Baldur's Gate : The Sword Coast Chronicles : NWN2 Persistent World

---

The book is bound in red leather, with a red leather strip attached functioning as a page holder. By the look of the cover, it is quite new. It is untitled. If one skims through the pages, it appears to be a collection of writings related to faith as well as other things which the author decides to write about.

---

---

The first page has a prayer written in the center of the page. The handwriting is very neat and elegant, it is clear that the author has taken a lot of time to make the very first page of the book stand out. In one corner, there is a dark cloud drawn from which raindrops fall. In another, there is a burning sun and in a third, a half-moon. In the fourth corner, there is a red cord which extends to frame in the whole prayer.

---

He wept for the hungry;
He wept for the sick;
He wept for the lost;
He wept for the broken;
He wept even as the rains fell, and as the sun parched the dusty earth, and as the moon shrank to a sliver;


And he said 'I will be there'.

---

---

On this page, there are the tenets of the faith of Ilmater. They are written elegantly with a border of daisies around the words (which any Ilmateri may recognize as one of the flowers connected to the deity). Some may recognize the writing among others from the prayer book found in the Ilmateri Temple.

---

Universal words shared with those new to the faith. Often repeated.


Persevere in the face of pain.

Heal the sick, the wounded, and the diseased.

Comfort the dying, the griefstricken, and the heartsick.

Take on the burdens and the pain of others.

Champion the causes of the oppressed and unjustly treated, and give shelter and kind counsel to the lonely, the lost, and the ruined.

Pursue the service of Ilmater, and he will provide—leave gross riches and the acquisition of all but medicines to others.

Take up the tasks no others dare.

---

---

The tenents for the clergy of Ilmater are surrounded by a border of daisies and perhaps a bit oddly; lions.

---

Words spoken when the novice becomes Adorned. His words.


Help all who hurt, no matter who they are.

The truly holy take on the suffering of others.

Suffer in His name and He will be there to support you.

Stick to your cause if it is right, whatever the pain and peril.

Stand up to all tyrants, resisting in ways both great and small.

Allow no injustice to go by unchallenged.

There is no shame in a meaningful death.

---

---

The words on this page appear to be written with some magical ink; it shimmers and sparkles in the light. With the same ink, drops have been spread around the prayer to look like magical sparks.

---

Dogmatic prayer of Mystra.

"If you find anything agreeable, let your heart whisper, 'And so we bless our Lady of Mysteries.'"


Our Lady of Mysteries, let us love magic for itself.

Let us not use it merely as a ready weapon to shape the realms to our own will.

Let us learn when not to use our magic, and thus acquire your true wisdom.

Let us love and play with magic, and learn how best to wield it.

Let us avoid using others to pay the price for our use of magic.

Let us strive to use our magic less and less as we grow more and more.

Let us always remember that the threat or promised use of the Art often outweighs its performance.


And so we bless our Lady of Mysteries.

---

---

Awakened.

A second chance, it has been said. Though this would likely be my third. I remember with horror that awakening. Questioned and then discarded. Something gone wrong, and thus my mind useless. Unreliable. Through some act of mercy, it seemed a waste for them to kill me when so much had been spent on getting me back.

There was mercy in this one too, a great amount of it. Yet misfortune too. Magic feels distant, my limbs heavy and everything looks grey. Whatever was done, I know the after-effects were unintentional. I recall back to this moment of awakening with horror as well. The last memory in my mind then was a quiet day at the Temple and then going to bed with my love.

The next thing I know, I take in panicked breaths, feeling as if the air in my lungs was not enough. A golden man stood near, saying I had to look to my saviour... that it was now my time to save him; to heal him. Ameris lay there on the floor, among crushed diamonds and sprinkles of holy water. In my state, I thought him dead already but placing a hand upon his chest revealed he still took breath. Another urge from the man of light to save him... and I despaired.

Confused, weakened and with the weave so distant when it was once so near... and did they not know mages do not wield healing powers? We wield great powers of destruction. Then others come to heal and mend what we have destroyed. No, I am too harsh... We can offer protections, to help warriors make through battles they otherwise would not. And magic can make people smile. It can be a beautiful thing, the colours and sensations...

The official story from the Enclave seems to be that I attacked them with vile magic. Only thinking about it, fills me with disgust. Gentle words fill my mind, "Then come and see me, and unleash your magic against me instead." The same voice which spoke of the Lady of Mysteries and what the Lady wished for those of us wielding the Art. When the words were said, I wept. I could only see all I had done wrong. It is not the Lady who decides how I wiggle my fingers but I.

How does one right such wrongs...? It is not possible to change what has been done and perhaps I am too proud, as I refuse to to bow my head too low and do as others bid. I follow the priest, the lion, the peacock... my friend, my love. Even had we not become what we are, I would have sworn my loyalty to him. There is no other I have wronged as much, caused so much pain to, as Ameris. But even that is not enough. There are requirements, things he wishes I would do. His family.

