The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Fri Jul 12, 2019 11:10 pm

Day 2

I am going to dance, like she wants me to, I cannot go where I need to yet but this cave will do, I will leave my journal and things there and dance free, naked.

I will learn this so ... ( The rest of the page is illegible, covered in blood)
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Mon Jul 15, 2019 1:59 am

Went to the market, bought some things for Ssinyrr, bought two journals, because I know that something will happen to this one.
So many things passed, time's wasting, I have been lagging a bit in gold making recently, too many things on my mind. Trying to take these things off it don't work as well as I would want to, I hear one thing but I see the opposite, things change and not always for the best, peraphs maybe too late, seven times already, destined to be blinded and deafened, ignorant and simple.

Together the stars tremble as I fall again into the night sky, so close but also too far, to even see, or listen, just a shadow who watches, doubt stalks from the shadow and question every single word annd action, a foundation of fear, which crushes all that was left into fine dust, lifted and spread by the wind, taken apart piece by piece into a fraction of what truly is and was, deformed, perished and forgotten, at the tomb, surrounded by the dead, into the grave absorbed to go back to the place that started it all, just like the never ending cycle, another one like those.

I know how it went wrong, slowly, a creeping mistake, crawling at the back of my head at all times, taunting me and destroying me, until nothing else and the drow becomes singleminded and fragmented.

It all happened, scarred and deformed, a dead man walking, like always shown a better way that I cannot walk, freedom, this word, it keeps taunting me, there is no freedom for me, I am a prisoner of my own thoughts and the world, I was close, close to be free, something to never speak of, it's hard and it hurts, peraphs I should not dwell on it, yet I do, decomposing still, rotten to the core with no answer.

What do you think will happen later then? The offers are good and it provides the danger I seek, why bother with the silence and the wait, when it can be me, who leads his own life, tired of sitting and drinking, tired of it all, perplexed, I won't let Fate be my cruel master, my coin must land sideways, no matter how many times I have to throw it in the air again, I refuse to play the hand dealt, and I refuse to play at all, when the deck was rigged from the start, no point in playing stupid, it is now or never when things need to change, for the best.

Wasting time again, these journals have been nothing but grief and a waste of time, but a part of me enjoys it, still it is funny that not even to this piece of paper I would dare to say it all, running away, only for a couple of days, I am no longer tied to lies and mind control...or am I?

Got to find out by myself, alone.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Tue Jul 16, 2019 7:38 pm

What am I supposed to do
If I want to talk about peace and understanding
But you only understand the language of the sword
What if I want to make you understand that the path you chose leads to downfall
But you only understand the language of the sword
What if I want to tell you to leave me and my beloved ones in peace
But you only understand the language of the sword
I let the blade do the talking
So my tongue shall become iron
And my words the mighty roar of war
Revealing my divine anger's arrow shall strike
All action for the good of all
I see my reflection in your eyes
But my new age has just begun
The sword is soft
In the fire of the furnace
It hungers to be hit
And wants to have a hundred sisters
In the coldest state of their existence
They may dance the maddest
In the morass of the red rain
Beloved brother enemy
I sing my sword song for you
The lullaby of obliteration
So I can wake up with a smile
And bliss in my heart
And bliss in my heart
And bliss in my heart

Coexistence, Conflict, combat
Devastation, regeneration, transformation
That is the best I can do for you
I see a grey gloom on the horizon
That promises a powerful sun to rise
To melt away all moons
It will make the old fires of purification of purification
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers
Look like dying embers

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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:38 pm

Last cycle we finally went to deliver the help to the surface, the path was hard, I felt very anxious during all the trip, always on the edge thinking that someone was following in on us. When we finally arrived to the Troll Claws, I was on edge..... A very big group, of drow, dark elves, on the surface, on a mission to help those who hate us, those who would destroy us and condemn those who help us and are our friends.

I was surprised that the surfacers kept their agreement, even after all the troubles that making an alliance with us can bring unto them, they did it, though it was probably because of how desperate these times are, I doubt they would have accepted our help in other circumstances.

