Sojourner - reflections of Emeth De'Rosh

[gotesu]

How many days have I lost to oblivion, how many insights have I made that no longer resonate my mind
may the letter be the champion of my memory and the written word emissary of my past.

I miss him, I miss his guidance, his wisdom, his pride.
despite the fact he had little understanding of what "childhood" means and how a mortal ought be raised
he did his best to be a father to me, and a mother too - all for the sake of a mysterious oath he had made to parents I have never known.

How I loathed his arrogance then, but now I realize it was just the simple truth.
So often I was doing tiresome errands for the business he was running on behalf of some "Great Caliph" and him seizing the opportunity
to preach me how a mortal like me should behave, his words almost carved in my mind after endless repetition:

"When addressing your betters, and especially with those who are not cursed with the fecklessness and abruptness of existence like yourself, - be courteous, appeasing and bear in mind how easily a mortal life can be snapped away."

Still, deep inside I knew that this was his way of protecting me from whatever perils my helplessness holds.

I owe him much
For it was his passion for experience and understanding of every notch of what existence has to offer - that has kindled mine.
It was his tutorship - that has given me the tiny aperture through which I began touching the deeper fabric of this world.
And above all, I now realize, it was his kindness for which I am alive.

How ironic it is that appreciation so often comes with loss -
now we are worlds apart and I feel alone.
and yet, I think it is just the great wheels of destiny that decreed -
it is time for me
to stand on my own.

[gotesu]

"What is it that you -truly- want?"

There, being inside a small conference room in the Festhall, his massive figure easily overshadowing mine even when he was seated and I standing.
It was there I had made my request of him, from the master of wishes, - Teach me the secrets of the Art!
and he responded with a question : "What is it that you -truly- want?"
I was buffled, I felt how his gaze rips through the facade of any false impression I was trying to make,
He had forced me to answer and not merely spit an excuse.
It is that question which resonates in my head and heart to this day, hammering its way outside its frame of space and time.

Is it Power?
A childish wish to prove myself to everyone around
or the aspiration for the ability to bend reality to my every whim.
But, do I really want to bend reality to my every whim? will that make the world a better place?
will that make me a better person?
What meaning does power have when you know the hourglass of your end had already begun its motion?
When looking closesly at the mirror you can already see decay?

Maybe Immortality is what I truly wish?
Having infinite amount of the most valuable resource of all.
But maybe that is merely an illusion that by bending the weave I can try and mimic those creatures that are far more than I?
and besides, what if eternity means eternal stagnation? what point is there for a limitless desert of time?
what if mortality is the great enforcer of meaning upon our lives?

Then, maybe Meaning is that which I crave?
Knowing that my short episode on this earth had made its impact, had left the world different and for the best?
Knowing that for time without end every block added to the great tower of existence stands upon a brick I had put there myself?
But, what if life itself is the greatness and doesnt belong even to the greatest being that ever lived?
Existence being the breeding ground of greatness and not the other way around
If it werent for that hero, well, another one would have "occured",
it might be that the "faces" and names are only masks hiding the same omnipotent force?

He had taught me that knowing what to wish for is a far greater challenge than making it come true.
For it is our Wish that truly defines who and what we are.

[gotesu]

Ever since I got here I have been seeking my way to return.
Just find someone who will teach you to "walk" I thought to myself.
Be it the Keeper of Portals or even a Red Wizard of Thay.
But the thought torments my mind : it was never my home, it was only a place in which I resided for my twenty so years.
It has given me a start, but not an end. it is where I come from, not where I belong.

My desire had not sate - to set my foot in places of wonder.
But my wish for belonging had gained its ground aswell.
And moreso when I see other's pain and anguish
How can I stay my hand from aid?
What point in power and the strength to reality shape
If not for settings things right, as much as one can.

And even when one wishes a whole world to mend, Isabella's , Enielli's and Atria's words do surface
and stirr a wish for the small joys of life aswell.

Finding balance torments me - to manage this contest of dreams.
Wishes of contradicting nature, each claiming to be supreme.

And as my thought swarm without no order, I cannot ignore what I've encountered
meeting kindness in surprising places by even those of dark descent
I trully hope I am not tricked, at least the price will be only mine to pay.
But if they are sincere in kindness and what in their hearts they tell
This might lead to consequences I do not know yet to foretell.

[gotesu]

Now I trully understand why some would think us arrogant
We sometimes act on just a notion of possibility, even when the risk is nigh, without trully comprehending what we are dealing with.
is it arrogance? maybe stupidity? or even confidence? the line between these is sometimes blurry.
Yet I cannot deny there is a point in what he said.

