The Dreamer's Notebook: Volume One

[VanillaRose]

The following entries can be found in the leather notebook that Selis Vhaire carries upon her person. Each entry is clearly marked, and all are written in a steady, precise feminine script. Certain parts seem to be written in a type of code.

There is a section of pages that has been clipped together to separate it from the rest of the journal; it can be found right before the current set of writings.

*

My beloved and I have arrived safely at our intended destination. The voyage was surprisingly uneventful.

This place is vastly different from the island paradise from where we sailed. Baldur's Gate has a certain grittiness to it that I have not encountered since I first traveled from Saerloon. The woman, Qnhcvp, was certainly correct when she said that one must possess a thick skin to visit this place.

Since our arrival, Asvg and I have been:

Robbed.
This occurred inside the sundries store when I was looking at jewelry and Asvg let his eyes wander to the strikingly beautiful con-artist. She distracted him rather easily with a bat of her pretty lashes - or so he told me, as my back was to her - and he never saw her hands as they took a fair amount of coins from my unguarded pockets. (I should have been angrier, I think, but the logical part of me realized that the woman had swindled us fair and square. I worry about my lover's wandering gaze, though.)

Accosted.
Immediately after exiting the sundries store, Asvg and I paused right outside to formulate our travel plans. An aging woman with plenty of room to bypass us instead shoved us aside with her large frame and barked an order for us to "move aside." I would have been offended had it not been for the realization that she didn't steal any of my money in her haste.

Accosted, again.
Once Asvg and I reached the farmlands, where we had been told that farmers needed aid, we spoke with a farmer named Ixeg. His plight was understandable - the continued encroachment of wolves was affecting his production. He wished assistance in thinning the population of wolves, and he was willing to pay for this service.

I slipped into my chain tunic and readied my shield and rapier as soon as Ixeg returned to his duties. One must be cautious and prepared when entering new territory, correct? Apparently, according to one simpleton who introduced himself as Ovhhvs Tywss, having my store-bought rapier out of its sheath was "scaring" the farmers - one of them with whom I had just spoken.

Ultimately, I acquiesced to his request, because although my pride was stung, I realized that I had no knowledge of this man or his connections. Asvg, much to my dismay, seemed to relish goading the man.

Acquaintanced.
Once we actually arrived at the countryside, we soon met an elven ranger known as Pgvdj. She was there to help Ixeg as well, so we agreed to travel together. (Note: she is an excellent shot with a bow and arrow.)

Acquaintanced, again.
It was not long after Pgvdj, Asvg, and I started through the countryside that we encountered a group of kobolds who seemed intent upon raiding and harassing. We three fought moderately well, but were it not for the assistance of Hxtshlze and Wepglxg, I think we all would have fallen eventually. After brief introductions and the collective catching of breath, we five decided to journey into the ruins with the intent of finding the source of the kobold's brazen raids. We emerged victorious.

I must say that it was nice to adventure with bona fide companions. It seems that Asvg and I have only had each other for so long now; our time spent in the Moonshae paradise resulted in few worthwhile acquaintances. I do hope that I will encounter the other elven ranger, Hxtshlze, again. He was a well-mannered sort. Come to think of it, it was he who greeted me so cordially when I was still in town shopping for boots.

There were other little things that occurred, but I cannot possibly write every detail. Suffice it to say that I am (mostly) pleased at the results of my first day.

[VanillaRose]

*

I cannot rest. Ever since I encountered that strange half-elf, Shvpq, my dreams have been plagued with bits and pieces of what feels like a memory. Every image is fleeting and disjointed; I cannot even begin to make sense of it. I wonder if my stirring keeps Asvg awake?

He seems different since our arrival. I would hazard a guess and say that it was the boat travel that unnerved him, as I know he cannot swim, but his actions of late have seemed more chaotic and unpredictable. He has always possessed a certain sarcastic wit, but only when we first met was it directed towards me with such venom. He seems to have no regard whatsoever for the subtleties of tact and manners, and I worry that he will one day mouth off to the wrong person with the right connections.

