Mits Daygerford, Wayward Rascal

[ragnarok1983]

/// The dude's painting fit my character perfect. The guy's own D&D character is crazy similar to mine. ///
©2008-2009 ~ariokh

Tall Tales of the Vertically Challenged

- a work in progress -

"Mits" is my handle, so that's what ya can call me. Got fast sticky fingers an' that's 'ow I got the name. Could just as likely been named "Hairy Toes," "Prayin Scamp," or "Ole Sneaker" but those names are too long or too silly... or too accurate. I prefer brevity anyway.

Amn's crowded. It'd make an ideal place fer me to cut out a livin. Plenty of people means plenty of purses fer pickin. Thieves of Amn must make up damn near a quarter of the city though. I don't much like the competition an' they don't much like me being better at it.

So 'ere I am. Baldur's Gate... purses are smaller but they are just as plentiful. Competition's low too. I think I might stay a while. My luck was runnin out in Amn anyway.

A Fist Full of Fun

The Fist don't 'ave sharp eyes much. Already managed to tie one of the guard's boots together when he fell asleep on duty. A'course I couldn't jus' let 'im sleep there with 'is boots tied together. Took a coin out 'is pocket an' to prove a point, I pulled out my pots. Then 'ole Mits 'ere proceded to clang the cookware together screamin "Thief! Thiiiieeef!" He woke up an' saw me smilin there. Didn't take too kindly to my humor.

Shoulda saw 'is face though. He jumps up, starts to ready 'is blade, an' falls right over, flat on 'is face. Well I couldn't miss an opportunity for a li'l fun so I pantsed the poor bugger. Most satisfyin coin I ever took, I tell ya.

"Ay you! Quit layin down on the job!" says I, as I started to take my leave. He yells back while trying to hike up his pants an' get to his feet, "Get back here you little thief!" I responded with a smirk of course, an' said "I'd happily stay officer, but if they catch me with your pants down some awful rumors would be started! Can't 'ave any of that now. I got a reputation to maintain."

With that I took my leave.

[ragnarok1983]

Of Picks an' Prayers

So you might be wonderin, after readin the title of my book, exactly 'ow one becomes a priest of Brandobaris.

Well as you might be able to tell by now, I'm a trickster of sorts. Despite my graying hair, my mitts are still quick an' they always 'ave been. My feet aren't much slower either. I'll tell ya that being nimble can get you out of a tight place just as easy as it gets you into a tight one. Just as often a quick tongue will do the trick. More often than not, it's been luck that got me in and out. Was by the blessings of Brandobaris, no doubt.

Luck's always been on my side. Many a time, yours truly shoulda been caught but somehow made it out alright. Just for an example: Runnin from the guards in Amn one day in broad daylight. 'Ere I am a Hin a' thirty years at the time, an' still actin like a young buck. I'm runnin my 'eart out down that main ave with the merchant stands, ya know? Then I tripped, fell, and made a grand slide towards a stand covered with childrens' toys. My noggin takes one of the legs out and the stand falls. Guess what spills out? Thousands of marbles I tell ya! Those guards in all that platemail never stood a chance. Good break cuz I think the jailors woulda took my fingers for that job, or worse... You see, my target that day was a little well-known an'... well... pretty. She rendered certain services to the guards if you get my drift. Needless to say the guards that fancy her didn't take kindly to me obtaining 'er coin.

Don't know what they were all mad about. Jus' means she'd be workin overtime.

So my point is, I've been blessed many a time by Brandobaris. I recognized this early enough and often thanked 'im for every successful day, every time I escaped the authorities, or for 'is inspiration of my li'l jokes.

Prayer led to devotion an' eventually I found myself leadin my fellow sticky-fingered Hin to a god worth prayin to. Still just a novice of the church, but as my adventures progress I imagine that I might be granted the title of Rascal or Swindler. All in due time.

[ragnarok1983]

The Elven Male: Fact or Clever Fiction?

So 'ere's my theory: There is no such thing as an elven male. Now, I'm not one to go around varifying my theory, but I did come to this conclusion through casual observation.

Closest thing they got to a man is a few "warrior princess" type. Follow my theory now... jus' entertain the thought. Never seen an elf with facial hair, a muscular build (besides the warrior princess type previously mentioned), or one that could 'old 'is ale. Maybe it'd be prudent to mention that I got a theory that dwarf woman don't exist either. I'll save that tale for another time though. So what I'm gettin at is that, as far as I can tell, there ain't no such thing as a male elf. I'll concede that there are a few slightly masculine females though.

So I venture off to Candlekeep the other day... not intentionally jus' out of supplies. This li'l visit took place after yours truly escaped a kobold ambush, so I wished to buy some bandages for the buggers' barbaric bites. Anyway, I venture into this li'l magic shop they got there. Figured I might peruse the wares or maybe lighten someone's load.

Lo an' behold, there are a few lovely elves in the place. I spoke to one of them, though I didn't quite catch the lady's name. It was Valinthil, Valentine, Vallerie, or somethin like that. Doesn't much matter. So I approach the fair-skinned woman politely, offer to 'old somethin for her an' asked her if she'd 'ave any work. Jus' doin a good deed I thought, offerin to carry 'er goods for 'er.

