Baldur's Gate : The Sword Coast Chronicles : NWN2 Persistent World

Posted: **Sat Dec 19, 2020 4:23 am**

(( Before I post this, obviously the events in this are not at all considered IC or Canonical. This is a ridiculously goofy adventure...done entirely in the name of Good fun. So sit back. Relax. Have a read. A chuckle. And as always: Merry Frickin' Christmas from your Favorite (or Least Favorite) Kitten!! ))

Posted: **Sat Dec 19, 2020 5:31 am**

Twas the Night before Christmas, and down in the Gutter
Slept Salim, as usual, the dirty old Nutter

He awoke with a stumble
His words were a Stammer

He felt like some Dwarf
Had just clubbed him with a hammer

When off in the distance an object came near
Flying at high speed, and lead by Eight Flying Deer

"Sorry about that!" said a man dressed in Red
"I dropped a present!!! And it fell on your head!!"

" Who delivers PRESENTS In a Flying Sleigh!?
I thought THAT I was the Mad-Man, what IS this Charade!?!

]

"Every year I make this circulation.
To Deliver presents to the children of each Nation.

From Luskan to Thay, and yes even the Bedine!
The Heartlands, Damarra, and all places in-between!"

"Balderdah, I say!! You fat lying Wanker!!
With an arse so fat it's like a lamp oil tanker!!

Prove to me this feat, Oh He who is Largest...
...impress me, or I'm gonna press charges!!!"

"This deed I shall prove to thee, oh dear sweet Salim.
It shall be a sight unlike any that you have ever seen!"

How do you know my name!? Is it written upon my Face!!!?""

"I know Everyone.
And can be any place."

"You claim Omnipresence?
Why waste your time with Presents?

Ye claim Infinite Speed, and Ye claim to be infinitely efficient
And ye claim Infinite Knowledge as if ye were Omniscient...

"Do ye claim thyself a God, Oh Cherry-nosed Fat Bastard?
Would thou have me Bend the Knee? And claim thee as my Master?"

"A God I am, my child, but not one that you would know
I have as many names as there are Flakes of Snow

My titles have been many, as have been my sins
Names as Endless as the directions of the Winds.

The words that have beckoned me are infinite, without End
But tonight, dear Salim...Ye may simply call me OLD FRIEND."

Posted: **Sat Dec 19, 2020 6:08 am**

Old friend it is!! Up and away we go!!
Let's hurry along, and let's start this show!!

What did you drop? What was it that hit---
---oh please dear Gods don't tell me that one of your deer took a sh--""

"You would be DEAD if Rudolph had taken a Dump.
But it was only a Bottle. And left ONLY a lump...
No...I'm saving THAT "present" for a man named Donald Tr---

...nevermind..."

"So let's cause some mischief!? Let's Misbehave!!
Ooooh! Can we drop a bomb on the Thayan Enclave!?!?

We could drop some Dead Fish!! Right down their pipe!!
Into the Khazark's office. Where it's sure to get RIPE!!!"

"You remind me of Krampus..."

"He must be pretty swell!!!"

"He beats children with Chains. And then drags them to Hell."

Posted: **Sat Dec 19, 2020 12:32 pm**

["So where's our first stop, you bearded old sod?
Who gets to be the first recipient of the Gifts of a God?"

"We head now to Baldur's Gate, and boy what a sight.."

"It gets old pretty quickly. It's the same sh-t every night.

Demons, and Devils, and Undead run around
Zhentarim, Red Wizards, and Necromancers abound!!

There's Drow and Beholders, and Goblins and Fae!
And monstrous Amalgams in each f-cked up way!!

There's Orcs and there's Gnolls, and giant spiders in the woods...

And LEGIONS of Cultists...

"...I just call them "Boys in the Hood...."

"So if Baldur's Gate's your stop, let us just skip it's foul Essence..
Tis a cesspool of Filth, not worthy of presents."

"Many there have Good Spirits, Oh Ye of Little Faith!!"

"The only Spirits THEY HAVE are an abundance of WRAITHS!!"

Posted: **Sat Dec 19, 2020 1:22 pm**

"Our first stop is an orphanage, full of girls and boys
These children need me most, so they get lots of toys!"

"Yes, I imagine they need SOME sort of Elation...
..wish they'd just die off, already, and decrease the surplus population..."

"You remind me, dear Salim, of an old man named Scrooge."

"He sounds like a Genius!""

"No. He was a Stooge.
All the money in the world, yet not a heart left to lose..
Spent the holidays alone, with a bottle of booze."

