Stand-Alone Adventure for fun: Salim's Holiday Hijinks!!

[kitteninablender]

As Loke and I fought the All-father battled the Snake
And with every strike of his spear it made the world shake

Bolts of lightning filled the air as Gungniir did it's work
The serpent began to writhe, and in spasms began to jerk

Blow after blow the all-father struck without refrain
And the serpent began to roar in terrible pain

But alas the snake did not retreat
And the All-Father's power began to Wane..he would soon know defeat.

"Abandon your plans, Loke!! Abandon this campaign!"

"Never!! The entire Nine Worlds will know my pain!
He locked me away!! He sent me to Hel!!

And now all the WORLD will know how I FELT!!"

"We're a lot alike you and I. We've both spent time in Hel...
Lied to. Used. And from grace we BOTH Fell..."

"Then JOIN ME, SALIM! We can rule the world together!"

"I will admit, Loke, we ARE birds of a Feather...

but no. I can't stand to see this world in such catastrophe
Even with all that the world has done to me...

This world deserves a CHANCE to do BETTER!"

"That's the All-Father talking. Down to the Letter!

This world's had its chance. And this world has FAILED.
Look at how big my son has grown, from his head to his Tail!!

He eats Mankind's Lies! Their Avarice, and Greed!
On their EVIL and their HATRED does Jormungandr feed!!"

"...you've given me an idea...I hope it's not too late...
ALL-FATHER!! YOU TAKE LOKE!! I'LL HANDLE THE SNAKE!"

And so we switched opponents, Sleipnir rode to intercept
And I flew over to the snake, and a great fear in my heart crept..

"Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?" I calmly asked
As I set about my goal, my impossible task

As the snake curled around, with a gaze as cold as ice...
I did something Loke didn't expect. I tried being NICE!

"You poor, poor creature. Locked in the depths, all alone.
Anger and Hatred...are all you've ever known..."

"DO NOT LISTEN, JORMUNGANDR!! YOU OBEY ME!!!"

"He's using you, Jormungandr. Can't you see?
He knows you're filled with Anger. Knows you're full of Rage.
And he's using that anger to bring about End of Days...
And while it may seem too late, and you might SEEM deplorable..

...I happen to think that Snakes...

...are bloody ADORABLE..."

So I opened up the bag, and rather than attack...
I pulled forth from the bag...a PILE OF SNACKS...

I brought forth Pies! And Beer! And Turkeys! And lamb!!
Honey Cakes!! Candy Canes!! And even a fresh glazed Ham!!

"EAT HIM, JORMUNGANDR!!""

But as Loke Spoke...
I calmly upturned the sack...and poured it down the Snake's throat!!

**OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM!**
***BEEEEELLLLLLLLCHHHHH!**

After upturning the bag the snake let out a grin...

I used the Monkey Staff to grow to Giant-Size....and SCRATCHED HIM ON THE CHIN.

"You poor, poor creature, doomed to bring about the End...
It turns out that, maybe...all you needed...
...was a FRIEND.."

"SALIM!? ARE YOU CRAZY!? WHAT THE WORLDS ARE YOU THINKING!!
Wait...oh, my Gods...the Serpent...

...Jormungandr....is SHRINKING!!"

[kitteninablender]

"No! You stupid Serpent!! HATE! HATE!! HATE!!"

"No, Loke. It's far too late..."

"No!! It's NOT OVER!!"

"Give up, Loke. You're DONE!!
And this time I'll see to it that you NEVER AGAIN SEE THE SUN!!"

"Now hold onto your eight-legged Horse!!
This is what caused this in the first place, you realize this of course!?

All-father you locked him away for being Mischevious...
For being a nuisance, and being so Devious...


But aren't Loke and I not one and the SAME!?
We both share YOUR blood!! And we both carry YOUR name!!?"

"Now I don't mean any disrespect, All-father, not the least little bit...

..but if you punish Loke you're a f-cking HYPOCRITE!"

"I know what it's like to be considered obnoxious
For people to believe that you're tainted and toxic

I know what it's like for people to want to lock you away.
I know what it's like to be alone for most of your days

I know what it's like to want to play tricks..
On a world you consider broken. And it's people sick.

But that's why now, Loke, I make YOU whole..

"..and return now, to you, the missing PIECE OF YOUR SOUL."

[kitteninablender]

"You..you would give away such power!?
Think about what you could have!? Your own country? Your own tower!"

