Moonlight Musings: The Journal of Rania Marie Ragnon

[taintedseraphim]

[parchment]Love is everything. Love is what makes life worth living. As a priestess of Selune,
part of my vows is to "Trust in Selune’s radiance, and know that all love alive under her light shall know her blessing". Part of the vows I undertook when becoming a full member of the Halls of Inner Light, as a Moontouched priestess of Selune, was to help foster the growth of love and especially new loves, and I am determined to do so. In fact, I've already been taking a few steps for some.

I had a diamond carved into a flawless rose, then had it anchored upon a grey marble pedestal. Upon this I had engraved a lovely poem I had written. This I gave to Cosimo and Alexandra, with my most honest and sincere hopes that the love they've managed to find between them continues to flourish and bring them both unending peace and joy. He was quite visibly moved and she wrote me a very sweet note of thank you for it. I know that she harbors much hard feelings towards me and likely still distrusts me but I meant what I said when I wrote the words that stated my hopes their love be eternal like the diamond and as thorn free as the rose there is forever. She will see that love can conquer hate, and that I simply want the best for them both, for the past is done with and is best left there, though it is what brought us to where we are now, and where she and I are is where we were meant to be, and we are all happy where we are.

To further my desire of spreading love and joy to others, I've decided to do something that is admittedly a touch for myself. I've been quietly evolving my love of alchemy into a bit of perfume making. Getting the base alcohol for it wasn't hard; potatoes are plentiful and easily make a vodka that can be used for such. The floral essences does take much more work, as does gathering other components such as vanilla, sandalwood, cederwood, ylang ylang, and others. I'm already working on branching out into cosmetics and bath oils, but for now, the first bottles of my "Midnight in the Mooshaes" are being produced. The Darius Brothers might help me distribute it! Oh, that reminds me that I have to get that proposal written up and sent to Luke. Aiyee. I swear they're going to find just one red curl sticking out of a stack of paperwork one day.

Love, however is going to make me take an entire day off, for in one day, it will be one full month since my Fingal and I began dating. Goddess, it seems like we've always been together.
Ever since that night on the beach, when we laid on the blanket, both all dressed up in our fanciest outfits and just talked while watching the stars overhead, we've been inseparable. I was afraid, truth be told, of opening to him. I'd heard the rumors, had my own serious self doubts and did not know if it would be possible for either of us to connect. And yet...and yet for some reason that night on the beach, way out where the wreckage of ships were but phantoms lurking off the shore watching us and the stars held court overhead, we both lowered our masks and dropped our defenses and we were simply honest with each other. We spoke of the mistakes we'd made, and of the pain we'd both caused others and of what we'd endured and of all the things those who feel the first spark of a connection speak of when they're testing it but of yet are too unsure if they wish to feel the full voltage of it. I'd thought still he was not serious and then he spoke of the first time he met me and I was left speechless.

He had remembered me, even though I hadn't known that was him. A simple, chance meeting, brief and unforgettable to the two of us but for very different reasons, and yet he remembered me and I had not known it was him nor that he had remembered me from my very first few days here. That did it. I took him seriously and allowed myself to risk my heart again. He isn't afraid to love me, nor of me loving him. He is able to stand up to me and make me listen when the tempest inside me brews and reaches a climatic frenzy.

Most of all, in those moments when I'm most afraid of losing him, of losing everything,
he's able to with a word or a look, erase all of that as if those fears never existed at all. There has been only one time I tried to run, to fall back into my old habit of fleeing and hiding away when I'm overwhelmed and need space to breathe. I got as far as the door and realized I couldn't breathe. I...I don't know what happened. I simply couldn't breathe then. I vaguely recall turning to hold the sofa to keep from toppling over and then suddenly I felt his powerful arms around me, and him drawing me back against his chest. His scent, that evocative scent of wine and leather and -him-, was all encompassing and his warm breath fell against my ear as he whispered "Now why don't you tell me what's really bothering you, my love? I'm never letting you go, and if you run, I will follow you. I will teleport all over and I will find you because you are my everything."

Right then, I knew without doubt or hesitation that I was meant to go through everything I had experienced in my life up to this point just so I could fully appreciate and love him as he deserves and I am so grateful to Selune and Sune for such. Tomorrow is going to be a full day of me showing both them and him just how grateful I am. Now...to get packing for his surprised. I've a few more things to collect for it, and then the boat to rent. This time, definitely not falling asleep on desk sunbathing. Ouch.[/parchment]

[taintedseraphim]

Today's Card:

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Star often comes up around those who feel their soul purpose is to reach out to others and inspire them to discover their own inner light. This card also serves as a reminder to get in touch with your true power. In the night sky, stars look like tiny points of light, but in reality, they are massive sources of energy.

You are larger than you think you are and can tap into vast sources of power you may not even realize. Relax and know that you are being supported and encouraged to reach your higher goals.

