Baldur's Gate : The Sword Coast Chronicles : NWN2 Persistent World

*Closed in his room at Erevan's Jest, Kelian managed to buy a couple of soundries thanks to Eladoran help and his knew knowledge of the elven language...among them, a fine little book, a blank one. Putting it on the wooden table he opens it a the first page and begins to write*

26 Hammer 1357

"My first entry...and still not sure about all of this. Sister Ashenie was right thought, writing down that letter helped me explore a bit more of myself and to convey my thoughts...althought, not sure i will be ever be able to deliver it. Not now. Not like this

Has been quite the troubled tendays....my old group that i traveled with is no more. I followed the higher calling of my Lord and i have put them all in danger. Despite what everyone says, i keep saying that i do not blame them and Cruice is right..i cannot make them risk death, i'd wish them all to be safe...especially Syndreth. I will protect this world even alone if must be...so long that they will be fine, it will be all worth it."

I know that you still wish them here, my child...why you run from this? they would try to understand if you give them the chance...

*with a little deep sigh he writes again*

"True...i'd wish them all beside me again..going around the world, show them the new places i have seen and fight evil with them...but this is the problem: i do not do it for gain. The explorations of Corneille, while were fun and actually guided me to fight the horrors of this world, were made for gain. I am not like that...and i cannot lie to either them or myself, i will never be like that.I..hoped they would see that...but i fear that pain for them is even heavier than the one i prove myself...i'd just wish to be able to find the right words.

Alas, i can only do my best to show them, gently, with time..like my Lord teaches, everything requires time to grow. Like i told them, i do not regret my choice of that night...and not only because, like i learned later, i helped that man escape the clutches of that monster. I proved my faith and was granted new possibilities. I can stand up and prove that i am strong as they always told me...i am not alone, many helped me getting up in shape again. I am still making everyone mad, from time to time, with my faith..but those that are close to me knows that i am doing so for His vision of a world at peace.I can live with that"

*putting down his quill and letting the ink dry, he could heard the voice of Ysmael again*

You will see...give it time, things will change for the better, my child

I have no more doubts, my ancestor...i just wonder when it will be and pray that it will come soon...

"27 Hammer 1357

Last night was quite awful, it rained all the time and was unable to sleep...i am still trying to figure out what it means what i saw the other night at the shrine. Cruice and Lamt teleporting away with that drow...does Syndreth knows something about it? i would like to contact her and make some questions...do not feel like can really trust Corneille now, he did not say anything about this the other day or joining the Blackrose.I went on a stroll this morning to not think too much about it on this all and i met Elle. Is the kind of human that i like: weird and without prejudice, kind without being too influenced or trustworthy. I would like to travel more with her and show to her the wonders of these lands...it helped me to put my mind at ease for a while, then she had to go to sleep and did not wanted to hold her more.Thalanis too passed by, i was so happy he entered the village and followed the rules, i am sure that Syndreth will be pleased as well to know how close he got to Doron Amar in time..."

god here i am writing of her again...*tempted to reap away the page for a moment grabs it..but in the end just grumble and let go, taking the quill once again*

"he is right thought, i am dwelling too much on what happened in the past...to be honest, thought, i knew of Cruice inner darkness..i am not so surprised by him...i am by Corneille and Lamt.I am still wondering why did they give up..or were they tricked?..i'd wish to hear their side of the story but when Corneille said they were all good, he did lie...poor journal of mine, you have to hold all these thoughts that i do not let out loud in fear to hurt someone again or sway of this sacred path..

"Thinking on sacred...these attacks at the shrine are a huge mess without a logic sense...at least now we know what they are after, if nothing else.I'd wish to go there and fight them off again...but do not really wish more misunderstandings.Being fed up of those is the main reason why i retired here few days to get a bit of respite.Well, druids like Taka and Lelonna knows me good enough now, i am sure they would just contact me if they need aid.Aid, right, i have to reach Niyressa and Eldergarde at Candlekeep to ask f-"

..uh..*smiles* funny

"Now that i realize...i made a long way did i not..?from when i was lost in darkness and her hand reaching for me was all i could see, so many now are around me...sure,some at the moment are mad but others praised my effort, others still keep searching for my aid...i still smile remembering how Bhor and Al screamed my name in joy when they have seen me the other day...since when i found this normal? if i remember when i arrived in these lands again, i was barely interested in their lives...just giving some advices was more than enough...so how..."

*glances again at the letter with a wide and warm smile*

"right...is her that i have to thank, isn't it? she gave me a hand to stand up again...she believed in me and the fact that i was strong, and i wanted to show her that i would have not disappointed...i don't feel the need to hide my scars anymore, neither my past have something to do with whom i am now...i have understood so much and i'd wish to hear from her so much...why can't it get it over? why can't i just try to reach her normally, like i did with Corneille, and tell her all these things? maybe i can st-"

*after a bit his memory strikes with all the episodes that happened in the last days, the voice of Cruice ringing in his head*

What are you going to do if someone else dies?...what if was Syndreth to die?!

*makes his hand tilt for several moments and shakes his head before writing*

"...who am i kidding, she is probably safer far from me...she has her own battles to face, her own goal and is really strong, i know she will be fine.I will take another stroll later...joining Thalanis hunt,see how things are doing at the Lyre, talk a bit with the people there just to not feel this loneliness."

*letting the ink dry his flaring eyes goes for one more moment to the letter, then shakes his head and stand up, going to do something else*

28 Hammer 1357
"Yesterday was a bit of a better day.With a little of will, i pushed away the pain and went outside again.I managed to meet several people, some were still a bit less smiling and gentle than how i remember them but...all in all? i think things are slowly becoming more normal. Taka reached for me and said that the forest does not need anymore help, that they can manage. Works for me, i still said that if they need they can just sending me...but uh, i think he is unable? he had to track me down to show me that horrible trophy...i still hope he would burn it.After that, i was talking with other familiar faces when i spotted Syndreth...she turned from the way she came from..i told myself to not run after her, my mind kept telling me that she would have not talked...but i did. I managed to reach, she spoke..her voice was s ocold.. i tried to be like i am with everyone...she was hurt, she was mad..and she hurted me saying that she did not care about what i think.Is alright, thought, i did not pretend to have a long chat,i did not pretend to had...you know, i did not had any expectations at all really...i just wanted to hear her voice, even if she hates me.I even managed to tell that important thing, the fact that even if i will not wait for her, i will always look for her... i do not know how she took it...i prayed to Lathander that she understood my meaning."

