Sojourner - reflections of Emeth De'Rosh

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gotesu
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:49 am

Sojourner - reflections of Emeth De'Rosh

Unread post by gotesu » Mon May 13, 2019 10:39 am

How many days have I lost to oblivion, how many insights have I made that no longer resonate my mind
may the letter be the champion of my memory and the written word emissary of my past.


I miss him, I miss his guidance, his wisdom, his pride.
despite the fact he had little understanding of what "childhood" means and how a mortal ought be raised
he did his best to be a father to me, and a mother too - all for the sake of a mysterious oath he had made to parents I have never known.

How I loathed his arrogance then, but now I realize it was just the simple truth.
So often I was doing tiresome errands for the business he was running on behalf of some "Great Caliph" and him seizing the opportunity
to preach me how a mortal like me should behave, his words almost carved in my mind after endless repetition:

"When addressing your betters, and especially with those who are not cursed with the fecklessness and abruptness of existence like yourself, - be courteous, appeasing and bear in mind how easily a mortal life can be snapped away."

Still, deep inside I knew that this was his way of protecting me from whatever perils my helplessness holds.

I owe him much
For it was his passion for experience and understanding of every notch of what existence has to offer - that has kindled mine.
It was his tutorship - that has given me the tiny aperture through which I began touching the deeper fabric of this world.
And above all, I now realize, it was his kindness for which I am alive.

How ironic it is that appreciation so often comes with loss -
now we are worlds apart and I feel alone.
and yet, I think it is just the great wheels of destiny that decreed -
it is time for me
to stand on my own.
Last edited by gotesu on Fri Jun 07, 2019 8:29 am, edited 1 time in total.

gotesu
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Sojourner - reflections of Emeth Ha'Doresh

Unread post by gotesu » Mon May 20, 2019 5:19 am

"What is it that you -truly- want?"

There, being inside a small conference room in the Festhall, his massive figure easily overshadowing mine even when he was seated and I standing.
It was there I had made my request of him, from the master of wishes, - Teach me the secrets of the Art!
and he responded with a question : "What is it that you -truly- want?"
I was buffled, I felt how his gaze rips through the facade of any false impression I was trying to make,
He had forced me to answer and not merely spit an excuse.
It is that question which resonates in my head and heart to this day, hammering its way outside its frame of space and time.

Is it Power?
A childish wish to prove myself to everyone around
or the aspiration for the ability to bend reality to my every whim.
But, do I really want to bend reality to my every whim? will that make the world a better place?
will that make me a better person?
What meaning does power have when you know the hourglass of your end had already begun its motion?
When looking closesly at the mirror you can already see decay?

Maybe Immortality is what I truly wish?
Having infinite amount of the most valuable resource of all.
But maybe that is merely an illusion that by bending the weave I can try and mimic those creatures that are far more than I?
and besides, what if eternity means eternal stagnation? what point is there for a limitless desert of time?
what if mortality is the great enforcer of meaning upon our lives?

Then, maybe Meaning is that which I crave?
Knowing that my short episode on this earth had made its impact, had left the world different and for the best?
Knowing that for time without end every block added to the great tower of existence stands upon a brick I had put there myself?
But, what if life itself is the greatness and doesnt belong even to the greatest being that ever lived?
Existence being the breeding ground of greatness and not the other way around
If it werent for that hero, well, another one would have "occured",
it might be that the "faces" and names are only masks hiding the same omnipotent force?

He had taught me that knowing what to wish for is a far greater challenge than making it come true.
For it is our Wish that truly defines who and what we are.

gotesu
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Sojourner - reflections of Emeth Ha'Doresh

Unread post by gotesu » Thu May 30, 2019 4:41 am

Ever since I got here I have been seeking my way to return.
Just find someone who will teach you to "walk" I thought to myself.
Be it the Keeper of Portals or even a Red Wizard of Thay.
But the thought torments my mind : it was never my home, it was only a place in which I resided for my twenty so years.
It has given me a start, but not an end. it is where I come from, not where I belong.

My desire had not sate - to set my foot in places of wonder.
But my wish for belonging had gained its ground aswell.
And moreso when I see other's pain and anguish
How can I stay my hand from aid?
What point in power and the strength to reality shape
If not for settings things right, as much as one can.

And even when one wishes a whole world to mend, Isabella's , Enielli's and Atria's words do surface
and stirr a wish for the small joys of life aswell.

