Mental Information Alignment: Lawful Evil Philosophy: A stranger is just an enemy that hasn't found a reason to hate you, and a friend is just an enemy that has a use for you. Don't stick your neck out for anyone. Deity/Beliefs: None Personality:
Battle-readySeeks advice on an upcoming duel with an old enemy. CautiousTerrified of making a mistake. ConspiratorialPlotting a crime or rebellion and wonders if the PCs are likely recruits. ContrarianEager to show his independence from conventional wisdom. EfficientWants to cut to the heart of the matter, resolving it as quickly as possible. FlirtatiousWants to test his charm on a PC of the opposite sex with a high charisma. IntimidatingWants others to acknowledge how dreadful and imposing he is. MachiavellianTries to involve the PCs in a complicated scheme to gain power or harm an enemy. SmugBelieves he's clearly the best at what he does.
Additional Information Gear: Chain Shirt Jewelry: N/A Habits/hobbies: Listening to Music, Reading, Observing Art, Painting General Health: Perfect Health Favorite Drink: Exquisite Wine, Juice, Tea Weaknesses: Ambitious, Cruel, Dark Secret, Megalomaniacal, Scheming, Stubborn
Last edited by Flights of Fantasy on Tue Dec 27, 2016 11:44 pm, edited 3 times in total.
"Love is the most powerful force in the multiverse. Love is patient, kind, forgiving, enduring, faithful, hopeful, and eternal. Love is not jealous, conceited, proud, rude, selfish, or irritable. Love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love yourself to be confidant and maintain your beauty to show that you do. Love your neighbors, good and evil, to inspire righteousness. Sacrificing yourself for the sake of others is the hallmark of true passion."
My philosophy, developed slowly over the eight years of my life before coming to Sigil, beginning with my "marriage" to Aska and ending with my escape from execution. Though I had come to know some of these truths before that time, my heart had not been ready to acknowledge them until Aska was able to open it. They have guided me in my faith and kept me strong until now, the beginning of my new life as a Sensbane.
I have a family, something I had never possessed before. It has brought an immense amount of joy into my life, but some pain has come with that as well. The greatest joy being my two sisters, Kalina and Gwynnithe, whom I now have to love and care for and they the same to me as their brother; the greatest pain is my new father, Jach, whom is now dead and so I can not share the joy of this new family with him.
I also have found new companionship in my love, Rozalin. I remember how pompous and naive she was when she first came to Sigil, but she has grown and adapted so fast I find it amazing. I suppose I should not be surprised. I saw the vestiges of an adventurous spirit within her from the beginning and it only became more obvious after she journeyed with me, Aras, and Cybil to that wizard's pocket plane. I wish for her to always be by my side and me by hers.
With the coming of this new life, I have decided to write my memoirs in regards to my old life as a bastard and to keep a daily journal to treasure the new memories to come. My memoirs shall be divided into three sections that I feel represent the greatest changes in my life: the Lothario, the Blackguard, and the Paladin. The Paladin shall entail my first three months in Sigil then followed by the daily journal I shall now keep. The Blackguard shall entail my time in service to Obould Many-Arrows as I campaigned with him to develop his orc nation. The Lothario shall contain the largest section of my life, from my birth to the death of Aska. I am hesitant to write this section for it contains my greatest acts of evil, which I would rather forget. However, I realize that in remembering my failings I keep myself from hubris.
Once I have my memoirs fully recorded, I intend to publish them in the hopes my tale of damnation to salvation will inspire others. Granted, this will result in the criticism and hatred of many, but I will not run from it. Let all judge me as they wish. As long as they recognize that who I was is not who I am, I will be content.
Last edited by Flights of Fantasy on Tue Dec 20, 2016 5:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.
I've been having strange dreams lately. It all started after the plague ravaged the demons and I learned Sunshine retreated to Mt. Celestia. I went into the abyss and began my hunt on the legions of devils, ironically using the guerilla tactics I used to fight against when I was a general of Obould's army. These dreams are of my past... with a disturbing clarity. I see faces and hear conversations that should have long faded into the mists of memory.
Is this your doing, Asmodeus? Have you sensed the weakening of my heart and now plague me during the little sleep I get? It matters not, for I want these memories. So go ahead and taunt me with my past, for I know what the future to come will be. I shall catalogue these dreams and write a new journal on these pages.
I recall my childhood in that tiny village outside of Waterdeep over thirty years ago. Parentless, I was raised by the villagers themselves, but I was an unwanted burden. Why there had been no one willing to love me, I know not. I only recall the beatings, the screaming, and the molestation. With no guidance, I became a wild child hell bent on stirring up mischief. Eventually, I was chased away from the village, the last straw spent.
With no home to return to, I had to find a way to survive on my own. I recalled the songs of the traveling bards that occasionally stopped in the village. I remembered their songs of the City of Splendors and its many wonders. Bolstered by the promise of a new life, I decided to head to Waterdeep. After sneaking back into the village at night and stealing some supplies, I made my way down the rocky road to the highway and followed it to the city.
Unfortunately, all cities have their underbelly and Waterdeep was no exception. I found myself consorting with thieves and murderers; stealing my daily bread like every other street waif. If that weren't enough, I soon realized I was very different from other boys my age. I was "flower touched," which is the layman's way of saying I had precocious puberty. I developed into manhood at an age well before the norm.