* stops a moment to takes a little deep breath and shakes his head*

"..yet, she bowed her head and...said only be well. She did not say goodbye.I did not either. Is a start, right? i can still have hope that nothing is lost, that she is mad and hurt but that things can slowly be mended...i would really love that.After the brief encounter with her, i managed to meet Nathan...he looks...far less cheerful since that day. We talked, he forgave me and i wish to believe that he understood,deep down, why i did that.Still, despite that i feel him so cold too in these days...but could be my imagination and paranoia. Since that night at the Frost Keep, i must admit, my trust in everyone except my Lord is..hindered, not broken but..i always have this nagging feeling that despite being in a crowd, i feel completely alone.Anyway, i tried to organize a hunt with him but he is busy, rightfully so seen who he is, but still managed to organize with Al, Florina and miss Boots...i still wonder why she has such a name.Was a really succesfull one, Al was a bit scared at the start but there were no casualties...well, miss boots fell against the Dracolich, it must have broke through the wards i have put against death magic, but i always keep a ritual of resurrection at the ready for this.Then me and Florina went to that place that is becoming a bit special to me, we always have such long and nice chat there. We stayed from midday untill nightfall talking of so many things...well...mostly i do the talking, she is very reserved and quiet. I do not mind? i mean, it makes me only feel more complexed on what everyone says that i am loud and speak too much...but she seems to like that, or at least for sure does not mind.To be honest, like i always said i do not judge and do not really have expectations from others,but i being to look forward for those chats...she is silent most of the time and still when she speaks is very wise and gentle.Must admit,Eisen is right, i should be more mindful of her, pay back all the encouragement and support she gave me somehow."

*taking a little break he stretches his arms and watch at the window outside of his room, looking at the high tower on the other side of the bridge were he cannot go for few moments before going back to write*

"after, we met mister Sirion organizing a Demon hunt...how could i say no to their invite on this? was a bit chaotic but we managed to come back all alive.When we managed to go back at Baldur's Gate, we met Oth that felt a little left out..so i organized another hunt against the Vault. Florina at first wanted to join, but she then decided that was better to rest.So, in the end, me, Oth, Eisen and sir Sean went. Althought, Sean had things to do and left midway, during our travel we met miss boots that joined us once more. I am happy, to be honest, of her presence and i really feared she would not talk to me anymore after what happened...but, slowly she is going back more to normal.This hunt was particularly hard, for some reason a lot of liches gathered in the tower this time and almost all our wards faded. Oth lost hope few times...it reminded me that night at the Frost Keep again. Still, i sucked it up and i tried to cheer up my "guild mate" and to have faith, to believe if nothing else in what i can do.He managed to hold it and we pushed forward, meeting a curious halfling, miss Milli..she is a cheerfull one, i hope to meet her again. We faced the Dracolich and this time noone fell. We destroyed the abomination rather quickly and without many wounds either. Oth smiled and looked more relaxed."

*stops for a moment again looking down then writes*

" and then i wondered...if they had faith in what we could do togheter, that night, would things be different now?would we be laughing and smiling like we always do all togheter around the campfire?...i do not blame them, despite what everyone says, i still believe in them all..Syndreth the most..and i know they just cared for my life...i know they still do, like i do for them...but..what would be now if instead of just bowing my head and asking to let's work things out, i would have simply accepted to not do that again and forsake my faith?...what if-"

My child, don't do this to you...your favored mortal said it, didn't she? you are strong.You believe in them. Give it time.

"..my ancestor is right.Everyone is right. The more i dwell in the past, the more far away they will be.I will try to contact Corneille again in the next few days..see if he want to have a chat.Today thought i..think will just stay here.The pain is chasing me again and..i learned by now that i only damage others when i am like this.Tonight i will go to Nathan's place and sing a bit if goes better. They are a nice group..Oth sees them like a family. I wonder if i could join...could help sooth the pain, i think. I hope."

29 Hammer 1357

"Yesterday was...eventful.The pain subsided after midday, so i went outside, walked through the friendly arm inn and..ended up staring a bit to the campfire where we used to stop and chat.Eisen came by after a little while, we talked a lot and was a nice chat, so long that i am not alone i can manage to overcome the pain and mask it with a bit of silliness or wise thoughts.After that, i challenged my limits once more, after the fight with Taka i learned that he is right...i am too soft. Could have won that fight if i did not stop when i have seen him on his knee.I do not think will ever be merciless like Taka can be and i do not really wish to become as such, but i need to explore my limits a bit more. So, i asked Florina to catch up with us and we went fighting the Balor on the Greypeaks. In only three was a hard fight, but we still managed after a long battle to bring it down.We are getting the hang out of our faults and our best qualities..althought even Florina is treating me like someone that can only be protected. I begin to hate that...if they believe in me, they should do so in all circumstances, not only when is good for them."

