Forum writing critique

[sweetlikesplenda]

Hey all!

I'm reaching out to the community to get your view on my writing. I got a bit behind in writing up posts for Aaron's journal and a separate story line that was a big event in his past and I felt should have its own thread. Looking back at original post dates, its been over a year since I last posted, before today. Work and real life tend to get in the way of my time/desire to sit and just write.

Anyways! I wanted to reach out for opinions on my writing style, content, interest level (is the story a good read and keeps one's attention?), and so forth. I'm a Business Analyst by profession, so most of the writing I do is for work and is very to the point and meant for business use/End users of a product, so it has to be professional and straight-froward. I find that when I write for Aaron Lyonaler I tend to drift in and out of my more typical "essay" style writing I'm used to.

Any critique that is offered is appreciated. Let me know if it comes across without enough descriptive narrative, if you can't get in to the characters/characters need more descriptions, the story line is difficult to follow, etc. I just wanted to get some feedback.

I enjoy writing for Aaron, which is my largest drive to write at all, but I do want people to also enjoy the story as a player and maybe even want to be a part of his story on the character side.

Don't worry about my feelings, as I'm great at taking and adapting to critique.

For reference my latest story I have been writing on is below.
http://bgtscc.net/viewtopic.php?f=20&t=46337