Journal entries will be entered retroactively)Sera's Journal
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Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Sera's Journal
((As an OOC notice, anything written in this journal and posted to the forums is considered OOC and not known by anyone except for Sera, and who she happens to share with it. Please respect this and do not use the information unless your PC knows about it IC. Any attempts to bypass this will be ignored and reported if necessary Journal entries will be entered retroactively)
Journal entries will be entered retroactively)-
Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Re: Sera's Journal
Mirtul 30th
I never thought that I would find myself writing my thoughts down in a small book, what would I even write? I've found that most of my memories are still lost to me, how many years of my life have I lost? Will I ever get them back? My mind feels like it's covered in a veil of darkness and shadows, a mist that seems to remain, steadfast and as strong as a brick wall, no matter how many times I try and break through it. The worst part is the memories that I do have, they all seem...confusing, flashes and blurs, distorted, twisted. How do I know what is real and what isn't? I'm not too sure anymore...am I going crazy?
Ashenie and I have spoken about my memories at great length, along with many other things that quite frankly make me feel uncomfortable, but she never seems to judge me or look at me like...there's something wrong with me. Her faith in Ilmater is inspiring, I never followed a faith before, not many good gods in Thay, but I think that I'm slowly coming around to understanding his ideals, little by little. It gives me some hope that the Broken God is likely watching over my child, my Mishiri, I feel like it's the only thing that's keeping me going these days, that small spark of hope.
Ashenie seems to believe that discovering what my mind is trying to hide from me would help me find Mishiri, if anything, help me come to terms with these feelings inside of me. Feelings of anger, confusion, doubt, guilt...I don't know why I feel these things, she says that there is likely a good reason for it, that traumatic events tend to make the mind do this, which doesn't fill me with much confidence. She asked if I would be willing to discuss the topic of my memories, try to "unlock" them, as she said. I was nervous, but I eventually agreed, despite how terrified I am at that thought, I'm not sure if I'm ready to face that again...
Kythorn 1st
I woke up from a pleasant sleep, laying in Oth's arms to a horrifying nightmare. I saw in my dream, I saw Kairon, the first person I ever loved, the father of my child, dying in front of me. This is one of the strongest memories I can recall, but it felt different this time. It felt like I was there, back in Thay. I felt frozen in place, gripped by fear and heartbreak as I watched the skin being ripped off his body. His screams linger in my mind like a storm cloud, following me where ever I go, screaming at me inside my mind. Everything else seems murky, my dreams, my thoughts, all veiled in shadows and...nothingness. Every time I try and think back on those memories, something pushes me away, and keeps me from remembering things clearly, each time I feel this sinking pit in my stomach as fear grips my whole body. I need to try and sleep, but sleep escapes me, how can I sleep while my mind feels like it's slowly unravelling?
Kythorn 2nd
Today I spent most of the day frantically trying to finish the song for Rose and Mathilde's wedding. I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to play for her, I'm not good enough to do this. But Rose seems to think otherwise, that one day I'm going to be the best bard on the Coast. I don't believe that, but the songwriting helps to keep me distracted, from the nightmares, from the memories. I feel guilty for writing songs, especially when Mishiri is...somewhere out there. I don't know what I would prefer really, if she was still in Thay, with the monster that took her from me, or if she was all alone somewhere., cold and afraid, but at least she wouldn't be in the clutches of a Red Wizard.
These things make me feel like a terrible mother like I'm a failure to Mishiri. I should have done better, done something more to stop her from being taken away from me. I don't even know how long it's been since I've seen her, a couple of years? Five? Ten? Ashenie keeps saying that the memories I am clearly trying to hide from myself might hold the answers, might help me find her but...I'm scared. I'm so scared of facing that again.
The last few days or so I've been having this feeling, that what I discover will be worse than what I'm feeling now. I've been thinking more about what I discussed with Edelgarde, about my shadow dancing, about...my shadow. I feel bad for Oth. Everything he's been through, his more than understandable hatred of the undead, the fact that I'm somehow more comfortable being with my shadow than I am with him sometimes. It pains me to write that, but my shadow has been with me for longer than I can remember. But then again, who knows how long that actually is?
Kythorn 3rd
The wedding's tomorrow, I'm panicking. The song is ready, I got my outfit, and I've come to accept the fact that I'm going to be performing for...so many people. Oth keeps telling me that I'll do great, he's so sweet to me, but I keep feeling that sense of guilt that fills me every day. Am I doing enough to find Mishiri? Am I allowed to do things like play at a wedding when I don't even know where my own daughter is?
She's been gone for so long, I'm not even sure anymore, which only makes me feel all the worse any time I do anything that isn't actively looking for her. But despite everything that I've discussed with Edelgarde, Ashenie, and Oth, the fact that they say it's not as simple as just...finding her, especially if she's still in Thay. It's not as simple as I want it to be. Despite all this, it doesn't help the gnawing guilt inside of me.
I just want her back...I miss her so much...
But apart from the never-ending sense of guilt and shame inside of me, I managed to slip on the mask, the same mask I wear everyday to hide the fact that I feel like I'm on the verge of just breaking down and snapping. I put on the smile, I laugh and I sing, always playing the act. No-one wants to see the tiefling crying in the corner. But despite all of these feelings inside of me, I managed to keep myself composed long enough to perform at the Festival of Tymora.
Mischa kept reminding me again and again that I was going to be performing for a lot of people, which definitely didn't help my nerves. She had suggested that I come up with a stage persona to help my nerves, to pretend to be someone else, to help me focus on just performing. I decided after a while to choose the persona of Silverbird, it matched my hair after all. As per usual, all my fears were in my head, I played my songs, I sang, I danced a little, even managed to accidentally throw an egg in Sirion's face during the egg toss contest.
I had fun, which quickly gave way to more guilt inside of me, flooding my insides, and overwhelming me, filling my heart with a sense of worthlessness. I think I've slowly managed to find my faith in Ilmater, with unwavering help from Ashenie. She's such an amazing person, an Ilmatari through and through.
She's helped me remove some of the scars on my body, the ones on my wrists from when I was chained up somewhere like a wretched animal. I also had the brand of those...vile wizards removed from my lower back. No more will I be a slave to them, in body or mind. I hate them, I HATE them! Seeing their bald heads, their hideous tattoos, their stupid red robes...
Whenever I see one, I no longer feel fear, that fear that gripped my body, caused me to run away like some frightened rabbit, sending me away with tears in my eyes. Now? The only thing I feel is rage, anger, hatred, bitter, twisted hatred. I feel something inside of me growing, something that I really don't want to give in to...
Ashenie speaks often of the value of mercy, of understanding and care. I respect her a lot, but that is not something I am capable of, not when my daughter is likely still in the vile clutches of the man who put me, and her, through so much. I often fear that one day, one of them will say something to me, allow their arrogance and pride to think them better of me and I'll just...snap. The worst thing? The idea of sneaking up to one of them and slowly slitting their throats as they choke and gurgle on their blood, as I watch the life fade from their eyes...it fills me with...joy.
What am I becoming? What am I?
I need to sleep, the weddings tomorrow but sleep escapes me. Oth is in reverie next to me, he looks peaceful tonight, usually, he seems to hate the idea of reverie but tonight, he is calm, might have something to do with me, maybe. I just wish I could achieve the same level of peace right now.
Kythorn 4th
Today is the wedding. I woke up early today, much earlier than usual. I'm nervous, so nervous. I feel sick to my stomach, why am I so worried about playing songs for my friends? I need to get ready, so much to do. Oth said he will try and be there for the wedding. I think I'll need him to help me through this, my hands are shaking as I write this. I just need to take a deep breath and I'll be fine. I will write more when I get home.