Summoning the creature was pointless it seems , for we remain with our speculations and not the clear answers that we so dearly need.
Thinking too much about the odds may be disheartening, for what can mortals do against the careful planning of immortal generals?
At least we know, although quite obvious, that the devils use the Zhent as an excuse, alas, their plan still remains hidden.

And if thats not enough, it might be that some slavers found their opportunity in the shadow of the war for grabbing helpless souls to be taken into servitude, all the way to the below.
It is almost as Henryk put it, that we are surrounded by "devils" at every turn. How fortunate it is then, that we do not fight this alone.
I dare even think, that I have found a very resourceful ally - even "troubles" may hold positive surprises after all.

And there is the red wizard, a bright one no doubt, yet quite inclined at jumping to extreme conclusions.
Maybe it will be wise to balance him up, lest he drags himself and others to some unwanted consequences.

[gotesu]

The passing weeks were rather eventful, keeping me away from putting my thoughts on paper.
Much happened that had caused me to reflect on things I had not thought of before.
It as if I had matured in a few weeks more than I had over a span of years back there at "home".

I lost two man who were in my responsibility, this failure burning brighter in my mind and heart more than ten times that number who had been brought to "safety".
Never before did someone else's life and welfare were mine to bear.
And thus this loss haunts me, knowing that we had pulled these people, in a way without their choice, into this dangerous "adventure" that for some resulted in their death.
But, there can be no action if one refrains entirely from risk - we all fail sooner or later, to that extent or another, and the magnitude of our failure is in correlation with the meaningfulness of the things we deal with : A tanner's failure would mean a loss of leather , A commander's failure means loss of life - it would be a pity if all would go and be tanners out of the want that their failures be less terrible.
Thus, guilt cannot be allowed to be more than a reminder of my limitations and a motivation to do anything to not fail so again - "Not to fail", yet never "Cease to try".

And them, The people I had worked with.
It is amazing how comradeship can foster fondness that on normal circumstances would be rather unlikely, to put it gently , I truly don't know what awaits me further down that path.
Time will tell.

[gotesu]

It is almost like breathing to me
Calling upon it no less natural then moving my limbs
Feeling it coursing through my veins
Engulfing me with this sense of possibility
Embodying my will - making my wants real

It is intoxicating
It is ... dangerous

I remember the first time I had managed to call upon the weave - how much effort it was to just create a flicker of light. After days of studying, preparing, trying again and again and again with him scolding me for every failure, mocking my inability to conjure a mere cantrip.
And then it happened... After a day in which I struggled to muster all the focus and determination I had, suddenly, a flash of light!
It was everything to me, my first contact with the weave had filled my entire being, It was beautiful
It was - awe.

Alas, now I sling my spells around as if they were arrows on a ready bow, weapons, just weapons and nothing more.
Instead of awe and creation and beauty I now blast and burn and break and crash.

I have replaced creation with ruin
Mind with domination
Beauty with pragmatism
Awe with power

War had coerced itself upon us, it was not our choice, it forced us to fight a necessary struggle.
Yet I feel its toll upon me, I had begun to feel a dangerous satisfaction seeing how my magic obliterates our foes.
I cannot stay my hand but I must find a way not to become what so many of my kind turned themselves into.

Maybe I just need a woman...

[gotesu]

I have refrained from putting my fleeting thoughts and emotions of late into paper
As if out of fear that writing them down will give them substance
Fear of admitting that my life is taking a course which I had not planned it to take
Fear of admitting that I was caught unprepared and became overwhelmed
And above all, fear that I am making a decision which might bring me to the fringe of betraying the ideals which define who I am.

But Busying myself so much with the little ups and downs of what my life encompasses when so much is happening to the world around me, touching so many lives, seem almost pathetic to me.

First and foremost the war with the devilish foe - the war in which we mortals stand against learned strategists that had an eternity perfecting their skill upon their demonic adversaries, Nevertheless, the last Fist offensive was declared a success by Duke Eitan, an offensive in which people from so many different backgrounds and so profound differences in view had each contributed to the defense of the Prime against a common enemy.
An offensive in which I had failed to rescue Grandmaster Arkalis from being taken hostage by his devilish kidnappers.
And underneath all that, the feeling that the entirety of the frontier is so vast with so much being hidden from our eyes that our situation might be grave even while we claim to taste success.

