Mirana Silvermoon.

[Anbringehr]

Mirana
Everyone talks about fighting their inner demons. Most people's demons are just figments of their imaginations, spurred on by accelerates or catalysts like Alchohol or Dreamweed. My inner demons are quite real, and are looking for a way out. My emotions. They are there, and they are dying to get out.

When I was a little girl. Evil entered my heart and soul. It is hard to explain. I'm not inherently evil, but I'm not exactly benevolent either. Take for example, last week a child was drowning and I had the means to save it, and I didn't , not because of lacking ability, but because I simply do not care. I could try to care, but in the end, apathy always wins out.

This feeling of apathy has only grown with me as I have progressed and matured from infancy to adulthood. I understand it for what it truly is. Neutrality. As with the child dying; dying is not necessarily a bad thing, neither is my attitude toward life and death. To have extended my arm to aid the failing child, I would have denied the creatures in the river who would have thrived on those nutrients, I would be denying the river creatures sustenance. Who am I to dictate the whims of fate. A bright lizard is easily picked off, while the one who blends in is in a safer position. The child was unable to swim, through the fault of either its parentage or its own misgivings, it lacked the capability to survive through a difficult and trying time, so therefore it perished. The law of survival prevailed, that only the strongest, or the most cunning survive. The child was neither.

It is the way of nature. As a student of nature, I must embrace its ideals if I am to become more powerful of a conjurer.

18 hours ago

Something has changed. Shifted. I can feel it. Yesterday I stopped a horde of ants from overrunning a caravan filled with goods that me and a group of mercenaries were hired to protect. Normally, I would not have accepted this quest, but something beckoned me, it begged me to be a part of this event. I accepted it, and began to feel the changes within me, was it greed? No. It was something far more sinister. Compassion.

Why this sudden change? What is happening?

I am my own person, so why is it I feel like a stranger even to myself. Why does my reflection look so unfamiliar?

6 hours ago

I have searched myself long and hard, meditating over what transpired the day before. It is hard for me to accept that I did something out of benevolence. I had no reason to stop the rampaging ants. I had absolutely no reason to dictate fate, but it wasn't..... fate. Had I stayed my hand, the caravan would have been overwhelmed, and everyone save for the cunning or cowardly would have perished along with them. Why did I save them? What was the reasoning behind it. Logic can be used to justify just about anything, but there is no need for justification, I did what needed to be done.

More and more I find myself thinking about the child by the river. What kind of life he would have had, would he have been a great healer or scholar? Or would he have grown up to be a murderous bandit? These are questions that can never be answered because I never gave them the opportunity to be asked.

This haunts me.

And it shouldn't.