It wasn't long until I found myself working as a courtesan. My rare condition and Aasimar blood allowed me to become the secret pleasure of all noblewomen that desired to taste the forbidden fruit of taboo. On one hand, this allowed me to live a very comfortable life and I was never in want of anything. On the other, I began to loose all sense of self respect and started to become nothing more than a tool for pleasure.
This continued until I met Lady Silvenheir, the head of a noble house that was on the "bottom" of high society. While it’s true she made full use of my services as any other, but she was very kind and caring. She didn’t simply send me away once she was done with me. She would invite me to stay for dinner and she’d spend many hours talking to me. At first, I didn’t say much because no one ever cared about anything I had to say before. In time, I started speaking openly to her about my thoughts and feelings. And if they seemed stupid to her, she never insulted me for it. She even started to teach me how to read and write. In a perverted way, I believe she thought of me as a son.
However, that soon came to an end. I began to favor Lady Silvenheir and ignored my other clients. I suspect one of them reported Lady Silvenheir, for one night we awoke to find soldiers in the bed room. Taboo was taboo… Try as I might, I could do nothing to convince them to release her. Lady Silvenheir was tried and found guilty of corruption of youth. I remember the crowd gathered for her execution, their voices screaming as they rebuked her. But those voices are drowned out in my memories by her screams for mercy as they burned her at the stack. Lady Silvenheir was the first person to ever love me, and those screams haunt me now as they did then.
Last edited by Flights of Fantasy on Sun Aug 29, 2010 11:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Anger, confusion, guilt… my young mind was weighed down by so many emotions I barely understood. I did know one thing for certain; I had no desire to stay in Waterdeep anymore. I sold all my possessions, purchased a light weapon and traveling supplies, and returned to the road. I must have been a strange sight to the gate guards. A young lad carrying a sword that barely fit my hand, yet bearing an experience many grown men would never have. The grim look on such a young face must have been the reason why the guards flinched when they looked at me. Neither of them moved to stop or question me.
I began to wander in a southerly direction with no clear destination in mind. I managed my gold wisely at first, but that hardly mattered once I was ambushed, robbed, beaten, and then left to die on the road. Thankfully, my time as a street waif taught me how to fake death. Even though I lived, I still had little hope. My supplies were gone, it would be a long time until I reached the next village, and gods know what I could have done against a foe in my state without a weapon.
Suddenly, a black robed figure stood before me. I would soon come to hate this man, but I was ignorant of his intent at the time. He gave me food, water, and a new weapon. He then began to tell me that I had a power deep within me, a power great enough to put an end to any foe I encounter if I were to nurture it properly. A power that he could easily bring out if I were to allow it. All I had to do was sign a simple contract that only had one phrase: “A favor now for a favor in turn.” Skeptical but seeing no danger to the contract, I agreed. He produced a quill that was already dipped in ink, oddly enough. I took the quill and signed my name, the one I was called since birth, "Bastard."
Suddenly, both quill and contract burst into flames in my hands. I dropped the fiery items and leapt back in fright. I shouted in anger at the robed man, only to look up and find he was no longer there. It was then I felt something coursing through my veins. A terrifying power rushed into my hands, into my finger tips, and into my weapon, which gave it a strange glow. I slammed it into a nearby tree, and a small blast split the trunk and severed the tree in half. Wherever the figure had gone, he had kept his promise before leaving.
With this new power and restored confidence, I continued on my way down the road. I continued in a southerly direction, occasionally staying in villages but taking care never to reveal the power. It‘s better to let people think you‘re weak so they are more likely to underestimate you. The only ones that learned the truth were the ones that died by my hands.
For many years I wandered the southern end of the sword coast, living by whatever means I deemed necessary. My powers began to develop more fully as I instinctively came to understand their dark nature. Then one day I crested a hill and found myself staring down the road to the city of Baldur‘s Gate. By fate or chance, I found my next destination.
I remember those first awkward days in the city. After spending so much time on the road, adjusting to the sounds, sights, and even the smells can be overwhelming. It takes a lot of time to adjust to the changes. I'd say out of all of them, the sounds are the hardest to adjust to. In the solitude of the road, the faintest crack of a branch draws your attention. In the city, you're lucky if you can discern anything so simple and sleeping is nearly impossible, even with a soft bed beneath you. There's just no sound that can escape you. I remember spending several nights outside the city in the camp grounds. I could sleep there and gradually adjust to the city little by little.
I remember how uncaring I used to be too. I sat down to eat beneath the shade of a tree one hot day and overheard another complaining about his misfortunes. I just rolled my eyes and muttered about how pathetic it was to sit their and complain. To my surprise, the man overheard and he and his companions started shouting at me. I simply shrugged and finished my meal first. Then as I stood and picked up my morning star, I shouted back to the man and said if he didn't want people commenting on his troubles, he shouldn't be yelling them aloud for all to hear. Then I simply turned and continued on my way.
The man probably just needed someone to open his heart to, but I didn't care. I was for myself and no one else. As young as I was and all that I had been through, is that so much of a surprise? Baldur's Gate further encouraged this mentality. Cries of merchants selling their ways, the shouts of the Fist barking orders, and all the other sounds of the city combined into an emotionless cacophony, drowning out any and all cries for attention. Everyone has their own problems to deal with and in turn ignore the problems of others. We are together, yet very much alone.