[parchment]Twice this card has come up. Once it was given to me by someone, with the person stating it is me. The second was today, when I did a self reading. Curious. I've been returning to my base foundation. I've stopped running from the Maiden and accepted her full desire for me. My love of research and yes, even my former focus in conjurations has been renewed and is being studied again. I almost...-almost-...feel as I did when I first stepped off that boat and actually held such high hopes for this place.

Duty calls more to me of late, and I find myself far more interested in that than the trivial pastimes of many. I do not understand the concept of ingesting copious amounts of alcohol to the point you lose control of one's ability to act rationally or be in control of one's self. I know it is in part related to why I tried to fight against the visions, of why I tried to not fully embrace Selune's path for me.

I can't be like her. The very thought of being drunk sickens me, and watching others become that way...it scares me. Fingal, bless his heart, tried to change that but I saw how quickly he'd reach for the hard stuff when he was upset or stressed. A person can't change for you; they have to change for themselves. He tried, but he always believed himself nothing more than a "Luskan drunk", even though I saw and still see far greater things in him, and nothing could change that but him. Duty drove us apart, but he will always have a friend in me. The drink though...goddess would that I could I'd love to see it all rendered to water.

She drank. Almost every coin she earned on her back or that I brought home from cleaning up the vomit of those who indulged too much at whatever tavern I could beg for work went to purchase that foul poison.So much drink that at times she did not know who I was. Sometimes, she'd say a name,"Roderick", or she'd look at me and weep, warning me of "The Curse of the Moon", the visions she had that no drink no drug could drown out. My mother was a Seer, an oracle, but she broke under the weight and stress of being able to see things both past and future. I tried to fight my own visions, tried to prevent them and begged the Moonmaiden to not send me them. Such a thing, however, was never up for my decision. To serve Her means to serve all aspects, and by trying to deny that one part, I was not fulfilling my duty to her.

In full truth...I am still afraid of them. I still see Polvich's face, with those flames that created the cauldron and the Twins lighting the room and casting shadows and flames over his skull face. Lich. And with him, the witch, the hag that created the Twins upon his command.
The two of them, radiating so much evil and malice that even now I still cannot close my eyes to sleep without seeing the two of them. I...I fear I will never get that image out of my mind. To see another akin to that could very well break me for good.

This trip to Selune's Bracelet has acerbated the night terrors even more, and I fear it's made my temper far more shorter than normal. its not their fault. They don't understand. They can't understand. I know Selune showed me I am to take that cauldron there, even gracing my face with a tear that dripped onto my bracelet, and this in front of Nixidea and Cosimo. They saw it too. They don't know, however, something else. I won't be returning from that specific trip unchanged. I already feel the changes beginning, but I dare not speak to any on it. It is much like a cocoon found upon a branch, and yet you do not know if what is inside will open to reveal the magnificent colors of a butterfly, or if it might be opened to reveal it naught but a dried husk after all.

Moonsong products is coming along faster than I thought it would. I'm so excited. Me,
creating a company and one that is going to help fund a charity as well as help those in the company. I can't even thank Luke enough for helping me with this. We might squabble and not see eye to eye on things at times but I will always see him as a big brother and I will always defend him. Now, if my studying of the stars can only come about as easily.

Alexander, my beloved Stone, was so very right; I should never be tamed, nor should I ever try to change myself again for anyone. He loves me still, this I know for he says it without any hesitation but...he is a paladin and duty will always come first. I knew this from the start and I foresaw his destiny approaching at a speed that would not allow us for much time together. The time we had, however, shall always remain so very cherished to me. There are so many things I could say about him, for he is so many things to me, still and in the future. But for those of us who serve a deity, duty comes first. Duty is everything. Duty is life.

That man...so many things I wish to say about him but I think for now this shall suffice:

“He was both everything I could ever want…
And nothing I could ever have…”

For now, I must venture back out into those tumultuous lands, for I am in search of something for my new sister Athea, a rare item but one I know she will be most touched to receive. May the goddess bless me in this quest.[/parchment]


Tonight's Prayer:

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[taintedseraphim]

[parchment]1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don't Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Tenants I must adhere to. Must add them to list of reflections. Not right now. They call to me and I must dance, for even within the darkness that tries to surround us all, there must be a light of hope to shine through. If they come again while I am out there...[/parchment]

Today:

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[parchment]Goddess Prayer Beads Prayer (Conducted for meditation and acts of contrition)

On the silver Moon Bead say:

Blessed Mother, come to me,
and cast your lovely, silver light.
Uncloud your face that I may see
unveiled, its shining in the night.


On the space say:

I bind unto my self today the
Fertility of the Maiden.

Meditate of the Presence of the Maiden
On each Maiden Bead say:

Maiden daughter, sister, lover,
White-light, Night-light, love's embrace;
Seeking love, we find each other
By the radiance of your face.

On the space say:

I bind unto myself today the
Power of the Mother.

Meditate on the Presence of the Mother
On each Mother Bead say:

Mother of all, radiant, beaming,
Full and heavy womb with expectation bright;
Be present here, full moonlight gleaming,
And bless your child with truth and light.

On the space say:

I bind unto myself today the
Wisdom of the Crone.

