"You've got a knack for that, and I hope by the time I come back, if I come back, you'll be taking that knack and making yourself a bloody duchess, or close enough."
Looking back, I wonder now if she had any idea of the chord her letter would strike within me, but for the days and nights that have followed, I haven't been able to shake it from my thoughts. When we met at the Elfsong, she told me I had changed her life, for the better. Told me that I had changed my life, for the better, and they were exactly the words that I needed to hear. The reassurance.. that simple validation from a peer.
I am a better person than I was, even a year past.
Her words gave me confidence. Not just confidence that I've made the right choices, but confidence that I might actually deserve some of the wonderful things that have fallen into my lap so far. Even a month past, the thought of me becoming a "duchess" of anything would've sent me into peals of laughter, but, the woman's parting words make it feel almost.. possible. She'll be disappointed, if she comes back to any less.
I still get chills, when I think about her original "performance." Her words, those beautiful words, that seem to hold more weight now than ever: "Instead of waiting for your dreams to happen, MAKE them happen. Reach for the skies. Every day." I will wear the necklace she gave me, and keep it as a reminder of those words. A reminder of the goal she left me. The confidence she left me. Confidence that I will be able to remain by Cheryl's side, and be able to look out at the world from the same height as her.
It gave me an idea, though. I told Rook about the sapphire gifted to me by Saif all those months ago. I told her it has the power to grant wishes, and how ever since I had held it, every dream I'd had, everything I could ever want had become reality in short order. I spoke to her of her own wishes, and gave her the gem, in hopes that it would work as well for her as it had for me.
She is too smart to believe that it will happen on its own, I think, but everything she hopes for starts with her having the simple confidence that she can achieve her goals. That she deserves to achieve them. I hope the gift serves to remind her of that, if nothing else. I'm going to help her, I've decided. We'll start with "knowing the world," and to know the world one must understand "people," so that's what I'm going to try to teach her, first. It's going to be a long road.
I think I've shirked responsibility long enough. Work never ends, and paperwork doesn't file itself.
It has certainly been a long day. I was filing some things in Cheryl's office for a few hours, and when I came downstairs, I saw signs of a struggle. The door leading into the meeting room was half-gone, there was broken glass all over the floor.. my first thought is that we'd been robbed while I was busy with paperwork. I ran downstairs and yelled for Semli and Illbryn, who accompanied me back up to check the meeting room.. for all I knew, the intruder still might have been inside, waiting, after all. The door swung open, and much to our surprise, out stepped Cal.
Turns out the entire situation was caused by rats. BIG rats. They came in through the wall in the second floor meeting room.. I didn't actually encounter any of them, myself. Cal and Rook were able to take care of the problem before me and the guards ever showed up. Me and Rook cleaned up the meeting room as best we could afterwards. I will have to try to get hold of someone to get the damage to the wall repaired as quickly as possible.
Afterwards I got a visit from "Julivan" and an old friend named Arianna. Jules said we should head out and spend some time together soon. We made plans to do something tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it, actually. I don't know what she has planned, but it will be refreshing to get away from the paperwork for one night and have a little fun.
After Jules and Arianna left, Ivan got into another one of his moods and started nagging at me and bickering with me about how best to deal with the rat problem. I have no idea why he cares so much about the vermin in the walls of a building in the middle of a city, but he needs to worry more about the forests, and less about what I do in my own damned building. Triel still lies in ruin, and the druid has time to sit around inside a bank that he has never once used for its intended purpose for eight or nine hours a day and lecture me about "the balance."
When me and Ivan argue, it causes a lot of stress in Rook. I can see it in her, every time. I don't know what the man's problem is with me, frankly. That leads to another issue entirely, though: I simply don't CARE what his problem is with me. I lost the last shred of respect I had for him the other night when he went on again about how terrible of a person Cheryl was, and how much she'd done to change me and "diminish my light." What does Ivan know about Cheryl Mae Castillo? Nothing and less.
I'm going to bed frustrated, again. This is becoming a common theme, as of late. My life would be a lot easier right now if the druid would just pike off and disappear. He hasn't cared about me in a long time, anyway.
The day started pretty well. After a little bit of an emotional display from Rook, I spent some time with her at that public arena in the North Farmlands, speaking generally on some of the basic principles of push and pull, and how to read peoples' desires through basic observation of their appearance and personality.
The more I talked about it, the easier it became to ramble on and on about the various aspects of "the game." Rook picks up on this kind of stuff surprisingly quickly, and I'm reminded again and again that the little bird is sharp as a tack. The look in her eyes, while I was teaching her, was something incredible. She really seemed focused.. intent. For those brief minutes, she wasn't a nervous wreck, heart shadowed in doubt. She looked content. Confident. In control.