I'm finally home, what a day it's been. As usual, all the worries were in my head, it seems to be a constant thing these days. I arrived early to help set up some surprises for Rose and Mathilde, I picked up some banners for them. One for Sune, one for Chauntea, and one for Milil, setting them up outside for them to see. I pathed the way with lights of green and red, made a lot of changes, and worried about the simplest placements of the candelabras that lit the path up to where the ceremony was going to take place. Rose showed up while I was preparing, it kind of ruined the surprise but I was happy to see her. She was soon busy with preparing but I managed to give her the gift I got for her, a beautiful cello that I knew that she would make good use of. With Rose getting ready, I got changed into my dress, I was so nervous about that, considering the scars on my back. It's weird, the way people look at me sometimes when they see them, any of the scars really. They look at me with a sense of...pity, like I'm some poor little victim that needs to be looked after. I know that they probably don't mean it like that at all, and it might just be in my head, but it annoys me. Ashenie has helped me see my scars not as a reminder of what I went through, but rather as a symbol of my strength. That I somehow managed to survive and persevere such hardships, that I escaped from that cruel land of Thay. I look at the scars in the mirror sometimes, I used to hate looking at them, but now...I smile when I see them.
The ceremony was beautiful. I had been worrying a lot beforehand as I was waiting to see if Oth was going to turn up, a lot of people could tell that I was nervous, and I wasn't even the one that was getting married. My heart warmed and raced a little when I saw him walking up, I could barely contain my excitement, and my relief when I saw him. I nearly made him fall to the ground as I leaped at him to hug him, that would have been embarrassing. We took our seats and watched as Rose and Mathilde shared their vows, they are so perfect for each other. It made me wonder about what kind of future I would have with Oth, would we ever get married? Have...children of our own? I can't think like that, it's too early, and Mishiri is still out there somewhere, without me.
After the ceremony, we went to the Everwinter estate for the reception. I asked if I could play the first song for the newly married couple, I just wanted to get it out of the way really. I started to panic a little when I was called up to the stage, but Oth calmed me down. I don't know where I'd be without him, his constant kindness to me, despite his own past, I truly love him. I managed to pluck up the courage, and settled my nerves as I made my way to the stage. All eyes were on me, the stage was set, and I gave a quiet prayer to Ilmater before I played, hoping it would give me some sense of calm. As I began playing the song, I kept looking at Oth. I may have written the song for Rose and Mathilde, but it was Oth that gave me the inspiration for the song. Rose and Mathilde danced together, they were so beautiful, the whole moment will remain with me forever, the way they danced, the way they looked at each other with the truest love for one another. Once the song was over, I went to them, emotionally overwhelmed. They thanked me for the song, but I couldn't express how grateful I was to the both of them, for the opportunity, for being my friends.
After a night of dancing, singing and enjoying myself, I started to head home, back to Oth. But I knew that something needed to be done, about the veil of darkness that my memories hide behind. I stopped by the Ilmater temple, to talk to Ashenie. We arranged for me to talk to her tomorrow, to work on the memories. She warned me that it will likely be traumatic, but reassured me that everything will be okay.
I went home after this, and now I'm writing all of the days events down. I feel tired, but for once it's in a good way, today was a good day.
I never thought that I would find myself writing my thoughts down in a small book, what would I even write? I've found that most of my memories are still lost to me, how many years of my life have I lost? Will I ever get them back? My mind feels like it's covered in a veil of darkness and shadows, a mist that seems to remain, steadfast and as strong as a brick wall, no matter how many times I try and break through it. The worst part is the memories that I do have, they all seem...confusing, flashes and blurs, distorted, twisted. How do I know what is real and what isn't? I'm not too sure anymore...am I going crazy?
Ashenie and I have spoken about my memories at great length, along with many other things that quite frankly make me feel uncomfortable, but she never seems to judge me or look at me like...there's something wrong with me. Her faith in Ilmater is inspiring, I never followed a faith before, not many good gods in Thay, but I think that I'm slowly coming around to understanding his ideals, little by little. It gives me some hope that the Broken God is likely watching over my child, my Mishiri, I feel like it's the only thing that's keeping me going these days, that small spark of hope.
Ashenie seems to believe that discovering what my mind is trying to hide from me would help me find Mishiri, if anything, help me come to terms with these feelings inside of me. Feelings of anger, confusion, doubt, guilt...I don't know why I feel these things, she says that there is likely a good reason for it, that traumatic events tend to make the mind do this, which doesn't fill me with much confidence. She asked if I would be willing to discuss the topic of my memories, try to "unlock" them, as she said. I was nervous, but I eventually agreed, despite how terrified I am at that thought, I'm not sure if I'm ready to face that again...
Kythorn 1st
I woke up from a pleasant sleep, laying in Oth's arms to a horrifying nightmare. I saw in my dream, I saw Kairon, the first person I ever loved, the father of my child, dying in front of me. This is one of the strongest memories I can recall, but it felt different this time. It felt like I was there, back in Thay. I felt frozen in place, gripped by fear and heartbreak as I watched the skin being ripped off his body. His screams linger in my mind like a storm cloud, following me where ever I go, screaming at me inside my mind. Everything else seems murky, my dreams, my thoughts, all veiled in shadows and...nothingness. Every time I try and think back on those memories, something pushes me away, and keeps me from remembering things clearly, each time I feel this sinking pit in my stomach as fear grips my whole body. I need to try and sleep, but sleep escapes me, how can I sleep while my mind feels like it's slowly unravelling?
Kythorn 2nd
Today I spent most of the day frantically trying to finish the song for Rose and Mathilde's wedding. I don't know what I was thinking, agreeing to play for her, I'm not good enough to do this. But Rose seems to think otherwise, that one day I'm going to be the best bard on the Coast. I don't believe that, but the songwriting helps to keep me distracted, from the nightmares, from the memories. I feel guilty for writing songs, especially when Mishiri is...somewhere out there. I don't know what I would prefer really, if she was still in Thay, with the monster that took her from me, or if she was all alone somewhere., cold and afraid, but at least she wouldn't be in the clutches of a Red Wizard.
These things make me feel like a terrible mother like I'm a failure to Mishiri. I should have done better, done something more to stop her from being taken away from me. I don't even know how long it's been since I've seen her, a couple of years? Five? Ten? Ashenie keeps saying that the memories I am clearly trying to hide from myself might hold the answers, might help me find her but...I'm scared. I'm so scared of facing that again.
The last few days or so I've been having this feeling, that what I discover will be worse than what I'm feeling now. I've been thinking more about what I discussed with Edelgarde, about my shadow dancing, about...my shadow. I feel bad for Oth. Everything he's been through, his more than understandable hatred of the undead, the fact that I'm somehow more comfortable being with my shadow than I am with him sometimes. It pains me to write that, but my shadow has been with me for longer than I can remember. But then again, who knows how long that actually is?
Kythorn 3rd
The wedding's tomorrow, I'm panicking. The song is ready, I got my outfit, and I've come to accept the fact that I'm going to be performing for...so many people. Oth keeps telling me that I'll do great, he's so sweet to me, but I keep feeling that sense of guilt that fills me every day. Am I doing enough to find Mishiri? Am I allowed to do things like play at a wedding when I don't even know where my own daughter is?
She's been gone for so long, I'm not even sure anymore, which only makes me feel all the worse any time I do anything that isn't actively looking for her. But despite everything that I've discussed with Edelgarde, Ashenie, and Oth, the fact that they say it's not as simple as just...finding her, especially if she's still in Thay. It's not as simple as I want it to be. Despite all this, it doesn't help the gnawing guilt inside of me.
I just want her back...I miss her so much...
But apart from the never-ending sense of guilt and shame inside of me, I managed to slip on the mask, the same mask I wear everyday to hide the fact that I feel like I'm on the verge of just breaking down and snapping. I put on the smile, I laugh and I sing, always playing the act. No-one wants to see the tiefling crying in the corner. But despite all of these feelings inside of me, I managed to keep myself composed long enough to perform at the Festival of Tymora.
Mischa kept reminding me again and again that I was going to be performing for a lot of people, which definitely didn't help my nerves. She had suggested that I come up with a stage persona to help my nerves, to pretend to be someone else, to help me focus on just performing. I decided after a while to choose the persona of Silverbird, it matched my hair after all. As per usual, all my fears were in my head, I played my songs, I sang, I danced a little, even managed to accidentally throw an egg in Sirion's face during the egg toss contest.