Meditate on the Presence of the Crone
On each Crone Bead say:

Crone now stands in moonlight gleaming,
Starlit night and silver hair;
Peace and wisdom from you streaming,
Goddess, keeper of our care.

On the space say:

I bind unto myself today the
Fertility, Power, and Wisdom of the Goddess.

On the silver Moon Bead conclude:

Blessed Mother, stay by me,
and cast your lovely, silver light.
Uncloud your face that I may see
unveiled, its shining in the night.[/parchment]

Reflections to memorize:

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[taintedseraphim]

Awakening....

You said you wish to know. Yet this one give you a last warning.
I have to know. It has been in my thoughts always, every moment of every day. I gave a nod, and Linetheil began...

This one has seen her standing by you, at times. . . . She did come to visit this one, once she realized. Realized that... someone could see her. At times those whom we love hide themselves from our gaze, even if we try and seek for them.
Breath, gone. This woman in front of me really saw her. She was a seer too, though of spirits and not visions like I am. A kindred spirit but...was it my mother or was it a trick? I spoke not a word, waiting to hear more.

She says she tried to come home that night. She tripped. On her way home. All those years of leaning into... drink for comfort. It had left her balance with a shaken touch.
The drink yes, but also....also the visions had been sapping her sanity, hence the drink. The drink to stop the pain.

She is laying by the street. This one sees arms picking her up. . . . And now, there is a ship. It is large, and black, and has sails veiled in darkness and mist.
...no. Goddess, my Lady who abhors slavery of all forms, I beg you...not that.

She is there, your mother. But... she is not alone. There are others, too. Men, women. They do not look in... quite well a shape.
At this...I...she's not telling me everything. What she sees is so unsettling to her that she's trying to shield me. Oh, Mother, watching us all...

There are men there. Clad in armour, with blades. They... keep up the order... amongst those who have been taken. There are shackles in their wrists and feet, and they are forced to huddle together. There is a man beside your mother. He is not moving anymore. Your mother... she is crying.
Slavers....blackguards who make coin off the suffering of others. May their eternal souls answer for this.

She was angry for she felt she had betrayed you. By not keeping her promise.This one sees her hair grow. Her body... she is not well
Who has them?! I swear by all I hold sacred I will make them answer for such suffering and misery...

There are men there. Some of them wear black leathers, with lighting bolts embroided in the back.
Wait...lightning?

But... if it please you Such wasn't the end of it. Your mother survived. This one sees a temple. A large one, it is. Made of huge rocks of white. It is night, and there is storm, and rain and thunder. In that night, this one is shown two forms. One of them is hunched over, barely able to walk. The other one, the larger one. It looks as though...he is carrying her.Or attempting to. She - your mother - is not wearing shoes. So whatever there is on the road - sharp stones, broken pieces of bottles - they make it harder for her to stumble forth.
He?

"There is no time," this one hears. Over and over, he keeps on repeating it, this man. He too wears the emblem of lightning bolts.
Talosian? What..I don't...

He takes her to the temple. And.And this one sees another man, age already pushing his shoulders down. He wears a white robe, and there are red strings wrapped around his wrists.
Goddess be praised, Ilmater servant. A temple of Ilmater. Mercy and the relief of her suffering. I can breathe again...

Your mother, she rests upon a bed in a large room housing multiple people. And there is a woman, with similar markings in his robes and the strings about her wrist. And together they hold your mother down, as one of them tries to stop her form reaching for a bottle by the bedside table.
Even there? I fear the drink so much. Fear when people get sloppy and falling over themselves due to it. I see her like that, always see her like that....

It was in this temple that your mother made her last rest. This one... experienced the delirium that overtook her, felt the lightness upon her being. And the last she remembers, is that man... the man that took her to the temple, standing by. . and the words he spoke. "By my hand, your pain shall go away. Sleep now, my love."After that... there is naught.
...he killed her?! In a temple of Ilmater he took her life? A...a mercy killing?! This is not to be born! Who was this man?!

Does the name "Roderick" mean anything to you?
Ice. Like a splash of ice cold water right now within my veins. I know that name. She would utter it during the worst of her drunken states, then weep for hours until she passed out. But....always her love shone through. Did he...did he...

Your mother showed me something, when she came to this one. A... flash of life, one could say. This one sees your mother, in a small room. She is accompanied by a man. He places money on a table.
A..customer. Yes, she was a prostitute, earning her living upon her back. I...it is why I do not judge those who engage in such. Sometimes it is the only preventing starvation. But...Roderick was a customer?

This one... thinks it is the same man that escorted her to the Temple... yet here he looks.. younger. Quite a lot so. And your mother. You do hold a likeness.
Only physically, perhaps. I won't let the visions destroy my mind. I can't allow myself to escape into a bottle. I can't break. I can't be weak....I'd end up like her...

And she showed me another night, and another after that ... But what changes was the money. It was no longer placed on the table.And the room changes, too. Now it is a small house - this one thinks it is your mothers home. And the man is there, and your mother and him are laughing.
Our..he paid for it? I always wondered... They became lovers..really loved each other? But...