We have spoken words of sharing burdens. Perhaps there is too much pain in him, to deal with mine. I will need... to set such aside. I struggle, I hurt... but when all come to seek comfort from him and his words - he comes to seek comfort in mine. To unburden himself. Is it right for me then to place burdens upon him...? If I asked him that question, he would speak of our promises. And yet, yet...

Weakness. It cannot be allowed. Though I do fear what takes place of it. A coldness and also a burning hot fury underneath. To strike and not be struck. Too late for such, perhaps. No, something else must take its place.

Aeili has agreed to seek Mystra's blessings for me, through a Magefire ceremony. I have looked to the Lady of Mysteries more in the past moons and sought comfort in the light of the eight pointed star. I have never spoken out loud, to the Lady, stating my worship in an official like manner which Aeili spoke of. In some ways, I have not dared to. How can the Lady embrace a soul which has done such wrongs with her gift...? She did accept the scroll though. The spell which had caused such harm. It must be a sign... and I should not despair... Aeili more than most, deserves my trust and belief. And she believes the Lady will grant me her blessings.

I have studied the Lady of Mysteries' teachings. I have the items required as offerings. Symbolic things. Ameris keeps saying that symbols are important. There is still fear in my heart but I am determined to overcome it. Instead I shall have my heart whisper, "And so we bless our Lady of Mysteries."

---

---

Magefire.

The ceremony was... beautiful. I cannot describe it in any other way. Aeili first had me sworn as a proper worshipper of the Lady of Mysteries and then I laid out my offerings on the altar. A crystal goblet, an onyx comb and hand mirror, a dark dragonhead shaped wand and lastly a jewlery box encrusted with gems. All of it worth a fortune but to me, they were worthless. I had thought to toss them over the fence of the Enclave, broken and crushed into pieces. I am glad I did not and instead, these were offered to Mystra. It offered me a sense of inner peace I doubt I would have found otherwise. I had spent some time to imbue each item with the magic she had blessed me with and then watched her accept all of them. It meant something.

Aeili, Priestess Neela, Laitae and Ameris contributed with spells. I was told to lie down on the altar and Aeili spoke some words I can not quite remember. As blue fire erupted around me, it carried my body up in the air and my mind to some other place. I am not quite sure what it all meant and what happened but I felt... joy. I felt her touch, her warmth, her embrace. My weariness left me and my heart felt lighter. I think I saw the weave which had been woven into the strings of a lyre and the music.. it was beautiful. The kind which soothes all aches and tells you that everything will be alright. Like a mother's touch.

The feeling of bliss though did not last forever. I lost a friendship I had held dear despite warnings. Perhaps I should stand for some of the consequences... but my behaviour was also erratic and unreasonable because of what had happened when I had been brought back. I spoke words, I thought, to a friend who could listen and would understand. My tongue moved too freely, in my moment of despair and grief. Words travelled, distorted... and then there was coldness and accusations of betrayal. And yet in the same breath he spoke of his own games with me. I could not even be truly angered. Is not such what I deserve, after having treated others like mere pawns? I will accept it yet my heart weeps that my words were not understood as I had meant them. Even if he is a bastard, I did hold him dear as a friend. The aid he has given, I will remain thankful of that and not let anger overshadow such.

I have kept my pain poorly from my love. The promises we have spoken of, I once more have failed to keep to them. His oaths as a priest and as one who Harps... many times have they made things difficult between us. I knew of something for over a moon and anger of it suddenly emerged at a reminder and when I felt he had wronged me, I used it to stab at him. It pains me, to see these words in writing and it is shameful. He misunderstood me when I said I could not be at the Temple. It hurt him deeply and the words he said... they cut me deeply too. Not because any anger in them but the hurt felt in them, over causing -me- pain. And the grief of the thought of being apart. Reassurances were made.

I went and spoke with Cecilia the day after, with newfound determination. I had sent her a letter asking to meet but put it off. It went... better than I expected. In the end, what mattered was that we both care about Ameris and that the friction between us causes him pain. We may never speak warmly with each other but we can at least speak and behave cordially in the same room, with an understanding. A great weight had been lifted from my heart and I went to kneel at the altar of the Crying God. I spoke to Ilmater at length, of my wrongs and how I was trying and how I sometimes stumbled and failed. How poorly I sometimes treated his servant. Ameris came in the Chapel after a while and joined me. I asked Ilmater for forgiveness for my actions and then I asked for his. It was given. He ask for forgiveness as well and that too, was given. More words of reassurance were said. I aim to keep to them. Even if I have done so poorly so far.