As time went by and I grew adjusted to Baldur‘s Gate, I eventually decided to use the funds I had earned selling wolf pelts to rent a room at the Blade & Stars. I could now sleep more easily in the city and a soft bed with a roof over my head certainly beat rainy nights at the camp site. Still, staying at the inn required daily rent, which meant wolf pelts would no longer be enough. I had to find work in the city. I probably could have made an easy living as a male courtesan, but my experience in Waterdeep made me loathe the thought of going back to that life. I was older then. I began to have ambitions and I had the power to achieve them.
I started by checking out the bulletin board in the town square but found nothing of use to me. I then searched the rest of the city for work and found some odd jobs here and there. The obnoxious guard at the Iron Throne wanted me to fetch some order from the Temple of Grond. Oh, I did it all right. I endured his comments and mockery, gathered the weapons, and then returned to him. But just as I was to hand them over, I undid the binding and let them all fall on the ground in front of him. I didn‘t get paid for that job, but I remember the smirk on my face as the guard started screaming at me. I just walked away laughing. It felt good giving him something to really complain about.
I found another task of locating sailors for a captain at the docks. I ended up searching all the taverns in Gate before finding them all. When I found the last group in the Elf Song, I was not in a good mood and it didn‘t improve when one of them threatened me. I got into a fight with one, but the other two joined in and I was easily overpowered and thrown into the streets. After gloating over their victory and adding some parting kicks, they went back inside the Elf Song and left me to lie in the street.
It was my own fault. The fight was unnecessary and could have been easily avoided, but hind sight offers little for past mistakes. I‘m ashamed to say, that wasn‘t the only mistake I made that day. After tending to my wounds, I returned to the captain and collected my fee as his messenger. I then returned to the Elf Song. I entered briefly just to confirm the sailors were still there, then went back outside and waited out of sight. Several hours passed until the drunken trio emerged from the tavern.
It was a long walk back to the dock, one that neither of the three completed. I had power and the ability to achieve all my ambitions.
I checked the bulletin board one day and found someone offering a job. A woman named Selis Vhaire was hiring people for tasks from performing at her theater, to writing articles for the Gazette, or serving as guards. The odd jobs around the city weren‘t exactly lining my pockets with gold and a dependable job sounded tempting. I decided to send a letter to her at the White Mask indicating my desire for employment. I received a response a day or so later and we were to meet at the Blade & Stars. But, after returning to the inn, the keeper approached me and told me Selis had matters to attend to at the arena. I could either find her there or wait for her return later.
The mention of the arena piqued my interests and I decided to go there. It wasn‘t long until I walked past a building and found the arena within my sight. At the entrance, I noticed a man and two women heading inside. One of the women had been carrying a torch but snuffed it out before entering the building. I jogged in after them and entered in time to see them pass through the caged entrance into the fighting grounds. I guessed a duel was about to happen and made my way up to the stadium.
I walked over to the edge of the wall and peered down to the battle ground. Torches lined the walls, allowing the three figures to be easily seen despite the night. They were waiting for another to join them. Eventually, another woman bearing armor and a black hood covering her head entered the battle ground and made her way over to the torch bearer. I learned her name was Rand and the other man’s name was Andrid, whom was trying to get himself hired as a body guard to one of the other two women, one of which must have been Selis Vhaire.
Rand and Andrid began to fight but Rand easily won the battle. Andrid went down hard and one of the women started to tend to him with some kind of magical song. Meanwhile, Rand was examining his sword and frowning at something. Something had been coated on the blade and she asked Andrid what it was. As soon as the fool started stammering, I knew what it was: poison. I shouted as much down to the gathering which drew the attention of the healer and she looked right up at me. I didn‘t know it at the time, but I was staring right into the face of Selis Vhaire, a woman that would become very important to me.
Selis‘ attention was soon drawn back to Rand as she glared angrily down at the treacherous Andrid. The third woman voiced the thought of turning him over to the Fist, which really got Andrid squirming. Selis wasn‘t pleased either and made it clear she was loathe to hire him. After Andrid begged for his freedom, Selis decided to let him go and told him to seek her out in a tenday after adjusting his attitude. It looked like Andrid was going to walk free from this, but he made one more mistake. He complimented Rand.
While I did not know Rand, I could tell the kind of woman she was. I quietly counted down from five, and, as I reached one, her sword sang. Blood sprayed everywhere as Andrid feel to his death. One of the arena attendants appeared and carted off the body as the third woman asked Selis to remind her to never poison Rand, referring to Selis by name. It was then I looked to Selis‘ face and committed it to memory. I then made my way back down from the stadium and waited inside at the entrance.
It wasn‘t long until Selis, Rand, and the other appeared. I waved to them and introduced myself. Selis greeted me but we were interrupted as another man entered the arena. After telling him there was no scheduled events at the arena and the body he just saw being carried out was another affair, he left. Selis then apologized and asked to reschedule the meeting since she and the others had to change out of their blood stained clothes. I was annoyed at the thought, but agreed to meet with her another time. Besides, the evening hadn‘t been a total loss. I had been given a glimpse of the kind of woman Selis was and realized it was time for the other side of the coin.
