Never Again Forget - Saint Merielle Silene

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIRST ENTRY]
PART THREE: BROKEN HEARTS

His demeanor was understandably apprehensive. I felt like I was being asked to kill him… in the worst way possible. His eyes begged an answer to what Leo had implied. I prayed and prayed. I sought gentle words to soften a blow… that would still come harshly no matter what I did. He continued to revel in being back among stone and book. I did not wish to ruin his moment of Joy. I was reminded of something he use to say about Ruthlessness being merciful in such things. So I squared up my shoulders and regarded the man before me as I prayed for his strength.

‘If this is not the best place for bad news say so now.’

I watched the color drain from him. I prayed again and forged ahead.

‘I.. what.. kind of bad news…?’

‘The kind you might hate me for and get upset about.’

‘Merielle Williams, for you and one other alone of all the maker's children I crossed the continent of Faerûn to the frozen wastes to keep you safe, I will be nothing if not loyal.’

I felt ill… oh dear Mercy… Mercy to him. One other… Joan. Had she known him alive… had we known. But we didn’t. His voice rattled me from my desperate prayers and I focused back on him.

‘It is not your loyalty I question, but my own friend. I feel I have betrayed you.’

‘If something has happened to her... whatever that may be, I will endure. You taught me that… Stubborn little human that you are.'

He grinned weakly, he was trying to steel himself for something he knew was to be terrible… and I spoke quickly to bring the pain to a swifter end. Best not to draw it out.

‘We thought you dead.’

‘That's understandable... but how does…’

‘She grieved and grieved and waited and waited.’

I didn’t stop… I watched him slowly crumble in front of me. He paled as I spoke, and slowly his mind wrapped around my words. His eyes lost focus, and I lay my hand on his arm.

‘Oh… I see…’

As the final blow of my words were delivered… he swayed. I explained my part in it. All I could do was apologize. All he could do was tell me it was his fault for leaving. We stood there for some time having a broken, shuddering argument. Two rams, matched and locked for the duration, neither willing to give ground. The argument punctuated by tears and whispered comforts. Finally… words failed us both. For the second time in my whole time knowing him his tears were mine to hold. And for the first time since he had withered in the company of demons… did the cold not make him shiver, for he had gone numb.

I couldn’t say how long we stood there. I whispered prayers and encouragements… all the gentle truths I had collected over the years. His pain was evident, and my part in it twisted within me. Had I taught him to endure well enough? Could he stand this? He begged me tell him he was dreaming… swore he should have stayed amid the ice and snow and death. My words remained gentle, and my prayers constant.

‘I should have died on that glacier... it would have been easier…’

‘You and I don't get the easy way out friend... too much to do.’

‘I was right... the war will consume me, but it will take a lifetime of suffering for me to earn my rest.'

That familiar flash in his eyes. I could not help but wonder how he could serve his god so fully. It is one thing to suffer for a god who cares as he has accused me of doing in the past… but how can he Suffer for a god who does not share his pain or seek to ease it? I prayed so many Mercies to him then. I knew though the greatest Mercy I had to offer was to keep him standing now as he shuddered and shook.

‘I love him, but Shevarash will never let me have an easy road for my sins... Hells take them all, but I'll do it all the hard way if I have to... Why Joan? Of all that I had... why!?’

He was barely standing then. My heart broke for his, and for hers… for all of them. His body twisted and shook until it loosed his stomach. He did have the presence of mind to push me out of the way first. Not that I would have cared at that point, but it allowed me to wet him a rag, and get him some ginger for his stomach. I waited patiently, silently handed him the rag, then the elixir for his stomach, and finally a water skin. He thanked me. He spoke of someone once telling him his kind can’t put down roots.

Anger twisted in him a moment and he lashed out quite violently at the nearby tree. He exclaimed in pain, realizing too late the error of his action. Had there been time to warn him from something so unwise… Still it seemed to shock him back into focus. So we readied to leave. He wished a drink. I owed him one from ages ago anyway. So we made our way trudging to the inn. In all, I think he took it well. For now. How much churned within that I was blind to? I was able to draw parallels, and gain some small modicum of understanding… oh how much worse he must feel. I prayed for him. I prayed so much… and worried it wasn’t enough.

He resumed his bantering, and I allowed for it. He blessedly overlooked the pair of us being addressed as ‘ladies’ at least long enough for me to drag him to the inn. I eased as he spoke. He was a soldier with a war to face… a man given a duty he would not shirk… not even now. Still I had given him more ill news in one day than most get in one lifetime. He deserved a better homecoming than this. I hated myself. I shouldn’t have let Joan give up. Though the way she was talking… I had worried for her then. Now I worried for them all. Hindsight… makes sense now.

We were nearly to the inn when Joan showed up. She said hello to me before she saw him. She looked at me in shock and I quickly explained what had happened. She had wished to tell him herself… but understood why that hadn’t happened. She sighed and said she should speak to him. She accepted my offer to come along. He was already at the inn. Winthrop didn’t have is drink of choice on hand, so I bought several of the nicer ones. I am not one to condone drinking, but he deserved it.

Joan moved to him. I came over with a variety of bottles, having no idea what they were saying at first. He was hurt, she was in shock, and I came bearing some of Winthrop’s most expensive bottles. She asked him where he had been what had happened. He stated simply that it didn’t matter. He had traded one promise for another… he felt this his just desserts for such.

‘I still care about you dear... If I had known…’

The pain in her words. In his. I could barely look at them both. I prayed quietly as they spoke…

‘What the hells am I supposed to bloody say... ?’

It wasn’t an angry question… but full of hurt.

‘I don't know... I can barely keep my thoughts straight.’

‘I.. promised I'd never leave. I... broke that... it's... my.... fault..’

He drained one bottle with surprising speed and I offered the other.

‘Don't say that…’

He threw up his arms in exasperation. Thankfully by then the bottle was mostly empty

‘What am I supposed to say? I got stupid and weak and I forgot that I was supposed to be more than just some feckless killer... Harkness was too close, too exposed and I just... threw it all away.’

He finished the bottle. She glanced to me. He opened another bottle and drank deeply. I watched Joan try to speak, but words never found purchase. I could not think of anything worth saying. I stood there supporting them both in spirit, and not having a clue what to do. It seemed like ages passed before he spoke in a distant and broken voice.

‘Tell me you love him... whoever he is.’

She looked to me… and I didn’t know what to say. He ran his hand down his face in frustration.

‘No, don't look at her! Just.. please... for old times sake. Tell me.’

I watched the tears form in her eyes and said more prayers than should be possible. At last her words came. Honestly, and as painful as it was.

‘I do. I do very much. I'm sorry…’

To my surprise her words eased him… he calmed. Some of the panic fled him.

‘Good... I... can... live with that.‘

He looked to me and held out a hand. For a second I did not realize he was speaking to me or what he sought.

‘I don't suppose you have more?’

I held out the armful of bottles that remained and he joked about me trying to get him drunk. He laughed at my hasty explaination of not knowing what to get him and chose a bottle. He uncorked it and saluted Joan.

‘To new begining yes?’

‘To a new begining.’

She smiled lightly, a sad sort of half smile. He drank deeply and passed the bottle to her. Joan offered her own salute before draining the bottle. They both looked like they were losing their minds, and at this point… Firavain was rather drunk.

‘It's... good to be home…’

He said he was off to lay down. Joan offered him a place to rest. He said some words about seeking his own path. He then proceeded to drink the last bottle I had. He could barely stand up straight. He finally decided to just lay down on the sofa. Jonas had arrived… and when I said something about Firavain needing tea, Jonas went to get some while I helped him lay down. I gave Joan an apologetic look…there weren’t words for the numb hurt on her face.

‘You need tea.’

‘If you say so…’

‘I do.’

He slurred an agreement, and Jonas brought tea. I poured Joan and Firavain both some, adding to his something to calm his stomach and lessen the impact of too much drink. Joan sat muted and quiet. Firavain eventually passed into what seemed to be his Reverie. I took the moment to bring Jonas up to speed. He sought to assuage my rising guilt. Finally he woke and spoke… a bit clearer at least.

‘Should have let Harkness do me in... That would have surprised him…’

‘Say another word resembling that and I will slap the alcohol out of you.’

Jonas looked at me funny as I spoke. What he saw as unusual speech from me, was normal banter to Firavain. I gave Jonas’ wide-eyed brow quirk a reassuring smile, and added a restorative to Firavain’s tea.

‘I did suggest you hit me with a chair earlier... I… at least I think I did?’

‘Shush. And drink your tea.’

He smiled a bit and watched me hand the medicinal concoction to him, quipping wryly:

‘Are you attempting to poison me miss? Because... I think that would qualify as an easy way out…’

I smiled and he chugged the contents of the cup.

‘I would do no such thing, silly elf.’

‘Stubborn human.’

‘Of course.’

He drifted back into reverie, and Jonas spoke with Joan a space. He offered what little comfort he could to both of us. When Firavain awoke again he let me tend his hand that he had slammed into the tree. This however seemed to unsettle Joan. She fled upstairs. Once I was sure the hand was situated, I left Firavain in Jonas’ care and went up after Joan.

She was laying on the couch, crying quietly, facing in. I stood there quietly a long moment, not sure what to say. My suggestion… for her benefit. Jonas’ words about people making their own choices was up to them… well they seemed… ill fitting. I felt bad for my part in this, no matter how large or how small. Those dear to me hurt. And I played some part in it.

Finally I reached a gentle hand out to her and rest it comfortingly upon her shoulder. She shrugged it off and I shrank back.

‘I knew zis would happen…’

‘Joan no one had any way to know. I am sorry I really am... if I had known he was still alive... I never would have let ... Well…’

‘I don't know what to do.‘

‘I don't know what to say, I really don't Joan... I am sorry.’

‘A lot of help you are.’

‘I'm sorry.’

What else could I say? What could I do. She was hurt and angry. I could offer past wisdoms handed to me, and I tried, but it come to crossroads and difficult choices and her anger flared.


‘I DON'T WANT A CHOICE!’

I winced and sighed. She sobbed into the couch. It took several moments before I worked up both the words and the courage to speak again.

‘Tell me what you want me to do, what you want me to say... I'm sorry Joan…’

‘I love them both... I can't.’

‘What do you want me to do?’

‘Smother me with a pillow…’

‘I can't do that.’

‘You can't do anything! All you ever do is mess things up!’

I recoiled as she turned her anger on me. I struggled to find something to say besides another apology that would not amount to more than the others had.

‘Joan I--’

‘WHAT?! You what?! You need me to solve another one of your stupid problems?! Go away!’

‘No... I am sorry. I didn't know. I wanted… for you to be happy.’

I finished weakly. My voice was little more than a whisper lost in her screams. I deserved her wrath. I had gained her anger by leading her to her present pain. I wasn’t going to argue with it. I backed away. It hurt more that I had hurt her in trying to help, and that I could not mend it for her than anything. My sister, who comforted me when I cried, and I could not offer the same. I stood there, shocked and uncertain until at last, I told her I was going down stairs. I cringed as I was sent running to the door with a sharp reply at my heels.

‘Good!’

I stood at the bottom of the stairs, not really focused on anything. Jonas and Firavain came over. What pain wasn’t visible on my face, I am sure Jonas felt easily enough. I caught their looks of concern.

‘It's fine. I deserved it’

Jonas shook his haid and told me I should get some tea too. I just stood there.

‘You did what you thought was best for the happiness of a dear friend. There's no shame in that, Meri.’

‘I did what I had to for her happiness?! Well a grand job I did at that.’

Firavain nodded questioningly at the stairs and looked to me. When he spoke his mind was made up, he seemed stable. The tea had done the trick.

‘This is my mess... my fault... let me sort it out…’

‘You wanted her to be happy. She wasn't at the time. There is no crime in that.’

‘Yeah well now she is miserable and hates my guts.’

I smiled sardonically in mock victory at Jonas, who merely frowned and ushered me to the couch. Firavain headed up the stairs quietly. I called after him.

‘She is upstairs yes... but I don't advise going up there…’

‘Her ire will fade soon enough.’

‘She can throw a plate at me then, it might do her some good.’

‘Torm protect you.’

He walked up the stairs and I turned on Jonas miserably. Now it was a new trouble that loomed and haunted my thoughts… in an all to similar situation.

‘Would you be so forgiving, dear brother, if Telissa came back?’

‘Yes, I would.’

‘You don't know that.’

‘I'm where I'm supposed to be.’

‘My suggestion, yet again for someone else's happiness…‘

I scoffed at his words.

‘And Joan? Siomir? Firavain? supposed to be miserable?’

‘You made a suggestion. Yes, I loved Telissa. I still do. But if she came back today, I would have to--’

‘To choose.‘

I finished for him. He countered me levelly.

‘My choice is made. I was going to say, 'break her heart'.’

‘Exactly my point! And you could both live with it -and- my hand in it? I doubt even if you forgave it... she would not.’

‘Meri, you made a suggestion. -I- chose to act on it, just as she did.’

‘…and then I let it go through’

‘You 'let'?’

‘YES! She trusted my wisdom, she asked me if it was the right thing to do and I said: If it makes you happy it is. I -let- it get to this.’

‘No. You can offer guidance, but at the end of the day it is our own choices that we have to live with. You are a remarkable person, but you aren't responsible for all of us.’

‘Yes well, I will explain that to Joan when she is done cursing me to the hells.’

‘I got cursed to the Hells this week, and yet we are still together. As you told me, give it time. Why did you tell her to move on? Where was Firavain?’

‘Because she was miserable and we didn't know.’

‘Exactly. You didn't know. You thought him dead?'

‘I did. That poor Elf has more enemies than I could dream of on good day.’

‘I would have told her to move on as well.’

I couldn’t argue… I couldn’t argue his logic because my darling brother was now using my own logic and wisdoms on me. Strange how the Multiverse teaches us. I relented to tea, and retreated to the couch. I was lost in my own thoughts for some time. Jonas and the other members of the Radiant Heart headed off, and the inn was quiet for a time. Finally Joan and Firavain came down… both looking less like they hated life. Joan walked over to me and spoke quietly as she sat down beside me.

‘Meri… I’m sorry.’

Well that I hadn’t expected. We argued fault for a minute and she waved it off. She stated that she shouldn’t have yelled at me. They seemed to have come to terms… things seemed to have been going well. Firavain was content with Joan’s happiness… the rest would mend. And then, well in the fashion of a perfect day, Siomir showed up. He and Joan spoke quietly as Firavain sought to temporarily busy himself to give them space. At last, everyone settled.

It was tense at first. And then things eased… we passed stories like old friends for a while. We talked of Billy and of demons and dangers… of travels to the Abyss. Firavain stood near myself, Joan and Siomir on the couch. We passed a while in conversation, rather pleasantly. There was some not so pleasant talk of some old faces and older foes… of a certain demon and a certain… now -dead- elf. But it eased again for a time.

Selis joined us, to pay Joan, and by then there was hardly any hint of trouble as the introductions had been made and all were getting along well… those who knew what to look for could find the ill at ease. Joan and Selis spoke, Siomir observed. Firavain and I fell into old cryptic circles of conversation about troubles I had not thought of in far too long. The conversation turned to faith and to the children. And so began an argument on whether or not the children needed to be grieved.

He held to my argument, but his eyes told me different. When I challenged him to debate on who was more stubborn, he accepted with uncharacteristic zest. So we marched outside, he and I. Siomir placing a hand on Joan’s knee had unnerved him… and that was the real cause for why we stood. I allowed him his tantrum and countered him evenly.

I explained that he loved her, that he was very good to her. He was now upset that Siomir was a good sort and could make her happy. Firavain cared enough for her happiness to be content if it were not with him. I had always respected the Elf… today I admired him. He was handling all of this better than I gave him credit for. I thought our conversation mended until he asked me to give him a good slap. I of course refused. He insisted it would help, that it would knock some sense back into him. When I continued to deny he thought to insult a fully armed and easily angered guard. So I stopped him quickly. I couldn’t slap him first, or without cause… I wondered if saving him greater injury was cause enough.

‘I will slap you to keep you from getting bloody killed! Never insult someone you have to see every day.’

I chastised and scolded. He took it rather upstanding really.

‘One slap if you promise me to leave it lay… Joan's choice. Can you do that?’

We stood there toe to toe, each very seriously regarding the other. He promised me after a long, hard stare that he could do so.