Later in the evening, Cecilia was speaking with Eldarian in the Chapel. It ended in blows. I cannot help but wonder if she truly did agree with my words and my wish to bring peace to Ameris' family. I realize the promise I said to the Broken God goes much further than I thought it would. I had thought it was just between me and Cecilia but there is a great tension between his brother and sister too. I will not back down, especially not when I saw how overjoyed Ameris was and then later how much it grieved him to hear what had happened in the Chapel.

I will try.

---

---

Promises.

"She will apologize soon," he said. As if such words would placate me when they are only said by her in a time where I am supposed to feel sympathy for her. I grieve Jon but I will not offer her comfort or pretend what she did never happened. It did. I will remain cordial but friendship... it is gone. Ameris wanted me to soothe her but how can I. I came to -her- to seek relief from what troubled me and she used it and turned it against me.

I realize I do not have many friendships. Aeili is travelling and I might have needed her, if only to know how to control these feelings inside me and what they might bring forth. Who else is there? They only offer me smiles and kind words because of Ameris. I do not fault them but it feels... heavy. I have mixed feelings about Tegeus, I would once have called him friend but I cannot do so no more. There will always be tension, not to mention the way he so often glares at me. He offered to aid me with weapon practice but his words were terse and each time he pointed his blade at me and said 'Dead' I wanted to -kill him-.

Yet, I did not. I was furious, at Ameris... at Endelyon... at Tegeus. In the past, the walls and floor of the arena would have been slick with his blood. Such is not in me any more. Though for each slap of the blade he gave because my stance was not good enough... gods. I am a vile being. To even think and want what I thought of then. Perhaps it is just as well that I am so weak. When I got changed earlier, I noticed I had large bruises all over. I am marked too easily and I suspect it is yet another change. I should likely not see the Doombringer, if he brings such anger in me. I am not sure if I can contain it for longer.

I may have a new friend - Silvyr. Ameris picked the name and even aided in finding him. I went with the name of the past Tethyrian king as I thought I would otherwise have to be rid of him because Reine is apparently allergic. Once you name something, it becomes important. I called the cat by the chosen name all night yesterday to try and make him used to it, I will not change it out of spite... He was angry being lured into the backpack by some ham and I carried him away easily enough. I asked for some nice fish to be prepared and he ate it from my hand after some time and even licked my fingers. He explored the room and showed curiosity at some things but came back to sit near me. He purrs loudly when stroked. A soothing sound. I had feared he would hate me too and hide all the time. It is a relief.

I am not yet sure what to do. Ameris wished to meet but gods... I could not. His words sounded pathetic in my ears and I do fear what I would do to him if we met in anger. He is still my love and will always be. But I will not share him with a denizen of the dark. Is it as I said..? That he only seeks the company of other women, to soothe his pain over her? Am I just a fool, another woman from who he seeks relief from pain? I had thought not but now, now I am not as certain. He claims he does not lie but does he even know what he wants?

Her favour is carried on him at all times, only recently did he add mine to it and it was by chance. A symbol of faith. What am I supposed to make out of it...? A woman he loved so dearly in the past, a woman he used to come to me for advice on... and I would give it, even if it hurt that his love was not for me. She refuses to speak, does not acknowledge him and then when she does, he drops everything to be at her side. There were no words exchanged prior between us. Only that he will see her, then later that he will be gone for a few days, with her.

After all the words of reassurances and promises, even plans set in motion... [there is a collection of ink at the end of the sentence] I made promises of that I would try to accept his family, or at least tolerate them. Especially her. To understand that he has to be there for them if they are in need, as I try to understand whenever someone else requires his time. Be it a minor illness, a shoulder to weep against or some evil wrecking havoc somewhere.

Yet the way he holds her so dear. I had accepted their love and was going to stand aside for it but he said it was not returned. And then he sought comfort in my embrace and I let it happen. I could not just keep it to that, I wanted... him. But I do not wish to live in lies any more. His words are often cryptic. There are oaths upon oaths as high walls between us. Murmured apologies for not sharing what he is doing because there is no trust from others. I smile and bow my head, saying I understand. Duty is above all else. I know he will not set aside his faith and I would not wish for that. Still, it brings ache to my heart. Will my promises last through all? I will meet him. But not now.


[written some time later, in a shakier hand]

I close my eyes and I can hear his words said in the dungeon of how I will never measure up to her.

And other words. A voice saying he will not make me happy. But who can?

---

---

Forgiveness.

The One Who Endures is a god of mercy and of forgiveness. He believes in change. The lonely, the lost and the ruined have rarely chosen their path. Perhaps they never had a choice, or never realized that they did. I did not. His servants are not to judge those people or be stern. Instead they are to be understanding, compassionate and kind. That is how I understand it. I have done many things wrong. I have been forgiven even though I have not expected it. Yet I find forgiving others very difficult. Is it pride or anger...? I am not sure. Perhaps pain.