"What can I say? Holidays are a Sham!!
It's all idiots buying presents, and getting fat on Ham!"

"You remind me now, oh boy, of a mean old Grinch...
..his heart full of hatred, and his jaw always clenched."

"Well I'm a mean one, so they say!! Malice that can't be topped!!"

"I'm like a cup of EVIL COFFEE..."

"--BITTER TO THE LAST DROP!!"

Posted: **Sun Dec 20, 2020 6:21 am**

"Here we are, stopping over the Elfsong
Come along, come along, this won't take long
Look at behold...as time starts to freeze...
And behold as we shrink, down the chimney with ease"

"My gods, you did not jest...
Time is stopped, to utter rest...
You are warping time...
..Warping space...
Your fat Arse squeezing into a very tiny space...
...you possess the power to create, and a red-nosed deer at your helm...
...Old Friend, I dare ask you.......are you of the FAR REALM!?"

"Of the Far Realm, I am nay, but into it I have gazed
Pierced the Veil with my clairvoyance, and I was thus amazed
I dared not look too long, else I become crazed
Like you, dear Salim, your mind's an utter maze!!"

"My mind's more than maze, Old Friend
My mind is Labyrinthian
And I've drank so much booze
That my blood is Absinthian..."

"You gazed too far, too deep, in Realms man should not know
As I once did, beneath the Tree...where the Roots of all Worlds Grow
I gazed deep into the Aether, into the dark of Eternal Night..
And the first Gift I gave to Man...was the power to WRITE."

"...Old Friend, if you are indeed whom I think you claim to be...
...the Old Seer, who gazed unto the Depths of the Tree...
..For Nine Days did ye stare into Eternity....

ANNAM ALL-FATHER...

..is how I know Ye..."

Posted: **Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:37 am**

As we went down the chimney, I giggled with Glee...
Cause our next stop was at my favorite inn..to see old Bentley..

The Friendly Arms inn. My home away from home.
Pretty sure Bentley wishes I would just leave him alone...

I've stolen all of his mugs. They couldn't vanish any quicker...
It's no coincidence that my Elixirs...all faintly taste of LIQUOR!!

I'm a Salvager, and a junkman! I throw NOTHING away..
Except for people, but, they're all useless ANYWAY...

As we emerged from the fireplace, somehow unburned
I looked around at the Inn, and was shocked at what I learned

All of the people, FROZEN IN TIME.....
As Father Christmas walked through, like a burglar plotting a crime..

He walked up to the Frozen Bentley, who was locked in place
With the usual smile that danced upon his tiny face..

He tossed a bag down from off of his back,
And as he untied it, and opened his sack
It was full of toys, and other knick-knacks

But with a smile on his face, and looking quite smug..
Father Christmas reached in...and pulled out some mugs.

Mugs of all colors!! Mugs of all sizes!!
Mugs that said "#1 Innkeeper", and lots of other prizes!!

Coffee mugs, both big and small, placed upon the counter...
..nearly Fifty in all!!

I chuckled as I thought "Man, what a great deal"
..I'm already plotting which mugs I want to steal..

But then Father Christmas walked outside into the night
And as I followed, I saw quite a sight

The very snow was frozen mid-fall
And Father Christmas calmly strided, and passed through it all.

He didn't even disrupt the snow. Didn't even move the air.
It was almost as if he was not even truly there.

He passed through the courtyard, looking all about
And then he opened his sack, and started to hand out

Gifts of every kind, to every girl and boy
Everything from clothes, to food, and then of course: Toys

"What possesses you, All-Father, to this act of charity?
Have you gone senile in your ears, and lost all sense of Clarity?"

"Why do it at all? Are you crazy? Or is it an act of vanity?"

"Is the LUNATIC actually questioning MY SANITY?"

"What can I say, All-Father, us crazies know our own...
..but I'll be a good sport, and throw you a bone."

Posted: **Sun Dec 20, 2020 10:05 am**

After Father Christmas delivered his presents, he walked back to the chute.

"We're done here, Salim, time for us to scoot!"

"Wait just a minute before we go shoo...
..there's something that I have ALWAYS wanted to do..."

I walked up to Bentley, the Gnome who was Frozen
And then unleashed the prank that I had so delicately chosen

I reached down his back, down next to his waist...
Grabbed his Underwear. And pulled it over his face..

I stole a bottle of beer, my favorite Tonic.
And left Bentley at the bar. With a Wedgie most ATOMIC..

