The confused mind of Aearion Caunwaithon

[Steal Your Face]

Silence Becomes Me

I was travelling north along the Tradeway whey I saw them -- her on one side of the road, Kaden, Rith'alaria and others the opposite. I was too far away to hear anything but guessed it was a continuation of that farcical insult-fest at the Candlekeep Inn.

That one started innocently enough and ended up disasterously, for me more than anyone. Alison threw an ill-conceived barb at Devabariel and Kaden verbally lashed out at her. I tried to calm him and softly explain to Alison but she cut me off with a quick, "Be quiet, I need to hear this." So I let Kaden rant a bit but as things never quieted I entered the fray on her side. I managed to anger all my friends by insulting Deva and Kaden both, to the point where the only one present who's spoken to me since is Leonia who wasted no time in calling me an idiot.

Later Alison and I went north and things seemed normal, her actually trying out various humorous pet names and me responding in kind. As the night wore on, however, she seemed to grow more distant and disturbed. The next morning we had The Argument. It seems that alienating all my friends and insulting people wasn't enough for her. She berated me for not defending her, made it quite clear I wasn't what she expected or wanted and that she needed "time alone" to "rethink her priorities." I may be a confused fool most of the time but I'm pretty sure I know what that means.

Even with my pace slowed, I was coming on them fast and needed to make a decision. My first thought was that in the days since our falling out she hasn't bothered to see me, ask about me, or send any indication she's even thinking of me and I didn't want to risk another humiliating, awkward argument. If she were to greet me, then I'd warmly return it. I closed the distance watching for Alison's reaction, something, anything. I received... nothing. And nothing hurts as much as being ignored.

I continued on to the Gate in silence. That's only fitting, I've talked far to much recently to no avail.

[Steal Your Face]

Apology Not Accepted

We met, we talked, we fought, I lost. That's about how long it took. Kaden kept up his prickly, paladin skin and refused to hear what I said. He was honorable, we prepared, then he threw The Hand at me. I should have expected it but I didn't and The Hand had me.

The Hand held me, there was little I could do. I managed a weaker version of my own but it only slowed him, if even that. It really wasn't much of a fight. "Yield," he demanded several times but I wouldn't. All I wanted was for him to accept an apology but that wasn't going to happen.

It's strange that I'm not even sure I know why I did it. It's even stranger that I think he did.

[Steal Your Face]

Puppets

It was perhaps the hundredth time I read the letter. It just didn't seem right. The apology and meager explanation for her words removed the bitterness of our last conversation but the argument wasn't whether I had done nothing wrong. It wasn't like Alison to skirt the core issue.

As a distraction, more than anything else, I unpacked the marionettes, putting two aside and unwrapping the other pair. I carefully set them in a corner of the tent in a familiar pose, him in half-recline and her curled up under his arm. As I stared at them the subconscious doubt blossomed and I snatched up the parchment for yet another look.

The words might be hers... but where is the style? The chaotic script, the superfluous looping capital letters, the playful teases? They're all missing. The flirtatious "come chase me" part, a hallmark of our relationship? Missing.

Something clicked then... Devabariel's dark warning as he stalked out of the Inn, her sudden turn toward dark and ominous songs, Kaden's mention of "correction", and whatever might have happened during those days before she ignored me on the Tradeway. It's even possible that could have been for my benefit, if she felt that threatened. With my last glance at the letter, I finally noted she signed it with her name.

This is all wrong. She didn't write this. Who did, and why?

[Steal Your Face]

The Jest is on Me, too.

For once, I'm not confused and it seems everyone else is. I know what her message was and why she picked perhaps the most inopportune time and poster child with which to deliver it. And that makes me unique as nobody else gets it.

Rith'alaria, of course, has been the worst. She's used this to nitpick and dredge up every little perceived slight toward her or her coterie. And, of course, the princess' court has followed suit. Were I not the target, I'd be amused how people I've never met are so ready to judge and smite me for daring to argue with her.

The situation with Siomir is what really bothers me. We understand each other --it's almost sibling in that respect -- yet we dance the dance. If not for a nod here, a gesture there, and a whisper in the right place... well, it wouldn't be fun, especially for me.

On top of it is the decision about Mathora'Tel'Quessir. This is clearly not a good time but is there ever one? How long before I can safely set foot in Doron Amar after that? Now my head hurts.

[Steal Your Face]

An Understanding... sort of.

It started out as usual with a sharp exchange of sarcastic barbs. I'll admit, I was the agressor this time, as too often Rith'alaria has put me on the defensive with her verbal attacks. This time, though, things didn't go according to script. She seemed less assertive and, for the first time in my memory, lacking her typical confident air of certainty. Something's going on there but that's for later.

The opening seen, I veered the conversation and we discussed many outstanding issues between us. While I still think her view of me is of someone I know not, I think we gained a mutual understanding of each other, at least as regards our differences. After all, I may be foolish but I'm not submissive, am I? In short, we finally made nice.

Siomir came along about then and noted us getting along and all was cheerful until Rhys arrived and mentioned talking with Jonas about the incident in the First Company camp. Sio immediately demanded to know what happened and I told him, as best and honestly as I could recall. Rhys confirmed my story largely in congruence with Jonas' account, so maybe I'm not that confused about what happened.

Taking Siomir aside, I explained why I acted the way I did and that I fully expected retaliation. A beating, perhaps a stay at jail for some sort of disturbing the peace claim. I'm still a little miffed over being blasted to smithereens but it's not going to change anything and it's the consequence of actions I undertook. I impressed this fact on Siomir and, in another first, I told him to forget the incident and do nothing. I think he might just listen to me.

[Steal Your Face]

Don't let me down.

