Another Thaw

[JustAnotherGuy]

Emmanuel sits down at a small, handmade writing desk in the house he had built for himself and Ashling. It had been an unadventurous day walking through the forest, watching the trees and the animals as they began to prepare for autumn. He picks up his journal to read through it, and picks up a quill. After some time in thought, the old journal is placed away, and a new, fresh book opened. He begins to write.

Another thaw has come and gone. But where does that leave me? The turning of time is evident in nature. The trees change their leaves. The animal's fur grows thicker. Even my hair has begun to change to the colors of fall.

So much is changing, yet I seem to be frozen in time. As the years pass I am still lost in a struggle against the sea of chronology. So much is the same, yet so much changes. How can I allow myself to change with the seasons when I am needed as I am?

Kazgaroth. Gnolls. Flaming Fist. Orcus. The Plaguebearer. A giant spider. Infernal undead. It seems that my forest is constantly under pressure from outside forces seemingly wishing to destroy all that I hold dear.

The question was once asked of me how long I will live. My response was, "Until I am no longer needed." At this rate, it seems that I will never be allowed to walk upon the plains of Krigala or Karasuthra.

Am I destined to live until the ends of time, then? Of course, this is nonsense. I could only live for another 600 years or so. And it seems that this next 600 years will be never-ending struggle to protect the lands.

Time flows. Things change. But for now, I remain the same. I cannot allow myself to age for fear that I will grow too feeble in my older years to face what is necessary of me.

Still, all is not horrible. Being alive means that I can watch the generations of the friends that I hold dear. When Carah's children's children have children, I will still be here, looking the same as I do now.

Will I still be the same? This Reghedman who does not belong? Or will I have found a place to genuinely call "home"? It may be that I do not. But until I can walk the shores of Karasuthra, I ask that you wait for me, Ashling. I may be a long time, but I will eventually see you there. Look for the white wolf with green eyes.

[JustAnotherGuy]

"How can you stand to live in such a horrible place!"

People have a tendency only to see the dark side of things. Roughly 200 square miles of my forest, and the thing that seems to get the most focus is on the mansion that sits on the outskirts. Today, I took Sel to the fey circle of mushrooms to prove to him that it wasn't the entire forest that was in chaos and darkness. I told him stories of a hidden place where there is no fighting; where wolves and bears sit down with rabbits and deer. I'm not entirely sure if he believed me or not.

"What do you think of the shadow druids there?"

I often get this question a lot, too. I have to then explain that I don't believe that they are shadow druids, but merely insane or crazed druids that simply call themselves shadow druids. I end up explaining that if they were true shadow druids then no one else would know that they were shadow druids. True shadow druids . . . well. They work in the shadow. Even other druids are usually unaware that they are shadow druids. They join our circles and our enclaves. They work alongside of us. And they keep hidden. It's understandable that those who do not know better would call the insane ones by what they call themselves, though.

"What is the balance?"

This question is likely the hardest to answer. In simple terms, the balance is simply making things conducive so that things that exist now will always continue to exist. But even this definition isn't exact; after all, we who uphold the balance seek out and destroy any abominations that aren't "natural". Some would say that the balance is maintaining nature. But in reality, nature does not need maintaining on it's own. On that front, it is simply keeping things out of nature that would destroy nature.

My own personal views of balance and what it is have changed over the years. By taking into account the views of many people, I have been able to form my own views. The strong prey on the weak. This is natural. The wolves hunt the deer. But we feel no compassion for the deer; it is only natural for the predators. They have to fulfill their need to eat just like any other species.

Why then does it seem to be the opposite in civilization? Why does it seem that the weak are the ones who feel the need to prey? "Being good is something afforded only to the strong." I have said this phrase a few times in the last couple moons. Also, "The strong have the right to rule. But they also have the responsibility to rule well."

Perhaps my views will continue to shape themselves as I grow older; as the seasons continue to change. Perhaps not, but I am not so proud as to claim that I have all the right answers already at this point in my life. Perhaps I will one day read these writings, and laugh about how foolish I was at one point. Or perhaps they will remind me while I still believe the same thing. Only time will tell.

[JustAnotherGuy]

"I'm glad I was here."

"So am I."

It was an eventful day, even though I hadn't planned on it being such. As I was headed to William's Well, I ran into Sel. Fortunately, he told me that Niyressa and Lylan were there. I stayed near the shrine of my goddess for a while until I saw the two of them walking by, and went to the Well.