I had fun, which quickly gave way to more guilt inside of me, flooding my insides, and overwhelming me, filling my heart with a sense of worthlessness. I think I've slowly managed to find my faith in Ilmater, with unwavering help from Ashenie. She's such an amazing person, an Ilmatari through and through.
She's helped me remove some of the scars on my body, the ones on my wrists from when I was chained up somewhere like a wretched animal. I also had the brand of those...vile wizards removed from my lower back. No more will I be a slave to them, in body or mind. I hate them, I HATE them! Seeing their bald heads, their hideous tattoos, their stupid red robes...
Whenever I see one, I no longer feel fear, that fear that gripped my body, caused me to run away like some frightened rabbit, sending me away with tears in my eyes. Now? The only thing I feel is rage, anger, hatred, bitter, twisted hatred. I feel something inside of me growing, something that I really don't want to give in to...
Ashenie speaks often of the value of mercy, of understanding and care. I respect her a lot, but that is not something I am capable of, not when my daughter is likely still in the vile clutches of the man who put me, and her, through so much. I often fear that one day, one of them will say something to me, allow their arrogance and pride to think them better of me and I'll just...snap. The worst thing? The idea of sneaking up to one of them and slowly slitting their throats as they choke and gurgle on their blood, as I watch the life fade from their eyes...it fills me with...joy.
What am I becoming? What am I?
I need to sleep, the weddings tomorrow but sleep escapes me. Oth is in reverie next to me, he looks peaceful tonight, usually, he seems to hate the idea of reverie but tonight, he is calm, might have something to do with me, maybe. I just wish I could achieve the same level of peace right now.
Kythorn 4th
Today is the wedding. I woke up early today, much earlier than usual. I'm nervous, so nervous. I feel sick to my stomach, why am I so worried about playing songs for my friends? I need to get ready, so much to do. Oth said he will try and be there for the wedding. I think I'll need him to help me through this, my hands are shaking as I write this. I just need to take a deep breath and I'll be fine. I will write more when I get home.
I'm finally home, what a day it's been. As usual, all the worries were in my head, it seems to be a constant thing these days. I arrived early to help set up some surprises for Rose and Mathilde, I picked up some banners for them. One for Sune, one for Chauntea, and one for Milil, setting them up outside for them to see. I pathed the way with lights of green and red, made a lot of changes, and worried about the simplest placements of the candelabras that lit the path up to where the ceremony was going to take place. Rose showed up while I was preparing, it kind of ruined the surprise but I was happy to see her. She was soon busy with preparing but I managed to give her the gift I got for her, a beautiful cello that I knew that she would make good use of. With Rose getting ready, I got changed into my dress, I was so nervous about that, considering the scars on my back. It's weird, the way people look at me sometimes when they see them, any of the scars really. They look at me with a sense of...pity, like I'm some poor little victim that needs to be looked after. I know that they probably don't mean it like that at all, and it might just be in my head, but it annoys me. Ashenie has helped me see my scars not as a reminder of what I went through, but rather as a symbol of my strength. That I somehow managed to survive and persevere such hardships, that I escaped from that cruel land of Thay. I look at the scars in the mirror sometimes, I used to hate looking at them, but now...I smile when I see them.
The ceremony was beautiful. I had been worrying a lot beforehand as I was waiting to see if Oth was going to turn up, a lot of people could tell that I was nervous, and I wasn't even the one that was getting married. My heart warmed and raced a little when I saw him walking up, I could barely contain my excitement, and my relief when I saw him. I nearly made him fall to the ground as I leaped at him to hug him, that would have been embarrassing. We took our seats and watched as Rose and Mathilde shared their vows, they are so perfect for each other. It made me wonder about what kind of future I would have with Oth, would we ever get married? Have...children of our own? I can't think like that, it's too early, and Mishiri is still out there somewhere, without me.
After the ceremony, we went to the Everwinter estate for the reception. I asked if I could play the first song for the newly married couple, I just wanted to get it out of the way really. I started to panic a little when I was called up to the stage, but Oth calmed me down. I don't know where I'd be without him, his constant kindness to me, despite his own past, I truly love him. I managed to pluck up the courage, and settled my nerves as I made my way to the stage. All eyes were on me, the stage was set, and I gave a quiet prayer to Ilmater before I played, hoping it would give me some sense of calm. As I began playing the song, I kept looking at Oth. I may have written the song for Rose and Mathilde, but it was Oth that gave me the inspiration for the song. Rose and Mathilde danced together, they were so beautiful, the whole moment will remain with me forever, the way they danced, the way they looked at each other with the truest love for one another. Once the song was over, I went to them, emotionally overwhelmed. They thanked me for the song, but I couldn't express how grateful I was to the both of them, for the opportunity, for being my friends.
After a night of dancing, singing and enjoying myself, I started to head home, back to Oth. But I knew that something needed to be done, about the veil of darkness that my memories hide behind. I stopped by the Ilmater temple, to talk to Ashenie. We arranged for me to talk to her tomorrow, to work on the memories. She warned me that it will likely be traumatic, but reassured me that everything will be okay.
I went home after this, and now I'm writing all of the days events down. I feel tired, but for once it's in a good way, today was a good day.
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Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Re: Sera's Journal
Kythorn 5th
I woke up earlier than normal today, filled with an overwhelming sense of panic and sickness. I barely made it to the bathroom before I was sick everywhere, thankfully I didn't disturb Oth. I never like disturbing him, it makes me feel bad. It almost makes me think he sees me as someone who needs to be looked after for everything that goes wrong. I know he means well and wants to help me, but I know that I need to start looking after myself, without anyone else doing it for me. But I can't exactly be mad at him for being there for me, on the contrary, I am forever grateful for his kindness. A small part of me thinks if I am worthy enough for him, I constantly worry that I'm not, but he reassures me every night.
I am meeting Ashenie later today, to discuss my memories, to...hopefully unlock the secrets of my own past. I'm scared, terrified really. I keep having to take quick breaks from writing this to calm my shaking hands, I don't know why I'm so nervous. Oth said he will try and be there with me if he can, but he's a very busy elf. I told him that I wouldn't think less of him if he couldn't be there, and I could see the look in his eyes of sadness and regret when he thinks he's let me down. He's never let me down so far, and I don't think he ever will.
I'm ready. I bathed for an hour, mostly to try and calm myself down, and I got dressed. I will hopefully continue writing once I get back...
I'm a monster...
Kythorn 11th
I haven't written in this book for...quite a few days now. The things that I discovered about myself...what...terrible things I did have haunted me since I met with Ashenie a few days ago. It...I don't know what to do.
Ashenie guided me through the veil of my memories, offering me support in breaking through it when I had previously been too scared to do so. It started as a trickle, with some memories surfacing, with Oth's support and Ashenies unwavering kindness. As I probed deeper, I began to lose control and that trickle soon become a flood, overwhelming me as I struggled to breathe, struggled to hold onto my sanity. It's a strange feeling, to feel like you're drowning out of water, but that's what it felt like, what it still feels like. Every day I struggle to cope with my own existence, with what I've done, and the thoughts that creep into my mind when I'm alone terrify me more than anything else.
Only a small handful of people know about my past now, about the things I had to do for Mishiri, but I would be lying if I said it was...all for her. They keep saying I'm not a monster...I hope that they are right.
Kythorn 15th
Every night, I am revisited by the memories of the past. The most vivid ones are of the last time I saw Mishiri, as she was ripped from my arms, crying, screaming as I did the same, before finding the metal gauntlet of Thayan Knight knocking me out, the start of my slow descent into madness. While the memory pains me greatly, it is also a constant reminder of what she looked like. Despite both her parents being tieflings, she thankfully possesses none of the fiendish traits that I have. I hope that this fact helps with her existence, where ever she is, not that there is much hope in that wretched, cursed land. The otherdream nightmare is the same one that has plagued and haunted me for so long, since before I arrived on the Coast, since before I met Oth and Ashenie. It's such a strange nightmare, vivid, I suppose the word is. I can almost feel his pain, as I watch over and over again, trapped in the prison of my own mind as the first person I ever loved, the father of my child is taken from me in such a painful way. Then again, considering what I discovered about him, maybe he deserved something worse than that...