They smile... laugh... even dance about the kitchen. Yet, it doesn't last.Your mother... struggled. And so did he. This one sees a red mark upon his cheek. Your mother stumbles. A glass breaks. There are voices... they are screaming at each other. He wears the leathers of lightning bolt - and leaves.
Talos..Selune...he wouldn't understand what it is like to be a seer, to have the Gift, though in truth it can be more akin to a curse. Hence the drink; to dull them. Block them some. I tried...I tried it too, for I fear them in some ways.

This one sees your mother alone. Her hand rests upon her belly.
He...Roderick, servant of Talos...and my mother, an oracle of Selune? I..am a daughter of both moon and storm. Tranquility and tempest in one. I...what was his surname? What is -my-name?

Your mother once whispered a hope. To one day become "Lady Sacristán".A silly hope, she called it. But hope nontheless.
..Sacristan. Rania Sancristan. I...I...had a name. But...did he not want me? Was that why...?

Or he did not know you were there. It is not safe to assume the worst, always.
If he did not know, then if he lives...but....Talos....I can't...he serves...he -killed-her, mercy or not. Was he watching her all this time?

This one is not certain. But what she does think is that he did not expect to see her there. Perhaps he was a member of that crew, or perhaps he happened by it during a break in a Harbor. It is only this one's assessment - but she thinks there was something very... off, in the way your mother tripped. Perhaps it was the.. drink, yes. But those arms, they came for her very quickly. It is possible that someone saw her, and purposefully... placed something into her drink to force her further into stupor and unconsciousness - then again, this is only this one's view, and should not be trusted as it is.
She...was targeted. Chosen and drugged. By the gods...if I ever find out who did such to her, what I will do to them will make a Hunter's vengeance seem like a child's picnic. He...he was onboard and found her?

One way or another, he did. And took her to safety. This one does not see such. Her grave. But, there is an odd feeling, that perhaps your arrival to this City wasn't an accident. But, were the information ever revealed to her, she shall let you know.
A daughter born of both moon and storm.

Indeed so. A gift one might choose to carry with honour.Do not fear the power that's been given to you. Even if it originates in a god that wants naught but destruction, through your father's blood it was purified for your to use for the better.
Thank you, Linetheil. I...so much has been made easier to understand. Not just the ability to do that but...my very heart. Two natures at war within.

This one but told you what you needed to hear.The moon and the storm?
Aye. One of peace and tranquility, the other one of a ceaseless tempest that wishes to move at all times, quick to anger and quick to strike at those who would harm others.I must find a way to balance it though. That's been the problem from the start.

Mmm. A tempest, quick to anger and to strike down those who would harm others, yet yearns for peace where she wouldn't have to do such.
And for that...no answer.

She is dead, killed by my father in an act of mercy. Daughter of moon and storm, two completely contrasting natures within. Rania Sacristán, daughter of Roderick and Marguerite. Storm and Moon combined. I know who I am now.

((Specal thanks to Jen Joy for the sublime RP and for making such an astonishingly in-depth story on Rania's parents. <3

[taintedseraphim]

Today's Thoughts:

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Tonight:

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Gather and prepare, for the trip and for those who fight where the cult has been spotted.Ensure townspeople have access for their own protection.

Tonight:

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[taintedseraphim]

[parchment]So busy now. So much to prepare and complete. Sometimes only the crunching of the snow underneath my boots seems to calm me. My night walks with Htag ground me. This is my chance now, my time to show who and what I am. I cannot fail...[/parchment]


Tonight (Gather the elements):

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Tonight (Continue, but be sure to have a handkerchief in case the bleeding starts again):

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[taintedseraphim]

Today's Card:

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Ten of Pentacles
Meaning:
This card is a symbol of culmination and fulfillment of much hard work and sacrifice. Regardless of the bumps and twists along the journey of your life, the ten of pentacles shows that you've overcome each hardship and are soon to enjoy the fruits of all those struggles. Even more, those rewards will be shared with others, making them even sweeter. It is a card of commitment to a sustainable future, taking into consideration not just the short-term benefits of a particular venture but also the long-term benefits. It is about investing in the long-term and knowing that you need a consistent approach in order to achieve success that will last the test of time.

[parchment]So much has been happening, I've scarcely had time to put quill to parchment.

Polivch was thought to have been destroyed but whispers have it he's been seen again.Please, Selune, no. I've just started to be able to dream without his face appearing before my mind's eyes. The lands deserve to be free without his foul taint upon them. May your light shine down and reveal this just a mistake, gossip that is false.

The Mother has answered my prayers and sent several more Selunites into the area,as well as the return of Brother Taron (How I've missed him. His insight, his dry sense of humor, and yes, even his "Lady, I do not think it wise for you to run ahead and get yourself harmed so that I must go after you and heal you" comments).

Huni is a true ray of light; always seeing the good in others, always energetic and ready to share ideas. She is also so outgoing and desirous of helping others, and one who doesn't let her own pain jade her outlook on life.