‘You really want me to slap you?... Mercy forgive me…’

He nodded and I slapped him. Harder than I intended to… Nearly knocked him off his feet. We then rejoined the others. There were jabs about the hand print on the side of the Elven man’s face. We danced our words and dignity was left whole. There was more chat, pleasant. And some oddness with a winged pixie. But in truth I was tired… we all were. The day had been long and troublesome … Too long… with more than enough trouble. So we all agreed to a short nap before trying to make our way from Candlekeep to the City.

Looking back, a nap was a grand idea… there was still much trouble to face… As many trials as my heart had seen… there was still more yet I needed to face… but first we would prepare for the walk back…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIRST ENTRY]
PART FOUR: QUESTIONS

By the time we were all rested and ready to travel north, the whole group was in rather fine spirits given the circumstances. Firavain still seemed rattled. Joan remained to rest. Siomir and Rith meant to walk me safely back. Those two seemed… quiet. Poor Siomir. This would take time to mend proper, but at least at the moment it seemed largely salvageable. I thanked the Mercies for that. Apologies all around, we continued in a sort of forced cheer. Each putting on a front for the other, each knowing there was more to it. Silent out of kindness, respect or what have you. Selis wished to come back with us, which I thought was grand. Her voice leant music to our thoughts. I found it very calming. The music… not my thoughts. My thoughts whirled and twisted around in circles. I barely spoke… well all of us barely spoke.

As we past the ruined Bhaal temple, I gave pause. Firavain looked on it. I wondered if his eye, so used to seeing the product of war, would draw the picture of what happened for him? We didn’t linger long. We even met up with Kaden, who agreed to see us safely on the rest of the way. At our pace we would be there in time to make breakfast for the children.

I waited by the temple door for the others. I stepped in with Kaden and Siomir close behind. Strange how these little rituals have become instinctive habit. As soon as we entered, Rith’s eyes looked about, and only once everything was deemed in place, did they calm. Perhaps they saw no threat in the seven roses on the table? Why should they. The temple was full of flowers. I heard them commenting how lovely they were. Indeed they were lovely. Seven of them, to match my hair as closely as nature would allow. They were carefully arranged into a neat bouquet. A mall slip of parchment, with a simple note.

I frowned. I didn’t know what to think. Should I be happy? Should I be worried? What girl doesn’t like to get flowers? Did this mean he was better? I said a prayer… a pleading prayer, as I remembered the words we have shared lately, and the other two notes. I looked to the others. Not sure what to expect, knowing I wouldn’t find out unless I stepped out… not sure if I wanted to know… but Hope propelled me forward, and back out the door.

He leaned on the lamp post just across from the temple. I stood there taking in the sight of him for a moment. He seemed healthy. Collected. Kaden stepped between Tessian and I, Firavain and Siomir got rather close to him. The conversation started about armor and lessons. I heard Selis whispering encouragements. I was aware of the others, and that they only wanted to protect me. He stood there, in his usual finery. By all appearances, a perfectly whole and sound individual. He even almost sounded his normal cheery self. At least until he ignored the others and directed a question at me.

‘Do you like the roses, -love-?’

They had all be marginally calm until the venom dripped from him. Siomir looked ready to punch him, Firavain looked confused. Selis regarded him with a measure of protective venom all her own. Kaden snarled for them to get me back inside, and demanded Tessian leave… I couldn’t think for a moment. To hear him speak to me so… it still ran raw across my tender heart. So much contempt. Something that should have been kind and endearing was little more than a dagger. Please… I prayed. I knew if I let him go this time… I might not see him again. I steeled my heart as best as I could.

‘Stop! I am not letting him out of my sight until I figure out what in the name of Mercy is going on!’

Siomir backed away, Kaden held his ground but remained silently ready to kill Tessian I think. Selis placed a hand on my shoulder. Tessian turned to go with a Ta-Ta and a wave.

‘Wait!’

Firavain moved to block his exit at my call.

‘You, don't move.’

Tessian smarted off to Kaden about mine and Firavain’s disagreement to his demand that he leave. I asked them to step back. Siomir did so, but I knew him well enough to read the look in his eyes. He would be ready to strike at a -moment’s notice. Kaden spoke wisely, but I barely heard him. I was staring at the man I was supposed to be marrying soon… Wondering what to do next.

‘Meri. . he is here to torment you. -Please- do not let him.’

‘Don't you dare walk away or Mercy forgive me -I- will knock you out and drag you to the blasted temple.’

‘Hmm. That's not very nice.’

‘I am not letting this go until I know what is going on.’

I gave his cool contempt a defiant gaze. I prayed the strength to stand. Kaden was protesting, speaking of demon consorting. I looked to him briefly and spoke. I could hear the frustration edging in my voice.

‘We don't know its a blasted demon. That’s the trouble We don't know exactly what is going on!’

‘What do you mean ''we don't know"? That's what this is all about, and you -know-it.’

I cringed. Visibly. How could he say such things? There was no way the man I loved could be saying such things. His venom had the others riled up. I looked at the others and back to Tessian. My heart fell. There was so much hatred in his gaze. So very much. Give me Assassins and all the worst of the Drow over that look in his eyes… A thousand of my worse sufferings multiplied tenfold would not wound me half as much.

‘Then let me fix it!’

‘It's not him…’

I blinked at Firavain, glad he at least could see past it.

‘Meri. . you cannot fix a vile heart. If he does not choose to be redeemed -first-.’

Kaden still stood between Tessian and I, and frankly looked ready to murder him more and more with each passing second. The flippancy in Tessian’s voice was hardly helpful at all. Tessian looked to me and spoke with as much seriousness as contempt. His expression both smug and challenging.

‘Then go ahead. Fix it.’

Firavain again repeated himself which brought an indignant grumble and sarcasm from Tessian, as well as questions from the others. Tessian made an odd face and ran his fingers over his mustache. I heard them speaking, but the words were slowing in my mind. Prayer became a turbulent undercurrent to my own thoughts.

‘Of course not! I am Bogglewoggle Panswilder the Sixth! ..."not him..."‘

Tessian scoffed and Firavain spoke to the others.

‘A rather simple statement, the mannerisms are close approximates, but lack the subtleties of the man himself, his sense of humor is easily replicated…’

‘Ridiculous.’

Tessian stood there in his smug way. Firavain began questioning many things. Kaden was growing impatient. I wanted to cross the distance between us. Smack him, kiss him, something… anything to rattle him back to himself. I couldn’t move. It was as though my feet had become lead and were even tugging down my thoughts. The exchange between Tessian and Firavain continued.

‘Why the change of heart?’

‘Change of heart? Oh, I'm sorry...did I say that I had a change of heart?’

‘Tessian, you should have listened to what I told you...‘

‘Should've, could've, would've. Didn’t. What did you say, anyway?’

‘What I said, was that if you ever lied to me, I would know…’

‘Ohhh yes.’

Firavain went on about how He and Ian had killed people in Amn for the sake of our now dying romance. Siomir threatened to start taking out his fingernails until he spoke plainly, which I protested. Siomir and Kaden just stood watching as did Selis and now Kal… I stared. As hard as I tried thought was becoming difficult.

‘Err...sorry. What were you saying? Oh yes…’

‘Tessian... do not test me.’

‘Ian... It was quite good of you both, really it was. A little foolhardy, but very good. In retrospect, I would say that the help was definitely necessary. I'm just very sorry that it was all for nothing. Well, not quite for nothing...considering the whole --’

Firavain cut him off harshly. His anger rose, and he nearly well misspoke in a way that could have damned us all. I cut him off sharply, and fell into shocked silence as Tessian continued.

‘Should've taken the inheritance. Would have been worth it. Too much complication, though. I have to thank Miss Williams for giving him a shove into Fugue-a-licious existence, though.’

That enraged the others. I stood there… Shocked beyond measure.

‘Sorry. She's declared a no-toll-zone.'

‘I didn't shove him anywhere Tessian. You know what happened and why.’

‘Yes, yes. He tried to enslave you and you retaliated. Perfectly legal, and entirely honest. A poetic way for him to go, if ever there was, really.’

‘And the fact that you even spare him more than a passing thought would roll your mother in her grave. What in the name of Mercy is wrong with you?!’

And this is where things began to get complicated. I was ready to scream as the others talked of all sorts of things.

‘Can we try to figure out what is going on without hurting people please?’

‘Meri. The children are inside. He will -not- go in there.’

‘I know!’

I practically glared at Kaden.

‘Hurting people is very unpleasant. Not to mention socially unacceptable.’

‘I'll prepare breakfast. . .-if- he comes past the door, I'll protect the children. . reguardless of pleas.’

Kaden turned to go inside, as did Siomir. In one fell swoop Firavain reached for his sword with one hand and knocked Tessian out cold with the other. It was then that I became aware of Zach also. Siomir and Kaden paused. Selis had gone, promising to be right back. I felt as if that very blow that fell Tessian had been aimed at me… and I reeled.

‘Was that really needed?’

I barely heard Zach as I glowered at Firavain.

‘What in the name of Mercy was that for!!’

‘Peace Meri.’

I glared at Zach.

‘Peace my foot!’

Selis returned then, Kal was kind enough to inform her that someone had finally hit Tessian… Zach chastised which was drawing frustration from me in light of what just happened. My heart was breaking. I felt as though the whole of the world was spinning away from me.

‘Now, now Meri that’s not like you.’

I had meant to offer a biting retort, but Kaden beat me to it.

‘Zacham -stow- your down-trodding.’

There was much talking over what to do with him. Jonas arrived. They wished me to stay, and I refused. It was finally decided that he would be taken to the Temple of Torm… As we walked, I made up my mind, prayed my prayers and tried to prepare for this. I hoped and prayed it wasn’t Tessian… or at least not his own will, because the rest were ready to beat him to an unpleasant pulp.

When we got to the temple, it had become a game of questions… a literal game. A question for a question. Firavain started, asking how we met.

‘She was sweetly sitting by the fire outside of town painting and knitting with a shy personality that I found somewhat endearing. From there, I asked her to breakfast, and later showed her a shiny rock. Satisfied?’

‘Perfectly.’

‘Excellent. Now, my turn?’

‘You may now ask me a question.’

‘Where did she go, Merielle?’

He looked right at me, glaring.

‘I don't even know what -she- is much less where she went!’

‘You're lying.’

‘I am not.’

‘Are too.’

‘Prove it.’

Firavain interrupted our argument, speaking patiently

‘Tessian... I said you could ask -me- a question…’

‘You never had a sibling until recently, so I promise that I will win this argument.’

‘What is that supposed to mean? what argument and what does that have to do with siblings? I don't know what she is, who she is or where she went.’

It was then that I realized what he meant about siblings. He had practice arguing… I did not.

‘On the contrary. You must have stolen her. After all, she was the only one left after you murdered me. Or, tried to, at least.’

I started to think my own mind was playing tricks. He couldn’t have just said that…

‘Murdered you?!’

‘Yes. Didn't think I would dare say it, did you? Didn't think I would survive, either, I bet.’

Jonas spoke then.

‘She has had no opportunity to do anything of the sort, Tessian. Meri has been with someone all the time.’

‘No, she hasn't, Sir Paladin. She was alone with me twice. Once in the hayfield, and another in the windmill.’

‘Since then, she has been with someone. She cannot have stolen anyone from you.’

‘Merielle remembers. Myself and my love in the corn field. You couldn't control yourself, could you? Jealousy is dangerous...growing, seething, but silent... Until it -bursts- over. You hit hard for a pacifist. And you curse colorfully for a saint.’

‘I did not strike you nor did I curse.’

‘Really? Why should you admit it, anyway? You're surrounded by people who trust you so implicitly. Your status and your prestige all center around people like them.’

Firavain interrupted stating he wished a question of Tessian. Tessian turned to him.

‘I'm all ears. Except for my legs, arms, eyes, nose, mouth, and other assorted body parts.’

‘Who is it that you are... at this moment, in love with?’

‘Me?’

‘Who is the woman you keep speaking about, the cornfield…’

‘M--’

There was no cornfield. There was no murder. There might be another thing… but it certainly wasn’t Meri. My mind … I was losing my mind. I couldn't let the madness continue.

‘Stop!’

This was getting no where… the others were getting angry. Not only that but I was tiring of lies and useless questions… The others were starting to believe that he was not seeing something separate but trying to separate aspects of me in his mind. Tessian looked at me and sang out in a mocking tone.

‘Jealous... She doesn't even want to hear about it.’

‘We were alone twice by the windmill and they hay? So how, by your own words, could I have struck you in the cornfield?’

‘It's a simple enough question... Ignore them Tessian... tell me her name…’

‘One moment, I have to "refresh" the lady's memory.’

‘No.. I think you should concentrate…’

But he ignored Firavain and regarded me contemptuously, his very expression mocking the pain in my eyes. Where were these lies coming from? Who was this woman of his?

‘After I left to "do the dishes" I actually left to do something quite different. Unfortunately, you followed me for whatever sneaky reason, and caught us both. Now, that being said... what do you want again, Firavain? Name?’

‘Her -name-!’

‘Merielle Williams.’

‘...I went straight to see Joan… After we left the hayfield...’

The confusion was evident no doubt.

‘And who is that.... standing over by the door... with the wood Elf?’

Firavain pointed at me, but Tessian responded to my barely heard remark first, then he answered Firavain in the same breath.

‘Half-truth. You did so afterward. "Saint" Merielle Williams.’

‘Ah.... and the two are different women?’

‘Oh, yes. Very much so. One is warm, passionate, and satisfying... The other is cold, distracted, prudish, and demanding.’

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Murder? Cornfields? It didn’t make sense. It had to be more of what was addling his mind. There was no other explanation. I ignored the painful words and the call of the others to draw to blows.

‘We were alone in the hayfield... there was no cornfield. After the windmill we were both dead by Bhaalist blades. How in the name of Mercy is what you are saying even possible? Murder?! Even if I could lie to each of these I could not lie to my god. My Halo is no parlor trick.’

‘And you survived... How?’

‘Do you -really- think that Saint Merielle is likely to really kill me? Try, maybe, in a burst of rage, but definitely not follow through. Especially after our tender hour in the hayfield that night. It would be against all her nature. Plus, a halo is hard to replicate, especially one that I know so intimately. After I awoke, I heard nothing from my lover again, to this day.’

‘If I am honest Tessian, I find the idea that she -could- attempt utterly in comprehensible... Which begs the question... What -did- try to kill you?’

That question was debated… Bhaal, a -third- Meri. Rambling and squabbling among the group but no clear answer… I could barely think at this point much less speak. He was talking circles, not making sense and what made some sort of sense was impossible or untrue. I found myself praying that it was a demon or something. That perhaps -now- was possessed where before he was only influenced. My thoughts spun wildly as the others went back and forth. When Firavain asked what happened to Tessian’s ‘lover’. Tessian’s answer about me killing or stealing her away… Something in me snapped.

‘So help me I said I would move the heavens for you Tessian Silene.’

If there was a demon, I would force her out. I would see the thing destroyed. There was anger yes, that this creature was destroying us both. I stood and summoned all the strength I possessed. Channeling is dangerous… uncontrolled, and in large amounts, driven by emotion? It can be fatal. I didn’t care. If I died for it, I would see him free of the thing that had him ensnared. Nothing else mattered. The others watched helplessly as I drew on all the energy I had… they watched horrified as even my halo began to drain, and then… me… I poured it all… All of it at him. Until there was nothing but darkness…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIRST ENTRY]
PART FIVE: THE WHIRLWIND

My head throbbed. I was dizzy. How was I standing? Why couldn’t I see? Where was all the light? Talking. Talking… Why is he still talking about... her? They’re fighting? I blinked. Everyone was talking at once. Yelling… it didn’t make sense. He was looking at me… he was talking.

‘I loved her like a sister, then more than that. ...but I had to choose...and she didn't like my choice.’

Siomir, who had been mostly silent… spoke next.

'And this gives you an excuse for your behavior?’

‘What's her excuse, then?’

He pointed at me… the hate was nearly enough to knock me off my feet. I swayed, dizzy and looked at him pleadingly.

‘She does not need one. She has not tormented you. You have tormented her.’

‘She has stolen...perhaps murdered my love!’

How could he think that… I would never hurt him… ever.

‘You... are bloody insane.’

‘No... You killed her Tessian.’

Firavain glared at him through clenched teeth as he spoke.

‘I have killed no one.’

‘Not with your hands but in your mind... you convinced yourself that the woman you loved was dead.’

‘She is not dead. She is right here, you just refuse to see her clearly.’

