Israe'anna Il'starra Ssin's Journal

[Israe]

Where to begin. I am sitting here in an Inn room in Sshamath, looking across at my slave, Alys. I feel the bruises on my face, the cracked bones in my body, and a pit of emptiness inside of me. I try to recap how I came here, a long way from V'Elddrinnsshar and the Acropolis of Thanatos. I was never devout in my faith, always seeking only those ends that benefitted me, training to steal, and kill anything that got in my way. I was good at it, from training with some of the best assassins in the realm, to the Melee'Magthere and dabbling in other studies of a more heretical nature when I could. I felt at home then, but when it was destroyed, what decisions did I make to put me in such a situation. I remember fighting the undead of Orcus, and returning to the Acropolis of Thanatos when it was founded, until I thought there was a fortune to be had elsewhere- and thus I land myself into situations that I can not seem to escape.
I've traveled to Ched Nasad, Menzoberranzan, and other cities and outpost in search of proffit, able to move through the tunnels like a ghost. Out of all the cities, it was the same thing, until I came to Sshamath. I've never seen males so bold, and able to do what they do. Did I find a city that is truely out of Lolths reach, and is this what it means to be out of her reach? Males able to touch a female, or mouth off. Kivvil drinking in our taverns unchallenged? Wandering through our city? I never thought I would see the day that a Non Illythiri would get so much freedom, yet here I stood. When I first came I found myself enslaved by a male for not understanding how things worked there, if I were devout he would be dead by now. However I do not feel the desire to chase after revenge for another slight, I suppose I just want something more, but what? It all started with the bar fight, trying to kill the kivvil woman. Despite my attempts, her and her friends did not attack me, and yet when a male attacked me, and I was sliding to the ground, I have the image of a Human paladin standing over me defending me from him. Not only that, when I later encountered the surfacer woman I tried to kill, she did not kill me. I spoke with her at length on other things, at the time only to save my hide, yet words of hers ring true. What path am I really walking here? Do I seek to waste so much time that could be spent on proffit and training, on such petty vengeance and murder? And what is the cost of a life. Such a commodity in itself, things feel, touch, breath, eat, sleep. In such is it not but more proffitable to keep things alive if possible, and perhaps revel in a more suitable challenge later on?
I remember when I first encountered Alys, I viewed her as pathetic, and disgusting. I laughed at her, and when she challenged me I was going to beat her to death, standing over her laughing as I felt her life leaving her body until Petranca pulled me off of her... What good would that of done? Now I find almost a friend in her, she has defended me and shown me something I've never had- loyalty. In a cut throat world, it is a great feeling to feel as if someone is protecting you as you do her, I justify protecting her by saying she is my property, yet I feel almost as if I have a partner in her. If only I didn't tear things apart as I did, and would of understood sooner. She perhaps is a path I should follow in a world where everything is against me looking for an excuse to kill me, or hold me back. I look at her now sleeping across this room, peaceful, no treachory in her and I feel almost as if I'm not alone now, which is a awkward feeling when to be an assassin means to be alone.
I was recently taken to the surface, I don't remember how, but I woke up on a green blade like plant. In the cavern with the eternally burning fireball, I found perhaps a dose of myself in an elf named Jyn. As I tried to find my way back, as Kaltyra challenged me to do and even told me it was to teach me a lesson, I found arrows in me, and this elf standing over me. Such a hated enemy, yet a mirror image of me. The next cycle was spent screaming, and feeling the same pain I gave the one who could of been my friend, and since I've returned this image is burned into my mind. I don't see the point in persueing this path to that extent. The laws of ours and theirs, I have discovered are most disappointing, and geared to control the very aspects of our life. Hah! I will break these rules and live as I always should have, and perhaps be more powerful and richer than I ever have been. There are other routes to take and I see it now, perhaps I can leave V'elddrinnsshar behind me, and let my actions put me somewhere where I won't have enemies like I did, and can live in relative peace persueing my own ends, maybe even with a friend of this Tiefling ever forgives me for what I've done. I can only prove myself with actions, I know I will slip but I think she understands me. However I must also remind myself to put thoughts to pen, and watch myself. I need a vent, and I need a hope. If I look I always find what I'm looking for, and so I shall do close my eyes now and think about the past, and the future. Perhaps Sshamath is a new beginning in itself, only time will tell.

[Israe]

Entry two-
Oh the mistakes one makes... sometimes I find myself forgetting what it is to be a drow, and walk the path I do. I had thought I found one I could finally trust, and upon realization it is spit back into my face. The Elg'caress I let in, and was going to put my head on the line to protect, has sucessfully put my head on the chopping block. I should of remembered to always look out for myself, yet as I try to walk a different path, I can't resort to killing her. I am a survivalist, however, and will not be defeated.
On the other hand, I realize a mistake I made. I am an excellent soldier, because I can identify my faults. I am a terrible soldier, because it is hard for me to fix them. In my addictive personality I have sucessfully reverted back to the use of the bars poisons, to intoxicate myself. In such in the past I've killed and hurt people, creating more problems than it is worth. Now I might find myself on this same road, but for some reason I feel a lack of caring to fix it.
I suppose my solution to these problems is to continue taking care of those who put their trust in me, even if they never understand it. I will not fall deeper into the dark, but perhaps it is already too late. Only time will tell.

[Israe]

Entry 3
What have I done? I realized this cycle just how weak I've become. When Fade challenged me, I appeared to have won, but in turn I failed myself. I can feel the tensions of the failing, as I fought her jaluk. Despite outward appearances, I know if not for the enchantment that mends flesh, I would have fallen to them, once again shackled or ended by them. Yet Alys, now going by Vala, helped me in the fight. How did I repay her? When Fade claimed I cared for her too much, I cut her down. Only by some unknown force did I stop before completely ending her, and fixxed the mistake I made in letting her have False Life, yet she in her eyes believes I killed her, and I lead everyone to think that. Why was I tought to embrace such self-destructive ways? Why is it I actually care for this jalil. Where some might think it is a love interest, maybe even absurd thoughts that I'm a lesbian, they are mistaken. Maybe its the ideal of having a partner and not being alone at long last, yet once again I pushed it away. I think I am developing a "Conscience", absurd though it may be I felt guilty. Maybe the time is soon to leave these webs, but it will be on my terms.