Tess is Silverstar, a specialized class of the faith, one who trains more in the martial arts. I fear that her choice to engage in an affair with the married Michael Dunn will come back to haunt her one day, but it was her choice to make. By rights I should have kicked her from the Halls for that but...I have reasons to not do so. Within her is a steadfast determination to fight the darkness that is plaguing the lands, and that is so vitally needed now. Not only that, but the ones that former Moonlady Shandril and I had to face...they are back. Those of us who protect the light in the name of the Night White Lady must stand together now, for our sister sacrificed much previously in battle with those two and we must never allow that sacrifice to be for naught, nor let their malevolence spread.

I have begun divining again, after giving myself a much needed rest from it. Being an oracle,you do not have control over what visions you are given nor when you see them. Dreams,premonitions, or even the pattern of the tea leaves in your cup all might have meaning that you alone see and others will snicker about or face you with complete disdain. I faced such over my visions of Polivch and the cauldron, as well as those I had of Adelaide and her return, though all of them proved to be true. I will admit I am a bit nervous after the last vision left me so weak and with my nose bleeding and those hours missing, but I know it is my calling and I cannot keep hiding from it.

Cosimo has left the coast for good. My first love and my first heartbreak. The last words we spoke to each other healed all the scars of the past, and made it clear that through the trials and tribulations we shared together, especially the transformations and events we endured due to the False Child, we will always share a bond of kinship. While anything romantic has long since died for the both of us, no other can understand what occurred after being exposed to that ancient magic but the two of us, as well as those dark days that followed when we both had lost our magic and he had lost sweet Malane.

I did agree to a request of his; I've finally begun to embrace the changes that began over the summer, no longer fighting that which I feel myself becoming. Velek has observed my casting,and after hearing the words that I spoke without even knowing where they, has come to believe that the False Child explosion awakened a long dormant strain of my lineage, and that lineage being that of the storm giant. It is why I channel lightning so naturally and easily, and explains so much more. When Velek returns, we will delve into more in this area.

For now, I will be attempting to engage in this thing Adallan seems determined to teach me,this "Taking life one day at a time and enjoying the moment". Hrm. Far more difficult that it sounded originally. I keep finding myself wishing to plan things ahead and from several different potential outcomes. Seems the Red Knights I've spoken with previously have rubbed off on me. Relaxation...still a thing I must master one day.[/parchment]

Tonight:

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[taintedseraphim]

[parchment]The Spine of the World. Kald spoke of it once during a game of Tonk. I'd met a barbarian from there long ago as well. Both agreed it was a land of equaled beauty and danger,where strength is vital for survival and at night, the sky displays the most kaleidoscopic,enchanting display of colored lights seen no where else.

Of late, while I rest and recover from the assault, I find my mind wandering and picturing myself, bundled up in white tiger fur, watching those lights upon some remote part of those jagged, unforgiving peaks.If I close my eyes, I can imagine the sting of the wind's caress against my cheeks, even feel its bitter cold seeping into my body and filling my joints with an excruciating ache, though admittedly this latter is easy to do of late. Wren knows what happened that night,when the drow slit our throats, laughing and mocking as our life's blood began to color the stones of the bridge. She knows what I did after coming to in the Ilmater temple and choking out both blood and river water from where those black hearted filth had thrown us.

Rokh doesn't know what it cost me to perform his resurrection, both his and Wren's...what I will never get back. I told Wren though, for she would have noticed the changes. I gave up some of my own essence to try and bring them back. I feel continually colder now, and the headaches come much more frequently. I am still so very weak, and I know that I will never be as strong as I once was. I gladly surrendered some of that in the attempt to call the two back from the Veil. Selune has a plan for all of us, and I know She will lead me along mine soon enough.

The scar encircling my throat will always be there as well, though I will not bear it with shame. For me, it is a sign that I am a survivor, a fighter through and through, and perhaps one day, when I do find myself up on that ledge watching those northern lights, the wind will see this and pass me by.[/parchment]

[taintedseraphim]

"To give someone a shell plucked from the sea is to offer them the ocean of love within your heart. "

He came back from what I feared was a watery tomb, carrying a shell. After I forced myself to release him from the embrace we shared from the moment he entered the Halls, I could tell he had something on his mind. It wasn't until we stepped outside though, under the moonlight, when he handed me a carefully wrapped package that I learned what.

Within that package I found the shell, flawless in design and iridescent on its inner folds, and my heart paused. Did he know what it meant, or what it just a sweet, thoughtful gift from a place I'd likely never venture? It wasn't until I got a closer look at the inside of that shimmering interior that I realized he not only knew the meaning, but had another to add on.

The words he carved into the shell with painstaking love and care are now forever etched into my heart. They comprised a poem, and were words I so desperately needed to know he felt, words that told me fully how his eyes saw me, and of how I made him feel.

Tonight, out in our special place under that blanket of stars, I began my lessons in meditation, and then the man who never plans for tomorrow so that he might always live in the moment, spoke of a hope he holds for the two of us for a time approaching, one of days to come and one I had not dared hope for. Beneath those stars, in the place where we first spoke our hearts freely to the other, I realized that for the first time ever, I felt no sense of urgency, no desire to rush into the unknown from fear of losing out, for I know that, much like the waters of the ocean I hear within the curved body of the shell, his love for me is as unending and fathomless as mine is for him.