Throughout the whole lesson I kept looking down at the arena floor some three dozen feet below us, and my thoughts kept going back to my "night job." When she managed to successfully trade me out of my pipe, I told to her about how much fun I had climbing and tumbling across "high places." It hurts, of course, when you fall, but it really is the closest I'll probably ever get to becoming the wind. The closest I'll ever come to feeling what it's like to spread wings and take flight. And I did, there, too. On a whim, I leaped to the stones below, a sheer thirty foot drop, and just as I hit the ground I tucked into a roll, tumbling several times and using the momentum to spring to my feet, unharmed. It was.. completely exhilarating.
I remembered that Ivan had found the bird by herself, with Telia and Ameris, yesterday, and I asked her if they'd been asking her questions about Cheryl or Llywelyn. Thankfully, she indicated they had not. I was just afraid they had been fishing her for information, or trying to turn her into some kind of unwitting spy, or gods know what else. The line of discussion was beneficial, though, and at least she knows not to trust them now. Afterward, the two of us went to the Elfsong and got something to eat, and when we were finished, I took off on my "date" with Julindra, leaving the little bird with Ivan.
Me and Jules took a walk to my favorite spot near the river, and the two of us spent a few hours talking. Laughing. Crying. She spoke to me of her fears and her doubts, her struggle connecting with Sparrow on any real meaningful level. I spoke to her of my fears and my doubts, my growing depression over losing my best friend, and how easy it seemed, as of late, for people to cast me aside the moment my friendship became less than convenient.
I spoke to her about her fiance, and my recent frustrations with him, and she admitted that the man was too dense to understand that most of what he'd said to me was utter nonsense. I was surprised to hear her say it, I suppose. How the two of them ended up an item remains a mystery to me, but she could certainly do a lot better. Ivan is lucky she puts up with him.
In the end, Jules told me she'd always be my friend, and that she wanted to spend some more time with me again sometime soon. She said she's going to start taking me around to different spots of interest around the Coast, and kind of fill me in on the history of each place. I'm actually looking forward to it.. Quite appropriately, in my mind, we're going to start with the city proper: Baldur's Gate itself!
"Be wary of the White Mask. That will be our first story," she'd said with a wink, as we parted ways.
I returned to the Commercial Exchange, after that, and (surprise, surprise) found Ivan there, with Rook. I had new perspective, though, and I realized then that I had to do just what Jules had suggested: Focus on the important people, and cast the meaningless ones aside. So I did just that, and I let it go. Let him go. I cast Ivan aside, in my mind, and Jules was right. It doesn't hurt, anymore. Now it's an easy enough thing for me to put on a show of being a real good friend to the man, and I will continue to do so for as long as I have to.. for Rook's sake, because she is family. For Julindra's sake, because she does treat me like a friend. It is not worth damaging those relationships for the sake of my pride.
Then, I accomplished something wonderful. I got Rook to agree to continue her lessons with me. I want to see that look of confidence in her eyes, again. I want to put it there forever. Things are taking an upturn, it seems, and it fills me with a sort of nervous excitement. I've written enough, though, for now.
I did something amazing today. Something that few will ever learn of, and fewer still would believe even if they did. I think Ivan would approve, if there was any way for him to learn the truth of the story. I destroyed the body of a powerful lich--one that had been hiding itself among the nobility of Baldur's Gate. A powerful mage known to the public as Lord Bernard Duskwater.
"It" even claimed to be a personal friend of Duke Liia's.. though gods know I've little enough reason to trust a word that came out of that creature's mouth. Still, if a mage as powerful as Liia could be fooled by the creature's disguise, it makes me wonder if there aren't others living among us, right in plain view. My only regret is that we were unable to find any sort of phylactery.. the evil will return in time, and likely seeking payback.
If Duskwater decides to come after me, or my family, I will deal with it. It's all I can do. Admittedly, I was afraid, before the fighting started. Really and truly afraid.. how could I even have a shred of confidence, against such a powerful creature? Once the fighting started, though, I adapted, just like "he" had taught me. We adapted. This victory was not mine alone, after all. Others fought bravely, today, for the safety of our city, the safety of its people. Unsung heroes, every one of them.
Alayna will be proud of me, I think, when she hears what happened. Proud that I was able to wipe that lord's smug look off his face. I still can't believe he had the audacity to show up at her wedding.. more likely than not, he just sought to unnerve the two of us, given his thoughts that we were somehow connected to that book that ended up in Al'maire's hands. I suppose it is a good thing, truth told, that there are others who are aware of Duskwater's true nature. It is a nice feeling, to think that at least on some level, we don't stand alone.
