Joie de vivre - Stanza's Journal

[BeyondCadia]

Written in the careful and considered hand of a Halfling, this journal had been lovingly kept and conserved within a blue-leatherbound book. Occasionally notes in the margins warred with little doodles and sketches of people and places, betraying the slightly less than structured nature of the thoughts within. Every single word was in Cormyrian, save for the direct quotes or notes on turns of phrase the Hin found particularly amusing.


My name is Stanza.

Well, actually it is not.

My name is Constance Emmanuelle de Riviere, daughter of Enzo de Riviere and Aceline de Riviere. I am a proud Cormyrian and - what else?

When I was very young, my father told me that I was as pretty as poetry... But that I would never be bigger than a single stanza. From there the name stuck, and ever was I his little stanza, his single verse of beauty. Enzo's first daughter, his pride and joy.

My father told me that he wanted a son. Then he told me that all the sons in the world would not be bounty enough to buy me from his arms. A daughter would more than do... Then another, and another, and another. Four girls so far, more to come if my reckoning is right, and Enzo Riviere loved each as though he had ordered them from the gods directly.

I will never know a finer man. I love my father as only a devoted daughter could.

I miss him terribly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Where to begin?

At the beginning, I suppose.

I came from Cormyr to find... Something. A better life? Candlekeep? Was I seeking knowledge, or was I seeking life? I found both, and neither. I found difficulty and strife alongside love and friendship. In short, everything I was expecting.

Some days I wish I had never left Cormyr.

Lately I have not been myself. I have been consumed with fear and pain, which has bred paranoia in the shadows of my clouded mind. I cannot explain this to what few friends I have - and they are very few indeed!

Rellon, Reiker, Sirion.

These are men I feel comfortable around. I like to spend time with them, maybe eating strange foods like Sirion's elven rations, or finding good wine with Reiker, or hearing about how Rellon does not sail. Seriously, he does not sail!

I had my troubles with Rellon, but in solving them I realised that Rellon and I have more in common than I imagined. Of course there is a gulf in social class and wealth, in education and upbringing... In culture and even in race. But there is also a bond there, something difficult to quantify but easily unspoken. I enjoy my time with him, it feels natural and unforced. Rellon speaks his mind, regardless of whether or not I want to hear his opinion, and I find that a lot of the time I agree with the man. Of course he can be an idiot... But so can I. I am lucky to have a friend like Rellon.

Gods, I can be such an idiot at times.

Reiker is a Tiefling and does nothing to hide it. He is also a follower of Sharess... He does nothing to hide that either. The day we met, Reiker told me that he "works out" with ladies - then he explained what that meant. Yes, I blushed. I even considered making a polite excuse and making myself scarce! I am so very glad that I did not. Reiker is charming and hilarious company - he cheers me up when I am blue, which is far too much these days. Reiker is the kind of cheeky friend everyone needs, and I am grateful to have him too.

Sirion.

What can I say about Sirion? Sirion has a fantastic sense of humour - I know because I made him laugh once. It lasted for about three seconds, but I definitely saw it. I think I saw it? Did I see it? Even so, he does smile! I feel safe and calm around him. Sirion is definitely someone I want to spend time around when I need comfort, and his elven rations are to die for. He said they were just for travelling, but they really hit the spot for me. Then again, I have always been a sucker for cold pastries and savoury snacks. That is the way to Stanza's heart.

I am getting off track.

Sirion, right.

Before coming to Baldur's Gate, I had never met an elf on equal terms. Of course there were instructors at the academy, but that was all being paid for. Those elves were distant and cold, not like the ones I know now. Oth and Sirion. Sirion is patient, wise, kind to me and generous when the situation calls for it. He gives me a lot of what I need to be happy, without even realising it I think. Maybe people underestimate how much others need them, or how much they can provide without even realising it.

And maybe I would know this already if the truth about me was not so... Shameful?

The truth, then.