*ponders for a moment on what he wrote and shakes his head*

"..i like when they worries for me, i really do. Makes me feel protected and loved...but not like this. Not if they really understand why i fight.Althought..why i fight? i pondered hard on this one these days...after what happened at Frost Keep, i thought was to fight for this world. For the place where my friends live in and their way of life...but...Florina made me understand it better: i fight for "my" world. For those that made it colorful and vivid. For those that give me a reason to live and a reason to die for them...but...i fear is too late to tell them this.In the evening i went to Nathan's place, the Lyre, wanted his advice on what to do...him and Florina bited a bit hard on me, i smiled but..that really hurted...and he told me the truth that i feared but would not like to accept. They do not want to hear. They are in pain and suffering...Syndreth is smiling and laughing and is cheerful when does not see me..i..i do not want to take this away from her. Seeing me makes her suffer and only because of her kindness she does not tell me to disappear.. Nathan told me all of that,but..deep down? i knew all of this...even if he does not believe me..i knew but this pain makes me chase her...because i am not sure i can overcome it alone..but here is not what i wish and what i desire. Is about her"

*his hand trembles a moment and takes a deep breath*

"..she deserve to be happy..she is so kind,strong,reliable and everything shines more around her.I am too weak thought, i know that if i see her shadow, i would likely try to reach again. Besides, this place is "her" home...i cannot take it from her.I will try to meet the Councilor today or tomorrow, i have a gift for her, and after that i will just go. I will miss this place so much...i already do...everyone has been so nice and gentle..i'd wish that Syndreth see that her wish is not hopeless. That she is right, Sehanine gave her a chance to protect her people..and they do wish her at their side.But for that to happen, i must not be here."
*stopping again with trembling hand takes another, deeper, breath*

"It will be alright.Thalanis invited me to travel with him, to reach another village up in the north...to see it with him and, maybe, i will be able to help his quest.Then, master Stonecutter invited me to take a drink at the Karak, wishes me to show the place...and i have still to pass the time at Candlekeep for that Polivich or whats its name..then there are Eisenhorn,Florina,Elle,master Longfoot...i can do this i.."

*few drops of water falls down over the page, near the spot where he is writing*

"..am not alone."

*passing the free hand on his face notice only now that he is crying, pondering perplexed on the reason why for few minutes*

...ah

"Master Longfoot is right, isn't it?..my heart is broken again, isn't it?...Is alright, thought. I am not running away this time. I am not giving up this time.I will travel, yes, but not for myself...i am trying to give a chance for her to mend with her people and be happy again.Is a gamble.It can be just my wishful thinking or my paranoia speaking for me...but she deserve to be happy here...and even if i travel, if she needs me..if someone here needs me, i will be just a sending away.I will be there if they wish me there...it will be alright, it will-*

*despite writing all of that, the page becomes a little bit soggy for more drops falling on the page and the writing stops here*

*buried under a little collection of books over the desk in his room at the Jest, Kelian takes a break massaging his forehead to write in his journal*

30 Hammer 1357

"Yesterday i did not go out much..i am getting accustomed to the pain, more or less. Still, had to go out and meet with Edelgarde...she was really thoughtful. Has seen me troubled, not only for the question of Polvich. We talked, she offered help and to talk with her..but..i mean, i cannot really stop her, but i asked to just talk casually with her. She likes to know new people and hear their stories. So long that she smiles, i will be alright somehow.

After that, she started explaining to me a...lot...of informations about this Lich...it seems that he indeed has been long long around, but the things that concern me the most is that there has been little progress in a proper hunt against him. Like, people for years did not even tried to find out him or its cult to eradicate it. This...this is quite absurd from my point of view, but i guess she is right. People here is just indifferent and contempt with protecting their own world? i mean, even i was starting considerating it...but afterall, i cannot. If i turn myself like everyone else, then there will be another pursuing the steps of this Lich Queen and then i will become like everyone else, complaining that Zhents and Banites are becoming rampant.

I will give the hunt to this cult, i still believe is too much for me alone...so i will try to ask for help again to the councilor and na..."

*for a moment his hand tilt, memories of the past conversations and his own paranoia hitting again*

"..hm..they are too busy afterall..i should not disturb them anymore than necessary...probably the radiants will be interested? but i heard that they mostly protect the lands around Baldur's Gate...even Candlekeep seems uninterested on the matter. Thankfully, i found an ally in Eldergarde for this battle, is something at least...i will try to ask for Eisen, Florina, Syn- *erase with a line that name* Thalanis and Bhor as well...funny, gathering all people of the races of this world to fight this menace...ah, i should probably warn sister Ashenie as well. She was with me when that guardian give his advice, she could have some more insight on the matter...or if nothing else, help me once more with this pain..."

*looks for a moment to the books to search in and sighs once more*

"i found several leads in the books that she gave me, i will start with some commute with my Lord in regarding this "twins of death and life" i believe that they are quite important if such a monster created them...after that, going to baldur's gate and try to reach sister Ashenie...ah...i should avoid the orphanage thought..she could be there and do not wish for her to suffer again.I will wait outside, she should do her usual round of the herb gathering and i could help her out"

*with another sigh puts down the quill and looks at the book*

"Alright Kelian, remember what corneille said, knowing is half of the battle..."

*and getting the book called "Lost Acorn" goes back into study*

"Midwinter 1357

Today was a good day.It started poorly, went outside for a walk and contacted Corneille...he did not answer... met Eisen and chatted a bit... my worries just rised, since i promised myself to go to Baldur's Gate and trying to speak with sister Ashenie...i was afraid to meet Syndreth and is what happened. She was..kinda hiding? never seen her staying in the open like that...she was spying on sister Ashenie and a tiefling that i later learned the name be mister E..? anyway i did not wish even to meet her gaze in fear it would hurt her but..when i glanced to her, our eyes did met and..she just made a hush sign with her finger on her lips. It took me by surprise and..i just smiled wide.It reminded me the complicity we had,even for a really brief moment, but then she was discovered and just walked away...i then managed to speak with sister Ashenie, she always support me and tries to reassure me...i tried to explain the kind of pain i am feeling in these days, how is unbarable...she gave good advices and she told me a bit of how Syndreth is fairing...it reassured me a lot but was not the main reason why was a good day.She then passed there again. I mean, she knew i was there so...if seeing me hurted her, she would have just avoided that spot right?..yet she did not... and she called out my name. I barely glanced at her, i did not even open my mouth and her tone was not as warm and with a smile like before but...she called me out"

*makes a wide and warm smile at that while looking at the page*

"she walked a bit over but stopped...waited for an answer...i was stunned, it required me few second but she waited...and was able to call her name back. Nathan probably would say that i hoop for very little things and that probably means nothing...but..i disagree on that and Ashenie gave me right: the world is made of little things.Does are what matters the most...heroism is important, but if is not for the blacksmith creating swords, for the carpenters creating bows, and so many crafters, how could heroes fight evil?...is a little thing and is not something like in the past...but that was more than enough to wash away all the pain of these days.Sister Ashenie after that, convinced me to not go North...even suggested to become a citizen there..but.. she is healing, is going better. I do not wish to ruin this to her. I will not go up north anymore, but i will not stay always around the gate and risk to make her mad again.It will be alright, i am sure of it now. When i am worried that something may endanger her, i will let known Nathan and Ashenie and let them decide if is worth her time or not. I will not stop her and will just smile to her..if she calls me i will happily call her back...and the day she will start to talk with me again, i will tell all the tales i am collecting so far: the places i have seen, the evil i have fought, the people met..and, i hope, we will laugh togheter again"

*takes a little deep sigh murmuring* i really pray that it will be soon, my Lord..

