**I will be removing this post in 24-48 hours, or possibly moderators will before that, I am unsure if any of this is in violation of forum etiquette but I feel this post is justified after recent events on the forum**
***personally, I am sorry to have become the long rant guy and beating a dead horse over player to player treatment.
Yes, it is athornforyourheart here again with another drab posting about "change." And while this there is a thread about the current term "toxic" I would choose not to post this there as I do not with to deter that conversation into a directionless rant. The topic:
viewtopic.php?f=136&t=75590
certainly has merit and worth a good read and in the spirit of change - I will attempt to change my use of the word, both in this post and in the future. Else how I can advocate for player to player change and better respect if I myself am not able to do the same?
Because a majority of you are not aware of what conspired in the forums yesterday I will take a moment briefly catch you all up. Disclaimer: THIS is NOT to promote bad behavior but to analyze it and learn from it.
Last night a player who is no longer active here logged in and found an older post that I had made sometime last month (my temporary retirement from media team) and attempted to slander my personal character and reputation on this server. Things were said and I will post, leaving out the name:
Yes I was banned in 2014 for cheating. I exploited a mechanical bug. But as the rumor train would have it... my ban was based off an entirely completely different thing because that's just how the rumor train works. The horrible rumor train that some people actually enjoy riding. I've always been quiet about my ban, its certainly not my grand moment. In fact, when I returned I had simply hoped it would have remained in the past and I was always hopeful that I could show the community here that a person could in fact change. That NOBODY is ever beholden to things they've done in the past. Being banned does NOT MAKE YOU A HORRIBLE PERSON. Actions are singular, a pattern of bad behavior certainly leads to you bad choices in life - I understand this concept. But nobody on this server/game/life is ever non redeemable from being a better person.
Considering my post was about "Bad Player Behavior" the person felt the need to continue:
I know not everyone shares this thought. I know for a fact there are many people who have had their bans lifted in the past and actually ride the straight arrow these days. Know that if you were ever banned from the forums or the game itself for bad behavior or mechanical issues, its not the end of you. The server administrators know and understand each situation is different.
The weight and complexity of your issue matters a lot here. I truly believe that players who sexually harass &/or stalk other players are/should be removed immediately because this condones a behavior that extends beyond the game itself. This is a real life crime and issue that leads to worse crimes. Crimes that I feel need not be written or discussed further.
Whereas there are those that use a mechanical exploit. I honestly find this to be hardly condemning of ones real life take on ethics. When I was banned, I got my fair share of hate from players. Players, that do this day, are still around. Most of them just let me be - some of them I've befriended. But there will now and again be the "the one" who refuse to ever acknowledge you again. Like in this case: " you are a cheater, therefore, untrustworthy, don't care how good you are."
As someone who ran a Professional Art Team studio I can certainly tell you one of my interviewing questions was never "Have you ever cheated on a video game?"
Hell, I'll make it simpler. "Have you ever cheated in general?
Have you ever, when playing any board game with your family - moved a piece where it shouldn't? Perhaps exaggerated a dice roll? Not because you wanted to destroy the other person or were that hung up on winning, but you understood its just a game? And before anyone can say "Well this is different..." Yes, I know it is, this is online and we aren't amongst family or friends that, if caught, would get you in good and funny moment of "aye! you cheater!"
No, this game is serious. What you do in this game certainly must tell a person who you are in real life. At least, some people believe this to be true. I know there is mixed opinions on the matter and while some will agree and some will not, the question remains - does it mean you are bad person incapable of change?
I continue:
Again, this stems to what someone may have thought they understood about my ban and took it for what they believe is the truth. THIS is how the bad behavior continues. By openly going around and shaming / humiliating fellow players ((and in this case, someone who no longer plays)). I don't even know this person who wrote this.... that's how bad the rumor train goes here. Never played with them or shared a single word with them.
I understand the point. Let's not make light of the situation. I assure you, I have not made light of it at all. When I left the server, I didn't leave with two middle fingers pointed upward. The "Big Long Blubbering Apology Post" that the person speaks of is a post I made about cheating and the severity of it. I was the example and with good reason. I had thought I was doing something a bit more honorable than saying "Screw you BG, im out." But I actually did feel bad and had remorse for my actions back then.
I carried this on my back for a while. I became the bad guy. It took me a LONG time to remove that feeling from my shoulder.... at least, until last night. When this happened. I am simply reminded, that change is not possible here for someone who once cheated.
WHAT DID YOU DO TO GET YOUR BAN LIFTED?