Things were going good, until a quake hit. The timing could not have been more unfortuitous. Carah was in the kitchen frying some peppers in a vat of oil. As the quake hit, I heard screams of pain coming from the kitchen. Several of us ran into the kitchen to see Carah on the floor, the vat of boiling oil having been spilled on her legs.

A paladin by the name of Aramon immediately used Lay on Hands on Carah. I think he forgot the first step of first aid of a burn victim. Remove the victim from the source of the burn. I leaned over Carah and she latched on to me, crying in pain. Aramon grabbed her and tried to pick her up. She screamed at him to let her go, but despite her protestations, he would not. I grabbed Carah by the waist and punched Aramon in the face. Aramon left indignant, crying about how every time he tries to help people get upset. I still cannot fathom why so many paladins insist on trying to be the hero and saving people even against their will. It seems to be widespread among their kind.

I picked up Carah and took her upstairs. Teris and Jak had filled the tub with water. I shoo'd them out of the room while Karai helped me get the oil off of Carah's legs. We then peeled her stockings off and placed her in the tub to cool the burns. While she was still in pain, I could see the relief on her face. Teris had readied some pain dulling poultices, so once Carah's skin was cooled, we took her out of the tub, placed her on the bed, and applied the poultice.

I think we were able to act speedily, so as to minimize damage, Aramon's stupidity notwithstanding. I'm hoping that there won't be any scarring, but without my magic . . . it's hard to say. I'll have to keep checking in on her.

What gets me . . . is that Gaven actually insisted that I turn myself in . . . as if I did anything wrong in punching Aramon. Gaven said that Aramon's actions were attempting to be helpful, while mine were violent. As if trying to pull a screaming woman against her will away from a man she is holding onto for dear life isn't violent. Gaven said that Aramon's actions were intended to help, and that was supposed to make them ok. . . . But mine were attempting to help as well.

So . . . by that logic, and following the natural reasoning, if being helpful isn't good enough for my actions and so I did something illegal, then they weren't good enough for Aramon's actions, and he did something illegal. However, if I stopped a man from illegally accosting a woman, then I did nothing illegal. So logically speaking, there's no scenario in which my actions can be illegal. Either an attempt to help is not illegal, in which case I am fine. Or an attempt to help does not make it ok, in which case I stopped an illegal harassment of a woman.

Something good did happen, though. Ashling was able to play for Carah the song that Ashling had learned on the lute. I hope that it helped lighten Carah's mind, seeing her student's student coming along so nicely.

Now . . . today is Ashling's birthday. . . . I must focus on that.

[JustAnotherGuy]

"It is ok to get lost in one's thoughts, so long as one does not lose themselves in their thoughts."

My thoughts . . . lately they have felt dizzying with their highs and their lows. We have the bow that was needed in order to kill the giant spider. Despite the inability of some to look past their own desire for glory and to see the greater good, we were able to construct the bow with the help of the northern elves. It has been given to Nicho, and Sane will be organizing the hunting party to slay the aberration. It will be good to close this chapter of the story of the forest. So my heart was lifted by this news.

And back down, when someone asked about the posters that Niyressa had posted. I was honest with them, and told them how my home was threatened, and I wanted to help equip Nicho, who seems to have been chosen for this task. I told them how Sane had gotten the burned wood from the fire, and had given it in good faith to Lylan. I told them how the fey had asked me personally to craft the bow. I told them how we had gathered all the materials, but needed the wood back from Lylan to make the bow. And I told them how she evidently promised a pixie she would hold onto the wood until the bow was made, but actually broke that promise by not allowing the bow to be made.

I was asked about the claims that I wanted to control things, and be "The Savior". I told them I found that bit humorous, as I had very little to do with this. I let Sane and Nicho handle most of it. My part was going to be to simply do as the fey asked, and craft the bow. In the end, I didn't even do that. I did not gather the materials. I did not make the bow. And it's very likely that I will not be in the hunting party to kill the spider, though I will try to assist if I can.

My heart then rose again as I listened to Ashling practicing the lute. She is getting good at it, and her songs are not unlike the songs from home. She is playing the wolf's lullaby as I write this. Sel once told me that he liked that I seemed to be able to keep a light spirit with all that is going on. I thought then, but didn't tell him; this is what keeps me going. My dimma ranysa ein, my dark haired one. I told Carah that Ashling's songs led me home in the dark. She asked if meant that figuratively or literally. I answered . . .

