Foggy McGee's Battle Journal of Battles and such

[Osadam]

To tha reader:
Congratulations, ya readin Foggy "Weave Master of tha Weave" McGee's journal. I dunno how ya got it but rest assured it ain't cuz I'm dead, they don't call me "Survivor man" McGee for nothin.

I'm writin this journal cuz ma chickin'tater stew is takin its sweet time to get ready and I'm bored. Also, since I've been inducted in tha Weave Masters by his majesty Eli, I feel like I should register ma grandiose adventures somewhere so that they ain't ever forgotten.

Ya better be sittin down ta read this so pull out a chair and take a seat on tha floor cuz yer about to be McGee'd!

[Osadam]

Chapter A-
Today I noticed that I am a trend setter, it seems like most Gnomes that I see runnin round look like me and are emulatin ma style, I reckon they heard the tales of "ladies gnome" McGee somewhere and decided to blatantly steal ma mojo for their own sexy benefits.

Poor fools...I reckon that they dunno that it ain't just bout walkin tha walk but also bout talkin tha talk. Ya ain't just born a suave seducer like I was, so quit tryin to beat tha master at his own game...

[Osadam]

Chapter B
Only a few months have gone by since I left tha far hills, and I've already seen so much and grew so strong. It seems like tha dwarves here are as good hearted as tha ones back home. This reminds me, I'm glad I learned tha gust o' wind spell, its quite effective against dwarven noxious gases.

[Osadam]

Chapter C
Loads of different peoples run by me every day in front of ma lil' camp by the tree, some walk by others run like headless chickins. Sometimes when I'm bored I play a game I invented called, count tha greyish black hoods, ma record so far is 14, I reckon they must be on sale or sumtin.

[Osadam]

Chapter 4
I didn't think ahead enough ta realize that eventually I'd run outta letters to differenciate ma chapters, so startin now I'm usin numbers instead.

Today was an interestin day, ma good friend Hendal has become a Weave Scout and ma good friend S'ment is planin on becomin a Weave guardian, I reckon we'll all travel along like we used ta, only now we have pompous titles to enlarge our egos.

I was present at tha tourney that was organized for tha local brawlers, and I must say that I was quite disappointed with tha show. Ma dwarven friends were beaten by them long shanks in not one but in two different competitions. First they were beaten in a straight up melee brawl and then Hendal lost an archery contest to two creepy elves no less...I should point out that saying creepy elves is a bit redundant since all elves are creepy...male elves that is...

[Osadam]

Chapter 5
So I was minglin with tha fellas that camp in front of ma little camp by tha tree, and I decided to share some wine that I made maself with ma feet with a blue faced Elven girl Named Elivani. As I was doin this a funny thought occured to me, I was wonderin if ma foes were doin tha exact same thing somewhere... I reckon it'd be a funny thing ta watch.

It might be something like this:

'Lo there lizzie how ya doin?

Ah same old same old, tryin to survive and tryin to make a livin, these pesky greyish black hooded humans keep raidin our lands to steal our riches and our women... Bah..

Aye just tha other me and a few of tha lads were down by tha fort and outta nowhere this creepy lookin elf attacked us and tryed to hump our legs, it really freaked me out!
A male Elf I assume?

Aye, twas implied when I said creepy.....so ya gonna eat that hin arm?

Go ahead...


Note: I should write about tha time Boddynock caught a disease in his naughty parts.

[Osadam]

Chapter 6
My time with tha Weave Masters has been great, not because tha people look up to ya when ya walk on tha streets or tha scandalous wenches droppin at ma feet (that happened to me already)...but because I can learn a lot from all tha other Weave Masters and I finally found a place in tha gate where I could fit in.

Been sharin tha company of new peoples lately, sinca ma dwarven friends have been away fer various reasons. I reckon I made a lot of new friends and possibly love interests???

I made justice to tha name shinnin knight McGee when I saved a damsel in distress from tha evil clutches of a smelly Half-Orc named Saldra...got ta see tha insides of tha royal palace and recieved a reward from a strange man wearin a patch over his eye, twas tha second cyclops I've ever seen in ma life, not countin tha blue cheese air head genasi bastid...

[Osadam]

Chapter 7
One step closer to Bigby perfection! I finally got tha 9th circle Bigby, it took some doin ta learn it, there aint a tree with its bark intact within a hundred feet of ma trainin spot.

I was taken as an aprentice by Miss Elivani, we had a nice talk and she agreed ta teach me how ta get rid of ma bad habits of castin.. Haven't had a lesson yet, actually she forced me ta reorganize 400 pages of a book of a single high level spell, took me a whole night, twas borin and tiresome...

Tha gate is filled with freaks and it seems like they are attracted to tha merchants camp fire. Just tha other day this perverted lookin man by tha name of Zolf was lurkin about lookin at us with a hand in his pocket hidin behind a huge helm that resembled a bed pan. HE WAS PEEPIN!!! Watchin Miss Eli and her husband cavortin with each otha and takin notes on his notepad, twas sickenin...

[Osadam]

Chapter 8
Had tha strangest dream tha other night, twas one of those dreams where ya can't move no mather how hard ya try ya know? I was infront of a house standin on tha front lawn, I felt heavy as tha moon and solid as a rock.

As I moved ma eyes ta try and see what surrounded me I saw other Foggys standin completelly still in tha strange garden and some sort of pink birds too. Some Foggys were wavin others where smilin and others had a rake in their hands...a white picket fence surrounded us, and everythin seemed peacefull....until a dog appeared that is...

