Never Again Forget - Saint Merielle Silene

[LeslieMS]

//Better late than never!//

[SEVENTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

I am starting to think the druids may not be out of their minds about all this balance stuff. It makes sense, and it becomes so readily obvious if one merely -looks- at the whole of things. For every good there is evil, every darkness there is light, every gain comes at a loss, for every hello… there is a good bye. Life turns in an endless cycle of oppositions, an ebb and flow that all at once offers peaceful waters, and to drown you. Life is strange that way. Frighteningly beautiful… And so we live, each action and reaction rippling across the surface, some resounding and gaining strength, some getting lost amid the roll and break and others stirring the currents far beneath.

Despite every moment of weakness, despair, pain… It is worth it. You cannot have one without the other, cannot understand this without that. It is the way of things. It is a fact I have ceased to question. There must be the negative, any of it… all of it, and I must seek the positive. Every scrap and smidgen of it is vital. As I face the trials before me, walk through fear and darkness, every pain, each nightmare, exists that I may stand before it and endure. There is always light. In faith there is strength, in hope there is light. The darkness may not be fully banished, but if we endure, hold that precious truth, Mercy will prevail.

Elrith’s memories have returned to her. A gladdening thing indeed, though I haven’t had time to speak with her of such things yet. She found me as I walked. Her words were few. I struggled to understand why these memories that were so selfishly taken, were so freely given back. She spoke of a dark place in the Cloakwood, deep in the shadows of ancient trees. As she cautioned me of danger I assured her that did not matter. A promise is a promise, and I wasn’t going to let her face it alone. So on we walked… I could not help but feel that something was not right about the whole thing. She did not know how they had returned to her, only that they had… I was left to wonder the why of it…

The sense of unease grew as we walked. I had not realized how consumed in my thoughts that I had been until we stood before a dark cave. Elrith hesitated. I wonder if in that moment she held the same heart clenching fear I did? Even as the sun set, and the shadows lengthened, night came… In the shade of these mighty trees not even the barest glimmers of moonlight seemed to reach the ground. The darkness. It seemed alive. It reached for Elrith and I, clawing at us as we stood there. Some cruel malignance waited there… I could feel it. I looked to Elrith and she to me. As a whispered prayer for guidance and protection left my lips, Elrith took a deep breath. She had clung to my hand the length of our walk, as though we would be lost to each other if she let go… In truth… it was some nameless fear that kept me from drawing away, though I feared her grip might break my fingers. Whatever we were walking into… Mercy be with us. Not once have I seen this brave warrior woman hesitate… Not once have I seen her with such fear in her eyes, and I prayed…

As we walked, even with my sturdiest prayers, the darkness was thick… suffocating so much so that it was as if the fear that set our hearts to race had taken form, drawing the light away from us. Our steps were slow, measured and careful. Elrith walked purposeful. The path we needed to take mapped in her mind. There were others in the tunnels, though I was only vaguely aware of them. My thoughts were now focused on this dark void that had formed before us The shimmering wall of energy that blocked our way and the pool that bubbled and boiled, filling the air with a sickening fog. We were trapped it seemed. I contemplated leaving until Elrith told me that facing this was the only way to save Aloria. Fear or no… I had made an oath to help her, no matter what. I would walk the Hells at her side, for indeed she has done so for me.

The void spoke… but there were many voices… not the voice of the thing which torments Elrith so, not the voice of I or Elrith, not of the others there in the tunnels… No these voices… There were so many! The clamor was deafening. A chorus of anguish and suffering that wrenched our hearts and brought us to our knees. I fought to comfort the others, lend them strength and courage, and fought the sorrow and pain that threatened to overtake me… but my victory was fleeting.

A voice… so full of anguish and suffering. I shuddered violently. I clung to Elrith and tried desperately to focus. Aloria’s spirit was with us and she spoke to Elrith of what needed be done. I heard Loik taunting the void. I heard Anderick screaming at the voices. There was even one who spoke with the void… passing conversation as if it were some passerby in the market. I wanted to hear Aloria’s words. I wanted to chide Loik’s arrogance. I wanted to soothe Anderick’s mind. I even wanted to know who this unnerving figure was, and what darkness he held that would allow him to so converse with such blackened evil. I wanted to ease the suffering of the women who called to us… to ease the suffering of the one who called to me… All I could do was stand, wracked by sorrows that I could not put into words… and pray.

Anie of Ilmater. She told me of her service to the Crying God, how it had lead her to face this creature who now imprisoned her. She begged for mercy that could not find her. She cried in vain to the Broken One. I felt her pain as her hopes were shed from her, as her anguish multiplied to some unspeakable magnitude. She whispered to me fears and pains that no soul could have the sufferance to bear, and yet she was… alone… My quest may be to aid Elrith… to keep a promise to help her sister… But now Sister, Now I promise not to leave you there at the cruelties of this monstrosity. Mercy will be yours, Mercy will prevail… You will know the arms of Ilmater once again.

The rest of it was a blur. There was fighting, there was banter, threats and insults… there were many words that passed through me without leaving a mark. Eventually we made our way to Beregost to find rest and come to terms with what we had witnessed.

Esen was waiting on me when we arrived at the Feldepost inn. He had been making his good byes. A trip to Amn, to see his family. He had been summoned for some unknown purpose… and indefinitely. For the first time in a long time we exchanged words without resorting to biting remarks or indignant anger. He has long been a dear friend in spite of his misplaced anger of late. Still it was not a time for misgivings or arguments. Bane or blessing our friendship has been a good thing in my eyes. I know in the back of my mind it might have been something more than that, if I had allowed such a thing. But I did not. A trinket passed, a hug and plenty of well wishes… promises to return or write, on both sides, and whether or not they will be kept is to time for revelation. I hope he finds what he seeks out there, that Mercy guides him, and joy is his to be had. That which fades from view does not always fade so easily from memory. In the end, things work out how they will, and I am content that it is the way they should be.

I came down to find Elrith, Ian and Phillip passing conversations. Wine was handed all around, and toasts were made. Bearing in mind my promise to mind my drinks, I let the cheer of the moment wrap around my heart. There is seldom need for tearful good byes, it is enough to keep in mind the fond memories. Elrith proposed a toast in Esen’s honor, and we all began to enjoy the evening.

It was short lived… the turn of events to come would leave me walking long hours seeking reprieve from the shadows of my own mind. Slowly the tavern grew quiet. The normal bustle of conversation gave way to wary glances and hushed whispers. One by one the tavern emptied quietly. The four of us sensed unease, and looks to those that shared the table all conveyed the same question: What was going on?

Mr. Feldepost explained that today was a memorial of sorts. As Elrith and I passed knowing looks, the tale continued, and was sounding uncomfortably familiar. A young woman named Anne further added to our knowledge by recounting the chilling loss of her sister. Further more… she seems further tormented by this Bahl’hal creature even years after the incident. My heart flies to her plight. Any time I enquire of this creature I hear twisted stories of Shar’s Favored Drow going astray, and along the path to what he is now, there is a trail of suffering that wrenches my soul. There are undead, deals with demons, cruelties and fears and victims too numerous to number. I still wonder why Elrith’s memories were returned to her… Something about it feels… wrong. This creature must be stopped somehow…

We sat contemplating the tale long after we were left to our thoughts and our wine… But not for long. Fear danced over our skin leaving goose bumps and a chill in the air. We had a guest at our table… and he did not seek wine and dinning. The room went dark, a darkness like nothing I have ever seen. I could not dispel it either. -Its- voice, the darkness, The voice was the darkness, for it rolled through it, in it… The voice of that creature was in the whole of things… in our minds. I heard the others fight against this thing as it beckoned us to give to it our fears… We fought against it, and as I stumbled through the darkness to help the others, I felt it with me as well. I fought it as tendrils of darkness clawed at my mind. I tried desperately to find the others… to comfort them, sturdy them against whatever this thing was doing.

The thing tore into my mind… deeply… to those thoughts that I work so hard to hide from. I thrashed against it as it dragged those memories to the surface. The pain that wracked my body left me weak. I felt… Fear and darkness… thick and palpable. I could see the horrors of the past before me so clearly it was as though I was still there. Wrapped tightly around my heart were the screams of anguish from the others… I felt the creature’s amusement at my pain, not only in my past but in that I was helpless to aid the others. It was a violation on a level that would bring envy to the Illithid. As the cruel thing and the darkness receded from us we were left weakened and drained. It took the last remnants of my will power to make the others whole before I collapsed in the nearest chair.

Loik was there. If ever anyone thought trouble followed me like a shadow in the sunlight, it was her. I could barely muster the energy to speak much less tend my own wounds. Wordlessly I allowed her to tend my wounds. Finally we mustered the strength to walk from the inn. The others sought sunlight and joy in light of the darkness we had faced… if their minds are like my own… still faced. I wanted answers. I needed answers. If this thing was to be stopped, and it must… I had to know as much as possible. I prayed for guidance and made my reasons to walk my own path and left the others. I sought answers… I sought stones and shade.

I would find many stones and much shadow, and I would find surprisingly, and temporary measure of peace amid the cold winds and starlit paths. The mention of the name Bahl’hal is met with fearful glances, and the web of this one is twisted far more than I realized. Mind and body exhausted, I took the peace offered, even from so unlikely a thing and I rested a while. Later that night as I crawled into bed… I left the lantern lit… There would be no peaceful sleep this night… There would be darkness and cruelty. Each time I woke with my heart pounding and covered in sweat, I strengthened my resolve. He must be stopped. The mercy of a quick end would be his, and mercy most earned would go to those he torments. Mercy will prevail… I will see to that. Ilmater guide me in these places where night is blind, and to drink of it is to surrender to the darkest parts of ourselves… where dream and nightmare are one. Let me not loose my way, guide my steps, in strength of Faith and light of Hope… Let me see this through.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[SEVENTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

Blast it all! Mercy of Mercies! Is it forever deemed that I shall face such narrow mindedness? Blast it all! How can I keep Billy both safe and so far from home? Arrogance! Whose brilliant idea is it to put narrow minded fools in places of power? Ilmater forgive me… I should not be angry. I am less angry than frustrated. How can they be so blind? Some battles cannot be won. Sometimes retreat is needed. Had something not been done we would all be wandering the planes in miserable suffering, strung about like so many foolish puppets! Instead -everyone- walks away! And it cost me nothing more than time… For now. Time and home…

‘You cannot be trusted Merielle, the ban on you from the city stays.’

There is nothing that can be done for it. I can only pray that the others use what time they have been granted to seek this creatures end. Ilmater… give me the strength, grant me the will. I don’t know what is to come… I only know what I have prevented. Forgive me because I know I should give freely, expecting nothing in return, but I would at least rather get nothing, no gratitude, as opposed to what I did find.

As they walked away, some were angry, some lectured, some stared in unease… even loathing. Several were actually worried for my well being. Though I think now, being further banished from the city, that there is not one who has not spoken crossly, save for Elrith and Ian. My faith is questioned, my motive, my actions, my thoughts. Ilmater! I haven’t the patience for this! Forgive this humble servant, I beg you. Should I have left them all to die? Let them die so that this thing may further add the innocents to his collections? No! Blast them all! We are the only thing that stands between that thing, Bahl’hal and those who cannot protect themselves. I could not let so many undeserved walk through such darkness. Perhaps if I had, if they understood… If they feared that darkness where night is blind, perhaps they would see why I did what I did. It was a small sacrifice in retrospect. If they feared… feared as I did… they would be glad it was I and not they…

So much death and darkness! So much pain… Perhaps that first day I entered that place with Elrith… perhaps that night the creature rend my fears from my mind… it made me sensitive to it. I felt it stir and twist. Many did. That first wave… So much suffering. Anie’s screams the loudest of all… Their agony, all of them, each soul entrapped by the thing, was mine… more so did I suffer for it in the fact that I could do nothing to comfort those screams that echoed through the halls of that labyrinth.

I died there in that place… and the fear, the cold, dead hopeless fear that consumed me then. A fear like that… such darkness… I have never known… not even in my first years in the depths of the Underdark. I found my resolve difficult to hold… I felt laid open and bare. My most careful defenses stripped away from me. I thought I would crumple beneath the weight of it. I would be spared such, surprisingly by a ring made of my own hair… Wythran had made the trinket, and while many questions ran through my mind there was no time to contemplate it. We needed to get out. Away…

‘I could stop this somehow…?’

The hesitant question rolled through my mind… Could I? Had I the strength? I needn’t decide then. We would retreat back to Candlekeep. Barely would we have time to order our masses before an emissary of the one named Soulblight. The undead offered to go in against Bahl’hal so long as we followed behind to finish the job. The undead of course would not be trusted, but they offered to us the return of something very precious: Aloria. I would raise her at Candlekeep. We would find that in not accepting the undead’s offer was a mixed deal. Yes Glaive intended to try to keep a piece of the creature Bahl’hal’s body, to raise him, but it also meant that Glaive’s strength of numbers would not be added to Bahl’hal’s. The majority were willing to accept the risk, but the minority would not, and negotiations would crumble. Either way, Aloria was with us again.

We planned then. We would launch another attack. Anie’s words would haunt me, and I would speak with Noric. That conversation would be for another time. We had a plan, find the portal, find the creature’s body and destroy it… use the portals to find all his pieces and destroy them. We were nearly three dozen strong. Surely we could not fail. Still… The worst I would find yet to come…

We went in, confident. Sure and prepared. We were ready for victory. We were fools. One does not walk into the lion’s den, especially when invited. It was not difficult for us to be scattered… Doors that opened limited passage, carefully placed foes. Everywhere around us there was death. I could not channel fast enough, stitch quick enough. We were running blind, confused, we were falling. All around from all directions… from every crevice there were screams of pain and suffering without end. We desperately began trying to regroup. Though our regrouping was more a gathering of fallen friends. Less than half of us made it back to the daylight reaches… I exhausted nearly all of myself raising nearly more a dozen. We caught our breath and planned to go in and gather the others, we would not leave any to the cruelties in that place.