I laughed like a madman, I giggled with glee.
Father Christmas chuckled, and then we went up the chimney

And as we laughed maniacally, and rode off into the sky
I heard a noise so loud, I thought someone was going to die!

As we left the area of the Inn, time suddenly unfroze..
I heard someone scream bloody Murder, like a Murder of Crows...

It was the Shriek of an angry little Gnome...
With underwear wedged so far up his arse..it had found a new Home...

.

"Truly you are kin of Krampus" Father Christmas explained.
"Perhaps you and he are one and the same?"

"Who is this Krampus, All-Father? You spoke his name before?
Some kind of degenerate son-of-a-wh-re?"

"A Devil who serves me I have bound with a Chain.
His job is to spread Fear, Misery, and Pain."

"Why would you need a Devil? You're a master of TIME!"

"To PUNISH THE WICKED, and keep them in line."

Posted: **Mon Dec 21, 2020 6:38 am**

When next the sleigh stopped
I scratched my head
And then my jaw dropped
And I felt a great Dread

We were sitting on a mountain, in the bitter Cold..
Standing before the keep of Darkhold

As I stared at the keep my hands started to shake

"What the HELLS are we doing HERE!? Surely THIS is a mistake?"

"Most Zhentarim are Conscripts, though it is not well known
Many are children, who were seized from the home.

Sword to the throat, forced to join the Inquisition
Brainwashed of all free-will, and all intuition."

"Are you telling me that there exists a Good ZHENT!?"

"There is good in ALL people, and ALL can REPENT."

"So are we Baking a Fruit Cake for Dreadlord and Friends?"

"No, the only "Cake" they will get in the End...
..is their "Just Desserts", make no mistake my friend.

No, the gifts I bring here are for the children who were taken
The ones who feel as though all the Gods have left them Forsaken

Children who know only fear. Know only Pain.
Children who are BEATEN..until they learn to serve BANE."

As we marched through the yard, time standing suspended
The All-Father took his sack, which he then upended

Out from the bag feel mountains of Gifts
As if falling straight through a dimensional Rift

Father Christmas with a smile that beamed
Unloaded his Bag of Holding with every toy you could dream

He let loose a laugh from his gut, that shook with great cheer

"Come on, Salim. Let's get the Hells out of here."

"Why hold on, old Chap!! There's no need to Run!!
Time is Frozen. In Darkhold. Let's have some FUN!!!"

"Harm no one." said All-Father, his voice was plain.
"Lest these poor children suffer the blame."

"Don't worry, Old Sport, not one person will be killed.
But when time unfreezes, well, they're about to be THRILLED.."

"What are you aiming to do? Something evil, or tricky?"

"Why, not at all, Old Friend. Just going to summon a few PIXIES!!!

And Summon I did. An army of Fae
Which sprang forth into reality, and flew every which way

The Pixies all gathered, and their wings began to Flicker....

...then they flew around Darkhold...

...AND BOMBED IT WITH GLITTER!!!

Posted: **Mon Dec 21, 2020 1:13 pm**

The Fae had been busy, and they had left a big stink...

...all the Dread Zhentarim...were now wearing PINK.

But that wasn't all, oh no, not a chance...

..because they also had Cast OTTO's IRRESISTABLE DANCE.

They were dancing, and prancing, and boy was it a Sight...

As Darkhold became Broadway...for only one night..."

As we flew off into the night, giggling with Glee
Victoria Trueheart stepped onto the Balcony

Her eyes were red, as if they were ablaze
She screamed with great Fury, and unspeakable Rage

"WHAT IS THIS DISTURBANCE!? WHAT IS THIS CHARADE!?

"WHY THE F-CK DOES MY CASTLE LOOK LIKE A FAE PRIDE PARADE!?!?"

Posted: **Mon Dec 21, 2020 8:10 pm**

"You remind me of my Son." the All-Father Spoke.

A mischievous trickster known by the name "Löke"

"Löke Laûffeyson is a name I know indeed."
Though I knew not he was your son, and born of your seed"

"The shapeshifting prankster. You would get along well.
That is, of course, as soon as he gets out of Hel..."

"What did he do to invoke your ire?"

"He is the God of Mischief, and a scoundrel and Liar!!

Father of Fenrìs the Wolf, and Jörmùngändr the Snake
Who lives beneath the waves, and makes the World Shake.

Posted: **Tue Dec 22, 2020 7:41 am**

"A Titan that lives under the waves, you say?
I"ve spoken to a creature such as that or two in my day..."