"An Interview, a Brush with Death, and a Siren's Voice"
My next meeting with Lady Selis turned out to be in an unexpected location. I had heard that Maltz, the owner of the weapon shop, often is in need of help moving his stock from Beregost to Baldur‘s Gate. After speaking with him and accepting the contract to retrieve his latest shipment, I made my way south and west down the highway. While I still wasn‘t a proficient fighter, I knew how to avoid trouble, was light on my feet, and therefore reached the small town with little harassment from neither goblin nor brigand.
After spotting the Thunderhammer sign, I entered and, to my surprise, Selis and her bodyguard Rand were there as well. I greeted them and learned they had just returned from Nashkel. We agreed to hold our meeting at the Burning Wizard. After picking up Maltz's stock, I went ahead while Lady Selis finished her business with the smithy as well. Upon entering the tavern, I made my way to one of the card tables and began a game of solitaire to pass the time. It wasn’t long until Selis' shadow cast over the table and she greeted me.
Selis pardoned herself to change and, upon her return, she asked me to sit with in the chairs near the fire. The interview went exceedingly well. Though she was more subtle about it, I could tell she was a woman with an ambition equal to my own. There was something about the two of us that clicked together just right. After going over the details, I apparently impressed Selis so much she went ahead and gave me a signing bonus!
Shortly after that, Selis was ready to return to Baldur's Gate and I offered to accompany her and Rand. Traveling in a group took some getting used to. I normally avoid trouble, but three journeying together draw more attention than one and we were accosted by goblins. I took my weapon in hand to fight the creature, but Rand made short work of it in a single slice. I should have noticed something must have been amiss when Rand backpedaled away from the creature, but I didn‘t know what to expect and was slower to react. In its death throes, the goblin yanked something from it‘s belt but it suddenly burst into flames before I could see. I cried out as flames washed all over me, leaving me badly burnt.
My head swam as I tumbled backwards and I heard someone call out my name. The pain was so great I thought I was going to die, but then I heard a soft melody in my ears and looked up to see Selis standing over me. I could feel my body begin to mend and I got back to my feet. I tried to explain her actions away as her simply acting in her best interests, she clearly expected much from me, but still… that didn‘t change the fact Selis just saved my life… making her the second person to ever care enough to do so. I think it was that moment my intentions towards her started to change. Before, I had just planned to use her like anyone else to achieve my desires. Now there was something different. Something had changed…
But my mind wasn‘t ready to accept it yet. Selis warned me I had to be careful around those goblins. Did I thank her for this information or the healing? No, I'm ashamed to say I didn‘t. I simply countered by saying I usually avoid trouble and never fought one head on before. After brushing myself off and standing on my own to save my "pride," we continued on our way back to Baldur‘s Gate. Once there, we ran into several others that knew Selis and made our way to the inn. There she entertained us with her music and voice, and I found myself enraptured. When I bid her goodnight and made my way to my room, I had much to think and dream about that night.
The following morning after speaking with Lady Selis, I found myself taking a walk down the path surrounded by the farming fields. As I wound around the bend in the path and came upon the bridge, I spotted a figure looking out over the waters on the bridge. Ordinarily, that isn't such a strange thing. What made this person stand out more than anything was the large scythe it bore in its hands! Covered in a dark robe with the sun just starting to peak over the horizon, I thought for a second I was looking at the grim reaper itself! Curious, I made my way towards the figure.
Once I was in stone throwing distance, I felt like a fool. My glowing silver eyes allowed me to make out the dirty and tattered robe, the short stature, and clearly effeminate figure of a very much living person. Though a chill wind was blowing, she took care to keep her hood up and her face covered. If it hadn't been for the scythe, I would have assumed she was a beggar, but farmer was my first guess because of it. Perhaps it was the comedy of my first "grim" assumption, but I decided to approach her. She turned out to be perhaps the most bitter, rude, foul mouthed woman I've ever met. Heh, heh. It must have been why I liked her. Seeing a woman with such a strong spirit impressed me.
We ended up exchanging names but before we could continue, a guard approached us and started to hassle her over having a weapon out. She claimed she was just a farmer taking a break to take in the view and I supported her claim, though I was starting to suspect she wasn't. He told her to sheathe her weapon and she pointed out she had no wear to sheathe it. He left us with a warning and told us to be on our way, but he soon came back with several others and it started all over again. She ended up having to reveal her face to the guards and I was surprised to see she was an elf with white skin and a very beautiful face.
Once the guards were through, we both decided to leave the bridge. During our earlier conversation, I learned she had apparently lost her husband and was now looking for someone and needed information. For the first time in my life, I felt pity for someone. Perhaps that simple act of kindness offered by Selis made all the difference? Well... I started talking about Selis and how she gathers information for the Gazette. Granted, it was a long shot, but there was always a chance some useful information could be found, and, judging by appearances, it certainly looked like she needed the gold. She didn't care too much for my suggestion though. Said she doesn't like working for anyone but she'd think it over. We then parted ways because it was my first day of work and needed to meet with Selis.