*

Another day. Another argument with Asvg.

I cannot even enjoy myself in a store full of books without him ruining my happiness with yet another of his ill-placed "jokes." I'm so tired of being the sole outlet for his sarcasm.

I'm so tired in general. I haven't been able to sleep through the night without another "dream" burning its way into my head. All I see is the woman - Qsdjpshvp, I believe - and the man who resembles Asvg.

I asked the half-elf about the dreams when he made his presence known to me. (His arrival in Baldur's Gate does not surprise me; he said upon the isle that he would always find me and Asvg.) He claimed that he was a former lover of Qsdjpshvp, but that revelation did little to unravel the story. What is he hiding? I know he has answers!

He said that all of us Cjpves women had problems with men, but that I seemed to be different than my supposed relative. I wonder if the man in my dreams who looks like Asvg is the military man Shvpq said spurned Qsdjpshvp? He looked knightly - if not a bit stern and distant - and honorable. I can see why she found him desirable.

And where is my knight? He is likely simmering where I left him, the coliseum arena, and convincing himself that he is completely right and that I am completely wrong. Of course, he is the one who has been wronged - how dare I take offense to yet another of his asinine comments! (I must make note of the irony present in my use of sarcasm to complain about his continued use of sarcasm. Were he here, I imagine he would find my observation amusing.)

Bah! He infuriates me! He is all that I know here in this strange new place, and I cannot even tell him what troubles me for fear of his mockery! Perhaps Shvpq was correct when he said that the magic we shared on the isle was fading.

What do I do? I have apologized in the past, but I refuse to apologize simply because he cannot grasp the fact that his stupid words hurt me! I made it through life without him before I met him; I can certainly make it through life again without him. I can manage just fine - I'm smart, and I'm talented. I'll return to the isle if I must - my work at the theater was well-paid. There's likely work here that I can find as well. I have options. I have acquaintances. I can manage just fine!

*

The following lines are scribbled in a haphazard manner.

Why can I not sleep?! These dreams - or are they memories? - refuse to desist! The half-elf - I must demand answers from him! I cannot take another restless night.

Where is my beloved? Why hasn't he found me? Has he cast me aside so quickly? I would not blame him.

I WANT TO SLEEP!

Please, let me sleep soundly, safe within the arms of my lover, when next the day ends.

[VanillaRose]

*

It is amazing what a good night's rest will do for one's overall well-being. My beloved and I made our amends, and I unburdened my heavy thoughts to him.

I told him everything that I knew concerning Shvpq and the "dreams" that have been unfolding in my head each night. My handsome husband-to-be listened, offered suggestions as to how to proceed, and gave me the reassurance that I had been needing to hear.

I could see the worry etched into his visage, though. Afterward, when we retired for the evening, he held me in a tight, possessively protective embrace that was just as much for his benefit as it was mine. I am glad that I told him, but the reason I maintained my silence for so long was because I did not want to worry him.

*

"How do you know where I am in those dreams?"

"Because I was there."

Another piece of the puzzle has been revealed, and I cannot say that I am surprised at all. Asvg and I have always suspected that Shvpq was involved firsthand, but now we know for certain.

Why were Qsdjpshvp and the knight in the dark caverns of the Underdark? What role does Shvpq play?

As much as I detest losing sleep when these images play themselves in my mind, I must admit that the storyteller in me has been hooked. I want to know what happened! Regardless of his intentions, I doubt the half-elf would allow some dull, lackluster story to infiltrate my thoughts. If I learn all of it, I could retell it again and again and entertain countless others.

Speaking of entertaining, I enjoyed some of the first genuine praise I've received since I dedicated my life to the arts. I won't discount the compliments I received while on the isle, but I always felt as if I were in Plevpg's shadow. Here, after I told the lengthy ballad of The Highwayman, a dwarf heaped flattery after flattery upon me - and! - he said that when he returns to his homeland, he would spread my name! I tried to remain modest, as my upbringing would dictate, but I felt a thrill of excitement tingle up and down my back at those words.