A creature of the depths, and a Master of the Deep
Who has lingered since the dawn of man, locked in Eternal Sleep"

"That which is not Dead can not Eternal Lie.."

"For with Strange Aeons...even Death May Die."

"The creature I speak of is larger, more voracious than any Dragon..."

"I know of whom you speak. The Lord of the Depths:

"DAGON".

"He whispers into the depths of my mind.
Begging me to the Sea. To join HIS kind...

To leave behind the world of Man...
..and return to the Sea. From which all life began."

"Ignore his Call, good Friend Salim
"The peace of the Depths is not what it seems."

"Don't worry old man, I've no delusions of Chivalry...
..if I show up at Dagon's Doorstep, it would be FOOD DELIVERY
Far too much struggle, I'd have to steal a Ship.
A lot of trouble for a guy...that probably doesn't even tip!!"

Posted: **Wed Dec 23, 2020 10:10 am**

"I find it humorous, old boy, that you speak of Under the Sea..
For that is our next stop, soon there we will be."

"You even deliver presents under the OCEAN!?
My my, this job takes a lot of Devotion..."

"To the Mermaids and the Naiads beneath
To the kingdom of the Merfolk, home in their Reefs."

"I've not been under the sea in some time, I find it quite strange.
But I used to swim down there a lot..when I could Shapechange."

"You miss the power to alter your shape?"

"Every day. I hate being stuck in the body of an Ape."

"Then my first gift I give to Thee old Salim...
...I return to thee thy Powers."

"...surely this be a dream!?"

"Nay, old boy. I make thee now...WHOLE!!
The gift I give to thee...is to restore THY SOUL!!"[/size]

The All-father gazed upon me, and his eyes glowed with Gold
As I felt power enter to me, like the Elder Gods of Old

I could feel it!! The power surging right through!!
I knew now exactly what I had to do.

It came to me so naturally, like riding a bike...
the power to change my form, into whatever I liked.

And soon my body was covered in fins, and in scales
I had become a Merfolk. I had done it. I had prevailed!!

And then the Reindeer descended, into the cold and the dark...

And soon we were no longer being pulled by Deer...they had turned into SHARKS!!

Posted: **Thu Dec 24, 2020 8:11 am**

We descended into the depths, and deeper and deeper we went
Until the sea became blackness, and all light was spent

When off in the distance I saw lights and commotion..

An entire KINGDOM. Lying beneath the Ocean!!

"What is this place, Old friend!? A city under the Sea!?"

"The Sunken City of ATLANTIS I now reveal to thee."

"But I thought that Atlantis was only a story..
Some city sunk cause some Kraken thought it was boring..."

"The story of this city is a tale quite Odd.
Is a story of forsaken lovers, and Jealous Gods."

"A great Seeress drew the desire of a God of the Ocean
But she would not give him her Love and Devotion

So the lecherous old Sea God, the womanizer, and Deceiver
Gave her a Curse to see the Future..."

"...and noone believed her..."

"Indeed. Her people thought her mad, didn't listen to her rave...
..until it was too late, and they saw the Tidal Wave...
But now Seer Cassandra rules this Metropolis of the Brine
Cursed to be crushed under the waves, from now til the end of Time."

"Well if there is one thing for certain, one thing that I know...
"--just ask Medusa what happens when you tell the Sea God "NO!"

Posted: **Thu Dec 24, 2020 7:54 pm**

In our chariot drawn by Sharks we began to descend
to the city of Atlantis, a Kingdom where wonders never end

There were whales used like cattle,
They had "Flying" Manta Rays instead of Bats!!

A sunken ship had been turned into a shopping Mall!!
They had CatFISH instead of CATS!!

And then the all-father unloaded his sack

"Time to go, Salim, we need to head back."

"Please let me stay a while! This is a sight I've never beheld!!!
While time is frozen here, we should stay for a spell!"

"My powers do not work on the Old Ones of the Deep..
They are too old, too powerful, and I can feel their presence Creep.."

Just as the All-Father spoke a Shadow ascended from Below
That turned Atlantis into Darkness, where once it was Aglow..

And as I turned my head about I saw nothing but EYES...
On a Colossal Creature, of TITANIC size...

"Allfather, is this the Serpent of which you had spoken!?!?"

"IT'S MY WORST FEAR, SALIM!!!!!"

JORMUNGANDR HAS AWOKEN!!!!"

Baldur's Gate : The Sword Coast Chronicles : NWN2 Persistent World

Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

Re: Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!