This is perhaps one of the strangest memories I have recalled so far. Despite the clarity of it, I find it hard to believe. Why is it so strange? Because the name the elf gave me when I asked was "Jezzara Coral'ine," the same name of Zilvai's mother. It must just be coincidence; there can be no other explanation. That meeting took place over thirty years ago and in a different plane of existence. Then again... considering I'm now in Sigil... a plane considered to be the center of the multiverse... I should have a word with Zilvai when I next see her.
After parting from Jezzara, I made my way back into Baldur's Gate and to the White Mask. While I had crossed the mask a number of times, I had never taken the time to stop and look at it. My eyes moved across the surface as I took in every detail, especially the twin theater masks representing happy and sad. I then moved up to the right giant door and pushed it open. Inside I found Selis, Rand, and a man in armor, clearly another body guard. This one was far more jumpy than Rand, though. As soon as he saw me, his hand went to the hilt of his sword, ready to attack at any moment. Even after Selis introduced me to Mehtar, his hand remained on his sword even though he visibly relaxed.
I apologized to Selis for missing the performer's meeting, explaining that something had come up. She didn't seem to mind though and I received my first official wage for the day. I couldn't help but grin a little as I added it to the rest of my gold. The more I thought about it, the more I liked having a dependable income to rely on. Selis then mentioned she was working on the minutes of the last meeting and I told her I was eager to find out what I missed. That's when I first heard of this Masquerade that was to serve as the grand reopening of the theater. When Selis mentioned needing posters and asking if I'd be interested, I accepted and started asking about the details. She said she wanted a dark, mysterious theme including the twin masks of the theater.
I started looking around the room, taking note of the details such as the dragons and the gryphons, while Selis continued to describe the event. She then mentioned I should bring a lady friend. I'd only been in Baldur's Gate for a tenday at best and had been focusing more on adapting than wenching, though I was starting to miss having a warm woman in my bed. Two women came to mind immediately at Selis' suggestion. Jezzara, the white elf I had met earlier, but even I at the time knew better than to go after a recent widow. The other that came to mind was a barmy girl named Olivia that nearly drove me nuts when I met her after first arriving at Baldur's Gate. The woman must have been cursed or something for everything she said was a lie. I remember how she said she didn't want to travel with me but kept chasing me around! Still, barmy or not, she certainly was nice to look at; however, I hadn't seen her for some time.
It was then the first thought of asking Selis to dance came to mind, but she quickly put in she'd be dancing with Mehtar when she wasn't performing. Mehtar didn't look too enthused at the idea, though. Unfortunately for him, he was going to serve as her body guard for the night and would "dance" with her as he protected her. Didn't know why he'd have such a problem with it at the time. Selis attempted to get both of her body guards to laugh a little with some jests, but had no success at all. They may have mastered their swords but have yet to master their wit.
The door to the theater opened once again and a woman wearing a black mask walked in. I asked Selis if this was another of her employees coming to get their pay and she chuckles. She explained the woman was Selah Shartess, an old friend of hers. Selah's stride was strong and graceful as she made her way up to the front benches and sat away from us. Selis motioned for her to join us. Introductions were given but it seemed like Selah had already briefly met Rand and Mehtar. I was the only stranger to her. After Selis introduced me as her new personal assistant, Selah started talking about what happened to the theater in Selis' absence just as someone else entered the Mask.
This time a man walked in and it didn't take long for me to mark him as an Aasimar like myself. His name was Jonas Rokranon, a man who'd bring great pain and joy to Selis. As soon as he walked in, he removed his hood, revealing his white hair and started walking around the theater. Selah and he went up to one of the upper balconies to discuss something quietly while Selis, Rand, and Mehtar starting whispering together as well. Something about this man's appearance changed the entire dynamic of what was going on.
Things became even stranger as two more men arrived, Gareut and Jack Artreri. Apparently these two were members of Selis' group and started to introduce themselves to everyone. After nearly getting knocked over by one of them and having a chance to speak to Selis, I handed over two rare items that I had found earlier: a scroll scribed with the powers of Resurrection and vial containing a very potent poison. At first, I had intended to give them as a gift, but Selis asked what I wanted for them in exchange. Since I hadn't thought of anything, I told her I'd get back to her.
At that moment, Jonas approached and asked to speak with Selis alone. Selis left instructions for Rand to guard the door to the back room and wished the rest of us good night. I left the mask, assuming the obvious that Jonas and Selis were a pair. Any previous thoughts I entertained towards Selis came to an immediate end, but I didn't care at the time. Her life, her business. Little did I realize that tonight was just the beginning of a course of events that would significantly impact the rest of my life.
The following day, I returned to the mask to get a better look at the inside of the theater for inspiration... and because I was curious what was in the back room. What? I was eighteen, a young adult. I wasn't too old to be curious. Anyway, after getting a look at the stage area, I made my way to the back stage door and tried to open it. I found it was locked though and turned to leave, but jumped when I heard Selis' call from the other side of the door. What was she still doing in the back storage area? I called back to her and she opened the door a crack. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, her hair was a mess, and she was still in yesterday's clothes. The false accent I had taken up fell from my voice as I asked her what was going on. In a very weak voice, she explained that Jonas had told her he loved her... even kissed her, but then turned around and said he loved someone else more. She went on to say something about severing a bond, how he was her best friend, and now no one wanted her.