Later, when Asvg and I encountered him along the Trade Way, I asked Mpsheng if there were any performing troupes or associations of minstrels. (He is a knowledgeable and helpful man.) My heart sank when he said that there were none that he knew. How could a place as large as Baldur's Gate be without a performing troupe? And, perhaps the more important question, do I have enough drive within myself to create one?

There is no theater. There is no stage. I would have to build everything from scratch were I to undertake this endeavor, and I do not know how long my love and I will stay in these lands. I do not want to set another goal - much like the building of a shrine to Oghma and Milil upon the isle - only to watch it fade into oblivion.

[VanillaRose]

*

It has been days since I have last inked my thoughts upon parchment. Of course, it has been days since my thoughts made any semblance of sense.

I recently experienced one of the worst nights I have ever experienced in my entire life. Not only did the red-haired bastard Phsbv arrive to make my life miserable, but he brought with him news that made me reel. According to him, although I refused to believe him at the time, not only is Qsdjpshvp my aunt, but my beloved father back home in Saerloon isn't my real father. No, Phsbv claims that Ipwwpdj Djpeg - the man who disliked Asvg so much back when we stayed on the isle - is my father. Phsbv insists that he is now my "body guard," because Ipwwpdj hired him to "keep an eye" on me - or some such nonsense.

I had just received this double surprise of news when some random passerby - a man for whom I had actually answered a question at the campfire instead of ignoring him like everyone else there - decided to take it upon himself to insult the vivid red colorings of my attire and insinuate that I was a prostitute.

Even though time has passed since that moment, I still do not understand why some people choose to live their lives in such a negative manner. Asvg calls me an optimist, but although I am not continuously joyful, I prefer to offer a helping hand rather than a clenched fist. (Asvg used that analogy while offering me comfort; I found his words incredibly poignant.) Am I just incredibly naïvé in my thoughts?

My beloved does not quite share my kind-hearted nature, although he has his moments where he surprises me. His past, which he keeps to himself except for the brief tidbit of information here and there, has molded him into someone who distrusts the actions and motives of strangers. I, on the other hand, am often willing to throw caution to the wind if I think I can help someone. Together, we strike a balance, and although I get frustrated at times with what I perceive as coldness from him, I am thankful for his slight paranoia.

I wish, though, that there were other kindred souls out there with whom I could interact. I have met a paladin, Csydxe Qdphopvg, and while I enjoy his company, I do not possess his zeal. I have met a lively follower of the Morninglord, Devqqp, with whom I felt an immediate kinship. I hope that I encounter her again, for she reminded me of myself. The Shsgcvsh couple are nice, but they are distant because of their heritage. So, aside from my Asvg, all I have is a collection of acquaintances - no true "friends."

Can a Sembian even have "friends?" Despite my longing to escape the life of a merchant, I've found that I cannot escape my own heritage. I have been negotiating with the local merchants for better prices, and Csydxe and Asvg frequently ask me to sell their own wares. I even met a fellow countryman - Fvdx Hpqdyxvg - who approached me with a business proposal. Before I knew what was happening, I was talking about ratios, profit margins, and differentiation strategy. Money is in my blood, and while I have enjoyed regaling audiences with my stories, the only compensation I have ever received was the enchanted chainmail tunic I still wear. (Thank you, Yphsm!) The way of a true minstrel is not profitable at all. (Of course, I think it would help if the locals here realized that offering gratitude means more than saying "thank you" - really, would it strain too many pockets to offer a few coins for a well-done performance? Minstrels have to eat, too!)

But, back to my question: can a Sembian even have "friends?" Despite my optimism, it is rare that I say the word "friend" when speaking about someone. I say "acquaintance." In my homeland, everyone is "acquainted," because everyone in Sembia is looking for a way to undercut, outwit, or otherwise out-do the competition - most of whom are known on a first name basis. We do not have friends in Sembia, because friends are detrimental to the business process. One never knows when a supposed "friend" will sell the secrets of his or her success to the highest bidder, either. Trust is a rare commodity in Sembia.