"I will stay in Candlekeep for tendays, after i managed to meet the councilor and give my thank you gift.After that great afternoon, i went fighting again. That "little thing" gave me enough courage to face the world alone if must be, but thankfully i met the Radiant and we went to defeat the Dracolich...i uh..think that maybe i have been a bit pushy? i mean, it happens when i am too happy sometimes.Noone complained thought, so i guess was fine.After that fight, by surprise, learned there was a sort of music event in a very nice place...is a hidden one and i hope to show it to her one day..or to the others, if i manage to speak with them...Elle pushed me a little bit to play, it was an open event where all artists were welcome, even managed to tie the second place with what i believe is a great singer, miss..Eilienil? i am not sure i wrote it down write, we do not speak very much for some reason despite being my kin.Miss Kasis arrived first, her song was nice but it seems that she voted only for me? i think, not sure probably should ask this since i was surprised.Even Oth was there and a funny accident happened: master Dral incited Elle to throw a snowball to Oth on the other side of the place, and god what aim she has! she got him right in the face and made him roll back a little. I cannot avoid but chuckle at the memory...there was a very serious guy near him, pity, i kinda hoped that a snowball war started...me Elle and miss Boots laughed a lot joking on that.I think that master Dral is warming up to me? maybe...i mean, he did not speak much, but did not completely ignore me this time. Well, kinda forced i guess to not be ignored? but he did not look mad."

"After the event, we all went to the Lyre, it was a nice evening and chat althought a stranger named miss Elena made everyone a bit mad...i do not really understand this. Sure, was rude, but..eh, i believe she is covering some deep wound or she has a very kind soul that wishes to protect by pushing everyone away...i think she is scared, not sure of what. When even Elle, master Dral and Oth went away, i found myself having a long chat with Cyrot? if i remember right his name, again, i am awful with those that i do not meet too often...we spoke long of several things, some deep some more silly, like he was trying to convince me that an aasimar is not a celestial"

*chuckles softly and shakes his head*

"it made me smile thought, i mean i admire humans, their lives and how they live...but i will not fool myself, i am not like them.I already passed one of their life time and i have seen some of them become old and die...despite my best efforts to keep them healthy. Is normal, thought, is the course of the cycle in this world.I can only remember the good moments and smile.That's why i was so happy with Syndreth...she herself said this "we have time" and everytime it was a fun memory...probably she will outlive me, elves live far longer than my kin, that's why probably is better if she takes me at a arm distance? i mean...i do wish to have her by my side, but-"

*once again,the words of cruice rings in his head but this time more distant* What if someone else dies?...what if-

Oh shut up, Cruice...god i should have said this a long time ago. *grumbles a bit but then smiles*

"- here is the thing, is her choice on what to do, not really mine. I cannot disown her feelings just as much as she cannot disown mine. So, if things stay like this, so be it...if things will go back to normal, i will be happy...if things will improve further and she starts to prove what i feel for her?probably i will be so happy that i will be ready to face an army of undead alone...but i will not have expectations, just hopes, like i always did, like i always had, like i'll always have...and may the Lord of Creativity guide my steps once more."

*after pondering a bit a final note gets added*

"speaking of love...sister Ashenie did told me to think about this: do i feel love for her or do i feel the need to love her?...is..not really clear to me? what is the need to love her?..but i suppose this will be a question for another time and another day."

1 Alturiak 1357

"I am so tired......Where to start. Yesterday morning was actually a good early morning. I met miss Niyressa, we chatted a bit and got joined by miss Lily...she was having a hard time, so i tried to cheer her up and giving aid. Miss Niyressa suggested going to the lyre and i offered to play a song. We separated, since the two had a bit to talk...at the lyre i waited quite a while, more than half a bell. My paranoia stroke again, made me thinking that i have been ditched...i tried to distract myself by working on a new song, when miss Levi arrived. She is a good natured tiefling, one of the few, a very sweet servant of Selune. We chatted a bit and a bell passed...i..was kinda tired of waiting so i was thinking of leaving...miss Levi made me reconsider and right after they arrived. I am not even mad..is just...i never really understood how much now i distrust others after that night.."

*rubs his face one more time, pondering in silence, then goes back to write*

"We had a good time, they were all so cheerful and gentle...i could not really feel that...like, a part of me was feeling of being played for a fool.I sended away a bit quickly that thought, but still...i begin to fear sister Ashenie is right.Anyway,miss Levi invited us all to reach the new Halls of the Inner Light...it was a nice idea...but, at the entrance i got separated a moment to pray, then when i went inside to follow the others, mister Sel called me from outside. Had..some quite dire news he wanted to share with me...but..was nothing that i did not already hear and i did not already know.But i suggested to bring it to Syndreth attention, i...cannot help them...i cannot.."

*the memory of that day strucks him hard one more time in a more twisted manner making his hand tremble and tilt a moment* "when they will start going into a killing spree the fault will not be theirs... it will be yours"

"..i just went away after that. Reached the campfire, was not really even able to face miss Levi and the others, not at that moment...there were some people at the campfire, mister E and Eillindi...and..Katina?..i do not really remember i am so tired.."