I had been angered with Endelyon. I received a letter from her. It reminded me much of the friendship we had shared but there were some surprises. Something which gave Ameris cause to worry. In a way, I am glad it took a while for Endelyon and me to speak. I saw things much differently now. There was no anger left, some pain but mostly sadness. I said she had been right about him, that if someone gives up friendship so easily... and manipulates and lies, were they ever a true friend? I also said I understood why she had done what she did. Though I told her that I could not trust her any more and that it would be too dangerous if I could not do so. We will remain cordial with each other. She places her own above all else and so I must put Ameris, myself and the family we want to have above all else too. Though I fear he will not let this go, that he will pursue it and place us in danger.

I have felt much anger and hurt in the past days. I do not want to deal with the dangers that lurk outside the city walls. I have enough to think of as it is. Ameris and I made our peace, only to return to the Temple of the Broken God to have Alison accuse me of lying and insult me. I have had enough of that in the Temple. It is the closest thing I have to home and the Crying God knows what I have endured there. Ameris chose to talk to Alison before me. I walked out. It was a misunderstanding of some sort and he had angered at her as well. I care little if people believe my words or forgive me, I do not seek such. It was the insulting remarks and how I once more felt put aside for something considered more important. Is this pride...? Will I ever get used to this?

I learned some things today. By the gods. It was hurtful. It still is. I did not expect it. I did not know what would come of it but I stayed. Words of forgiveness were said but other heavy things needed to be said and shown as well. All those months... over a year... I was pained and maybe some part of me thought that once he had declared his affections and intentions, my heart would heal. It has healed a little and then be stabbed repeatedly between the heals. Yet I have love for him and I know it would tear me apart to not be close. I will not let this come between us. I may weep but in the pain, I will find strength...

Nëa has returned. She ripped two notes to pieces that I had left for fellow troupe members and signed one of the torn pieces with her name. I saw her today in the Theater. She was very hostile. She thought Herran had betrayed her by allowing me inside the Theater. He was supposed to clear it up though I have not seen him for a long time. Nëa had been in Waterdeep for a while. I had been the one doing the Open Stages and introducing new members. What would the Theater become, if I had not been there? And suddenly I am hissed at and told to leave. I wish Nëa and I could at least interact cordially but I hold no hopes. After two years, she still holds a grudge against Ivan. I only hope she can see that Ameris meant no harm to her. She has no right to go around and say the things she does about him with intent to cause him hurt.

It took me a long time to learn that mercy is powerful thing and that to forgive others, it requires strength. To put aside all other feelings and especially the selfish ones. I am not sure I always have that strength but I am constantly reminded of the forgiveness I have received from others. If I was now who I was a year ago, I would have sought many people's demise for the pain they have caused me. But I am not. I endure instead.

Mercy bless.

---

---

Symbol.

I met with the dark one. I had many times thought of how such a meeting would go down. In many of the imaginary scenes painted up by my mind, she suffers a horrible and slow demise by my hand. Yet, all throughout the time I knew of her, I never told anyone. Not until that time in Ulgoth's Beard and I returned what I had stolen. It was a foolish thing to do but my actions were governed by emotions. Especially after that letter too... but he said he had not meant me in it. Women of low virtue.

Strangely enough, the meeting went rather calmly. We stepped aside to talk in private. The words exchanged left me with much to think about. I managed to get Ameris to renounce his oath at least, to take the place of another's soul... It angers me still thinking of it. He says it is not for love he said such a thing but faith. Yet he admitted to still have feelings for her. It stung. I said I would not prevent him from going after her, if he chose to but he said he did not, that his place was by my side. I cannot help but to think it is only because she rejected him.

What if she changes her mind? Will he drop all he has, to rush to be by her side? To live like a wildman in the woods. There are no words that can reassure me it will not happen. I am not sure how to take it as but... if we can live together if only for a while, surely that has to mean something? Even if it is not fifty years, the time we share should be valued.

Yet there is a bitterness in my heart.

I feel... as if I have got what I yearned for but of course, the dreams are nothing like reality. I do not only have my dearest friend. I have him as a priest, which I have never really had before. Not only that but he expects me to be a light like he is. A symbol. I am -not- a symbol. We argued of it. If I am not a symbol, I am something wicked. There is nothing in-between and I disagreed. I do not know what this means for us. Then he relented and said that the fact that I had changed was enough.

But is it?

He is a master of carefully selecting his words. Sometimes he may just as well lie with the way he circumvents speaking of some things. There are things left unspoken. I do not know what is expected. For me to throw myself at his god's feet and give my life to Ilmater, in the service of others..? How can one who says he fights for freedom, wish for such things! Walk away from the clutches of Zhentarim, where it was service and bowing one's head... to go back to something like that. My life would not be my own. Hells, it barely is now. I may as well have signed my soul over to the Dukes of the city with what I did.