The cut-throat environment and my own lofty dreams are what compelled me to seek another life elsewhere. I escaped to paradise, found Asvg, and then he and I quickly realized that paradise is absolutely boring. This place - Baldur's Gate - is not boring. But I long to belong someplace. There is no group of performers who have banded together, and my lofty ideas to create one are hindered by the worry that Shvpq will send for me soon.

I am at a crossroads right now, and I have to pick a path. Should I immerse myself into bettering these lands, or should I maintain my distance in case I depart soon? I have always felt the call of that unexplored, foreign land to the north, but each day that passes here makes Baldur's Gate feel more and more like it could be "home."

And where there is "home," certainly there could be "friends." Right?

[VanillaRose]

*

Slowly but surely, I am settling into my new life here in Baldur's Gate. I have made more acquaintances, and I have decided that regardless of how much time I spend here, I will enjoy myself.

Of course, it is easier to enjoy my life since I nearly had it taken from me. I still have no idea why Asvg and I were left badly beaten and unconscious on the Trade Way, but I am thankful that Szevxg bore witness to the face of the attacker. Word has spread, as word tends to do, and I was pleasantly surprised and humbled by all the champions who vowed to see justice served to the villain.

It was the attack that spurred me to go ahead and attempt my business plan. I have managed to amass a nice amount of coin thanks to my negotiation skills and frugal spending. (Really, I never buy myself much of anything. My lover, however, is absolutely spoiled!) My intention was to make loans to others in need as long as the borrower met my criteria. I also wished to offer my negotiation services to the public, because I can fetch a far better price - both buying and selling - than most. I posted my notice upon the board, but so far no one has contacted me. Perhaps Phsbv was correct when he said that no one ever reads that board.

Of course, I cannot get discouraged yet, because I am still in the fledgling stage of my business. Once word spreads, and I have a few ideas on how to accomplish this task, I will be able to gauge the effectiveness of my ideas with more accuracy.

Hpqdyxvg could have benefited from my ideas, but no - he wishes to do everything himself. He did not even bother to contain his laughter when I asked to speak with him. It is one thing to listen to ideas and politely decline them. It is another thing entirely to insult someone for daring to request a moment of time to speak. I think he will regret his arrogance someday soon, and from the whispered words that have graced my ears, I think "soon" will happen sooner than later. There is an old saying in my homeland that touches upon the fact that one satisfied customer will tell perhaps one other person to show patronage to business, while one unsatisfied customer will tell almost ten other people to avoid the business. Lofty promises that are left unfulfilled tend to cause unsatisfied customers. (But what could I possibly know about business?)

I have focused a lot lately on my role as a merchant, and so it was a welcomed change of pace to slip into the role of a performer. I spoke with a gentleman at the fire recently, and he informed me that the "Traveling Troubadours" performing troupe was forming under the direction of Wpekzguhs. I auditioned for Wpekzguhs, and I think he was rather impressed with my range of skills. He even said that I would fill a good role in the upcoming play the troupe has planned, and he said that I was thinking with "vision" when I asked about building a proper theater! I think he will listen with enthusiasm to the ideas I present - unlike Hpqdyxvg.

All in all, I feel relatively good about life right now. Even if my financial services business never amounts to much of anything, I know that I can use my wealth to improve the performing arts for this area. It would be nice to see my name on a plaque upon the wall of a new theater, because then I would have some sort of legacy - even if it was small.

My vision swirls with dreams for the future. I want to enrapture audiences with my performances on stage. I want to build a successful merchant business. I want to be known throughout the lands as someone who is talented, kind, and fair. I want to know others, and I want to be known by them.

Despite the bruises that marred my features for days, I am almost thankful to the man who caused them. Every action has a consequence, and the consequence of my brush with death was a glorious re-embracing of life.