As we made our way in trying to gather everyone, we faced not only the foes we have faced thus far but the undead of Glaive’s army. We were doomed to fail before ever we started. I watched helplessly as they died, and I had not the strength to draw them back. My bandages and supplies nearly spent, I watched… Desperately they fought against foes that would not fall to the most practiced blades, the strongest spells, the enemy pounded through the greatest defenses. Here we were a band of nearly three dozen strong, among them the most seasoned of the region… and we were failing…

Was it some sense of cruelty that I stayed standing? That the final blow was never landed? Was I doomed to watch them all die? To hear them all suffer endlessly? No! Mercy of Mercies! No!
Thoughts poured from my mind… and they were answered…

‘Why?’

A cruel sing song laugh danced through my mind.

‘Stop this! What do you want?!’

The answer echoed through my mind as quickly as I formed the questioning thought. I felt my blood chill. I looked around. The noise quieted. Things moved slowly. I watched, unable to move as they fell wounded or dead around me. There was no way anyone would walk from this, and that thing would still have what it wanted and then some. I could deny him some of that. Maybe even save them… Gods ask of me anything, that they would live to fight another day, to win when the battle favored us.

‘What say you?’

The cold question danced through my mind, seeming to float atop the currents of fear that ran through me. I closed my eyes and whispered a prayer. I prayed from my very core. My mind drew the image of daisies up from the black depths that had invaded my mind. I smiled inwardly if only briefly. There was hope. I felt myself grow completely calm in that moment. I knew Ilmater was with me… knew what I must do. I nodded.

‘So be it.’

Even as the voice echoed through my mind I heard the fighting stop in an instant. That same instant I felt myself sink rapidly through the darkness… even the darkness calmed, the calls of the suffering paused. I found myself standing before a large formless shadow. I had been granted an audience. I felt so utterly calm as I spoke.

‘They all go free, unharmed and made whole. Out of this place. In exchange for what?’

It wanted my time, though to what purpose it would not say directly. Perhaps I really didn’t want the answer. We continued our negotiations. By the end of it, I had given up a small thing in comparison to what I had gained. Everyone would walk away from here, all the others, whole, unharmed, returned to a state of completeness and released from this place. The thing even reassured it would not interfere with my other duties. I watched as the others were drawn from death and various points within the labyrinth and we concluded our terms. I laid mine out specifically and was unwilling to agree to anything until such terms were met.

‘Of course. You would not agree to anything otherwise.’

As it spoke I heard the others protesting, some even encouraged I take the deal, without even knowing what that deal was. Some looked on me with anger, some with sadness… Elrith and Ian and Myhun proved the most difficult to get to go. Still, I stood calmly reassuring them. Some applauded my bravery… if that is what it can be called. In the back of my mind even -I- questioned my sanity and actions. In my heart of hearts… I knew this was the only way. Finally though, everyone had stepped to through the portal and no doubt ended near the entrance.

I leveled a gaze at the thing before me.

‘Are they all out?’

‘They are all safe and unharmed.’

I smiled at the creature and shook my head.

‘That is not what I asked.’

‘Very perceptive.’

So we waited until they were all out, safe, whole before the more specific details were ironed out. It was a dangerous path I walked with my words, I dared not allow for misstep, so my words were chosen with slow care. It asked such a simple thing. Time. My time… I prayed as I studied the creature, that the others could find a way to stop this thing before I ran -out- of time…

As I looked on a figure stepped from the shadow. A twisted undead thing and it spoke:

‘What an intriguing heart beat.’

It mused as it studied me. I said nothing, raising a brow, waiting for it to explain. The shadow spoke next.

‘I admire your mental fortitude… intrigued by it.’

I looked between these two things that spoke as one. This evil thing even enjoyed playing puppet with its own body! It explained the intricacies of the relationship between body and shadow and the vampire spoke again.

‘Others in our presence, their heart beats…’
He clapped rather rapidly, imitating the rhythm. He stepped closer to me. Close enough I could smell the fetid un-death that he was, and willed my self unflinching. It smiled at me as it spoke.
‘But yours…’
He clapped slowly, steadily. It nearly unnerved me that the clap indeed matched my own rhythm.
‘Intriguing indeed.’
The thing mused and stepped back into the shadowed form in front of me.

Wryly, when the thing asked for my time, and I asked him for what, suggesting tea. To my surprise it was content with such a thing. I laughed then. I truly was mad perhaps… tea? The shadow stated it could not drink tea however, I chuckled again offering more wit. Indeed humor was a good defense in this I think.

‘Its alright, I can drink enough for two.’

When I was sure everything was as in order as it could be, all humor and sarcasm aside… The deal was struck, finalized and sealed. I would then step through a portal much like the one the others exited. I would walk utterly and completely exhausted from the darkness to the light. Not all were there waiting, just a few. Elrith and Ian, very worried, a couple others, and Myhun, steeping deeply in his distrust. His words were sharp, though then I hardly cared. They asked what the deal was and I nearly laughed then:

‘He wants tea.’

It really was rather amusing. So small a thing for the lives of the others… no doubt I would have to dance rather carefully that I do not step off this narrow ledge I am upon. We walked with intention of finding rest soon thereafter. I could not even make it two steps on my own. Elrith carried me, but even in that, I was so truly spent from everything that we made a temporary makeshift camp there in the wood.

I thought to the moment I emerged from that cave into the light. One other time in my life I walked away from deepest dark, from Drow and worse. One other time I exited nightmares on borrowed freedom. It was a matter of time before Matron Baenund found me… and I imagined it would be much sooner that I would be called to return to the darkness for tea. The irony was not lost on me as I sat in the soft grass under Selah and Elrith’s watchful eyes. Thoughts danced through my mind, danced with shadows of the past as I drifted into a sleep so deep that I would remember nothing until I woke at Candlekeep.

There would be more conversation. I would even seek a meal. I would find little support for my actions, save for a few. It weighted my heart, but I knew I acted rightly, and would not sway from such. As I ate my food as quickly as politely possible, overwhelming thoughts of homesickness washed through me as I knew I still would not be allowed to step foot in my temple… My home…

Ian spoke encouragingly, and there was more conversation, but it was not long before sadness and exhaustion overtook me again and I sought rest… Aloria is returned, Elrith’s memories returned, Anie is free of Bahl’hal, everyone lives to fight another day, and for now the beast is contained. Not a bad day if you look at it that way… Ilmater keep your hand at my back… I fear… Be with this servant, help her stand… Mercy prevail! Prevail because of will alone, for there is no other end but the one Ilmater seeks.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[SEVENTY-NINETH ENTRY]

I can barely order my thoughts as I stare at the boy who sleeps so close by. There are no more tears, not even anger. I am not sure which was more maddening. I shall do my best to bring order to these last few days. I want to remember them. Remember so that when the time to act as the Hand of Mercy comes, I know why I offer the mercy of a quick death. Likely I could never forget such a thing, branded to my soul. I will see it set right. In the end of all things there is Mercy.

I cannot count the span of hours between events… perhaps days. I could not truly say. How long has it been since I stood before darkness itself and struck a deal to end the suffering? Doesn’t matter I suppose. The others finally understand at least… Even Myhun, who has granted me passage to and from the city again. They understand, and I hope now, they can do something… anything. In the meantime… My faith is my strength.

I remember going to bed… but not to sleep… I remember the darkness well. Truly it asks me for time. Surprisingly, the creature has some sense of honor. At some point as we discussed Anie’s sufferings, his sufferings and even Mercy, there were two voices. In that blinding darkness I could not see faces… I don’t even think they were in the room. My entreaties for the well being of the pair did not fall on deaf ears, and they were allowed to go.

‘I spare them for your sake.’

I must say I was surprised to see mercy from such a thing, and yet he has done so more than once now. Mercy prevails, even in one such as this. That is the strength of such a thing. Mercy. That which truly is at the end of all things. Still I cannot help but be unnerved by it. It is not so much fear as it is the caution one shows to a cornered, starving animal. You can offer food, you can back away and leave it be… but you dare not drop your guard or turn your back. Through the course of our conversing, I touched on a tender wound. There was no room for fear in that darkness. I managed to keep my wits, and did not let the creature sway my faith. I sense it is trying to find fault with my logic. I don’t understand what motivates the creature… and I am not sure I want to.

I do not know if I angered it, or if it ran out of arguments, but it left me abruptly without further words. The path open to me, I walked from shadow to daylight. I found my self in the middle of the woods, and as I blinked in the bright sunlight that sifted through the trees I was confused. Had I dreamed it? Was I still? I looked down, and saw that I was in my night robes. At least I had the sense to grab my over coat and not go walking through the shadows in my nightshift. That would have been most embarrassing. My thoughts drifted in a confused pattern as I sought to gain my bearings and piece together what had actually happened. It seemed the day light confused my thoughts nearly as well as it confused the shadows.

It would be a long walk back to Beregost, and a quiet one. The mud and dirt of the road… the grass… it all felt strange on my bare feet. The morning light seemed a strange contrast to the shadow of the night. I still had not really ordered my thoughts as I reached the inn. It was mostly empty and I sat still and quiet. The others arrived and asked many questions. I answered what I could, but still could not make much sense. I went and changed quickly realizing I was still in my night clothes, and as I came back down I found my mind clearer. Also though… it seemed the sharp questions of the others begun to bother me. There is no pleasing some, even when you offer them life and a chance for victory. It was my temper that would compel me from the inn… From shadowed dream to waking nightmare.

A messenger would reach me and deliver news that I thought at the time would end me. They had taken Dianne! I was frightened by the ferocity of anger, the depth of pain and grief the news brought. It shattered my calm and scattered what little control I had over my thoughts. I cannot remember the specifics for a long while. Emotion… running deep and swift in such currents… I thought surely I would drown in it if my tears did not drown me first.

For a moment… I lost my path. I heard the words of the others. Watched almost separately as they tried to reach through my anguish and draw me back up into the light of hopes and truths I so fiercely cling to. I heard my own words return to me from the lips of so many. I know my words and actions were harsh and uncalled for in my pain I lashed blindly… I pray there is mercy enough for them to forgive my misstep.

And as they planned I could muster little to no strength… I could not find focus… and there came a point when there were not even tears enough for the sadness that wracked me. Never had I suffered so… I did not think I could bear it. Every time I thought there was no greater pain than that which I had already seen, I was harshly disproved.

Eventually I was left to my own thoughts as the others sought action or sleep, I could summon the will for neither. I sat there staring at an untouched tea cup. The worried gazes of the regular tavern patrons filled with sympathy. My thoughts were indeed somber and I found that those thoughts danced to a rather desolate melody. A quiet voice that drifted through those pains, barely heard, words at first not apparent, but as it continues its succession through my uneasy thoughts, I find I grow used to this strange lullaby and loath it at the same time:

"Child of the wilderness,
Born into emptiness,
Learn to be lonely.
Learn to find your way in darkness.

Who will be there for you?
Comfort and care for you?
Learn to be lonely,
Learn to be your one companion.

Never dream that out in the world,
There are arms to hold you.
You've always known
Your heart was on it's own.

So laugh in your loneliness,
Child of the wilderness,
Learn to be lonely,
Learn to love life that is lived alone.

Learn to be lonely,
Learn to be your one companion.
Never dream that out in the world
There are arms to hold you.
You've always known
Your heart was on it's own.

So laugh in your loneliness
Child of the wilderness.
Learn to be lonely.
Learn how to love life that is lived alone."

Even those deep and shadowed thoughts would be interrupted by a whisper in the darkness. A groveled whisper whose intent was as sharp as any blade.

‘You would be wise to heed our message. The choice is in your hands now Merielle. One will die… one will live…’

And as the cold chuckle moved away from me toward the door my anger sparked from deep within me, and fear danced along my spine. I screamed at the speaker, gaining only worried looks from the others present. No doubt they thought I had lost my mind. Maybe I had, I thought as I walked briskly up to the stairs to the room where Billy slept. I stood there quickly closing the door behind me, and I watched him sleep. My heart was so full of anguishes, the could not be numbered. Don’t ask me to chose! If there is mercy at all don’t! it was as much a desperate prayer as an anguished plea.

To my horror I saw Billy shift as though moved by an unseen hand.

‘GET AWAY!’

I screamed as I pulled Billy away from whatever or who ever was present, drawing him close.

A cruel chuckle as a familiar figure stepped from the shadows.

‘Or what Merielle?’

It was he, the bastard Hin who ate at my table, defiled my alter, led Billy astray, led him to draw the blood of another. Emrys was right. The little fiend was one of Bhaal’s for gone was his normal garb, and instead he wore the robes of Bhaal’s own. Too many emotions and far too many thoughts ran through me, and for once I wished there was the normal comings and goings of so many… But I was alone. He stood there mocking me from across the bed. In fact he was very much enjoying his game. I fought for some semblance of control to deny him his pleasure at my expense. My resolve was as frayed as my thoughts, and I found it difficult to stand on solid footing.

‘I was right all along!’

He laughed coldly as he studied me. I held to Billy as if he were life itself, and in a way… I suppose he is.

‘The boy WILL be ours Merielle. Why fight it?’

‘No.’