Kythorn 22nd
I haven't found the time lately to write lately. My day-to-day seems to be a mix of intense panic attacks and flashbacks that cause me to break down in public, much to the confusion and concern of those around me. I've...started to "bleed shadows" as Mischa put it one time. It's such a terrible thing, to have this...being, this...power with me at all times, yet having to hide it from the world because they just wouldn't understand. There are some that do, but none of them wish to see my shadow, despite the comfort that it brings me. If I'm not slowly losing my mind, I, rather oddly, find myself in a slowly growing sense of...peace. I speak to Ashenie whenever I can, spending most of my time in the Ilmater temple. I find it...comforting to sit there,in the chapel, despite the constant feeling that I don't deserve to be there, that I should just be stricken out of life, any records of me wiped away, any memories of me...forgotten
I know it will take me time to accept what I've come to learn about myself, but at the same time, a small part of me always knew what I was. Am I a monster? Or am I just a mother who is willing to do anything for her child? Would people see the difference? Would they even care?
Flamerule 2nd
Despite the last writings in my journal, I am slowly improving my state of mind. It feels like a constant battle within my mind, and it's one that tires me so. I spoke to Oth at length, about Mishiri, about the fact that I wear a mask every day, hiding how I really feel, about people, about myself. It's a mask that weighs heavy on my soul, and yet it doesn't even exist, only in my own mind. The talk with Oth, especially about Mishiri was the first time in a long time that I was able to really...be myself, to let myself just break down into tears and not have someone judge me, or try and find out why. It was nice to just...be sad for a brief moment, to let it all out and just have someone hold me as I did so. I still wear the mask, I need to, if I don't, then I'll risk snapping at people, losing people in my life. I've already lost so much, I can't lose much more. On the plus side, I've slowly managed to see the Red Wizards in this region for what they truly are. They are nothing more than rats, scrambling like frightened animals under the false guise of authority as they clutch to crumbs of power, they're a joke. There is no longer fear, there isn't even...anger, there's only...amusement. But I cannot let my guard down around them, I need to learn more, learn what makes them tick, what magic they use, just in case...
I woke up earlier than normal today, filled with an overwhelming sense of panic and sickness. I barely made it to the bathroom before I was sick everywhere, thankfully I didn't disturb Oth. I never like disturbing him, it makes me feel bad. It almost makes me think he sees me as someone who needs to be looked after for everything that goes wrong. I know he means well and wants to help me, but I know that I need to start looking after myself, without anyone else doing it for me. But I can't exactly be mad at him for being there for me, on the contrary, I am forever grateful for his kindness. A small part of me thinks if I am worthy enough for him, I constantly worry that I'm not, but he reassures me every night.
I am meeting Ashenie later today, to discuss my memories, to...hopefully unlock the secrets of my own past. I'm scared, terrified really. I keep having to take quick breaks from writing this to calm my shaking hands, I don't know why I'm so nervous. Oth said he will try and be there with me if he can, but he's a very busy elf. I told him that I wouldn't think less of him if he couldn't be there, and I could see the look in his eyes of sadness and regret when he thinks he's let me down. He's never let me down so far, and I don't think he ever will.
I'm ready. I bathed for an hour, mostly to try and calm myself down, and I got dressed. I will hopefully continue writing once I get back...
I'm a monster...
Kythorn 11th
I haven't written in this book for...quite a few days now. The things that I discovered about myself...what...terrible things I did have haunted me since I met with Ashenie a few days ago. It...I don't know what to do.
Ashenie guided me through the veil of my memories, offering me support in breaking through it when I had previously been too scared to do so. It started as a trickle, with some memories surfacing, with Oth's support and Ashenies unwavering kindness. As I probed deeper, I began to lose control and that trickle soon become a flood, overwhelming me as I struggled to breathe, struggled to hold onto my sanity. It's a strange feeling, to feel like you're drowning out of water, but that's what it felt like, what it still feels like. Every day I struggle to cope with my own existence, with what I've done, and the thoughts that creep into my mind when I'm alone terrify me more than anything else.
Only a small handful of people know about my past now, about the things I had to do for Mishiri, but I would be lying if I said it was...all for her. They keep saying I'm not a monster...I hope that they are right.
Kythorn 15th
Every night, I am revisited by the memories of the past. The most vivid ones are of the last time I saw Mishiri, as she was ripped from my arms, crying, screaming as I did the same, before finding the metal gauntlet of Thayan Knight knocking me out, the start of my slow descent into madness. While the memory pains me greatly, it is also a constant reminder of what she looked like. Despite both her parents being tieflings, she thankfully possesses none of the fiendish traits that I have. I hope that this fact helps with her existence, where ever she is, not that there is much hope in that wretched, cursed land. The other
Kythorn 22nd
I haven't found the time lately to write lately. My day-to-day seems to be a mix of intense panic attacks and flashbacks that cause me to break down in public, much to the confusion and concern of those around me. I've...started to "bleed shadows" as Mischa put it one time. It's such a terrible thing, to have this...being, this...power with me at all times, yet having to hide it from the world because they just wouldn't understand. There are some that do, but none of them wish to see my shadow, despite the comfort that it brings me. If I'm not slowly losing my mind, I, rather oddly, find myself in a slowly growing sense of...peace. I speak to Ashenie whenever I can, spending most of my time in the Ilmater temple. I find it...comforting to sit there,
I know it will take me time to accept what I've come to learn about myself, but at the same time, a small part of me always knew what I was. Am I a monster? Or am I just a mother who is willing to do anything for her child? Would people see the difference? Would they even care?
Flamerule 2nd
Despite the last writings in my journal, I am slowly improving my state of mind. It feels like a constant battle within my mind, and it's one that tires me so. I spoke to Oth at length, about Mishiri, about the fact that I wear a mask every day, hiding how I really feel, about people, about myself. It's a mask that weighs heavy on my soul, and yet it doesn't even exist, only in my own mind. The talk with Oth, especially about Mishiri was the first time in a long time that I was able to really...be myself, to let myself just break down into tears and not have someone judge me, or try and find out why. It was nice to just...be sad for a brief moment, to let it all out and just have someone hold me as I did so. I still wear the mask, I need to, if I don't, then I'll risk snapping at people, losing people in my life. I've already lost so much, I can't lose much more. On the plus side, I've slowly managed to see the Red Wizards in this region for what they truly are. They are nothing more than rats, scrambling like frightened animals under the false guise of authority as they clutch to crumbs of power, they're a joke. There is no longer fear, there isn't even...anger, there's only...amusement. But I cannot let my guard down around them, I need to learn more, learn what makes them tick, what magic they use, just in case...
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Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Re: Sera's Journal
Flamerule 4th
Today has been...a strange day.
It started out like any other. I woke up, somewhat rested and I set about my daily routine. I made the bed, tidied up anything that needed to be done, and then sat and worked on my songs for a while. I find that when I have something to distract me, I can get through the days a little easier, but it still doesn't stop me from thinking about all the things I could be doing to get Mishiri back. It's not that simple, they keep saying, but they don't understand, it's not their daughter who is in a cruel and horrible land, so it would be easier for them to say "It's not that simple"
After I distracted myself enough, I went for a walk. I decided to visit the Friendly Arm Inn like I usually do, I find it a nice place to sit, write songs and just meet the many different kinds of people that wander by, even if most of the time I am reluctant to initiate the conversation. I saw Woodsie, that's not her real name I assume, but I never really asked. She always seemed guarded about everything, but I can understand that myself, so I never really pried. She has always been nice to me, often leaving me gems and the like from the shadows, so when I saw her bandaged face under the mask and how she seemed to be today, I was concerned, and I asked her what was wrong.
She seemed as guarded as ever, and asked if we could go somewhere private. A lot of people seem to be cautious around Woodsie, but I felt no such caution, or fear when around her. She has shown me nothing but kindness, in her own way I suppose. I teleported us both to Nashkel and from there...we ran. It was so fun, and exhilarating, to just be running, as fast as I could without feeling the moment that I stopped, I would be snatched away by something. We traveled to Eldath's grove, I always loved it there. I still remember the first time Oth took me there, that's actually where we spend an evening, the night I realised that my feelings for him were more than just...friendly.
