Journal of a Healing one, Layana Mordiggian.

[PiaMango]

The idea of a journal was suggested to me a few ten days ago. These past days have been *a pool of ink forms* confusing to say the least. Writing about them might help me understand. I have been told by countless many to follow my heart. I am not confused as to what it wants. I am just haunted by a thought, it is beginning to seep into the places I hold sacred.

Am I selfish?

I left the Order because I wanted to be free with my songbird. I could no longer take their oaths. I felt limited by them. Walled. Why did I accept such oaths to begin with when they hold me back from giving guidance to those who need it the most? Or is that a lie I tell myself, an excuse to be with her? Ilmater teaches us to take on the sufferings of others, sacrificing our own freedom in order to help others. Was it selfish of me to leave the Order? Will I be helping less without the Order? I will miss the comradeship I felt with some of the members of the Order. I hope leaving does not affect those friendships in a negative way.

The Greyfox have a saying, fools and ravens make good company. I met a raven with a broken wing; broken in a way I have never faced before. My attempts to mend the wing were futile and met with resistance. At one point the raven called me a friend. I did not expect that, though it seems it has not lasted. I had hoped to learn more about her broken wing, it seems that will no longer happen. I was surprised to learn the raven sang, I thought letting my songbird sing for her would bring her some joy. It was selfish for me to think that, to suggest putting my songbird in such danger.

Ilmater teaches us to help all, no matter who they are. Was it selfish of me to put myself in such danger? To neglect the pain the ones close to me would feel if something happened? Was I a fool to make acquaintances with a raven? Or am I now being selfish for having second thoughts, to judge who is deserving of help?

So many questions. Only tomorrow can know.


Whenever I see my songbird this feeling fades. I feel free from the world and its burdens, lost in the harmony of her voice. When I leave camp I find myself humming our song, thinking of her. Who am I to deserve her? The least I can do is share her.


Note to self, Ivan owes me one dragon ride.

[PiaMango]

Am I selfish? I do not feel like it anymore.

Before I found peace with the Greyfox tribe I was in a dark place. I spent my nights drinking myself to a stupor, crying myself to sleep, if I was able to sleep. Countless mornings I awoke in the care of others, who at that time I did not know well. Solaire, Faeyah, Dier, Annie, Hinzel... It was lucky that they all turned out to be good friends and helped me through that troubling time. I would enter the temple with a hangover late in the afternoon, barely able to perform my healing abilities. I was a burden on my friends.

It sounds odd to write this, but sleeping on a flimsy bedroll under a tent brought me more comfort than any amount of pillows or duvets an inn could provide. I felt free out there upon that cliff, I still do. Free from the world, free from its burdens. I listened to the tribes stories, learned of the great suffering their tribe has been through. I felt sympathetic for the tribe, yet proud they have endured. They did not have a healer so I offered to stay a few days. It was a mutual arrangement, the tribe was grateful for my healing and I was grateful to be able to be able to sleep easy.

Though I spend less time at the temple due to the long walk from camp, in the short time I spend at temple I achieve more than I ever had. I feel alive. I see light through the darkness. The Greyfox set me free, am I selfish for embracing that? I no longer feel like it. I do not regret freeing myself from my bonds.

The wind blew to me a raven. She is nothing like the last raven I have met. Her mother… was not able to survive the journey. I have taken the chick under my wing. I feel a special bond with her already. I lost my mother while I was young, though not nearly as young as the raven. I feel as though it is no coincidence that she was brought to me, that this is my chance to right what was wronged to me. I will raise Faldorn as if she was my own, she will have a good upbringing. I can no longer put myself in senseless danger. I must be there for her. Faldorn herself is everything I could imagine and more. She is beautiful, cheerful and curious to the world, though tireless. She also seems to have a remarkable connection with nature. I will not ignore this gift she possesses, it will be nourished.

Some live to serve their god, bound to duty. Sister Katarina herself has taken an oath of celibacy so that she is not distracted from her duty to Tyr. I cannot imagine what that is like. I would not give Nerys or Faldorn up for the world. I admire her dedication to Tyr, but I am not capable of that. I live to follow my heart. It is what brought me to Ilmater. I will continue to follow it.

For the first time in my life I am looking forward to the future, to my future together with Nerys and Faldorn.

[PiaMango]

As I look back on the year passed I am still surprised of what these hands of mine have achieved. Hands that some would say performed miracle, but as my brother in faith and heart would phrase it, duty. As stable as the ground we stood upon, he would call those hands after performing surgery on the then speechless Mia. Perhaps it was a gift, but not one that came without discipline. I neglect to tell him that many of those long hours I spent within the temple were often in repentance for oaths broken. Oaths that I should never have taken. Brother Marcus was more understanding.

The life of a paladin is one suited for few, and though I admire those who take upon those oaths it was a burden that I could not bear to carry. I was young and did not understand the consequences. I followed because of him. While still young, I have gained wisdom. I do not fault him for not seeing I did not belong before taking those vows, nor do I regret my time within the order. I achieved what my heart yearned for, to aid those in need and it ultimately lead to where I am now.

I may not truly fit here at camp either. But I am one thing, happy. I pray every night that our lord keep him safe and to grant him one gift for his service, a morsel of the happiness I feel myself. They may not be able to share this world together. I plead they be granted the next by each other’s side. I know he would wait patiently for her.

As I read through my past two entries I wish I had written more. There are so many names left unmentioned, stories confined to my mind. I look upon the note at the end of the first entry with a fond smile. Ivan the grumpy druid, as many like to call him. You simply need to catch him in the right light to reveal that is far from the truth. I think the dolphin ride will suffice.

I sit upon the bank of this spring thinking back on those names wondering where each may be now. Is Solaire still shining as bright as ever chasing his moon? Did the aspiring knight Jurgen finally find his place in this world? Is Katarina still crusading for all things good? The tribe plans to move camp north. Far north, it is likely these questions answers will be left to my imagination. I had hoped we would stay at this campsite for the following year at least, but the north wind calls for us elsewhere. The trip will be arduous, but I will endure.

My mind often drifts back to him. It will be long till I will be able to see him again. I do hope I will be able to have letters delivered from Secomber to him. My babies will be due in but two moons, he would want to know of their and my wellbeing. I often worry over his. It was only a few months ago now that I had thought him lost, but that is what his duty requires of him. He is what I cannot be.

I should not leave my mind to wander of the possibilities of him fate in my absence, if there is one thing to fear it is the fury of a gentle man.