There is too much anger thinking of this. I did it for one reason and for one reason alone - to be near him. For that, I have sacrificed much. What if it is truth that all I have done, is only... motivated by such? And does he stay by my side, only because he fears what will be if he does not? Am I just another sick puppy he feels compelled to look after? Due to guilt...? I cannot tell.


There is love. Perhaps it will be enough, to see through the bitterness and anger. I will pray that it is and that we may both find strength in it.

---

---

A song is written in elegant script on the page. It is evident that it must have meant much to the writer. There is a hand drawn, holding a heart. Blue swirls surrounds the hand and heart; healing magic. From the wrist of the hand hangs a holy symbol of Ilmater; a bloody rack with the symbol of Saint Ramedar in the form of a rock violet.

---

Song of healing in the name of Ilmater.

Take my mind and take my pain,
Like an empty bottle takes the rain.
And heal, heal, heal, heal.

Take my past and take my sins,
Like an empty sail takes the wind.
And heal, heal, heal, heal.

And tell me some things last.
And tell me some things last...

Take my heart and take my hand,
Like an ocean takes the dirty sands.
And heal, heal, heal, heal.

Take my mind and take my pain,
Like an empty bottle takes the rain.
And heal, heal, heal, heal.

And tell me some things last.
And tell me... some things last.


//Original Heal by Tom Odell

---

---

Ribbon.

Aunt Kathil used to look after me during the long days when my mother was at work, washing clothes for others in a building some alleys away. Aunt Kathil was an old woman and had lost her husband and both her sons out at the sea, when a storm claimed their fishing boat. She had little to live on but made it by somehow. It was not something a little child would think of; the how. I recall her as a boring old woman, steeped over some knitting and was mostly left to my own devices. My days were spent outside, playing with other children like myself. Perhaps my words do not put Aunt Kathil in a good light but she was a good woman. I was fed when I was hungry, comforted when I hurt myself and she did look after me to make sure I was safe. The place Aunt Kathil lived in, was much like my mother's and mine. Just a small room filled with the necessary things. She only had one chair, in which she sat constantly. Her house, if it can be called that as it was just a room, was a small distance from my mother's and she sent me home at the usual time in the evening. Like with Aunt Kathil, I thought little of the struggles my mother went through. My mind was a child's and my eyes took the world in as a child would.

Every day I saw my mother leave early in the morning looking proper and neat, telling me to go to Aunt Kathil's, then return in the evenings looking haggard. I used to think of my mother as pretty. Maybe all children do think so of theirs. She always had her brown wavy hair kept up in a bun and she brushed it twice a day. Sometimes I was allowed to braid it. It looked no good of course, done by my small incompetent hands but she never minded. Her eyes were a vibrant green, I recall. If it were not for them, I am not sure anyone, even myself, would have though me to be her daughter. With my own skin being so pale and my hair darker than the night. She told me often how much I looked like my father. There would be sorrow in her eyes as she did so but she never spoke of him otherwise, even if I asked. This was nothing unusual, of course. I knew other children, even those who had no mother, raised by other family instead.

Sometimes my mother was already home but this day she was not, so I played with my doll Carina while I waited. Mother and Aunt Kathil had helped to make her. Aunt Kathil was going to give her new hair, I remember. It was going to be long and pretty. The three legged wooden dog Barker was defending Carina against bandits. The bandits were just sticks beating at Carina and Barker always managed to fend them off in the end, even if he only had three legs. His bark was magical, being blessed with such because he was so brave. The door creaked open as the bandits were demanding Carina's gold. Mother smiled at me and leaned down to kiss me on my head, ruffling my dark locks. A smile appeared on her lips, lightening up her face, "Oh dear, is Carina in trouble..? Is Barker going to be able to hold back all those bad men?" Some pretend worry was in her voice.

"Of course he is ma! Look!" I guided Barker towards the stick figures and he barked. They all fell down at once. Maybe I wanted to impress her, show her how good Barker was. She laughed but her laughter was cut short by a coughing fit. I set up another bandit ambush whilst mother placed her bag on the table. She took out some food and a small bottle. I remember her looking at the bottle for a long time before she got a spoon and poured some up on it, ingesting it. She coughed again and made a grimace. As she noticed I was looking at her, she smiled instead. "Are you hungry Tel? Did you eat at Kathil's?"

"We had stew," It was always stew. And if there was too much water, it was called soup instead. Mother nodded and began to make some stew herself while I continued to play. We ate together at the table and she asked me what I had been doing. I used to tell her of all the adventures Carina and Barker had been on. She listened to them, laughed and looked sad at all the right moments. I helped mother put away the dishes and then she went to lie down in bed. I was not feeling very tired myself but I went to lie down next to her, holding on to Carina as always. Mother's eyes were closed but I knew she was awake. I was quiet, just listening to her shallow breathing. Too shallow, I now know. Her eyes opened after a while and she sat up, unbraiding my hair, brushing through it and braided it anew. It was a silent daily ritual for us both. "There. We will get a pretty ribbon for you to have in your hair on your birthday."