I couldn’t keep up… I blinked from face to face… pleadingly.

‘Simply turned your back.’

‘I don't know what made you snap... but I suspect Bhaal had a hand in it…Listen to me Tessian... what your feeling now is not real... that is denial...’

He used to understand the difference between us. He used to understand and accept my duty, my path. He had chosen to walk it with me. I spoke haltingly, barely above a whisper. Nearly lost in the din of the others.

'You did choose... you understood we were the same then, the Saint and the Woman. You understood the day you stepped from a bush in Amn, near your father‘s burning house... You understood the night before Billy was killed. You understood the Day Dianne was killed. You understood, and you chose. Through every trial… you understood and you chose. Tessian…?’

‘I don't know if she's dead! I only...only know that she's gone. She's not there when I sleep...or when I wake. She's not there at midnight or moonlight or even starlight. Not even in dreams.’

‘No, she is -here- you've not the courage to find her.’

‘I never left Tessian. I never will. I am gone because you left Tessian! Spouted some nonsense about the children and -left-!’

‘Not you. You monster!’

I recoiled as if I had been slapped hard. Had it not been for Jonas and Selis holding me up… I would have fallen. Siomir was getting angry. I prayed.

‘Jonas. Is it against the rules to bounce people off of walls in this temple? I'm getting -really- tired of listening to this…’

‘Monster. . . ?-shall- we speak of monsters? Is a monster one whom torments a woman who tries to love him? Or perhaps one whom strikes at the heart of a wounded woman reaching out for comfort?-You- sir are the monster, until you come full circle. . you'll never have the courage to love her. . or any other.’

Chaos… I blinked at the blurs of motion. All at once Siomir was up and had crossed the distance to Tessian.

‘I've already decided you are the monster. Kaden is quite right. I am giving you one chance. Only one. Do. Not. Torment. Her. Further!’

‘It’s not my choice… it’s the Saint’s. Tell her to give me ba--’

‘It IS -your- Choice!’

Even then, as much as he had wounded me… when he showed pain from being manhandled, I cringed. I couldn’t help it. The man before me, may have been the man I loved… but right now… he was a weapon of some faceless enemy… a very effective one. Siomir continued to thrash him against the book cases. Jonas moved to stop it. Firavain was trying to get Siomir to stop, Kaden was now helping Selis hold me up, I couldn’t tell what the others were doing… I felt like I was dying… I watched Tessian try to breath and speak… only to hear venom when he did… I prayed…

‘Realize there is absolutely no difference between the two. Or find some help for your broken mind…Because if you keep this up, I will end you.’

‘There -is- a difference. I know the embrace of her wings.'

'She does not deserve this.’

I had never seen Siomir angry like this… and I knew he wasn’t even as mad as he could be… I pushed through the daze I was in… made my voice heard.

'There is a difference, yes! Please! Stop! Please. One is a lie Tessian, and one is the woman who loves you. That is it. That is the only difference.’

Jonas put his hand on Siomir’s shoulder.

‘You aren't getting through to him, and only hurting Meri, my friend.’

‘You are absolutely right, Saint Merielle. One is a lie...and one is the woman who loves me.’

Siomir practically threw him across the room with a growl. I tried to twist from the hands keeping me upright. I was drowning… suffocating. I hurt in ways that should not be possible. I wanted it all to stop, and didn’t have the strength or the means to do anything about it.

‘This man has tried to shatter her mind. You weren't there... I was. You didn't see her…’

All I could do was cry… there was nothing else but tears and prayers, and both fell from me freely. Finally as the others argued and Tessian remained a crumpled mess on the floor… I screamed.

‘All of you! Stop it! Now! Enough! All… All I have is Tessian’s whether he takes it or not… That has never changed. It never will…’

They screamed back and forth at each other now. Tried to get me to leave. I wouldn’t… even if it killed me I would see this through. Jonas and Selis tried to reason with him gently, Kaden went to calm Rith, who was fit to be tied. I could hear others… but everything was falling into an incomprehensible roar.

‘Two things changed: you slowly became disinterested in me, and you stole my lover from me. And unless you will return her to me, then I have no reason to see you again.’

Mercy of Ilmater… I was going to lose him. Please. I remembered Jonas and Selis trying reason with him… and I was running out of rope.

‘I have always had duty, first to the children, and to the people now... to those that seek Mercy... I love you Tessian with everything I have to give. Your lover was some figment of dream or worse but she was not me the only time you ever touched me so endearingly it took all my resolve to stand by a promises that -we- made together. To wait until we were wed, and I swear, if it kills me… I will wait!’

‘What do you mean? You gave in.’

‘No Tessian.’

‘Ohhh yes you did. Don't act the holy woman here. You let your fantasies unwind!’

I slammed my locket of the children on the table. I had gripped it so that I broke the chain. What wouldn’t I give up for this man? And he insisted some demon thing with wings and a tail was truer to him that I was?!

‘ON MY -SOUL-, TESSIAN. IT WAS NOT ME! Lest it were, so help me, I will renounce my faith!’

‘Then do it and be done with it!’

‘It wasn’t ME! Or Ilmater would have already turned from me!’

Jonas looked at him in shock, and me, as he spoke, but only a partially formed sentence before Selis spoke up.

‘How can you even ask that of h--’

‘Would that make you happy, Tessian? 'Tis hard... when your love tells you that faith takes precedence over love. 'tis hard to know that despite your best efforts, you will always be second-rate in comparison to an entity you will never see and likely never experience in the same way.'

‘The same words you have used to describe Saint Merielle were used to describe me, Sir Rokranon, by the woman I love. Selis knows how you feel, Tessian. She wants Jonas back.’

Siomir, Rith and Kaden had left. Firavain went somewhere. I stood there, face to face with my -love- and praying. I don’t know what I expected. There had to be a way through. We talked and tried every tactic and possibility… then more lies surfaced… foul nonsense about his mother. This was worse than I thought… more screaming… oh I was losing my mind trying to help him find his…

One last desperate chance. According to the others… I nearly destroyed myself. I channeled beyond my own means. Just before I passed out, near death… I heard crying. I heard my own crying… the crying of the children… the crying of Ilmater… And as the inky black chilled my heart, the whole world fell away. The others would tell me later that it was for naught… that I had nearly killed myself for him, destroyed my soul for his sake, and it meant nothing… When I woke, I spoke desperately… and spent the rest of the night in a blur of tears and anguish so immeasurable it terrified me.

‘Tessian I never killed anyone.... gods... in all the mercies.... I love you ... I give you everything -all of it- that is mine to give... how can that not be enough? I would trade all the mercies... all of them for just one… For just you, as I loved you, as you loved me.’

‘I want -Her- back.’

‘She's right here. Take her back now. She needs you.’

‘…Her form like yours, elegant wings, and flitting tail.’

Jonas growled near rage.

‘I've never had wings and a tail ever but I have -always loved- you!’

‘If you want to perform on a stage, I can arrange it. If you love her, then by the Gods -claim her- and quit this... this... nonsense. She is -there-! Do you hear her tears? Do you see the anguish upon her pretty features?’

He shook his head at me and spoke with such deadpan finality… I think I died because I could remember little else for a long time.

‘You are not -her-. I will never forgive you for what you have done… Ever.’

I hadn’t done anything but love him… and for that I would crumble. For that I would fall. Not at Bhaalist blade, not at the hand of some evil, but the misguided hand of the man I loved.

‘Then tell her goodbye and be done with it!’

Selis demanded of him and I looked on horrified.

‘Goodbye Merielle. You will wither, you will fade, and you will die...alone, as you deserve.’

‘Tessian please! What more do you want? I can't give you my soul... gods I would if it were mine to give...Mercy of Ilmater forgive me... My thoughts! Would give you my thoughts! Prove to you my mind and heart have never strayed from yours, that my body waits, and my soul weeps for you as surely as I do now!’

Desperately I held up my most treasured possession… my journal and I waited for him to take it, burn in it… anything… He looked at it a moment and then his expression changed to one of total fear. He passed out. We could not wake him. No matter… he needed rest… we all did. I can’t say how long I wept. Selah waited with Firavain. They tended me though I was barely aware of it. The priests came and moved Tessian to a bed. I remember trading words with Zach… unpleasant ones, and somehow I held the Adamant. Joan had come and my sisters cared for me then. At some point I lost control of my stomach… but in the hours that passed, no matter what company I found myself in… Whatever was destroying him was destroying us both. My hope, the journal… the truth. I couldn’t lie… wouldn’t lie to him. I would push through the lies he held with that. With the truth. That was my hope.

Peripherally I know there was more to it. Firavain and Siomir made peace. Joan and Firavain made peace, Selis and Jonas went to find solace in each other, Selah went to tend what needed tending in my stead. Firavain sought solitude and safety… I feared to leave Tessian and to rest. I feared to lose him before I had a chance to redeem him. At last… I had a plan… I prayed it was enough.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIRST ENTRY]
PART SIX: THE TRUTH WILL SET US FREE

I watched over him… Everything else was a blur. I left long enough to run some errands for the temple. When I readied to head over to the temple of Torm again, there he stood, leaning on the lamp post. This time it was only Siomir and Rith, and a friend of theirs. The hour was late, but the street was quiet. I prayed. I had a plan. I just needed to stay calm. Sette and Uralia were there too, the group passed a flask and observed quietly enough… or if there was noise or action… it went unnoticed for a time.

‘Here to chat?’

‘More or less, yes.’

He leaned on the lamp post and regarded me coolly. I waited. I had all the time in the world.

‘Deja-vu...the sensation that you are doing something you have done before.’

Calmly I folded my hands behind me.

‘Maybe. I believe in second chances.’

‘It was very -kind- of you to let me stand outside for a while.’

‘I only meant for you to stay until you were well rested. Did you rest well?’

‘Oh yes...because I can't rest anywhere else, hm? I did.’

‘You passed out on in the chair. I didn't think it wise to move you.’

‘Yes...I think I remember that much.’

‘Speak as you will. I will answer what I can.’

I was patient with him. His words were sharp. He was trying to rattle me. I would not let it phase me.

‘I still want to know how you can be so callous to defy us both a chance at fullest happiness.’

‘And how have I denied us both?’

‘You stole my lover, and you will not simply let me move on so you can be alone with your longsuffering god.’

I winced but recovered quickly. Keep strong, do not waver now.

‘I have taken nothing from you. Your lover? Me, or looks like me? With wings and a tail? Think Tessian. The woman you fell in love with had neither. You are being cruelly tricked for both our suffering's sake.’

‘She is not you. I prefer her. Your kindness and charity is attractive, as are you...but you can't compare.’

‘Would you truly condemn yourself so?’

‘Condemn myself? You are so mistaken.’

We stood there staring at each other for a long moment. No sense in drawing out the inevitable. I would give him the truth. He feared it… because it would shatter the control of that which held him.

‘If you could see who you were... with my eyes, and look on what you are now Tessian... Your own heart would break. Maybe you should. We've time. I would very much like to meet this missing lover of yours. we can wait for her.’

I held out my journal. He regarded it like a cursed object, and fearfully so.

‘Afraid of the truth?’

‘I would like to see her ... at least one more time.’

My heart wrenched. I couldn’t falter now. I had to keep going. I begged and prayed as I spoke. How I stayed so calm I could not say.

‘What have you to lose Tessian? a lie? Look. Look at what you turn from for a temptress. Tell me where... in all my thoughts I ever turned from you even as you broke my heart. She is not here, so we will wait. You can read it and, I can contemplate my thoughts.’

‘You cannot change all your neglect and cruelties.’

‘Are they truly mine?’

‘I will not forget them, you -matron mother-.’

I cringed. To compare me to the cruelest thing I knew… it hurt. He was lashing out to hurt me. I steeled my heart and recovered, still holding out the journal to him. Still praying. I spoke calmly.

‘You can throw daggers at,me love... until the very foundations of Martyrdom crumble, and I will still wait patiently for you to see past the lie that clouds you. I will still seek to set you free. Look in here and tell me where my thoughts or heart abandoned you?’

‘I have no reason to believe anything you write or speak.’

And yet he took the journal. A step in the right direction. Keep walking. Walk right back to me, love. Please. Ilmater I know you stand with me… guide him back. Help me help him find his path. Don’t let me fail us now… The prayers and thoughts worked through my mind.

‘I have no reason to lie to you.’

‘You have many reasons to do so.’

‘I have never lied to you.’

He sneered cruelly, and it clenched my jaw.

‘I hope that your lying lips turn pale with sorrow as your life drains away in loneliness.’

He flitted through the pages, not really reading… but he kept talking.

‘Why do you make me stay here? Are you still so possessive, bitter...jealous?’

‘I ask you to stay, because I worry for you… Because I love you... because I care. I think somewhere within, you know why you stay. It is not my hand that keeps you, but your own heart.'

‘I stay because I will not leave until you relinquish -Her- to me, or tell me if you have killed her.’

‘You want to know what I think happened?’

‘Not especially…’

So why did I ask? Did it matter? I was going to tell him anyway… Polite thing to do I guess.

‘I think whatever came through that portal was twisted and cruel. I think it tempted and attempted to destroy you. I think it was happy that in turn that nearly destroyed me, and then she left you, her purpose done. Because, Tessian, the woman you fell in love with never had wings or a tail. You were quite content to wait for us to be wed before other things followed. You were content with faith and duty, and we loved each other anyway. Remember what your mother said? You spoke of it often enough…’

'Ithink that you're still being just as cold, prudish, and lacking in passion as you always were. I remember little of what my mother said. She was distant and cruel to me.'

‘Lies. Lies from your temptress. Your mother was strong and kind and good.’

‘You don't remember my childhood, you were not there. I was. I remember.’

‘Everything good you were was of your mother. Yes. You spoke of it often, I could have been there, you told it with such emotion… it could not be so false as you say.'

‘Also false!’

‘…How cruel your father was, how your mother endured him…How he was a wanton pig that you hated.’

‘That much is true. But my father did make sense in many ways.’

‘And your mother, she taught you well to seek and hold virtue and truth. The Tessian I know and love in his right mind would never give his bastard father more than a passing thought.’

‘The Tessian you knew and loved is a dream, and nothing more.’

‘No he wasn't. Read it. Read the journal! I could spend hours reading to you your own gentle words. The truth and kindness that you were, the light in shadows that you were. Simple things like apple pancakes and walks in the park, those were not dreams.’

‘I've seen some of those words. I never said or did such things. With the exception of several.’

‘Dreams do not stand at your side while you weep do not speak comforts when you feel there is little to see. The exception of which words Tessian? That you had the children killed? I can prove that, just on what I know, that what you think you know is falsehood.’

He closed the distance between us. I wanted so much just to hug him. Not the man before me but the man I loved that was hidden there within. He glared at me with such anger… it nearly toppled my composure

‘Why are you so dodgy and evasive? I -only- want to know what you did with Her.’

‘I've never seen her Tessian.’

‘You're lying to the wrong person.’

‘We could seek a divine truth ritual at the temple if you wish?’

‘Don't be ridiculous. I can't trust you in your own temple.’

‘Not my temple... your choice.’

‘I don't need a ritual for something I already know.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Fine! I can't begrudge that.’

‘Which temple?’

‘This one. I don't care to waste time and sanity walking with you.’

He pushed past me, the discarded journal stepped over without a thought. I collected it up calmly and walked to the temple. I prayed to Ilmater… I prayed to the whole of the Triad. Let him find the truth, let Mercy smile… help me save him… I ask this one Mercy.

Inside the temple he grumbled indignantly. He snapped at a very shocked Brother Marcus. I explained what was to be done. Brother Marcus seemed a little addled at the thought of a truth ritual for a Living Saint, but obliged. He prepared, and I went and changed. I took off all my enchanted trinkets, dropped my protections. I stood bare and open, as a woman, not as a saint… and prepared to answer his questions. Irrefutable truth, I offered this for the sake of an unyielding love. Rith and Siomir and Uralia watched on intrigued as it began, and Tessian would have his questions… and his answers. Rith was upset, Siomir was remaining impassive, the children slept blissfully unaware of us all. Things in place, he began.

‘What have you done with my Merielle, the winged one, you slippery wretch?’

‘I have never seen, or spoken to, or touched her.’

‘Why did you try to kill me?’

‘I never tried to kill you, never even raised my hand against you.’

‘I don't understand...how am I supposed to know that this is legitimate?’

‘You watched him cast the ritual.’

‘So how do I know it's the right one? Or if it works at all?’