*stops from writing to rubs one more time his eyes taking a little deep breath*

"a fight started, everyone was quite heated so i tried to calm them down...but it ended up back firing. Mister E got really mad, for some reason, and accused me to protect a murderer...miss Eillindi a murder, dear god...well, his words were..quite sharp and..since the encounter with Sel..i know that he did not mean them,not like that, he cannot even know of that story just...i cannot shake them from my mind. Stayed a bit more at the campfire, but then just walked away...i wanted to focus on study for the ritual of communion, but in the end i was not able to ...well, whatelse can i do if not testing my mettle then? so i went out to fight...and i keep believing that Lathander is really putting to test my faith because while fighting trolls "another" dhaerow approached me, covering my back AGAIN.Gods how is thi-"

*takes a very deep breath trying to calm himself down*

"..i kept her at flail distance, she did not wish to fight..but this one was a lolithe, Lathander knows that i can recognize one now when i see or speak with them for few minutes...was about to fight when we started a discussion..i cannot really bring myself to kill someone that does not rise its weapons against me, is...just that stronger then me.I do not even know how, but she showed..hesitation?...was..so odd.I do not trust her, i mean for Lathander's sake, i am having issues in trusting even those that i actually know are good humans and elves, figures if i would ever trust a spiderwitch lover. There was a moment when i thought we would have started fighting, if was not that she named the attacks on the shrine..said that was not her people to do those attacks. Could be a lie, she could have been a very convincing liar, but...the things she added about those attacks later on are concerning.After that she showed again hesitation..caring for someone in the upperworld. If is a liar, is the best liar i have ever seen so far have to admit...i invited her to talk and watch the dawning sun. I needed to think..but those sparks of changing in her must admit made me smile..gave me a bit of hope for the future.She came outside, watching the dawn..the sun hurted her but she seemed interested in keeping the conversation going. I think was trying to get out informations out of me, ah, good luck with that....but must admit even if there is a one on a thousand chance that she is right...this must be brought to the attention of the druids.They would make the call and decide what to do...i already have my hands full with this cult, with all the people to contact and cordinate and...and then that awkward encounter with Syndreth at the halls of inner light...gods and just yesterday i promised myself to not linger too much in baldur's gate to not ruin her life..."

"...Lathander i need to stop..or finding someone to trust and share these loads with...is just too much.."

*takes another deep breath massaging his eyes with the free hand*Lord, what am i writing..

"..i will contact that druidess, Iolanna..she gave me the idea of being wise and know what to do with these informations. I have to speak with the councilor too? or Nathan?..i fear they would start belittling me again but...they are far more knowledgeable on the local spiderwitch lovers than me, their insight on the matter could give me an idea on how to proceed...then Edelgarde contacted me, she has new leads on the cult and i found new informations as well..i still wonder who was that strange fellow that was looking for a pixie...but for now, it will be best to rest a little more. I have to seek for miss Levi too, i think have quite the apologise to do to her..."

2 Alturiak 1357

""..finally, i see the light at the end of the dark night.I recognized myself a so much need to rest, so i just passed all my time at baldur's gate without really going out to fight or doing researches or worrying my mind with those dark elves...i spended most of the day with Levi and Lily. I must admit that i really needed that...both had some problems and i tried to help, but in the end they just made me relax, smile, vent out and gave me support...gods knows how much i wanted just someone that understood...miss Levi is a bit..hmm...let's say that she would have found herself very well in that town of sharessians...do not really remember the name right now. Lily is an handful too but...she reminded me of Syndreth when she believed in me...i found it quite soothing.Of course, she is not her, i perfectly know that..but still her kindness gave me that bit of strength that i so much needed.She actually made me reflect on what sister Ashenie asked of me...about the "need" or feel to love her. In the end, what i know is that i love Syndreth but i do not need her love to be happy, so long that she smiles at me, so long that she talks with me, i am able to carry on my life...if she will one day hold me and embrace me like a lover? well, that day i will know what, or how, would make me feel, for now i am happy just remembering her laughter. Lily was moved by that. She as well said that i was strong..one more time she reminded me of Syndreth so easily"

*smiles happily going then back to write*

"Still, all good things have to come to an end, when his beloved arrived i received a sending from Edelgard and duty called me back to action. Action against the paperdragons, but still action...and i have to thank her so much, finally everything makes sense! i treated the drow attacks and the cult of polvich like two different things, but i was wrong on that; they are the same thing! now, how to best use this is out of me...once more i would like for the councilor wise advice...and i bet that fighting off a lich would actually please her...but i think that after the last missive i sended, she is mad at me...not like i had any freaking choice, these dark elves keep appearing at my feet for a reason or another"

*sighs quite deeply* think at Lily, remember what she said...trust her...

"..anyway, lily will talk with the councilor...today maybe i will know if something is wrong like i really think...then i will have to reach for the enclave again to let them know of these issues. The radiant also could be interested."

*observing silently the room of the heartfire, glancing at Levi and Alyssia speaking and chatting his mind goes back towards the memories of those past days*

"What if someone else died?what if Syndreth died?!"

"You broke all our rules" "Then be on your way and learn to respect your companions"

"i don't care,Kelian" "Traitor" "Drow lover" "It will be your fault"

*after all those horrible memories, smiles warmly looking at the two laughing and chatting when more recent ones comes back*

"..what? did you think us so common and pathetic? i am hurted" "i hope your wandering days are done" "i wish you will call this home" "i'm glad you made the right decision,brother"

*taking a deep relaxed breath he begins to write on the journal once more*

"Today, i was reminded that not everything is written. That even if history repeats itself over and over again...that even if my mistakes keeps taking some people farther and farther away...even if this light that i carry would hurt those that are not able to look at themselves,i am surrounded by people that would not leave me alone.Yes, i am naive, for believing in a world where all the mortal races can live in peace. Yes, i will keep not hurting those that do not point their blades at me, no matter if they are human, elves, orcs or drows.People, in the end, will always judge, no matter how hard i try or good my deeds are.So be it, thought, i already knew that this path could have been a very lonely one...but, maybe, just maybe, it does not have to be.I know now that those around me are only concerned for me...i will do my best to repay this love they gave me how i can, but in the end this is my life. I decided to be a beliver, and that is something that noone can take away from me, not a second time and noone will bring me to the end of this path by hand, i have to walk it with my Lord and my ancestor by my side only.I am not alone, thought..i have friends..a family now.That despite my choice to defend my faith and my principles, they will not throw me away and that even if is a topic that hurts them deeply, they still would give a ear...listen to me and my worries..and i would try to ease and calm theirs in return.