Finding balance torments me - to manage this contest of dreams.
Wishes of contradicting nature, each claiming to be supreme.

And as my thought swarm without no order, I cannot ignore what I've encountered
meeting kindness in surprising places by even those of dark descent
I trully hope I am not tricked, at least the price will be only mine to pay.
But if they are sincere in kindness and what in their hearts they tell
This might lead to consequences I do not know yet to foretell.

gotesu
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Sojourner - reflections of Emeth Ha'Doresh

Unread post by gotesu » Thu Jun 06, 2019 9:06 am

Now I trully understand why some would think us arrogant
We sometimes act on just a notion of possibility, even when the risk is nigh, without trully comprehending what we are dealing with.
is it arrogance? maybe stupidity? or even confidence? the line between these is sometimes blurry.
Yet I cannot deny there is a point in what he said.

Summoning the creature was pointless it seems , for we remain with our speculations and not the clear answers that we so dearly need.
Thinking too much about the odds may be disheartening, for what can mortals do against the careful planning of immortal generals?
At least we know, although quite obvious, that the devils use the Zhent as an excuse, alas, their plan still remains hidden.

And if thats not enough, it might be that some slavers found their opportunity in the shadow of the war for grabbing helpless souls to be taken into servitude, all the way to the below.
It is almost as Henryk put it, that we are surrounded by "devils" at every turn. How fortunate it is then, that we do not fight this alone.
I dare even think, that I have found a very resourceful ally - even "troubles" may hold positive surprises after all.

And there is the red wizard, a bright one no doubt, yet quite inclined at jumping to extreme conclusions.
Maybe it will be wise to balance him up, lest he drags himself and others to some unwanted consequences.

gotesu
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Sojourner - reflections of Emeth De'Rosh

Unread post by gotesu » Thu Jun 27, 2019 2:35 am

The passing weeks were rather eventful, keeping me away from putting my thoughts on paper.
Much happened that had caused me to reflect on things I had not thought of before.
It as if I had matured in a few weeks more than I had over a span of years back there at "home".

I lost two man who were in my responsibility, this failure burning brighter in my mind and heart more than ten times that number who had been brought to "safety".
Never before did someone else's life and welfare were mine to bear.
And thus this loss haunts me, knowing that we had pulled these people, in a way without their choice, into this dangerous "adventure" that for some resulted in their death.
But, there can be no action if one refrains entirely from risk - we all fail sooner or later, to that extent or another, and the magnitude of our failure is in correlation with the meaningfulness of the things we deal with : A tanner's failure would mean a loss of leather , A commander's failure means loss of life - it would be a pity if all would go and be tanners out of the want that their failures be less terrible.
Thus, guilt cannot be allowed to be more than a reminder of my limitations and a motivation to do anything to not fail so again - "Not to fail", yet never "Cease to try".

And them, The people I had worked with.
It is amazing how comradeship can foster fondness that on normal circumstances would be rather unlikely, to put it gently , I truly don't know what awaits me further down that path.
Time will tell.

gotesu
Posts: 22
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2018 7:49 am

Re: Sojourner - reflections of Emeth De'Rosh

Unread post by gotesu » Tue Jul 02, 2019 6:33 am

It is almost like breathing to me
Calling upon it no less natural then moving my limbs
Feeling it coursing through my veins
Engulfing me with this sense of possibility
Embodying my will - making my wants real

It is intoxicating
It is ... dangerous

I remember the first time I had managed to call upon the weave - how much effort it was to just create a flicker of light. After days of studying, preparing, trying again and again and again with him scolding me for every failure, mocking my inability to conjure a mere cantrip.
And then it happened... After a day in which I struggled to muster all the focus and determination I had, suddenly, a flash of light!
It was everything to me, my first contact with the weave had filled my entire being, It was beautiful
It was - awe.

Alas, now I sling my spells around as if they were arrows on a ready bow, weapons, just weapons and nothing more.
Instead of awe and creation and beauty I now blast and burn and break and crash.

I have replaced creation with ruin
Mind with domination
Beauty with pragmatism
Awe with power

War had coerced itself upon us, it was not our choice, it forced us to fight a necessary struggle.
Yet I feel its toll upon me, I had begun to feel a dangerous satisfaction seeing how my magic obliterates our foes.
I cannot stay my hand but I must find a way not to become what so many of my kind turned themselves into.

Maybe I just need a woman...

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