The Settling

[Elvawiewiel]

It is hard… Very hard to settle down after all those years and it is times like these, it just doesn't seem to get easier. It was a very hard day for me where I found out a lot of things that finally just did it for me. I couldn’t help myself anymore… I sit here by the fire as people walk by with spite, hate, love and happiness all mixed into one little area that we call the Friendly Arm Inn. Sure it may not always be friendly, but around my Camp Fire, that is all I ever want it to be, friendly. I suppose someone has to try and uphold the name, though it is sad, because it is just a downhill battle. Every time things seem to calm down and smooth out another issue comes up, and while it might be interesting or informative, it is ultimately sad in its own way. That sense of understanding that reaches so deep into me that I feel that I need to empathize with people to understand them. It is that sense of understanding that I feel gives me a connection to people that no other can seem to replicate, that sense of knowing a person. That bad feeling you get because you try to understand their intentions or feelings when you know they are up to no good.

That is how I feel today. I read and watch a lot of people but there are few deserving of the poor Ilmater priestess that I’ve become fond of. She reminds me so much of what we used to call each other, the sisters we never had and how she has the ability to aspire to greatness. So many shelter her though, and I feel that it is not helping her grow into the person she needs to become. Sadly the events as of late have not exactly supported this though. She is in love with a man, who does not seem to replicate these feelings, but he will not tell her this, in fact he does the opposite. He proclaims love yet will not even hold her in his arms. She supports him and believes it is his duty that he follows and it is all that separates him from her in their pursuit of a happily ever after. She puts all her faith and love into him to the extent where it blinds her from what is apparent to the rest of us. Perhaps she simply did not want to know, but how could I in good faith as her friend know that this is simply not true? How could I let her believe all is well and that she will live happily with a man, whom I know cannot be faithful to her? She is a gentle soul, I suppose that is another trait that reminds me of the sister I never had, though her other friends are too gentle. I always say they coddle her, because as much as you love your friends and feel the need to protect them, sometimes for them to grow, you need to let them trip and stumble abit.

With this know, I knew she was never going to be ready for what I had told her this eve. This man she cared so deeply for though, has betrayed her for another, and almost a second other from what I have heard. It was not unforeseen though, in fact it was so plain of sight how uninterested or faithful he was to her that it pains me to know that she probably could have talked nothing but praise and thanks to this man. A smile on her face, while I wear my own, but it is simply that, wearing a stage-face. I could not smile inside, I am twisted in such a sense where… I could bask in knowing that she is happy in this temporary blissful ignorance.

So who do I seek for counsel and advice? Of course my two best friends on the coast… no that is an understatement, in Faerun. I say this with confidence because I have walked across Faerun from east to west and the ones I have found here at the Gate are all that keep me here. My only anchor before the ship of Julindra sets sail, and how I love them, yet I feel I can never make them replicate this feeling. Perhaps they do feel this way for me, though I am not sure if they’ve ever expressed how much of it is really there. All that I know is that by the end of this evening, I sat there at the table staring at the fire of a candle. A strange comfort I find in an open flame burning as if it would speak to me and sooth my soul. A presence that is there but has no voice, it demands nothing, asks nothing, and only gives. That is how I feel sometimes, like that fire I stared at for so long explaining to that energetic elf that seems too out of control for her own good… Funny coming from me. I stared at this flame and explained how much I love them and how hard I try, only to hope they show how proud they are of me for what I’ve done. Confirmation that I have done right and well, and that things will work out for the best. To feel loved from them with the same love I feel for them that if they were to ever leave me that my life would never be the same again. It is this feeling and that I knew she would feel, that priestess, this feeling that your love is not returned. While it might be there, without it being expressed or known in some tangible way, it is ultimately meaningless.

That is why I wanted to cry when I heard that he did not even hold her. My friends, they said they wanted to talk to him first, the one that had wronged her, though I suppose at the time I did not listen. All my efforts were focused on the Ilmater priestess, and knowing that the sooner it was done, the sooner she could go back to her normal self, though this is her first love, and truthfully, I am not sure if she will ever go back to her true self. I will be there to help bring it out of her though. We sat there for hours as we tried to explain the situation though. I purposefully positioned myself so that she could not get out of that booth without going past me… I knew she was a runner… I knew she was like me… and even though I knew how this would turn out, I suppose it is not something you can expect or ever be prepared for. I was at a loss for words and how aggravating is that to put all your efforts to do well for someone, and when they need you most, when they need you to be there for them in a time of pain, and there is nothing. I know though if this talk did not happen, he might say something that would win my friends over, because that is the kind of people they are, forgiving, of second chances. Normally I would agree, but this priestess in so much pain, it is unforgivable. Perhaps later I will learn that he regrets what he has done and perhaps one day he can prove this to me. Though I can at least sit here and write this knowing that they are wiser, and they know how this girl felt. Though I felt their stares like daggers at me, I knew that her words, seeing her as she is, with all her belief and faith in a man that is unfaithful, they would be wiser and more knowledgeable. Though this poor priestess sitting beside me sobbing telling herself and us that this was her fault and not his, yet all I could do was deny that, that it was his fault and not hers. It never seems enough at the time, I know and have been there, I understand… Though I now understand how impossible it is to really console a person in such a position or state…

Funny how understanding always ties back into it all, and how little good does sometimes…