Well the lady gets 'er slip in a bunch for some reason. After I offer her 'elp she says "It's sir!" rather abruptly. I think nothin of it... I would be referred to as "sir", so I don't see a problem 'ere. Then the lady elf makes a move on ole' Mits! Guess I still got that charm and rogueish good looks. She says "I'd be willin to offer proof of my gender if you wish." Well I got to admit, that was a bit forward for my tastes, but I can appreciate a woman that knows what she wants.

So I tell 'er "Happily miss! But... I don't think 'ere would be such a good idea." You see, I'm not much into public displays of such an act. Unfortunatley, the inn was full at the time too, otherwise I woulda offered up a room.

Well she does not take kindly to me turnin down 'er public offer. Not one bit. Goes on to claim she's a man, to drive me away no doubt! Well now, it's been a while since this vertically-challenged Hin displayed his horizontal-gifts, but this woman was "damaged goods" for sure. There was no doubt about it. Upon realizin her sensitive mental state, 'ole Mits had to take his leave. Not a complete loss I suppose. Don't think she had much going for her under that leather armor anyway. Had nice hips though.

[ragnarok1983]

Fat Lute

After adventurin a bit around 'ere, it's come to my attention that some of ya got your priorities all wrong. I ain't one to lecture, but I'll lecture on this followin point.

Ya all go into deep caverns of some god-forsaken lair of some beast to obtain loot. Now let me be clear, ole' Mits loves a good game of risk and is a big fan of gettin treasures, but it ain't really about what loot ya carry away.

It's how ya got it!

Anyone can say "I got this prized full plate from a gnoll's chest." That's not astoundin. Yours truly would rather walk away with a single coin... taken from a dark wizard... in a high-security tower... by tumblin through the highest window... and getting to said window by means of a catapult!!!

A better tale would 'ave me launched through one window while the wizard was flippin the coin. While flyin by, ole Mits'd snatch the coin outta midair an' toss a copper in its place, all while continuin' 'is flight straight out a window on the opposite side. What? I got fast fingers... with the right trajectory it's all possible! Hmm. I suppose I would 'ave to calculate my deceleration due to friction with the air...

A quick sketch is included below. Various calculations would be found on the back of the sketch.

Point is: Ain't that better than "I got this incredible ring from a bookshelf!"

Take my advice an' you'll see that it's not where ya get in life... it's 'ow ya got there!

---note to self: commission work on copper coins with the likeness of Ole Mits on both sides.---
---second note to self: Get more exercise. Need to work on makin the stomach a bit more aerodynamic!---

[ragnarok1983]

TYMORA'S TIMING

Well I been travellin up an' down the Sword Coast 'avin a grand ole time until last night...

I woke up in tha alley outside tha tavern which comes as no surprise. I wake up, walk back to tha tavern enjoyin a mighty fine breeze mind ya. So I walk inta tha tavern order a drink an' everyone's starin at me. This ain't unusual either as I am dead sexy. I sit down on tha unusually cold seat and wait on tha barmaid ta come take mah order.

Barmaid walks up, 'ands me my drink and whispers in mah ear. I'm thinkin "This is a good way ta start the mornin right!?" WRONG! She whispers in mah ear an' asks "Do you know you aren't wearing anything but your cloak and your boots sir?" I jump out mah chair and Brando-behold, I'm butt arse nekkid! I run the 'ells out into the street right out o'town I was so embarrassed!

I improvise mahself some undergarments an' travel fer some time. As the weather was turnin fer tha worse and gettin quite chilly, I approched the great Candle Keep.

'Ere I am in mah undergarments approachin tha entrance and guess what... I got bad timin mates...

"Who goes there!?" says one o' tha guards.
"A half-nekkid Hin!" Says I. "Now if ya don't mind I'm gonna enter yer fine fortress and get mahself some clothes!" I push past tha guards after they get a good chuckle an' after tha ladies get quite a fright from the "Dragon o' Mits' Briches."

It gets worse mates. All Phyl sells there is damnable dresses, no lie. No proper clothin at all. Well now I've gone from nekkid, ta half'nekkid, ta wearin a dress. Things just aren't lookin up for me.

Well at least mah little hinsicles 'ave thawed since. Now 'ere's the real twist. Tha damned dress is cursed! First tha thing won't come off an' when I finally do get it off... it reveals a clown suit underneath. I wouldn't lie to ya! Tha red an' blue clown suit won't come of neither. At all.

Tymora an' Brando are gettin a good laugh right now... so are 'alf tha travellers on tha Trade Way at that.

It is funny I must admit.

[ragnarok1983]

This Whole Retirement Thing

Well it ain't doin' much for me. Me boss 'as left on... unknown terms an' I been left with a lack of employ. Shame really. S'pose I ought to seek out some of my ole connections an' see if they are wanderin' about.

Met me a few ladies on the Tradeway the past few days...

They must 'ave terrible taste in men. Not a single one would look my way. I know I ain't in m'prime, but I ain't much pas' it now. Still rugged an' handsome I'd think. Roguish good looks like this ought to result in a crackdown from th'Fist!