"Really..? Can I choose it?" I was excited, it was something special and I knew such things cost coin which were scarce for us. "Of course you can Tel." She smiled but looked so tired, sinking back into the pillows. "Can Carina have one too?" I looked at my doll, the question asked with uncertainty but great hope. "Of course she can, else she would be too jealous of you!"

We dressed for sleep and I lied down beside her again. She kept me close, an arm around me. Is there anything in the world that feels more safe than that..? Mother then told me the story of The Three Toads, one I loved and laughed at each time. Often what the toads said, changed too, which made the story ever fun to hear. She sang me the lullaby she always did and I fell asleep.

---

---

Gone.

All children slept on straw mattresses on the floor, often having to share a mattress with someone else. You would be lucky to share a bed with someone who did not wet themselves during the night. Bedwetting was always punished severely. I shared my bed with an older girl, Flori, who never spoke. The other children used to tease Flori, saying she was retarded but she did listen and understand what was said to her. She always did as she was told by the attendants. Thinking back, Flori must have been their favourite as she was so compliant and always quiet without needing to be told.

Every day we would be woken up soon after sunrise and lead to the bathroom. Cold water was placed in large wooden containers and the oldest children always went first to carry the water whilst the attendants still woke up the slower, youngest children. The attendants helped only the very youngest of children. If someone did not want to get up, use the toilet or wash themselves they did not get any breakfast and sometimes no food at all.

Breakfast had to be eaten in silence with two attendants staring down at us all. While seconds were never allowed, we always had to finish our food even if it sometimes was vile. Mostly it was just flavourless and we always had porridge for breakfast. Sometimes wet, sometimes very sticky and sometimes grainy but it was still porridge. After breakfast we all had chores to do. Cleanliness was important and every area of the orphanage had to be dusted, swiped or scrubbed. Our clothes were also washed often. If it was not the fear of bugs I do not think the attendants would have cared about it.

There were big tubs where the washing was done. Carrying the hot water was a difficult task. Most but the very oldest and tallest struggled with the laundry, as their arms including mine were too short for the large tubs and the ropes upon which the clothes dried. We still had to do it and every day, we made sure it was done. In silence, of course, just as everything else.

At lunchtime, we were often served one slice of bread with a cup of water. There would be a silent jealousy when you received the end of a bread, the smallest part, as we were always hungry. I guess that is a thing with children, the constant hunger. Having our food taken away as punishment was a thing of horror. Often it was just for talking, or even laughing.

After lunch, we had to clean the dishes and then were tasked with various chores. I was given a bucket of cold water and a hard brush, to scrub the stairs with. Even though the stairs were not always so dirty, they had to be scrubbed meticulously. Then was the time all children looked forward to - playtime. It was the only time of the day we could play but we still had to do so quietly to not annoy the attendants. The worst of all punishments was no playtime. Those children had to stand in a corner and do nothing while other children played. If no food was horror, no playtime was pure dread.

Like all the other children, I was always very happy when playtime came around. At playtime, each child had to pick a toy from a shelf which they would play with. The children who had been the best during the day, had the first pick. I had been allowed to take Carina with me and if I had been good, I was allowed to play with her. I did so under a tree in the small garden with yellow dry grass. Some children had got into a fight and the attendants were rushing over there. Voices were raised, children were crying. Two boys, Woris and Alden, and a girl, Natesa, came over where I was.


"I like your doll," Natesa said with a strange smile. "Can I borrow it?"

I looked up, blinked and hugged Carina close to me. "Carina doesn't want to play with you."

"Carina? You named your doll?" Woris said mockingly. He held a wooden boat in a hand.

Alden and Natesa laughed. "Oh come on, can I have her just for a little while?" Natesa asked again.

"No... she is my friend." I looked for the attendants but they were far away and busy.

"Friend? But we are your friends too! You are nicer to 'Carina' than you are to us!" Alden grinned, he had a ragged ball which he threw up in the air and caught.

"You... you have your... your own toys." I was stammering, afraid of the looks they gave me.

"Natesa lost hers, she does not have anything to play with." Woris looked at Natesa, "Right?"

Natesa nodded. "You should give me your doll."

"I do not... I do not want to." I clutched Carina tightly in my arms.

Woris and Alden exchanged a look and Alden reached to grab for Carina.

"No! You can't have her!" I shouted and as I raised my voice, Woris smacked me over the head with his toy boat. I could not hold on to her and felt her being torn away from me. They laughed and one of them kicked me in the stomach.