More laughter. If I didn’t have to risk letting go of Billy I would strike the laughter from him. I had not known I was capable of feeling such anger at a being… I had never truly known hate… not even as I suffered under Drow lash… But I -hated- this one. With every fiber in me I hated him. Ilmater forgive me…

‘You and your weak god cannot stop this. The Lord will have his vessel.’

‘No! You won’t win this!’

That laugh! I begged anyone to walk through the door… I prayed.

‘Your time is growing short. You have a choice to make. The boy… or the girl…’

‘You can’t expect anyone of right mind to make such a choice! I can’t…’

‘I can and I do.’

He said nothing further as darkness and his cruel chuckle filled the room. I clung to Billy as tightly as I could without waking or harming him.

‘You are a bastard. BASTARDS!’

I screamed at the darkness until it faded… My anger a thin façade for my sadness and the tears that threatened to consume me. I prayed as I rocked him. If ever I needed guidance… if ever I needed strength… Ilmater please! I fought tears then, but could not hold them back indefinitely. Truthfully I was amazed there still tears to fall from me… it felt like I was shedding pieces of my soul… Mercy sought me then… a much needed balm to my heart. I felt cradled within it as I clung to Billy. To cry on the shoulder of Ilmater… and he spoke, offering me the strength to endure. Readying me for what was to come.

‘Let your Faith be your strength my child. Mercy will prevail over the darkness. Stay strong my Chosen. Things will be harder before they are made easier. Hold your faith close to you and your loved ones. It will be the beacon of light through the darkness.’

My tears stopped and I prayed. More difficult than this? Walk with me then Ilmater. Keep your hand at my back that I do not fail us all. My prayers had nearly calmed me, and my tears had stopped. I began to settle slowly, lulled by the rocking motion. It had been days since I had had proper rest…

A loud Banging on the door would remedy the drowsiness. I jumped nearly so far that Billy and I nearly fell off the bed.

‘YOUR TIME GROWS SHORT! YOU KNOW WHAT MUST BE DONE!’

The yell and maniacally cruel laughter came from the other side of the door. I screamed at the voice and shoved the wardrobe in front of the door. I prayed that perhaps someone downstairs would hear the commotion and investigate. Instead I was left with a back and forth between the tormentor on the other side of the door. I dared not leave Billy. I took to reciting prayers and edicts quietly. The words of Ilmater ran through my mind as I sought to keep the madness I felt so close to at bay.

Cat would come to visit hearing my screams at the man… At first I feared this would be like so many of our other exchanges, but despite her crassness… she offered a form of peace. She expected an oath I could not give. It is not Mercy’s way to strike first, or to hold to prejudice. She left food and drink and turned on her heel. Without my oath to kill all she feels is evil, she withdrew her aid. I sighed as she left. I could not muster the strength to eat, though after two days I probably should… still I did not. Instead I sought to occupy my rattled mind. Too restless to sleep, to weary for much else… I dared not leave Billy alone. I chattered to myself. I worked to distract my thoughts and focused on some needle point work. Eventually the night turned to day, and everything went quiet. I finally let myself lay down, though I still did not let Billy go… troubled thoughts… and a song weaving through them… I finally fell into a restless and uneasy sleep plagued by fears and nightmares I dare not dwell my waking hours on.

Mercy grant me strength… Ilmater be with us… Guide us… Protect them in my stead… I beg the strength to endure, the will to complete my tasks. I will endure. In the end there is only Mercy… Mercy prevails even over darkness such as this…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTIETH ENTRY]

Time… Time! I am starting to hate it. Either there isn’t enough of it or someone demands it. Worse still I feel I am losing my mind. I can’t sleep, and if I do, I don’t want to. The thought of Dianne with them alone… I would rend the temple to the ground, sunder their alters if I thought it would do any good! What bothers me is every trick we have to offer, the enemy could pull on us in turn. Now it seems, they know where we are. We should make haste, but I grow increasingly worried for Selah.

Was that Dianne’s scream heard over the din of battle? What was that thing that attacked us? I don’t know much about scrying, but I really never knew it was a two way thing, though it makes sense. It leaves her eyes bleeding and for a frightening period of time she was in some strange trance…

‘Take care when scrying for them my child… It is dangerous. I have saved you this time.’

Selah was quick to defend Ilmater then in the questions of the others. For indeed I had feared while we had fallen that thing could take him. Mercy of Mercies, my lord that you are always with me. I wonder: Is this the time for subterfuge or battle? The choices we face have such grave and dire consequence I fear to choose.

Choose. I hate that word nearly so much as I hate time. I long for simpler days. My biggest choice used to be whether or not to make honey cake or carrot cake… to choose which to draw, the mountains or the meadows? So much trouble of late, and so many choices. Why is it mine to decide who lives or dies? I am a healer not a God! Oh I will make my choice. My choice is that they both live. That they live to choose their own paths. I choose that any thing I have… Any thing that is mine to give… I would give, save these two children. I will not give them up. Not that which is so dear. This is agony… Madness! My anger, I find it hard to sway, to disperse. The greatest test of my faith will be in allowing my enemy to die a merciful death when in my heart I wish them even a portion of this. That is not the way of mercy… By my hand death will be swift and the suffering ended.

Choices… Titles… All these things I feel are not mine to take. I am called Lady, Chosen, Favored… I would be content with Friend. To see so many come today out to Beregost to offer aid to my cause… this cause which has become the mantle of so many… It is simultaneously heart warming and terrifying. Who am I to ask that they suffer for a war with my God? May Ilmater’s mercy remember these fondest of all. So many that I call dear friends. You have blessed me in this. I wonder if they know how dear they each are. Do they know that it is this which makes these choices so difficult. Willing as they may be… I dare not seek to recklessly put them in harms way. I am fortunate Selah can forgive exactly that… Her burden is greater now for want of helping me, and I owe her deeply.

For now Dianne lives. Ilmater be with her please, guide my hand to her that I may keep her safe. Grant me these two children Ilmater and I would ask you for nothing more in all my days. My heart wants for little, but it asks for this most of all. We have laid many plans out. The rest seem fondest of a trick trade, frankly the whole thing makes me squeamish. I hate that they have the upper hand. All the mercies in the world will not save the Bhaalists if anything happens to her! Ilmater forgive me for in that I know I would fail… I would fall from Mercy in my wrath. Keep me on my narrow path, guide my steps and be with me. The time to act will come soon.

I cannot waver through pain, through shadow, through fear, through all I must stand and endure… I only pray I am strong enough…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-FIRST ENTRY]

No matter what we face, no matter what stares us down… From the depths of the deepest dark, to the deeps of the darkest hearts… In the end there is only Mercy. Mercy in all things. We who strive to do Ilmater’s work, we who must endure, we know this. The path is never easy… but in the end… the rewards justify.

I awoke from troubled sleep sensing agitation. I rose thinking a walk would clear my mind. A sensation of movement… more like a controlled fall. I had to close my eyes and steel myself against the sensation that time itself was rushing past me. When I finally felt everything go still and tried to gather my bearings, I stood before a now familiar expanse of darkness, amid the now familiar cacophony of sufferings.

‘Your friends assail my doors again.’

‘What? Why?’

‘They seek to destroy me. I asked for mercy. They have none to give. You were wrong.’

That which seeks mercy receives mercy. Such is our path. But what form should mercy take? A painless death? A renewed life? Something between the two. I regarded this shadow in surprise. Indeed I no longer feared it. It truly sought amends for the past. The time for Mercy’s work was at hand. I sought guidance as I gazed at this dark spirit.

‘I was wrong? Mercy?’

‘They refuse to simply leave me here.’

‘You asked for mercy just now?’

‘Earlier today. If they attack I will be forced to kill them.’

‘I cannot control the actions of others, or what they believe. They think you evil for the things you have done and those you imprison.’

My heart was heavy then. The point was that they lived, that there was time to resolve this with as little death and sacrifice as possible… I think my thoughts were put to words, or perhaps the creature is so close to my mind that it knows my thoughts, for it answered me then.

‘Then Tell them. Tell them to leave.’

I agreed to try, but was confused when he sought to protect me. He feared the other would try to cause me harm. The course of what happened next was confusing, and largely unsuccessful as I tried to get the others to leave. This was not a battle of sword and spell song… this was a battle of the mind, of words… of souls. They tried to convince me to go with them, but I stood by my oath. Not only that, but I sensed a change in Bah’lhal. The exchange was tense to say the least. Then all at once it was quiet again. I paced in front of the silent shadow, wishing I knew what was going on, whether the others were safe. Unsure what to do I pleaded.

‘Can’t you simply toss them out the same way you drag me in? Do they really have to die? … … Please… In showing mercy you earn mercy…’

My pleadings continued, though I know not how much was truly heard.

‘I know that basically by their acts and statements that what I do for their sakes means little to nothing to them… but their lives are still important to me. Please just send them away. Why won’t you answer me?!’

I shouted at the spirit only to be surprised by an answering voice, Noric’s as he came through the door, the others close by.

‘Miss Williams!’

‘Why can’t you all just go? It will kill you all! Even if you do doubt me, that is something I cannot bear.’

‘Why are you here?’

‘I am -Trying- to save you all!’

‘Yes but you forget we -need- to kill him.’

‘Well you can’t kill it if you are all dead!’

How could the be so foolish? Clearly they could see that here in its own home, with its endless draw of power, they could not hope to win. And yet he stood there judging and questioning me as if -I- were the threat. I was losing control of my emotions. I could not bear to watch so many I call friend die… But the persistent ignorance was becoming frustrating. If only I could be given the time. Time to end it with as little life lost as possible… maybe even bring it to a proper end.

‘All be Damned! Just Go! Live! Fight battles you can win… do not ask me to watch you all die!’

‘I am not leaving without you.’

‘If I walk out of here you are all dead anyway! Please just go!’

‘What is he doing to you Miss Williams?!’

‘Nothing. I am perfectly safe… It doesn’t keep me indefinitely. It merely asks for a bit of time… And my time is a small sacrifice for the lives of my friends.’

‘ … I don’t believe you. Don’t be the victim, we need to help you.’

I looked on at him in frustration wondering how many were already dead… how many more would die… and I lost my temper… Ilmater forgive me…

‘I DON’T NEED HELP! I NEED YOU TO NOT DIE! … … Please just go…’

‘That won’t solve this problem.’

‘I am all but begging you not to ask me to watch you all die because you are too stubborn to just go!’

I watched in horror as they began to fall where they stood. I screamed up to the spirit Bah’lhal:

‘PLEASE… JUST MAKE THEM GO!’

Don’t kill them… said my mind as the shadows shifted and swirled claiming victims as they moved. I burst into tears.

‘ And what… What then when there are no more ways to draw you back from death? What when there is nothing left? Please… Just go…’

The look on Noric’s face nearly broke my heart as tears burned my eyes and stung my face in the cold air.

‘So much for a rescue mission.’

‘They have no mercy, not even for you.’

He whispered through my mind as great wracking sobs worked through me and my thoughts came desperately to me then.

‘But I have mercy for them…’

‘Your world is a cold dark place. A sick, twisted, hateful land.’

‘No… There is light and joy…’

I wonder as I cried, that crumpled pile on the floor if Bah’lhal saw those images of joy I drew up in my mind as I pleaded ceaselessly.

‘Your kind betrays and destroys.’

‘Not all of them… There are many of them who are good and true… Just let them go. You know they are no threat to you.’

‘Noric is clever.’

‘He is also a fool… please just let them go.’

‘You call me ‘Creature’ in your own writings. Why do you care?’

‘I know not what to call you! Shadow of Life? Undeath? What shall I call you then?

‘I am… Not dead… Not entirely. I was once flesh and blood. Your kind was even less merciful to me then.’

‘And have you given them cause for mercy then or now? He that gives also receives… Even -I- do not gain what I have not given away…’

I watched in helpless tears as more fell, one by one. Noric screamed to me over the wails of the dying:

‘Still think this was the best way to go Miss Williams?’

Gods! Would they all die just to make a point? Both sides seemed hells bent on proving me wrong. One side wished to show me that there was no mercy, the other to show that there was no mercy in the other… and between the two of them they were proving themselves. I wept and desperately my mind pleaded for it all to end.

‘PLEASE… STOP! I beg you…’

‘Your kind even betrays those you claim to ‘love’. Shatter loved me. Still she gave me over to be slain. HYPOCRITES! -All- of you!’

‘I have not known love… Not that was not mercilessly stolen away…’

Did he see my thoughts then? Of Xun? Did he know the truth of my own heart break… Is that what gave him pause? Desperately I continued to plead for the others:

‘I have not wronged you? At least I hope, not willingly or with that intent...’

‘No… you have not… But they have. I will kill -ALL- of them!’

‘Can you not grant them mercy on my behalf? Please I cannot bear their deaths. Please…?’

The killing stopped. I looked at all the fallen through swollen, tear-laden eyes. I was unaware I spoke aloud until Noric’s angry tone answered.

‘No one needed to die… least of all for my sake…’

‘No they didn’t, but you had to be -so impractical-!

I turned my angry indignation on him then. I looked squarely at Noric and all those who were fallen or gravely wounded.

‘Impractical?!’

I jerked away from Noric as he tried to drag me out with him.

‘I did the only thing I could!’

‘Don’t lie to yourself!’

‘Lie?! I do not lie. Never have I!’

A voice rippled through my thoughts as I glared to Noric, and the others gathered the dead.

‘Shatter betrayed me. The one perfect example of your kind. Nothing has changed since then!’

Even as the voice danced in my mind I could sense the hatred fading… after so long this one… was tired of so much death… So much hate… Mercy’s hand sought him even now… after so long. He faltered as he spoke to my mind:

‘I will kill … all of them… they … they are all the same.’