Woodsie and I sat down by a hidden stream within the grove and I felt a wave of calm and peace washing over me as I dipped my feet into the cooling waters. Woodsie and I talked, about a lot of things, about my faith, and about ...my feelings regarding the Red Wizards. She asked me a lot of...questions that gave me conflicting emotions. On the one hand, Ilmater values mercy and kindness, and while I try to pass these things on to other people, whenever I see a Red Wizard, I just want to do...such terrible things to them, cruel, horrible things. But Woodsie told me to make no excuse for cruelty, that holding onto my anger and bitterness would not help me. I know she's right, but it's hard for me to do that, it's not something that I can just wake up one day and be free of the rage inside of me, I suppose in time, perhaps I will be at peace.
Woodsie spoke of herself a little, and while I have some thoughts regarding her identity, I realized that it never really mattered. I've been judged for my heritage, why should I judge hers, despite the many things I've heard? It would pain me too much to write what we spoke of, but I fear for her, a person of her kindness, subjected to a terrible fate, and yet, she seems at peace with the matter, I wonder if I could achieve such a peace, when my end comes.
Flamerule 9th
It is late as I'm writing this, I just returned from Roaringshore, a place that I loathe to visit on the obvious account of it being a pirate town. But I wanted to speak to Rose, it had been a while since I had seen her really. When she arrived, she seemed flustered but I suppose I would be too if I was wearing a short skirt in a coastal town full of criminals, but Rose is more than capable enough to handle such. We spoke a little, of the changes in our lives, and after a while, she told me something, something that I am still thinking about now. She first made me promise not to ask where she got the information, which already put me on edge, she had never asked something like that of me before, but I agreed. She then told me she had received a report, regarding Mishiri, that she was alive, a slave still in Thay, but alive. I was filled with conflicting emotions, anger, happiness, betrayal, and gratitude, but most of all I was just stunned for a few moments. My mind immediately jumped to thinking about how she could have gotten that sort of information, and as much as I love Rose as a friend, my mind jumped to her getting the information from Red Wizards.
Whether that is true or not, it doesn't change the fact that I feel...all these emotions inside of me, just raging away, it feels like I'm burning alive. But at least I know Mishiri is still alive...Gods...
I need a drink.
Flamerule 10th
I met with Ashenie today, she was out gathering herbs for her duties, she's such a dutiful woman, and I hope that one day I can reach that level of peace and inner calm that she carries every day. I spoke to her again about the nightmares that plague my dreams, they are getting better, and easier to deal with but I still have the same nightmare, over and over again. I want them to end, I want to be able to sleep soundly at night without hearing the screams. Ashenie believes that I need to face the cause of my nightmares and that there might be feelings of guilt regarding Kairon's death. Could I have done more to help him? Not very likely, considering that I could barely run in the state I was in. I still get flashbacks from time to time, remembering the way the whips bit into my flesh, ripping it apart, and leaving their marks on my back. But while I may have accepted the scars on my back as a symbol of my strength, the mere sight or sound of a whip cracking causes me to tense up, and flinch and for the briefest of moments, I'm back in that cold, dark room again. I also spoke to Ashenie regarding the news that Rose had given me, the mixed feelings about finding out something about Mishiri versus the possibility that she got it from a source that she knew would annoy me. I still don't know how to feel about it, but I suppose I can let it slide, as I doubt Rose did it with malicious intent.
On the subject of Mishiri, I expressed more of my fears on the possibility of Mishiri not wanting anything to do with me,if I get her back when I get her back. It's not a thought I really want to think about too much, but I know it is one that I NEED to consider. I haven't seen her in five years, and for all I know, Mishiri could think I'm dead, or she might think I abandoned her, or worse, she just might not care about me at all. I find myself on the brink of tears if I think about it too much, the mere thought of my beautiful daughter not caring whether I live or not, it's almost too much to bare. I am happy and beyond lucky to have met Ashenie, I don't know if I could have made it this far without her. Perhaps I would have kept moving, left the Gate in search of another place to call my home for a few moons, then move again. I am happy that is not the case, as I have met so many good people here, most of all of which is Oth. Ashenie gave me some chamomile tea to see if it helps with the nightmares, I hope that it does, my eyes grow heavier by the day.
Today has been...a strange day.
It started out like any other. I woke up, somewhat rested and I set about my daily routine. I made the bed, tidied up anything that needed to be done, and then sat and worked on my songs for a while. I find that when I have something to distract me, I can get through the days a little easier, but it still doesn't stop me from thinking about all the things I could be doing to get Mishiri back. It's not that simple, they keep saying, but they don't understand, it's not their daughter who is in a cruel and horrible land, so it would be easier for them to say "It's not that simple"
After I distracted myself enough, I went for a walk. I decided to visit the Friendly Arm Inn like I usually do, I find it a nice place to sit, write songs and just meet the many different kinds of people that wander by, even if most of the time I am reluctant to initiate the conversation. I saw Woodsie, that's not her real name I assume, but I never really asked. She always seemed guarded about everything, but I can understand that myself, so I never really pried. She has always been nice to me, often leaving me gems and the like from the shadows, so when I saw her bandaged face under the mask and how she seemed to be today, I was concerned, and I asked her what was wrong.
She seemed as guarded as ever, and asked if we could go somewhere private. A lot of people seem to be cautious around Woodsie, but I felt no such caution, or fear when around her. She has shown me nothing but kindness, in her own way I suppose. I teleported us both to Nashkel and from there...we ran. It was so fun, and exhilarating, to just be running, as fast as I could without feeling the moment that I stopped, I would be snatched away by something. We traveled to Eldath's grove, I always loved it there. I still remember the first time Oth took me there, that's actually where we spend an evening, the night I realised that my feelings for him were more than just...friendly.
Woodsie and I sat down by a hidden stream within the grove and I felt a wave of calm and peace washing over me as I dipped my feet into the cooling waters. Woodsie and I talked, about a lot of things, about my faith, and about ...my feelings regarding the Red Wizards. She asked me a lot of...questions that gave me conflicting emotions. On the one hand, Ilmater values mercy and kindness, and while I try to pass these things on to other people, whenever I see a Red Wizard, I just want to do...such terrible things to them, cruel, horrible things. But Woodsie told me to make no excuse for cruelty, that holding onto my anger and bitterness would not help me. I know she's right, but it's hard for me to do that, it's not something that I can just wake up one day and be free of the rage inside of me, I suppose in time, perhaps I will be at peace.
Woodsie spoke of herself a little, and while I have some thoughts regarding her identity, I realized that it never really mattered. I've been judged for my heritage, why should I judge hers, despite the many things I've heard? It would pain me too much to write what we spoke of, but I fear for her, a person of her kindness, subjected to a terrible fate, and yet, she seems at peace with the matter, I wonder if I could achieve such a peace, when my end comes.
Flamerule 9th
It is late as I'm writing this, I just returned from Roaringshore, a place that I loathe to visit on the obvious account of it being a pirate town. But I wanted to speak to Rose, it had been a while since I had seen her really. When she arrived, she seemed flustered but I suppose I would be too if I was wearing a short skirt in a coastal town full of criminals, but Rose is more than capable enough to handle such. We spoke a little, of the changes in our lives, and after a while, she told me something, something that I am still thinking about now. She first made me promise not to ask where she got the information, which already put me on edge, she had never asked something like that of me before, but I agreed. She then told me she had received a report, regarding Mishiri, that she was alive, a slave still in Thay, but alive. I was filled with conflicting emotions, anger, happiness, betrayal, and gratitude, but most of all I was just stunned for a few moments. My mind immediately jumped to thinking about how she could have gotten that sort of information, and as much as I love Rose as a friend, my mind jumped to her getting the information from Red Wizards.
Whether that is true or not, it doesn't change the fact that I feel...all these emotions inside of me, just raging away, it feels like I'm burning alive. But at least I know Mishiri is still alive...Gods...
I need a drink.