[VanillaRose]

The entire entry consists of random scribbled phrases that follow no set order. The handwriting of the author is sloppy in a way that suggests she was either extremely tired, extremely intoxicated, or both.

*

I told my lover good-bye, today. My heart was breaking into pieces the entire time, but I had to be strong. Too much has happened. Too many wrongs have not been made right.

I miss him. There is an ache within me that only time or resolution can mend, and I fear it will be the former before the latter. He does not understand how badly I have hurt for so long now. He does not know how much I provided him.

The part of me which still loves him wants to criticize myself for my stance, but I know - and he knows - that I was justified. One can only endure so much before she breaks.

What will I do if he decides his life is better without me in it?

I have to remain strong. Do I not deserve happiness, too? There are other men in the world. I could find someone who would contribute just as much to the relationship as I. I refuse to believe that chivalry is dead.

He never did bring me flowers.

He is all I have ever known. His touch... his voice... now I know why the saddest of all stories and songs involve love, because this pain is nigh unbearable. Oh, my dearest one, why did you let me do all the work? Why did you have to claim "my" cause was now "our" cause, when you did nothing to help me towards it?

All the blame is on my shoulders. I should not have said anything. I cannot live a lie! I deserve a partner who is willing to share the load!

Why would he marry me when he gets everything he wants from me without committing himself?

Fool, fool, fool. Take another drink. Shed another tear. Why should I devote my life to him when I am not even included in his world? I am an afterthought to him. I am a means to an end.

All that I am to anyone is a means to an end. And tomorrow I will smile through my tears and pretend that I am just fine. I will sing a song or tell a tale, and I will perform it to the best of my abilities as always. I will trade and barter, and I will earn a profit.

And no one will know that on the inside, I am dying a slow death. No one will know that the smile I give is fake. No one will care, because the show must continue.

Why, my love, did you crush my dreams?

[VanillaRose]

All entries prior to this one have had a strand of green ribbon tied around their pages to keep the section separated from the current one.

*

As I witnessed firsthand today, the puff of smoke that one thinks will turn into a glorious rainbow can just as quickly shift into a foreboding omen of doom. Even the seers can never quite be certain what the future holds.

I did not think that I would return to this place. When Asvg and I set sail, it was with the intention of finding a new adventure in the northern lands where my half-aunt resides. We never arrived there.

I still wear the ring he gave me as a symbol of his promise to wed me. We never wed. Our quarrels grew more and more frequent; our paths in life moved farther and farther apart. In the end, we said our farewells at the next port of call, and I watched him continue north without me. I hope he finds his brother; I know it would make him happy.

I traveled east, towards my homeland, and I visited with my parents. They were pleased to see me, but even my time there was shrouded in gloom. I finally spoke with my mother in private about the the claims Phsbv had made a long time ago, and I knew the truth the moment she turned her grief-stricken expression from me. She begged me not to tell my father - or, rather, the man I always considered my father - and I reluctantly agreed. Why should I destroy their love the way my own love was destroyed? They can live their blissful lie; it matters little to me.

I am not bitter, though. No, I wish my old lover well in his endeavors. We did have some fun on occasion, and it is much more preferable to remember the few good times instead of the multitude of bad times. Still, my solitary return to Baldur's Gate was plagued by wave upon wave of memories of him. He helped me accomplish so much, and now I doubt my own abilities to succeed without him.

I saw few faces I remembered, much less faces of those who remembered me. So much has changed in the time I have been absent. There are more minstrels and storytellers now; I find myself simultaneously nervous and excited by the prospect of sharing the stage with others. The theater is not yet finished, but I am genuinely relieved that I did not miss the debut of my own project. (Note to self: establish contact with the project developers again. They might require funds by this point!)

At the risk of sounding utterly depressing, I find that I am feeling much like a flower who was once lovely but now has started to wither. I think I inadvertently offended a gentleman when I called him "sir." Normally, I could charmingly lighten the mood and perhaps make an acquaintance as a result, but my head felt full of cobwebs. I think I have spent far too much time at sea, because I have definitely lost my touch.