‘Am I so like them then? I would sooner die than bear the deaths of so many… I am duty bound to life… To save them no matter how foolish they are… To protect Billy no matter the cost… I know this… But please… please do not ask me to bear their deaths. Please… Just send them away. Cave in the door to this place… Keep them away. Please spare them.’



‘LISTEN to me Merielle. Shatter… She… Women are reprehensible snakes, vilest creatures of them all. They and those that follow them must die.’

‘I am sorry your heart was broken. The wounds will not heal if the rage is not put aside… They need not die for the actions of another… And obviously they do not follow me. They doubt my words and my actions. I cannot change that but that does not mean I wish them dead.’

‘… They … I … ‘

‘They are not she… Let them go…’

And then… Mercy truly found this soul that had walked so long the path of hatred…

‘Resurrect me.’

I asked him of the souls imprisoned, what he intended to do with Mercy’s second chance should he be given it, I asked him many questions. He was hesitant to answer… and I was fearful of a trap.

‘I do not know if I have the power to do such a thing. You have many deals with demons, and your soul is splintered. If I misstep such a thing…’

‘My deals have run out. My soul is enough here.’

‘Then you would not be completely whole…’

‘That is impossible.’

‘I must understand fully what is to become of -all- involved before I agree to such a thing.’

His attention shifted to the bodies of Anderick and Dante…

‘I shall return these two to life.’

I thanked him as he sent them away alive and well. Sighed internally. No more death? Dare I hope? I though of all the souls imprisoned.

I reassured Anderick and he left. The spirit of Bah’lhal regarded me there when it was just the two of us. It was ready for life to return to it… to be made truly whole and complete. I regarded it warily a moment.

‘I have heard that if you are returned to life… it would be bad for others. I seek the truth of it please?’

‘Can I be more dangerous in life than I am now? Here I am omnipresent in my domain.’

‘You would give up that power for life?’

‘Do it now before I change my mind!’

‘Please… what of these?’

I refered to the voices of those trapped.

‘I will release them.’

‘Have I your word?’

He disappeared then… and I worried. There was a shaking of the whole place, a large wash of energy. It grew quiet… the whole place seemed to grow lighter. Seemed at peace. When the spirit returned he was gravely weakened. He had let go of that which had given him strength.

‘He that grants mercy… receives mercy. Ilmater guide me… If this is the path I am to walk now… do not let me misstep.’

‘No going back now.’

It spoke weakly, and truthfully. Mercy to you… Mercy… in the end of all things…

‘Mercy has found you, even after all this time… Mercy to you then… If it is Ilmater’s will, then so be it.’

I prayed and I watched. All at once he stood there, leaning heavily on the tomb, breathing raggedly. Suddenly he drew in a sharp breath and I watched him concerned. To my surprise he flips over and retrieves a knife… and much to my worry… began walking toward me, knife in hand. I found myself praying that Mercy would keep me then, not sure of his intent. His steady and impassive approach unnerved me, and I found myself inching back as he steadily moved toward me.

‘You are just like Shatter… But you did not betray. You are just like me… But you did not break under the strain of the trials of life.’

‘I stand true to my word. I endure in my faith.’

'You did better than I, much better. Four hundred years of hate and nothing to show for it…’

Still he walked, knife in hand, still I stepped slowly back. I felt a slight surge of worry, not really panic as I felt my heel meet the stone work of the wall behind me. I eyed the knife as I spoke and watched him carefully. I was literally backed against the wall, and in a corner. I chose my words carefully.

‘Hate is a useless, destructive thing. That is why there is Mercy for second chances. You have been granted one, what shall you do with it?’

‘This should have been done long ago… Tell Noric to enter the portal with as many who I have hated as he can muster.’

I watched in horror as he brought the knife to his own throat.

‘What? Wait! Stop!’

I screamed even as the knife drew deep across his throat. I watched, frozen as life drained from him and he fell to the floor. I shook my head as there was nothing I could do…

‘I do not understand… What…? Why?! For nothing? Why ask for life at all?! Why take that which is given and toss it aside?’

My words halted as a spirit appeared where the body had fallen… and behind it a great and fearsome demon. The spirit looked at me as the demon strode to it. There were no words as the demon stood over the soul and rend it into nothingness. There was a deep flash of pain and regret on his face, and it left me feeling unsettled to watch the spirit be destroyed. The demon faded away after that leaving me in the quiet dark amid the aftermath of so much emotion. There was a bright flash of light as an inscription took form on the wall opposite me. I moved over and read the words there:

‘You were the exception to my rule. My rule that wasted four hundred years of my life, and the lives of endless others. For all my murders I am deserving of death. I am sorry, but my time is at an end. Your mercy is exceptional and… unexpected.’

The next thing I knew there was a portal and the others were going through. Not knowing what we were to face and in spite of the fact they didn’t even believe I was myself, much less my words… I followed them. What lay on the other side was pure, malignant, dark, hatred. The thing that had lent him so much strength for so many centuries. We would battle it there… We would nearly fall in this battle of minds. Indeed… this was not a battle of sword and spell song… But we would defeat it, and finally, all that was the evil of Bah’lhal. In the end what we destroyed with the power of our thoughts was the evil… What died in that room before my eyes was not evil… it was not malice… not even Drow… a man spurned by love and life… No… what was lain to rest was Hatred. And in those final, precious brief moments he understood… He knew mercy for what it was… He had given it… he had received it… he had even made peace with himself. I cannot say I feel he deserved the end he found at the hands of the Hells themselves… But in the end of all things there is only mercy… Nothing more, nothing less, no other path but. Mercy prevails.

It would be a long and silent walk back to Beregost. All would have much to reflect on. When I got to my room I would not leave the sheet over the mirror, but take it down. There would be no darkness there. It was over… at least that much of it. I wondered what happened to the one called Glaive Soulblight. Noric would come to speak with me then, and our exchange would be rather tense… Perhaps in time he will understand, maybe they all will… While they are already forgiven in my mind, I pray they can find a way to forgive me for my passion and indignant anger. For my stubbornness even.

Myhun and I would have a rather tense conversation. At the start of it I hated him for the cruelty of his words.

‘If you can’t save them both then what? What if you have to choose?’

We argued back and forth. He countered that my love for the children was so blind that I would even forsake my oaths for them. I would not… could not.. But Damn them for the pain they place on my heart. If all else failed and I could not save them both… Could I choose?

‘Why?! I am no God! Why should I choose such? Who am I to decide who lives or dies?!’

‘You are a leader… because people follow you.’

I was angry at the calm coldness with which he delivered his point. And I turned away from him as we continued to debate back and forth. I wanted to cry, to scream… to run… to not face the question that begged such an answer, because I feared I to weak for such. How could I choose? I hadn’t the strength for such a thing. As he so painfully reminded me… and as I knew in my heart… Keep Billy from them, keep him safe… make them fail… No matter the cost.

His tone and demeanor changed and he placed a hand on my shoulder.

‘Keep your hope. You are strong. You will be able to do what you must.’

I would do my best in what was to come. We will get her back, we will save both children. Tonight there would be plenty of room in my dreams for lost and stolen children, angry vengeful gods, for tonight at least there would be no lamented lullabys, no shadows… and one less worry and fear… For now. We have plans… as soon as possible we move Billy, and until the Bhaalists tell us more of where they want a trade to happen, how, or we find more clues as to where they might of taken her… for now we wait for them to send word or make a move. For now I am content that they won’t kill her until they are sure they can get Billy… They know if harm befalls Dianne, they will never even See Billy again much less stand a chance at getting him.

My faith is my strength and hope is my light. I am a stubborn soul. I will not give up. Mercy prevails in the end of all things. Bhaal will know the error of the actions of he and his Faithful. Our allies grow in number. Each action only turns more against them. They will fail, and both children will be mine to keep… and some day… There will be peace…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-SECOND ENTRY]

Sometimes the line that separates Enemy from Ally is a broad gray line… or in this instance a thin black band… Still I cannot help but pity those so blinded to the fact that the world is not so clearly black and white as they would like to believe. Vibrant color and deceptive gray, shadow and shade, flame and flicker… No things are truly hardly ever what they actually appear. I think though… in the end… the stones landed where they need be, and an unpleasant marring of the surface of the mountain rock face has been smoothed over. One of many it seems.

Long have I learned to live with pain. All sorts of pain, all types and measures. I endure. I find now that even the sharpest pains become bearable. The pangs that once threatened to overwhelm me, slowly become that steady beat which urges me ever forward… constantly onward. To what? That remains to time for now. To a choice… to a path that is still yet hidden barely just from view. I know what I must do, though not how, so for now I pray. I know when the answers are mine to receive, Ilmater will be there, ready to gently guide me onward. As nerve wracking as the waiting is, as painful… I endure. As others begin to insist I have but one choice with really only one answer… I maintain hope. I will not waver, I will not fall to despair. My faith is my strength. I will stand… Mercy will prevail. -That- is the only end, the only choice that others fail to see. In my mind and my heart I see the destination. Bhaal has already lost the battle, it is merely a question of what steps I take on this path to that end. Confidence? Arrogance? No… Merely unwavering Faith.

There were many grand conversations today and while not all were pleasant much was learned. We are still working on a way to separate Selah from the link being maintained since the scrying. Myhun has apologized for his harshness the day before. Emrys and I continue our playful battle of wits… Flattery won him this round, but only because between he and Anderick and even Elrith… I was outnumbered and out flanked. Elrith… I pray someday her heart can find joy. So deep is she in sorrows she is nearly lost to them. May mercy find her, and offer her some solace.

It has been asked if Billy is well because he sleeps so much of late. He wakes to eat and we chat a bit from time to time. His health is grand. I think his sleep is a small mercy from Ilmater to ease some of the discomforts he might face. I haven’t had the heart to tell him of Dianne. In truth I fear doing so. Such is his generous heart that he would either wish to willingly sacrifice himself for her sake, or try to rush of and through some feat of heroics, he would try to save her. The consequences of such a thing could be dire indeed. Arrangements have been made, and when the time is right we will begin our journey to a safer location. I also have discreetly made arrangements with a trusted soul to seek clues to Dianne’s whereabouts from the Ilmatari temple. Careful though they might be… One does not walk through the houses of Mercy with ill intent, and not leave a trace of a path. Once I know more, and have sought guidance of Ilmater we will choose a course of action.

Even as the shadows fade from my mind, in light of recent events, I am left to wonder. Firstly, what happened to Glaive and his ‘army’? How much can Noric be trusted… aside from other things I witnessed him work some sort of ritual… Drow or not… it was dead… and most unsettling. Undead… Why have we heard nothing further of this army? I imagine there is still more to this tale surrounding Shadow and life and death. It seems for each question answered… there are two more that arise. I still am not entirely sure how Elrith’s memories were returned to her or why… was it some sense of mercy from Bah’lhal? Or something still unseen that will yet become known? And Aloria… Why even take her at all to begin with? So many questions! It is from experience that I say the past has a way of sneaking up on one when it is least expected. Time reveals all things. Time, that thing which is both blessing and curse. And such is the nature of the paths we walk… Ilmater’s hand at my back, my steps be guided. Mercy to them all as they seek it, as they need it… for I fear that indeed things will get worse before they get better. Keep us strong, my lord, that we may endure in your name.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-THIRD ENTRY]

Which is more unsettling… The messenger or the message?

‘The enemy is moving… Do not Trust them.’

Said the … spirit? For indeed it walked through the door. The closed… Locked… Door… Can this which bore the face of one who is dead…?

‘I saw myself walk into the sea.’

But if he had seen this, and it were he who spoke behind the face of another… what twisted spirit now dwelt in the form of one now gone? And why? There are many whys. Why does it seem little more than a fragment of a spirit? Why did it choose that form… that voice? Why did it seek me out? Why did it bear me a message? And so many other questions. What is it? Who is the enemy?

It carried with it a sense of utter, hopeless despair. A grief and a rage I could feel, but not explain. I sought to understand its message, but it either could not or would not answer query.

‘The enemy is coming! Trust none of them!’

With a shriek of rage and sorrow so inhuman… so… profound it vanished into nothingness. It was several moments later when I realized I held so fast to the bedpost, myself between Billy and the… spirit. My fingers began to ache, and I realized… I was afraid. Not of the ghost… but of the form it chose… of the message it brought. I cannot explain the subtle clues that were there… I could not even say I understood the message… It could have many meanings… But it left me… afraid. Afraid because I knew not who to fear, who to distrust… not exactly… This is one mystery time could keep… But I know… it won’t. Time reveals all things… Even the ones we would rather remain hidden from view.
~~

There were more dealings with the one called Harker… Not only do I not trust him… can’t tell whose side he is on and a host of other things… but this night he slay three. To kill an attacker in defense of one’s self is one thing… but as Elrith subdued them he went along behind her and slew them. Killed them outright while they lay helpless. There is no honor, no mercy in such a thing. I wonder now if he truly meant to try diplomacy at all. It seemed his every word was meant to needle raw emotion and anger from the others.

I was not attacked, but nor could I say in this that I knew who, if any, were actually foe. I tried to stop the fighting, to no avail… but never were my fists raised. My oaths remain intact. I was able… through great effort, to save two of them… the third… He is content to rest peacefully with the love whose apparent murder at Harker’s hand has started the whole conflict. That the murder was not denied, or in my eyes… satisfactorily justified… does not sit well with my heart. The whole thing leaves me with a sense of cold… Foreboding, though I can hardly explain why. Perhaps it is my unease from the night before that colors my view? It seems there are a great number that I am unsure just how fully I can trust… I find myself seeking the truth of action and deed, rather than words… and so far it has guided me true enough.