Flamerule 10th
I met with Ashenie today, she was out gathering herbs for her duties, she's such a dutiful woman, and I hope that one day I can reach that level of peace and inner calm that she carries every day. I spoke to her again about the nightmares that plague my dreams, they are getting better, and easier to deal with but I still have the same nightmare, over and over again. I want them to end, I want to be able to sleep soundly at night without hearing the screams. Ashenie believes that I need to face the cause of my nightmares and that there might be feelings of guilt regarding Kairon's death. Could I have done more to help him? Not very likely, considering that I could barely run in the state I was in. I still get flashbacks from time to time, remembering the way the whips bit into my flesh, ripping it apart, and leaving their marks on my back. But while I may have accepted the scars on my back as a symbol of my strength, the mere sight or sound of a whip cracking causes me to tense up, and flinch and for the briefest of moments, I'm back in that cold, dark room again. I also spoke to Ashenie regarding the news that Rose had given me, the mixed feelings about finding out something about Mishiri versus the possibility that she got it from a source that she knew would annoy me. I still don't know how to feel about it, but I suppose I can let it slide, as I doubt Rose did it with malicious intent.
On the subject of Mishiri, I expressed more of my fears on the possibility of Mishiri not wanting anything to do with me,
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Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Re: Sera's Journal
Flamerule 15th
I found myself in Soubar, of all places, today. It's funny, I've always heard horrible things about the place, so much so that it had affected my own opinion and feelings on the matter. I must say, my first impression, the one that I made with my own eyes and more so, my nose, was not good. It looked like a dung heap that someone had decided to try and build a town on it. But nevertheless, I was there and I didn't want to waste the time it took me to get there, I was looking for several things. At first, I was looking for some...particular scrolls, along with a ring that would help me in the times to come, bolster my reflexes and my already nimble nature, why not double down on what I'm good at. Though I will need to look into protecting my mind from spells, it's never been something that I was good at, but considering that at one point my mind was broken, and fractured, it makes a little sense.
While I was perusing the stalls and the merchant's wares, I felt like there were constant eyes watching me, to be expected, I find myself watched all the time back in the Gate, of course, whether I am actually being watched is another story. I noticed a masked figure, rather similar to myself, just standing there. She eventually asked me if there was something I was looking for. Drow are...curious to me. Widely feared and hated, from everything I'd heard, and despite the friendly interaction, I was wary and cautious, and at the same time, this one was nothing but kind to me, at least, in her own way I suppose.
While she didn't possess what I was looking for, she still offered to keep looking, and then she offered me a drink in the tavern. I was...hesitant at first, but I've started to find out things for myself, rather than relying on other people to tell me. I know of many people in the south that would look at me with suspicion if they saw me, drinking with a drow in Soubar, but there was no ulterior motive, at least from me. I was there for a reason, and someone offered me help and then hospitality, I would feel bad for turning down the offer. While it is not on the same level, I feel some similarities between me and her, we're both feared or hated for what we are, and not who we are, although in my case, it is much less so, but still, a thing I have to deal with, in the so-called civilised south. After some time, I made my way back home, but I could still feel like there were eyes watching me everywhere I went. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who can disappear into the shadows.
Flamerule 17th
Today has been...I don't think there are any words that can truly explain or describe how odd my life can be sometimes on the coast but I will do my best. It was just after noon, the city seemed quiet, so I decided to visit Blunt, sell a few things and peruse his wares, before sitting nearby and working on my story for the children at the upcoming festival. Some time passed and I was making some good progress, and then I noticed someone standing in front of me, watching me. My initial thought was, oh great, another person staring at me and about to make a crass comment about me being a devil or something evil. But it turned out to be something even more bizarre. The man listened to my latest run-through of the song as I listened to the rhythm and the melody, tweaking and fine-tuning it. He clapped and smiled and I offered a friendly smile in return.
He then introduced himself as a Harper, which I thought was bizarre as I always thought they were meant to be a secretive organisation, but I guess he trusted me. He began to tell me about some of the people he was working with, people I knew, though I had no idea where he was going with his words. He eventually asked for my help, or more accurately, he wanted me to meet someone. I was sceptical but I like to think myself capable of defending myself in case things went wrong, so I agreed. I was told to meet this person within the grove of Eldath's shrine, a place I have been before, so I gathered some food and water for the trip and I made my way there.
As always, I found myself washed over with a sense of peace and calm when I entered the grove, I smiled at the many creatures that lived there, and a part of me wondered if I should just move to the grove, and live a life of serenity and calm. I waited by the pool for some time, finding myself in an almost meditative state, when I suddenly heard heavy, booming footsteps. I quickly gathered my sense and prepared for the worst. The worst, in this case, was a gigantic bronze dragon, or at least, I assume it was a bronze dragon. I pretty much knew that I had no chance at victory here, so I tried to slowly move away. The dragon merely roared out a chuckle to me, a laugh that shook my entire being. First, the dragon seemed to be threatening to eat me, and once he discovered I was a tiefling, he declared that I would make a "spicy meal" for him, which...I'm not sure how to feel about really.
I put on the bravest mask I could think of, but whether it worked or he saw through it, I'll never know. The dragon gave me a choice, I hate these kinds of choices, I've had to make enough of them in my life. He said I could either help someone, a necromancer with whatever foul deeds he needed doing, or I could die. I chose death that day, standing defiantly against a dragon that could destroy me in any way he saw fit, but I would rather die than help a wizard bring death and pain to others. The dragon rumbled a laugh at me and then, before my very eyes, it turned into something different. I now stood before the guardian of the grove, a unicorn. I had heard so many things about unicorns, their beauty, and their kindness, and as I stood there in front of the majestic creature, I found myself lost for words. Liana, as she introduced herself, asked for my help, and I then realised that she was testing me, trying to see what kind of person I was. She spoke of a slanted tower being built on a small beach near Candlekeep, something that I had heard of before but never really took a vested interest in. She told me to look into the water in the pool behind me and I did.
The things I saw in the reflection...I cannot write them down, but it was a possible future of what may come to pass if this tower is completed and if the wizards and mages building it are able to go ahead with whatever plan they have in the making. I told Liana I would help her as best as I could, but I am not a wizard or a mighty paladin, I'm just a tiefling who can hide in the shadows, and I am very limited in what I can do. She spotted my lute and asked me if I was a bard, and even then I was less than what she would have expected. But she made a request of me, to spread the news of this slanted tower to people, to make them aware of what is happening, of the potential dangers it presented, I hope that I can be the one to do such a thing. Liana offered me a reward before I went, but despite her offers of gold and the like, there was only one thing I wanted, and I doubt that even she could have brought her back to me. Instead, I asked for her kindness to be passed on to those that needed it, something for the orphanage, perhaps. I could feel the warmth of Ilmater watching over me, or maybe it was her, but regardless, I felt calm, and happy in that short moment. The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by four small cats. I was...the most confused I had ever been, but Liana said to bring the cats to the orphanage, to give the children something to keep them company. I smiled and gathered the cats, which was harder than expected with four of them. I thanked Liana for her words and her presence and made to return to the city.
She stopped me, she knew it was a long journey back to the Gate and instead offered me a way back. Before I could accept or refuse her offer, I heard a loud screech from above. I looked up and despite my initial instinct to hide and defend myself, I could only watch as a giant eagle landed in front of me. I was speechless, I had never seen one before, and when Liana said I could fly back on the eagle, I was...excited. I scrambled over to it and it helped me up onto it's back. I had no idea how I would even hold onto it, what with the cats and all, but before I could even think of that, I found myself clinging onto the eagle as it suddenly flew into the sky. My breath was taken from me as I found myself amongst the clouds, as I felt the wind wash over me. I didn't dare look down at that moment and despite my heart racing and beating so fast that I thought it would explode, it was exhilarating! I wonder what Blunt must have thought when his small smithy and store were suddenly covered in dust from a giant eagle landing in front of it. I slid off the eagle and landed on solid ground, still unable to gather my thoughts of what had just happened. My hair was a mess, the cats were crawling all over me, and all I could do was give a goofy smile to the eagle as it flew off. Today was...truly, a strange day, but it was a good one.