[taintedseraphim]

So much of late has occurred I am not even sure where to begin....

Alexander came back briefly, startling me while I was doing my prayers out in Greenlands in the field of butterflies. We'd long ago sat and talked there for the first time, so it was fitting that was where we said what was likely our final farewell. He told me he still loved me, and that I had been the only one who had ever truly seen him. He thanked me too for showing him that you could love and still fulfill duty and so many other things. I watched him as he walked away, heading for his destiny, for he was not truly among the living any more in his heart and only longed to return to the death he'd been so rudely snatched from back that day in the Chapterhouse.

One gone, one returned.

Cosimo has returned, it seems, and resumed his place at the Darius Company. He thinks he fools everyone with his flirting and his light hearted jokes but I know better. I see how he leaves his whiskey glass still filled. I see how, as ever, he's watching everyone even as he tries to make his actions appear incidental and without meaning. I tried to joke with him, and while he laughed and seemed to take delight in it, I must confess to it feeling...off to me to do so. Maturing, I suppose. That, and perhaps I fear him now in a way. I no longer know him, really. When I look at him, I see the ghost of my first love there, the man who was my first in many ways looking back at me, but there is none of that former sense of camaraderie. That week I took care of him, day and night after the False Child explosion...I thought...and then those words he spoke while in the ice cave up in the mountains...yeah. Lightning and fire, forever etched, as we said.

The dreams still come but nothing more so far. Unrest amongst the lands and people as usual find ways to bicker and squabble over nothing. Dwarves still complain about losing their ale. Paladins still stand around all stoic and shiny. Bards still fall in and out of love as fast as Bentley can clear a table. I guess it sells their songs to show love so often. I've often wondered though; whatever happened to the puppeteers? To the jesters and the storytellers? Those are sadly needed of late.

Adallan is busy with things in Candlekeep since Alexandra departed. I do not envy him one bit; I am still wading through things at the Halls and wondering sometimes if perhaps returning to my roots of having just a tent set up for healing and being out there in the wilds is far better. The city...its so uneasy being here now, knowing that something is in its underbelly, waiting to harm us all. Instead of coming together, of course people are at each other's throats, suspicious and wary.

These are the times we should stop and tell those in our lives we love them, and pause to enjoy the little special moments of each day. We should do a little act to show we care to each other. I'm already starting those for many now.

[taintedseraphim]

I am married now. Wife of Adallan Ragnon. My best friend is now my husband. Funny how life works.

We'd planned on marrying a weekish ago, but both of us have been so busy that we couldn't get things done. The guest list kept growing, the menu was forgotten until last minute, I had to find a dress, vows to be written...gah. Just so much in a short time and trying to get everyone special to us in one place all at the same time was far too much.

With my own doubts creeping in (I will -not- call it cold feet. I heard enough about my toes tonight from that naughty Rokh and Wren...dear gods, those two going on about Adallan sucking on my toes while we were up there in the middle of our ceremony?! I will get them both back for that. Oh the pranks are going to start.)...I just couldn't. The date was cancelled and I at one point was ready to just leave. Tired of all the bickering going around the land, tired of being tired. Then...Waterdeep tonight.

Derik asked us to aid him and his father against some forces that had been attacking. Not going to get into too much detail on this, for it's not my tale to tell. Lannia, after I had scried and found the location of her brother Donnel, had decided to take a group and went after him, and Derik decided to take Ronja, Gunthar, Adallan, and myself with him. We arrived in Waterdeep without incident, but we weren't quite ready for what we found.

The battles were intense, and I'm ashamed to say I fell more than once. Derik's father was badly wounded at one point, and so while the others went ahead I tended his wounds and helped him hide under a porch then shielded him from the view of any passerby with shrubbery and debris I could salvage. Once I caught up, I found the others preparing to fight two high powered wizards and one most deadly skilled warrior.

At first our weapons did nothing to the warrior, bouncing off easily. Derik was up front, Adallan and Ronja slipping by him and attacking the mages. I was directly behind Derik, using a ring I'd found earlier in the day to keep him healed and on his feet. Then...it happened.

The warrior whirled around and caught Adallan, almost killing him instantly with a single strike. I was too far away to reach him, too far back to help him. I remember screaming and then things seemed to freeze a moment. I heard the words of one spoken not so long ago to me...

"" You marrying Adallon is good, if you love him you should marry him and build something with him. Fate carries all things as it sees fit. And this is how the dice of landed this turn."

I saw how he'd smiled at me that first day we met, up on the roof while he interviewed me to join Candlekeep, and how he kept asking the most odd questions, as if he didn't want the conversation to end (and politely ignoring all my fidgeting and trying to look so professional and learned with that journal I carried..which had all of three pages filled out).

I remembered how we laid in the field of butterflies and watched Selune as he held my hand and told me he loved me for the first time.