Step carefully Meri dear. Not only is the path you walk treacherous and narrow, but there may well be more than angry gods willing to push you over the edge.
~~

I helped Val as best I could. It seems the whole time she has been so ill, it was less illness and more a bad bump on the head. The shadows of those dark moments now seem mostly banished, and overall most of us are none the worse for wear. There are wounds… some that run deep to the quick of the soul, but all things mend. Sometimes it takes little more than a gentle hand… other times, the Hand of the Divine. After an… -emotional- moment, I returned to Beregost.

I sought out Selah then. Indeed I had worried for her greatly. With good cause it seems. Her eyes are clouded by shadow… she cannot see. She works to keep her spirits up, and can barely speak on top of all of that. Ilmater be with her, for she suffers for my sake… for Dianne’s. Guide us that we may find a means to her release. I know little of arcane magic and how it works, but I should have seen the Divine Taint of Bhaal in all this, should have known he would not easily give up his secrets… From now on, the others will not take such risks. I cannot have them risking their souls and well being… at least not for me. For our cause perhaps, for what right do I have to tell them they cannot fight a battle to save themselves from the Lord of Murder? No more risks though for my sake… I will not allow it. In the mean while, efforts are being taken to return her to her proper self. To see such a proud woman as such. I see how it pains her to ask for help… to show weakness. I see in her some measure of myself in that regard.

Still no word on Dianne… good or bad. I spend a great deal of time in prayer and pray for answers. Little else can be done, as we consider our options and try to plan in such a way that the minimum amount of risk is incurred. I will not act without the guidance of Ilmater. I will not misstep. I will not waver… and I will not lose them. Mercy of all most Divine Mercies to Dianne… wherever she is. Keep her in your arms Ilmater… until she is again in mine. Grant me these two, so dear, so precious… and bid me ask you nothing else, and I would do so gladly. They are of my heart, though not of my blood. I may never be able to bear children of my own… but by your grace and infinite Mercy… I would keep these two gladly. First though… the enemy must be defeated. Bhaal and his minions must be halted in their path. For the sake of all… We cannot fall now. We must stand… We must Endure! Mercy prevails, there can be no end but this.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-FOURTH ENTRY]

It seems so long ago… so very long ago, when I first arrived to the sprawling city that was Baldur’s Gate. Further from me still, that first day arriving in Trademeet. If not for my scars, and the pages upon pages of thoughts… Face after Face… The persistent nightmares, those distant pains of the past would be lost to time. Time truly mends all things… Even the nightmares are now little more than a mild interruption. That is when there is room enough in my thoughts for the past to grace them. I marvel at the number of events that can fit into the span of days. Has it already been five years since my first renewed glimpse of morning sun? Has it been so many years before that?

I cannot help but smile for even the worst of times there was light… Always in the worst of those, there was hope. Even in the dark lonely corners of the past, there were a few friends, a few small mercies… and now? Well these days, at least there is not a shortage of friendly faces. Do they understand how precious they are? Even strong in my faith, devout in my hope, if not for the blessing of each… I could not stand. Do not think, Ilmater, that my wish for peace means that I do not understand the need for this conflict. It is a war of faiths. For the sake of everyone in this region, if not further reaching than that, we must not waver.

The price of such a war is never easy to bear. The price by one so young and dear is… painful. A chain of events through out the day … and long into the night would test my resolve, and the control of my anger. Thank the small mercies for such good friends… or I might have failed, like so many other times.

The day started, ironically, in the middle of the night. A dream, not a nightmare. There was a familiar face, and a very familiar voice. This … fragment? Of a friend was far less ominous that the last fragment. There was no fear as I faced this old friend… or at least this old face of a current friend. Confusing bit that is. But the message remained the same. The Spider comes… What we are to do to stop it is not yet clear… But the children of the Spider Queen cannot succeed… though at what specifically I do not entirely understand. I have no qualms about stopping them at whatever it is they plan on doing. The Drow… worst of them are Lolth’s faithful. I would much rather avoid them.

There were only two Drow in all the realms that I could say I did not fear, or loathe, and both Drow are dead… The how and why of such a thing is no longer important. I might have never spared each more than a passing glance had I known they were indeed Drow. Still, each had the chance to prove his worth well before his blood betrayed him. Does this mean all are worthy of such a chance? Certainly not! They are bred for hate, for pain and they carry their blood with pride. The plots and schemes of the Drow are numerous and complex. The fact that these two outcast exceptions to the rules existed at all is a marvel.

I know better than any the depth of distrust that one would do well to hold them to. I am far too familiar with their ways, their hatred, their lies, and the pain they can cause. Of late though… it has been Mercy’s eyes that has caused me such trouble. Oaths made that cannot be broken. View points that cannot be bridged, lead to angry words, and angry words often lead to drawn blades. Anger is a destructive thing, and has led to another attack, which in turn led to another headache. The others tell me it was Cat and some animals. It saddens me that they became angry with her after the ambush. I think what saddens me the most though is how more often than not, hatred and stereotype out weighs that which must be done for the benefit of many.

Selah asked me to escort her to Baldur’s Gate that day. A long trip indeed, but she had been summoned by those called the Weavemasters, and told it was urgent. I had not passed into the gates of the city since we had found Billy and fled to Candlekeep. Then when the business with that foul demon, led to required meetings with a certain Drow, which led to exile… and even now I had not intended to return to the city without the children. In truth, long after the ban had been lifted, as much as I longed for home, we have remained in Beregost. Safe enough, while Billy regained strength… It was strange to pass through the gates again… and my heart broke because it was without the children.

We made our way quietly toward the Ishtiri Tower. Selah is a proud woman, and I respect her resolve, her composure. I am pleased to call her, at best a friend, at worst a good acquaintance. I feel partially responsible for her plight… eyes that cannot see, a voice that pains her to speak. So when she called in this favor I did not hesitate.

Things were tense indeed… things at work that I was unaware of, tensions that went vaguely explained, if at all, and it was hardly my place to inquire. I came as eyes to one who could not see first, and a friend second, but it was not my place to ask of troubles that were not my own. Still as Bernard and Noric allowed me to lead her up to a library of sorts, I knew it was likely not anything good to come of it. As I waited tense words carried through the quiet place.

When I was called back to guide Selah out, there were crimson laced tears on her face. Even her tightly coiled composure was crumbling. What had she let go of that would bend her so? There wouldn’t really be time to ask, because by the time we exited the tower, great, wracking sobs consumed her. I did not know tears could come with such ferocity! Knowing she could not make the walk back to Beregost in such a state, and for lack of a better idea, I turned her toward the temple. By the time we entered the temple she could barely stand. I took her back and let her lay down.

I stayed with her, offering what comforting words I could. She clung to my hand a long moment, as though she feared to let it go, and finally the tears slowed. Such utter defeat… There was no other word for it… she lay there utterly spent. Finally she fell to sleep. I sat there a long moment, prepared a poultice for her swollen eyes and wiped away the blood-run tears.

Once she rested peacefully, I asked the sisters about Dianne… The lead to probably the most painful moment I have known in a while. My eyes could see the struggle that had taken place. Right up to the point she had been dragged away. My mind was screaming at me and anger threatened to overcome me. I should have been there! She should have been safe! My eyes fell on the doll. That object of devotion, made by my own hand… A gift she had treasured so… A dagger through its head and a note pinned to its face. I wanted to weep… I wanted to scream… I wanted to find the bloody Halfling whose foot prints were in the room, that bastard of a man who had become a persistent, shadowed thorn… In that instant… Ilmater forgive me… I wanted him to know a portion of that which twisted in my heart. Perhaps knowing I needed something better to focus on, to defeat the anger in my heart, and my dark thoughts were quickly interrupted by duty.

I heard Sister Addy calling to me frantically. Tessian was there in the kitchen heaped on the flour and half out of his mind. It took some work, but I convinced him to try and rest, which bought me enough time to try to figure out what was wrong. Looking back now… the answer was so simple… perhaps I was too tired to see it for what it was. Fortunately the answer to my prayer came in the form of one most unexpected. I was worried for him… maybe even more than I dare admit to… even to myself. Such a thought scares me, and well… a debate for another time indeed. Mercy guided Noric, who came to check on Selah, and fortunately Noric was able to point out to me that it was a curse.

Fortunately I can deal with most curses, for the divine is strong with me, and a few short prayers later, he was his normal cheerful self. Selah also seemed a bit recovered, awake and even asked to eat. Seeing things well cared for, and offering hopeful words for the Sisters and Brother Marcus, my thoughts turned to Billy. I ran the whole way to Beregost. When I arrived I found that Harker’s ‘friends’ had paid the inn a visit. Fortunately Billy was left in the good hands of Elrith and Aloria, and from what I understand there was no bloodshed. I sent Elrith to aid Selah as I got things in order for Billy. We would be traveling soon…

Talk of Harker reminded me that I needed to speak with Firavain about some other things, and I had left intent on finding him at Candlekeep, speaking briefly and coming back. As I mentioned though there were complications with Cat… and my trip to the Keep and back took much longer than I had hoped. When we returned to Beregost, Selah was arriving with Elrith. As we were all getting set up and situated, Elrith and Kaindora and some of the others had gone to find rest, and the rest of us were preparing to do the same, there came a shrill scream from Selah’s room which was next to ours.

As I came through the door there she was… a good foot or two off the floor… Suspended in mid-air! And as I looked on in fear, shouting prayers to try to release her from what had taken hold she spoke. But it was not her voice that spoke… it was many voices that spoke… Thousands of voices that spoke… through her:

“ A vessel is chosen… An avatar for the Lord of Murder… With it his seed shall spread along the Coast… He will come before shadows descend on the lands, and our divine lords walk along side us as equals… The Lord of Murder shall perish, but in his doom he shall spawn a score of mortal progeny… Chaos will be sewn from their passage… So says the Wise Alaundo… ”

As the words left her and my prayers became more urgent she fell to the bed comatose. I was still not in the best of shape from Cat’s attack, and this event had left me rattled. I could not shake the sense that the enemy was far too close at hand… And all of us were confused. We wracked our minds for a way to wake her. As if things were not complicated enough… Myhun arrived shortly there after. His previous anger at me would be nothing compared to what would come now, that I was sure of. At the same time, he was a practiced magus… Already weak and exhausted I led him to her room.

‘Can you heal her mind? I just want to speak with her… see what she wants.’

I was surprised. He had shown such care and devotion to her… I thought him nothing more than a womanizing… possibly power hungry fool of a man. A flirt at best, but I had never really thought much of the workings of romance, much less the fact that he would in fact love. So far… for whatever misgivings there had been, he had been overall, helpful… The very least I could do was anything I could to grant him even a few moments.

I have always been in tune with the divine energies, honed and guided by Ilmater… perhaps his gift to me even before I was his faithful servant. I can move energy, much the way sorcerers move the arcane. I need not prepare prayers to work my acts of faith. They come from my heart… from the core of my being. I have… in a few instances even gone so far as to gift some of my own essence to another… much as I did to heal Esen, to repair Val’s mind and even more distantly… to try to save one I loved… I looked at Myhun… the look on his face then… and to Selah’s nearly lifeless form.

It is risky to channel large amounts of energy… in some cases it can even be fatal. I was weak… I had not sought renewal from Ilmater since helping Val. The near fatal attack earlier the day had left me drained, plus all I had already done for Selah and not having rested since the trip to Baldur’s Gate and back… It was a great risk. I could not however look that man, no matter our disagreements, and deny trying to help Selah.

I concentrated… I began to pray, to open myself, praying that my strength of faith would be sufficient to protect me from the dark coils that had ensnared her, at first the energy moved slowly…as a sluggish mind after too much drink… Then I concentrated and focused, intent on drawing her, if only for a moment, out of the darkness into Mercy’s light. I felt the familiar and frightening tug at my being, prayers leaving my lips in a nearly incoherent pattern. I was vaguely aware of her rousing from the depths of her darkness. For a terrifying moment I could not stop… I feared I would drain away… but finally…I summoned the will and the connection broke. The crackle of energy quieted. I fell back weakly, and watched as Myhun spoke to Selah.

He said she spoke of the prophecies of Alaundo then, to look there for the answer to save her, and that I ‘would know how to heal her.’ Though at present I do not know what that might mean. I agreed to come back to watch over her after a bit of rest. We would make arrangements to seek the prophecies the next day, if need be take Billy with us, and after some more conversation and mild planning, I finally sought rest. I was so exhausted that I barely registered that my dearest sister Julie had returned from her travels. Perhaps the next few days will afford me a bit of time to at least enjoy her return. Mercy keep her safe… I do not trust Bhaal’s minions to leave her unscathed… Time will tell what is to come… Mercy will prevail in the end of all things. There is no other end but this. Through all trials, we endure, as He Who Endures… Mercy to those who suffer because they must… Mercy to us all…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-FIFTH ENTRY]

Well, Cat came across me as I was out gathering herbs. She was going to kill me, but somehow mercy found her. It stayed her hand long enough to let me speak, though she promised as I began, that she would listen and then kill me. I was surprised when I had finished speaking that she did not move to strike. She instead asked me to verify my words before a divine truth spell. I agreed to do so, after all, I had not lied to her, nor did I intend to. First however, I wanted to see to Billy as I had already been out much later than I had intended. She stated she wasn’t letting me out of her sight until she knew the truth of my words. Fine. It didn’t matter to me so long as I knew Billy was safe.