‘We can visit the other temples if you wish… all of them?’

‘I...don't understand.’

Indeed he was starting to look as if what he thought he knew really wasn't as sturdy as he thought...

‘I have no protections now, no wards … I stand before you with no god or lie or guard to hide behind.’

‘Where is She?’

He began to look panicked. I felt so naked and alone under his eyes. No god to shield me, no protector. No divine energy. No means to dodge his words even in half truths.

‘I don't even know who she is love. I don't know where she is. All I know is whatever she has done to you is destroying us both. She -doesn't- love you. She is false. She has used you and discarded you.’

He paled, he was afraid… confused.

‘..I don't understand.’

‘She has tricked you, love.’

He wavered and fainted. I checked him over, and used the smelling salts to wake him. I kept close now to steady him. What followed was a long intense process of mending... I prayed it would be enough.

‘She lied to you.’

‘No...my memory is clear.’

‘Is it?’

I watched it break. The hold… the cruelty fled him, leaving in its place a broken and confused man. I mended what I could, shielded him from outside influence and that which would mean him harm… then I restored as much of his mind as was in my power to do so. He cried out in confusion and anguish as his mind tried to piece itself back together. I took his pain on myself… the burden to gladly bear. After all he had suffered enough.

Siomir and the others left. Slowly he stopped rambling about rearranged, cut and spliced memories. They turned to sobs. I held him for a long time. He cried and I cried… He thanked me for not leaving… as if he had to thank me for such! I whispered reassurances and comforts.

Selah stepped in, and I looked to her smiling. She didn’t say a word, she nodded and smiled, turning and going. She came back later with tea. It went untouched as Tessian and I spoke in whispers, there on the floor. Now the mending starts. To help him learn what was always truth, and recent lies. To assure him and keep him safe. I would have to keep him warded. At least until we find this entity that tormented him so.

He held to me as a drowning man clings to flotsam, and I did not mind. If he never let me go again I could be content. Frightening and terrible as it was, I could see the light again shining through the darkness. Mercy smiled on us again at last. We sat there for hours.

Finally, exhausted, but so happy I couldn’t stand it, I walked him to lay down. He asked me to stay and keep watch as I had in the past. I sat there in the chair, at his side for so long. I held his hand, and he gripped mine so tightly I could no longer feel my fingers. I didn’t care. He was there without hate or malice or barbed word. There was so much to do… but it could wait… the world could wait. For now, I would take this small mercy for myself, and ask forgiveness later.
~~

Selah had brought the roses back when I finally went to get some tea. I was shaky and sleepy, but there they stood, beautifully preserved. There was a note with them, and the enchanted parchment played a gentle melody.

‘May your love endure far longer than any tokens of adoration.’

I smiled. The roses once meant to spite me now lifted my spirits. I had so nearly given up… But I had not. My reward was a joy I could not measure. I balanced caring for the children and tending Tessian’s shattered mind over the next several days. The usual hustle and bustle of the temple… even the less pleasant moments, could not quell the joy that had found its way back into my heart. Nothing could. I had walked the shadowed paths and found the light… there is always hope. Always a measure of Mercy to be found.

Maybe in the morning… we can have pancakes! Mercy keep us all… and keep us well. Tomorrow, come what may, we will endure. I will endure with a glad heart, and hope’s dear light. I thank the Mercies great and small that I walk my path with such good friends at my side… and he that holds my heart… For that is the greatest Mercy I know.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SECOND ENTRY]

The days passed easily enough. The temple runs so smoothly, one would swear the donations are coordinated. We never have more than we can use in time, and yet we have yet to run out with things we need. The children work well in reading, and have improved their penmanship much. It will take some time for them to understand that they needn’t fight for crumbs. They are grudgingly understanding the need to work for things, the value of earning them, and it lightens my heart.

Another thing that lightens my heart. Tessian continues to slowly improve. More and more, his normal pleasant humor finds its way through. He is still rather skittish, but as his memory, and his confidence improve, I am sure we will regain his conversation skills. Perhaps he will even regain his adventurous spirit? It has been difficult to see him in such a state. Still at least… when he looks to me, I see the man I love, and I am most content that he loves me in turn.

Would that each day could pass as pleasantly… Even my dreams have been gentle of late. Of course, rest comes easier to the pleasantly exhausted. Pleasantly pleasant. Mercy smiles. Shadows fade in the wash of light and hope. My focus is once again on the path before me, and less the shadows that lurk behind.

I met Selah’s sister today. I understand what they mean about twins. One, the resemblance is absolutely astounding… Two, it fascinates me to watch them, the subtle mannerisms they each share. Selah’s sister, Aneva, definitely quells any wonder of Selah’s family history within the Amnish nobility… She is not as bad as some… Still, add in Selah’s whimsical mischievousness, and an air of superiority that would be hard to top, and she can be rather imposing.

And was actually. Sometimes her mocking manner grated on my nerves… and somehow I have been convinced that I need -more- help around the temple. We will see what is to come of it… Pray mercy this does not become some noblewoman’s game. I must try to not let the past color my view. One intriguing question… how can they be simultaneously so similar and so different? Perhaps that is the nature of duality found in twins?
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THIRD ENTRY]
DOORWAYS TO NIGHTMARES [PART ONE]

How grandly pleasant the day started. The sun was bright and clear. People were happy. It promised to be another grand day. Duty has been kind even. There was little to do at the temple, so I found myself walking… and later enjoying a ‘Door-warming party’ for Leo at the lighthouse. Tea and laughter, in grand company. Hours passed cheerily. I treasure it because it was the last truly clear moment… Because then… things got quiet… and quite… complicated.

It was quiet… so still… How many times had I sat there on the beach, listening to surf and gull… bothered by the occasional beetle, or angry wave? In that peaceful place… To sit and listen to the crickets hum and birds to sing? A quiet undercurrent of noise to the surf… And there was -nothing-.

As I stood puzzling it, a familiar and forgotten unease crept along my spine. Watching. The others were aware of it too. Ramas commented on the smell of lightning and brimstone… Why? The sky was clear… or was it? It was at first. I packed up the tea set, carefully setting each piece in its proper place. We were un-eased, but Candlekeep was close… and we remained unthreatened. The others prepared. Jonas, Aethor, Kaden, Joan, Leo, Ramas… We made our way to Candlekeep.

Yes… we made our way to Candlekeep… there was blood? No… No blood. We sat at the lighthouse drinking tea and talking pleasantly. It was calm. It was -quiet-. Falling? No, we drank tea. Something was wrong. It was too quiet. Where did the birds go? The animals? Wait Kaden and Aethor just got there? Weren’t they drinking tea? Déjà vu. We were being -watched-. Falling… But not falling… someone spilled tea. Wrong… Something was badly wrong.

‘We need to leave… Now!’

They felt it too… the urgent need to go… go where? To Candlekeep. It’s safe there. I dumped the contents of the teapot and cups out unceremoniously on the sand and shoved them in my pack. I couldn’t explain the gripping fear that bid me flee the place… but we had to hurry. Something was wrong. Laughter? They heard it too. It was dark. Dark? The moon was high, and there were storm clouds moving in. No… that wasn’t right… but it was… something was wrong. Had I been here before?

The Keep stood nearby. Ramas spoke first, then Kaden… I think…

‘She goes to the Keep.’

‘Agreed.’

‘You are A) not locking me up while there is trouble, B) alone is the last thing I want right now.’

‘You go. To the Keep.’

I glared at Ramas defiantly as he pointed at the keep. I shook my head. I didn’t want to be alone… watched, and alone? No. What was I afraid of? What were any of us worried about? Leo spoke my own question.

‘Wha- what is wrong anyway?’

‘You misunderstand. It was not a discussion, Merielle.’

It was dusk, we stood there arguing in the middle of the road… for no other apparent reason then a distinct lack of wildlife… It was midday? We didn’t stand there that long… the others noticed too. It was no longer evening… wait… what happened to the moon?

‘If you think I am leaving the lot of you to trouble...‘

‘I am not thinking. I am -telling-.’

Aethor spoke confidently.

‘Sister, please. We will be fine.’

I looked at Joan. Leo asked if I would not be safer in the group. I didn’t want to be alone. Something strange was afoot… Please… I prayed, not alone… I looked pleadingly at them. Ramas moved to secure our position… from what? What in the name of Mercy was going on? Joan shrugged and spoke.

‘I'll watch over her.’

‘I don't like to be by myself…’

‘This...are I am not sure I would leave you on your own either.’

Aethor didn’t sound so sure now. Kaden looked to the keep and nodded. Ramas gave up the argument and prepared. Aethor would guard me closely, as would Joan. Something felt off about everything… it seemed too real… and yet, false at the same time… I couldn’t think straight. I was … afraid, and for the life of me, I had no idea why.

Then all at once, I felt… safe. Well safer… it was calming… a gentle reassuring that things would work out somehow… though at the time I failed to understand it. Next thing I realized I was standing near the place where Bhaal’s murderous pet Balor was expelled. Joan and the others were passing around a book, mixes of emotions that I couldn’t understand on each face… Kaden and Ramas dug through the dirt. Kaden swore there was blood on the ground before… Blood… I don’t remember seeing blood… but … maybe there was? It seemed like there was… only, there wasn’t. No trace. Not a drop.

Kaden was sitting there crying… why was he crying? What were they looking for, and why couldn’t I see the book? Leo clung to my hand like it was a lifeline. Joan still puzzled over the book, Ramas was sifting through the dirt. Jonas? Aethor? Where did they go? The keep? I didn’t remember them leaving… did I? No… Maybe… -Why- was Kaden crying. He looked at Ramas.

‘It’s not. . . My emotions. . .’

Not his…? So why did he cry? There wasn’t time to figure it out. We weren’t safe. Something was wrong… Something was… We heard thunder. A low rumble at first, and then a sound to shake the earth, until the very soil cracked and something emerged from beneath. Not something… -Him-

Ramas and Kaden went flying, Leo jumped behind me, Joan and the others had weapons out as quick as you could blink. I froze. I knew this creature that towered before us. Aethor moved to stand between the monster and me. All at once Leo was trying to drag me back, Ramas was standing between the thing and me, the creature turned, so slowly and moved toward me… That was hate… it hated me… it would kill me… And then… it stopped. Its foul voice echoed from everywhere and no where at once… in our heads?

“Clever. Now let me out.”

We stood defiant. The circle was holding it. Yes… it was a circle… A summoning… but it couldn’t reach us. Then it danced through our minds again. Its tone was menacing, we were afraid. For an instant things moved slowly. I heard it speak… watched it vanish. The others prepared to fight at the same time. I couldn’t move.

“Then, I will break -in-.”

We looked for it, but it was gone. Something was… different. Something was so very wrong. Something changed but what? Joan was talking about the book, Kaden was asking if I knew the creature, I couldn’t focus.

[They are Coming]

No one said it… it was a thought. They who? What was going on?

‘This is wrong… We need to go.’

Kaden looked at me and bid me go, Joan was wanting to see about the book. We had to run. It wasn’t safe. Why were they not coming? Didn’t they know how dangerous it was?

‘Now!!’

I screamed at them.

[He Let Them -IN-]

All at once there were Bhaalists everywhere. We ran to the keep. The fighting at our heels, until our backs were against the gate. When the Bhaalists were defeated, I noticed Joan speaking with the guardsman, Fuller. But he was speaking in… Abyssal? This was wrong. Wrong and for some reason I knew Joan shouldn’t be where she was. I tried to move her away. To get them all away. They wouldn’t listen. The thing controlling Fuller spoke:

“Just Let Me Out”

Ramas tried to kill him, the others stopped him. There was more shouting… more fighting. More Bhaalists… it made no sense… things were not fitting together right. Leo was translating for the creature.

“Tell her to end it. Don’t you realize you will all die?”

It seemed they all spoke similar warnings and demands. As if the voice was moving from place to place. They were talking about keeping me safe. No where was safe. No where safe… no where was right. None of it made sense. I was babbling. It wasn’t safe… they all wanted to put me somewhere safe. Go after the demon… He wasn’t there… he let them in…

[They are Coming.]

We needed to run… it wasn’t safe. They who? Go where? Too many questions. Too many! Run, hide, survive.

[The Rain… Never stops… it Never will.]

‘We’ll Drown.’

They talked, thinking me out of my mind. I looked around the keep. It was so… cloistered… so small and closed in. It would fill with rain, and we would die.

‘It won't stop... and we'll drown.’

Ramas looked at Joan, expecting her to translate.

‘I don’t speak “Hysterical Woman”, Joan?’

‘Candlekeep isn't going to fill up.’

‘We'll drown... this is... we need to go. It’s too small here… we need to go. We need to Go Now.’

‘That doesn’t make any sense!’

The people began to act funny… Joan’s comfort about drainage systems died on her lips. Kaden asked me how to stop the rain, and then we were all speaking at once. One thought rang out above the others:

‘Some doors were not meant to be opened.’

I said that out loud? I must have… they all looked at me so hatefully, even the animals. I urged the others to leave… and then I realized: These were all memories. A bell. They heard it too, and they didn’t know. I knew… it was morning. Morning, just like that, from the dead of night. Keep the door shut. Do not show them the path. Keep them out! Wake UP! Thought tumbled as they asked questions and talked and yelled and I couldn’t make it make sense. The Bell… No. No!… No!! It couldn’t open. Don’t let it open.

[You know the Way]

‘...I know the way... We just go out the way we fell in... Read the map backwards …Close the door.’

They were even more confused… and the more I tried to explain it the more frustrated they got. I couldn’t, for the life of me, hold my thoughts.

‘Some Doors Were Not Meant To Be Opened.’

The bell again… no. Stop it. Think. I couldn’t… Joan was reading the book, and then she was gone… and one by one they were all gone until it was just the book and me. It beckoned to me, called out for me to read it. Firavain’s book! It was calming… the way out maybe? I picked up the book and began to read. That is when the darkness settled for a moment. I prayed. I heard a Bell again… Then I fell…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-THIRD ENTRY]
DOORWAYS TO NIGHTMARES [PART TWO]

We found ourselves standing in some place utterly terrible. We stood amid every painful moment, they all ran together. The moment I was in Dianne’s room after she was taken, When Billy died before our eyes in the Bhaal temple… played among agonizing scenes where the Matron sought her prize, along side Tessian’s cruel words that day by the windmill. Every moment that was painful, horrid and hurtful, all at once in some odd chorus of all that was bad in my days…

[-He- Is Here. -They- Are Here.]

We were attacked by more Bhaalists. As the others struggled to understand what was happening… I fought desperately to focus, to wake. It was almost unbearable. To see, to feel, to know and think each moment at the peak of what they were. I could barely breathe, barely think, I wanted to cry and scream all at once.

[Wake Up. You Know The Way.]

‘We cannot stay here.’

Ramas’ voice pushed through my thoughts. It came from so far away… they all did. Were they really here? Leo looked horrified, Joan looked confused. Kaden was speaking of choices and guilt, but his words made no sense. I couldn’t focus. Hurt. It all Hurt.

‘Where is -here- anyway.’

‘This place is pain.’

‘Then we pick a door.’

‘Not just any door. Not the wrong door. Nightmares… puzzles… riddles… thoughts. The servant is the map, the servant is the key. I know the way… do -Not- choose the wrong door. Let me think…’

I concentrated hard on our path -out- it was … difficult. Everything shook violently, like a landslide or an earthquake. The others were ready to go… I couldn’t find a path… every time I tried to focus on a way out, all I could think was: Wake Up Meri! Wake Up Please!

We stood in a room with a portal. Pain should not be given a stronghold, Kaden said. Joan was staring at the book. She swore it was her handwriting. When I looked on it... It was mine, over and over: “Come home come home come …’ The Temple!

‘Faith is strength. Hope is Light. I need to wake up. I have to.’

Ramas swore me mad… perhaps he is right. I felt mad. It was so hard to think, hard to move… like everything was happening slower… sinking and floating all at the same time. This place was pain… but I was afraid. We stepped through the portal after much debate and argument.

‘When we get back, you are seeing a mental health professional.’

I laughed coldly.

‘Blame the bastard Thayan. It’s his trick!’

‘You give things power, not -he-.’

‘His runes, his puzzles. His geas… my curse.’

‘I would -dearly- love to meet this Thayan.’