After the 7th Circle kept their part of the deal, the weapons were loaded into the surfacers wagon, we walked through the Troll Claws fighting undead and devils until we reached the Fields of the Dead...The same place where my brother Quinn died and I went to rescue him.

We continued our travel until we reached the devilery point, we could not watch the weapons delivered but I am hoping that the deal went well.

After that we rested for a bit, I took my reverie and then I went out again, I met one of the jabresses who I been courting and took her in for a hunt... One of the Conclave guards at mistlake offered us a bounty to catch some rivvil who stole gems, we found the rivvil and challenged him to fair duel...He refused of course and led us to Ohgran ruins, where we disposed of him and his followers and recovered the gems...It was sad we had to resort to violence for this, but what is done is done, though I wish we could have solved this without having to kill them...
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Sat Jul 20, 2019 9:14 am

Bless her, I can really see again... So it is true, this means the Lady Silverhair can undo all the damage the spider has done to us, she is truly the savior of all drow... She , I wonder, where was she born? She looks like Eilistraee, beautiful, wise, kind .. but also brave, strong and powerful, she represents everything thay Eilistraee stands for, I am grateful...

I wonder why I ever got angry at her, why did I even wrote her the letter? It's done....I wonder if I fell in love with her because she looks like Eilistraee, maybe I see her in her person too much, maybe because she is truly faithful.

I have to fight this darkness inside me, and be strong, for her and the others.

I know she had a hand on our meeting, it just means that I have to trust her and encommend myself for the good of all drow, working hard together, with all our brothers and sisters, we can achieve great things.

May the Circle never be broken
May the Sword ever be swung
May the Song ever be sung
May the Dance ever be taken
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Sun Jul 21, 2019 11:11 pm

Blue jalils come in every size
Some are wise and some otherwise
They got pretty blue eyes
For an hour a jaluk may change
For an hour her face looks strange
Looks strange, looks strange

Marching to the promised land
Where the honey flows and takes you by the hand
Pulls you down on your knees
While you're down a pool appears
The face in the water looks up
And she shakes her head as if to say
That it's the last time you'll look like today

Sail away, away
Ripples never come back
Gone to the other side
Sail away, sail away

The face that launched a thousand bolts
Is sinking fast, that happens you know
The water gets below
Seems not very long ago
Lovelier she was than any that I know

Angels never know it's time
To close the book and gracefully decline
The song has found a tale
My, what a jealous pool she is
The face in the water looks up
She shakes her head as if to say
That the blue girls have all gone away

Sail away, away
Ripples never come back
They've gone to the other side
Look into the pool
Ripples never come back
Dive to the bottom and go to the top
To see where they have gone
Oh, they've gone to the other side

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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Thu Jul 25, 2019 12:37 am

The toll has been taken
My service fulfilled and paid
No looking back now.

Only place for truth in my heart.
Strength above all.
Duty and faith.

The key, and a shortlived flame.
Burning out, no longer.
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Sat Jul 27, 2019 10:35 am

There's a child, living inside of me, it kicks and cries, sometimes his tears come through my eyes.
Fading fears get replaced by blooming new dread everyday.

There's a killer, inside of me, I feel him moving inside.
Right now he sleeps quietly, but sometimes he rises and he looks through my eyes.

He talks in my voice and stabs my heart.

I went and let him take over, my jealousy , revenge and frustration.

"Take back what they took from you, Erelolin" The voice said...
"Kill kill kill kill kill kill"

Inside of me, yes the killer lives.

"Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed. Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed. Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed. Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed.Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed.Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed.Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed.Corrupt yourself and face to bloodshed."


I killed the angels living inside of me, I no longer feel them smile.
There is one, but weeping.
My prayers not answered, Eilistraee cried too.

Can the lone angel's love heal my heart?

They all watch me as I fall, I don't know if I will be caught this time.

How can I be free? Am I really me?

Sometimes I live inside of me too, for a split second, then I am gone again.
The child screams are too loud and they drown my voice.
The killer whispers are deep in my ear and I can't focus.
I have no face.

I am just a drow, and also a killer and a child.
The angels left.