Now we stand poised to face another threat, one that seeps up into the city from its underside. A threat that will prove just as dangerous, if not moreso, than Duskwater. Perhaps, given what we found in the estate, we might actually be able to deal with this threat now, as well.
Today's events will serve as a reminder to me. A reminder to trust in my own abilities, at least such that they are. A reminder that I can be ruthless.. at least in my own way, when the need arises and I'm put in the position to protect my brothers and sisters, those I love and cherish. My family. Alayna's simple order has stuck with me, and will continue to do so:
"Be confident, not brave."
I think I'm finally starting to understand what she meant by that.
I'll likely write more on this later, when the combat jitters fade completely.
I don't have much to write, but I find myself wanting to write. I talked to the druid some about legacies, and how I felt like people were the true legacy you left behind. If that's really the case, then this journal might be the only record of that legacy. Her legacy. I need to put.. something down in it.
I found myself in a rather interesting scenario last night, teaching Ivan how to use a sword, the same way Ginnie first tried to teach me, save the conept of half-swording. He didn't seem to take it very seriously, but he did try. People rely on magic, too much, at times. Ivan even suggested that Rook use a "Shield" spell to deflect the rain as it fell on her.
Perhaps Alayna's disdain for the magical has begun to rub off on me more than I thought, but it seems like a simple parasol would serve the same purpose.
Aeili seems to be frustrated about people using their magic frivolously in the Farmlands.. I suggested she write an article, and perhaps try to use the Herald to speak out on the issue. At the very least I thought it might give her a positive outlet for her irritation, since it really did seem to be causing her stress. Speaking of the article writers.. I was talking to Ivan about Felicia, and it seems like I might be the only one left that knows who she was. That's one secret I'll take to the grave with me.
Rook continues to amaze me in some small way on an almost daily basis. Yesterday, I told her she wasn't ready to practice the same dive I had taken onto the arena, so instead, she found a nice clear spot, turned herself into a gargoyle, and took wing into the air. I felt silly about it afterwards. Telling the little bird that she wasn't ready to jump.. when she already knows how to fly.
Ivan shaped himself into a dragon and joined her in the air. He offered to let me experience it.. the thrill of flying. As tempting as the offer was, I'm glad I had the discipline to refuse. It'd be cheating, I told him. I need to become the wind through my own power.
I need to find someone who can really help Rook learn to refine her writing in the common tongue. I'll think about that more tomorrow. I can't stop thinking about what the future holds, lately. Butterflies in my stomach.. I can't help but feel like something huge is right around the corner, just waiting for me. I hope it's something nice.
I haven't been keeping up with these like I'd planned, but things have been moving fast. I'll be leaving with the Lady Ambassador today on her trip north to Neverwinter. I'm not sure when I'll return. But I'll get to see the City of Splendors for the first time, and Neverwinter..
Waterdeep. Neverwinter. Can you imagine a nobody like me getting to see places like Waterdeep and Neverwinter? There are so many little things to worry about. Planning. Packing. Picking clothes. I wonder what kind of hats are in style in the north. I hope they like blue.
I've certainly come a long way from Arres. Maybe Alayna's new role will take us all the way up to the Spine of the World. Or even out east, to Cormyr or the Dales. So many amazing places to visit.. Baldur's Gate has become home, for me, though, there's no doubt about it. I think she feels the same way.
I asked Rook if she was going to stay and look after the bank, or if she was going to fly north with us for the summer. She didn't have a response. I guess I can't blame her. Can you imagine what she's going through? Just when she finds something close to a family, and a little bit of stability, fate forces her to choose between one or the other. I can imagine the little bird is not exactly happy about having to make a choice like that, but this too is a life lesson for her. Life's road twists in odd directions and you have to learn to adapt.
If she decides to stay behind, I worry about the company I leave her with, but with that little blue gem I left her I'm sure she'll be able to make her wishes come true. I'd look forward to seeing how much progress she had made when I finally returned to see her.
We managed to get the Dukes to lift the banishment on Charraj. It was much as all meetings go. Much as expected. Tedious and political. I had a headache by the end of it all, but everything went just about as the Lady Ambassador had planned, and now I imagine Mr. Cain has had a chance to finally see what became of his investment with his own eyes. I wish I could've seen the look on his face when he first walked in, but damn it all if I wasn't tired. I look forward to seeing what he and the others do to help the business flourish in our absence.
I should probably write Telia a letter to let her know that I won't be able to contribute as a reporter for the foreseeable future. It might feel like a weight lifted from her shoulders, for all I know. I still sent something nice in for her next issue, at least, though hopefully my contribution goes unnoticed. She'll have to get an accountant to look after the books. It's a good thing that I was always on the level with them.
Saying goodbye to the family was hard. Too hard. I don't want to write about it.