The bell rang. No. No meeting… you don’t want to meet him… the master is cruel. “Stupid Girl. Stupid foolish girl…” Stupid little Meri… Not so stupid anymore! Wake up! Meri wake up… and in the fashion of watching a dream… things continued. Words from the past ran into my own thoughts, ran along under the dreamscape. I tried to think of a way to wake… why couldn’t I wake up? Always I could wake up. Why couldn’t I wake up?!

‘He’s Dead... I think... I thought... Not so sure now.’

‘About this portal…?’

Joan looked at us, Leo spoke in turn.

‘Now to bring in some Leo spirit. Lets jump in there, or do you have a better idea?’

Ramas and Kaden and Leo stepped through.

‘Fortune Favors the Bold as they say.’

Then Joan. It wasn’t the way. It wasn’t the path. Two ways… to the door and out… out… Wake up. Don’t let them open the wrong door. Go with them… Stop them. The door stays shut. Shut. Shut. Through the portal I went…

We were standing where we started. At the lighthouse. They stood around me as though waking. It looked so real… so right. Stain on the door. Awake? The rain was falling heavily, the surf angrily beat at the beach… it was a biting cold storm. Cold? Why was I cold… I am never cold. The runes were disturbed, I heard the bells… they heard the bells. So why didn’t I have a headache? -Always- a headache. Something was still wrong. Everyone began speaking at once in the drenching, cold rain.

‘I gave none permission…’

‘The book is gone…’

‘Mental. Health. -Professional-.’

‘So it -was- shared.’

‘You don't understand…’

‘Funny you say that, I just had a dream where-…’

‘No Meri. . .I don't.’

I seemed to focus a bit, things were clearer, and I started to understand what had happened.

‘Its the runes.’

‘Next time I share a dream, I prefer it be Leonia's.’

‘Meri... Was that… in your head?’

‘I’m sorry…’

‘-Perhaps- but the weight you gave them has nothing to do with a Thayan. . .‘

‘It isn't meant for so many... Only the servant and the master. How did you all-- I mean… What-- This has nothing to do with guilt or blame. Merely my own thoughts used in a series of protective riddles. Makes it nearly impossible for others to… Then -How- were you all there?’

The world shimmered around us… it was as if some -thing- shook the whole of everything… a shockwave rippled through, even shifting the rain… or was it only the wind? I remember screaming… I doubled over… my head… it felt as if my skull was splitting… Something was very wrong… so very, very wrong. The others felt it shudder too. They looked confused.

[The Rain Will Never Stop.]

‘I ... will be... fine. I amnot sure we are done yet though…’

‘We aren't. What was the Thayan’s name?’

‘-He- wants in... we have to keep him out. His name... no… you don't say his name... he gets angry.'

I heard the bell… So did the others. Not awake… not out. Kaden continued to argue with me about his name. Its not so simple. No. Here … no I had to wake up. WAKE UP… please!

‘Yes Meri. . this nonsense needs to stop.’

‘No… the servants do not speak his name.’

‘I don't -care- if the Thayan gets angry!’

‘Say that when he pulls your skin from your bones and places it back to do so again knight!! I will not speak it!’

Kaden snorted at me. Yes. I feared him. I feared this place. They didn’t understand. Couldn’t. The door had to stay shut. It had to. None could find it. None…Thousands screamed out in pain, from all directions. It carried on the angry wind like one single voice, a chorus of pain so full of ill and ire that the worst of these would be pleased to hear it. Joan got angry. Leo started to cry, Ramas moved to comfort her, Kaden glared at the water as it churned and frothed against the shore.

‘FACE ME COWARD!’

‘Shhhh... be still. Don't give them your anger. I understand now.’

‘I shall, and my sword when they are near.’

A whisper… on the wind? In my head? In -our- heads. They all heard it. I could see it in their faces.

"I told you... we're all going to be in here for a long time... but I can... help"

‘WHAT IN ALL THE HELLS IS GOING ON HERE?!’

‘I wonder.. can you die in a dream?’

"Yes."

‘I might have to…’

Leo looked upset. Joan was so angry… Ramas looked frustrated. None of them understood. Kaden spoke.

‘I'm going to break the circle. If that beast arrives I'm going to kill it. Ramas. . care to join me?’

‘Ah, we are down to the direct approach. The shortest path between two points is kicking it in the ass.’

The pain subsided, the rain fell harder. I had to get them to understand. They were going to blunder around into something they shouldn’t more than they already had. Gods why couldn’t I wake up. Please just let me wake up.

'Do any of you realize what is going on? or should I explain before we end up lost?'

‘We're stuck in a dream?’

'I am all ears and swords.’

‘Meri we've been asking for that since this started. . .’

‘No we are not stuck in a dream. I am sorry… its hard to find words here… some things cannot be said… its dangerous here. We are not in a dream…We are in thoughts. Somehow we are not on the right path. It doesn't feel right… its the wrong way… Is it the wrong way because… no… it doesn’t make sense. I need to wake up.’

All at once Leo screamed. The moon looked wrong. The water was rushing from the shore… We remembered what Joan said about giant waves… We had to run… to Run. I needed to find the path. We were lost. So very lost. Something was wrong. We had to go. We had to Run. So we ran, frantically away from the shore. We wouldn’t be fast enough… Please… I don’t want to drown. Joan can’t swim. We need to be away…far away. We ran… and then we were at High Hedge. I didn’t remember running so far… we were just… there.

Joan held out the book. She wanted me to read it… it was my journal. That wasn’t possible. She told me to look closer. And then…it changed before my eyes. It -was- my journal but it wasn’t. First it was my words, and then it changed. Every line on every page… the same.

"You are trapped, I can help you, I knew this would happen, Xun."

I blinked in shock. It wasn’t possible… it had to be a trick… I had to wake up. I had to. The words changed again.

"You know how you must leave... get out, before the deluge comes..."

I had to wake up. I had to. How… last time I died… I had to die. There was no foe to break my concentration this time. I had to wake up. Wake up. Fast. There wasn’t time. I could die here and wake… could they? I had to wake up.

"He is here."

I looked at Ramas. He could do it. Or Joan. Joan would hesitate. I had to wake up. Leo was looking at Ramas as if he had gravely offended her. She -hated him-. She pushed him away and he looked at me as I spoke to him. He -ignored- with equal dispassion. What was happening? They were acting strange.

‘I know of only two ways out. Through the door that must not open… or… Kill me. Now. I have to die to wake up. I have to wake up.’

‘Merielle. I am not sure that is a good Idea.’

‘I have to wake up! I have to!!’

Then something changed in them. Kaden was trying to stop Ramas… Joan was all the sudden unduly protective of me… and thought Kaden would actually hurt me. She was vehement. Seething. Leo and Ramas were … distant to each other. Leo eyed him with disgust. Kaden was insisting there was a mind game. He thought I was being tricked. I wasn’t. I had to wake up. They weren’t going to do it… they were arguing. Turning on each other. No… I had to wake. We were running out of time. We were going to die. The rain fell in sheets, ice cold and stinging. My head was throbbing. It was so cold… I felt like the rain was trying to tear my skin away. I couldn’t think. I didn’t know what to do… I couldn’t find the path. I was lost.

Somewhere another chime rang. It was coldly … final. We had to get out… or we would have to pass through the next level. No… we couldn’t go further. The door had to stay shut. I watched them fighting each other and struggled to hold hope and faith. Struggled to focus… I had to think of a way out.

"I set them against each other, let me out, or watch them all destroy each other... Forever."

The demon mocked me with his laughter. He shouldn’t be here… he was trapped. He wanted out… or in… in? No. the door had to stay closed. We were going to die here… we were lost. I couldn’t find the path… They shouldn’t be here. It wasn’t meant for so many. How did we even get here? Mercy of Ilmater please… I don’t know what to do. The laugh scraped and grated.

I focused and prayed. I had to strengthen their minds. -He- had too much power when he held them… We were fighting against each other. It had to stop. I had to wake. I had to, and I couldn’t. I watched helplessly as it unfolded. I couldn’t do it. There was only two ways. Through the door or out. I was compelled to go through the door… I couldn’t wake up. I didn’t want the door open. It had to stay closed. I looked at them pleadingly. I tried desperately to explain. Someone had to kill me… I tried to explain why… they didn’t understand. We were going to die… and I could do nothing. The master would not let me… -He- would not let us… -They- were going to die. I had to wake up.

We watched in horror as a great darkness rose from the ocean. A large mass of darkness… a wave… towering and rushing from the shore toward us. There was no escaping it… forward or out. The door had to stay shut. The world seemed to freeze. In one terrible instant I saw the wizard’s face in the wave. He was angry. I would be punished. I let -him- in. I let them see the path. I was afraid. I begged for them to wake me… I prayed. I tried desperately to compel myself to strike myself… to take a dagger and stab my own heart… anything. I could do nothing. I stood there and I watched as the master looked down on me cruelly…

[He Is Here.]

The end… this was it… I had but seconds to wake… I saw it all in slow motion. We all did. A figure with bright blonde hair rose from nothingness and stood between Master and Servant. I watched him die… sliced in half and then he shattered and was absorbed by the cloud… just before the darkness was upon us… Everything went black. I felt the only comforting presence that had been with us through the dream fade to nothingness…

[Someone -Had T Die-.]

Suddenly we were all laying in the Ulcaster ruins. The rain was gone… we had been dragged here. A statue of Firavain stood on the place where the statue of Ulcaster should have stood. A Thayan dagger in his chest. No… He wasn’t dead was he? We stood around arguing. We were all confused. Were we awake? I couldn’t tell… no one could. I screamed… and Finally… one of them struck a blow. It began to rain… and suddenly… I realized… I had awakened… the same instant I watched Firavain die. It was too late… I heard them speaking through a distant tunnel. I am sorry, I thought as darkness swallowed me whole. I was wrong. Already awake… I just asked them to kill me… and we wren’t in the dream any more. It wasn’t a dream. It was the runes… how had the demon gotten there? He wanted out? -Out- said he would force his way -in- if I did not let him go. They mended my wounds… and we walked to Gullykin, intent on making our way to Doron Amar.
~~

I mulled my thoughts. I left them wrongly… Firavain should not have been able to… do what he did. Gods was he truly dead? Was I possessed? Was the Thayan gone? I felt him… Saw him… How did we end up in the rune-scape? No wonder the path was so wrong. Something was trying to force its way -out- instead of in. They were confused… I was still confused. Nothing made sense.

I spent a good deal of time trying to explain what was going on. I am not sure I managed it so well. The rain… I no longer feel the joy for it I once did. I was afraid. When I dozed off… or woke… it was hard to tell dream from reality… harder than normal. What had happened, or not happened? How could I ever know? As we compared stories… it was evident that something had happened… that the runes were involved… they were there, but no one truly understood. I feel like I am really losing my mind. I was afraid. I didn’t want to be alone.

The elves had their meeting, but I was barely aware of anything. My thoughts ran so many circles… I wrote, to try to make sense of it all, but even reading over it now it made no sense… dreams made no sense, thoughts… runes… My head hurt. The harder I tried to figure it out, the worse it got… so I just stopped… but my mind is still running in circles… Will it ever make sense? Faith is strength, Hope is light… I have many good friends. Mercy of Ilmater, that will be enough… I will endure. I must. I will go and try to explain this to them… Things are more complicated now than ever. The amulet must remain hidden until we are ready to destroy it. The door must stay shut until then. Nothing in… Nothing out… Shut.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FOURTH ENTRY]

The days have passed in a swirl of conversations and duties and nightmares. Every time I think I’ve an answer… I have only gained two more questions, at least. Firavain isn’t dead. Or at least he isn’t dead anymore. Somehow he did die by Thayan blade… and the statue was less statue and more turned to stone elf. Somehow he was there too… though not in the same sense as the others. The warnings? Maybe… but still… How? How is any of this possible?

Am I possessed? It would be difficult, but not impossible... Or at least keeping that which I saw at bay? ‘Let me Out’ it had said… and then when I refused compliance… ‘Then I will break -in-’. Is it the demon that triggered it all? I had held Emrys’ demon for so long… and then nothing… What if it was never gone? Why stay silent for so long? There have been more than enough opportunities for it to take advantage and seek my destruction and the destruction of so many others if that were the case… Firavain said something about a Devil? Which only further confuses things. Said the devil was trying to get to our bodies as we lay unconscious by the lighthouse. Well… to me. Told him -I- was dangerous. As if the words of such could actually be believed at face value.

It was this and much else that prompted him to take me to that sanctified place? When beset by so many foul things… any port in the storm so to speak. If that is the case then I will once again offer my respect to The Black Archer for allowing me sanctum on his sacred ground. And ask his forgiveness for blood spilt there… I was already awake… Why could I not tell? Why was there no blinding headache that should have followed?

Is the magic holding the runes in place faltering? If that is the case, how long can I keep safe the secret it guards? How long before the door is open and the way revealed? How long before I stand on the paths of fire and ice, bid to retrieve? If it gets that far… I pray we’ve the means to destroy it. If not… Mercy forgive me but I will do what I must to keep that amulet out of the hands of those who would use it for ill. Such a thing, cursed as it is, cannot be used for good. I would like to free the souls contained that they need not be doomed to the abyss before destroying it… May the door stay shut until I know it can be done, or until I know at least the foul thing can be destroyed.

I can’t sleep. When I sleep the nightmares are positively unbearable. No spell or trick, no meditation, no tea, no elixir… nothing allows me dreamless rest or respite from that which haunts my sleep. I am exhausted, and after resting feel like I’ve ran, breakneck pace the whole length of the coast thrice. I take solace in my prayers. My strength comes from my faith in these moments. I endure. Go until I can walk from sleep no longer, sleep for a short span of time, and wake drenched in sweat and scared to death of a door I am not ready to face.

Is it my lack of sleep or my troubled dreams? The fragile pieces of thought? Sometimes I see things that cannot be there, hear familiar voices long gone and dead to me. Other times… what is there seems more surreal than nightmare. It leaves me largely confused and distracted much. My only focus coming in prayer. It is Ilmater’s gentle hand that keeps me standing amid this waking dreamscape and tormented reality. May the Hand of Mercy be ever at my back…
~~

I have offered a mercy today. I pray he does not give me cause to regret such. Well it was more of a trade. Help him find what he seeks, and he will help me in the future. Call me foolish, or blame the wine. Or call me foolish for drinking the wine. There is no need for a curse to hold him in check though. So I agreed. Besides, where Thayans are concerned… especially necromancers… As he says… it is his specialty.

Despite his insistence that he is an emotionless husk, I do not think he has fallen past redeeming. If he didn’t care… well. I know better. It was reminiscent of something I thought lost. The whole time really… Silent and watchful. He still stood with that fatherly protectiveness. I wondered how he ever could have done as he has claimed. How he could have turned so? Did he actually? He had always been an ally… a friend, but perhaps even when he turned… he was never an enemy. He has changed yes, but much remains of who he was.

‘An old friend from Trademeet.’ Not a lie, the truth remains hidden but no falsehood left my lips. Some truths are better hidden, but I will not lie. Not that all will see the hidden truth as little better than a lie, but it serves this way better. A game of words it is, and I like the challenge of such that it presents. … From Trademeet. The last moment I wholeheartedly saw him as a dear friend. Some endure hardship and are strengthened by it… others … survive hardship and are hardened by it. The difference? One will remain a wizened and gentle heart… the other a bitter husk, jaded. Both have learned, and both continue on.

Still, he claims to be less than he is. I know better. I see what he tries to hide, what sneaks out from time to time as we talk. Mostly I talk and he listens, just like old times. And just like old times he lends a logic to my thoughts. Strange how paths can cross, separate, cross again… walk side by side a time only to turn heel and walk opposite directions a space… and then cross again… Fate? Maybe. I don’t believe in random chance. I cannot see the scheme of things from afar with an all encompassing eye, but what I see leaves little room for chance. Things are as they are… as needs must. All things are made clear in time… we need only the patience to wait, and the willingness to look for what is not readily apparent.

Mercy willing this wayward wanderer will find a kinder path. Perhaps once that which drove him away is dealt with… He will return to the path he once walked gladly, to those that call him family … that call him friend. For whatever reason he has been given another second chance… and I am not about to give up on him. I am too stubborn for that, and he has too much at stake. He’s more worth than he credits himself, besides… he is missed.
~~

Selah and Joan are shameless… and combined… trouble. Ah but it was grand in any rate. An impromptu party to keep sleep at bay. Selah and her magus tricks. It had its embarrassing moments. There was laughter, there was music and dancing, good food, maybe a bit much to drink, but it was fun anyway. Selah was still oddly quiet… but we had fun. Once we rested from our little adventure, and duties of the day were tended, I spent the night hidden in a pillow fort and sought to unravel Selah’s silence.