And when I looked into his eyes, though I could see just how great of pain he was in, I could also see, above all, his love for me shining clear, his worry about -me- of all things even as he was dying and I knew...I knew right then that this man was everything he claimed to be and everything I had always dreamed of.

When the battle was over, I ran to him, for he'd managed to drink a healing potion and helped finish the fight in our favor. He immediately smiled and kissed me, and I wanted to sob in his arms with relief that I had been given a little longer with him. My fear was gone, all of my doubts were gone. He knew what he wanted, hells he's always told me that from the moment he met me I intrigued him and he felt drawn to me, as I did him, and what he wanted was me in his life for the rest of it.

We stayed the night in Waterdeep, resting and mending before returning to Ulgoth's Beard. We'd decided on the way back we'd not take time for granted anymore so the moment our feet touched those sandy shores I did a sending to Wren and he to Derik and Nex and we had our wedding there under Selune's light, with a light rain coming down on us (rain....fertility, unity, and cleansing). I was barefoot in a silk gown and he so handsome in his best suit.

Nex did a most wonderful job on such short notice, and while we'll have a reception later with everyone to celebrate, for now, we're going to savor a little more time together before it's back to work. It's raining outside again as I write this, and he's over there in bed, sleeping with a look of peace and contentment that I pray will never fade from him.

Life is too precious and too short to waste and so my husband and I decided to seize the moment and not let go. Now, we are truly one.

[taintedseraphim]

Full circle

A year ago, I arrived upon these lands, and not long after joined the ranks of Candlekeep. My purpose, I was told, was to eventually lead the clinic should I prove worthy, and to be able to study and do research in the vast field of healing, along with various duties assigned to me. This I most gladly looked forward to.

Sadly, events occurred that required me to depart the Keep for a time. While I loved my time as Moonlady, my heart was never truly in it. I've never felt comfortable in crowds, and always so very awkward around people. I'm far more at home lancing a boil, performing surgery, or writing up a report on the medicinal properties of one plant or another.

Since Alcarin's departure, I'd been quietly trying to find suitable people to fill the vacancies in the Halls' council. Juno I had wanted, but for the longest time she wasn't ready to become a full member. Dove...strange thing about Dove. When I first met her, it was at the shrine of her goddess and there she was, standing with her broken and mangled bones offering the rest of us her goddess' blessing. Such strength and resilience caught my eye, and over the numerous weeks that composed the healing sessions we did together to mend the scars and damage inflicted on her by the horrors of her past, I saw that quiet inner dignity and her never ending compassion for others. I knew without doubt she'd be perfect. First though, Eldath had to become one of the goddesses honored within the Halls and so I proposed this to the other members. It was accepted and so once approved, Dove came in. Now, goddess be praised, both are full members and council for their faiths and will be running things far better than I could, for their hearts are filled with the desire to do so.

As for me, I will still be a member of the Halls, still work in the clinic and help with the things needing done but on a far lesser scale. I'll help both of the others adapt to their new roles but otherwise, I'll be focusing on my work over in the Keep. Since the senior avowed voted to allow me to rejoin, I've already become reacquainted with Nurse Abigail, and once more I'm stocking up on ink and quills for the reports and books i'll be required to write.

It's strange though. Coming out of the Keep earlier tonight, I was alone and for a brief moment, I felt like I'd been hurled back in time, back to first arriving here. Part of me was half expecting to get one of Cosimo's always amusing drunken sendings, telling me he loves me and to meet him at this place or that (and sometimes things I still don't know how to translate), or to see my old druid friend Cory coming by with his bear Squirrel. I even reached up to push back my glasses, though I've not worn them in many moons since my Lady aided my vision. I realized then that I'd come back to where I started, back to my roots and to where my heart and true calling have always been; back to just being a healer of Selune.

[taintedseraphim]

I met him on the bridge on the Lion's. He warned me that to anger him would not end well for me, yet I still wished to talk.

I listened to his stunned disbelief that I'd been on the bridge, that I wished to speak still and for peace, to find out the "why". Why did someone who was once such a bastion of light suddenly now the embodiment of darkness? What had happened?

The "why" it seemed, was due to him growing weary of fighting evil, only to see them back within a day or two, or having people step in the way and play devil's advocate. I understood exactly how he felt there, for I've experienced it myself. It caused me to mention the first time I'd ever met him, and realize that once more, there I was, full circle.

I'd been standing at the FAI, asking someone how to get to Soubar, for I was still very new and could not recall the route. A fellow, all dressed in red and bald, came over and offered me, back then still an acolyte of Candlekeep, a teleport to the place. He stepped over and I stepped back instinctively and just then I heard a voice saying to not go, for it would be likely I'd never be seen again. Looking over, I saw a tall, dark haired man with light armor and one wing thing sticking off the back watching us. It was Bran, stepping up to tell me the fellow was the head of the Thayan enclave, and who would likely torture me and worse if I went with him, for Candlekeep, thanks to the former Guide's love affair with the Thayan Serb, had just granted that fellow tenday and the enclave was most eager to get him back. There was even talk of abducting acolytes, to use as bartering chips. I know; I had the hin Frigo try to abduct me off the roof of the FAI, and it was Bran who stepped forward later and claimed his life for good.