Hence I made my way into the Troll claws, seeking the Kingdom of Kraak Helzak and offering my help to fend off whatever advances the devils are trying to make in the darkness of the tunnels, much to my surprise, the dwarves in turn decided to send two of their kind, Simsae and Olmgar along with myself to a diplomatic mission on behalf of Baldur's gate and the kingdom to the Moonshae islands. Surely my first time as a dwarven diplomat.

Our journey was accompanied by one, Harlos was his name, an experienced sailor. And so I could use the opportunity to try and learn more about both the dwarven "Stonesinging" and a thing or two about seafaring and naval warfare.
In the end, our diplomatic mission could have been summarized as "we help you kill yours so you can help us kill ours" that and me getting a greataxe run my back by some minotaur pirate king, but hey, maybe that is how diplomacy works in times such as these.

Yet, even with all these large scale things going around: devils, necromancers, demons and whatnot I cannot ignore my own small upheaval.

Upheaval or fortune? I guess it is a bit of both.

It begun with the naive notion of thinking I can keep such an assassin in check, make sure she isn't a threat to the safety of the people living in these lands.
Hence I decided to "check on her", and so we spoke the first time only to be followed by a second and a third and a fourth...
And now I cannot count the number of times we had met neither measure the "involvement" we got ourselves entangled in.
She is a brutal, cruel and unforgiving woman, yet in the same time loyal, reliable, brave, dedicated and well...beautiful. I cannot help but admire her courage to take upon herself a war against forces that are much stronger than herself, yet in the same time having the cunning and ability to actually win.
The things she's doing on a daily basis makes my stomach turn, yet in a way, the time I had spent around her had matured me in a mere month more than I did in years.

Honesty - brutal, unforgiving , cruel - but true, to an extent. In a way, I see her as a lost soul that had evolved into what life in the abyss had forged her into, a lost soul I cannot see myself forsaking, a soul that I am striving to redeem . But in another, a woman with a backbone of steel the color of her eyes who will not forsake what she sees as her duty for nothing in the world. Thinking she could be swayed that easily was nothing but naivety and now that I think of it, a subtle notion of disrespect.

We are as she had phrased it, truly vithed.

[gotesu]

"It goes deeper then flesh, Emeth
We transcend desire.. Hunger.. Vanity. Its a true and pure connection."

And so the impossible had come to an end.
It is over, over because we all make our choices.
Maybe this was the right thing all the time, "option number two".
Yet I do not regret one bit of it and it saddens me to see it go.

Who knows what the future holds, life being so full of surprises
Where the black queen and the white king meet on the same board.

[gotesu]

How did it come to pass that out of all people it is those who I wanted as friends and allies that offer me such a cold shoulder?
It is as if no matter what I do, no matter what sacrifice I make for the betterment of others, I am still regarded with suspicion and distrust.
Not only that, many of the sacrifices I make are just turned by I don't know who into another wound in my reputation.

Am I that bad?

I make mistakes, I admit it, And I have so much to learn and in so many fields...
But don't we all?

I would've wanted to say that it doesn't matter, that other's attitude towards me should not change for good or worse my effort to lend my hand wherever it is needed - But that would be a lie, I can feel the wings of my motivation being held down by the frustrating reaction and uneven attitude I get no matter what I do, and if anything, that is what I fear most... I fear to reach a day in which apathy will take hold in my heart, apathy that stems from the fact that it is caring so much that had brought me this.

I pray that day would never come...
No, I swear that day would never come, for that will mean an end to everything that I wish to be.

Nevertheless, I cannot ignore it and excuse myself by throwing the blame on others alone, true, some of them are trully guilty, some have proved themselves lower than what I had expected , to my dismay, but that cannot be allowed to serve as an excuse for doing nothing on my part.
I need to find a way to learn whatever I can from this unfortunate situation and become better than what I am now.

And Karen... her demise pains me like no lycan can, thinking of it makes my problems seem so childish in comparison.
The thought that maybe I could've prevented that disaster haunts my soul, and thinking of her widowed mother which was left with nothing in this world doesn't let me sleep. A good hearted family that was shattered for doing their duty, almost no one shed tears at their demise. My heart cries at the injustice of it while my mind knows there are so many more shattered families that came to an end while the world remained oblivious. I hope to find a way to make sure their line and memory does not come to an end.

And amidst what sometimes seem as a starless night, while every turn seems just like another struggle, came that which lights my way, warms my heart and offer me something so much more than what I dared to ask for -
The Light of the Moon.