When we got to Beregost, there was some sort of issue with a masked pair and a Fist mercenary. The road was blocked, and without knowing what was going on I was not about to push past. Fortunately Kaindora was close at hand and on the other side of the conflict. I sent her to look after Billy in my stead. I was trying to determine the safest way to remove myself from the situation, not sure that I should stay or go. I knew none of them, save that the pair was acting suspicious and I knew only that the guardsman was outnumbered. However, good intention was quickly dashed aside by a cold whisper:

‘The Boy Merielle. I don’t know how much moor poor Dianne can take…’

I could not see him, and his words were for my benefit alone, the purpose nothing more than to antagonize me. I screamed at him… felt the blood drain from my skin. The fear that the enemy was so close to Billy, and I not nearly close enough. The anger that I faced a foe I could not strike… The anguish, the worry, the absolute madness, not knowing if his words held truth, or were meant to only cause me pain. I didn’t take the time to try to face him. I didn’t waste thoughts on any further words he might have had. I didn’t know or care if the others had seen or heard him. No doubt they thought me insane… I ran… I ran to the inn and through the door.

My enemy was stealthy, yes, but I had met few who could match my speed unintended. If it was just the Hin, then my darling Billy would be safe so long as I got there first. If there was someone else there already… I could deal with them before they knew I was there. I glanced around the inn and spotted Sir Lightblade and Kaindora. I did not wait to waste words but ran up to the room. I didn’t actually slow my thoughts until I was in the room, Billy was safe, and the door locked. The others… including Cat didn’t understand what was going on, but I wasn’t about to risk opening the door to explain and letting that demon of a Halfling in.

There was a long tense moment as I explained through the door. I fought my emotions back. Prepared to stay there as long as needed. I was nearly calm when the tell tale darkness of the enemy enveloped the door. I hated myself as the anger and fear were completely evident in my voice and my words. I screamed at the door. I heard the others began their own defensive measures. I began piling furniture in front of the door. I would not let him take Billy from me too! He would learn in time that he should not have taken Dianne from me. The depth of my anger frightened me.

I don’t know how long I stayed in that room, but finally the others assured me that there was no one else there. While I was anything but convinced, I decided to come out of the room for a time. Cat wanted me to verify my oaths first, and knowing that she was a danger and a nuisance until I had done so, I agreed to. The last thing I needed was to fight a battle on two fronts. Reluctantly I headed with her to the Lathander temple. Once she was satisfied with my words, she agreed to peace between us.

I made my way back to the inn, and spent a great deal of time in conversation. I took a small walk in hopes I could clear the dark thoughts from my mind. This will be my test I fear… Whether or not I can move past my own emotions and do my duty. I pray Ilmater, for your strength and wisdom. I pray you guide my steps… I pray I do not fail you in the tasks you lay before me…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-SIXTH ENTRY]

What now? Oh dear mercies! What now?!

First: We have to move Billy as soon as possible. Back to the temple I hope. That way there are more who can keep him safe. Though numbers matter not against a foe unseen. This night proved that. Bruised his arm! Poor Billy was so upset. It took a while to get him calmed down… Might have been easier if I had been calmer. Mercy of Mercies Ilmater lend me your strength… I was worn so thin today. To find Billy so scared. I don’t know what that bastard said to him. I know he looked at the mark. Left a book on mixing poisons too. Doubtless something to leave ire in his wake much the way the poisons have been. Thin little threats wrapped in dark promises. He will answer for his actions. It is clear though… we cannot stay in Beregost much longer. I have told the others to be ready to move at a moment’s notice. Specifics are best left to the last possible second.

And where was I while my charge was being accosted?! I should have been there, with Billy… not running about trying to get out of trouble… and running from shadows…
Seems the past doesn’t have the decency to stay beneath me in the dark where it belongs… Recent events may have drawn things closer, much quicker… but perhaps… Perhaps I have not been as free of the Matron’s reach as I thought?

Seems this Harker fellow is more trouble than he is worth. I knew better than to get wrapped up in it. Still Elrith asked, so we went and killed Drow. We trampled sacred ground. Suspicion cast careless actions in the house of a God, and tentative peace was restored… And the restoration of that peace was supposedly my doing… though in my eyes I did little.

Then several days ago Elrith gets it into her head that we can talk peace between Harker and his ‘Friends’. Peace is always an option, and truthfully I didn’t trust Harker, and Elrith… sometimes… diplomacy is not her strong point, so I went along. It ended in bloodshed, and of the three dead, I was only able to raise two. I made my peace with them… I thought. Harker disappeared again after killing defenseless men in cold blood.

Then there was the assault on the inn. Sam said they threatened to burn the place down, that they were looking for Harker. For Sam’s sake I agreed to help if I could. After all, knowing what has been going on, and even after I explained the whole situation in great detail, including my exile, he still gladly opened his door to us. He is a good man, and trouble has come to his doorstep. There is more to it still though it seems. I had hoped after finding no trace of Harker they would leave well enough alone.

It was a message from Sam that sent me totting off down dangerous paths. Said that Harker’s former associates were now looking for a woman in white for helping a traitor. More trouble I did not need. So I decided to seek them out and talk peace. If I could remove myself from this without further incident or bloodshed… But of course things are never so simple. I made my way to the place where we met the others a few days before. There was a camp and one fellow… he looked Elven, but in the failing daylight it was hard to tell. He was jumpy… I thought it because such a group had followed me for my protection. I sent them away save for Tessian who kept a respectable distance back and tried again to speak with the fellow.

His words spoken aloud were for show, he feared we were being watched. Now I think it very safe to say we were… He bid me meet him at the Jovial Juggler in Beregost… alone. I nearly laughed on the walk back to Beregost… Alone? Can I truly take two steps without someone knowing? For that matter can I take two steps without them knowing which pair of boots and how tightly they were laced? If it is not the enemies eyes on me, it is the eyes of my friends. Alone? He may as well have asked the mountains to move. Still they must have… because I stepped into the Juggler without a gaggle of well meaning eyes.

Note to myself for future reference… Stay away from places that don’t serve tea…
He didn’t say much. Just that he was searching the camp. He handed me a note that he had found. It was a warning about some group called the Black Flight looking for someone. That he believed I was telling the truth, and that someone had been slaying members of this Black Flight group. I had thought that Harker and the others were at one point at least, part of this group… Now I am not so sure. A figure in the corner of the tavern cut short our conversation. I tried to casually get us out of there… But my mind did not work as swiftly as it could… at least not as swiftly as a crossbow bolt.

The poor fellow was dead before he even had a chance to realize it. His death was swift at least. I pray he finds merciful rest. The figure that slew him stepped from the shadows speaking curses I have not heard in nearly five years… His blades were swift and sharp, but I could tell the battle was evenly matched. I tried to get a healing prayer out of my lips to ensure I stood to land the final blow. The pain was too great. I saw his face twist in a wicked grin as he landed the blow I was sure would end me… Blackness… Searing pain and then nothing…

Then my eyes cleared. The Drow was gone… many of the tavern badly wounded. How I was even standing… Well… That was indeed the Hand of Mercy… for without Ilmater’s steadying hand at my back, surely I would be resting on Mount Martyrdom now. The innkeeper shoved a pouch of coins in my hands.

‘I owe you my life miss. I don’t know what’s going on, but take this.’

I started to argue and give the coins back. I didn’t even know what was going on. I couldn’t even say who was friend or foe. It was clear though, that there were a great many blades pointed my direction so to speak. I would have to be careful… But I didn’t yet realize then just how careful…

‘I have to report this to the guards. But if you aren’t here miss… you never were.’

I nodded to the innkeeper as I stabilized the last of the tavern patrons, and prayed that they would echo the innkeeper’s kindness. Until I figured out what was going on… staying out of -more- trouble was probably wisest. I quickly left the tavern after stopping my own bleeding. As badly wounded as the Drow assassin was, I prayed he left a trail. I looked about and found a couple of vials that had held healing tonic… and a pendant on a broken chain…

I picked up the bloodied amulet and studied it. I think my heart stopped… or time stopped… or both. The fear that overcame me then as I looked at the House insignia on the pendant… Baenund! Was this Drow responsible for the assassinations of the Black Flight members? My panic subsided a bit as logic took hold. If he recognized the Matron’s favorite play thing… he would not have tried to kill me… nor would he have left me for dead. Thank all that is Mercy… he didn’t know… They didn’t know… yet. Still the Matron’s search for the blasted amulet was relentless. She searched years according to the Thayan who had taken it. She tried to torment the answer out of me for years… As much as I hated the Thayan necromancer… I hated the Drow worse… and if by holding this secret, I kept a measure of power out of the hands of the Matron Mother or her foul daughter… then I would hold that secret to my death and then some. Still… For Baenund’s agents to crawl out of the depths… Something, some power play or scheme was drawing the Lolthite witch from her hole. I wanted to take Billy and run north… Billy was in no shape to travel, and frankly neither was I…

I didn’t want to risk the Drow following me back… so I walked away from the city. As I neared the place where the camp was, a sense of foreboding came over me. Was that blood? Where were the tents… the campfire? I stepped cautiously forward. A grand fight had occurred while we fought for our lives in the inn. Black arrows… crossbow bolts… Blood… there was an unholy amount of blood. No bodies? Surely there were survivors somewhere… And it was that thought that sent me running back to Beregost.

What in the name of Mercy had I gotten in the middle of… How was House Baenund involved? How could I get far enough away? It was a blessing that they did not recognize me. Few enough people knew of my past. Still… if the wrong people knew… it was merely a matter of how many coins it took before the truth was laid out neatly. I will write Brother Dracius in the morning. He and Lady Iliara should know of this… all of it… Maybe he can take Lady Iliara and young Tristan away from Trademeet for a while… find someplace safe… Mercy of Ilmater… Protect them. They are the only family I have… Save for Billy and Dianne. Ilmater be with me! How am I to fight a battle on so many fronts? Keep me safe my lord please! Be with this faithful servant. Words of a dream came back to haunt me then:

‘The enemy is coming. They are numerous. The Spider comes… Trust -No One- !’

It was when I returned to the Feldepost and found a large group gathered in front of our room. I tried to hide my panic and shoved the insignia in my pocket quickly. I inquired about Billy, and the assured me he was well but there had been trouble. However when I walked in the room and found Billy a ball of fear and nerves… Ilmater forgive me I lost my temper. When the anger fled me, fear returned. We couldn’t stay here. I had to get Billy safe. To get as far away from the Drow and these Black Flight folks as I dared… I had to stay safe to keep him safe. I needed to find Dianne. And as emotions ran thickly through my mind, fear, anger, pain, worry, doubt… I tried to keep my faith strong.

I heard the conversations outside the door… and regardless of the logic or well intent in the words, they struck me like stones. I tried to explain to Tessian what was going on. Tried to ignore the words that so pierced my heart… My strength fled me… I don’t know how long I cried… but I know by the time I stopped there was literally no more tears in me. Tessian sat close, his arm around me and whispered comforts. His shoulder and upper arm soaked with tears. How horribly embarrassing! And yet… he spoke nothing more than kindness. Strange… he can coax a smile from me even on the worst of days. He asked what was going on. But to explain the present… I had to explain the past…

Everything. For the first time in my whole life… everything. Start to finish, from the first moment up to the present. Much to my surprise he did not spurn me. Such a dear friend. A good man… and I felt bad for burdening him with my troubles… still he didn’t mind. I found my mind debating with itself. I found my thoughts taking a dangerous path…

Oh Meri dearest. Careful you foolish girl… Guard your heart well… That moment of weakness is leading your mind astray… it might even cost you your heart woman! No. I would have to be careful. I was walking a very dangerous path. It could very easily lead to a road I swore I would never travel again. No missteps. I can afford none. I cannot walk that road again, not knowing I could not bear the destination…

I eventually recovered my composure, got Billy calm and settled. Tessian went down to get some toast and tea. I thought perhaps if I gave my stomach something to chew besides my fear, it would feel a bit better. Spoke with Myhun briefly. Tessian brought up tea, toast and black berries. He blamed Beth for the extra… Such a dear man… Stop it! Bah! Careful! Careful! Careful!

I think I will finish the berries and the tea and get some sleep before I get myself into more trouble… Ilmater be with us all… Guide my steps. Mercy prevails… I only pray I may stand long enough to enjoy it…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

Another day of revelation. Most of them weren’t pleasant. We are tested. We are made stronger for it. And yet… I feel in many ways I have failed. I have failed those dear to me. Fortunately they are most willing to forgive me. To offer mercy I hardly deserve, but then… is that not the definition of Mercy? They offer no less to me, than I freely give to them. Who am I to deny myself what I will not let them refuse?

I must be more careful. The enemy was ready when we sought to move Billy northward. This means that even if I left my plans to the last minute… they watch carefully. The fact that it was not a large force meant that I didn’t give them enough time to organize a larger force. I say they, but I have a feeling I know who. Billy calls him the ‘short one in black’. The fact that he is ever close enough… My skin crawls. How did he end up in the inn? He was there, regardless of how… I must be more careful. I must not let my anger and my fear hold sway… it slowed my hand, I missed my chance to strike. So confounded was I by his words, I couldn’t even get a simple blessing off. When he sensed control close he would simply vanish beyond sight.

No longer do I see them as charges, orphans in the care of the temple. Everyone else calls me mother to these… Even Billy… Dianne his sister… Dreams and hopes. Precious ones. My children, my loves. And it is that which makes this whole ordeal so painful. I finally gathered the strength to tell Billy of Dianne. His strength… oh I envy his strength! This wonder that is this small boy. It broke my heart, but still he endured, he did so grandly with the news. As badly as I could see it pain him. This boy… nearly eight, does he know what a pillar of strength he is? I was glad he was asleep by the time the Hin came to throw his daggered words.