I felt something... very strange inside me. A small part of it was anger but I couldn't figure out why I was feeling it. I barely knew this woman. Why should I care what happened to her? My selfish mind soon conjured up a reason: greed, of course. Selis had just given me a job and that job would only remain so long as she had reason to hire me. If this paladin broke her, then there goes my job and I'd have to find another. Yes, that was it, but then... what else was it that I was feeling? No matter. My task at the moment was clear and that was to restore my employer's self respect.
I stepped forward and hugged Selis gently and was surprised when she slumped into my arms. She said she should go back to Sembia because no one wants her here. I told her that wasn't true and pointed out all the people that came for her the other night, the performers, Rand and Mehtar, and even me. Me? I remember how surprised I was to find myself saying that. Before I had the chance to think that over, she said all her plans ended in tragedy. I asked who said that, she said everyone, and I countered by saying I've yet to hear anyone say such. That seemed to annoy her though and she suddenly asked why I was there and if I decided on the payment for the items I gave her the eve before. Her double question caught me off guard as I started to answer the first then switched to the second. I told her I had but it could wait. She pressed it though and, well, I told her I decided on a kiss. Originally I was just going to ask for gold, but I figured a kiss would be a good way to flatter her and better seat myself on her good side. What can I say? I was a conniver. Of course, in her current state, I had no intention of pressing the issue and told her she didn't have to.
Selis was still shocked to hear this. I asked why I wouldn’t and she in turn asked if I'd taken a good look at her... and I did. The tears that stained her face gave her the look of a pure maiden abandoned in a cold, cruel world. I told her she was beautiful even now despite being so sad... and those words were the undeniable truth. Selfish as I was, even I could see she didn't deserve this pain. She deserved to be lovingly held and protected. She sniffled and remained silent for a moment, and then said she would allow it in a quiet voice. I asked if she was certain and she said yes.
My arms slid downwards to hold Selis in a more intimate embrace. I tilted my head and gently pressed my lips into hers. At first, she didn't respond at all, and then slowly she began to curve her lips to match mine. Her hands moved up to rest on my shoulders and she tilted her head to deepen the kiss. My fingers moved to massage her back as my head tilted from side-to-side. Then, ever so slowly, I pressed my tongue into her mouth. She suddenly came to life in my arms! Her hands moved up to my head, running her fingers through my hair. She pressed more into me and moaned as she began to passionately kiss back. I grinned at the response and my left hand moved even lower on her waist while my right moved up to her hair.
The kiss continued for several minutes, and then Selis suddenly broke the kiss and stepped away from me in shock. I asked what was wrong and she started to apologize. She said it was just supposed to be a simple kiss and she took it too far. I told her that was all right and I enjoyed it. Smiling, I closed the distance again and asked if she wanted to continue. She said she wasn't in a clear enough mind to continue and warned me that she'd just be rebounding and didn't want to hurt me as she had been hurt. Once again, she surprised me. This woman had saved my life despite barely knowing me and now worried that she might hurt my feelings. While this caring might have been ordinary for others, it was completely foreign to me. As I looked at Selis, I began to see the face of someone else that had cared for me. Someone I was unable to protect.
And so I told Selis it didn't matter. It told her whether it was for just this moment, a day, a week, a month, or years, she could use me to get what she needed. And, if ever a time came she no longer needed me, I'd let her go and depart from the relationship gracefully. She was shocked by this but clearly curious. She warned me she wouldn't even be making love to "me" for her mind would be set on another. Again, I told her I didn't care and I kissed her once more. In moments we were in the back living quarters of the theater, kissing each other passionately on the bed. She kept calling me Jonas and I played along, allowing her to live the fantasy she so desperately wanted. I told her how much I loved her and how I'd been a fool to leave her. I told her everything she wanted to hear as I took up the romantic role of the paladin.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door and we both turned to look at it. The voice announced itself as Jonas. Panic suddenly appeared on Selis face, but I was already in motion. This hadn't been the first time I departed from a woman in such circumstances. No one needed know what had happened between us or what might have happened. I grabbed my discarded shirt, smiled to her, then left the living quarters without a word through another door. There is more to tell of this night, but that is all that comes to my mind at the moment. Perhaps another night's sleep will reveal more.
There is much more I could record of the tale of Selis and Jonas as my memories return, but this is my journal, not theirs. Perhaps I shall record my entire account of their chaos eventually, but I shall simply surmise the affair and its effect on me. And what an effect it had...
I don't think there was a time I doubted Selis' love for Jonas. Jonas' love for Selis, on the other hand, is another story entirely. I shall ever remember the man as a hypocrite. He followed Torm, the Loyal Fury, yet the man showed little to impress me in regards to his faith. Eight times he betrayed the love of Selis, broke her heart, and showed the limited extent of his loyalty. In retrospect, I'm amazed Torm only took away Jonas' blessing once. For many years afterwards I would judge all paladins as I had judged Jonas, false. It wouldn't be until much later that I would finally become one myself. I will grant the man this: he showed me the kind of paladin to not be.
Selis... I was amazed at how strongly she stood through it all and yet terrified at the thought of her breaking. After one painful betrayal, she became sick and I sincerely thought she was going to die. Then later when she was with Jonas once again, she would dismiss her sickness as naught more than her being overdramatic. It was these... "changes" that worried me more than anything. It seemed as if each time she would return to Jonas; even though she was the one always wronged by him, she would dismiss the wrong and even accept the blame for it to an extent.
