Entry: 001
First day of Midwinter, 3468 MC
First day of Midwinter, 3468 MC
I remember her pointed, well-manicured nails raking across my freshly shaved scalp. It sent shivers of pleasure down my spine and across my arms. The air was perfumed with incense that burned my nose like cinnamon, but when I pressed my face against her soft skin, I could smell only her. When I closed my eyes, I felt only her. Her skin was warmer than the freshly drawn bath water we sat in. I felt weightless in the water, held down only by her slender arm that wrapped around me.
“Do not coddle me so tightly, Zahra. You are ten this year, and it is unbecoming to act like such a child, especially when you are so much smarter and stronger than your peers,” she cooed. It wasn’t my fault. She was the one who did not loosen her hold. It was her fault, because she was the one who continued to scratch my scalp. She knew how much I liked that.
“I apologize, mother. I. . . I am just tired,” I lied. Mother was always away on business, and I was always with Master Eston. Finally, we were together, and I only wanted to hold her, so she could not leave again. Maybe, if I held on tightly enough, she wouldn’t find a reason to leave.
“Oh? Then perhaps I should make your bed time earlier, so you can pay attention to Eston’s lessons tomorrow,” she said, a thin smile stretching across her lips. Did she know I was lying?
“N-No! I will pay attention tomorrow. I promise! Please! Let me stay up with you,” I pleaded. Anything to buy more time.
“Your word leaves your lips too easily, Zahra. When you make a promise, you must do everything in your power to ensure that you keep it. And when you cannot keep your word, you must take full responsibility, even if it is not your fault. This is the burden we Mulani must accept, as we are leaders, my dear Zahra,” she lectured, but her voice was not biting or angry. Her voice as smooth and soft as silk, and at the same time crisp and refreshingly cold, like our courtyard during the first day of winter. I pressed my head against her body and enjoyed feeling the soft rumbling of her voice rising out of her chest.
“I will not be a liar,” I told her. I meant it. I may not want to be a leader, but I will not be a disappointment, either.
A shadow danced along the walls, to the tune of the flames that licked at the ceiling from our braziers. Tracing the shadow back to the source, it was Shevarrah, the daughter of the Ulmokina family. Her feet were so quiet that I do not think even mother heard her. I know that I did not hear her. I could feel mother’s heart race in a panic when she noticed Shevarrah, her hand leaving my scalp to point a finger at Shevarrah, ready to cast a spell. Her other arm squeezed me tightly. However, mother quickly calmed down when she recognized her face. Mother had nothing to worry about. We owned the Ulmokina family, after all, and they were our house servants. People who serve you cannot harm you. This included Shevarrah, even though she was my age. They were not allowed to shave their hair, like me, so they looked really dumb, but I liked her anyway. She would help me collect stoneflies in winter for my experiments, and we almost caught a weasel together. I taught her how to cast a Light cantrip, because she told me she was afraid of the dark. She is Rashemi, and my mother says the Rashemi are idiots, but Shevarrah learned the spell quicker than I did! If mother knew, I bet she would let Shevarrah study with me under Master Eston. However, Shevarrah made me promise not to tell mother, and she refused to talk to me in front of mother, so mother never had a chance to realize how great she is. Shevarrah said that it might make mother angry, even though I think she is wrong. My mother would not be mean to her or angry. She would like Shevarrah the same way I do. I know it.
I waved to Shevarrah, when she walked over to us, to pour fresh, hot water into the bath. She did not wave back. I wish she knew mother, like I did. Then she would not be afraid. She left as soon as she finished.
“. . . you care for that girl, don’t you, Zahra?” My mother asked. She must like her, too. How else could she know?
“She is the only girl my age, and she is really smart! She taught me how to catch stoneflies, so I could try turning their wings into feathers!” I said, looking up to meet my mother’s chin. Finally! She might let me hang out with Shevarrah more, if she knew how much she helps.
“She is not smart, my dear Zahra. She merely mimics you. Her kind cannot grasp knowledge the same way we can. The Rashemi can only pretend to be like us. They pretend to understand complex thoughts and ideas, but they simply borrow the conclusions we come to – however, without any of the complicated thinking and planning that leads to the conclusion. They are nothing without us guiding them. None of their ideas are novel or original. They are soulless golems, waiting for us to instill life and purpose into them.”
“B-But! I did not know how to catch stonefl –, “ I pleaded, but mother interrupted me.
“Enough, Zahra. I do not want you hanging out with that girl. Promise?” she asked, but I knew this was not a question. I knew that if I did not promise, I would be in trouble, and I might be grounded so I could not see Shevarrah. But I wanted to see her. Why cannot mother see that she is smart, that she is strong? Why does mother refuse to listen to me? It makes me angry, but my mother does not listen to emotions, and right now, she will not listen to my logic. I will have to wait for tomorrow, or another day.
“I promise,” I lied.