His blades swiftly fell Alamin and Julie. I had to take care. To keep myself between he and Billy. He spoke of Dianne and the hints at… things I dare not let myself dwell on. Ilmater I … I am ever your servant… But I cannot say there is mercy enough for this one… If there is… I beg you teach me to see. Never have I wished such ill on another and it shames me that I do now… but I cannot help my loathing. He revels in the suffering he causes. No doubt he could see the effect every carefully placed word had on me. Even as I prayed myself willful and strong enough to face him… I hadn’t the strength.

‘Its no lie Merielle. Her screams can be heard through out the temple.’

I wanted to scream… leave all to the Hells and run to that temple… tear it to the ground. Find her and spirit her away. Leave that place a burning pile of ash, sundered and smoldered by the wrath that is a mother’s that is a protector, of a servant that is of Mercy, who has seen enough pain to justify the calling of the heavens. The temple? Careful Meri dear. This one does not slip words… it could be a well laid trap, to draw you to that place. Still… is she there? Dare I hope she is so close?

As I struggled to form thoughts, an incantation, the will to move my frozen muscles and strike at him, the words continued… carefully placed, a steady assault on my will… I was too slow to act this time… but I shall ready myself for our next encounter. I will not so easily fall to his tricks. I will stop him. I countered him defiantly as I could muster. His next words gave me pause as he looked to the stairs:

‘Don’t make me go and take him Merielle.’

Don’t make you go take him? -Can- he take him? Must he be willingly given? Is that what this is? To wear me to the point that I surrender? Can they not use what is not willingly given? I shall have to check my notes. The only other meaning is that this is a game with the intent of breaking me. I will not fall. I will not waver. Still, it leaves me to wonder… Dare I call their bluff?

Firavain demanded we move to a safer point, to the barracks. After a great deal of debate, both internal and external, I agreed. I carried him as he slept drowsily. The days events had drained him. He was so tired he hardly stirred.

‘I love you Sister Merielle.’

He murmured into my shoulder as I carried him down the stairs. I held him close, this child that was more precious to me than life itself. For indeed if he was lost, there would be no point. There would be only death. I held onto him long after the need passed. I dared not take my eyes off of him. Just because the shadows had fallen silent for now, did not mean he did not watch for a chance to strike again. It wasn’t until my fourth or fifth cup of tea that I felt some of the chill recede. I thought over and over… everything he said, my every action and reply. I committed them to memory, unwilling to let go of the lesson there: I needed to steel myself against his words.

‘The boy for the girl Merielle.’

‘You won’t have him. I won’t give him up.’

‘Then the girl dies.’

As his form faded from view I screamed and hurtled my anger forth in the direction of his laughter. No doubt Tessian and Firavain thought me mad. I was so fraught and so near tears that I dared not speak… Every time I spoke my words were seething, biting things. I could barely move. I lashed out wrongly at the others. The sheer volume of frustration. I promised Ilmater I would wait to strike, bide my time, and was beginning to fear I may have made promises I couldn’t keep.

Oh mercy. The thoughts of her with the Bhaalists… the thought of her with -that- Bhaalist… It threatens to end me. Ilmater suffer with her, give her your strength and comfort. Ilmater… I beg you be with her, keep her in your arms until she is again in mine… please.

‘When Joan awakes we can move you to the Spire.’

Slowly the chill fell away… the anger loosed its grip on my heart. I reached into my pocket to find the chamomile and mint that I hoped would ease the shaking that consumed me. In my search my hand fell across the Insignia. Standing before me was one man who could answer some questions. As I regained my focus, and struggled against my own doubts and pain, a clear thought came to mind.

There are two wars…

And some how I ended up in the middle of both of them. If this is the path I am to walk, I will walk it carefully. The more I learn of what is going on, the more I curse my generous nature. There are some battles I should never have aided… some steps I would have done well to avoid… and now the way back is shrouded heavily in shadow. Or perhaps I have walked this path all along? Was I ever truly free of the past? Or has it lurked just out of view all this time?

As I told Firavain what had been going on… it became painfully clear that those unworthy of death had found it. Indeed… things were very much not what they seemed. There was only one clear enemy: Baenund. In Sshamath no less, which as I understand it is dangerously close. She still seeks the amulet. The lich-trinket that would render her virtually untouchable by death. A Lolthite priestess with her drive and cruelty… No she will not have the amulet. Its secret buried so deep in a place of fire and ice, and the key to it so deep in my mind the most powerful scions cannot tear it from my mind. It is laughable really… the only way to find the stupid thing rests in the Thayan she had killed, without he, the key will remain bound to my mind in an intricate pattern of runes and such. She seems to think it will have found its way to the City of Dark Weavings… she is a fool.

She learned years ago that trying to rip it from my mind was deadly… it cost her much. So many months, a breath away from death, and she never broke me. She never will. That fact isn’t going to keep her from trying. Her eyes are not on me yet, but her desperation will turn them to me in time.

Contingencies have been set in place, and I have prepared for the worst as well as I can. Billy is safe in Candlekeep, especially in the Spire, for now. If anything does go badly, Emrys and the others know what to do. My only saving graces will be my faith and a couple of carefully chosen allies. Allies… It is so hard to tell friend from foe. Firavain can be trusted… no other it seems. Unfortunately the one other I could have maybe trusted, died by Drow bolt. It also seems… That allies have been left to death’s embrace, and enemies aided with life-giving second chances.

I also now know why this Harker fellow seemed to know so intricately the workings of the Drow. He has walked my path, and rather than getting as far away from them as possible, as I sought, he seeks to exact vengeance. Behold the destruction anger can draw forth! Innocent will die, will suffer… and the enemy grows stronger from the shadows. This is why blind hatred is so useless. Through the blind hatred of others… I have been drawn into the field. I am open, and not nearly as protected as I like. How long before the Huntress closes in on her prey? How many sunrises and sunsets stand between where I am now, and where the darkness knows no end?

At least this time I know what to expect. I have seen the depths of the cruel dark, and know I can survive it. I know I can return to the light… It does not mean I welcome what is to come, but I truly fear there is no avoiding it. Sunlight, starlight, moonlight… precious to me before… more precious to me in the last five years… now more precious still. Prepared for it or not… I fear the darkness that lays in wait.

Soon perhaps, we can try to make our way to Baldur’s Gate. In the meantime I pray. I entreat Ilmater for guidance. Do we march on the temple and take back Dianne? Is there some option my eyes have failed to see? Blinded by my heart? Perhaps. I sit here now after trying and failing to sleep. Joan’s question about the hin…

‘Do you think Bhaal is helping him get past our wards?’

Indeed… its possible this one is as favored by Bhaal as I am Ilmater. This Battle of Faiths… only one of us will stand in the end. I will not waver, I will not bend or break or sway… Ilmater guide my steps true. Mercy will prevail. There is no other end but this. Come what may, be it death or darkness, pain or suffering… choices best left to the gods and cruelties yet unforeseen… I will mend it. It will be made right, healed, soothed, comfort will be to all… Come what will… I will Endure. The strength of my faith is with me. The strength of Ilmater is with me. I will not Fall.

Mercy to those who deserve it, and swift merciful death to those who withhold it.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

In times of trial, against great hardship… Count your blessings, and enjoy the small mercies.

Lady Iliara’s wisdoms are so ingrained in my heart. Today was a day of small mercies. The return of old friends, to remember laughter, silvered moonlight, shimmering sunshine on the surface of the sea… A day of small mercies.

Billy and I talked a long while, about Bhaal, about the plans they held for him… about Dianne. By no means was it an easy conversation. I did my best to answer his questions. I made it a point to stress, that no matter what… he had to stay strong, and deny Bhaal. No matter what. It was nearly heartbreaking to see the weight of everything settle on him. This child may be plagued by Bhaal, but he is graced by Ilmater. He took it all in with a bravery and a strength that any Ilmatari would be proud of. He wishes to be a noble knight someday. To protect his family… Dianne and I, and his friends… those of the temple. The temple… We are both homesick. I think as soon as arrangements can be made, we will go -home-.

And that was the first small mercy… His smile.

Friends are both a small mercy and a great blessing. I have so many of them! I fear to ever forget them all. Friends like Firavain, always trustworthy and more than willing to walk through fire at your side. I pray he can find some measure of peace in the internal conflicts he now faces. That which is hidden just beneath the surface… a common thread of sorts that allows us to relate to similar problems in certain things. He is a good man… for an Elf… nearly as stubborn as I.

Emrys. He and Val seem so happy together… and there is a man who is as stubborn as I am. He battles with his past, as we all do, though his past… like my own… May still yet pose a problem. Not if I have a say in it. After all he has done for me, and for Billy… I would stand between the Hells and that man. Then of course there if Val. Her common is so good these days. She has remained stalwart no matter which way the storms roll. Her exotic grace and often singular determination are a boon to any who call her friend.

Joan who is a good woman overall. She possesses a different sort of wit all together. She is a proud, but well meaning sort. Her uniquely wry humor catches me off guard sometimes, but… she will teach me to dance… maybe I can learn to understand what drives her ambitions. She may be stubborn like the rest of them, but at least she is learning when to argue and when to bow gracefully out.

Julie, my dear little sister. Not by blood of course, but she is dear to me all the same. She lives for music, for the story… for the crowd. She isn’t a fighter, and her mindset can be… different. She can be melancholy at times, and sometimes I want to gather her in a hug and chase away everything that bothers her. Her story of Elva may be a sad tale, but it has always been well told. It is also often enough a welcome distraction from my own thoughts. Her ability for cliffhanger endings may yet drive me mad, but as she say, you have to keep the audience interested.

Friends like Jade and the other shadowy figures that stay just out of view, but never so far that their blades cannot find whatever trouble happens to find me. It is a strange comfort to know that not all shadows mean to kill me, not all eyes that watch unseen look on me with malice. Friends like Kaindora, Swordmistress. Those like she who have come to aid my cause, and stood completely loyal and unwavering. My allies cover an… odd assortment from all walks and paths, brought together by a common goal: Bhaal must fail. For if he succeeds it would bode ill for many.

Friends I wish I could help more, like dear Elrith. She stands loyal and well meaning as always. Her fighting skill unmatched. I pity any who find themselves on the wrong side of her axe, and I fear that which can fall one such as she. She has stood by me through much, and I pray that someday she can let go of her blind hate. Move past the sorrows that threaten to consume her. I pray she finds hope’s light again, for if any were ever so lost in the dark, it is she. I refuse to give up on her though, even though sometimes… I worry that if she does not find faith in -something-, anything… she will fall even beyond my grasp.

Selah and Myhun, an odd pair I never would have thought, both of which have been kind to me. Selah’s present plight worries me, an I will seek whatever means there is to free her of it. It is the least I can do for one such as she. She has sacrificed much for my sake. I admire her wit and her confidence. Myhun… now there is a puzzle of a man. Sometimes lewd, other moments his sharp, plotting mind worries me. We have found ourselves on opposite sides from time to time, but even then, he seems to understand even if he may have ulterior motives. A tentative ally… perhaps… but at least not a foe.

Still in reflecting on the mercy of friendship… I cannot help but wonder at those dear ones that no longer walk my path. Esen, who despite our differences was still a dear friend. I pray he is well. Others like Jensen, Mice, Aleil and many others whose paths are unknown to me, may Mercy keep them wherever they walk. Friends like Cat, who circumstances may have separated us… at least now she will stay her wrath and save it for more deserving foes. The many allies, not well enough known to truly call friend, but not enemies, and ready should I ask of them a boon.

There is Adam, recently returned from his late Father’s bedside. His father was not well, but now rests in the arms of Merciful passing. I pray grief does not blot out the sun for this shining Lathandarite. He is a good natured sort, trustworthy, a dear friend of Tessian’s. The two of them together is still rather amusing. He is a shy quiet type. It is good to see him back and well. These days I am thankful for each friend, the good ones most of all.

And now my thoughts fall on the one friend that is perhaps more dear than the others. Tessian. Not only does he bring the small mercy of friendship, but the greatest of the small mercies: Laughter. He is both unwaveringly loyal and endlessly kind. Even my darkest thoughts cannot stand against his humor. In the last few days since his return, his quiet support has been a great blessing. I was most worried when he arrived at the temple in the shape he was in. What kind of father would curse his son like that? Fortunately he is well. He is increasingly dear to me… and in some respects that frightens me. He knows me better than any. That frightens me a great deal less than the whisperings of my heart. I have not allowed another so close in many years… and he seems to be inching along like a caterpillar. He is so sneaky about it too, whether intentionally or not… I had not realized until very recently that he was as close or as dear as he has actually become. Careful Meri… you are dangerously close to that perilous place you swore you would avoid at all costs. Yet… I find I do not wish to turn him away either… and that may be the most frightening fact of all…

Taking Billy for walks, finding excuses to enjoy those precious little things, like friends, and conversation, stories, sunlight, the endless number of stars, a soft breeze… the rain, laughter, smiles so many things that will fuel my hopes through the challenges ahead. I will stand, I will not waver, and it is because I know to appreciate the light, because I am blessed so, because Ilmater walks my path with me. The day will come soon I fear, when shadow surrounds me, and the light of hope and the faith in my heart, those small mercies… that is what will sustain me as I stumble through the dark. I am no stranger to the darkness… I know it well. I did not succumb to it then, I will face it defiantly yet again. Mercy will prevail, there is no end but this. Ilmater be with us all in the storms to come. Steady us that we may stand and endure.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[EIGHTY-NINETH ENTRY]

Joan seems to be having a bit of trouble of late, two assassins have been sent after her. I don’t understand the whole situation yet, it comes in bits and pieces and obviously upsets her greatly. She has so little faith in herself… Fortunately faith is never something I lack. My mind works through several possible solutions, and I pray it may be a peaceful one… still without knowing more about the situation I can do little more than pray that a clear and pleasant solution presents itself. In the mean time… I shall have to keep an eye on Joan and keep her patched up as best as I can. So far its been little more than cuts and a broken nose. So far… I pray whatever solution may yet come about, can do so with some measure of haste.