The conversation covered so much. It spanned the hours from dusk until dawn began to once again color the sky and tuck the stars away. The mystery is still hers to hold, but I think she felt better. She gave me an enchanted quill that not only needs no ink, but may color the page in whatever ink I wish it to. In turn I gave her the quill adorned with peacock feathers. Not nearly as nice as hers, but the sentimental value measures up I hope. It was the second thing that was ever my own. The first of which I will never part with, but the significance of the trinket will be a story for another time.

She is most troubled by some shadow she would not speak of. I did all I knew how… I offered light and hope. Our conversation was not all of shadow and darkness. We talked a great deal of the wedding, of fond old memories, moments of joy hidden away amid shadows. That is what makes memories so precious. When we are lost in the dark, we may look back on the light, and it helps us to seek the light ahead. Shadows pass… all things in time… even these we see now.

She asks my prayers. She already had them. Would that I could chase all ills from the faces of those around me. There are so many who have done so much for me… I feel undeserved of it. As though what meager bits I offer in turn pale by comparison. I have so many dear and loyal friends. So blessed am I even as the world falls into madness around me… when I falter, they are there to offer a steadying hand. I will for them as they have for me, so long as I am able. What is mine to give, is theirs to hold if they have need of it. Such is the way of Mercy, and I am glad for it.
~~

There was a fire at the theater. I’ve been taking food to those as they work, and drinks as they no doubt need it while they sift through ash and soiled memory. My heart weeps for the loss of what was, but rejoices for I know what will rise from the ashes will be grander.

Things run smoothly at the temple. Most of the children can read moderately well. Fights are nonexistent. They have a variety of things to keep busy. Chores, stories songs and other performances from those like Alison and Joan, Selah’s magic tricks. They march about as soldiers some times, read the books brought now that they can, and various other trade skills that people teach. People volunteer to come and teach them a great number of things from merchant skills to combat advice. They group up sometimes and we take them in shifts on outings. And for now, we make the most of our space in the temple. Things are kept neat and orderly.

Kal, the quiet Orc-blooded woman has offered to train the puppy. If it will save my blasted floors than I wish her luck. At least the pup is well received by both cats. And the trio of animals are quite good at entertaining the children when all else fails us. There is so much traffic in and out of the temple that it is dizzying at times. On top of the balanced dance of sorts that must be done to deal with such things we still tend the sick and wounded who find their way to us. It is grand to see Mercy work in such a way. The generosity of people never ceases to utterly astound me.

Still we are seeking a more permanent home for the children, through apprenticeships or as squires, even through adoptions. I would continue forward with the orphanage avenue, but I am unsure how to continue, and my time is stretched as thin as my sanity of late. Because on top of everything else… Brother Dracius and Lady Iliara should be back this day or the next. There is a wedding in my very near future. And how I look forward to such a thing with the giddy excitement of any young bride to be! It will be grand, I just know it. May Mercy smile on the days.
~~

It took gentle and watchful company… and some tea… well lots of tea. And not sleeping for nearly four days, and several mind protecting spells… Finally I slept. May Mercy smile on Rith and Siomir for the respite offered. The nightmares were merciless, and the confusion on waking was great, but I slept. I pray this continues to get easier. I am able to take several small naps now, which has given me a greater hold on my thoughts.

There have been no other odd occurrences, but there are many unanswered questions and something lurking that I fear will make itself apparent in due time. By all that is Mercy I pray we are ready for what is to come. I pray -I- am ready for what is to come. I see the storm clouds looming on the horizon, and the tempest gives me cause to worry… Mercy of Ilmater… lend me your strength and I will not fail in this. I will stand, and those who would stand against Mercy shall fall away.

Blessed am I that so many willing hearts stand with me. I pray that I do not draw them into such a web that they cannot escape. Mercy to them all… by faith there is strength, in hope there is light. We will endure… In the end there is only Mercy.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[tucked into the journal is some pressed magnolias, daisies and roses and other flowers that are found about the temple. Also there are several pages on wedding plan notes, dress patterns and such as well as a sketch of how she wishes her hair to look and a sketch of the dress]

//
A recolored photo of a dress similar to one I made for Easter one year. Gives you an idea of style. There is navy blue ribbon in place of the 'belt'. Instead of covered in sequins and beads it has embroidered blue roses ever so often [about 3-4 inches apart]. The roses are done in shades of blue that compliment, and the sleeves, collar, hem and lace pannel [where it ties in the back] are done in a navy blue lace. Just so you darlings have an idea of what you are looking at.

The hair style is identical except Meri will use white magnolias. Stole it from a wedding hair styles book. The bride will be carrying roses that 'match her hair color' as requested by the groom
//

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIFTH ENTRY]

Things go smoothly. I am so excited! I was afraid we wouldn’t get to this point, but the wedding it tomorrow and there are no problems. Siomir and the others have promised to make short work of troublemakers. I hope that won’t be needed. I spent much of the day cleaning, organizing, planning for every perceivable problem and short fall, got things situated about the temple and such. Brother Dracius and Lady Iliara may be as excited as I am, if not more so. I’ve had so much help I am running out of things to do… I think I shall go wander and choose flowers. A few different types and some ivy to make garland out of? That ought to keep me pleasantly busy…
~~

I couldn’t decide which flowers I liked best, so I chose all of them… the temple smells like a garden. It is wonderful. I made enough garland for them to place about wherever and however they choose. I received a pretty package today. I am almost afraid to open it. I remember what happened last time I opened a package… Still I am curious. Perhaps I could at least open the envelope… Blast my curiosity!

[A note is tucked into the pages here. It is written in a shaky hand, but legible.]

Take this gift as a token for all that you have done for the city of Baldur’s Gate and surrounding regions Saint Meri. We hope you have a wonderful wedding as love is such a wonderful thing to celebrate. This was originally intended for my first born daughter, yet she passed before the day she wedded. I haven’t much longer to live and I wont bear another child of my own. This is my life savings and it would do me great honor for you to wear the veil and accept this gift of appreciation.

*Signed*
Pesent Aluvy

I suppose I could open it and look…
~~

Such a lovely veil. The fabric is fine, and the tiara holding it is rather lovely. A very thoughtful gift. It matches the dress well… dare I say perfectly! Oh this is going to be so grand! I had nothing to worry about in the package. No skulls, no terrible tricks or other such cruel things. Just a veil to wear for the wedding and a dress to wear later...

[The handwriting changes slightly.]

It will be the wedding of our dreams… my dreams… dreams. Wishes? Magic. Hmmm… I think all this excitement without rest is getting to me. I feel a little… lightheaded. I feel like I am forgetting something important. I feel… odd. Must just be nerves. Everything and everyone is ready. We have nothing to worry about…
~~

Well a nap remedied much. I spent the rest of the day cooking and trying to stay busy. I can’t sit still… We are getting married! Can you believe it? I can’t. Never would I have dared to hope for such a thing. This is going to be wonderful! I can hardly wait for tomorrow. Much to do! Much to do indeed.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SIXTH ENTRY]

I remember a dream… An old woman, barely alive, barely living weeping over a grave. I remember seeing her place the veil in a box, weeping for the daughter she would never see wed. She met a stranger, a mage? No a priest. He told her he could give her what she wanted. The wedding of her dreams. She should write a letter… send a gift… They gathered things together, incanted some sort of magic. I heard the word wish as the woman seemed to fall dead. The priest laughed cruelly and wrapped the lovely veil. He took the letter and sealed it away. He sent them off…

The veil… the one I wore… I tried it on and felt dizzy, out of sorts. Like I was dreaming. The wedding of her dreams, my wedding… her dream? Her wedding… my dream? It makes no sense. Somehow I can’t shake the feeling that it was more than some sort of dream. Aluvy was there. He had tricked her. She was angry. She even felt bad. My wedding… her dream… her wish. The wedding of our dreams… She hadn’t meant for it to happen. They weren’t words… just thoughts… feelings… maybe even memories. I am not even sure what it was. Perhaps it is my imagination being tricky again? Stress? Nerves? Or something more sinister? Who was the priest…?
~~

I am so nervous and excited I can’t stand it! Mercy of all Mercies… today is the day! Once again the woman shall change, grow, become something different. The path that was is behind… and I’ve so much to look forward to! So far the worst trouble is I lost my shoes. I was going to clean some more… but I some how lost the broom -and- the mop. I’ve nearly didn’t finish the quilt for Tessian and I. My hands have been so shaky lately. Meribirds. I think he will like it. I chose the softest fabrics and made it extra thick. Shades of blue and silver. Oh I hope he likes it. Of course he will… don’t be silly Meri. He loves you.

An old friend came to visit today. Of course I barely talked. Rushing flowers here and there, still looking for shoes… broom and mop… something to do. Its so close to time. A couple more hours. I should start getting ready. Where is Selah and Joan? Ugh! I have such a headache. Calm. Epitome of clam. Yes. Yes. Right. Not working… definitely easier said than done. At least, I know he will be there for the wedding, even if unseen. It is only fitting. There would be no romance at all between Tessian and I if he hadn’t put his foot down. I take a measure of comfort that he will be there, for various reasons… maybe most of all because it means the friend I knew is not so far lost…

Oh! Selah is here… Its time to get ready for the wedding. Me… A WEDDING! Not as an officiate or guest but as a bride… that is … wow… Wedding of our dreams…
~~

There isn’t much more time but this beats pacing… which I will likely do anyway. Found my shoes… on the blasted table the whole time. Joan put some makeup on my face, Rith fussed with my hair enough to get the flowers to stay. Selah fixed my nails, they look lovely… the length will take some getting used to. I feel like some sort of princess. I am not sure if it’s the fact I can’t sleep, the light fabric, the fact that I am too nervous to eat since breakfast before dawn or what, but I feel like I am floating. I hear Brother Dracius.

This will be the last time I write as such:

~Merielle Williams~
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-SEVENTH ENTRY]

I can hardly find the words. To say that Mercy has smiled on me… I think this day my lord looked to me and smiled until the heavens themselves cracked and wept with sheer joy. Everything went so well, I can scarce believe it. It was like some sort of dream. In the back of my mind I kept praying for nothing to go wrong… and in some small way I almost expected it. I was so nervous. At least there was no need to worry over my safety. There was a number of the Radiant Heart guarding as well as several of the Fist’s best officers. No it seemed today my worst worry would be bursting into tears… or Tessian fainting… He looked a bit dizzy. I was glad I had given Joan some smelling salts.

Selah and Joan handled much of the technical things, Mercy to them for that. Jonas was able to escape from court, thankfully. I think Tessian actually spoke to him of standing at his side moments before I entered the sanctum. Even in spite of that, it went well. Mostly a blur of emotion and prayers really, but it went well. The temple was spotless, everything was ready. All I had to do was step through that door and take my place next to the man I loved so.

They all smiled so when I entered. Most of them had hardly ever seen me out of my temple robes. With the exception of that brief time for the last break I had taken, and the bluebird costume-gown I had worn for the masquerade… never in such finery. Indeed it felt odd to me. Nothing though, had nearly the effect as the way Tessian looked at me. He stood there before Brother Marcus, next to Jonas, who looked outright shocked… and he smiled. Not his normal lighthearted smile… something different and impossible to put into words. There were too many emotions to that one moment, and I could do was thank all that was Mercy that I had the rest of my days to unravel the mystery of it.

I didn’t realize until Dracius continued to urge me down the aisle that I had stopped… and as he murmured for me to breath… Tessian smiled at me and the whole world stopped, my heart with it. I had all the days between now and Martyrdom… all of them… I wish I could remember it better, but it was such a whirl of thought and prayer and emotion…

Brother Marcus spoke, and the whole time I prayed… Don’t let me cry before I’ve said my vows… don’t let me pass out… and so many prayers of gratitude. Of all the mercies great or small, that I had ever asked, this He was content to grant me, and I would have traded every other mercy in all the world for just this one… for Just his love, and been content for all my days.

"Friends, Baldurians, and kinsfolk...hearken to my words. We come to marry these youths, and to praise them. The love that we give lives after us. It lives until it is interred with our bones. So let it be with these two. Gentle Ilmater has told you that love is ambitious. Otherwise, it is a grievous fault, and grievously come the consequences. Here, under leave of Ilmater, for Ilmater is a loving god... ...come I to speak at this wedding. Ilmater blesses them, faithful, and just to them. Ilmater says that love is ambitious. ...and Ilmater is a loving god. He has brought many pairs to happiness...whose love did the general welfare aid. Does this not seem ambitious? When the poor hath cried, Ilmater hath wept. When the weak hath stood, Ilmater hath lent them strength. When there is suffering, Ilmater hath suffered for them, with them. Ambition is truly made of sterner stuff. You all shall see that in this wedding, as they promise their vows...their vows are ambitious. I speak not to belittle what these two can do. But here I am to speak what I do know: They both love each other, and not without cause. And that love will one day make one mourn for the other. But in our sacrifices, we are above brutish beasts. We are men, with morals and reason. For even when our hearts are in a coffin with another... ...we will not pause to regret it. Let us then wed these two, lawfully and with blessing."

Tessian and I smiled at each other. He held my hand so tightly I feared it would break, but I didn’t even care. We were there, in that moment and that was all that mattered. It seemed to take ages for me to draw each breath and I listened as Brother Marcus bid him repeat after he, the vows we would make… of all the tears that fell, none were as joyous as my own… and of all the voices that might have been, I heard only Tessian’s:

'Let me be your shelter.
Let me be your light.
Say you need me with you Now and always
I'm here, With you, Beside you,
To guard you and to guide you.
Say you'll share with me One love, One lifetime.
Let me lead you From your solitude.
Share each day with me, Each night, Each morning.
Say you'll love me.
That's all I ask of you.'

I could barely breath, I wanted to cry and laugh at the same time, to scream at the top of my lungs so that even those in the highest planes of existence could not question how happy I was. Somehow, Brother Marcus’ voice registered in my mind, and some how, I managed to speak my vows too.

'Say you love me.
Every waking moment.
Say you need me with you Now and always.
Always beside me
To hold me and to hide me.
Say you'll share with me One love One lifetime.
Lead me, Save me From my solitude.
Promise me That all you say is true.
Say you'll love me.
That's all I ask of you.'

I managed not to drop the ring and place it on his finger. I was shaking so bad, I don’t know how. It was so hard to focus. It was some beautiful blur of so much… Tessian wrapped our wrists with a gentle hand that shook as much as my own. And we beamed at each other happily.

"Let none sunder what mercy hath put together.
I proclaim you to be Mister and Missus Silene.
You may kiss the bride."

He lifted my veil and we kissed. Kissed. That seems like such a small word for… goodness. It was the first of many. I am still not sure if the roaring in my ears was something triggered by the lack of breathing for the expanse of the kiss, the crowd cheering for us, or the heavens themselves rumbling with the ferocity of it. I am glad he had a hold of me… surely I would have fallen otherwise. We slipped away from the others for a few moments, and chatted quietly. But it was only for a few moments before we were drawn to our guests in the dinning hall.

Of all the foods I made for the day, my crowning achievement: A stack of pancakes to make the most avid breakfast enthusiast proud. It was fitting after all, I had married the most avid breakfast enthusiast… Held together with whipped cream, strawberries and some mildly bitter chocolate in crowning fancy. It was simple and artful. I was most proud. Even more proud at the look on Tessian’s face. Especially thrilled that everyone enjoyed it… and ecstatic it elicited a frustrated groan from Joan. It was marvelous!

The Overlord of Pancakes and his now wife, the Mistress of All things Breakfast, sat down to pancakes and tea, mint and chamomile. It was wonderful… A fact only further enhanced as Jonas joined in the festive joviality. For a time the Knights of the Radiant Heart, under command of Sir Jonas Rokranon, my darling brother, and best-best man, in an epic quest to prepare and serve bacon befitting such an event. The humor of the moment was equally befitting.

We were all in glad company, and things went so well. There were smiles and kindnesses from so many directions that it was difficult to keep up with all of it. Jonas gave a rousing Toast, but I was so tired by then that I fear he may have to repeat his words for my sake, and I will write them properly then. Firavain and Siomir decided to drink the half of the ale that no one else was… by themselves… and were quickly enough in over their heads. I worry about Firavain… never seen him drink that way. However the Sisters are capable in my absence, and Siomir was keeping him grand company. Not that I would be allowed worries now anyway. Jonas too, but for now my happiness -is- their happiness, and I will not leave them wanting.

