters. There was no familiarity to it as though they were referring to someone else. Someone who I no longer was.

"I ask that no matter what you witness on this Coast, remember your lessons of Ilmater and believe in this woman's heart. As there was a time when this woman was the only one who believed in mine," he continued, and my mind pulled back to the memories of Triel.
Althea dipped her head, her demeanor relaxing. "Then allow me to speak, sir?"
"Speak freely, Knight Hartell."
The young knight's gaze shifted, and she looked me straight in the eyes. "I sincerely apologize for my comments made earlier. I will inquire to see your true motives in the matter, but I hold no ill will towards you. May we be well met going forward."
"...Which matter?" it was Marshall's turn to ask.
"You may ask what you wish to know," I stated simply.
"The fight the felled you. She stood idle and watched you fall."
". . .Did she?" he considered it a moment. "...Allow me to explain. Eleanor understands my honor, Althea. She would not insult me by instigating against it if I am in single combat."

Finally, knowing that he understood was my only saving grace in the ocean of judgment his friends and allies dispatched so carelessly.

"As you would not accept the trade, Knight Hartell," I added and saw the fleeting frown crossing his features.
Althea's eyes softened in understanding. "Then please do accept my sincerest of apologies," she bowed her head in my direction.
"I find that there is nothing to apologize for. You acted on the knowledge you had. You acted based on your code. And your emotions. I understand that. I hold no offense towards you, Knight Hartell," was all I could say at that point.

When the female knight departed to find some rest, Marshall's attention moved to me. I knew I would be at the end of the line of those who deserved a word, but I did not expect the words that followed.

"Of all the people I spoke to while I sought you upon my return, each one was remorseful. Nightgale and I made peace. Uriel was riding a killing edge, seeking you. Everett was morose at your loss. Dunn could not even say your name. Each one spoke of the same tale, of how they failed you."

So different and so alike. Both of them. I wanted to stop him from saying more. I wanted to hear it all.

"You were the best of us in those troubled times, Eleanor, and of all the marked failures I have seen when tracking your path after my departure, one stands more glaring than all the others. More than your temple, or the Pathfinders, or the personal disappointments you have sustained stoically. I gave you my word, and I broke it. I made you a promise between us, and you reached out to me, and for me in the belief in my heart, and I spat it in your face and walked away from you," Marshall's voice was low as he monologued. "There are no words that will ever suffice that can explain the depths of the sorrow I feel for my choices. I have tried before, in a sending. I will never make this up to you, Eleanor, I know that. However, I will always believe in the heart you showed me in Triel. You have, and always will remain in mine, Eleanor. I am forever, truly sorry."

A fracture appeared at the corner of my twisted thoughts.

"I accept your apology, Alexander," I dared to use his name.
"I do not deserve that acceptance, Eleanor."
"You do. Do you think I would have watched you die, and stand by your icy corpse if you did not?
His hand reached up gently and wrapped around the locket which hung from his neck. He did not attempt to remove it this time. "I do not recall the circumstances, but I surmise your actions would only punish yourself, Eleanor. You owe me nothing. In truth, it is you that is owed all that I have worked to become."
"You spoke true. I understood why you did what you did. I accepted your choice. I honored it. Because you deserved that. Not to punish myself. I care little for that." It was not the whole truth, and Uriel would have known that.
"Yet you stood vigil with my remains...Why?"
"Because you would have done the same. If our roles were reversed."
The man's features creased, as he fought back some foreign emotion. "I would have."
"It was not easy to witness and to stand vigil, to be accused and judged, but I did not waver."
"You have never wavered, regardless of what others would say of you. That is not in your nature," he concurred. "Our path never will be easy. However, I will always endeavor to support you, so long as you will have me."

Again, before more could be said Uriel reappeared and an odd, tense exchange took place between Marshall and him. I did not care for Uriel's lewd insinuation; there was never anything of such nature between Marshall and I, despite what the druid chose to believe. Nor would it ever be. I did not quite plan for Marshall to learn this way, but Uriel seemed unconcerned about how to present that particular bit of information and revealed the deal Eldarian made. As expected, it began shattering pieces of him in the same way the indentation and a crack showed in the Chapterhouse's gate after he slammed his hand into it. Uriel, Osric, and Dunn tried to reason with him, but neither - perhaps except for the druid - could grasp what was going through the paladin's head. I told them to leave; I had my work cut out for me. I could not stop Aeb'el from killing him, and I could not stop his friends from bartering, but perhaps I could do what I had done once before. Tears marked a few shimmering trails down his cheek, and it took a lot to force myself past the walls I had built to wipe them off.