I lay there for a while, blood pouring from a cut made by the toy boat and clutching my aching stomach, until one of the attendants came. "Telia! What is this? Did we not say that playing in the tree is forbidden?"

"I did... I did not play in the tree, Miss Areni. Natesa, Woris and Alden stole my doll," I managed to weakly get out. By the sound of the attendant's voice, I knew I was in deep trouble. It did not matter what I would say.

She leaned over me, mouth a straight thin line. "You fell down and hit your head. Are you lying to me, Telia?"

"No, no... I am not!" Tears filled my eyes even though I tried hard not to cry. They hated it when you cried and it was so difficult to stop crying.

"Get up!" Miss Areni barked at me. I tried to but the world around me swam. She leaned down and pinched my arm very hard. "Ow!"

"Get up!" she ordered again and I managed to stand on my feet after that encouragement, swaying. She then gasped, with disappointment. "Your clothes are bloody! All ruined!"


I was lead inside where I was hit several times with a belt, causing more blood to stain my clothes. I remember I cried out and that I even then, was told to be quiet and accept my punishment. There was no dinner for me and I was to be without playtime tomorrow. I was sent immediately to bed and was sitting as carefully as I could to not make my wounds hurt more when Natesa walked over. "Thank you. We had fun."

She threw me something, a round thing. "You are a good friend." I picked it up and saw that it was a head. Carina's head, except it was muddy and most of her hair had been torn out. I looked up and Natesa was at her bed and smiled at me before she turned away to sleep. I hid the head under the straw mattress. The attendants were seeing the youngest children to bed and I curled up on the mattress like I was expected to, despite the pain pulsing from my head and from the marks the belt had left, and the hollow feeling inside me.

There were always children who talked about how their parents would come and get them one day. I was one of them. I thought my mother would wake up from her rest and come and get me when she was not tired any more. But I knew then that she was as dead as Carina was. I placed my fist into my mouth, so that I would make as little sound as possible when I cried.

---

---

Medicine.

"A coin to spare sir..? For my sickly brother...?" My hand was held out in a hopeless fashion, and my expression mirrored that emotion.

"Madam, please..."

"My brother is sick and needs medicine...."

"We are hungry, do you have... coin to spare..."

Benji clung to my leg the whole time, a dirty thumb stuck into his mouth. We looked a bit too different to be siblings but the dirt and grime we were covered in made it more difficult to see. People continued to walk past, most not even sparing us a glance. We were just two among many of the rabble who sought to survive somehow in the City of Splendors.

Benji coughed every once in a while and each time I heard that sound, I still recall how my heart clenched tighter and I looked down at him with worry. He was oblivious to this worry, that something was wrong with him. He was a lot more tired and quieter than he usually was, barely speaking any more. We used to get a bit more coin when he was helping but he had stopped with that and instead began to cling to me. He was no more than five years old, I think. Someone in the house we shared had taken him in out of pity, he had been found in an alley and had nearly starved to death. I do not even know who it was who took him in as I saw no one look after him. It did not matter. What mattered was that we got the coin. It was not for food I wanted it for, I had gone mostly without for days with only small morsels.

We did get by alright when Benji was feeling better but it was late autumn now and all the summer visitors had left. They were easier to get pity from and more generous. Maybe they saw us more easily because we had not become a backdrop, like for the Waterdhavians. An old man paused just long enough to toss a few coppers at our feet. He hurried away, not looking at us. I dropped down to my knees and quickly scrambled for the coins. We stayed until late evening like that, only a few times leaving to drink water from a fountain. At least the city did not charge for that. The day's gainings were poor but it was enough. We headed to a fountain the last time for the evening. I scooped the water in my own hands and tried to make Benji drink. He turned his head away and continued to suck on his thumb.

No amount of coaxing would make him pull out his thumb. I lead him to a house which had fallen apart, it did not even give any shelter. But there were some rocks there and I raised one, revealing a small stash of coin. I scooped them up, weighed them in my small hand then clenched my fist around them, feeling the precious metal dig into the skin of my palm. Everyone tried to set aside some coin for the days they did not manage to get much. It was not allowed really but it was worse to come back empty handed. I knew where the alchemist's house was, my mother had gone there several times. It was late but I took Benji there anyway. I had just enough for a small vial.

Radulf was not at all pleased to see two dirty beggars at his doorstep, neither was his wife for that matter but I guess it was the tears in my eyes and my hand outreached, with the coin, that made her take pity and convince her husband. With much grumbling, he bid us to wait just by the door inside and not to touch anything. There were so many things in the house, my head swam around but it was mostly occupied with the thought of the medicine that Benji would finally get so I can not really remember the strange contraptions. Benji I recall, tried to hide behind me, feeling uncomfortable.