I found myself in Soubar, of all places, today. It's funny, I've always heard horrible things about the place, so much so that it had affected my own opinion and feelings on the matter. I must say, my first impression, the one that I made with my own eyes and more so, my nose, was not good. It looked like a dung heap that someone had decided to try and build a town on it. But nevertheless, I was there and I didn't want to waste the time it took me to get there, I was looking for several things. At first, I was looking for some...particular scrolls, along with a ring that would help me in the times to come, bolster my reflexes and my already nimble nature, why not double down on what I'm good at. Though I will need to look into protecting my mind from spells, it's never been something that I was good at, but considering that at one point my mind was broken, and fractured, it makes a little sense.
While I was perusing the stalls and the merchant's wares, I felt like there were constant eyes watching me, to be expected, I find myself watched all the time back in the Gate, of course, whether I am actually being watched is another story. I noticed a masked figure, rather similar to myself, just standing there. She eventually asked me if there was something I was looking for. Drow are...curious to me. Widely feared and hated, from everything I'd heard, and despite the friendly interaction, I was wary and cautious, and at the same time, this one was nothing but kind to me, at least, in her own way I suppose.
While she didn't possess what I was looking for, she still offered to keep looking, and then she offered me a drink in the tavern. I was...hesitant at first, but I've started to find out things for myself, rather than relying on other people to tell me. I know of many people in the south that would look at me with suspicion if they saw me, drinking with a drow in Soubar, but there was no ulterior motive, at least from me. I was there for a reason, and someone offered me help and then hospitality, I would feel bad for turning down the offer. While it is not on the same level, I feel some similarities between me and her, we're both feared or hated for what we are, and not who we are, although in my case, it is much less so, but still, a thing I have to deal with, in the so-called civilised south. After some time, I made my way back home, but I could still feel like there were eyes watching me everywhere I went. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who can disappear into the shadows.
Flamerule 17th
Today has been...I don't think there are any words that can truly explain or describe how odd my life can be sometimes on the coast but I will do my best. It was just after noon, the city seemed quiet, so I decided to visit Blunt, sell a few things and peruse his wares, before sitting nearby and working on my story for the children at the upcoming festival. Some time passed and I was making some good progress, and then I noticed someone standing in front of me, watching me. My initial thought was, oh great, another person staring at me and about to make a crass comment about me being a devil or something evil. But it turned out to be something even more bizarre. The man listened to my latest run-through of the song as I listened to the rhythm and the melody, tweaking and fine-tuning it. He clapped and smiled and I offered a friendly smile in return.
He then introduced himself as a Harper, which I thought was bizarre as I always thought they were meant to be a secretive organisation, but I guess he trusted me. He began to tell me about some of the people he was working with, people I knew, though I had no idea where he was going with his words. He eventually asked for my help, or more accurately, he wanted me to meet someone. I was sceptical but I like to think myself capable of defending myself in case things went wrong, so I agreed. I was told to meet this person within the grove of Eldath's shrine, a place I have been before, so I gathered some food and water for the trip and I made my way there.
As always, I found myself washed over with a sense of peace and calm when I entered the grove, I smiled at the many creatures that lived there, and a part of me wondered if I should just move to the grove, and live a life of serenity and calm. I waited by the pool for some time, finding myself in an almost meditative state, when I suddenly heard heavy, booming footsteps. I quickly gathered my sense and prepared for the worst. The worst, in this case, was a gigantic bronze dragon, or at least, I assume it was a bronze dragon. I pretty much knew that I had no chance at victory here, so I tried to slowly move away. The dragon merely roared out a chuckle to me, a laugh that shook my entire being. First, the dragon seemed to be threatening to eat me, and once he discovered I was a tiefling, he declared that I would make a "spicy meal" for him, which...I'm not sure how to feel about really.
I put on the bravest mask I could think of, but whether it worked or he saw through it, I'll never know. The dragon gave me a choice, I hate these kinds of choices, I've had to make enough of them in my life. He said I could either help someone, a necromancer with whatever foul deeds he needed doing, or I could die. I chose death that day, standing defiantly against a dragon that could destroy me in any way he saw fit, but I would rather die than help a wizard bring death and pain to others. The dragon rumbled a laugh at me and then, before my very eyes, it turned into something different. I now stood before the guardian of the grove, a unicorn. I had heard so many things about unicorns, their beauty, and their kindness, and as I stood there in front of the majestic creature, I found myself lost for words. Liana, as she introduced herself, asked for my help, and I then realised that she was testing me, trying to see what kind of person I was. She spoke of a slanted tower being built on a small beach near Candlekeep, something that I had heard of before but never really took a vested interest in. She told me to look into the water in the pool behind me and I did.
The things I saw in the reflection...I cannot write them down, but it was a possible future of what may come to pass if this tower is completed and if the wizards and mages building it are able to go ahead with whatever plan they have in the making. I told Liana I would help her as best as I could, but I am not a wizard or a mighty paladin, I'm just a tiefling who can hide in the shadows, and I am very limited in what I can do. She spotted my lute and asked me if I was a bard, and even then I was less than what she would have expected. But she made a request of me, to spread the news of this slanted tower to people, to make them aware of what is happening, of the potential dangers it presented, I hope that I can be the one to do such a thing. Liana offered me a reward before I went, but despite her offers of gold and the like, there was only one thing I wanted, and I doubt that even she could have brought her back to me. Instead, I asked for her kindness to be passed on to those that needed it, something for the orphanage, perhaps. I could feel the warmth of Ilmater watching over me, or maybe it was her, but regardless, I felt calm, and happy in that short moment. The next thing I knew, I was surrounded by four small cats. I was...the most confused I had ever been, but Liana said to bring the cats to the orphanage, to give the children something to keep them company. I smiled and gathered the cats, which was harder than expected with four of them. I thanked Liana for her words and her presence and made to return to the city.
She stopped me, she knew it was a long journey back to the Gate and instead offered me a way back. Before I could accept or refuse her offer, I heard a loud screech from above. I looked up and despite my initial instinct to hide and defend myself, I could only watch as a giant eagle landed in front of me. I was speechless, I had never seen one before, and when Liana said I could fly back on the eagle, I was...excited. I scrambled over to it and it helped me up onto it's back. I had no idea how I would even hold onto it, what with the cats and all, but before I could even think of that, I found myself clinging onto the eagle as it suddenly flew into the sky. My breath was taken from me as I found myself amongst the clouds, as I felt the wind wash over me. I didn't dare look down at that moment and despite my heart racing and beating so fast that I thought it would explode, it was exhilarating! I wonder what Blunt must have thought when his small smithy and store were suddenly covered in dust from a giant eagle landing in front of it. I slid off the eagle and landed on solid ground, still unable to gather my thoughts of what had just happened. My hair was a mess, the cats were crawling all over me, and all I could do was give a goofy smile to the eagle as it flew off. Today was...truly, a strange day, but it was a good one.
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Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Re: Sera's Journal
Flamerule 29th
It has been a while since I have written in the journal, I have been so busy lately with preparing for the festival of the gods, looking into plans to get Mishiri back, so much so that I've littered my bedroom with scrunched-up pieces of paper. It seems like it should be a very simple plan, to find Mishiri and just bring her back, but as I have realized, there is no such thing as just a simple solution on the Sword Coast. I have a lot of time at the Ilmater temple, looking out for Ashenie. I was told that she had performed...well, the only way I can describe it is a miracle, to be honest. She told me of servants of the Mistress of Pain, inflicting their cruel harm on others, even children. When Ashenie told me that, I felt a rage boiling inside of me, quickly filling me as I struggled to hold myself together. All I wanted to do was go out, find the ones that would do such a thing, and show them the true meaning of pain. But, that would not be Ilmater's teachings, even though he is said to be able to forgive such...evil. But I am not a god, I am a mother, a mother who would do whatever it takes to protect her child.
Ashenie was greatly drained from performing her miracle, though she said she was without pain, I could see how deeply it affected her. She could barely walk and there were times when I thought she had just stopped breathing. It weighs on her heavily, but it is her calling in life, and I have to trust her, and just be there to help her out. Declan of House Marshall has been visiting a lot, patrolling the area around the temple, an act that I will forever be grateful for.