As for my own problems… We will need to make our way to the temple soon. Not just because Billy is homesick, but because I long to be in the house of Ilmater again. I feel distant from his gentle voice of late. If I am to stand against what is yet to come, I must be strong in his counsel.

It aggravates me that always Bhaal’s faithful is ever where I step. His eyes watch, and ever he whispers his foul promises. His laughter grates and twists through my mind. Mocking foul thing. Never did I know myself capable of such anger as this one draws from me. It worries me. I know from this one will come the greatest test of my faith. To extend such merciful death to this one… A test of faith indeed

I had to spend a great deal of time in meditation. The messenger delivers yet another painful message. I had finally sat down to have a cup of tea, and hopefully enjoy a nice chat with Adam. After all I had barely spoken with the dear since his return. I was pouring the tea when a whisper reached my ears. I dropped one cup, spilling its contents. My resolve to not let the fiend trouble me was quickly failing me. Wordlessly he slid a small finger up onto the table. Mercy of mercies I managed not to wretch… but I could feel the blood draining from me… I felt dizzy. The implications of such a message. I prayed it some cruel bluff… prayed it be any other finger but Dianne’s… Ilmater forgive me.

‘I will deliver her all to you… eventually.’

That cold whisper… The only thing that halted the chill that was consuming me was the rage that began to boil through me.

‘You better deliver her in one piece!’

I heard his laughter as he headed for the door of the inn, and was vaguely aware of Adam rushing after. Don’t! But I don’t think the thought made it to words as I stared at the finger. It took a moment for my thoughts to gather. I went outside finally, but couldn’t focus. I sought the quiet of the garden near the inn. It took a while for me to calm down, and I did finally get some tea… Though the remainder of the day passed nearly unnoticed as my thoughts circled around Dianne and many prayers sent to her. Even now I doubt sleep will find me.

Mercy -will- prevail. There is no end but this. Ilmater grant me your strength and guidance.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[NINETIETH ENTRY]

Having taken the time since our return to set Dianne’s room right, catch up on some things that have needed doing for too long, and watching Billy. It was good to be back. So many things missed for so long… I had thought that by keeping our plans to depart from the Keep unknown until just before our departure, we would escape unnoticed. However, they were waiting for us almost as soon as we left the keep gates. At first I puzzled this out, and thought perhaps that the shadowy Hin was responsible for alerting his brethren. Though now I as think on it… I find it entirely possible that his god’s eyes watch us much closer than I would like. It makes sense though as much as Bhaal wishes for Billy to be make into a thing of his own design and use.

Perhaps being closer to the influence of Ilmater, back in the safety of the temple, his eyes may not peer so closely? I imagine it won’t be long before the Bhaalist comes knocking. Rumors drift to me of murder in the night and the promise of more death to come. The Bhaalists lay the death at my feet. Already a stream of folks trickle into the temple. Some demand action. They wish to assault the Bhaalist stronghold to the south, others wish to stage a trade and strike at the enemy then. There are those that understand when I say I was bid to wait before attacking the place.

‘Ilmater said that did he? And what did he say of all those they harm in the mean time?’

The question weighs heavy on my heart. I fear this turn of tactics. As innocents die… my oaths will be harder to justify. I must not waver. No matter the Cost. There are those that do not understand the importance of that oath. There are also those that care more of the short term issues, rather than the larger issue at hand. If we waver… if we give in, even now when the cost is great, there will be naught but more death, more chaos.

There are others still that call me a selfish fanatic. Yes, I love these children and I will not waver from my own oaths. To say I do not understand the sacrifice of others in this. I still remember the initial dozen dead lain before the temple. Those souls that still need to be reclaimed. Dianne… just knowing she is with -them- is painful. I have to work to not get angry when I hear others say that she is likely already dead or that I should give up on her. I will not. Mercy will prevail. Foolish are those who lack the faith or the capacity to see there is so much at stake now.

So the question that remains unanswered is what now? Do we stage an attack? Do we try to trick them into allowing us to gain Dianne back? We could fool the Bhaalists… but can we fool the Lord of Murder himself. I think sometimes people forget this is not a war of faiths merely on the mortal realm. The Gods wage war between themselves. Which path do I walk? Which one grants the most mercy to the greater whole without compromising Faith and Duty? I pray Ilmater, for your guidance. I am blessed in that. I have the strong guiding hand of Mercy at my back. I have many allies. Bhaal will fail so long as we stand. We will endure, we will not waver.

Things will get worse before they get better…

That is all that matters. Things will get better. Mercy will prevail.
~~

Some elves came today. They were part of the White Council. Apparently more trouble revolving around this Harker fellow. She was attacked and nearly killed. These Elves were investigating the Black Flight and the attack on Elrith. Unfortunately… it seems there are… many shadows that have crawled from the depths.

Uneasy and unsettled, Adam and I went to investigate one particular dark skinned fellow. We found only blood… not trace of the elves and for a while, not a trace of the Drow either. We decided at day break we would seek Elrith… I really wanted to know what was going on, especially given the kind of trouble it could, would and was bringing to my door.

The assassin from the Juggler was there, along with some brutish slave trackers. I recognize his voice now, as he spoke. He asked about the amulet, and mockingly I offered to return his insignia. We both knew full well which amulet he sought. The battle ensued. Sheer will to not return to that dark hell beneath the earth urged my fists to find their target swiftly. This one knew who I was. I prayed as he fell that he had not had the chance to alert any other of my presence. Adam was confident the danger had passed… It was only one Drow. I would not have stood against many. The fact that he had the trackers with him does not bode well. The Matron does not waste resources. I wonder if she knew this one was doing just that?

There was another Drow… certainly not an ally, but in the least, less of a threat. With Drow it all boils down to who will try to kill you first. This one… he is not Baenund… but the fact that I could not find or face him worries me. Further still… he is at least one of possibly a few that were responsible for the deaths of those there at the temple on Elrith’s behalf. How does he play into this plot? Where is the thread that ties all these conflicting stories together? The goal that has set the whole web in motion? Baenund seeks the amulet. She cannot have it…

‘Rothé are always have a use.’

Slave?! I am no longer slave, have no intention of returning to such. If this arrogant one thinks otherwise, he will learn much as House Baenund will. I will not return to her. I belong to none save Ilmater. Still… there is some larger picture here that I have yet to see in more than parts and pieces.

When we got to Beregost, and asked about at the temple for Elrith I learned there was another that was injured in the attack. However, Elrith was not present. My questions would have to go unanswered until I found her. In the meantime… come morning we will travel back to the temple, and quickly. How much time to I have before they come looking for their lost son? The one I killed? How long before she seeks that which was stolen away from her so many years ago? How much time do I have… and how can I avoid it? So many unanswered questions! If I could find the common thread that ties it all together, undo it and stop this… but I have to know which thread to pluck or the web still stands. None weave quite like the Drow. The Lolthite witch Baenund must fail… somehow… she must be stopped.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[NINTY-FIRST ENTRY]

A common enemy does not an ally make. What when the line between friend and foe is not so… well defined? Sometimes life’s paths take us to places we never would have considered on our own accord. I am often reminded of ripples in a pond. Crashing and colliding, giving one another strength, cancelling each other out… seldom is the surface smooth as glass… but when it is, one must be aware of the subtle currents beneath. Some drown in the strife, some cling to the surface, some thrive below. There are as many as of those who seek to keep the others afloat as there are those who wish to drown the worlds. A constant battle of opposing forces, in a ceaseless dance as beautiful and fluid as it is chaotic and destructive. Such is the nature of things. We endure or we fall.

It becomes unsettling. Even seemingly solitary moments are stolen under watchful eyes. More often than not those eyes are of the enemy. I have gotten to where I assume they watch. There is no solitude, there is rarely even peace. Still we endure, I endure. Is it duty, or want to see this through to the end? They are one in the same really. The dutiful are always rewarded, not always only with the satisfaction of a job well done either… It is not wrong to want for peace or for comfort. I just pray when the time comes, that I am able to enjoy such a thing.

‘Her screams are hardly heard any more… she hasn’t the strength.’

Cold, agonizing whispers. Says I do not love her because I will not hand over Billy. Nothing is further from the truth. Ilmater be with her… Ilmater be with me… I would give up anything that was mine to give to save her, to have her safely here. But what they ask I cannot give. Billy and my soul… my oaths… each of these are Ilmater’s. I seek to be slow to anger as the Crying God, but surely her plight infuriates He Who Endures as it does I? What path do I take to end it? I ask for so little, but I beg for this: Grant me the means to save them both. The enemy will still fail, I still stand unwavering, Mercy prevails… But grant me this one thing, and I would be content for all my days. I would ask for naught else.

In trying to find the Bhaalist in our midst, I revealed a shadow lurking. A Drow. As the Bhaalist ran for Billy, the Drow smashed through the window fleeing the sanctuary. Billy may not be taken, but he can be frightened… he can be hurt. The little Hin Bastard! He was there, he was bound… and in the time it took for Ian to summon the guard, he was gone. I should have let Ian kill him. Ilmater forgive me, I will offer him no mercy. Give me the means and I will end him myself. I hesitated, hoping that Dianne’s whereabouts could be drawn from him… now it seems I will have to wait for him to return. He will. He enjoys tormenting me… I will be ready. I will have them both. He of all of them shall know how wrong it was to face Mercy and throw such a challenge.

They call Ilmater weak? They will beg forgiveness and mercy from my lord when their end comes. They will meet that end swiftly. That is the only thing Mercy now holds for them. Mercy guide me that my steps fall unwavering. Guide my hand that it may fall swiftly on those who withhold mercy to those who deserve it. I am your willing servant Ilmater. Your work will be done by my hand. Mercy will prevail, there is no end but this.
~~

In searching the temple for the Drow, I found a couple of things. A book and a bottle of wine. I am sure my old friend will be happy to see them returned. I also found some purple fiber, a particular dye, a particular fabric that is familiar to me. The enemy of my enemy watches me closely. I shall have to be mindful of that. Baenund hunts the amulet, and an opposing house hunts Baenund, wishing to know what she seeks. She seeks the amulet, which means she seeks me… which means those that seek what she seeks also seek me. None weave like the Drow…

I spoke at length with Harker. How much he can actually be trusted… well… I don’t trust him really. In dealing with Drow, one learns to deal with the immediate threats first. This other house is not as prominent a threat as Baenund… And Harker for now is no threat at the moment. He used Elrith to his own means, which has left much innocent blood on her hands, but it can be rectified I hope. If anything maybe she has learned to not let blind hatred rule her so.

Ilmater forgive me for falling to scheming, but if I am to survive, I must adapt the enemy’s tactics. I gave Harker enough information to set his curiosity alight. He will seek answers I seek, and may yet be able to uncover them far easier and much more successfully than I would. I did not tell him the most important thing. I did not tell him that Baenund seeks the amulet, and that she suspects I can tell her where it is. Which… yes I could. I can tell her where it is. I won’t.

The amusing fact is, even if I did, it would do her no good. I can retrieve it, and only I, but the key to obtaining it died with the Thayan at the hands of her own assassin. He may have been a Red Wizard, Bastard Thayan necromancer… but he was clever. Baenund will never have that amulet. She will never know its power… the near invincibility of it… she will never sweep the Underdark and the Surface in her lust for blood and power. In that knowledge, it makes all those years of suffering worth it… and any suffering thereafter bearable.

Still I am left to wonder: Just how big is this web, how many fibers make up its intricate design? Indeed this web is far reaching, Lolth’s children walk it gracefully as the unwitting and unwilling get caught in this net. There are those who will destroy her intricate work. The spiders that crawl here will perish beneath the boot of those who despise her more than I. I know in the back of my mind that I will not escape unscathed. I endured such for four years. I had not my hope or my faith then. Let the darkness come! I will stand. I will endure. My faith is my strength, Hope shall be my light. The darkness will recede.
~~

There was more trouble with Joan. I had gone to Beregost to seek Elrith. Still there are those questions that I need to ask her that were not answered. Mostly because I hadn’t the time to be patient enough to seek them. Sam had come to me and spoke of someone seeking her a couple days prior. Fearing that time was against me I set off as quickly as I could to find Joan.

I found her well, but peace seldom lasts when trouble looms. There was an assault on the keep, and a large group of bounty hunters. What Joan called a ’Formal Declaration of War’ with her as the opposing party, and a sizeable bounty. I am baffled. Information obtained from one of the bounty hunters that did not flee or die led us to the Blade and Stars.

I remembered shortly after arriving why I can’t stand nobles… especially the so call Noble Gentlemen. This fop was a disgusting pig who had been granted too much power and spoiled by material wealth. What was intended to be a diplomatic mission in obtaining peace… didn’t go as smoothly as planned. That may well be an understatement… No one died… no blood spilt. Peace was negotiated at the end of a blade rather than over a cup of tea, and how well it can be maintained remains to be seen. It is a start at least.

Now we must wait for the opposing force to make the next move. I always hated this manner of chess… when Pawns can bleed and the uppermost of the hierarchy cares little of those sacrificed to save the King. It is my persisting hope that this can be resolved peacefully and without causing too much trouble for all sides involved… Time reveals all things…
~~