He started peein on each and every Foggy and pink bird, as if ta mark his territory. As he was gettin closer I started ta scream but no scream came outta of ma mouth, just when I thought I was doomed I woke up...I was swettin, halfnaked and huggin a tree with all ma strength.

Twas then I decided nevar ta eat them Exotic Mushrooms again...

[Osadam]

Chapter 9
So I am trainin at tha northern hills, tryin ta improve ma castin skills so I can wrap ma head around that mass transmutation spell that turns baddies inta chickins that Master Elivani told me about. Me and tha fellas have been fightin trolls for a while now, and we decided ta take a lil brake.

Theres somethin about these damn things that I don't understand, why tha hells do all of them wear loin cloths? I mean if I were a scary troll I'd have at it in tha nude, I can't imagine anythin more demoralizin than a big troll runnin at ya with his bits danglin about with a"Yeah I'm nude, deal with it" attitude.

It don't make sense...

[Osadam]

Chapter 10
My trainin finally displayed some results, I learned tha foul fowl spell. It was so hard ta master it, it was as hard as finding a female dwarf, they're a myth if ya ask me.

I have been havin fun with it, twas most amusing ta turn a bampire into a chickin. Didn't keep it from givin up though, peckin at me like they're crazy with their lil chickin fangs.

Ma stock o'chickins is so big now that I'm considerin tossing a chickin tater stew party.

A crazy pink armored orc 'sbeen runnin about lately, good think I saw the Bearheart Chongo shapeshiftin in fronta him, now I have a full proof method of scarin him off, just turn yerself into a giant iron golem and see him piss his underpants and runnin away.

[Osadam]

Chapter 11

Tis finally ready, ma theme song is now complete. I can already hear tha masses chanting it like their own personal hymn.

I call it, "Tha Ballad of McGee" (OOC: This is a shameful rip off of a monthy python song that was ripped off by the Stern show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=paZbDEJ7Ph0)

McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,
McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,
McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,
McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,

Red Hat McGee, Wonderful McGee
Red Hat McGee, Wonderful McGee
Red Hat McGee!!, Wonderful McGee!!
Red Hat McGee!!!!, Wonderful McGee!!!!

Not small McGee, hill giant McGee
Handsome McGee, Sharp dressin McGee.
So suave McGee, ladies man McGee.
Here comes McGee, he is so dreamy!!

McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,
McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,
McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,
McGee, McGee, McGee, McGee,

Red Hat McGee, Wonderful McGee
Red Hat McGee, Wonderful McGee
Red Hat McGee!!, Wonderful McGee!!
Red Hat McGee!!!!, Wonderful McGee!!!!

Not slow McGee, Fast Fingers McGee,
So Brave McGee, Iron guts McGee.
So strong McGee, Ogre power McGee.
Here comes McGee, all enemies flee!!

He's so
Wonderful!
Wonderful!!
Wonderful!!!

Wonderful McGeeeeee!!!

[Osadam]

Chapter 12

Craft Master McGee is developin an interestin trinket. There have been times when I needed ta report somethin to ta Masters but was far too uh....far ta tell'em what I needed ta uh...tell'em.

So I used ma great intellect and conceived tha plans fer a trinket that will prove ta be most usefull.

I call it tha AlertaFoggy its a magical trinket that shoots a beam of light into tha sky, when ya look up ya see a massive head with a pointy wizards hat. Tis ma greatest craftin achievment, tha good thing is ya can use it ta call someone to ya or just ta play a prank on'em.

[Osadam]

Chapter 13 - Tha duke's travesty.

What started as a good day ended up bein a bad day...

I had tha chance ta press charges against tha blue cheese air head cyclops cuz today was tha day of tha trial. Since ma Guardian S'ment wasn't around, I searched fer tha woman Aileen so that she could testify in ma favor bein one of tha only two witnesses I had.

I shoulda never trusted that scandalous wench! Ended up bein a double agent workin against me. Even though I presented ma case with great eloquence and coherence, tha wench sabotaged me, and worst, tha damned dukes took her word ovar mine.

Tha murder charges against tha genasi were dropped and he was charged with assault and awarded 20 lashes...I say awarded cuz tha bastid will probably enjoy bein lashed, knowin them types.

Reckon that if I were human, he'd be kissin tha marble stone after wearin a rope as a tie, but since I'm a gnome he got 20 damned lashes...that's what I used ta get when I got into some mischief back home...

[Osadam]

Chapter 14

Haven't been able to write as of late, ma zappin finger is sore from all tha zappin, funny thing bout ma zappin finger is that I need it to write too.

I hear rumours connectin tha Masters with tha Ramset related events of late, I've been dismissin them cuz I don't care much fer rumours but I wonder why people are sayin that.

Note: Must talk to Master Elias bout this!

Been studyin a bit at tha tower lately, lotsa different books can be found at tha library, a particular book got ma attention. Tis titled "Tha chronicles of a wench and her naughty sisters." borrowed it fer a while fer further...study...

Noticed something bout some of tha adventurers that cross paths with Land Walker McGee.
A particular type of injury seems ta be common among those who venture in tha wilds, reckon there must be a wilderbeast of some sort that gets off on pokin eyes out,. This by itself might not be so strange, reckon I've seen stranger things...however, the thing I found most peculiar is that this...wilderbeast only pokes tha right eye out! Why does it do that? I don't know...
Bein one with such a big heart I nevar mock tha poor fellas, nevar call'em cyclopses or anythin, kind Hearted McGee they call me.