I'm really getting to hate this tent, the only time I come back here is when Alison's too busy... and that's been all to frequent lately. What's this... a message, lettered in script big enough for Rith to see from... well, maybe across the multiverse.

"Dear Aearion..." the huge, blocky writing seemed smeared in places, maybe puddled with rain or something. I read on, feeling more wretched as I went. ".. don't let me down..." it begged toward the end. I let her down before and now I've no idea how not to do it again.

The thoughts welled up -- paths, possibilities, doubts, fears -- almost to break me. I'm so weak.

[Steal Your Face]

A Modest Proposal

We were walking along, as we often do, hand in hand heading toward Candlekeep. She pulled her hand away and brought out her lute, tuning then strumming and starting into a song. That wasn't unusual, she knows how much I enjoy her singing and will often do so as we travel but this was a bit different. Not just the lute or the song itself but that smile she flashed, you know, the one that melts you when it's sent your way.

It started pleasantly enough, something about a cottage home in the woods with lovers just being unpretentiously themselves and reveling in each other's company. I really don't remember the words so much as the feeling, a completely peaceful glow that the lyrics induced. It continued for a while, probably the most romantic thing I've ever heard her sing, as we continued up the road.

Entering the Keep, she came to the final stanza and the words started to register with me

Let's get married/In a big cathedral with a priest...

Full stop. Mental overload.

'Cause if I'm the girl you love the most/You can say 'I do' at least.

"Just a song?" was about all I could manage to croak after picking my jaw up off the ground.

I mean, I'd asked her just a few tendays ago -- admittedly on impulse but it's not like I didn't mean to ask -- and while she didn't say no, she didn't exactly jump up and down, hug me and say yes. That made me feel foolish and I decided then and there I had to be certain before trying again. And ok, she used the "mate" term a few days back but maybe she didn't understand how meaningful that is. And... wait, she's going to say something.

"Well, you haven't asked me in a while." Her coy smile was teasingly enigmatic.

I've been waiting for the right time. If I ask again and she doesn't say yes... well, it's likely the last time, I won't be that big a fool. But if I don't ask, will it ever be more appropriate? But if she says no, or even doesn't say yes, do I look too pushy, do we lose all we've had? No time to consider, it's either the moment or it isnt. Every end is a new beginning, right? So end this and see what begins.

The gesture and the words came easily enough, kneeling and asking. While she made a show of considering my proposal I already knew the answer. It was the moment. Right there, right then, and neither of us cared that it was right in front of the pigsty.

There is still that pesky aging issue, though. I'll never forget the look she wore, early on while still playing hard-to-get. Nor the words, "I want someone I can grow old with." All the gifts I've given will pale if I can pull that one off. Now to see the new Guide...

[Steal Your Face]

Interlude

It's been a busy and eventful tenday. First there was what I'll call The Voice. For several days prior to the wedding, I heard it... vague slurs (milnya anmileanem) and veiled threats (ilfeselilaneela). One night it got particularly bad while I was gabbing with Madison, so I asked. She didn't hear anything and it's not happened again since, so maybe it was just nerves.

The wedding and subsequent reception went superbly. Alison was positively gorgeous in her gown, then again I think she always looks great, even in that tomboy outfit she wears around. Meri kept it simple but elegant and we even managed to not get falling-down-drunk -- unlike poor Leonia who needed to be carted away by Randy. Who, by the way, didn't look at all out of place in a dress, who would have thought that! In the swirl of activity I even briefly met Alison's brother... I definitely need to find out more about my new family.

Guide Vauk joined us at the reception and surprised me by announcing my promotion. With greater access to more of the library, I took little time to pounce and really begin my research in earnest. I haven't found a whole lot yet but there's one report that seems promising, if I can manage to confirm it. Rumor has it that some infiltrators, suspected of being Harpers, successfully disguise themselves by some magical ageing process... that may or may not be reversible. Not much to go on but it's a start and I don't expect this to be quick or easy.

There's a bundle of activity involving the usual suspects but none of that is sorted out yet so I should probably keep my thoughts off paper until I understand better what's going on.

[Steal Your Face]

Chancing Upon a Lead

The next lead came quite unexpectedly. It was a chance meeting outside the Friendly Arm Inn. I met Leonia, Bre'teas and Catam there with Leonia in a rare-for-nowadays ebullent mood as Ramas had found the time to pay her a visit. The banter was cheerful and teasing, filled with inuendo as Randy and a couple of others joined our aggregation.

Bre'teas was becoming more and more uncomfortable and someone asked him his age to which he very meekly responded. I saw the moment to steer the conversation and relieve his distress and mentioned that age and ageing were a very interesting subject. Leonia then let drop that Kaden once talked of a druidic ritual that would lengthen the life span of humans!

Granted, this is Kaden, who hears what he wants and never lets facts get in the way of his conclusions. Still, there might just be a kernel of truth to this. Time to make friends with some druids.

[Steal Your Face]

How can I be so misunderstood?

Sometimes it's like we're in each other's head, that's how connected we are. Other times, well, we might as well be two different races... but then, we are. I think the bouts of near empathy interspersed with complete disruption are slowly driving me mad.

Sometimes I need a little comforting, a hand in mine, an arm around my waist, even just a knowing smile. Invariably, that's when I get the accusing look, the snort or, worse like tonight, the walk-away. It's like I'm supposed to be always the supportive one and never the one with a need.

It got bad and I was a jerk but I'll be damned if I apologize for it. At some point she's going to have to realize that I've got feelings. I wonder what it'd feel like with the shoe on the other foot, where I openly encouraged that sort of thing, right in front of her. After all it's just in fun right?