A refugee of myself, from myself and to myself, there is no forgiveness, like the dust, I accepted death, whoever may take my life, shall free me.
My killer, my saviour, where are you?
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Fri Aug 09, 2019 4:03 am

*Renor Vuzaer writes down the voices he hears in his head, repeating the same words spoken by others, over and over again*


--------------------------------------------------
Some of them are echoes of the past *he writes down*
--------------------------------------------------


"That is what Eilistraee teaches, Vuzaer."

"We have to help the others who hide like us."

"Perhaps one cycle... I'd like to one cycle guide them to the night above."

"Usstan knows the way to the night above. But I do not dare to cross the treshold far."

-------------------

"Vuzaer, are you even listening to yourself? Please, speak with me, and Vieice and the others...We still care for you"

*Vuzaer bleeds, from a wound made by his own hand.*
Please let me go to Lolth....She wants me
*he licks his own blood from his arm*


"I told you we were wasting our time"



--------------------------------------------------
Some are echoes of the present *he writes down*
------------------------------------------------


''We must confront my mate''

''Who is your mate?''

''Why..the demon of course''

''We will kill it, I will strike him down, I promise.''

*she starts lauging* ''it cannot be found in this world''

''Let's go get it then.''

''No no no it has to be killed in its home''

''Then lets go.''

''The others minds function correctly. We can not find a way to the abyss''

''We don't need them, we can go there ourselves, I will pay the thayans, they love gold, they will help.''

''We must..divine where in the abyss it lives...
Do you know much of it? The Abyss
The sixth layer of the Abyss is the home of our glorius spideer queen! ''


I know how to kill them, They are no match for me. We can do this together, yes?''

*she throws her arms outward, Mitheera swings her arms, Vuzaer catches one of her arms before it hits him in the face, he holds her arm and then reaches for her hand gently, then lets go of it*


Praise Lolth! *she cackles*

Praise Lolth. *he says showing insecurity in his words*


''It is a Glaberazu! We all mate with one upon our unholy graduation. Why I even have have a son''


''Mitheera please.''

''Both have to die'' *she spits*


'' One is in the abyss. And the other one?''

*she smiles* ''My draegoloth son could be anywhere in the underdark. I doubt it is dead. it is a near eight foot part demon monstrosity. I regret not killing it the day it came out of me '' *she sneers*



'' I would like to....it is...A living testament to everything I .... *she calms down and looks sad. shes wincing from physical pain*

*she cant say the rest and gaps 'for air for a moment*

'I understand your pain sister...The same way... When I let the killer.Guide my hands and kill her.Speak my words.And slice my mind.''

''Tell them the only way to free her and I is to..go to the abyss'

'I must.... recluse my self..or i will kill again'


'Sister?'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
*He then writes his own thoughts on the next page*
--------------------------------------------------------------



Alone again.... When all begins in good faith
For my sins I will be skinned
And now there's nowhere left to run to, there's nowhere left to hide

Walk into the moon, on an eilistreean mission
Try to tumble in a Spider Web while we burn in our hearts
I know I'll never win I am still learning lessons in the dark

There's no choice here to make, there's no easier decision.
Than to stand up, stand straight and to give it a try


Cannot wait as the stations of our lives are passing by
Face up and face front as brother to sister
For the call if we're true to how we are
After all we've given each other our words
If we live out our lives as though Eilistraee sat at our shoulders
If we give of our best and then give some more still


Press on, don't look behind
Then we'll see each other over the hill


Now if we speak of distances we're only covering old ground and the past:
What's done is done and if I can prove I am worthy at all
We'll hope to see things in the moonlight
Let's close the tome on history and keep it safe and sound


You have done as you were told
While I stray like a lost bat
And the countdown comes in backwards
That much was always clear
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Balthomer
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Re: The Journal of Vuzaer, the Heretic

Unread post by Balthomer » Sat Oct 12, 2019 9:15 am

Death would been too good of a gift for me.

There is little point which makes it even more exciting, an excuse to return, my eyes probably won't stand it like before, I gave away so much and lost another much.

Into the breach once more, this time I have no expectations and no hope, just a mission.
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