"This is not how I wished for you to see me, Eleanor," Marshall steeled his features, managing some measure of stoicism.
"Why? This is you. Without all that. It has been long since I have seen you. All you. Not just," I motioned vaguely to indicate something I could not convey with words.
"My honor Eleanor... It is the one thing I have attempted in all things, to regain... To have it snapped away from me without any choice. To have that memory disrespected in this way? I would almost rather not be here."
"I know. You must remember though. They do not see the world, actions, choices we make the way we perceive them. It is not something one can just... grasp."
"...I had hoped they had known me better than this. That my actions on this Coast would have earned me more respect. How could they think I would condone this? How do they expect me to continue my path, knowing my life was used to garner tribute to evil?" He looked up at me with unmasked pain, almost pleadingly.
"Mm. What I am about to say may sound harsh," I reached out to him and traced the edge of his jaw with my fingers in an attempt to steady him. "They think they know you. They think they understand you. However, everything most people do is colored by their wants, their emotions, their mindset, their perception of things. They do not bother to look at it the way you do, not just because it is a hard way to understand, but also because they do not want to. Pain, honor, duty, justice - each of your friends has their own view of it. Moreover, they care not for yours if that stands in conflict with theirs. It is human nature. Especially when something brings them pain and loss," I spoke quietly as I continued to run my fingers along the outline of Marshall's jaw and he leaned into it, seeking comfort.
"Perhaps you are correct, Eleanor. But the depths in which this news affects me is... hard to explain. My life, my very existence is now owed to a tribute paid to Auril. . ."
"Twisted is the path you must walk. This is another test. One of many," I surmised. "They did not mean ill will, they all care for you. They just do not understand you."
"If they cared for me, they would know me better," he still fought against my words, but this time his tone betrayed that what I said had already started to sink in.
"They care as far as their perception of you goes. And you must find it in you to understand, reconcile and forgive. This is part of your duty."
". . .I know in my heart you are right, Eleanor. I just struggle with the thought. I had thought the sum of my morals to be worth more than any tribute Auril would ask of these people."

There would not be a better time for him to hear it all, so I gave him the full account of what happened inside the Temple. I was almost done when Everett and Rania approached us. Marshall's anger sprung toward them, and I watched the Selunite lie through her teeth as she claimed she did not bargain. Did she forget she offered her body and soul if Marshall had ever defiled the Auril's land again? She wanted to speak with the paladin, and when he agreed I padded back to the tree where Gunthar found me. It was unexpected to see someone so unrestrained in his delight to see me. The former Hunter shared a drink and a bit of food with me; he was also the one to tell me that Rania and Marshall were involved - suddenly it all made sense. Inside the privacy of my thoughts, I noted wryly that for a man of duty, the paladin certainly had a penchant for dramatic, unstable, and emotionally compromised women. My gaze turned North, and my mind followed forming an absurd consideration that such could also be the Mercs Captain’s type. Not that I have ever seen him with anyone, but there was this thing he said back at the Anchor year and a half ago about having preferred an easy lass for a night here and there above anything else. A smirk began curling the corner of my mouth, but I was not allowed to entertain this train of thought for much longer because Rania and Marshall returned from what was presumably a lovers' quarrel. The man appeared calmer if not somewhat confused about something.

"What will you do now?" his tone was one of a quiet inquiry.
"I am..." I hesitated. "I have still a few things that need to be settled. I had hoped to close these unfinished chapters, leave some things behind. Then depart again. Away from all this. From these people. I had done it all when you were away. There is no coming back from that."
"You had hoped?" he caught me by the word. "But now?"
"But right now? Right now, I do not have it in me to even move," I murmured back. Also, in the matter of degree of truth and falsehood, it was somewhere in between. I was way past the threshold, and the risk of losing control over my limbs became a painful possibility.
"Nor do I, but I suspect for a different reason." He mused. "Would you take rest in the Chapterhouse?"
"I cannot. You law bars me from it," I countered levelly wondering how much he had heard.
"Arkaine has been removed. I am the Steward of the keep now. It is my choice whom enters and exits."
"It still bars someone who once stood with the Zhentarim, the Ebon Blade and the Hunters of Vengeance, does it not?" only a hint of hesitation poured into my otherwise flat tone. I watched him like a hawk, searching for signs of disgust, disappointment, repulsion - there were none. Instead, he reached out to place his palm against my cheek. The instinct and a deeply rooted habit urged me to move away but there needed to be balance, and if I wished to help him regain any sort of tranquility, recoiling was not an option.
"Not in this case," he knew where the scars were even as they were hidden under the illusion projected by the pins and when his fingertips came in contact with them, I had to swallow the panic rising in my gut.
"You sure about that?" I asked trying to maintain some measure of stoicism. "I do not want to cost you their respect, or position. You are building something which is still fragile."
"I am quite sure, Eleanor. Though if you do not wish to, I understand," it was his turn to treat me as if I was about to deconstruct.
"I do not have anywhere else to go. I cannot look at him right now. I cannot return to the Hunters' compound. And I cannot be there," with a tilt of my head I indicated the city.
"Then stay here for the night. You may have the rack in my office. I promise I will not disturb you."
I had not set foot in that building since before the Talonite War ended. The last time I was there was when they accused you of crimes you never committed. I knew I should not have said yes, but what else was there? I offered a stiff nod.
"Gratitude," he murmured and led me toward the gate that had been closed to me since even before my fall. "Welcome to the Radiant Heart Chapterhouse."