Cobwebs and seawater aside, though, I have to return to my work here. It will be harder now that I am alone, but I must maintain my dreamer's mentality: all stories can have a happy ending.

[VanillaRose]

Men confuse and bewilder me. It is as if they all have a secret, hidden sense when it comes to finding and pursuing an unattached woman. I do not remember receiving this much attention when Asvg was in my life, and I am not quite sure how to handle it. Part of me is flattered that I am still found desirable, but the other part of me wonders if there is only one thing on the minds of some of the men with whom I have spoken.

My inexperience with gentlemen and courting is really starting to show itself. I agreed, rather unwisely I suppose, to attend the upcoming masquerade ball with a gentleman named Qsplvg. He seemed pleasant enough at the time, but it was only after I agreed to his invitation that I discovered he had quite the reputation as a ladies' man. I was disappointed to learn the truth, but I will still dance with him since I am a woman of my word. Luckily, I will be performing at the event as well, so I can politely excuse myself should his behavior be anything less than appropriate.

*

Ixgpq and his wife are expecting a female child, and I jokingly suggested that the girl be named after me. Much to my pleasant surprise, Phvqdpevp agreed to the idea! I am glad that I have them in my life - especially Ixgpq. He is a combination of best friend and brother to me, which is almost surprising given our tensions in the past. He has matured into a responsible and dependable man, and he has really gained the respect of many of the area's inhabitants.

*

I have found an abundance of acquaintances since my return, and it fills me with joy to know that my return to this place was not fraught with loneliness. From minstrels, nobles, and mercenaries, I have forged new relationships with many fine folks.

I once thought that I could accomplish very little without Asvg in my life. His absence and my subsequent dependence upon only myself has shown me that I can accomplish anything I desire if I simply put my mind to it. And my mind, which is constantly in thought, has already formulated new projects that I will put in motion once some of my current projects have been completed or restarted. I am excited about the prospect of bringing even more useful things to Baldur's Gate!

*

Why are people mean simply for the sake of being mean? The hooded man, Ypvlsg, decided that he would annoy and belittle me because I am a minstrel. He had never met me (to my knowledge) and knew nothing about me, but his tongue was still sharp and hurtful. It is rare these days that I think ill thoughts towards anyone, but I would be quite happy if I never saw that man's face (or hood, rather) again.

[VanillaRose]

A single sentence is written in very large letters across a single page of the writer's notebook. Judging from the way the ink is deeply imprinted and the ferocity of the underlining beneath it, the writer was not entirely pleased.

He has returned.

The remainder of the writer's thoughts are scrawled upon the following page. Drops of different ink colors are splattered in places.

Why has he returned here? What does he want from me? All we do is argue! I cannot believe him.

He infuriates me! I have tried so hard to contain my emotions and work towards neutrality, but my progress was destroyed in a series of moments involving him. I was a calm lake on a warm spring day prior to his return, but now I am a raging waterfall crashing upon the jagged rocks below - and it's all because of him.

What can I do, though?

*

I would chastise myself for believing him, but it would accomplish little. Our fates have been intertwined since the moment we first met. We have so many memories together - both good and bad - but neither of us can deny the love that keeps us together.

But I admit, I enjoyed my freedom as a single woman. I had no obligations to anyone except myself, and it was nice at times. Of course, there were other times when I felt incredibly lonely and envious of the couples I encountered.

Asvg has remained my one and only love, but I like to think that I would have found love again had he not returned. I enjoyed the moments I spent with Unhs, and perhaps if...

No. What am I saying? He was simply being cordial with me. Even though we joked and laughed with each other, I believe he was interested in Pzevsh anyhow. They would be a good match, I suppose. And besides, he excused himself to speak with her saying that he would come back, but he did not return - not that I blame him. She has always been an intriguing, beguiling woman.

Not that any of it matters now, of course.