"What would it matter if the world is destroyed?
A man who dies still dies...even if he has the most toys.

But you died inside when you put your soul into this Mask..
Take it back. Become whole. That's all that I ask."

"SALIM! With his mask he'll be an even BIGGER threat!!
I hope you aren't doing something you're going to regret!"

"You said it yourself, All-Father. The Mask robs me of all sanity.
And you said it yourself...that it feeds on my humanity.

But that's now..I give it all to Loke.
It's as you said, Trickster. I hope you don't CHOKE!!"

"Bahaha!! You delusional Fool!!
You truly are a most useful tool!!

The greatest of Chosen that I could ever ask!!
Who awoke Jormungandr, and brought me my mask!!

And now that my Mask and I are ONE, you will never forget!!
What I am going to...to...to..."

"Regret."

"I'm not the one who's going to be regretting.
That would be YOU. Loke. Time to start fretting.

The mask feeds upon my humanity. That much is true.
But now that means my humanity....is now part of YOU.

Every bit of Guilt. Every bit of REMORSE.
The first time you've ever felt it...and it kicks like an eight-legged horse.

Endless self-pity. A cage of your own Doubt.
That's the TRUE definition of HELL!!

And you'll NEVER GET OUT!!!"

You've been a BAD BOY!! A REAL F---IN' PAIN!!
AND NOW THAT YOU HAVE A WHOLE SOUL--

"--KRAMPUS!!, DRAG HIM TO HELL WITH YOUR CHAINS!!"

"NOOO!!!"

"NOOOO!!"

"NO!! PLEASE!! NOOOOO!!"

[kitteninablender]

"Well Done Salim!! The Deceiver was Deceived!
The Nine Worlds are spared! This old man is SO relieved..."

"Hold your praise, Old Man. I meant every word I said...
Loke and I are much alike. Both full of Hate, and Dread.

I blew up Captain Norton. Sent the Thayans to the Moon.
Gave Captain Scar a loaded Cigar, and made the guy go BOOM!

I've done horrible things. I'm no better than he.
Loke deserves company in Hell. And it should be me.

"Yes, you've done many things. But it's within my power to forgive.
You saved the world, Salim. Because of you all these people will LIVE.


I" don't feel any better. I'm still Far Realm spawn.
My Humanity was eaten by the Mask. The old Salim...is GONE."


"Indeed he is. But perhaps not completely so...
There is, perhaps, a different path upon which you can go..."

"What do you speak of, One-Eye, whatever do you mean?"

"I speak of my power to move through Time, Salim..."

"I make you this offer. The offer to RESET THE NIGHT.
To before Loke ever met you. And before this horrible Fight.

Tonight will have never happened. Your revenge will not be complete.
You will be as human as you ever were, as I make Time Retreat.

You'll remember what happened, though the rest of the world shall not.
But your SINS will be Forgiven. And your CRIMES will be FORGOT.

The Red Wizards will return. As will the Flaming Fist.
As if they'd never left, as if your pranks all went amiss."

"Do it, Annam. Send me back into the Past.
To when I was asleep in the Gutter. Drunk...off my ass."

"So be it, Salim. The sands will soon reverse.
You shall be free of your sins, and your terrible curse.

"I ask one souvenir. One thing to take back."

"You cannot have my Sleigh, the Gauntlets, the Staff or the Sack."

"No. What I want...is the SNAKE. Let me give him a HOME
So that he never again has to spend the Holidays alone."

"You would take Jormungandr as a PET!?"

"As a FAMILIAR. The greatest one I've had yet..."

"...I accept. Close your eyes and prepare."

"Come on, GEORGE, let's get the hell outta here..."

A flash of light, and soon I awoke covered in slop
Asleep near the pig sty, where in my inebriation I dropped

I stood up slowly, I was frozen like death
My head was sore, and there was whiskey on my breath

I looked around, dazed, had it all been a dream?
Just a drunken delusion? That's certainly what it seemed.

I stood up, slowly, but before I could scoot...
I felt something wriggle...

...I had a SNAKE IN MY BOOT.

As I picked up the snake I looked up into the night

And saw a Sleigh fly overhead. An all-too-familiar sight.

And as it flew off I heard a great laugh, of indescribable cheer.

"HO HO HO!! MERRY CHRISTMAS, BALDUR'S GATE!!! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!"

--- <3 Kitten

[zhazz]

A completely insane, twisted, and thoroughly enjoyable read! I had a great time reading this over the holiday