things are going to change, again, but this time will be..a good change i think..one where maybe i can finally find a bit of rest...a bit of peace.I would not give up on my old friends either...i know that the Councilor could be right, they could have all lied from the start..but i still believe in Syndreth...but i sitll hope that the others are not lost...i will make them listen, one way or another, and make them understand...i will be satisfied already with that....and even if this path i walk is really the road to an early death,even if those i protect would call me liar and push me away, even if this path will be filled with hypocrisy and pain, i will strive to protect that light..i will become a Guardian worthy of this...

*smirks a bit adding*

..and become that Champion of the Morning that sister Ashenie sees so much in me."

*putting down the quill and looking again to the two women enjoying their lesson of bartending, closes the journal after a little and join the conversation with more a silly attitude, enjoying that moment of peace*

*sitted on the bunker bed after long hours of training with the dummies, he begins to write on his journal again*

3 Alturiak 1357

"Yesterday and today were..quite the strange days...but not at all bad. Different for sure.I spoke with the councilor i..managed to have a heart to heart chat, thanks to Lily...i feel more certain now.I know now that they will not abandon me and that i have a place to turn to...but still, i will not go back to Doron Amar for a long while..but i did not say them farewell. I will give time, hoping that Syndreth will reach for them...praying that she would understand how much they are concerned for her...so, i followed the jest- suggestion of Levi,Alarielle and Lily, asked Alyssia if i could join the Inner Light.She accepted me as a Guardian of the Halls and explained a bit of things, even learned how to prepare a couple of drinks she created...her creative mind is a jewel in these halls really.Then Levi arrived, i stayed with them for a bit since i was still interested in what Alyssia had to say, but i begin to notice a certain mood to rise and so i just wrote down an excuse and went outside....seeing what happened later i kinda regret it a bit, but they are a nice couple, just like Lily and Adrian are downstairs...i wish for them the best of luck.."

*still looking a bit down, after tilting a moment, adds*

"I..really am grateful to Lily for all she has done...but there is one thing that i still have no idea if thanking her for or not. I had accepted the fact that Syndreth would never love me, but...after her colorful way of expressing her love, she made me hope and fantasize on that future again...one with her in my arms...and not sure if i should hate or wish for this..."

*shakes his head once more trying to get control of himself once more*

"anyway, even i say that is foolish this time.I followed her advise on contacting Syn for warning her of the danger...but she just ignored me, how could she ever love me...maybe joining the halls was no-"

Ah gods here we go again...*massages his face for several long moments before writing again*

"I have to remember the resolve of the past days: see what she wants, when she wants..i have other issues at hand now that requires attention and the more i think of them..and her...and the more likely it will end poorly in battle. I am not forgetting why i achieved this power once it was offered; to keep up my promises...doing this does not require for them to be by my side.I should prepare soon for that ritual of communion..see if maybe some of my new sisters would be able to assist me.After that should reach for Shael...and i have to remember that Alyssia left me a task as well.Yes, this..this will keep my mind occupied."

*so closes his journal once more, looking at the door of the bath* "Well, Alyssia did tempt me and nobody is in sight..." *so puts away the journal under his pillow and goes to soak in the waters*

*done with the bath, after drying himself as best as he can, he reaches for his journal under the pillow and begins to write in there once more*

4 Alturiak 1357

"So...yesterday evening and today were so eventful that this entry will very likely be long.Once again, yesterday, i was being judged for my unwilling intentions to not kill the unharmed and those that surrender...no matter how evil the soul is, i still believe there can be redemption for everyone...but i did not really expect for a paladin to not show compassion. That was more harmful than anything.Despite that event, the communion with my Lord went well and i managed to obtain a lot of informations included a vision of the Song of the Morning...i..wanted the help of sister Levi but..in the end i just remembered the words of Corneille and Cruice...on how my battles would lead others to death and...i could not turn to her, i just ran away.Facing that alone again.

I felt..so guilty once i came back to the halls. Not only i ran away without saying anything but i broke my promise of staying around the Halls for the day...i felt so ashamed that i did not know how to face them all...yet..when i came back they acted normally, like nothing happened...Levi welcomed me back. I am really blessed to be here.The days are so warm and kind since i arrived here...althought something strange today happened, it turned out well.Firstly, that underdark dweller in town..was..really unexpected for me to see her. She recognized me...i was really sure to never take the same roads and paths twice in the same day...and i do not really believe in "coincidence"..may be this a sign from Lathander? my ancestor is always silent when is about these things, letting me decide my own course of action...in the end, i decided to talk with her. She seems curious on lathander's teachings and myself...leaving me quite buffled. Probably she is just collecting informations for "that dhaerow" that for a reason or another i keep meeting...and for heaven's sake, why is she so interested in me? bah...after that, thought, Levi stormed in, really pissed and hurting herself in rage. I tried to help her but, it ended up like always end up...like Syndreth ended up...she did not wish to listen, just pushed me away and told me to leave her alone

I am..so tired of people doing like this...if you are friends you share your problems, you do not keep them bottle up untill it explode...but no, everyone is more focused on killing every possible living creature that shows a bit of threat than talking.Probably should do the same and just grabbing my sword, running towards soubar turning into one of th-"

*the memory of the Friendly Arm inn comes back, the voice of her while smiling gently makes him tilt his hand* You really have a warm heart

*sighs briefly relaxing and begin to write*

"right...like i could ever do something like that.Well, while i was storming out of town again, heading only gods knows where...Lathander or Selune, i am going probably to thank them both, guided a Selunite to me. We met per chance under the stars in front of the gates..i almost rammed her for how much i was in rage.We talked, a lot. She is..very much like me...it was reassuring, it was peaceful and..i really enjoyed that. It was like talking to a reflection of me, but human..i felt like someone was able to understand me finally.I showed her the Halls, lead her to the others and...i do not even know why, but i asked her if she would like to stay. I mean, it sounds right no? another daughter of the moon at the temple..probably Levi herself would have asked that...but why i did? i don't get it...and everyone fell so silent in the hall that i actually felt embarassed. Anyway..i will meet her again, i think. She was sure of it and i did promise her to show Doron Amar, she never have been there. I wonder if Syndreth knows how much the things are improving...she always wanted for the relationship with the village and the humans to improve...i wonder if she still care...i tried to warn her of the dangers that lies ahead, like Lily suggested, but..she just ignored me..they all are not answering my sendings...i wonder if they are alright.."