The place which stood for everything I no longer was swallowed me whole. A pang of dread and contempt scraped against my throat. Steward's word was the only thing that remained a protective barrier between them and me. Too exhausted to argue, too determined to make sure my self-imposed duty was fulfilled, and too focused on keeping it together, I let him pull me into to the belly of the righteous beast. Marshall's quarters were smaller, more austere than I had anticipated, and they reminded me of Lysander's. For once, I felt I was in the right time and place to pass on the blade. On a nearby desk, I laid down the sword wrapped in linen and strapped with a few feet worth of thong. Once stripped bare, I could not help but feel a tinge of regret; so many months had passed since I saw it last.

"It is something I have an obligation to pass on. A need to pass on."
"We remain similar. Althea's knighting ceremony was today. I gifted her my blade."
"And now it is yours if you will have it."
"May I ask why?" his eyes shifted away from the sword.
"I lost the right and the ability to wield it. I would be dishonorable if I kept it as it must be passed on. It deserves a purpose. And a person who will respect not just its history, its properties, but also the responsibility that comes with it. Moreover, when your service comes to an end, or when you reach the point when you know that it is time to pass the blade to your squire, it is your prerogative to do so."

With the sword safely tucked into the baldric across his back, Marshall readied himself to leave and I glared at him incredulously. If he thought that leaving me alone in this room, in this building was a bright idea, the realization of how much dread I was experiencing must have been lost on him. My suggestion was to simply have him take the bed, and I would camp out on the floor. It was better than where I had been sleeping for the past tendays.

"I would not want to suggest anything improper, Eleanor... But I think I would prefer to take the floor with you, tonight," he raised his hand. "I will keep my hands to myself."
"Improper," the idea amused me. "It is not like I expect you to be any less than proper."
"Ironically, I suppose, I have had to restrain myself from embracing you, and pressing my lips to yours several times now."

The blood in my veins ran cold, and for a beat, I could not move. I had to remind myself where I was and with whom and just go through the motions. Marshall resumed setting up some blankets on the floor as though whatever he said was perfectly natural - my mind drifted to Rania.

"Did my admission disturb you?"
"Surprised me," I pulled the hood down, unclasped my cloak and folded it neatly.
"The whirlwind surrounding us was rather... intense. I admit that for more than one moment, I thought of simply losing myself in the gesture. I suspect I paused because I did not know how you would react."

This moment reminded me of every time Dunn was between women. Neither of them seemed to be capable of entertaining a thought that I was not interested in being someone’s consolation prize. I put Marshall's outrageous notion on the carb of having been through something traumatic today.

"On an average day, I would have reacted with violence out of habit. Once I almost tore Dunn's arm off when he put his hands on me."
"Well, I suppose I should have been more bold. Because today was certainly not an average day," the implication of my words was lost on him.
"No more surprises for today. I do not think I can handle another one."
"Mm. You are right of course."

Before sleep came, we spoke more about all that had happened and what it meant to him. I warned him about questioning his purpose and existence too much and too soon after this ordeal. However, even as he claimed this came over him as a result of the revelations of yesterday, I could not quite shake off the feeling that he was not honest with himself, not entirely. The question of how long it would take him to regain balance lingered in my head. The proximity induced agitation took a while to dissipate. The time spent down South and living among Kat's people gave me some measure of control over the instincts that usually would have me running away. As the Paladin drifted into much-deserved sleep, my thoughts - ever-consistent in their little nighttime habit - turned to the Tyrant in the North.





(((OOC Credits:
Soundtrack: Julien Marchal, Insight XXX
Dialog extracted from the chatlog: FearBeforeTheFlames as Alexander Marshall, BattleBee47 as Althea Hartell, Shorn as Uriel Valenal.
Revision & Proofreading: A.