I remember the time Selis spoke of Zein, her first husband. There was a light in her eyes as she spoke of him. He wasn't perfect, yet it was clear no one could have made her happier. I posed a simple question at the time. "Did Zein ever make you feel trivial as Jonas has?" She thought it over and I recall the regret in her eyes when she answered "No." Yet, as soon as she said that, she said nostalgia must be clouding her memories of Zein. She belittled her past marriage in order to give strength to her current relationship. At the time, I didn't know whether or not Selis was in the right to do this. But as the man I am now, I can't agree with her decision.
Now comes the most painful part of these memories... my unrequited love for Selis. Even now she holds a place in my heart after all these years. What began as a simple partnership turned to pity, then to compassion, and then to love as her relationship with Jonas continued. It was such an awkward and painful time for me. I wanted the relationship to fail partially because I hoped for the chance she'd come to love me if given the chance. Even though she said she would never love me, a part of me hoped that would eventually change. However, there was another reason I wanted it to fail. I believed Selis was slowly loosing herself. I fell in love for Selis because she was Selis. No one could ever replace her.
The two's last reconciling comforted me a little. Meri was there and spoke of patience and seemed so wise. Yet I can't get the image of the beginning from my mind. As Jonas bull rushed Selis with his words, she reacted as if spell bound. It was then I finally heard the fortune teller reading that was mentioned before. The fortune teller told Selis that two paths lay before her. One would be easy to walk but would leave her unfulfilled and empty. The other would be long and difficult, but the reward well worth the toil and hardship.
Selis reasoned that the easy path would be to abandon Jonas and wrap herself up in her work, while staying true to him despite his wrongs to her would be the most difficult task. The strangest thing of all is that I saw that as completely opposite. It was clear Selis desperately wanted Jonas' love. Therefore, wouldn't the easy path have been to stay with him and give up even more of her spirit for his sake? How much more can she give up before she is left hollow and empty? Leaving him would have been a trying process, much like an addict ridding themselves of a drug they craved. Yet once they finally let go of the addiction, they are set free! She could find a man that loved her for the beautiful woman she was and not betray her. Isn't it strange how a fortune can be interpreted to mean two completely different things?
The day the elves broke into the theater... before I realized what was going on, I felt so downcast and rejected. I didn't think I could stay in the theater anymore and was about to move back to the inn. But as soon as I sensed the danger, I didn't even have to think! I made my way back to Selis and warned her that someone had broken into the theater. It didn't matter what the danger was and that I was probably powerless to stop it. I just had to be there to at least try and protect her! It was then I realized that, even if she'd never love me in turn and I'd always have to deal with the pain of her being in the arms of another, I wanted to always be there for her. However... if Selis looses herself to gain the love she wants... she would no longer be the woman I loved and admired. It would be like watching my first and only friend die.
I felt completely helpless for it seemed like there was nothing I could do. I tried so many times already. What good was the promise Selis made to stay alive if she lost her very soul? My heart started to become numb and apathy began to take hold of me. I no longer cared about anything. I simply trudged on.
It had just been another day at the Mask after going through my usual cleaning routine. Everything was in perfect order when I left. Did someone sneak in shortly thereafter? Or had they been there the whole time hiding in the shadows? I can not say. My latest vision does not reveal it to me. I see myself walking across the bridge and running into Selis, Justin Crownsilver of the Fist, and another whom I would soon know to be Kaden, a paladin to Mystra. Though I first thought he was a new hired guard.
After somberly greeting them, I was able to piece together that Selis had been swarmed by a group of adoring fans. Justin scared them away to keep them from overwhelming her, but it was obvious Selis was excited over the attention. Despite my apathy, I couldn't help but smile as I watched her. Justin soon had to depart and requested I guide her out of the rain. It had been a very stormy day with the rain constantly pouring. I recall the cape Selis' had draped over her head.
It was then I learned Kaden had urgent matters to speak with Selis and the three of us made our way back to the city gates after Justin departed. We were thoroughly soaked when we stepped into the Blade and Stars and the fire looked very inviting. I went to get some wine at Selis' request as she and Kaden sat down to speak.
Suddenly a crowd of boys and men came running in from the back of the inn. They wanted to speak to Selis and get her autograph. It didn't take long to figure out this must have been the same group Justin had scared away earlier. I asked Selis if she wanted me to send them away, but she decided to step forward and speak with them a little. At first, things seemed innocent enough... then they started asking her to do rat impressions! I frowned as I recalled "The Taddler" article I had read earlier, another paper that went out of its way to mock Selis.
They started stamping their feet and repeating the word "rat." I shouted to the innkeeper to call the guards to put an end to this harassment, but the keeper demanded we leave, too! Selis was shocked at this and vowed she'd never stay at the inn again. As the chanting continued, I had had enough and was ready to knock some sense into the mob with my fists, but Selis decided to leave the inn and be done with it. After being forced back out into the rain, we decided to head for the Mask. The trek, dreary enough with the rain, was even more so with the mood that fell on us. And the day was going to get worse.
