'The Imaginary History of the Cloakwood Company'

[Diogenes of Sinope]

'The Imaginary History of the Cloakwood Company', by Earindil Ailusigen

[[This is a ficticious account of the Cloakwood Company’s adventures. The events are real, but the document is not, being an imaginary book that Earindil occasionally ‘produces’ to explain how (and/or why) Dennis Green ended up face down in the mud, much to Dennis' own dismay and inconvenience.

For more information, see Earindil, 'the Last Arrow' and Green.]]

Chapter: Song of the Sharrans

Day 1 –

Was attacked near Jorn’s Farm by the minions of a malicious entity, the self-identified “Shadow Singer of Shar.” Hilarity ensued. Ha ha. We were all laughing – except the vampires, who have no personality.

Dennis Green has apparently become a target for Shar’s vengeance. Less funny.

Note: add ‘Shadow Singer of Shar’ to the list of entities that would like to eat, maim, kill, or destroy Dennis Green. Note, also: consider drastic reduction of said document by instead recording entities that would not like to eat, maim, kill, or destroy Dennis Green.

Day 3 –

“Let’s run to Candlekeep under the full moon!” “Great idea!” “Uh oh, werewolves!” Everyone was surprised but me.

Made it to Candlekeep. Spent all the daylight hours indulging in ‘democracy’, which did not result in a plan to combat the Shadow Singer. Dennis got hot-headed when he overheard Arivain call him “hot-headed.”

Day 4 –

Baldur’s Gate was attacked by an army of… what did Jonas call it? Oh, Evil.

Stood back-to-back against the foe with Arivain and the Quartermaster of Candlekeep, Krows. Very heroic. I hear they’re building a statue.

Stumbled (literally) into none other than Noric Patteel, the necromancer. Wasn’t he dead? Noric, if you’re reading this, the skeletal hand is creepy, and it might be the reason you don’t have friends.

Ran the ogres, minotaurs, trolls, et cetera back to their baggage. Met large black dragon. Killed it. No, really, I killed it; ice princess did not.

Finished off five more dragons, all red. Note to the forces of evil: don’t keep dragons in reserve. You will lose. Case in point.

Victory! Eltan was enthusiastic.

[Diogenes of Sinope]

Day 8 –

Shadow Singer is not shy in public. Also has developed a taste for the Sharpe siblings.

No one listens to the almost-400-year-old elf when he says, “Mystra is opposed to Shar.”

“Oh the Morninglord! Oh the Morninglord!” they say. This will end badly.

Day 9 –

…ended badly. Sharpes are gone, taken by the darkness. Now they listen to me.

Made it to the Church of Mystra. Dennis lost the plot, started planning trip to the Abyss to visit family. Talkative wizard seemed a little too excited at the prospect.

Injected dose of reality. Advice was heeded twice in one day. Am on a roll.

Day 10 –

Thomas Sharpe was returned. Is a wreck. No sign of the sister.

Dennis and I are on our way to the Cloakwood to investigate the resident vampire coven, which is reportedly in league with the Sharrans. Am not expecting to learn any new jokes.

Day 11 –

Noric Patteel does have friends!

Wait, wait. Getting ahead of myself.

Made it to vampire lair. Was greeted by vampire chief, Drakus De…? De…? De’Dead, anyway, who is heavy on the exposition. Went on about wine and cheese, which needless to say never materialized.

Still haven’t been fed. Turns out he wanted to play charades. Someone’s lonely. My turn: performed an excellent troll. 9 out of 10, hands down. His turn: polymorphed into demon. Bit of a poor sport, I think.

Vampire won’t give us answers. Asked us to leave. Enter Noric, who is the vampire’s apprentice?! Noric says, “partner.” Haha. Right.

Vampire will see to Natalie Sharpe's return if Valerius grants Noric full access to the Candlekeep Library?! Vampire does have a sense of humor.

Exited gracefully. Met Stubbi of the Hin Brigade, who apparently witnessed the whole thing. Agrees I had the troll exact.

Agreed on a plan B: kill the vampire.

Re-entered. Vampire threatened death, bloodsucking. Dennis threatened sunlight. Vampire laughed. I burnt the curtains down. Vampire did not laugh, fled.

Stubbi, Dennis, and I followed after. Again encountered our gracious hosts. Did not go well from here. Newsflash: Noric Patteel also summons vampires – as if there weren’t enough vampires in a vampire lair already.