I am a sheltered little rich girl and I have no idea what I am doing here.

There, I said it wrote it.

But what need do I have for self pity when I have others to do it for me? Some people seem to have that market cornered anyway, it would cost me a king's ransom to buy in!

So what do I actually want? I used to think it was just knowledge, that I would come to Candlekeep, put on those robes and spend all my time buried in books. That sounded like a good life, for a while. All the way to the coast, I filled my little head with daydreams about the smell of old books and the promise of learning. I love to read, I love to write and research. At least, I used to?

These days, I spend all my time wondering who I am. I never expected that my naive, idiotic outlook would simply shatter when it hit real life. Either that or I met all the wrong people and they broke it for me. I am not decided which it is, yet. But who am I? I feel so uncomfortable around so many people, I struggle to know what to do, what to think.

I know how Gem feels. I always knew, but... Damn, I was better at hiding it. I used to be better at hiding how insecure I am. I used to be better at being lonely, in all honesty. Now I realise that having a loving family around me all my life has left me ill-prepared to venture out into the company of strangers. And the worst part? I do not know how to communicate that to those around me.

I do not know how to say how I feel. So how do I deal with it? I act strangely. Sometimes I cannot hide my pain, and that makes others pull away, because who wants to be around a miserable woman. Then sometimes I try to smile and bounce and play, and I feel that makes people pull away anyway. Either they can see that it is hiding sadness, or it reeks of desperation.

I hate myself for both, because both are true.

I am uncomfortable around so many. With a few exceptions, like the ones mentioned above, though they are not the only ones I feel comfortable around.

I feel too embarrassed to even write some things down. Those things can stay in my head.

I want to go back to Cormyr. I want to go back to my family.

But if I do, I know that I will never get over this fear, of being a tiny woman in a huge and frightening world.


Enough for now.


The Hin had signed her entry, almost as an afterthought, then returned the blue-bound book to her ever-present backpack until next time.

[BeyondCadia]

I do not know where it is, but maybe that is for the best.

There is information in that book about people I care about, but recently I do not feel like they care about me. I am not sure I understand why they do not want someone to find it and keep it safe - or even better, to destroy it!

Except... They do. They just do not want me to do it. They do not trust me, like Juno said. I am trying so very hard to fit in with these people, I do not know what else I can do to make that easier.

I'm giving up my search... I just pray it is never found. Please, please let it be gone for good. I do not know what I would do if one of them came to harm even after the man was dead and gone.

Rania has been kind to me. I think she sees how I am feeling inside. Is it pity she feels? Perhaps. But then perhaps a little pity will be helpful in finding my feet. Rania was one of the first people to speak to me, she introduced me to Dove and Oth and a few others.

I was probably wrong about her. I think I have been wrong about a few people since I arrived. Tam, Nathan, Gem, Rellon. But Rania? Probably Rania more than the others. I was not sure what to think for a long time. I suppose I am still not sure. Maybe she can help me to come out of my shell a little.

I asked Cosimo about joining the Darius Company. I just want to be a part of something, like the Foxes, but I suspect I will be rejected. Maybe because I once knew Tamzim. Even after his death, the man still strikes at me. I wish I had never met him... I wish I had never heard that name and let his charm pull me in. And then at night I catch myself missing him, and then I know just how much he got into my head.

Damn you. Damn you!

And damn me too.

I can feel a bleakness in my heart, a black spot growing. I feel tense and sick all the time, constantly on the verge of tears. The urge to run fills my limbs and quickens my pulse.

I am horribly and hopelessly depressed.

I tried to tell someone... I feel that he threw it in my face, now he tells me to keep my distance for a while because I reacted poorly. That was a mistake... But under the circumstances, one I feel I can be forgiven for. He told me that he pities me. Not in a kind way.

I joked once about turning that crossbow on myself.

That joke doesn't make me laugh as much as it used to.

It gets less funny every day.