Hearing this was my first memory of him caught Bran off guard, and opened up communication. We talked of the past, with him swearing that the old Bran was dead, and he was no more than a walking corpse who would leave a bloodbath of those who did evil behind. I watched as he cut his palm then cast one of his incantations....breaking my heart to see him using blood magic in action. He gave me warnings, let me know again how irritating I was because I wouldn't give up hope, but yet...for a brief moment, when we spoke of Msciwoj, I saw my friend in there. It was there but for a flash and then gone again. Gone even more as he vented the pain and hatred that was festering within his heart, for love lost and for slights that were both intended and unintentional.

As we parted ways, he informed me in these final words, "You are as insufferable as always, Rania, but you have a good heart at least. And that is better than most here."

I will do as I told him and pray for him, and for Msciwoj, and for Linela and for all those hurting right now. Bran's light is gone, and he has stated out right he does not wish to be saved and you cannot save one who does not wish it. All healers know this. All we can do in times like this is turn to our faith and pray that perhaps in death they will find the peace they were unable to obtain in life. For Msciwoj, it's still not too late. I pray he'll see this.

[taintedseraphim]

He raised the Bhaalist. The murdering bastard that butchered so many, myself included. Tamzim had taken him to the Helmite temple and there after hiding the man's religious symbols had him raised, just hours after Thedran had killed him following the huge battles with the trolls.

The Bhaalist knew him by name too, I'm told. It wasn't their first meeting. Everyone is focused on how Tamzim worked for the drow and yes, while that in itself is bad enough....he raised a murderer back to life, and only hours later that monster killed two others, carving a message into one's body.

As I stood there at the bottom of that hill in the darkness, listening to what was being said, the visions of every single body I myself had to raise of the Bhaalist's victims...all of the wounds...each bit of flesh he'd carved appeared before my eyes. I'd hoped that for a single instant Tamzim would show some sort of anger or remorse, anything at all, at being accused of such, but instead he wanted to know who had told me, then said ""Only other person..." and paused, having admitted that the raising of the Bhaalist had been part of some plan between him and two others.

And then I knew.

I knew to let him walk away would mean that he'd only continue to destroy more lives, that he'd never turn from Bregan nor the vile things he'd been doing since arriving on the Coast. I knew then too that all his words of seeking to be free of the drow, of hoping for a new life were but lies, and so with that, I pulled out a Bigby scroll and cast it. It struck true, and then after racing up to the top of the hill I unleashed three Storms of Vengeance out on him, before calling for a celestial summons from a Gate spell, then let loose with some of my most powerful lightning on him. It...it felt freeing. It felt right, that the thunder was rumbling and the skies were lit up and that perhaps even Hoar himself saw retribution being distributed.

I took no pleasure, no joy, for I had always held hope he would one day be free and make something of himself outside of the drow and the horrible things he was doing. That night I saw it was not to be. After disarming him and binding him with my stockings (I now have manacles), he was handed over to the Fists. No reward was accepted and I had to fight to keep back a tempest of both anger and sorrow that was combating within me. I did not do what I did for fame, nor glory, nor reward. Just simply to stop someone who had knowingly raised an unrepentant, unrelenting murderer.

The death threats have already started, as have the warnings of dire things to come as payback for this. So many believe it's simply due to the drow, and already one paid the highest price for Tamzim being stopped. Does this make me scared? No. It makes me angry.It shows what I did was the right thing. It drives me even more. Look there upon the horizon. The storm clouds are forming. Let the thunder roll.

[taintedseraphim]

Like the cycles of the moon, Selûne has many and changing moods and natures. Her faithful, coming from many walks of life, views her in countless different ways, and she reflects this. Sometimes she is enthusiastic, vivacious, joyous, and majestic, given to action and dancing. At other times, she is subdued, motherly, and almost poetic or tranquil and embracing. Then she is remote and weighed down by sadness at defeats and tragedies, even those that happened long, long ago. Finally, she can be aggressive and fierce but cold, and with little mercy for her enemies. These shifting personalities have made her versatile.

Nevertheless, at all times, Selûne is caring and accepting of most beings, and forgiving of most of her followers' faults. She is both ageless and ancient. She is quietly mystical and, as a being of chaos, well used to change. She has a serene and peaceful nature and is slow to anger; she will not fight if she can help it, but nor does she hold back if she must. She is fiercely protective when confronted by evil.

Maiden, Mother, and Crone. The three faces my goddess wears. I have tried to maintain the face of enthusiasm and jolliness, quickly forgiving transgressions always with the hopes that the one who committed the act wound not do so again.

I have learned from such things now.

She died because she would not kill me. Love for another outweighed her hatred for me. At the end, love won, as it always will. I will never forget this, nor will I let her one selfless act be in vain.

As my beloved Selune protects those she loves fiercely and with little mercy, so shall I. For as the Moonmaiden has her dark phase, so now I enter mine. Its long past due.