*sighs deeply one more time*

"..this is what happens when i have nothing to do, i keep thinking of them.Should begin to work on those copies of my researches and results so to keep my head busy...and who knows, maybe tomorrow i will really meet Celene again? i would like that, i felt quite at peace near her.The others are downstairs now, Adrian had...an episode this evening, something that he is fighting with since one year. I would like to help him, but i fear to lack the necessary knowledge...i am more used to fight deamons and undeads, not really what he is fighting....i will give him all my support nonetheless.I will give to all in the halls my support, in all the forms i can.I just owe them that much"

*smiling a bit let the ink dry and close the journal standing up to change himself and reach the others*

*resting on the bed takes out his journal from under the pillow writing quite hasty and under anger*
5 Alturiak 1357

"Ugh those damn...maybe writing will help me calm down..i hope. So..today, i helped out Kali a bit..trying to let her leave her shell, she already has made great progress and looks a bit more sure of herself.Then i have gone out a bit, my days of a wanderer are gone but still can't say no to a proper fight...and the balor in the greypeaks has not seen my blade since a while afterall. The "crusade" was quite the success once again, is always nice to fight alongside the people i know.Then...i have asked about my friends to him..he said that they are doing fine, i am glad that he is giving them a hand like i asked i...am already happy just like that.Still i needed a moment alone, so i traveled towards beregost...thankfully Elle and a man called Greenwolf helped me out, giants had ambushed me. They cleared the nearby mines from goblins while i stayed at the shrine of Mielikki to rest and meditate...she came back, was worried for me.

*makes a bit of a softer smile, calming down*

I..am so blessed with so many people worrying for me and staying by my side.This cult is a minor threat for now, but is growing...and i am not alone anymore. Lily was right. Ashenie was right. I took a bit of courage, ignoring what Corneille and Cruice told me, and asked to three of the major faction to join my battle.Even the dark dwellers from the underdark, for some reasons, are interested in this fight...not that i actually trust them.Still, they can reach the cultists that i cannot in the dark...i am organizing hunting and researching parties..preparing for what seems to be a chance to destroy this lich once and for all..i am not alone anymore and yet..i feel so lonely..i cannot look in the shadows anymore for Syndreth...everytime i do so, one of the servants of the dhaerows jump out of it...and they are not the shadow that i hope to see... i cannot reach for my old friends anymore, since i cannot share these informations with the Blackrose...Adrian said that this pain can last for months...gods..

*looks a bit down, definitely calmer now, took by malinchony again.but takes a deep breath and steel his resolve and heart letting go of those thoughts*

"..i have to talk with Lily.I fear she would be mad for what i am about to say but..she want to join the hunt, so she need to know how i gained these informations..i..can only hope she would not be too much disappointed.I also have to say to Eisen and Oth that they are not going to see me at the Lyre anymore, not with those two pieces of scum that dared to insult my sisters on the holy ground of the Halls.I have also to reach for the archdruid and his mate..yesterday was so of a frustrating day that i ended up being unrespectful to her.
On a more positive note, lady Alyssia authorized me to organize the Song of the Morning event for the Equinox.Finally, something to focus my mind on that is not painful or hard, something actually can enjoy the whole community and can bring peace and serenity.There is so much to do...i have to ask the White Theater as well for their support on this.I need also to prepare a letter of plea to the Dukes, for what i have in mind would require the use of the nearby plaza and organize the stands for the games and food...so much to do and so little time"

*makes a more amused smile closing then his journal once dried up, murmuring to himself* "I wonder if they will come too...at the battle or at the festival..."

*after the usual bath, sits on his bed once more, taking his journal from under the pillow*

6 Alturiak 1357

"Well..is official...i cannot stay with nothing to do.I took care of few chores at the Halls,sure...welcomed some guests and visitors...even discovered who is leaving all those offerings at Llira's shrine..but most of the time i had my mind just that free..and it wandered in the past again.I don't know if i should thank Nalissa or avoid her...she reminded me of the first time i have seen Syndreth with a dress.It was so awkward...i was following Alyssa advice, trying to get out of my shell and going to this ball...but i was terrified at the idea of being among people again.I met Syn per chance, on the road, she saw my attire for the balls..she liked it and complimented it. Told her my worries and why i was not that keen to go, she was not either but for another reason...so i misunderstood and said, well if is just that the problem we could go togheter and so cover eachother...she did not mean that was an issue for her and observed at me in surprise..i felt like diying for embarassment..and yet she accepted.

*smiles quite warmly*

I remember everything of that night...it was so awkward..the entrance, my strange attempts to follow etiquette, everything. I did not know what to say, she did not speak much...yet we still smiled and laughed a lot...especially the day after, when we played pretending at Mielikki's shrine on what we have seen at the ball and how it went...i cried.These memories gives me strength but...the thought that she is not speaking with me anymore is..so hurting. Corneille began to spoke with me again, he asked for my help...i am glad that he is doing fine, should meet him tomorrow.I remembered the first time he made a sending to me. I was roaming the roads, got surprised to hear his voice in my head all of a sudden.He invited me over to Beregost, joining a chat with him and Lamt. They were so funny..."

*sighs once again and shakes his head*

"tomorrow i will invite him over the Halls, see what is his problem and try to chat a bit. who knows..maybe i will have again one spec of what it was, once more.."