I approached the team in 2016-2017 to start making content for the server. Yes, at first, my initial approach was to redeem myself to the staff and players. Prove that I wasn't the selfish kid that I was when I all those years ago. I had my son, a good job, and life was improving for me... I was improving, for me. The team accepted me back in and for the next 2 years I learned to use Blender. I learned to make content for this game with little to no online help or tutorials. My horrible faces pack of 2017 was my 1st venture into that and the learning curve at that time showed if you compared to what I do now. I did this, for the community with no expectation or hopes of coming back to the server. People at the time in media team and staff were aware of this. The admin was aware of this.
After 2 and half years of creating content and working on things, I was finally approached by various staff to petition for my return to the server. Even then, I was hesitant. I didn't feel I deserved to come back yet. I didn't feel some people have forgotten about or would forgive the past. So I refused.. and continued working toward making more content.
It wasn't until a few months after that that I realized "Why am I making content? To make up to players that I am a selfless person? Was I that bad of a person to begin with?" No. Simply put, no. I've never been a bad person in life. I've never been to jail for some outstanding crime. My worst offense is damn seat belt ticket. I've never been a man with questionable morals IRL, I've never had deep routed enemies in life. It took a close friend and confidant to give me clarity on the matter. I made a mistake in a video game and the ban was the punishment. (not being able to enjoy the fun with other players that I had let down at the time). Making content for the game should never be considered a repayment or "a fine" or some sort of damages done. Hell, I served combat tours in Iraq and Afghanistan and fought for my country and even then, I've never felt the need to justify myself as much as I did here, on this server.
So... I finally decided to stop punishing myself and move forward. Create things for a community that I actually cared to be in. I forgave myself because yes, it is just a video game and I know for A FACT what I did was NOT of my character, but just a moment - nothing more, nothing less.
WHY THIS LONG RANT?
Because I felt publicly shamed and humiliated. Yes, it was cleaned up by our our moderators who I am so freaking grateful of but when it happened.. it triggered me bad. I couldn't stop shaking and I ended up removing myself immediately from the discord and staff discord because I was already getting flooded with PM's about the matter. And though most were kind and respectful and saying "not to let it get to me...", it did. Among those PM's were the few "So, what happened? What were you banned for anyway?" As if I wanted to relive that moment again.
WONT THIS PUT YOUR BAN ON NOTICE AGAIN?
Yes. Because I am officially done with trying. My public post of removing myself from the media team was to try and use whatever position I could to put awareness of player to player attitudes. It was the only thing I felt I had that I could do to make a positive change. A difference. When a player leaves the server in general, its usually with words of "Here's what you all need to do... and change."
But often time's nothing ever happens. I didn't expect much to happen with my leaving of the team because a) you all still have LivT - the other content creator and b) Some just don't care enough to want to change for the better. They'll make public posts about it and agree and say "yes" but deep down have no desire to do so.
Even in these last few days while I was "retired" I was still secretly making content to put into the game (some people are aware of this). Yes, my leaving was for real but a small part of me wanted to at least create minor content for player enjoyment. And while I know this "person" who posted these horrible things about me was only 1 person - I honestly feel he wasn't of one mind. There are in fact people out there who almost want to destroy other's because this game belongs to them and you need their permission to play it.
ANYWAY...
that was my rant... YET AGAIN. I hate having to constantly do this... and I shouldn't. So I have deleted the game from my computer. No, people who may still despise me from 2014, this does not mean you win and I give up. I can easily re download the game in case I need to log in and help a player move and item or pass something along. I refuse to allow myself to be bullied out of a video game. But I will take a moment to remove myself from the issue so that I may have some headspace. I will be taking a month or two off and re-evaluate from there. I'd ASK those who are ever caught in moments like this, to do the same... because the longer you linger and struggle to enjoy yourself there's a possibility you'll become destructive along the way. And while I know I'm not ruining anyone's fun here (as i was the one attacked), I will take the lead on what I preach and do this.
WHAT MAY HAPPEN?
Honestly, the removal of this post perhaps. Perhaps a "Sweep it under the rug" approach with a statement of "Here are the rules guys" and "it's not that bad, we are all friend here right?" With love and respect to the powers that be... sometimes the "Hey, lets all just get along" statement doesn't always apply as a "the fix" to every problem. Personally, I feel it is this approach that has allowed some bigger issues to exist. Because when big issues are not addressed properly or mid-diagnosed, they continue to fester for lack of mistreatment.
I apologize for the huge rant and hopefully you might have done me a huge honor of reading it all but JUST REMEMBER PLEASE. A Ban is not a life sentence and end of ones character. You can change and learn from it.