I got ready for the festival, I was nervous as always, but yet I don't know why. I perform all the time for people around campfires and the like, but the idea of a planned performance just makes my stomach turn with nerves. First I went to the Mystran temple for the mage duels, just to watch, and of course, a Red Wizard turned up. He kept pretending to be nice, but I am not a fool, not like the others, I can see through their fake smiles and sniveling compliments. During the duels, Maevyn and Declan arrived, it was not a happy arrival. It turned out that one of Maevyn's brothers of the faith had been killed by the followers of the Lady of loss, and she was devastated. I tried to offer my help, but Maevyn turned me away. I'm not sure if it's because my faith is not of hers or if she still doesn't trust me, but there is not much I can do.
After the duels, I headed off early to make sure the preparations for my performance were good. I waited for everyone to arrive and despite my...disdain for the idea of playing for a Red Wizard in the crowd, I pushed through. I managed to play two songs before Sister Rachel came up to me, telling me that there had been a mix-up with the planning and that the children were asleep, so I had to stop playing. I was initially upset and tried to find a solution to the problem, for which Rachel suggested I play inside the temple. I shepherded everyone inside and continued playing there. It went well, and thankfully the Red Wizard did not deem to insult the temple with his foul presence. Once the last chord was strummed, the last line had been sung, I asked for donations to be made to the temple, and I was surprised to receive such a large amount of gold to give to Ashenie.
I often wonder if I am a good person. On the one hand, I try and help people, even if I do not know them. I never expect anything in return, I just want to help people, because I know what it is like to be in a terrible situation, and what I would have given for something to help me. But there is also the anger and rage I hold inside of me, at Red Wizards, at people who have wronged me. While my friends, especially Alexander keep saying that they have faith in me, I worry often that I will let them down. I can do better, I have to be better.
It has been a while since I have written in the journal, I have been so busy lately with preparing for the festival of the gods, looking into plans to get Mishiri back, so much so that I've littered my bedroom with scrunched-up pieces of paper. It seems like it should be a very simple plan, to find Mishiri and just bring her back, but as I have realized, there is no such thing as just a simple solution on the Sword Coast. I have a lot of time at the Ilmater temple, looking out for Ashenie. I was told that she had performed...well, the only way I can describe it is a miracle, to be honest. She told me of servants of the Mistress of Pain, inflicting their cruel harm on others, even children. When Ashenie told me that, I felt a rage boiling inside of me, quickly filling me as I struggled to hold myself together. All I wanted to do was go out, find the ones that would do such a thing, and show them the true meaning of pain. But, that would not be Ilmater's teachings, even though he is said to be able to forgive such...evil. But I am not a god, I am a mother, a mother who would do whatever it takes to protect her child.
Ashenie was greatly drained from performing her miracle, though she said she was without pain, I could see how deeply it affected her. She could barely walk and there were times when I thought she had just stopped breathing. It weighs on her heavily, but it is her calling in life, and I have to trust her, and just be there to help her out. Declan of House Marshall has been visiting a lot, patrolling the area around the temple, an act that I will forever be grateful for.
I got ready for the festival, I was nervous as always, but yet I don't know why. I perform all the time for people around campfires and the like, but the idea of a planned performance just makes my stomach turn with nerves. First I went to the Mystran temple for the mage duels, just to watch, and of course, a Red Wizard turned up. He kept pretending to be nice, but I am not a fool, not like the others, I can see through their fake smiles and sniveling compliments. During the duels, Maevyn and Declan arrived, it was not a happy arrival. It turned out that one of Maevyn's brothers of the faith had been killed by the followers of the Lady of loss, and she was devastated. I tried to offer my help, but Maevyn turned me away. I'm not sure if it's because my faith is not of hers or if she still doesn't trust me, but there is not much I can do.
After the duels, I headed off early to make sure the preparations for my performance were good. I waited for everyone to arrive and despite my...disdain for the idea of playing for a Red Wizard in the crowd, I pushed through. I managed to play two songs before Sister Rachel came up to me, telling me that there had been a mix-up with the planning and that the children were asleep, so I had to stop playing. I was initially upset and tried to find a solution to the problem, for which Rachel suggested I play inside the temple. I shepherded everyone inside and continued playing there. It went well, and thankfully the Red Wizard did not deem to insult the temple with his foul presence. Once the last chord was strummed, the last line had been sung, I asked for donations to be made to the temple, and I was surprised to receive such a large amount of gold to give to Ashenie.
I often wonder if I am a good person. On the one hand, I try and help people, even if I do not know them. I never expect anything in return, I just want to help people, because I know what it is like to be in a terrible situation, and what I would have given for something to help me. But there is also the anger and rage I hold inside of me, at Red Wizards, at people who have wronged me. While my friends, especially Alexander keep saying that they have faith in me, I worry often that I will let them down. I can do better, I have to be better.
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Mr J1991
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Sun Nov 20, 2022 11:28 pm
Re: Sera's Journal
Eleasis 4th
Its my birthday today. Thirty three years. It doesn't feel like that all. It feels like my life has been rushing by, a frantic blur that I missed in a blink of an eye. It's hard to remember when I was younger, when I spent my days running around the marketplaces, a head covering concealing my horns, my tail wrapped around my waist to hide what I was. As long as I didn't look anyone in their eyes, it usually worked out fine, not that I ever did such a thing of course, I was too busy running from merchants after stealing some of their products. At the time, I never really thought about it, I was just doing what I had to do to survive, but looking back on it, I feel bad, for rhe merchants and their livelihoods I stole from. I stole a lot, and I was good at it, though there were still moments when my sneakiness wasn't enough, which is why I enjoyed running whenever they noticed. It made me feel alive, a brief moment of excitement to get my heart racing, something to keep my mind away from the struggles of daily life in Thay.
I never celebrated my birthday, mother was always too busy with working to keep food on the table and father, well, the man who was supposed to be my father, tried to end my life when I was born. I didn't think I'dever celebrate it really, but things are different now. I have Oth, and friends who are there for me. I celebrated by goingto Ulcaster ruins with Oth, he always loves the puzzles there, especially the light one, and we were rewarded with such for the final puzzle. I love watching him figure them out, he's so smartz and caring. After we finished at Ulcaster's, we returned home. Having never celebrated a birthday before, I wasn't entirely sure what to do, but just spending time alone with Oth was all I needed.
The only thing I needed was Mishiri.
I hope that I can receive the greatest gift of all, and to have you back in my arms. A mother can hope, and pray, after all, right?
Its my birthday today. Thirty three years. It doesn't feel like that all. It feels like my life has been rushing by, a frantic blur that I missed in a blink of an eye. It's hard to remember when I was younger, when I spent my days running around the marketplaces, a head covering concealing my horns, my tail wrapped around my waist to hide what I was. As long as I didn't look anyone in their eyes, it usually worked out fine, not that I ever did such a thing of course, I was too busy running from merchants after stealing some of their products. At the time, I never really thought about it, I was just doing what I had to do to survive, but looking back on it, I feel bad, for rhe merchants and their livelihoods I stole from. I stole a lot, and I was good at it, though there were still moments when my sneakiness wasn't enough, which is why I enjoyed running whenever they noticed. It made me feel alive, a brief moment of excitement to get my heart racing, something to keep my mind away from the struggles of daily life in Thay.
I never celebrated my birthday, mother was always too busy with working to keep food on the table and father, well, the man who was supposed to be my father, tried to end my life when I was born. I didn't think I'dever celebrate it really, but things are different now. I have Oth, and friends who are there for me. I celebrated by goingto Ulcaster ruins with Oth, he always loves the puzzles there, especially the light one, and we were rewarded with such for the final puzzle. I love watching him figure them out, he's so smartz and caring. After we finished at Ulcaster's, we returned home. Having never celebrated a birthday before, I wasn't entirely sure what to do, but just spending time alone with Oth was all I needed.
The only thing I needed was Mishiri.
I hope that I can receive the greatest gift of all, and to have you back in my arms. A mother can hope, and pray, after all, right?