*his hand still shaking begins to write in the journal*

7 Alturak 1357

I..met Corneille and Lamt today...they were...were so different...many things happened today but..but this..i can still feel my heart beating wild...

The whole place was...cold...decadent...i could not look around without feeling an eerie presence...Corneille was...so distant so..pragmatic...was adamantine in getting informations out of me...Lamt was what hurted me more..she was extremely cold..the laughing girl that i remember was...is...

They were..so different...did...did Syndreth become like that too..?

*seems there should have been more but his hand slip and just a weird and wobby lines forms, the record stops here*

*back at the halls and with little to do at the moment, takes up his journal once more. He looks at the entry of the day before with a sad look and sighs, tempted for a moment to rip it off but stops*

..no...it serves me as a reminder...

*then takes his quill and begins to write once again*

"8 Alturiak 1357

Today was...quite the calm day and i focused mostly on the preparations for the festival. Met also a funny halfling named Merry, hope to meet her again to be honest...but since there is so little i will write better what happened yesterday and the reason why i was...so weak

So, firstly, i have met my old friends...they invited me to Fort Promenance, Nalissa showed me there and told me is the main place of house Blackrose, and at first i thought i should have helped Corneille with taking care of a friend of his. Turned out, that he was seeking informations about the werewolves attacks...i tried to tell him that i knew little, i was contacted only to fight and i was fine with that...but he seems did not believe me. He became adamantine and pressing on getting informations that i did not had...Lamt and Cruice were just staring, coldly.Lamt was...also angry, dissatisfaid...they began to talk for riddles at some points.Maybe was my paranoia that stroke me or the atmosphere of the place but...i was unable to stand that anymore, casted a protection spell and said i had to go.

I...i really hoped, despite what everyone told me, despite what the reports i got from some friends...that they did not really change. That there was some reason for them being there that i could not see... but i have to face the truth: they did change, just like i did.I would like to reach for them, i would try to get them out of it but i don't know how...maybe if they come to the halls instead?..but Lamt would have problems for Fatum...i could ask to Alyssia and..

*stops a moment, looking at the previous page and closing his eyes in regret*

..no..they made their choice. If they will try to get out of the darkness i will be there to give them a hand but...there are so many threats and so many problems around here, some that the people of this world have even forgotten or ditched for long.I am in extreme pain after yesterday but...i have to press on and not show it...especially because of those who live below, they would turn this against me.The dwellers of the dark reached for me again after it. I found the dhaerow, the same of the last two encounters, wounded and hurted in the trollclaws. I could have finished her off. I did not. Maybe they are right, i am too soft, but she has been "fair" with me so far in her wickedness. Besides, i need her informations, this threat of the lich is slowly growing, more undead and dhaerows attacks have been reported in the surroundings...not even sure which ones are correlated, but is a bit too much of a coincidence that they began to be rampant after the warning of that guardian of the glades.

I healed her, she dropped her weapons and surrendered to me...i was..buffled. Was the first time that a dhaerow surrendered without me asking or threaten.Maybe Lathander did guide me to her, who knows, she sometimes showed some signs of...backdown in her faith.I still believe is lying most of the time and i still believe that as soon as this story will end, she will try to backstab me...but her stumbles are real.We exchanged informations, she gave me some very usefull ones...if they are true...and makes this fight even more hard if they are. I will have to speak with Edelgarde or the Councilor about this.

I was pretty on edge since the place where we were talking was suddenly attacked by the undead...i am not sure if was a trap of hers or one of said enemies trying to stop us. In any case, we changed locations in a more wild one, not sure how much of a good idea it was, but i needed to learn what she knew. I was already exhausted after those encounters but...it was not over. When i reached for the halls, trying to clear my mind and rest, i went outside to pray at the shrine of Eldath. Alyssia and Levi were talking with that druid i have met at the glades days ago, not sure about what but did not really care at that moment...i just wanted to clear my head.Then, another dark dweller appeared, the one that is learning about Lathander..or at least, i thought was that. We have gone back to the Halls, i had to clear a misunderstanding of her, then Alyssia came out of the blue with "what are your intentions with my Morninglord?" ...it lefted me shocked on so many levels.

*shakes his head once more and sighs going back to write*

The only thing i was able to say was "do you realize that i already love someone else yes?" and...it seems that i was wrong all along. She was not there to learn of Lathander, but to learn about me...everyone thinks that she loves me, but the truth is far dire...down there they do use the same word for lust and love afterall. I still managed to stop her from running away...i..i am really tired of people running away.Despite any better judgement and my own survival istintict, i did my best in the tenants of the Halls and Lathander, bringed her for a long chat about how are things down there, how are things up here and what her true intentions are. She knew that i was fairly decent in descerning lies, so did not: she wanted to bring me in the dark and i am not even sure what they wanted to do with me, and that i was not wrong about her. I accepted that confession and said that was alright, i knew all along their true aim...but still, i need them as much as they need me. So long that we can have at least respect against the common enemy, this can work...then something unexpected, again, happened

She said that would have waited for me to to stop loving Syndreth, and of course i will never ever tell her this name, that...i told her that is not gonna happen...and then, she answerd that,even if could not have my love for herself, would have been glad to share it. I...am still really really confused by all of that...i gently refused her advances with a "we will see" but...i do not understand, why going to such extent? she knows that no matter what i will not follow her or lower too much my guard around her.So why saying something like that?

anyway, after the chat i bringed her outside, Alyssia and Levi were still there...chatting on the things i was doing to her and how i would have come up with a new song the next day

*sighs quite deep for a moment*

she went away and i bringed inside my sisters. Alyssia, i thought already knew her true nature since i told her of the matter the first time that woman entered the halls, so i was buffled for her to believe something like that. I shared with them all that happened yesterday, asked a bit of their advice too, probably will ask more now that i am rested...again, i should not talk when i am tired i just vent out in the end.I am gonna rest a bit more and, later, have to contact some people...many people actually...i wonder if i will have time to breath some day"

*close then the journal and this time decide to hide it in another location, far more difficult to reach and read it*