Upon reaching the theater and pushing through the great doors, we were shocked to find benches were missing and the theater filled with rats. I grabbed my mace and started smashing away at the foul vermin while Kaden stamped away, but then Selis finally snapped! I winced as she cried out a cursed song and watched as rats fell to the assault. We made our way through all sections of the theater and killed all the rats we found. We ended up in the recreation room, surrounded by dead rats, rat feces, and torn furniture. The rats had gotten into everything.
Recalling the mob, Selis wanted to know more about the Taddler article. I managed to find the copy I had left at the Mask earlier after reading it. It had been gnawed on by the rats but was still readable. Selis snatched it from my hands as I offered it to her and her eyes widened as she realized the Taddler had made up the story then made it come true! That still left the question of how all the rats got in the theater in the first place. I told Selis I had only left the theater a half hour ago and everything was perfectly fine at the time. Kaden then took a look at the rats and was able to sense they were created through shadow conjuration.
Then, almost as soon as he said this, the rats started bursting into flames! The theater started to catch on fire and we needed to get out. Selis was frantic and kept crying for the fires to be put out. This was her home, after all. Kaden started trying to dispel the corpses I tried my hand at blasting away with my magic, hoping to reduce them to ash before they burst. Selis cast a spell on her and me to shield us from the fire, but suddenly one of the corpses burst into an unnatural flame right in front of us! I could feel my flesh being seared from my face! But then it was over and I suddenly found myself consumed in darkness.
Time seemed to ground to a halt as I began to hear an endless cacophony of wailing. I felt hands... thousands and thousands of hands grabbing onto me and pulling me into a mass. The voices wailed into my ears, screaming for me to give up. Over and over again they told me it was over and that there was nothing worth fighting for. Their words rang true in my ears... and I offered no resistance. I began to loose all sense of self and feeling as those hands dragged me further in. The woman I loved would soon no longer be there. I had nothing. I was nothing.
Then a voice that pierced through all the wailing cried out my name. I opened my eyes and saw a single hand reaching towards me from the surface as it tried to pull me out instead of in. The voice kept crying out my name... and then I realized it was Selis' voice. My mind sprang to life as a single thought entered my mind, "Is Selis safe?" As that thought echoed, I began to fight back against the hands and try to wade out of the mass. I reached forward to that single hand, and, as the tips of my fingers brushed against the tips of its fingers, I find myself being yanked forward into the light.
A very, very painful light... My body felt like it was still on fire. I could barely breathe and couldn't see anything except a blur of white. I painfully asked where Selis was and if she was okay. I heard a myriad of voices in response. Nothing was clear or made sense, though I think I heard Selis' voice say it was okay. I felt myself being carried somewhere and set down. A tingling sensation started to fill me and I began to feel cold once more. The light in my vision cleared and I found myself staring up into the ceiling. I looked around and recognized the face of Kaden and the smithy priest of Gond.
Movement was not easy but I had to get up. I had to find Selis. Kaden said a few things to me but nothing really registered. I had to find Selis. Following Kaden, I limped out of the temple and back into the rain. After several wobbly steps, two figures appeared on the street. One was Jonas but I barely noted his presence. All I noticed was the other, Selis. She was alive and that's all that mattered.
It's interesting how much clearer your vision is in hind sight. How long has it been since I last opened this journal? Over six years going by the date of the last entry. I just spent the last hour going over it and can't help but laugh at how pathetic and melodramatic I had been in my youth. It's hard to believe a woman named Selis Vhaire had ever meant anything to me at all. The innocence of youth in its states of love and lust. I must have been too heart broken to record anything further. I suppose I shall recount the memory of events as I recall them now for the sake of having them down. It shall serve as a reminder to myself.
Selis's and Johnas's relationship ended in disaster, of course. I can't recall the exact reason why, but he left her once more. It was perhaps the tenth time something like this had happened, but I honestly can't recall rightly. Johnas tried to end it with them parting as friends, but that was in his mind only. Selis had wanted nothing more to do with him and ended up in another torrid affair with one of her performers: Jack the sailor. Last rumor I had heard, she had separated from him as well and, as far as I know, is living alone back in her home country of Sembia. And as for our dear wishy-washy paladin, he apparently ended up re-marrying his first wife. Apparently the two had been having issues and, as far as I can guess, Selis was little more than a diversion.
Is this truly what people think of as "love?"
As for myself? Well, for a short time after Selis' had abandoned the White Mask, I very briefly attempted to continue things on my own. However, I soon grew tired of it. The White Mask no longer felt like a home to me and I suppose I was too depressed over my immature heart break. So I left Baldur's Gate entirely without so much as a goodbye to the rest of the Performers and continued my wanderings across the Sword Coast.
I would occasionally slip back into the city and check-in on the Mask. Perhaps I hoped I might see Selis again or felt obligated to do that much in respect to our prior contract. Eventually I stopped bothering as time passed and healed both wounds and guilt. After all, Selis was the one that had abandoned her own theater. I could hardly be bound in contract to an absent employer.
Now I once again find myself stepping through that great gate several years later. I was barely eighteen when I first passed through. Now I'm twenty four and well into my manhood. I have seen and experienced much in those six years, more than any man should. But I haven't felt the desire to write in this journal for such a long time. I am somewhat glad that I kept it. It's good to look back on past mistakes and see how one can improve oneself.