Yes.

[JustAnotherGuy]

The rising and falling of my thoughts seems to continue to be a constant trend. It is amazing how fickle one's heart can be when one lends themselves to its guidance. Perhaps it is much better to remain stoic and unfeeling in all, neither the good nor the bad.

I met with Runa, and that gladdened my heart. It was good to see her and speak to her. She was more injured than I had thought, but she has fortunately found a way to remain mobile by taking to the skies to get around. It was good to hear her speaking of following the druidic path more closely. Speaking to her reminded me a bit of speaking to Iolanna, another whom I miss.

Then, as is the nature of things, my heart fell again. Betrayed by one I trusted.

"I did not mean this to be against you."
"No, this wasn't against me. This was against all of us. The strength of the pack is the wolf, and the strength of the wolf is the pack."

Ashling was so upset that I almost literally had to still her blade.

Then good news came again as we had felled the spider in the Cloakwoods. I had entrusted this task to Sane and Nicho, and they performed it. We used it as Karai's second trial, and she performed admirably as I knew she would. We then conducted her final trial, and she joined our number. Three new members in the past two moons, with a couple more expressing interest. This is reason to be glad.

Now, we look towards the future and the healing that will inevitably have to be done now that the war in the northern south is over. It will not be easy without our druidic magic, but the work must be done.

[JustAnotherGuy]

Peace has been the state of things for a while. The Enclave has been able to fortify some friendships, and begin forging new ones.

I have begun supplying House Vale with fish to aid in their efforts to feed the hungry. While I do think that the city has outgrown its own strength once again, it seems that some would see it remain in such a state. So rather than allowing a natural culling to take place, I will aid in strengthening them.

To House Marshall, the Temple of Selune, and the Halls of Inner Light, I have pledged support in helping to find lumber in a manner that will not harm nature. Fortunately, the sources of the lumber are varied and so the burden will not be borne by any single forest. In addition, the Halls and the Temple likely will not require much lumber, as they will be built of stone. The lumber will be used for the interiors.

Doron Amar. I do not have much dealings with them currently, but last I knew we were on good terms. They had asked us for help in repairing damage to their forest, and we assisted in guiding them. Otherwise, we stick to our agreement; we leave their forest in their hands unless asked for help, and they leave our forests to us.

Beorg. The name is so familiar to me, yet so foreign. Sigrid has been a good friend, and a great help. Her visions have allowed me to unlock some secrets of my past; even as they raise more questions. Beorg. My name. The name I was given at birth. My father, Stefan. Beorg; the name of an old chieftain of the Wolf Tribe. A good strong name, one that I am proud to bear. However, I am Emmanuel. It is what I have been known as for as long as I can remember. It is how I will continue to be known. But in order to pay homage and tribute to my ancestors, I will also take the name of Beorg once again. Emmanuel Beorg Venandi.

Now . . . as seasons change, I also expect peace will change. I do not worry for it, nor does it make me anxious. However, I must be prepared for it.

[JustAnotherGuy]

Dichotomy. A word used often in negative terms, especially when arguing and someone calls out a false dichotomy. However, many of us live within our own dichotomy. Two selves, equally opposed and seemingly mutually exclusive. Yet both reside within us. Often, even when one is readily seen, there are others hidden that most do not see.

Ashling lives with her dichotomy of being a city girl turned ranger. Her love for the forests, yet being comfortable in the cities.

Carah lives with her dichotomy of wishing people would leave her alone, yet being unwilling to tell them so. She cannot help but pay attention to those who are a drain on her, and yet she wishes to be free of them. Perhaps not permanently; but she wishes the freedom to tell them off on occasion, yet she is afraid to give herself that freedom.

Yashe has the dichotomy of her bloodline and wishing to do good things.

Me, I find myself once again facing my own dichotomies. Helping the city, yet living for the forest. Born a barbarian, yet being a druid. Yet foremost in my mind as I write this is the man versus the wolf. I have spoken to a few people concerning the thrill of the hunt. There is a quarry that I intend to hunt and kill. It is the right thing to do. However, I find myself excited about the prospect of hunting something so dangerous.

Some have said this is not a good thing. Some have said it is only natural. Some have said to embrace it.

In the end, I will do the right thing. Yet I must maintain my reasons for doing so. I will allow myself the thrill of the hunt. Yet I will not hunt this prey for the thrill of it; I will hunt it because it is right to do.