It was not long before Radulf returned with a vial and had me put down the coin on a table so he would not need to touch me. I quickly left after I did so, taking Benji's hand and walked around the street corner before I tried to make him drink the contents of the vial, "Please Benji, you must drink this... if you do, you will get better, I promise." It took a long while to convince him and I was in tears by the time he opened his mouth, thumb still in it. He coughed some of it out but drank most. He only said one thing afterwards, "I'm tired, Tel..."

We went back to the place we stayed in. It was not like the Cutthroat's 'hideout'. All sorts stayed here but everyone who was older or simply stronger, decided the rules. I came back empty handed, which was against the rules. I took a beating for it, as I had most days lately. They always threatened to kick you out if you came back empty handed, so I knew I had to give them things tomorrow. I made promises, tears in my eyes and soon they got bored and went back to their game of cards and drink.

The next days, I scrambled together enough coin to not get beat at least. Benji however, only seemed to get worse. Just like my mother had. He became too weak to follow me and when I came back one day, he was just gone. Not there any more. His tiny body likely dumped somewhere, maybe in the harbour. Maybe outside one of the temples. Unmarked, forgotten. I felt numb when the older ones just said that it was about time, that Benji had stopped contributing so it was just right that the Lord of Bones took him.


Death did not matter.

---

---

Friendship.

"I looked all over the city for you!"

I jumped, having been deep in my thoughts. I then smiled widely when I saw it was Jonah. He paused however and fidgeted where he was stood. "Look... I..."

I had forgot about the bruise to the side of my face. "Come and look at this bird, Jonah!" I knew he felt bad. His own body was covered in fresh and healing bruises. He used to get the worst of it yet it always pained him when I hurt even the slightest.

"I've watched her... I think its a her anyway... build that nest from nothing." I pointed towards a tree in front of us where a robin was building a nest. I was sat on the wall, feet dangling down towards the graves below me.

The area which made up the City of the Dead in Waterdeep was a cursed place, where the dead rose to wander aimlessly at night. Despite the guards locking the gates then, some people of ill repute conducted their business there. During the day however it was a place of life. Families would gather and go for walks or sit in the grass, as it was one of the few places in the city where there was trees and flowers. It was green, it was vibrant. I loved going there but only during the day.

I felt Jonah move and sit down next to me. He was quiet for a while, looking at the robin who was trying to weave in some dried grass among the sticks to soften her nest. "What if we could be birds, Jonah. We could just... make a home like that, anywhere."

"Mhm... where'd you sleep last night?" Jonah usually daydreamed about such silly things with me. I had a feeling he would not let the subject go however, so I sighed and answered him.

"Down the alley by Left's shop." It had been raining and I had been too tired to go far to find someplace else. Left was an odd fellow who bought pretty much anything that was not broken or too big to fit through his door.

"Telia..!" Jonah gave me a horrified look, "That's the same alley they found that guy Hewert with his guts hanging out and body stabbed seven times! What if you... what if you.."

I gave him an annoyed look. For some reason, it used to annoy me when he worried too much. "I ain't making no false deals around here, am I, like Hewert? I'm a nobody. What would a somebody want with a nobody?"

I felt Jonah's arms wrap around me, hugging me tightly. I calmed down, as I knew he was sorry already. "You ain't a nobody, Tel. You're my best friend."

"You're my best friend too, Jonah." I gave him a smile and I remember him looking away, likely the bruise on my face too much of a reminder of how he could not have prevented the blow. His arms would still be around me for a moment longer before he pulled them back.

He was a year or two older than me and had taken me under his wing. I had never known what it was like to have a real friend until I knew Jonah. He was so selfless when it came to me. I tried to help him back when I could but I was young, weaker. Not as capable. He did not care.

I would often be left to my own devices during the days. To beg or steal small things and try to sell them at some place like Left's shop. Jonah however, had began to go with the big guys. At first, he spoke about it. Then one day, he just stooped. When I pressured him, he said he had used his knife. I understood then. I never asked again.

"I got something for you." He smiled suddenly, as if remembering something. He reached for his cloth bag and pulled out a cherry pie. My eyes widened.

"Jonah... how... how did you..?" He shook his head once, still smiling, making me take the pie. I never found out how he had got it. Had he bought it, or stolen it...? It mattered not at the time. Jonah cut the pie into slices. He seemed quite pleased with my reaction.

He wanted me to eat my share first but I knew he must be hungry too, so I told him I would feel lonely if he did not eat with me. He took only a small slice. While we ate, we continued to watch the bird for a while. She had found a piece of red cloth, I remember, and was putting that into her nest. We talked about the little treasures we imagined the birds had hidden in their nests high up in trees, out of reach from us. When I could eat no more, Jonah finished what was left.

A year or so later, he would shyly ask me if he could kiss me, at the same place on the wall where we had watched the robin build a nest and shared the rare treat of a cherry pie. It was the kind of love only children have, I suppose. It was sweet and innocent, even if our lives otherwise were not.

---