Day 12 –

Alive, apparently. Not sure why.

Woke up surrounded by spiders. I strongly dislike spiders. Vampire exhibits queer species of mercy.

Day 13 –

Not looking good. Am between Baldur’s Gate and Candlekeep on the Trade Way and am shaking uncontrollably. I knew it was too good to be true. At least I’m out of the spiders.

If anyone finds this journal (which they won’t because it's a figment of my imagination), it was not some vampire’s curse that laid me low, it was his lack of hospitality! A cracker, maybe? I’m starving!

No, I’m joking. This is bad…

[Diogenes of Sinope]

Day 16 –

Woke up in Candlekeep infirmary. Mattress is hard. Is sleep this uncomfortable? I wouldn’t know.

Had to reiterate vampire story three times. All scribes were busy. I will look forward to reading ‘A Meticulous Analysis of the Bowel Movements of Gorion’ when it is published.

Valerius’ subordinates very enthusiastic about facing Necromancer. “Vampire,” “undeath,” and “bad idea” seem to have different connotations here than they do in real life.

Finally, after days of shivering like an Aurilite’s inamorato, was restored with the help of young, blue-skinned Sante.

No sign of Dennis.

Day 19 –

Dennis was fine all along. Rejoined him no worse for the wear south of Beregost. Continued south with the intent to reach the Athkatla markets, but were turned back by the snow, which gets in Dennis’ little boots.

Day 21 –

Ascended Speartop peak where we chanced upon an encounter between some short folk, a pixie, and a white dragon. Non-dragons were clearly done for, but were brokering some deal with the wyrm. Turned away as they were eaten.

Day 22 –

Short folk were not eaten, but transported to the Underdark. How do I know? Because suddenly it was dark and it smelled like a giant subterranean expanse. Yes, we’re here too.

Dennis, the master of disguise (my favorite being the wyvern costume – which he wore from inside its stomach), infiltrated the party. Meanwhile, the ever-vigilant Earindil (that’s me) crept behind, unbeknownst to the short folk, to watch for the dhaerow.

Day 23 –

Ran into the dhaerow, which it turns out was the pixie’s plan. Note: Pixie is de facto party leader, mind-bogglingly.

In a twist even more bizarre, short folk are playing slaves while pixie and “Master” Dennis negotiate with the demon-bloods.

Having only narrowly avoided digestion on Mount Speartop, pixie agreed to bring drow wizard another dragon’s blood. I ask myself who’s more the fool: the fool, or the fool who follows him? Or the fool who follows him from the shadows? (that’s me)

Day 24 –

Grand adventure even grander. Entered drow city to obtain grey-dwarf guide. This plump morsel is going to take us to the next dragon.

To avoid detection, hid amongst the “slaves,” who could use to do more slaving and less chatting. Dennis, meanwhile, plays his part annoyingly well.

Can’t get away from the dhaerow soon enough. Fiends, all of them.

Day 25 –

Grey dwarf led us away from the drow city to a large, empty cavern, then fled. Short folk, pixie got mouthy, loud. Turned out cavern was full of sleeping, invisible dragon.

Apparently, the pixie is actually a human woman called Ceci, who this dragon polymorphed for his amusement. This was revealed as she attempted to persuade the wyrm (using curses) to change her back.

Dragon snorted, said spell was temporary, licked its lips. Quoth he, "Hahahahaha! *pause* Hahaha." I was not amused.

Day 25, Part the Second –

Dragon is no more. Not sure how this happened (other than, you know, that I was there and saved them all). Short folk are apparently as stout as they are small, and courageous, likewise! Muso-dwarf is best of them all. Don’t tell him I said so.

Still have no compliments for their decision-making process.

Day 28 –

White dragon made good on her word and brought us back to the Cloudpeaks via magic. Belligerent dwarves continued to test luck, incited she-wyrm’s wrath. I didn’t not have a hand in it.

One human was eaten. (Did I mention there were humans, too? I must have grouped them all into one obnoxious whole.) We retrieved him from the belly somewhat gnawed, but otherwise intact. Notably, the mouth was intact, which continued to move in a target-like fashion.

Descended Speartop Mountain with Dennis, who is again no worse for the wear, although stuffed to the gills with anecdotes from his brief career as a slave-master, and feeling chatty...