As guests finally went their separate ways, we were teased out of the temple by Selah and Joan’s mischief. There was no song or dancing… perhaps we can make up for that later. Tessian and I both were too long without sleep, and after the day’s grandeur, more than ready for some quiet. So we went to see the magus at Sorcerous Sundries. After a bit of jovial chat, and exchange of IOUs and some other things I couldn’t quite follow, we stepped through a portal to a quiet place indeed.

I shall have to ask him when he had time to set it all up, but the little hide away was well provisioned, and still as tidy as the day I had obsessively cleaned it on our ‘outing’ so long ago that drove Jonas to the brink of madness. Indeed we were supplied with all we would have need of or want for. Including a bed. It was then that a thought which hadn’t yet crossed my mind became blatantly apparent. Well nearly then… I moved to the bed and sat on the end of it to tug off my shoes. My finger brushed across the thick bit of scar tissue from where my ankles had been poorly bound on more than one unfortunate occasion. There would be no hiding behind modest and practical robes. There would be no more half explained and carefully worded truths about the past. And there should not be. My past was now as much a part of his life as my future was… That logic did very little to ease my mind.

‘It feels very odd...being married to someone with your status, and importance.’

I looked to him as he spoke and smiled wryly shaking my head.

‘I can't stop thinking how much I don't deserve you, and you are worried about my stature. What a pair we make.’

I stood with a chuckle and offered a kiss on the cheek, only to be granted a kiss that mirrored the first on the alter. Aside from a confusing gambit of thoughts that are difficult to put to words… I was worried. Would he turn as others had?

‘Adolina said that I'm a rogue, you know.’

‘A rogue?’

I grinned at his mustache, and my thoughts wandered to Iliara’s many lectures on roguish sorts with mustaches… and inevitably wandered to a kiss as I listened to him speak.

'I've taken to stealing. Adolina says I'm the worst sort. I started with cakes...and apples. Now I'm stealing Sisters.’

I laughed and looked at the ring on my finger and to the ring on his.

‘Can you truly steal what is given? Roguish mustache or not?’

‘I suppose not. I'll have to tell her that her logic is off. Come on...let's at least lie down. I'm exhausted.’

‘Well I don’t think anyone slept for the last couple of days.’

He took of his tie, and we talked of chocking by way of such, of corsets, and our conversation ambled on gracefully as we laughed and talked a while. He lay crossways on the bed, and I sat at the end of it, wiggling my now bare feet. I gave him the quilt, which he was grandly pleased with. There was talk of Meribirds too, and more laughter. Our conversation touched on that first moment when I had been dubbed a Meribird, on his mother, on Iliara and Dracius, it just sort of flitted from one place to another, not really landing in any particular place.

I had eased back some and tucked my feet within the skirt of my dress, and sat running my hand along the stitches of the quilt absently. He had moved closer, and had draped his arm comfortably over my stomach. Then the conversation took a slightly more serious tone. Iliara had talked with Tessian, telling him only that I had been “very hurt” in the past. He had made inferences on what he already knew and was able to piece much together. He was kind in is questioning, his words were gentle.

I expected him to turn away in disgust as much of the distant truth was made known, and instead I found myself comfortably held, protective. He fussed with stray tendrils of curl that had not remained in the bun that I hastily put up after the wedding, so my hair would not get in the way of food, and we continued to speak. He asked how I had withstood so, and it was something I knew not exactly how to answer… after all this time, I had only ever done as needs must. The why of it was because I should, the how of it, was attributed to faith or something equally greater or important than I.

‘It was always little kindnesses. that light in the dark. I think I just found that little bit of hope and learned to stretch it farther.’

‘Think about the things you've survived...enough to kill or break a score of women. Everything you've gone through has been some experience of pain to the next, but you always became consecutively happier and more peaceful, like everything made sense when you felt it didn't. There's no reason why any of that should have happened. And now...you're here. You're glowy, and everything you do seems to work out well in the end. With no truly "better" past to look back on...you have no desire but to look forward.’

‘It does make all the mercies mean more. Makes this mean more.’

I held up our entwined hands, kissed his finger just above the ring and smiled. Never in all my days was there so much to look forward to. And yet… I worried for him. For his safety. For us. I snuggled closer to him. To say I could put into words the depth of what I felt, would be a presumption the grandest of bards could not make.

‘I can't put to words how nice it feels to be where I am right now. It feels safe... and comfortable.’

‘You're safe. No one will find you. Your fears are far behind you.’

Another kiss, but this time I could not suppress a giggle. His mustache tickled and we laughed a bit about Iliara and the others.

‘Our first kiss did not disappoint. Think we made half the temple blush.’

‘I hope so. That'll teach them for thinking you're too holy to be much fun.’

There was laughter and then we were both quiet for a time. I wondered if he marveled at all of this as I did. So much joy and hope. I wondered at the silence, of his thoughts, and finally found the courage to speak my own.

‘I never ever thought I would mean enough to someone to marry…’

‘You never thought enough of yourself, then.’

‘Most men, in my experience want pretty wives to give them pretty children. I have trouble seeing myself as the first, and wonder at my ability to be able to grant the second.’

‘I think your past probably hurt you in that way, Meri. You felt broken or damaged.’

‘Sometimes... its still difficult to think of myself as ... well... as a person I guess.’

‘You're most certainly a person to me. Broken? No. Restored.’

He traced is finger across the scar on the right side of my face. Were it any other, I might have winced, pulled away. He however, is not any other… he is my husband. My gentle, kind, funny, smart, husband, and I truly could spend pages listing his virtues, but I won’t.

‘You are such a precious mercy. More precious than can be measured. I hope you know that.’

‘You do keep saying it.’

‘And I will say so every day of the rest of my days, and mean it twice as much.’

‘I think I'll like that.’

It is no wonder so many things fall to ruin over a simple kiss… though at this point it is safe to say there is nothing simple about it… or ever will be. Something that is both fascinating and terrifying all in the same breath. He regarded my nerves with patience and kindness.

‘... I wouldn't dare mock or jest about your scars either, Meri.’

‘I know you wouldn't Tessian. You are incapable of cruelty, and I love you for it. I don't fear mockery from you, or cruelty of any sort, but... I do not want you to suffer for my sufferings. Does that make any sense?'

‘I understand. You want me to avoid being hurt because of your enemies. I'm afraid that's not possible anymore, love. They can't hurt you without hurting me...and vice versa.’

He tugged lose a hairpin and I snuggled closer. I spoke with a ferocity and emotion I didn’t expect, and he listened. He remained comforting, supportive, and when he spoke, he was gentle.

'You are so very precious to me… I'll not let them harm you not without doing all I can and then some to prevent it! I am scared to pieces that I might fail you… that my best might not be enough…’

‘I think you'll excel, Meri.’

I remembered what he said about the difference between thinking something was true, and saying it was true. If you think it is true you believe it with all you are, saying you only say so whether you believe or not. I drew strength from his faith this time. There is always strength in faith.

‘…you deserve to be safe…’

Instead of carrying the topic further into unsettling territory, he tugged out the second hair pin, leaving only the flowers holding my unruly mess of curls at bay. We of course debated the awfulness of my hair, which he deems worthy of poetry. We also talked about flowers. In a fit of nervousness, I grasped the subject desperately for a bit of time. I talked about every flower and plant and herb I could think of. Of course after some time… maybe an hour or two… my rambling horticulture dialogue was cut short by a rather poignant kiss. Once I recovered the ability to breathe, and think half way coherently, I spoke again.

‘You shall spoil me.’

‘You won't let me, and you know it.’

‘Yes, but it shall not stop you from trying.’

‘No, it won't. Someone has to. I'm the best candidate for spoiling Meri.’

At that point… well, thought was not as simple as it could have been, and concentration was nil. I was tired, the last few days… tendays… months… months… had been utterly overwhelming… and well… I could not have been more scattered without the added distraction of the man so very close to me.

‘…maybe so, love … maybe so. Well... maybe not so much maybe…’

‘Definitely so.'

‘…hmm... yes. And maybe I don't mind the spoiling so much.’

‘I know that.’

I had never been so content… so happy beyond all measure in all my days together. I felt safe. I was loved. There was not but the future to look to, and I was glad of it. A grateful prayer to the smiling face of Mercy. I swear my heart floated…

‘I think we deserve our own little box of happiness.’

‘Maybe I do deserve a bit, and Mercy knows you do.’

‘A bit? You need a crate at least.’

‘See…? Spoiling. You've snared a Meribird, and intend to spoil her.’

‘Endlessly. Passionately.’

‘That actually sounds… rather nice…’

‘It will be. No use resisting. Let the dream descend. A good dream. You don't have enough of those.’

‘I am looking at one, and not so sure it's a dream anymore.’

‘Dream or reality, we'll make a good night of it.‘

He whispered and kissed me again:

There are some things that cannot be forgotten. There are some things you cannot put into words. There are some things that if you were to put them into words, would ruin them… These things do happen… and this was all these and more…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-EIGHTH ENTRY]

What a grand and quiet day. We woke, pleasantly exhausted, to the morning sun. A novelty of sorts, something I have never done before… We marveled at the fact that there was no -need- to get out of bed. So we didn’t. We hid beneath the quilt and chattered until our stomachs demanded the breakfast we had denied them.

It is a wonder the way he looks at me. His eyes… They speak where words will not. The path is before us and rife with choices and splendor, come what will, we walk together… But his eyes… They captivate my thoughts. His ensnared little Meribird. There is a depth and kindness there I never noticed before. To look at me as though I am the only creature seen, and leave me wondering when all the world had fallen away… To be so loved, and seen as none had ever looked to me before is mind boggling to say the least. Then there are those moments when one single, brief look leaves me with goose bumps… Yes, his eyes fascinate me so… And I’ve a lifetime to see their every facet.

Pancakes… not the flat biscuits I make, but pancakes worthy of royalty! A recipe, that I have requested through out our relationship, now graces my own cook book. A first in family traditions, his legacy to breakfast. Now that I know his grand trick to marvelous breakfast, never again are we doomed to flat biscuits! Now when I fix -his- breakfast, I won’t feel as if he has been cheated out of a good meal by my inability to make comparable pancakes… not that he has ever complained. I am not sure he ever would either…

After breakfast we took a walk on the beach. It is a good thing breakfast is good for any time of day… since by now it was late afternoon. Our conversation turned serious for a bit, we talked of children… and the difficulty I may have in bearing them… In truth I hope my own fears are unfounded, as I have never tried… at least I hope so. We would both very much like at least one child of our own some day… All things in time. With patience, perhaps Mercy will smile on such a thing…

‘I'm very, very afraid, Meri.’

‘Why?’

I looked to him worriedly and offered a comforting smile.

‘Oh...just a bit nervous about the future. I don't want the kind of things that have happened before to happen again.’

I hugged him close as we sat on a rock and watched the sun set.

'Hope and faith, love. There is always hope, and faith gives us strength. We will work through it as we always have, one step at a time, doing our best. Things always work out. Always.'

‘I suppose they always have... Not always...pleasantly. But they always have.’

‘As they should be. Know that I will stand, love, at your side in darkness and in light. Blessing or bane.’

‘But will I? I'm not you.’

‘If needs must I will hold you up. My strength is yours if ever you need it. All I have is yours, you needn't even ask.’

He murmured and held me close, and I sought to comfort is nervous thoughts.

‘I think you are stronger than you give yourself credit for... you have come this far after all.’

‘...I guess I have.’

‘I did not marry you for some predisposed image of what everyone thinks should be dear. I married you because you are true and kind, and I love you.’

‘Then that's what I'll be.’

‘That is all I ask of you, love.’

‘True...that's all you did ask. I'll be more than you asked, then, if I can.’

‘Be what and who you are, what makes you happy, and love me... I could want for little, if nothing else.’

‘How about pancakes?’

‘Hmmm pancakes... I can ask for pancakes?’

I smiled as the sun made ready to sink into the ocean before us. Together… we sought the light, and how endearing his humor was to me. This man, my most precious mercy… could hold my heart in his smile, and I would not question it.

‘Always, love.’

‘Well in that case, as many mornings as I can get away with… Maybe twice on holidays?’

‘Acceptable.’

With a nod and a grin, we burst into laughter. We would build a grand sand castle before the tides came and washed it away. Fort Meribird… A castle befitting of the most noble of bluebirds, who could fortunately fly away as the moat overfilled and threatened to wash away the walls. We fled the tides and continued to watch the night sky and chatted a while longer of the future. There was so much future to look to, it amazed me… so very much stood before us, and despite the storm clouds, I saw so much joy. I knew in my heart, come what will… we would endure… together. When the waves threatened us, we would spread our wings and seek higher ground.

‘We shall have to seek balance of course, between this and duty. Shouldn't be too difficult I think.'

‘Balance is overrated, like sleep.’

There was that look again… the reason sleep had been so overrated… If this was how I would hide from nightmares for the rest of my life… may I remain pleasantly exhausted… My thoughts down that gentle path were interrupted by his lighthearted chuckle. Could he even begin to know... just how dear he was? How precious... if I told him every second and then some... it would hardly be enough.

‘I'm only joking. That's a good idea.’

‘I just don't want you to think you are unimportant to me when my duties resume. I suppose though... now that I am not trying to shelter my heart from romance by hiding behind duty, that it will be easier… … I am glad it doesn't upset you, and that you are patient about it. Everything. The past, the present, the future… for all the shadows, and uncertainties… even the hesitations.’

‘I shan't be upset about who you are. I married -you-, after all.’

‘Yes you did, though I hardly deserve you.’

‘No...I think you do. Your pain alone has counted enough for that.’

I started to speak, to work up familiar arguments, but I already knew his answers… already knew there was no dissuading him. We sat there in the quiet arms of one another. The breeze pushed cool, salty air at us, and I felt my arguments melting away even before he kissed my shoulder. I shivered… but it wasn’t the cold.

‘It's starting to get too cold. Let's go back inside. You're warm, but it's you versus the wind.’

I could tell by his smile that it was hardly the cold drawing us from Selune’s gaze… I smiled in turn and let him lead me away. I was beyond content… truly happy for the first time in all my days. Loved in a way I could never put to measure. I have been many things, many paths I have walked… blessing or bane, for good or ill, each step had lead me to this place… Blessed was I, beyond my own dearest hopes, and the most precious of mercies stood at my side whispering mercies of an entirely different sort…
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONEHUNDRED AND SEVENTY-NINETH ENTRY]

I made breakfast and filled the little cottage with flowers. The morning was full of light, and it had nothing to do with the sun, for it was gray and overcast so close to the coast.. There was a wedding to go to. Poor Tessian was so tired he couldn’t see straight. So I opted to let him rest, and make my way to the wedding. I suppose I should sleep more now, if only out of respect for his need for sleep. I will admit, he does make the idea of resting much more agreeable. A more pleasant means of avoiding sleep, and if I do fall into dreams… they are not all bad. When they are… the waking world offers comfort now in his arms, and I treasure it. It is still difficult find sleep… but at least now there is some measure of mercy to it.

I found a short cut back to the city, and made grand time to the wedding. By the time I arrived at the Tower, the sun was shining. Having spent considerable time with my pleasant musings on the way there, I was in finer spirits than when I had left… if such a thing were even possible. Things were just as grand as the guests milled about and chatted. We made our way to the main hall, and readied for the procession. I politely focused, dimming the halo so as not to outshine the bride.

A slow dread crept along my spine then. It demanded my attention. I granted it only the attention of my prayers as I tried to remain attentive to the ceremony. I heard the others speaking… heard my own responses… and yet I did not. The foreboding refused to abate, and I found my mind host to all manner of worries… For me, for Tessian… both of which were alone, for the wedding guest… for any and all I knew. I knew not where my worry need lay, if at all, and my mind sought to combat the irrational fear that had taken foot. The bride would be walking down the aisle soon, and I prayed.

An old evil, ancient and familiar had once again looked my way. I felt it stir… felt its gaze on my own, and for the briefest of seconds felt my resolve shudder. My smile frozen in place as the wedding parties took their places, outwardly I might have appeared a bit tired… and no doubt they would blame it on a pleasant exhaustion that often finds newly weds in those early days. Inwardly, -He- looked to me, and he would not turn his gaze from me now that he had seen a moment of hesitation.

My prayers were urgent. The cold hate of the thing beat against my mind. He demanded and I fought to hold ground. I should not have come… I would not ruin the moment of joy for them… nor would I allow that beast… that monstrosity of perpetual hatred, to do so. I strengthened my resolve. My stubborn nature sought a foothold and I prayed. How I prayed. All at once… it went silent and still, without and within. The bride entered behind her bride’s maids and made her way down the aisle… calm…

The bride’s maids scattered flower petals ahead of her. Everyone smiled brightly. My prayers came to a close, and focus on the present events started to return to me. I smiled. All at once I was sinking… falling at frightening pace. I felt the world tunnel around me as I sank… the roar in my ears drew to a deafening volume. I was desperately seeking some sort of foothold, to maintain consciousness… I couldn’t have cried out if I had to. The wedding. I wasn’t going to let it ruin the wedding! I struggled against the dreamscape that was threatening to take over, clawing and scratching to remain in the waking moment.

-He- was there… angry and full of hate. He pushed his way to my thoughts… burning a path through my mind. He was a caged wild thing… furious for its state. His defiant roar, the blazing inferno he promised me, a back drop to what little consciousness I maintained. I felt him settle into subconscious thought. Take root there in the back of my mind. Long had I kept him at bay, and I would not surrender ground now. As my mind was assaulted with a showing of his most terrible moments, a thousand lifetimes of atrocity and terror that he wrought. The agony he inflicted. All in that one terrible instant I bore all he had to offer. -He- was all that was hate and cruelty. It was as if I was watching his every horrid moment… and living it… suffering it in that instant.

I willed myself to stand. I heard the priest granting his opening speech for the bride and groom… I clung to that… I pulled myself from the sinkhole of thought and nightmare. Pushed away from his hatred. Finally, I stood solidly. No longer on oblivion’s brink, I finished my prayers. Strengthened mind and heart and watched the bride and groom exchange vows.

How beautiful and precious love was. It should not be turned from. Hate and anger will destroy all it touches if it is allowed to. -He- has shown me that. Here, at my second wedding in four days… I saw the power of what love could accomplish, and it was grand. They exchanged rings and beamed at each other. I wondered if it was that same joy that had radiated from Tessian and I? It was a splendid thing to behold. Husband and wife… and they kissed. It is truly a marvel to see such strength of heart.

My head throbbed as I wished them each well. I would have liked to remain for the reception, and the bride was disappointed to see me go… but I dared not risk staying and subjecting everyone to a second assault. I witnessed the tossing of the flowers, and then made my well wishes to the guests and turned to leave. Part of me wanted to run as fast as I could back to Tessian… to seek comfort there… and part of me feared drawing into the nightmare that may yet come.

Aethor must have sensed something amiss… perhaps because he was present at the start of the last walk through the rune-scape? I reassured him and made my way quickly south… I think. To be honest I am unsure how exactly I returned to the cottage. Whatever is going on with that demon, and with my own mind… has left me frazzled… I swear I don’t remember walking all that way… and I am almost positive it had to do with a giant cat… and it wanted some sort of food that must have been from Kara-Tur or something… and it had to do with cheese. Right… Maybe I am losing my mind…

Either way I returned safely, and by then the headache had subsided to a dull ache. Tessian has known me well and long enough to know it was more than a headache… Reluctantly I told him everything. It upset him, and I hated myself for all the trouble I had yet to cause him… Once again I wondered if it was fair of me to love him so… to grasp this moment of joy at his expense. He of course countered that it was HE who had taken it on… He asked me to let him stand with me, for me, as he may.

‘I will let you stand... if needs must hold you up... don't ask me to allow you to suffer. If I may keep you from it I will.’

‘Don't forget. Now we're one. We suffer together. As one.’

‘I have... long borne my own weights gladly... it seems in this... that I am asked to pass some of that off on you, and as much as I love you I wish to keep you from pain... not hand it to you.’

‘Just as we laugh together, sleep together, and live together. Together, Meri.’

‘ "Love me, let me love you in turn -but- take with that love all my pains and duties and sufferings and bear them with me, without complaint until you can no longer stand it...?" It seems so unfair to ask it. I have no right to ask that of you, Tessian.’

‘But you didn't ask… I did. In the gazebo...on bended knee. And I am happy with that.’

My most dear, most precious of mercies… He held me close, willing to take on all the world for my sake… and I prayed. It angered him, how he wanted for me to find a moment of solace. I did, with this man who I loved so very much. Mercy smiled. For no nightmare fell upon us. This time… and for now… that was enough.
~~

[LeslieMS]

[ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTIETH ENTRY]

'One does not appreciate the light until one understands the darkness.'

So I have been taught in my time with the Ilmatari. A lesson I swore I understood. I treasured each small thing. I thought the pinnacle of my happiness was in the man who sleeps next to me now... But now I understand it is more than that. Happiness is watching the darkness bear fruit. Every step since I woke on the side of the road, has lead me onward, down a shadowed path... the moments of joy and light were precious and fleeting... Lately the shadows had been cloying. I have seen the darkness give way to such brilliant light. I truly understand now. From that first memory, to the Bhaalists, To the attack on Jonas, to the fire on the docks... and every shadow in between... lead to this exact moment of light. A dream generously given form by those most dear, and those whose endearment I was unaware of... A place for the children... and dare I say it ... a home for me. For us. A place for Mercy to smile.

I get ahead of myself. It started where the previous day ended. A thousand small mercies to soothe a troubled heart. I slept for several hours and woke a few hours before dawn. The day’s worries had faded to a dull and distant throb at the back of my skull. After some tea, I felt proper again. I looked at the sketches I had drawn during our little escape, and could not help but smile. He sleeps so peacefully these last couple of days. I wonder if I too appeared to dream easier? I felt better rested than I had in months, even given that I wasn’t sleeping -more- perhaps… just better.

I felt the urge to do something I had not done in a long time. I wanted to paint. Not add color to a picture as I had in the past… not make a piece to give to someone just to see them smile… no. I wanted to set brush to canvas… and let the colors take form and -create- in color… that joy that I could not contain within. Trouble was, my paints were all at the temple… two days travel away. The wizard wasn’t too far away. Tessian did say if we got in a pinch, he would have ways for us to travel if there was need. A bit of a run would do me good anyway. I was being blessedly spoiled to too much nothingness. So I dressed and left a note, promising a swift return.

I visited the magus, and made sure I was prepared. Not a bad sort for a wizard really. I wish I could remember his name. He enchanted a stone to allow me swiftest travel to the city, and just as swift a return, and off I went. Travel as such is a bit unsettling… but less risky than traveling alone, at night, without the hand of the divine upon me. As such, there were no ill effects, and I arrived near the city gate.

I made my way through the city to the temple. It was quiet. No one would be awake for an hour or two. I was not greeted by Tabbi or Cloud… and assumed they were sleeping with the children. It was oddly quiet, and I was a bit unnerved. There was a lot of food stores missing from the kitchen… I made my way back to find Addy and the others only to scream shrilly finding the temple devoid of children. This of course woke Addy and Brother Marcus… Sister Rachel came running. The children were gone and my things were gone and all they could do was tell me to calm down.

‘Calm down?! Where in the name of Mercy are the children?’

‘Shhh child.’

Brother Marcus spoke comfortingly, and Rachel just smiled.

‘Where is Juna?’

Addy spoke now, and Brother Marcus was sending Rachel to get me some tea.

‘She is with the children. Safe. In a place of laughter.’

‘What is that supposed to mean?’

I am sure the horror on my face was evident as Sister Rachel handed me some Tea.

‘We weren’t expecting you back already. What are you doing here?’

‘What am I doing here? I came to get my paints.’

‘Oh… well your things aren’t here Sister.’

I gave Brother Marcus a confused look and they all stood there smiling like something grand had happened, and I was so frazzled and worried.

‘What do you mean my things -aren’t here-. I live here.’

‘Well it was to be a surprise… but since you are here. Well, can’t hurt to tell you a bit. Though that brother-knight of yours will be upset we spoiled the surprise.’

‘What does Jonas have to do with this?’

I gave them a skeptical look, my worry being replaced by avid curiosity. The tea calmed me some… which brought order to my thoughts. Sister Adolina looked at me and grinned saying I should go see. When I asked what I was to see and where, she merely smiled and told me:

‘Just go to where the laughter is… it will make sense then.’

I was given vague directions to a place in the farmlands at the edge of the city, near the road going north. A boy named Michael, one of the older ones that had stayed at the temple to study under Brother Marcus, was given a bit of breakfast and happily lead me from the temple. So … rather confused, and now a little more than a bit curious I made my way back out to the city, my -escort- grinning ear from ear.

‘You’re gonna love this ‘un Sissy Meri. They outdid ‘emselfs missus.’

I corrected his grammar and he complied still grinning and lead me on, indeed he practically dragged me. We came to the edge of the farms. A decent sized house sprawled before us. Fires obviously going to keep the chill out, let gentle puffs of smoke into the night breeze. This was the place Jonas had been building… his new home. A fact that only added to my confusion.

‘Wait here missus Sister Meri.’

The youth grinned toothily at me and ducked inside. I heard some laughter… by now it was just barely dawn. After several moments he poked his head back out the door and took me by the hand leading me in. The first sight that greeted my eyes was a large chalkboard in what seemed to be a small alcove for teaching. On it, with the Es all backwards was a simple greeting.

“Welcome Home Sissy Meri!”

It was full of smiley faces and small signatures of sorts… a few pictures. The boy let go of my hand, and went to help Juna in and a pair of older children in the kitchen. I was left to stare at the entrance. I looked around wide eyed, taking it all in. My books on shelves, neatly ordered. Shelf upon shelf of children’s books… A whole stack of slates for learning. Herbs hung from the rafters to dry, there were flower pots all over the place full of herbs, not a bit of space was wasted… not a bit out of order.

Juna looked back and smiled, holding a finger to her lips for me to be quiet and pointing to a room to my left. I peeked in to see rows of bunk beds lining the walls, a fire burning at the far end of the room, and keeping it most comfortable… they lay on the beds, the pelts over the mattresses, all of them sleeping. A few empty cribs, neatly made, and for now housing stuffed animals and dolls. The children’s arms and armor sets from Ramas and Kaden neatly lined an area labled by a brightly drawn sign: ArMORY. There were small tables and chairs for drawing, and two large chests filled with finely crafted toys. Each child had their precious teddy bears tucked in next to them. The beds of the older children, neatly made. I looked back at the half dozen or so who were busy with chores.

Tabbi lounged in a chair near the children’s room. Juna continued to smile as I walked about in a bemused and altogether pleasant silence. I took a walk through the dinning area, able to accommodate children and adults alike, and handle a large crowd at that. The kitchen… Dear Mercy of Ilmater… the kitchen itself was a palace, fully stocked and with everything one could ever want for. There was a stair way, and the space beneath had been efficiently made into a proper, and rather full, pantry. Juna just grinned.

‘Like your kitchen, deary?’

‘M-my kitchen?’

‘Yes yours. Your orphanage after all.’

‘Mine?’

I shook my head in shock and she just laughed, going back to her work preparing breakfast for the children. I had forgotten that I left the door open until a familiar voice called through it.

‘No one else is supposed to be he-- Oh. Hello Meri.’

He grinned at me, and I looked at him in absolute confusion. He did however look very surprised to even see me.

‘Did I stumble onto something, dear brother?’

‘Yes you did.’

‘Shall I leave and return surprised later? I am sure the shock won’t have worn off by then. I thought this was to be your home?’

‘This house was never meant for me, Duke Silvershield had me buy it for an orphanage. My stronghold will be built nearby, for protection.’

Well that only added to my confusion and surprise, and I stared, mouth agape, at Jonas. Eventually I sputtered a few incoherent phrases, and Jonas just grinned, fully enjoying my stunned demeanor.

‘Did you see your room?’

‘My… what?’

He grinned and took me by the hand, guiding me up the flight of stairs, bidding me follow. I stepped into a room, by far a grand bit of space. A table and chairs, with a lovely tea service sat in the corner by the door. A rather large and comfortable looking bed dominated much of the room, a bookshelf full of my books on gardens and plants, the Elven poetry, the remainder of the shelf was lined with paints of every type and hue, brushes stood on a small table. A simple wardrobe contained much of my things, a chest of drawers. Juna had apparently seen to it that mine and Tessian’s effects were moved from the temple and put away in proper order. My things were here… and then some… Tessian’s things were here… To say I was stunned was an understatement of the most gracious form. It took a moment or two for Jonas’ words to register.

‘Small, I guess. Sorry about that. We only had so much to work with.’

‘sm-- you can't be serious Jonas?’

‘Well, moderate.’

I looked at him, my face the epitome of the word ‘shock’ and shook my head. My voice little more than a stunned squeak.

‘This…this is more than I-- This can't be for me…?’

‘Well, wouldn't you want to live here? I ah. . .well I assumed. . . You and Tessian . . .’

He coughed and turned a bit red in the face, a faint frown. I realized what he had meant and spoke quickly… in half formed, rambling sentences.

‘No. No, no... its just, its wonderful, and answers Tessian’s question… about where… I am just... Gods Jonas I have never in my life had... so much…’

I gestured around, my eyes falling on the easel and the stack of canvases and other such amenities.

‘I told you, Meri. The Dukes care about you. This is what Duke Silvershield bade me do that night at Doron Amar.’

‘I have no idea what to say...‘

‘You don't have to say anything, my sister. You are loved, respected. Needed. This was your dream, right? A place for the children?’

‘This surpasses any dream I ever dared… Was I to see this yet? The others were surprised I was about… I came to the temple to get paint and…’

My ramblings were interrupted by his cheerful laughter and he shook his head.

‘No. But it's quite alright. It's yours to run, after all. I suppose the Dukes and I spent a little much. But you're a Rokranon, more or less. It's what we do.’

He grinned at me a bit, and all I could do was shake my head. I felt like… well there aren’t words.

'I am a humble healer… a servant of Mercy… this… I don’t deserve… oh my. I... goodness… A place for the children...'

I blinked at him, near tears. Whether I felt I deserved it or not… it was done. My dream to see the children safe, with a place to teach and care for them properly… Close to the temple, It was a dream… far better than any dream I ever dared to hold… and it was before me. Tessian and I had a literal palace full of children to live in… Not a palace by palace’s standards… but to a woman who hardly kept anything to her own… it was immeasurable. He gave me a hug, still grinning, and spoke.

‘The name is simple. Mercy. The Mercy Orphanage.’

‘I don't deserve all of this... dearest mercies…’

‘Children. . .have so much potential. They deserve a better chance at life. And who better to give them that chance?’

‘Mercy in second chances…’

‘Exactly. And as his servant, it'll be up to you to guide them.’

There was more conversation as my senses slowly returned to me. I found myself in a state of uncontainable joy. I couldn’t wait to tell Tessian. We talked a bit longer, and then I left… without paints. Ended up coming back for paint. When I returned to Tessian he was writing… no doubt, from the look on his face, about yesterday’s unpleasantness. I couldn’t contain my cheer. I let him write, humming a few gentle tunes and painting. I find myself uncontainable in my joy, but allowed him to finish writing his thoughts… Memories are precious. I wouldn’t dare impede a promise given to his mother. How proud she would be of this man he had become. This gentle heart, that possesses strength he is unaware of.

I danced about the cottage, trolling him along through a waltz as I told him there was a grand surprise waiting for him. He wishes it to remain a surprise until the end of my Plea, our honeymoon… which I will respect, though the waiting may undo me yet! We shall have a picnic on the beach, and I shall paint. Mercy of all the Mercies is that… for the first time in all my days… every ill troubles me not… I am happy… I am blessed beyond measure. If every step I took was to this moment here… then I am glad for it. Even the shadowed paths where the walking was difficult. A measure of joy… May it be my light, now and for always… I lack only one hope yet to be fulfilled… perhaps… Yes perhaps some day I shall see that Mercy granted me as well. For now I am beyond contentment… I owe many thanks for the mercies that are mine.

He is waking from his nap… if I don’t put up my writing and get ready for our picnic we won’t make it out the door. He has that look… By all that is Mercy… there are no words for the gratitude in my heart. Of all the world seeks to take from me, Mercy holds me, and keeps me well… guides me to this place. Perhaps it is not wrong to take a measure of Mercy for myself. I’ve six days left of my plea. I mean to make good on them. At least this time I have taken a real plea. I will return to my duty whole and renewed. But for now… For now, we dance!

~~